Beyond These Walls
by sincethelastday
Summary: When Light's cousin becomes entangled in the Kira case, she desperately tries to convince L of Light's innocence. But she soon discovers that people aren't always who they claim to be. Lies run deep and the walls that people build run high.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: The first part of this chapter is really an introduction to the narrator of this story (in other words, the OC). I think it's important to establish early on "the lens" in which the reader will be reading the story from. So, please, bare with me. =) Also, I will be following the anime timeline, instead of the manga, in case you're wondering about the dates. I hope you enjoy!**

Beyond These Walls

Chapter 1

"_Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery." – Lawana Blackwell_

"_Lying is done with words, and also with silence." – Adrienne Rich _

...

The corners of my smile twitched slightly, as my clenched fists trembled against my knees. Every once and awhile, my quivering knuckles would grace a stale piece of gum that was plastered on the belly side of the study hall table. A small shiver of disgust would run up my spine, but my hands would remain where they were. My friends, who were seated directly across from me, were unable to see my shaking hands, the evidence of my annoyance. To them, I was calm and content, with perhaps just the tiniest twinge of after-class tiredness. Just as I had planned from the second we had sat down at the table.

"Etsuko, do you want to write the introductory paragraph? I could do it, too, if you want. Doesn't matter to me!" Fumiko giggled, as she continued to scribble away at her notes.

"Whatever works best for you, Fumiko," I good naturedly replied, my smile not budging.

To be honest, out of the three people sitting with me, only one of them, Fumiko, would I classify as a friend. We both had attended the same high school back home in Tottori City, and when she found out that we had both been accepted to To-Oh University, she was ecstatic that she wouldn't be the only one leaving home for the big city. I barely knew her, but she was determined that we would become great friends. Within the first week of university, she had enthusiastically introduced me to her newly acquired pack of university friends. Her sincerity had swayed me to cautiously accept her advances to be my friend.

Her intense devotion to school work was an added benefit. Although I couldn't brag that I was as smart as her, we both valued the importance of working hard. Together, we ravaged our schoolwork with a fierce devotion, while other students spent their time partying and then panicking last minute at getting their work done. Or worse, they relied solely on others to get the work done.

Which was why I was annoyed at the present moment. While Fumiko and I were busy scribbling down notes or paging through textbooks for our Child Psychology project, the other two students at our table were wasting our time texting or practicing their non-existent storytelling skills.

"What about Genki? He's pretty cute, right, Fumiko? Should I ask him?"

I lifted my eyes briefly from the textbook in front of me to sneak a quick glance at Juri, who was sitting directly across from me. She in return looked up lazily from her hot pink cell phone to grace me with a quick, but fierce glare. She hated me and I returned the sentiment. Well, I didn't _hate_ her. I strongly disliked her. Hate is such a strong word.

Juri was Fumiko's best friend and was a top-notch clinger. Wherever Fumiko went, Juri trailed after her, like some obedient pet dog. Juri was lazy in most regards, but when it came to school work, she strived to become even lazier. Which explains why she had spent the last half hour languidly slumped against the table, texting every cute boy she could think of in order to get a date for one of the university socials next week. Leaving Fumiko and I to work on the project that was supposed to include her as well.

"Mmm, I don't know, Juri. Why don't you ask Etsuko who you should choose?" Fumiko's brow was slightly creased; maybe Juri could get on her nerves.

Juri's eyes were still plastered to her phone. "Etsuko doesn't know any cute boys," was the instant reply, but it wasn't hard to detect the hostility she coated her words with.

_At least I know what it means to be a good team member. You haven't done any work on this project so far, Juri. _

"I'm sure you'll find someone, Juri," I smiled encouragingly at Fumiko's best friend, as she stared at me. She looked satisfied with my answer though; we both knew that she was right. Apart from Fumiko and her other two friends at the table, I didn't know anyone else on campus. And even then, I didn't like Fumiko's other friends. Of course, I had to _pretend_ to like them. What would Fumiko think if she knew how much I disliked them?

Juri softly snorted in my direction, "Whatever."

I didn't know how to politely respond to her abrupt statement, so I timidly smiled instead. She frowned and her perfectly manicured eyebrows slightly touched. Apparently, she was confused by my lack of retaliation. She huffed loudly and brought her cell phone close to her face, blocking me from her vision. I internally scoffed. I wasn't near as transparent with my dislike towards her, as she was with her hatred for me.

I never got a clear answer as to why she hated me, but I assumed it was because I knew Fumiko before she did. And to Juri, that meant competition for Fumiko's attention. I tried explaining to Juri that I had barely known Fumiko in high school, but she had snobbishly ignored my explanation, which solidified my decision to cease any attempt to befriend her. Lazy _and_ impolite. Strike two for Juri.

"...And then, he vomited all over the kitchen table! Shit, you should have seen their faces!"

Sato Tadami's thunderous guffaws startled a few students who were quietly studying at the adjacent tables. I avoided eye contact and hunched a bit closer to my textbook in embarrassment. Why did Fumiko insist on bringing him with her? With her looks, she could have had any boy on campus, and yet she chose Tadami. I couldn't imagine why, since he was obnoxious with his crude jokes and distasteful stories. Plus, he always tried to pressure Fumiko into doing things she didn't want to do. Such as pressuring her to desert our project and go see a movie with him instead. Why didn't he take Juri to the movies...I'm sure she would have loved to ditch our little study table and grab "a piece" of Fumiko's life for the evening. That way, Fumiko and I could have a little peace and quiet before we had to gather our things up and go home.

Of course, I would never say any of those things out loud.

"Pretty...f-funny story, huh, Etsuko?"

I glanced up at Tadami, who was slightly panting after his fit of laughter. His eyes begged for attention, but unlike Juri, he didn't care if it was Fumiko who was interested or a complete stranger. He just wanted someone to notice and laugh at his antics.

I adorned an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Tadami, I didn't catch the whole thing. I'm sure it was funny."

_It was stupid and disgusting. How old are you? Five?_

"Pftt! That's because you're too busy having your nose stuck in that book! Why don't you two give it a rest?" Tadami leaned back in his chair and slumped his arm across Fumiko's shoulders. He nudged Fumiko with his bony elbow until she looked up at him and sweetly pouted. She wasn't upset with him though. She thought he was a cute, cuddly goof who simply had a low attention span. I would have been much harsher with my description.

"We've only been sitting here for 30 minutes, Tadi. If you want me to accompany you to the social next week, I have to get at least the introduction finished." Fumiko tossed her long ponytail behind her back and giggled as Tadami played with some hairs that had escaped her hair elastic. She was briefly distracted from her notes and leaned back into Tadami's embrace. Tadami wasn't very good at covering up his tactics at getting Fumiko away from schoolwork. A whispered endearment here, affectionate handholding there, and textbooks and notes were the farthest thing from her mind. If Fumiko had one weakness, it was her acceptance (or ignorance) of being played by her boyfriend. Tadami's manipulative methods were yet another reason why I was not a fan of his company.

_Fumiko, how can you be so blind, so stupid to not see how he manipulates you...?_

"Ah, just let Etsuko finish the introduction. It's not like she's going to the social anyways-"

"You're not going to the social, Etsuko? Why not?" Fumiko bolted upright in her chair, away from Tadami's fingers. I was wrong. Apparently, my lack of a social life could release Fumiko from her boyfriend's attention-seeking grip.

I fiddled with my pen and, this time, I plastered on a genuine, apologetic smile. I was sorry that I was disappointing Fumiko. I hated disappointing people.

"Well, you see, I actually can't-" Fumiko opened her mouth to say something, so I hurriedly added, "I'm sure they're a lot of fun, Fumi-"

"If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't want to go," Juri murmured, her eyes taking a break from her phone to clearly, and fiercely, warn me that I had better not change my mind, or else. But Fumiko didn't notice Juri's silent warning and continued talking.

"Are you sure, Etsuko? I don't want to force you, if you don't want to, like Juri said, but are you sure you don't want to give it a try?"

"'Miko, give it up. She doesn't want to go." Tadami's fidgeting signalled his boredom with the conversation, and his lowered tone of voice demonstrated his frustration that Fumiko was ignoring him. He had given up on me, just like Juri had also given up on me. Fumiko was the only one left who continuously tried to get me to open up to her and to the others.

What Fumiko didn't know was that I had already opened up a lot more to her than I had with many other people who I had met at university. Fumiko was gentle and sincere. I had been hesitant to draw close to her, but she had slowly begun to gain my trust, or at least, a little bit of it. A superficial amount, I guess you could say. My trust didn't come cheap, and even then it was given away in tiny handfuls, not generous armfuls. And, honestly, I doubted Fumiko would ever receive anymore of my trust than the small amount I had already given her.

I liked to skim the surface of relationships; the deeper waters of relationships scared and worried me, because more was expected of you...like your true opinions and thoughts. And those same feelings and opinions could easily be squashed before your very eyes by others. It was safer and more comfortable to skim the surface then to chance the harsh judgment that could befall on you by others.

That's not to say that I didn't occasionally enjoy visiting those deep, open waters of a relationship. But that was done far away from the university campus.

"Thanks for the offer, Fumiko, but-"

"But it's not your thing, right? Gotcha'. Well, that's fine, Etsuko," Fumiko sweetly smiled and started a new page of notes. I discreetly let out a sigh of relief. _Thank you, Fumiko._ She wasn't pressuring me to go to the social. Now that that was all over, we could get back to our project before Tadami tried to distract us agai-

"Hey, Kanji! Over here! There's a seat right here for you, buddy!"

My fists quickly hid underneath the table once more as they trembled with irritation. Tadami almost toppled from his chair as he leapt up and waved over a friend of his. I mentally slapped myself. I should have known better than to think that we would get some of our project done with him lounging around us. Even Juri's glares and snide comments were welcomed compared to Tadami's outbursts. That's not to say that I was happy with her leaving all the work for Fumiko and I...

Tadami's friend shyly made his way through a group of disoriented first year students who were nervously looking for an empty table. By the time he had managed to approach our table and sit down, my eyes, which had been previously analysing a textbook, began discreetly analysing him.

The two, round orbs in my head greedily examined all the little details that made up Tadami's friend, while my brain began to studiously tick off traits on my mental checklist. How were they dressed, how did they stand/sit/walk, how did they introduce themselves, what were they saying, what was their face saying that their mouth wasn't...? The list went on and was conducted on everyone. These analyses were not an offensive play, but rather, a defensive one. A safety check. I mentioned before that my trust was not easy to snag, and for good reason. There were a lot of nasty, deceptive, manipulative (not to mention eccentric) people out there, and boy, were they able to snag a lot of unassuming, overly trustful people. I, for one, was not going to be one of their little victims.

"I haven't seen you in weeks, man! Too busy with those science textbooks of yours, huh?"

My ears perked up. It sounded like this friend of Tadami's was quite studious. My interest was raised a notch.

"Tadi, don't hog Kanji all to yourself. Maybe he would like to be introduced to the two pretty girls sitting with us, hmm?" Fumiko tried to be sly and discreetly wink at Juri and I, but it was clearly witnessed by Tadami and his friend, who had formed a slight blush on his cheeks. Fumiko could boast of being many things, but she wasn't crafty; she wore too much of her heart on her sleeve, in my opinion. One day she was going to get hurt by being so open and accepting. It was practically guaranteed.

"Oh, sure. Uh, well, you already know my girlfriend here." Tadami squeezed Fumiko's shoulder affectionately. Fumiko giggled and amiably said "hi."

Tadami casually introduced Juri and I, "Hayata Juri and Yagami Etsuko. This is Ikoma Kanji."

All three of us bowed and politely smiled at each other. Well, Juri was doing more than smiling...she was ogling the new addition to our table with no restraint whatsoever. Ikoma seemed to notice and smiled shyly in her direction, paying no heed to me. Which was just what I wanted. It gave me a chance to accomplish an initial surface study of Tadami's quiet friend.

Ikoma Kanji was dressed in a light autumn sweater with a casual pair of jeans. His hair was nicely swept away from his face and, with a quick glance down to his hands, I noticed nicely trimmed fingernails. His posture was straight and a timid smile adorned his calm face. He was smartly dressed, well-groomed, and appeared attentive and friendly. _He puts thought into his appearance_, I thought. Point one for Ikoma.

With my initial analysis completed, I turned once again to the conversation, which Tadami was leading.

"...been trying to get Fumiko to come to a movie with me, but she's too busy with this project-"

"I told you, silly! I need to get this one part done or else I can't guarantee that we can go to the social." Fumiko lightly tussled her boyfriend's hair, while still trying to be attentive to Ikoma.

Juri momentarily tore her eyes away from Ikoma to give Fumiko a nervous look. "You mean, there's a chance you won't go, Fumiko?"

_Maybe you could offer to help with our project, Juri, if you're that worried about Fumiko not going to the social?_

Apart from my internal thoughts about Juri's laziness, no one paid her any attention.

"Do you mean that undergraduate social next Friday?" Ikoma quietly questioned.

"Yes," Fumiko nodded.

"Oh, well, I just walked past the booth they were selling the tickets from and it looked like they were almost sold out. I would probably go buy some if you haven't already."

Fumiko gasped and tugged on Tadami's shirt desperately. "Oh no, Tadi! We have to go buy them! I didn't know it was going to be such a popular social!"

"Calm down, Fumiko, it'll be alright. We'll head over there right now. Where was the booth, Kanji?"

"Just next door in the entrance way to Omori Hall."

"Thanks, man! Come on, Fumiko, let's go."

"Okay. Etsuko, sorry that we didn't really get the introduction finished. I feel bad just leaving you here with it, but-"

Before I could even answer, Tadami quietly sighed and tugged Fumiko into his arms rather clumsily. Fumiko blushed and sheepishly smiled at the rest of us as she let Tadami lead her towards the study hall's exit.

"I'll be back! Maybe I can work on some of the introduction when I return, Etsuko," Fumiko said over Tadami's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, Fumiko. I don't mind doing it," I reassured her and she replied with a smile as she and Tadami rounded the corner.

_Actually, I do mind. I have enough homework as it is with my other classes. Oh, well. What can I do? I don't want to let Fumiko down and it's not like Juri will help me out with it._

Speaking of Juri, she was already busily striking up a conversation with Ikoma, who had inched over to the chair that Fumiko had been previously occupying. Juri clearly approved of his move, since he was sitting beside her now, and he appeared to be interested in whatever she was rambling on about. From what I could hear from her quiet murmurs, she was telling Ikoma that she had already bought her social ticket a few days ago to beat the rush.

_If only Juri could be that dedicated when it came to our project_.

After Juri had finished rambling, Ikoma quietly complimented her on her plan to avoid the rush, which Juri "replied" by heavily blushing and turning her head a fraction away from Ikoma in embarrassment. Ikoma bowed his eyes to give Juri a bit of privacy. Although I wasn't interested in the flirting that was going on in front of me, I dutifully noted Ikoma's compliment and actions in my mental checklist. _He's polite and respectful towards others' feelings_. My interest in Ikoma grew a little bit more.

Juri quickly recovered from her small spell of embarrassment. "So, are _you_ going to the social, Iko-"

All of a sudden, the chorus of a recent pop song started blaring from Juri's phone. A miniscule frown appeared on Juri's face as she politely excused herself to Ikoma and interrupted the ringtone by snapping her phone open. Ikoma smiled briefly at Juri as she softly talked to whoever was on the receiving end, and then turned towards me. Instinctively, a polite smile graced my face. Ikoma's shy smile faltered a little and his eyes searched my face inquisitively. He was a bit confused as to why I wasn't talking to him, but I didn't know what to say. I had a wealth of opinions and thoughts swirling inside my head about people and places and things, but when it came to actually striking up a conversation with someone, especially someone I didn't know, I froze. Even sometimes when I would be conversing with someone I knew well, my vocal chords tended to freeze right over. One slip of the tongue could ruin everything; better to remain silent as long as possible.

Thankfully, Juri saved me from the awkward silence that had been surrounding Ikoma and I by snapping her phone close and turning her attention back to Ikoma. _Good. Now, Juri will keep Ikoma interested and occupied, while I try to work on this introduction. Finally, I will be able to get some work done._

It was too good to be true.

"That was Fumiko. Tadami only has enough cash for one ticket, so she asked me if I could quickly run down there with her purse. She was too busy being dragged out of here by Tadami to bring it with her," Juri grumbled the last part. She didn't seem thrilled with having to leave the table, now that Ikoma was here.

I was deeply upset as well. As Juri slung Fumiko's purse over her shoulder, my palms began to sweat and my stomach clenched with nerves. For once, I wanted Juri to be around. She was going to leave and I would have to talk with Ikoma. I wasn't ready to talk with him all by myself. I didn't even feel comfortable talking to Juri or Tadami all by myself, and I had, technically, known them for a couple of years now. Even though Ikoma seemed nice, I barely knew him! I still needed to do some more analyzing before I could speak privately with him! What was I going to say? Wait, I could –

"Juri, I could go deliver Fumiko's purse if you want," I eagerly said, as Juri pushed her chair in. She paused for a second and I honestly thought she was going to take me up on my offer. After all, then she could stay and have Ikoma all to herself.

But Juri's loyalty to Fumiko won over her desire to stay with Ikoma.

"I thought you wanted to get that introduction done, Etsuko? It's no problem for me." And then a nasty smirk made its way onto Juri's face and I realized that she knew exactly what she was doing to me. I may have been discrete about some things, like my dislike towards Juri, but I was horrible at covering up my anxiety and awkwardness when faced with the situation of interacting with someone I didn't know. I swear she could smell my unease a mile away.

"I'll be back soon," Juri directed her statement towards Ikoma; none of her reassuring comment was reserved for me. And, just like that, she was gone. I couldn't think about the project. All I was thinking about was how to safely navigate my time spent alone with Ikoma Kanji. He seemed nice enough, but I wasn't letting my guard down.

Ikoma broke the silence by warmly saying, "So, you want to be a psychologist like Fumiko?" Ikoma nodded towards my open Child Psychology textbook. I looked down at the page in front of me, as if staring at it was going to give me a fool-proof plan on how to handle the conversation calmly and safely.

Ikoma blinked. He was waiting for an answer.

_Answer, dummy. You can't just sit here staring at him blankly._

"Um, no. Teaching. I mean, I-I'm studying to be a teacher."

_Okay, you actually spoke to him. Good. But don't let your guard down. It's his turn now._

"Oh, nice! What grade?"

"E-Excuse me?"

"What grade do you want to teach?" Ikoma patiently asked.

"Oh, um, well, I want to teach primary school." I smiled shakily.

_Come on, Etsuko. Relax. This is a perfectly normal, safe conversation._

"Primary school, hmm? I imagine you like kids then?" Ikoma leaned forward with his elbows on the table and his chin in his hand. He was becoming more relaxed and appeared to be interested in our conversation. If only I could have been relaxed and interested. All I wanted to do was run away.

"Yes, I do," I nodded and folded my hands together to keep them from fiddling. Ikoma waited in anticipation for more of an answer, but he would never receive more than what I had already given him. The best thing for me to do was to just nod and agree. I could just imagine his disappointed face if I told him the real reason I wanted to become a teacher.

There was some truth to what I had said to Ikoma, though. I did like children, at least, I'm pretty sure I did. Children were a lot safer than adults. Less intimidating. More trustworthy.

When Ikoma realized that I wasn't going to expand on my answer, he removed his elbows from the table and awkwardly looked down at one of Fumiko's textbooks, pretending to be interested in it. He was trying to escape the uncomfortable situation as well. I waited for him to say something, since it was technically his turn to talk, but when he shyly turned one of the pages of the textbook, I realized that he was stumped for words. I could imagine it was pretty difficult to keep up a conversation with someone who only gave shaky, two-word answers.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth.

"So, what, um, what are you studying?"

Ikoma looked up and had a rather surprised expression on his face. I guess he hadn't expected me to talk. That shy smile graced his kind face again and he pushed the textbook away.

"Microbiology."

"Wow. That sounds impressive. How do you like it?" I _was_ quite impressed. From what I had gathered from Tadami's short statement to Ikoma earlier on, Ikoma was quite the hardworking student. I could relate to that. Maybe this conversation wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Um, well, it's okay. Some of it's kind of interesting." Ikoma shrugged and leaned back in his chair. He appeared to be comfortable and relaxed, but something was off. His voice had grown softer, as if he didn't want anyone to hear what he was saying, and he had stumbled a bit on his words.

I was readying myself to ask him another question, when he quite abruptly stated, "My parents want me to be a doctor, so I'm getting a degree in Microbiology before I apply for Med school. That's their, um, my plan."

His eyes fixated on mine. He was waiting for my answer. I could tell by the fierceness in his eyes that he was curiously anticipating what I was going to say. I didn't know how to answer. Personally, I thought it was quite unfortunate that he couldn't study what he wanted (it was obvious from his stumble of words and dismissive tone of voice that he wasn't keen on studying medicine), but I couldn't voice that thought. What if he thought I was insulting his parents by telling him that he should pursue the degree he wanted? He would think that I was being disrespectful. No, I would just rely on how I usually responded.

"I see."

Ikoma blinked. I was tense in my seat and tried to keep eye contact with him, but quickly looked away. Shortly after, Ikoma looked away as well and stuffed his hands in his pockets. I stared at a chipped off part of the table. He shuffled in his seat and coughed. Was it just me, or had the atmosphere become even more uncomfortable?

Ikoma cleared his throat and sat a bit straighter in his seat. "Yeah, well, I don't want to disappoint them, you know. I mean, medicine could be okay, but, well...I would rather study architecture instead."

_He doesn't want to disappoint his parents, huh? He obviously respects and honours them and their feelings. I admire that._

I could have told him that, but then would he think that I was agreeing full-heartedly with his parents and didn't sympathize with his dilemma? He would think that I wasn't empathetic.

I knew how to answer.

"I see." I nodded this time for good measure. I was agreeing with him. That was what he wanted, right?

Ikoma wasn't smiling anymore. In fact, he looked quite disappointed. Did I say something wrong? Was my tone of voice not right? Did I not sound attentive or polite enough?

A couple of seconds agonisingly ticked by, and I hoped that he was going to take my silence as a cue to move onto another subject. A less intimate, personal subject.

He sat up even straighter in his seat and folded his hands on the table. His mouth was drawn into a hard, fixed line, and he intensely gazed down at his whitening knuckles. He was preparing to tell me something that he was nervous about telling. Maybe something he wasn't comfortable telling, but that he wanted to get off his chest? Why, oh, why did he have to tell me? I just wanted a nice, normal conversation. Not a spontaneous, dramatic, semi-counselling session!

"In my opinion, classes in architecture are more impressive and interesting than classes in microbiology." Ikoma stared me in the eye. He had lost his calm countenance and appeared rather tense. His pupils bore into mine and I had the notion that he was waiting for me to realize something, so that he wouldn't have to just come out and tell me. What did this guy want from me?

"Oh, ar-are they?" I couldn't hold eye contact any longer. It was too uncomfortable.

"Yeah, they are." Ikoma paused for a second and looked down at his hands. He took a deep breath and quietly muttered, "I should know."

I was confused. I had been following the conversation, but now I was lost. Maybe it would be alright if I asked him to clarify what he was on about? That would probably be better than me continuously saying, "I see." He was probably getting bored with that answer.

"I'm really sorry, but I thought you were taking microbiology."

He stared at me and timidly smiled. He wasn't tense anymore, but more like...ashamed?

"I hardly know you, but you just seem like you're willing to listen." Ikoma's eyes lowered and he bowed his head a tad. He chuckled lowly, but it sounded miserable and weak.

"I should have just told you from the start to avoid any confusion." He looked up, but avoided my eyes. "You see, I'm actually taking classes in architecture. I changed all of my classes last month from microbiology to, well, architecture."

"Oh." It was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I didn't understand why he hadn't just said that from the beginning...unless it was because of –

"And, well, my parents don't know, you see. None of my friends do either. They still think I'm taking microbiology. I...I've been struggling for the last month to tell them. I know I need to tell them, but it's just so much easier to have them continue thinking that I want to get into Med school. I'm sorry that I'm unloading all of this on you, but like I said, you seemed like you were willing to listen and sometimes telling someone you don't really know seems easier than telling someone you do know, you kno-"

He continued rambling on about how he didn't know how to approach his parents with the subject of his academic changes, and how he felt guilty about deceiving them, not to mention the rest of his family and his friends. But I wasn't listening anymore. Outwardly, I appeared like I was listening by nodding and making eye contact with him occasionally, but, internally, my brain was crumpling up the checklist for Ikoma Kanji and shredding it into tiny pieces.

He was a liar. He had lied to his parents, relatives, and friends. He had successfully kept up a deceptive charade for a whole month. It didn't matter that he was struggling with guilt and shame about his decision to deceive his parents. He was still lying to them by not saying a single word to them about what he had done. He may have been polite, he may have cared about his appearance, he may have been hard working, he may have been considerate to others, but he was a liar...and that was one checkbox on my mental list that automatically equalled failure if checked off.

"...anyways, I guess I should tell them before they start pressuring me to apply for Med school, but – ugh, I just don't know. I just knew that I had to get this off my chest." Ikoma put his head into his hands and deeply sighed. I sat rigid in my seat, hoping for his cell phone to go off so he would have to leave or something. Anything for him to just leave me alone.

He let his hands drop into his lap and meekly looked up at me. "Sorry 'bout all that. But...well, what do you think?"

I had been dreadfully expecting that question and still didn't have an adequate answer. My true thoughts desperately wanted to be voiced, but they weren't let out from the confines of my brain very often.

_I don't really know what to say or think about your situation with your parents. All I know is that you are not trustworthy, and thus, are not able to be my friend. You may have deceived your family and friends, but you won't get the chance to snag me into your little deceptive traps. Not this girl._

"I hope everything works out for you," I warmly answered and, of course, offered him a polite smile.

Ikoma sat slightly slumped in his seat and just stared at me. He opened his mouth suddenly, as if he was going to say something, but then decided not to and closed it. I watched as his wide, hopeful eyes slowly became heavy with realization that I was not going to give him any advice or encouragement. My hands couldn't stay still any longer and I picked up my pen to fiddle with. He slowly brought his hands up to rest on the table and stared at the cover of Fumiko's textbook. He appeared as if he didn't know what to do with himself.

_I guess that's what happens when you reveal your true thoughts and feelings with no restraint whatsoever..._

We both jumped when his cell phone exploded with a heavy metal ringtone and he snapped out of his reflective reverie to retrieve his phone. I was surprised by his choice of music; for such a quiet, calm person, I hadn't expected such loud, intense music. People were full of unexpected surprises and hidden secrets. I certainly didn't care to know anymore of Ikoma Kanji's secrets.

He scanned the received text message and then clumsily gathered his bag and stood up. "That was a friend of mine. I, uh, have to go meet him. Could you tell Tadami and Fumiko for me?"

"Oh, alright, sure. It was nice meeting you, Ikoma." I bowed my head. I was so happy that he was leaving.

He bowed and hesitated for a second before he stiffly replied, "Yeah, it was...nice talking to you, Yagami."

He was gone in a flash; clearly he wanted to depart from the table as quickly as possible. I would never see Ikoma Kanji again.

_What a shame. He seemed like he could have been a really nice person. If only he wasn't a liar. Oh, well. I'm sure there's something else that he's hiding that I wouldn't approve of. _

It seemed very peaceful all of a sudden. The buzz of conversing students quietly echoed off of the high study hall ceiling. There were no distractions, no interruptions...no deceivers. I finally had the table all to myself. Without further ado, I began to write the rough draft of the introduction.

...

"...I guess we could have done something else if the tickets were all sold out." Fumiko paused for a second, as she tried to act composed. But she was too ecstatic to act calm. "But I'm really, really happy we got them!"

Her laughter and smile were contagious and I began to softly laugh, simply because Fumiko was laughing. I was happy for her. She deserved to enjoy herself at the social since she worked so hard at school.

Our laughter died down and we walked in silence for a bit. Fumiko and I had worked on our project for another hour or so after she, along with Tadami and Juri, had returned from Omori Hall. I had told them that Ikoma had to hurry off to meet a friend. From the looks Juri had given me, I think she assumed that I had purposely scared Ikoma away so that she couldn't ask him if he was going to the social or not. I felt like telling Juri that he was a liar and that she, even with her laziness and clinginess, deserved someone who was at least trustworthy and honest. But I didn't, because who knew what Fumiko and Tadami would have said if I had voiced those thoughts about their friend? Besides, Juri wouldn't have believed me anyways.

By the time we had left the study hall, it was late afternoon and we all had to get home for dinner. Tadami had eventually given up with his attempts to hang out with Fumiko and disappointingly headed home. Juri had departed from us shortly afterwards on a different subway car, and Fumiko and I walked most of the way home in silence. She was revelling in the thought of going to the social, and I was revelling in the thought of almost being home. Occasionally, Fumiko would make a comment about something and I would listen and respond, but for the most part we enjoyed just listening to the early evening sounds of the neighbourhood.

"Etsuko, aren't you going away on a vacation soon, or am I mistaken?" Fumiko suddenly asked.

"Yes, I'm leaving this Sunday, although I wouldn't call it a vacation really." I was surprised she had remembered that I was going away. It must have been weeks ago that I told her.

"Oh? Why not?" Fumiko cocked her head to the side. She looked curious, but also concerned.

"Oh, well, it's going to be nice, I'm sure. It's just I've never met these relatives on my mom's side and I've never been to South Korea before-"

"Is that where you're going? That's where your relatives are?"

"Yes. My parents and sister and I are all going because my mom's cousin had twins. We'll be staying there for a little over a week. I'm worried about school when I come back and-"

"Oh, Etsuko, I'm sure it will be great! Being able to sightsee, getting to meet family members that you've never seen before, being able to cuddle two babies," Fumiko squealed at the thought of the twins. "I can understand where you're coming from on the school bit, but you're hard working and I can give you some of my notes when you come back. Plus, we made a lot of progress on our project today! You should embrace this opportunity to get away for awhile and have fun and relax!"

Fumiko eagerly wanted to convince me that the trip would be great. Maybe it would be. I _was_ looking forward to seeing my parents and sister, since it had been a few months since I had been home in Tottori City with them. Missing over a week of school was something I was not pleased with though.

"Thanks, Fumiko. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure it will be fine." Maybe if I kept telling myself that, it would come true.

"It'll be great! Oh, and that's why you can't come to the social, right?"

I nodded shyly. True, I wasn't going to the social because I was going to be in South Korea, but university socials just weren't my thing anyways. Not for a cautious, introverted, worrier like me.

We had arrived at Fumiko's street. She turned and gave me a quick, but warm hug as we departed ways. I smiled to myself. She really was a good friend.

"Well, I hope you have a wonderful time, Etsuko, and take lots of pictures of the new babies and of your family members. I want to see all of your photos when you get back. Oh, and remember to do some touristy things, too!"

"Sure, Fumiko. I'll try to remember."

"Okay, see ya! Have a great time!" Fumiko called as she hurried down the street to her aunt's house.

"And you have a nice time at the social!" I called back, but not loud enough to bring any unwarranted attention to myself. Fumiko didn't seem like she had heard everything I had said, but nodded anyways and jogged out of sight.

I walked on. The fall breeze was refreshing. I could smell the delicious scents of people's dinners wafting through the open windows of the surrounding houses. I quickened my pace. I was hungry and tired and wanted to just flop down on my bed for a couple of seconds before I helped made dinner. Not too much further to go.

I walked past a group of rowdy teenage boys who were playfully punching each other and laughing loudly. I couldn't see any of their faces, since they were all huddled in a group, but I frowned as I heard snippets of their conversation about some girl in their class at school. I quickened my pace a little bit more as I heard the crude names they were calling her. They paid me no attention and I was soon out of range to hear their discussion.

_What's wrong with some teenagers nowadays? I didn't talk like that or called people names like that when I was in high school. Don't they care what people, even people passing on the street, may think of them when they say things like that?_

"Eager to get away from their conversation as well?"

I choked on my startled breath as I quickly spun around, dropping my book bag in the process, to face the owner of the voice. I was on the verge of bolting away, until I saw who it was. My heart steadily became calm again and I breathed a sigh of relief. I recognized the neatly combed, light brown hair and the piercing dark eyes. I recognized the spotless school uniform and the polished shoes. I recognized the confident, almost prideful, smile.

It was my cousin.

"Light! You scared me! You approached me so quietly, I swore I was all alone," I exasperatedly exclaimed, but my lips curved into a relieved smile as I slung my book bag back onto my shoulder.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Light quietly remarked as he handed me a book I had dropped and walked ahead of me. I ran a few steps to catch up. He was walking slowly with his hands in his pockets and his eyes were slightly cast down. It seemed like I wasn't the only one who was tired from a long day of school.

"And why would you take that as a compliment, if I may be so bold?" I teasingly inquired as I slightly leaned sideways to see his face. He slightly smirked and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

"Do you really want to know, Etsuko?" He had that slightly guarded tone of voice, as if he had a secret that he didn't want you to know, but that he was dangling in front of your nose nonetheless. He always did that to rile me up, even though I never got truly irritated with him. Just curious enough to ask again.

"Yes, I really want to know," I rolled my eyes at his tendency to draw things out.

_Just tell me already! Even though I don't mind your teasing._

"Well, I was going to tell you, but then you rolled your eyes at me, so-"

"Liggghhttt," I playfully whined. I looked at him again. I usually didn't mind if he toyed with my curiosity for a little bit longer, but now I just wanted him to get it over with and tell me. I sensed that he wasn't enjoying our little "spat," but that he had other things on his mind. And I didn't want to hog his attention over some silly teasing if he actually had worthwhile things to think about. And knowing Light, he could've had a large range of things to ponder about. I wished my brain could hold as much information as his could.

His slightly narrowed eyes didn't escape my notice either. I had annoyed him by interrupting him, however unimportant an interruption it was.

I withdrew a bit and said, "Sorry I interrupted. That was rude of me." I meant it.

He stood a bit straighter and lifted his chin a little. His actions said it all. He didn't have to say anything for me to know that he had accepted my apology and was happy that I had said it. His pride was intact again. Not that it ever truly fell apart.

"Being sneaky is a notable trait of a policeman," Light simply answered. He didn't bother to face me to see my expression; he knew how I would react.

"Of course," I quietly remarked and we walked in a slightly tensed silence for a bit.

My cousin was determined to enter the police force as soon as he graduated from university. He was going to follow in the footsteps of his father, who was the chief of the National Police Agency. I pretended that I was thrilled for my cousin's career choice, but I secretly dreaded the thought of him enrolling in the police force. It wasn't that Light couldn't be a wonderful, successful police officer. On the contrary, he could probably be the best police officer the Tokyo police force ever had within their ranks. He was a top honours student, one of the brightest in the country. He had even helped with some of the cases that his dad had worked on and he was only seventeen. He had a bountiful amount of confidence. He was a born leader in everything he did, such as school and sports. And he cared about others, even though he often was restrained in his shows of outwardly affection. But why couldn't he help people in a less dangerous job? I had tried to cover up my worry and agitation when he had talked about studying to be a police officer, but my ever perceptive cousin knew that I wasn't keen on him "fighting the bad guys." It was a topic we rarely discussed with one another.

Those thoughts passed rapidly through my head as we continued to walk home in silence. I tried to come up with something to say. Whereas he quite enjoyed dwelling in silence with his thoughts, I felt uncomfortable surrounded by silence when in the company of another person. It was difficult for me to be silent with others and uneasy for me to talk to people as well...it was a fail-fail situation.

Then I remembered the comment he had startled me with.

"Were you eavesdropping on those teenagers' conversation as well?" I cheerfully inquired.

_I hope he doesn't realize that I'm steering the conversation away from the topic of his career choice._

If he had realized my intentions, he didn't show it. He simply replied, "Technically, I was a part of their conversation."

"What! You mean those boys are your friends?" I couldn't control my surprise. Why would Light be hanging around those type of guys? They were crude, mean, and immature...they were nothing like Light.

"I never said they were my friends, Etsuko. They're just a bunch of classmates who insist on walking a part of the way home with me."

I studied the way his eyes glowed for a second and how the corner of his lip curved slightly upwards. They may not have been his friends, but that didn't mean he was bothered by their company. Light was popular, both with the girls and the boys in his class. It shouldn't have surprised me that a group of classmates wanted to follow him around in order to get a little bit of that popularity that he held in abundance. Furthermore, it shouldn't have surprised me that Light didn't mind being fawned over. My scrutinising eyes could see the eloquent pride that burned within his eyes. And in return, I blazed with pride for my cousin. He deserved to be satisfied with himself.

_Then again, sometimes he's a bit – _

I squeezed my eyes shut and repressed that annoying, unfaithful thought.

Light carried on. "Don't worry. I don't even know their names."

I looked at him. I felt like I had to make it up to him, even though I hadn't spoken the disloyal thought out loud.

"I know you make good decisions, Light. You make good decisions in everything you do, so of course you would choose your friends wisely as well." I paused for a second and considered the next thing I wanted to say. Light appeared to know that I wasn't finished talking by the way he languidly inclined his head slightly towards me, as if to say, _"And what else?"_

I confidently continued, "Although, I can't really say that I know what type of friends you would choose because you never bring any home." My eyes instantly darted towards his so I could read his reaction to what I had just said. I didn't want to offend him in any way, suggesting he didn't have any friends.

His eyes randomly focused on something in the distance and he shrugged.

"The national exams are almost here. I have studying to do. I don't have time to invite friends over." His answer sounded bored and rehearsed, as if he had repeated the answer to multiple persons. Probably one of those individuals was his sister, who was constantly pestering him with questions regarding both his social and love life.

I couldn't help but notice that he hadn't answered my inquiry into what type of friends he had. Just because he didn't bring home friends, didn't mean he had none. Right?

_Of course he has friends, silly. He probably has bunches of people who are begging to be his friend at school. But like he said, he has studying to do, which, of course, is the wise, responsible thing to do. _

"I assume studying and school work are the reasons _you_ never bring home any friends."

My head jerked upwards and then meekly lowered. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Light stare at me, his brow creased with curiosity.

"Etsuko?"

I faintly smiled. A hint of concern tinted his voice. He knew that he had touched a sensitive nerve.

"That's very nice of you, Light, to say so, but we both know that's not the reason," I murmured sadly.

Light was silent for a second as he contemplated what he was going to say. He was so considerate that way. Other people just rushed ahead with an answer, not caring if they were being careful with their words or not. But not Light.

"There's that one girl you're friends with, right? The one you went to high school with?"

"Yeah. She's nice and sincere, but she's always hanging out with some of her other friends who I don't like. They wasted so much of our time today with their distractions and lack of commitment. They are so immature and lazy!" I exclaimed.

"I can imagine," was Light's quiet response.

"They introduced me to another friend of theirs today and he seemed like he had a lot of potential, but then I found out that he was a total liar." I sighed and shook my head sadly. "It was quite disappointing. I could have gained another friend."

"Too bad for him," Light shot a quick smirk in my direction and I felt my face grow warm from the compliment. I felt honoured to receive his praise.

"Well, I don't think he knows that I don't want to be friends. I sort of, um, let him down gently, I guess you could say." I sheepishly nibbled on my lower lip and avoided eye contact with Light.

"In other words, you didn't tell him whatsoever that you don't want to be friends, but instead just smiled and said nothing," Light correctly concluded. He wasn't asking for clarification; he answered confidently and matter-of-factly. He knew all of the little disguises that I wore and tricks that I used to camouflage my true thoughts and feelings from people. My sweet, polite smiles and ever-agreeable responses may have fooled other people, but they were no match for Light's perceptiveness.

It was that very insightfulness that had drawn me into a close relationship with my younger cousin. From an early age, I would plaster on fake smiles when I was upset or disagreed. And this wasn't done in order to simply follow the social norms. I did so because of the fear and mistrust I had towards people. Thus, I used this method to protect myself. People, even people I knew quite well, would carry on, believing that I was content as could be. Meanwhile, I would dwell in the security of knowing that I had escaped their judgments.

But Light was different. At an early age, he had been suspicious of his older cousin's chronic habit of smiling, and quite proudly announced to me that I was a fraud. I had tried in vain to convince him that everything was alright, but he was firm in his deductions and had demanded that I tell him why I was always pretending to be happy when I was upset, or agreeable when I disagreed. I embarrassingly told him that I didn't trust people with my thoughts and feelings.

I still remember him, eleven years old and bold as ever, standing in front of me in my living room. He and his parents and sister had been staying in Tottori City, visiting my family and I for a few days. My parents and his parents were in the kitchen sipping that familiar herbal tea that my mother always made. As he stood there, not budging in his stance and convictions, I remember scolding myself for telling my little cousin my problems. Being the older child, I shouldn't have unloaded my troubles on him. But being the mature boy that Light was, he wasn't scared off by his preteen cousin's worries.

_"You can trust me, Etsuko."_ His simple, but sincere answer had shocked me. Someone could see past my pretending, but that was alright because I could _trust_ them. I remember that realization had compelled me to wrap my arms around Light and squeeze him in a hug. I remember laughing as he tried to discreetly squirm his way out of my embrace; even as a kid he didn't thoroughly enjoy physical contact.

_"I know I can, Light,"_ I had responded and he had firmly nodded before politely asking me if I would like to see his recent tennis trophy that he had brought with him from home.

At the time, I didn't think that that conversation would amount to anything, but as we both grew older, and Light became more observant and confident, and I became more nervous and cautious around people, an unique bond between us flourished. Besides enjoying each other's company (our shared values naturally drew us together), we both_ benefited_ from each other's company. Light had concrete, passionate opinions that he was confidently firm in. He basked in the knowledge that I was interested in hearing his opinions, and I openly accepted being his "sound board" on the occasions when he preached his views and feelings about people and society. I had worries and disturbances with people. I found comfort in knowing that Light was a trustful, patient person who I could talk to at times, without worrying about him crushing my feelings and thoughts. On the contrary, he would usually applaud me for the unspoken judgements that I had passed on people whom I had encountered.

He received my loyalty. I believed that I had gained his as well.

We were almost home. I had to explain myself, even if Light already knew why I acted the way I did with most people.

"What was I supposed to say? I couldn't be rude and tell him point-blank that I couldn't be friends with him. And who knows what he would have thought or said if I did tell him? He would've been offended and then told Fumiko and she wouldn't want to be-"

"You have no trouble telling me how you feel so..." Light's voice was soft and serious.

My voice wavered with earnestness. "That's because I _trust_ you, Light! I've known you for practically my whole life. I know that you're honest and faithful! But he's a liar and a deceiver and-"

Light continued to talk quietly, but the emotion in his voice increased. "How will bad people ever learn, ever change, Etsuko, if those who are right and honest don't show them that they are wrong? When I think of all the dishonest people out there-"

"Please, can we just stop? Please, Light?" This was too much for me. It was too uncomfortable. Too nerve-wracking. Too difficult.

I sighed. I hadn't raised my voice the entire time during our discussion, but the intensity of the conversation had tired me emotionally. I spared a glance at Light, who had fallen into a reflective silence.

To a passerby, Light's facial expression was bored and slightly tired, even bordering on expressionless. But to my eyes, his entire being was ruminating in a concoction of intense, passionate emotions and thoughts. His hands were clenched tight within his pockets; I could see the outlines of his bent knuckles through the fabric of his blazer. His head was slightly bent to hide the way his adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat sporadically, as if was trying to swallow all of the thoughts that were overcrowding his mind. His mouth was curved slightly downwards and he barely took breath as he walked along, as if couldn't spare any brainpower to concentrate on breathing. His fringe covered most of his brow, but his eyebrows were slightly furrowed. And his eyes. Although half-lidded, such intensity boiled beneath those dark eyes. Such raw emotion and feeling that I could only imagine of experiencing.

It was strange, but sometimes I would have a funny thought when Light was captured in such an intense moment: _I hide my feelings and thoughts because I am worried what people may think of me and what threat they pose to me. With Light, it seems as if he sometimes hides his feelings and thoughts because they're too powerful...too perilous for people to handle._

The thought bothered me, but I would dismiss it. It was too uncomfortable and laughable to ponder about.

I had to apologize. I had refused to listen to what he had to say.

"Light? I'm sorry for not listening. You know how hard it is for me to even hear such suggestions, such as confronting someone, never mind actually doing it. I don't have the type of courage and strength that you do."

He didn't answer right away. He was silently trying to cool down from the discussion. I could see how he slowly began to calm down: his hands released within his pockets, his head rose slightly, his breaths were calmer, and his eyes widened as he blinked and focused on his surroundings. He turned to me.

"I know, Etsuko. It's fine." His voice had returned to that bored, weary tone. As if the heated discussion had tired him.

But something didn't feel fine. He still sounded upset, even though he tried to cover it up with his relaxed strides and good-natured comments that he contentedly voiced during the rest of our walk home. Just like I couldn't fool Light with my disguises and tricks, he couldn't fool me with his collection of concealments. My eyes examined everyone in my sight, and that also included my cousin. And something, _something_, was bothering him. I just didn't know what it was.

By the time we reached the front gate, the intense discussion was forgotten and we had moved onto more pleasant topics. Light opened the gate for me and I smiled at him before turning my smile to my aunt's and uncle's house. It had been my home since I had moved to Tokyo to attend university, which was bordering on nearly three years ago. Although it never could replace my home back in Tottori City, it was more than a worthy substitute because of the people who resided inside its walls.

Light and I were welcomed home by the banging of a door upstairs and a piercing squeal. Sayu galloped down the stairs, still in her school uniform, and jumped up and down in front of Light and I. Light barely glanced at her as he unlaced his shoes.

"You promised, you promised, you promised!" Sayu bounced up and down with each word, her hands clenched tightly in front of her. Her excited eyes occasionally glimpsed at me, but they were mainly glued to her brother.

"What did I promise you, Sayu?" Light calmly asked as he stepped past Sayu and walked into the kitchen. Sayu trailed after him, literally right at his heels. I followed after.

"You promised that you would spend some time with me after supper tonight. Remember? You said that once you were done with that assignment of yours, you would do something with me. And since you handed that assignment in today, that means you can spend time with me! Right?" Sayu took a deep breath after her little speech. She was leaning against the counter and staring at Light as he said "hello" to his mother, who was busy preparing dinner.

"I don't know, Sayu-"

"But, Light, you promised! You can't break a promise to your own sister!"

I tried to intercede for Light's sake. "Sayu, he has a lot of studying to do for the national exams-"

"But he promised! I know you have to study, but can't you take a break for a bit?" Sayu pouted stubbornly. I sighed and shook my head at her ignorance.

_Doesn't she know how important those exams are? She shouldn't be distracting Light from his goals-_

"Alright, fine. But only for half an hour. Then I have to study. Got it, Sayu?"

"Got it, big brother! You're the best!" Sayu enthusiastically nodded and began to ramble out suggestions for what they could do together. Light nodded and agreed with any suggestions she put forth; it didn't seem to matter to him what they were going to do. I marvelled at how patient he was with Sayu. It wasn't rare for Sayu to poke her head into his room and ask for help with homework, only to watch him work through the assignment while she spent the time talking her head off about someone at school or some celebrity she liked. But he never turned her away and would occasionally spend time with her when she asked. If it was me, I don't think I could've handled Sayu's boisterous and distracting nature as patiently and serenely as Light did.

"Sayu, will you please go change out of your school uniform. Dinner will be ready soon and I don't want your father to wait around for you to be ready to eat," my aunt calmly spoke to Sayu, as she stirred something on the stove.

"Sure thing, mom!" Sayu bounced up the stairs and Light shortly headed upstairs to his own room. I placed my book bag against the couch in the living room and offered to help my Aunt Sachiko with dinner.

"Thank you, but there's no need, Etsuko. Dinner's almost done. Why don't you go upstairs and rest for a bit before your uncle comes home?" Aunt Sachiko smiled warmly. She created such a peaceful atmosphere in the house.

I bowed and made my way upstairs. As I passed Light's room, I noticed that he had already opened his school books to get in some pre-dinner studying. I didn't say anything to distract him. He was concentrating hard.

I placed my book bag on my desk, flopped down on my bed, and closed my eyes, giving them a rest before I was called down to dinner.

I had only closed my eyes for about five minutes when Sayu happily, and loudly, announced the arrival of her dad.

"Dad's home!"

I startled awake from my semi-conscious trance, stretched, and headed downstairs. My aunt was helping my uncle out of his jacket as he set his suitcase down on the floor.

"It's nice to see you home early, uncle."

Uncle Soichiro looked up and nodded slowly. "It's good to be home, Etsuko."

I believed him. He looked worn out and tired. It was rare for him to come home this early to enjoy dinner with the rest of us. Being the chief of the NPA was time-consuming and hard work, and it showed on my uncle's exhausted and creased face. I couldn't help but wonder and worry about Light.

_Is Light going to look like_ _that one day when he becomes a policeman, and most likely, the chief? Is he going to come home early some nights to his wife and children, tired and worn? Is he bound to follow in his father's footsteps to even this extent: ready to collapse when he enters through the door?_

My thoughts were interrupted by the rest of the family heading to the kitchen. I followed suit and we sat down to dinner.

...

"So, did you catch any bad guys today, dad?"

I clenched my chopsticks tightly and cringed. Did Sayu have to bring that topic up? My aunt didn't look too impressed either.

"Sayu, dear, why don't we leave that talk for after dinner? Why don't you tell your father what you did in school today?"

"Nothing exciting happened in school today, mom, except for Rami spilling her whole lunch down the front of her blouse. So, dad, did you?" Sayu stared at her father with bare anticipation.

"No, Sayu, I didn't. Not today," uncle monotonously answered Sayu as he continued to focus on his food. He didn't seem too keen to talk about work. I didn't blame him, considering the work he did. No one wanted to talk about it, so why couldn't Sayu-

"Then I presume you still haven't gotten any leads on that double homicide case?"

I looked up at Light who had paused from eating and was staring at his dad, waiting for an answer to his question. That same intensity that had glimmered in Light's eyes when we had been in the middle of our heated conversation had returned. It was an eager intensity, a hopeful intensity. What was he so eager, so hopeful to hear?

"You're correct, Light. Unfortunately, we've exhausted our entire witness list and haven't come across-"

"Please, dear. You too, Light. Can't we have a nice, cheerful dinner? It can't be good for you, dear, to talk about work while you're at dinner with your family." Auntie's eyes pleaded silently with her husband to move onto another topic. My aunt was a lot more patient with her husband's and son's willingness to talk about crime cases than my mother was. Around my parents' table, my dad was never allowed to voice one word about his cases during dinner; my mother strictly forbade it.

"I'm sorry, dear. We'll stop talking about it," uncle warmly reassured auntie and then turned back to Light. "How was school today, Light?"

My eyes instantly darted to Light's eyes and, sure enough, that intensity had vanished and was replaced by a bored gaze. He shrugged as he picked at his food. "It's the same as usual."

That curiosity and worry as to what was bothering him returned to the forefront of my mind, but I barely had a chance to wonder when uncle turned to me.

"And how was your day, Etsuko?"

"Oh, it was very good, uncle." I smiled and took a sip of my tea. Light's amused look didn't get pass me, and I timidly smiled at him. His look said it all: _"Oh, yes. You had a "wonderful" day, didn't you, cousin?"_

The rest of dinner was uneventful. After cleaning up, Sayu raced upstairs to retrieve Light's video game console to connect to the living room TV. She had decided to play video games with Light for half an hour and reasoned that playing on the big screen was much better than on the small television in Light's room. I began to head upstairs to begin my homework, when Sayu tugged me back into the living room.

"You can play too, Etsuko. I wouldn't want to leave you out. Besides, it's more fun when there are more people to play with."

"Oh, thank you, Sayu, but I have homewo-"

"Surely you have time to play a couple of rounds, Etsuko?"

I looked past Sayu and found Light smirking at me from the couch.

_That sneak! If he's forced to be away from his studies, then I guess he thinks I should be forced away from mine as well. _

I complied and followed Sayu to the couch. I pointedly ignored Light's evident smirk, but I couldn't help but mutter as the game screen appeared on the TV, "Had to drag me into this as well, did you?"

Light's smirk grew a tad bigger and he innocently replied, "What are you talking about, Etsuko? Don't you want to play?"

My answer was a gentle prod in the ribs with my elbow. A dry snigger escaped Light's lips and we turned our attention to the game.

Even though Light would have preferred to have been upstairs studying, he didn't let the opportunity go by of beating both Sayu and I continuously at the racing game we played. For half an hour I listened to Sayu's half-hearted complaints when Light victoriously beat her over and over again, and Light's not-so-half-hearted objections when Sayu tried to nudge the controller from his hand when he was in the lead. I giggled at their sibling rivalry and didn't care if I won or lost.

_We really should do this more often. _

As soon as the half hour was up, Light set the controller down and stood up.

"Alright, Sayu, I have to go study now."

"Awww, alright. A deal was a deal. Thanks, Light! Thanks, Etsuko! I have my TV show to watch now anyways," Sayu responded as she switched the game off. The television returned to normal and the evening news popped up on the screen. Sayu was about to flip to her show, when Light's hand darted out and clamped down on the remote in Sayu's hand.

"Light? What are you doing? I'm going to miss my show!"

"...today Fujiwara Chikuma was found not guilty in the Kumamoto rape-murder case. Protesters gathered outside the court house to protest Fujiwara's release and innocence. Kumamoto Yasumi's parents and brother were amidst the protesters, along with her middle school classmates and several of her teachers. Kumamoto Yasumi's body was found on June 15th in the Tama River..."

"Light! Give me the remote! I can't miss my show!" Sayu grabbed at Light's hand, but his grip was firm and unmoving. His eyes were fixated on the TV screen. His mouth was creased into a disgusted frown.

I didn't like seeing Light that way. It was...worrisome. And the news. It was horrible and tragic. It needed to be turned off.

I joined Sayu as we tried to pry Light's hand off of the remote.

"Come on, Light. You don't need to see that."

All of a sudden, Light's grip slackened and he numbly handed the remote over to Sayu, who instantly flipped to her show. Light left the room without a word. I stood rooted to the spot, confused and concerned over what had just happened. Before I left the living room, I gathered the video game console and controllers in my arms and headed upstairs. I peeked into Light's room to see him hunched over his school work. I could've knocked and returned his video game equipment, but something told me that he didn't want to be disturbed at the moment. The way he was drilling a hole through his notes with his fierce gaze made me aware that I would not be welcomed. I definitely didn't want that gaze to fall upon me.

I headed to my room and began my own homework, but I couldn't stop worrying over Light. First our emotionally-riddled conversation on the walk home, then his intense stare at dinner, now his reaction at the news report. I couldn't stand not knowing what was upsetting my cousin. I would eventually have to ask, but it would have to wait.

As much as I needed to know what was upsetting him, I was scared to find out at the same time.

...

"Light? Is it alright if I come in?"

I softy knocked on his half-open door, hoping that I would receive an answer. I heard his chair rattle as he rolled away from his desk and stood up. The door opened fully and Light appeared in the doorway with a disinterested look on his face.

"What is it, Etsuko?" His voiced sounded tired.

"I just wanted to return your video game equipment and..." I hesitated and shifted back and forth on my feet.

"You need help with homework."

I looked at the notebook and calculator tucked underneath my arm. I guess it was an easy assumption to make.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, only if you have time, but-"

"It's fine." Light nodded and took the video game equipment from my arms. He instantly looked over the assignment. I sat back and let him study it before he tried to explain it to me. I couldn't help but beam at my cousin's intelligence. He was still in secondary school, yet he could easily look through a university-level mathematics problem and figure it out. I liked imagining what great things he was going to accomplish one day.

My admiration towards my cousin couldn't stop me from worrying though. He was in the middle of the problem when I softly cleared my throat and inched forward. Light looked up from my notebook and raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"Um, do you mind if I ask, um...if I ask what's bothering you?"

Light's brow furrowed in mock confusion. "What are you talking about, Etsuko?"

"Please, Light. I know I didn't listen to you before, and I'm sorry for not doing so. But I'm ready to listen now. When we were talking about that boy I met at school today, you were upset. And then at dinner today when you were talking with uncle, and when you saw the news. You looked bothered, and I was worried about you. I-I still am."

Light looked at the serious, worried expression I wore on my face. He sighed, set down his pencil, and stared at his hands. A moment of silence went by, which was extremely difficult for me to sit through. I was nervous of what Light would say. Maybe it's nothing, but what if something was really wrong? I couldn't help but think that it was the latter.

Finally, he spoke.

"There's a lot of bad people out there, Etsuko, and it's not fair that they get away with hurting others."

I frowned in puzzlement at what he said, and then began to understand. There were a lot of bad people in society: the acquitted criminal on TV, the murderer uncle was trying to capture, even lying Ikoma Kanji. And there were a lot of people who got hurt: the middle school girl whose body was found months ago and her grieving family, the two murder victims in uncle's case, and Ikoma's parents and friends and...me? Light was upset because of the crime-infested, immoral society that we lived in? It bothered him so much that he would freeze and stare with such intensity, such emotion? It bothered me too, but not to that extent. Frankly, I was unsure of how to respond.

But Light was patiently looking at me, waiting for an answer.

"Uh, well...I'm sorry, Light. I don't really know what to say. It is horrible how so many bad people get away with hurting others without getting punished, but what can we do? The police are doing the best they can," I hesitantly muttered out.

Light looked disappointed with my answer and looked back down at his hands. I slightly panicked.

_Please don't be disappointed with me, Light! I'm trying to listen and help! I just want to make you feel better but-_

"If it bothers you so much, then maybe you shouldn't think about it, just ignore it. That's what I do if something is too distressi-"

"Ignoring these problems won't solve anything." The bitterness in Light's voice was clearly evident and I noticed how he clenched his pencil tightly in his hand. "These people need to be brought to justice, Etsuko, and only then will the ones who were hurt be able to feel safe and relieved. Surely you and your family can relate to that."

My eyes widened in surprise. My hands gripped the fabric of my jeans tightly. I let my hair and bangs cover my distressed face. I couldn't let Light see how upset I was by his last comment. I didn't want him to feel guilty of upsetting me.

_If only it was that simple, Light. If only it was that easy to feel safe and relieved._

From behind my veil of hair, I watched as Light's frown of bitterness transformed into one of regret. The wheels on his chair squeaked as he inched closer to where I was hunched over. His hand lightly rested on my shoulder. I tentatively glanced up and saw the unmistakable glimmer of concern in his eyes.

"Etsu...," he softly murmured. The tension in my shoulders released. The familiar nickname, which had been originally bestowed on me by my father, was spoken by Light whenever he wanted to get my full attention. And when he was genuinely sorry.

"Forget I said that," he gently whispered and then lifted his hand and rolled back to his former position.

That was Light's form of an apology. I gladly accepted it with a nod of my head and a small smile.

He then resumed speaking in that former embittered tone.

"It's just frustrating. Something needs to be done. It's just...just ridiculous."

Although he didn't raise his voice and barely altered the tedious expression on his face, his words carried a deep, blistering bite to them. My chest clenched with pride and admiration for my cousin and his ambitions and desires. His thirst for justice was heart warming in a society that mainly consisted of hearts that beat with indifference and ignorance.

_Sort of like my own heart at times-_

Thank goodness for individuals like Light then, who were brave and strong and righteous enough to go forth and make society a better place! I had no doubts that Light could do it, could change the rhythm and beat of society's "heart."

But my hopefulness was washed over by the ever-powerful waves of worry. What type of sacrifices and risks would Light have to make in order to abolish those injustices? What dangerous forces might he encounter? I frantically tried to avoid the tidal wave of anxiety that was flooding my mind. I desperately tried to cling onto optimistic thoughts.

"Light..."

His glazed over eyes melted as he broke away from his distressing thoughts to face me.

"You'll make a great policeman one day. And society will be thankful for the improvements that you'll create," I fiercely whispered.

Light blinked as he registered the words I had passionately murmured. His mouth curved into a confident, satisfied smirk.

"That's what I'm aiming for."

He returned to my assignment and eventually I, under his patient instruction, was able to successfully complete my math homework. We spent the next half hour discussing school, the national exams, and my upcoming trip. It was nice and light hearted, and Light seemed more relaxed. We didn't delve any deeper into the topics of justice or crime or what needed to be done to fix society up. I wouldn't have minded if we never discussed those topics again. I was happy to just spend time catching up with Light.

If need be, those heavy topics could wait for another day.

...

On Sunday, November 24th, my uncle drove me to the airport for my departure to Tottori City. I would spend one day at home before heading off with my parents and sister to South Korea. As my uncle drove us away from the house, I watched as my aunt and Sayu waved goodbye. Light stood beside them, a small, casual smile on his face. As happy as I was to get the opportunity to see my parents and sister, I knew I would miss my other family members and my daily routine. I kept thinking to myself as I leaned back in the front seat, soft music humming from the radio, _I'll be back before I know it. Back to normalcy. _

Little did I expect the changes that would occur during my trip, both in my family...and in my country.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: **_**I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Just wanted to thank the people who took the time to review! Much appreciated! This chapter was originally supposed to be longer, but I thought I would trim it down a bit so it wouldn't be so long and rushed. Hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 2

"Ignorance is bliss." – Thomas Gray

**...**

My plane touched down on Tokyo soil a little after 7:00 pm on Monday, December 2nd. I was happily relieved to see Uncle Soichiro patiently waiting for me by baggage claim. I just wanted to get home. After the whirlwind of a week I had had with my family in South Korea, I was ready to face-plant down on my mattress and sleep for a whole week. I tried to stay awake and alert during the car ride home by thinking of all the school work that I would have to catch up on. I didn't want to appear cranky or tired when I walked through the front door and was welcomed by my aunt and cousins.

My uncle must have sensed my sleepiness and kindly refrained from bombarding me with any questions regarding my trip. Then again, he was most likely exhausted as well from a long day of work. He probably whole-heartedly welcomed the silence.

Before long, we had rolled into the drive. Uncle kindly lugged my suitcase out of the trunk and trailed it behind him as he opened the front door for me. Instantly, I was hit by the house's familiar and comforting smell: the lingering scent of leftover Katsudon, the clean smell of the detergent that my aunt used in her evening load of laundry, the gentle fragrance from the bouquet of flowers that were always sitting in the front hall. I breathed in and slowly breathed out.

_Coming home after a trip and breathing in that "house aroma" has got to be one of the best things in the world. _

It was a feeling of security. A feeling of normalcy. A feeling of belonging.

Those feelings intensified as my aunt and Sayu emerged from the kitchen to greet uncle and I. The barrage of questions hit me full force, as both Aunt Sachiko and Sayu flung question after question at me regarding my trip and my family.

I tiredly smiled at them, happy to be surrounded by my relatives once more. "I do have some pictures if you want to see."

"That would be lovely, Etsuko! Why don't we head to the living room instead of just standing in the doorway, hmm?" Auntie suggested.

"Did you, um, you know, bring back any souvenirs?" Sayu murmured under her breath as she leaned closer in on me, sneakily trying to avoid her parents from overhearing. I smirked at her hint.

From the look and tone of voice that uncle directed towards Sayu, I would've guessed that he had overheard her little question. "Sayu, help your cousin with her bag."

"Oh, yeah, sure, dad!" Sayu sheepishly grinned and grabbed my carry-on bag and headed for the living room.

"I guess Light isn't home yet from cram school?" I asked auntie as I hung up my jacket.

"No, he's home. He's up in his room studying. He must not have heard you come in. Light! Light, Etsuko's home!"

As auntie called Light down, I digested her words. They made sense. Light may have had his door shut and was so preoccupied with studying that he didn't hear uncle and I come in. But a part of me was disappointed that he hadn't come down immediately and greeted me like auntie and Sayu. A part of me had hoped on the ride home that he would have been instantly at the door with questions and a helping hand ready to take my bag. I dispelled those uncomfortable thoughts.

_He probably knows how tired I am from the week I've had and the plane ride. He probably wanted to give me some space before coming down and saying, "hello." He's so considerate that way._

Whether those thoughts were true or not, I made myself believe them.

Light appeared on the stairs and timidly smiled in my direction as he reached the front landing. "I had my door closed and didn't hear you come in. Welcome back, Etsuko. How was your trip?"

"It was very nice. I'm glad to be back though." I returned the smile wholeheartedly.

_With Light here now, we're complete._

"Etsuko has pictures to show us. I thought we could sit in the living room."

Light nodded and replied to his mom, "Sounds good to me."

"I'll make tea."

As auntie headed to the kitchen, the rest of us adjourned to the living room. For the next half hour my camera was passed around and gazed over while I answered questions about my trip: Yes, my family was doing well, my relatives were very happy that we had visited, the twins were adorable, and we enjoyed visiting the Buscan Aquarium among other places.

"Ohhh! It's so cute, Etsuko! Thank you!"

I smiled over my cup of tea at Sayu's ecstatic face as she hugged the stuffed toy tiger that I had bought her. It had a South Korean flag stitched on its chest, but Sayu barely noticed as she crushed the toy with one of her signature bear-hugs. Uncle and auntie were also interested in the gifts I had brought back from South Korea for them, such as the intricately carved eyeglasses case for uncle ("The designs on the case are based off of 17th century Korean penmanship," I had informed my uncle as he studied the cases' elaborate exterior with a bemused expression), and a South Korean cookbook for auntie (who also wore a bemused expression on her face as she read out the foreign ingredients). I was happy that everyone so far seemed to enjoy their gifts. I hoped that I wouldn't disappoint Light as he finished unwrapping his present.

"A notebook?"

"Yes. It has interesting facts about South Korea on each page. I thought you could use it as a day planner once you start university. Do you like it?" I eagerly asked, trying to read Light's reaction.

"Yes, it's very nice," he lightly replied and flipped through the first few pages. His eyes twinkled with amusement as he ran his fingers through the pages. He appeared to be caught up in thinking about something else, something exciting and pleasurable. I was curious about his reaction.

"What's so amusing?" I adorned a lopsided smile and curiously raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, it's nothing," Light waved his hand dismissively, but he was still smirking in that amused way, as if he was internally laughing at a joke that no one else would understand.

"Technically, I do have one more gift for you, Light," I quietly remarked as I fumbled through my carry-on bag.

"What? Light get's a second gift?" Sayu squeezed her stuffed tiger protectively. Uncle gave her a reprimanding look. She stayed quiet.

"It's not really a gift. That is, I didn't pay any money for it. One of my mother's cousins had a bunch of old books lying around that he didn't want anymore and he wondered if I wanted to take a look through them. See if there were any that I wanted. I didn't really find any that interested me, but I did find you this..." I ended my sentence by pulling out a thick-bounded book and placed it within Light's hands. I anticipated his reaction.

"_Architect in the World, Volume 6_," Light read the title and I instantly pounced him with my next question.

"That is the one volume you don't have, right? I was pretty sure that was the one, but I couldn't remember for sure-"

"No, this is the one I still needed to complete my collection. Thanks, Etsuko. I really appreciate it." Light barely looked at the book, but he sounded sincere. He was probably itching to get back to his studying.

Sure enough...

"Would it be alright if I head back upstairs? I still have a lot of homework and studying to do," Light politely asked his parents. I could see him slightly fidgeting and he had been discreetly eyeing the staircase for some time now.

His parents obliged and he thanked me once more as he gathered his gifts and headed upstairs. I heard his door close and the wheels of his chair squeak overhead. I could just picture him hunched over his desk, flipping through his books and hurriedly scribbling down notes. I knew he always had a lot of studying to do, but I hoped he wasn't disappointed or bored with his gifts. He didn't seem overly interested in the architect book, which surprised me because I knew he had been searching for that particular volume for months. He seemed intrigued with the notebook though. Then again, he didn't appear to be interested in the notebook as much as he seemed amused about something that perhaps _reminded_ him of the notebook. Perhaps it had reminded him that he was going to be leaving the confines of high school soon for the more challenging and innovative realm of university. Perhaps...

Sayu left for her room shortly afterwards and I spent some time catching up with my aunt and uncle. They told me that they were expecting Light to bring home the results of the national exams any day. I remarked that he was still so busy studying even after the exams. They had smiled proudly and responded that he didn't slow down just because he had bounded over one scholarly hurtle. He still had the university entrance exams to study for.

_That's right! I had forgotten how quickly those entrance exams sneak up on you. That makes sense why he was so intent on going back upstairs. Not that he really needs to worry about them. Knowing Light, he'll probably get a perfect score on them..._

It wasn't long before I began to feel the full weight of exhaustion bearing down on me. I went to bed early, dreading the school work I would have to catch up on tomorrow, while also anticipating the return to my normal routine.

**...**

The three girls sitting two tables down from me were on my last nerve. Every time they opened their mouths that nerve would quiver and stretch that much further, until I was sure it was going to snap. It was bad enough that I had to stay late at the library catching up on assignments and readings, but to have their constant chattering echoing off of the shelves and walls made it even worse. We were in a library, a place of silence. Where was a stern librarian when I needed one? It was their job to make sure students remained quiet.

Occasionally, one of the girls would peak over her shoulder to see if I was disturbed by their talking and she would receive my polite smile. I knew that by smiling I was only giving them more assurance that it was okay to talk, but it's not like I had any other option. The only other options were being rude to them and that wouldn't do.

Lately they hadn't been looking in my direction, but had huddled closer together and talked in low voices. I could still hear what they were saying, but I sensed that they didn't care...they were too wrapped up in whatever they were talking about. I tried to ignore them, but it was impossible. Especially when I began to listen to what they were actually conversing about.

"Yeah, he died, too. Only one day after those other gang leaders."

"Are you serious? That sounds too eerie to be a coincidence, don't you think?"

"What, you think someone actually killed these guys?"

"Haven't you heard the rumours?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"The rumours that have been going around campus. Apparently, some internet sites have mentioned him as well. The main media sources and the police seem to be covering it up, but-"

"Who's this "he" you're mentioning?"

"I can't believe you haven't heard of _him_! Then again, maybe it's a girl..."

Five minutes later my chair screeched across the floor as I abruptly stood up. I gathered my books and papers and stuffed them rather unceremoniously into my bag and briskly, but calmly, walked out of the library. I could feel those girls' questioning eyes on my fast retreating back. I suppose they thought they had been talking quietly, but I had heard enough to become agitated and leave. And I wasn't leaving because I had finally lost my patience with their chattering, but because of what they had been talking about.

Mass murderers, major gang leaders, death row inmates, terrorists, war lords. All of them...dead. In just the past few days, some of the world's major criminals had died. The newspapers and police were trying to cover it up, claiming it was a coincidence. But, apparently, there were underground publications and internet sites that publicized a different theory. Someone was killing these criminals. Someone was killing criminals _all over the world_.

That was when I had left the table and the disturbing conversation that I wasn't even a part of. I couldn't hear anymore. What those girls were babbling about was absolutely ridiculous and absurd and downright impossible. But that didn't mean it disturbed me any less. Fixating on death and criminals and killing was not pleasant conversation. It was dangerous for one's well being to ponder thoughts like that.

I stepped out into the pouring rain and shuddered as I drew my hood up. I grumbled to myself as I hurried along campus toward the subway station.

I sunk into an empty subway seat minutes later. With my soggy book bag positioned on my drenched lap, I breathed a sigh of relief that I would be home soon. I closed my eyes briefly and imagined warm, dry clothes, instead of the cold, damp attire that I was currently ruminating in. When I opened my eyes and briefly glanced at the occupier of the seat beside me, all relief seeped from my body.

The man seated beside me was reading the newspaper. Sprawled across the top of the page in big, bold script was: **NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLER DIES FROM HEART ATTACK IN FUCHO PRISON**. The man appeared to be reading the article. I noticed his face was creased with a combination of conflicting emotions: confusion, worry, relief, even joy. His face continuously twitched, as if his facial muscles couldn't decide which emotion to fully display. He noticed I was looking at him, and huffed as he pulled the newspaper closer to his face. I flushed with embarrassment and instantly faced the other way. I tried to focus on the advertisements above the adjacent seats, but I couldn't displace the headline and those girls' conversation from my mind.

_What's going on? I've never heard of something like this before. Could it just be a coincidence, or is it something more? No, of course not, it has to be a coincidence, a really freaky coincidence. Anyways, it doesn't matter what it is; you just have to stop thinking about it. Just breathe and empty your mind. The best thing to do is ignore it all. _

I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. Soon I was going to be home and away from startling headlines and disturbing, muttered conversations. Peaceful, restful home.

I clumsily speed-walked for most of the way home, more eager than ever to burst through the front door. As I neared the front gate, I anticipated seeing that familiar glow shining forth from Light's window, a soothing beacon that welcomed me home. But as I reached the front of the house, I noticed a heavy darkness occupied Light's room. The stark absence of light was intensified by the heavy sheets of rain that pelted against the window frame. It was strange to see no light shining from his window.

_Maybe he just has his little desk light on, or maybe..._

For a couple of seconds I stared up at his window, wondering if he had already turned in for the night, when a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky and I stumbled my way through the gate and front door.

The house was uncommonly quiet and still. I had expected to hear the TV softly playing from the living room or Sayu's chattering in the kitchen. The muted sound of the rain continued to drum against the roof. I stood there, dripping wet, a puddle slowing growing underneath my shoes. I leaned slightly to the side to peer up the stairs. The hall light was off and the stairs led to pitch blackness. I stood there, staring upstairs, as if expecting someone to emerge. The headline and muttered conversation in the library returned to the fore front of my mind, and I shivered as I continued to stare up into the darkness.

"Etsuko, is that you?"

I startled and turned away from the stairs. Auntie emerged from the end of the hallway, faint raindrop stains on her clothing.

"I had just run out quickly to close the back gate. The storm blew it open. From the looks of it, you had a rough time getting home." Auntie looked over my drenched clothes. "You should head upstairs and change and then come back down. I saved some dinner for you."

"Oh, thanks, auntie," were the words that fumbled out of my mouth and I removed my sopping shoes and jacket. I hesitated at the foot of the stairs, suddenly nervous of entering the dark hallway. I was never one to be afraid of the dark, but with the storm blowing overheard and the remnants of the headline and conversation still swirling inside my head, I was feeling a bit edgy.

I quietly chided myself for being such a wuss, and dashed nimbly up the stairs. I didn't stop until I had reached my room and had switched the light on. I stood still in the glow of my bedroom light, greedily taking in its brightness. After a second, I began to rummage around in my dresser for some dry clothes and, after getting dressed, I exited my room and headed back down the hall. I briefly stopped outside of Light's room and thought about knocking, but then dismissed the thought and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

_Maybe he has actually turned in for the night. I didn't hear him at his desk working and it is somewhat late. I don't want to wake him just in case._

I entered the kitchen and was greeted by a steaming bowl of leftovers. My aunt was a saint. Auntie Sachiko smiled over her shoulder as she washed a few dishes in the sink.

"Thank you so much, auntie! I didn't realize that I was going to be so late. I know I should have called," I guiltily stated as I dug into the food.

"That's alright. I expected you to be home late simply because of the storm. I expect Sayu will be late coming home as well from her lesson."

_That's right. Sayu has her violin lessons on Tuesdays. And uncle's probably working late. That's why the house seems so quiet._

My eyes randomly glanced at the fridge and noticed an official looking document held up with magnets in the centre of the fridge door. Auntie followed my gaze and broke out into a proud smile.

"Light got the results of the national exams today," Aunt Sachiko explained as she dried her hands on a dish towel and sat down across from me.

"Top marks again?" I asked over my bowl, but I already knew the answer.

"Yes! The highest marks he's ever received," auntie beamed as she absentmindedly scrubbed a stain off the table. Her pride and joy over her son's scholarly accomplishments were clearly displayed on her face. She had such high hopes for Light, such dreams for her eldest child. I wondered what that particular type of pride felt like, that pride of a mother towards her child. As I studied my aunt's glowing face, I imagined it was one of the most satisfying feelings one could experience.

"He certainly deserves the rest he's getting after all the studying he's been doing." I blew on my cup of tea and held the warm mug against my cheek. I was still feeling chilled after being out in the rain.

Aunt Sachiko's smile faltered a tad and her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "You mean he's gone to bed? When I interrupted him a couple of hours ago, he was studying."

I set the mug down. "Well, his main light is off and he hasn't come down, so I just assumed."

Auntie shook her head slightly, mildly bothered. "He only had his desk lamp on when I interrupted him. He'll ruin his eyes that way, studying with only that little bit of light." Aunt Sachiko paused as she picked a fluff off of her sweater. "I'm sure you're right. He's been studying so hard lately that it makes sense that he's gone to bed early."

Auntie refilled my mug and began to ask me about school. I avoided mentioning the conversation I had witnessed in the library and the newspaper headline on the subway. Thankfully, auntie didn't mention anything about the criminal deaths (or killings?), and we contented ourselves with light hearted conversation.

Two cups of tea later, Sayu arrived home, slightly less drenched than I had been, since the storm had let up a little. After getting a mild scolding from auntie for forgetting her umbrella (and thus, getting her violin case wet), Sayu eagerly headed upstairs to change and go to bed. I decided to follow suit shortly afterwards.

"Oh, Etsuko, I forgot to offer you an apple." Auntie abruptly sat up and moved to the kitchen counter.

"An...apple?"

"Yes, the neighbour gave us some. I gave a whole basket full to Light to help with his studying, but I saved a few for the rest of us."

I said goodnight and headed upstairs, apple in hand. The darkness in the upstairs hallway had lost its intimidating, eerie effect; funny what a few cups of tea and pleasant conversation could do to change the atmosphere. I set the apple on my desk and, shortly afterwards, turned off the light. I nuzzled my pillow and curled up under the blankets. The rain spitted gently against my window and the glow from my alarm clock softly illuminated my bedside table. I fell into a heavy sleep.

**...**

Someone was trying to get through my window. I knew that that was highly unlikely, but in the bleary fog of half-wakefulness, it sounded like someone was scratching my window pane, eagerly trying to get in. As I struggled to wake up completely, images of leering eyes and sinister grins at my window flooded my brain, and I desperately tried to escape those nightmarish images by repeatedly blinking and wearily shaking my head. A whisper of a breath shakily exited through my lips as I readied myself. I bolted up in bed and turned towards the window.

There was no one there. No ghostly spectre or threatening stranger. The storm had picked up again and the rain rattled the window pane, imitating the sound of fingernails repeatedly tapping a surface. Or at least, that's what it had sounded like in my sleep. What had I been dreaming about before the storm woke me up?

I hugged my knees to my chest as I instantly remembered the disjointed images that had haunted my sleep. Images of bleeding criminals, illustrations of prison cells piled high with rotting corpses of inmates, visions of a dark, mysterious stranger...the killer.

"Stop it, Etsuko," I whispered reprovingly to myself. "There is no killer. All of those deaths were a coincidence, weird incidences. Nothing more."

My words did not comfort or reassure me. My mind struggled to sober up from the drug-like after effects of the nightmare. The howling winds outside and the suffocating darkness within my room did little to calm me down.

I began to mumble to myself again. Hearing the words out loud seemed to make them more real.

"I should lie back down and close my eyes. I'm sure I'll fall back aslee-"

My whole body stiffened. My back cracked as I hunched over my knees, my chin awkwardly resting on my knee caps. My hands clenched the blankets in a death grip. My heart beat thudded within the innermost regions of my ears. I stared at the foot of my bed as I listened intently.

I hadn't been the only one speaking. Lurking in the darkness somewhere, a voice had spoken. A low, grave voice.

_This is ridiculous! Th-there is no voice. You've let your imagination run too far and now it's making you jump at nothing. Stop it rig-_

It spoke again. It was very quiet; barely above a whisper. I couldn't hear what it was saying, but it was close. Somewhere in my room? My eyes blindly searched the corners of my room, trying to see if there were any strange, misplaced objects (or figures) lurking in the shadows. My alarm clock's outlandish, green glow barely illuminated my room. I was staring into pure blackness.

It spoke a third time. This time it was a bit louder, but I still could not decipher the words that it spoke. The increase in volume allowed me to pinpoint where it was coming from though. I shifted in bed and nervously placed my ear against the wall. My hands continued to wring the blankets. The voice was still extremely faint and somewhat garbled.

After a few seconds of listening, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of relief flood through my body. My hands unclenched. My breath unhitched from my throat. My heart settled.

I recognized the voice.

It was Light's voice. Even through the thick wall, I could recognize his voice quietly muttering next door in his bedroom. It was impossible to hear what he was actually saying, but the tone and pitch were distinctly Light's. I weakly smiled and shook my head at my foolishness.

_How could I have actually believed that there was someone or something in my room speaking? I must be more tired than I thought. And I must also be thinking too much about those criminals' deaths in order for my mind to produce such delirious, paranoid imaginings._ _But, wait...something's still not right._

I leaned against the wall once more and listened to Light's muttering.

_Why is Light talking to himself at 2:00 in the morning? Is he still awake, studying? Maybe he's reciting his notes out loud to help him memorize them? No, he had gone to bed early. Could he be talking in his sleep? But I've never woken up before in the night and heard him speak like this. But what other explanation could there be? _

Light had momentarily stopped speaking and there was silence again. A few seconds passed and then he resumed whispering. I leaned back against my heard board and thought.

_Technically, I don't know for sure if he went to bed early; he actually could still be awake doing school work, but that doesn't seem like Light. He usually goes to bed at a reasonable time in order to be fresh and alert the next day. Then again, maybe he's pushing himself really hard in order to do well on the university entrance exams. And there could still be the explanation that he's talking in his sleep. I mean, just because I've never heard him do that before, doesn't mean he hasn't in the past. This could all be based on timing. If I had woken up from my nightmare at some other time during the night, there's a good possibility that he wouldn't have been talking, but sleeping peacefully instead. I just woke up at the exact moment that he began to sleep-talk. He'll probably quiet down again soon. _

As soon as that thought had crossed my mind, Light stopped whispering, and all that could be heard was the drumming of the rain against the windows and house. I listened, but all I heard was the rain. Content that I had two reasonable explanations for my cousin's late night muttering, I pulled the blankets back over myself and nestled in my warm bed. Before long, I felt the weight of sleep pulling my eyelids shut.

Before sleep completely pulled me under, I thought I heard Light's voice again, but drowsiness clouded my mind and I fell asleep not knowing for sure.

**...**

I opened my eyes as the morning sun streaked across my cheek. I blinked blearily and listened for activity in the bathroom. I stretched and stumbled out of bed as the toilet flushed and the sink ran. I heard Sayu humming to herself as she opened the bathroom door, the floorboards gently creaking as she walked down the hall to her room. I tugged an old sweater over my shoulders and headed for the bathroom before anyone else was able to claim it.

While brushing my teeth I thought to myself: _Should I ask Light if he was studying or not? I don't want to pester him with questions when he's just minding his own business in his room. It worries me that he may be staying up so late, but I don't want him to think that I don't trust his study methods. Not only that, but I don't want him to think that I'm acting overly protective; I mean, I am his older cousin, but I'm not his mother. And I don't want to embarrass him by telling him that I heard him sleep-talking last night, if that was the case. I'll just let it be and pretend I never heard anything. _

I exited the bathroom and shuffled into my room. At first I didn't notice anything missing. In fact, I was just about to leave my room after getting dressed and packing my book bag, when I noticed the empty spot on my desk where a particular object was supposed to be sitting.

The apple that Aunt Sachiko had given me was missing. I frowned and shuffled some things on my desk, looking for it. I got down on my hands and knees and peered underneath my desk and dresser. I got up and stood in the middle of my room in utter bafflement.

_How does a piece of fruit just disappear like that? Ugh, I was looking forward to having it for breakfast. What a perfect start to my day._

I tried to dismiss the situation, but it was bothering me. I hated losing things, however insignificant they were. I stood still within the doorframe of my room, mentally reviewing the steps I had taken the night before when I had entered my bedroom.

_Maybe I placed it somewhere else and I just can't remember at this moment where I put it. It's pretty silly getting this worked up over an apple, but how does something like that just disa-_

At that moment, Light stepped out of his room, oblivious to me standing within the threshold of my bedroom. He was ready for school in his uniform and his standard book bag slung over his shoulder. He also had an empty basket clutched in one hand. He had a few faint crinkles under his eyes; visible proof that he hadn't received a lot of sleep the night before.

_It looks like he _was _up late, studying. It's either that or talking in your sleep isn't very restful. Either way, he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. _

However, for someone who hadn't gotten a lot of sleep, he looked somewhat rejuvenated (even with the slight crinkles under his eyes). As if the lack of sleep had revitalized him, had pumped up the blood in his system. I had only been staring for a second at my cousin's display of supposed invincibility to fatigue, when he flinched ever so slightly and his eyes darted in my direction. I, in return, startled a little as he abruptly turned to me. I was expecting him to ask me what I was doing standing within the doorframe, staring at him. But instead he quickly, and quite discreetly, examined my face, checking for something. Although his face remained emotionless, his eyes glimmered with faint specks of nervousness.

_Is he trying to figure out, just by looking at me, whether or not I heard him last night? Is he nervous that I may have heard him? That's not like Light to be so concerned about something so trivial. Unless he thinks I'm worrying about him not getting a lot of rest, which I am, but – _

The flecks of worry quickly vanished and Light's face adorned a casual grin as he greeted me with a "good morning." I, in return, responded as we headed for the stairs together.

"Good morning. Sleep well?" I bit my tongue as soon as the words had left my mouth. Of course he hadn't slept well and now I had just reminded him that –

"Yes, fairly well. I feel quite refreshed actually," he pleasantly replied as we headed downstairs.

_He's trying to cover up the fact that he had a restless night in order to not worry me. But I can see those crinkles under your eyes, Light, and even though you're being kind by trying to not worry me, I – _

My thoughts were interrupted when I randomly glanced at the empty basket within Light's left hand. I was momentarily puzzled with its presence, but then remembered that auntie had given a basket of apples to Light, in order to aid him in his studying, the night before.

_A whole basketful...he must really enjoy apples._

All of a sudden, I understood the flicker of nervousness that had glimmered briefly in Light's eyes. He wasn't concerned if I had heard him speak the night before (well, maybe he was a little), but he was nervous that I had figured out where my apple had disappeared to.

_So, you're the culprit. The thief who stole my apple. A whole basketful wasn't enough, cousin? You snuck it out of my room when I was in the bathroom, didn't you?_

I smirked and crossed my arms in mock offense. "I guess being sneaky_ is_ a useful quality, not just for policing, but for around the house as well."

Light frowned a little and tilted his head slightly to the side. "What are you referring to, Etsuko?" He honestly sounded confused, but I wasn't going to fall for his fake ignorance.

"You know what I'm referring to, but that's alright. I'll let it go this once," I jokingly stated as we entered the kitchen and sat down for breakfast. I wasn't really upset with him, but more amused than anything. I never knew my cousin had such a craving for apples that he would actually swipe one from someone else's room.

Light still appeared puzzled with my "accusatory" statements.

"Did _you_ get enough sleep, Etsuko? You seem a bit confused," Light said teasingly, but I could hear the seriousness behind his question.

"Um, sort of. I dreamed a lot, so I guess it wasn't too restful." I rubbed the bridge of my nose tiredly, wishing I could have had a few more hours of shut-eye.

Light nodded understandingly, confident that he had discovered the reason for my previous comments: I was saying weird things because of a restless, dream-filled night. He probably thought I was still caught up in some after-effects of a dream.

And, in a way, I still was.

Light's innocent question had reminded me of the nightmare I had had during the night and, therefore, also had reminded me of the reality of the criminal deaths. I shuddered and pushed those thoughts into the farthest corners of my mind. I firmly planned on keeping them there, safely tucked away from consciousness.

Only one day later, those unpleasant thoughts were dragged away from the deep recesses of my mind.

**...**

A crowd of students gathered around one of the science buildings, and I ignorantly walked into the middle of the throng on my way to the library. After realizing I had gotten mixed in the middle of the crowd, my eyes instantly focused on what the other students were looking at. It was impossible to ignore the bright, red spray paint on the whitewashed building. My eyes were subconsciously consumed with the writing, and even when some professors and university administrators ran out of the building and dispersed all of us students, the words remained in my mind, as if they had been crudely carved into the very muscle of my brain. An unforgettable, confusing message...written twice in both Japanese and English.

**Kira is King! Long may He judge our nation! May He annihilate the evil of our country!**

I tried to escape the words scrawled on the wall by dashing away towards the library, but I was taunted by their menacing, disorderly meaning.

_What was that? It's bad enough that someone actually vandalised university property, but the message itself seemed anything but uplifting. Simply the choice of words was disturbing: "judge" and "annihilate." And who is this "Kira?" Isn't that similar to the English word "killer?" So, whoever wrote that message worships a killer?_

I swallowed the lump in my throat and clenched the ends of my shirt sleeves tightly.

_Does this have anything to do with the deaths of all those criminals? Could this "Kira" be the rumoured killer of those offenders? I mean, it's obviously a coincidence that all those criminals died, but it seems that a lot of people believe these deaths were murders. Maybe that's the name that these people have given their fictitious killer._

I didn't care if people thought that the deaths were murders, but what scared me was that they were making their opinions loud and clear (and visible). Why couldn't they just keep their thoughts about these deaths to themselves and leave the rest of us in peace?

I met up with Fumiko in the library to work on our project. Regrettably, Tadami had accompanied her. I kindly offered to scour the library shelves for valuable research to aid us in our project, while Fumiko continued writing notes at one of the tables. Unbeknownst to Fumiko, the main reason I wanted to browse through the shelves was to get away from her boyfriend's obnoxious laughter, which was attracting an uncomfortable amount of negative attention from other students.

When I returned to the table, however, it seemed that Tadami had managed to attract a different kind of attention with his laptop. A few students from the surrounding tables were hunched over Tadami and Fumiko, curiously gazing at his computer screen. Whatever they were staring at had definitely captured Tadami's interest as well. He stared unblinkingly at the screen, his mouth slightly hanging open in fascination. I was surprised to see even Fumiko leaning towards the monitor, her brow creased in utter bafflement. I noticed, with a bit of alarm, that her eyes were tinted with fear.

"Um, wha-what's going on?"

Fumiko jumped a little in her seat as she spun around to face me. Her face relaxed as she saw me standing behind her, but the fear had not left her eyes completely.

"Oh, Etsuko, it's you! You startled me," Fumiko weakly giggled and tried to divert her attention away from the computer screen by focusing solely on the books I had brought to the table. "Oh, you found so many books! That's great! How about we go through each one-"

"Holy shit! 'Miko, you have to check this site out! It's even better than the last!" Tadami loudly exclaimed. His face twitched sporadically with excitement and adrenaline. His outburst had startled the few students peering at his screen, and they quickly left, having been jolted out of their fascination with whatever they had been looking at.

Fumiko meekly turned around to face Tadami and softly said, "Tadi, maybe we could look at that some other time. Etsuko and I have a lot of work to get done."

I tried to not let the shock register on my face. I was amazed that Fumiko was actually standing up to her boyfriend and wasn't giving in to his demands. Whatever they had been looking at must have been really upsetting for Fumiko to say "no" to Tadami's simple request.

Tadami didn't pick up on Fumiko's nervousness though. "Ah, come on, 'Miko! You have to see this! I thought you liked being up-to-date with recent, newsworthy events. And this is newsworthy! I'll even pull up a chair for Etsuko to see as well."

I desperately wanted to tell Tadami that I had no interest in seeing whatever he was looking at, but instead I dutifully plunked down on the chair beside Fumiko and nervously glanced at the computer screen.

Tadami had a website pulled up. When he had mentioned that whatever he had been looking at was newsworthy, I was expecting a local news media website with articles and headlines. What I found myself staring at was not a news media website and there were no articles or headlines in site. The website was coloured in heavy hues of black and grey, and in the centre of the screen was an enshrined heart accompanied by a wing on each side. Sort of like angel's wings. In the centre of the heart were the following words: **The Legend of Kira the Saviour.**

My eyes widened. There was that name again: Kira. Was this one of those websites that had recently started appearing, the websites that discussed the rumoured killer of the criminals? As Tadami entered the site and clicked here and there, I began to feel slightly nauseous with the realization that I was correct. I had expected the sites to include intelligent discussion about the recent deaths and the _possibility_ that there was a killer. But the forums and discussion pages on the site did not discuss the likelihood of a killer, but _venerated _the faceless entity named Kira.

_Kira is King. Kira the Saviour. _

People were worshiping him. People were actually posting on the site names of people they wanted this Kira to kill. Whether or not such a killer actually existed didn't matter to me at the moment; there were people out there, and quite a few people, who were craving death, who were high on vengeance and blood lust. And that scared me. The fervent idolism of the site awakened a fear within me that struck deep, all the way down to the marrow of my bones.

_People want more death. People are celebrating it. This could create panic and fear. This could create instability and danger and –_

"So, what do you think? Isn't it awesome? This Kira guy is getting to be really popular! There are tons of sites out there about him. The newspapers and police are so stupid if they think they can keep covering up all this by saying the deaths are coincidences. Obviously, someone's been killing all these bad guys."

When Fumiko and I both didn't respond, Tadami appeared mildly frustrated and poked Fumiko until she looked at him. She was no longer perplexed, but downright scared. She was pale and her mouth quivered slightly.

"I don't know, Tadi. I...I don't know," she whispered and then looked expectedly at me, as if waiting for me to say something comforting. Outwardly, I appeared calm and unaffected by the disturbing website, but inside I was bubbling with worry and dread. I had no comforting words to say to Fumiko. I was struggling to quell the fear _I_ was currently experiencing.

Tadami wasn't satisfied with Fumiko's answer and turned to me. He must have been desperate for an answer if he was asking my opinion. "What about you, Etsuko? Pretty cool, huh?"

I blinked at Tadami and then briefly glimpsed at the site once more.

"Nice, um, nice emblem," I sputtered out and glanced down at my folded hands in my lap.

Tadami quickly glanced at the outline of the heart and wings on the site. He looked back and forth from Fumiko and I, confusion written clearly all over his face.

"Nice emblem? What about the stuff actually _written_ on the site-"

"Tadi, don't you have class soon? We don't want to make you late, so..." Fumiko trailed off, hinting that he should probably pack up his laptop and leave. I was thankful for Fumiko's gentle goading; hopefully, Tadami would get the hint that the discussion was unwelcomed.

Tadami grunted something about class never starting on time, but he must have finally seen the uncomfortable glimmer in Fumiko's eyes and packed up his laptop and left. Fumiko and I sat silently, watching Tadami leave through the library doors. Fumiko made the first move and got up to sit on the opposite side of the table, giving her more space to spread out her notes and books. I worriedly watched her as she began sifting through articles. She was uncharacteristically quiet.

_I suppose that website really rattled her. _

I didn't say anything and grabbed an article to look through as well. If Fumiko didn't want to talk about the website, then the last thing I was going to do was bring up the topic.

Only about ten minutes had passed when Fumiko softly cleared her throat. I raised my eyes and saw her pick at the eraser on the end of her pencil, her eyes downcast and her lips downturned into a worried frown. She hesitantly glanced up at me.

"Etsuko, y-you don't think that that site...well, that those people on that site are serious, do you? I mean, there is no killer, right?"

I noticed how Fumiko kept obsessively picking off pieces of her eraser, a little pile of pink scraps of rubber gathering on the article page in front of her. I observed that she struggled to make eye contact with me and that she was nervously nibbling on the inside of her cheek. She was scared, just like me. Scared of the mounting pile of dead criminals that was occurring around the world. Scared of the zealous people on those websites. Unlike me though, Fumiko couldn't just ignore it and suffer with her fright in silence. She had to talk to someone about it, had to beg for reassurance. Fumiko was usually the cheerful one, the friend who always had an encouraging word to say to others. But now, she needed comfort and I realized how vulnerable she really could be at times. My heart went out to her

For the first time in a long time, I gave Fumiko an opinion that contained more truth than fabrication.

"It's impossible for someone to be killing all of those criminals. It's just a bunch of strange incidences," I gently murmured and offered a timid smile. Fumiko stared hopefully at me for a few seconds. I couldn't help it and quickly added, "Don't you think so?"

Fumiko thoughtfully looked down. With bated breath, I nervously tried to read her expression. Did she agree with me, did she think I was too forthright in my answer, was I not polite enough?

"You're right, Etsuko."

"Huh?" I internally scolded myself for the abrupt exclamation, however quiet it was.

Fumiko kindly repeated herself. "You're right. It's silly to think that there's actually a killer out there. How could someone possibly kill all of those people, especially when the deaths are so spread out? It's impossible, just like you said. These websites and all these rumours around campus about this so-called "Kira," exist just to excite people's morbid imaginations."

Fumiko said her words confidently, but I wondered if she believed them whole heartedly, or if she was just trying to make herself feel better. But the way she threw herself back into her work and began to chatter about this and that after giving her answer, made me think that she did believe them...even to some extent. As I sat wondering about Fumiko, I began to realize that I was examining my thoughts as well. I believed in what I had told Fumiko, but there was a part of me that wondered, and worried, if the deaths were more than just mere coincidences.

_What if...what if there actually was a kil-_

It was a fleeting worry, one that I barely had time to focus on before my more rational, conscious thoughts banned the nasty, little thought away.

As Fumiko and I rode the subway and then walked a part of the way home through the busy city streets, I couldn't help but glance at the people we passed, wondering what they thought about the deaths. My eyes rapidly scanned the focused businessmen on their phones, the school girls gossiping in their cliques, the harried mothers tugging toddlers behind them, the homeless panhandlers hidden in the shadows of the alleyways. What thoughts passed through their minds when they read those headlines, those headlines that boldly announced more deaths? Were they consumed with worry...or with joy? Did they secretly wish to praise this Kira with spray paint on walls and typed words on websites? Or did they simply try to banish it all away from their minds, like I was struggling to do? Something that I was finding harder and harder to do as the presence of Kira made itself more and more well known.

My eyes shifted from person to person in the crowded downtown streets swiftly. I didn't even notice when I clumsily crashed into a man standing still in the middle of the sidewalk. Words of apology were instantly on my tongue, but the man barley seemed to notice that I had bumped into him. He was staring at something across the street, mouth unattractively agape. My brow creased in confusion and I muttered a quiet apology under my breath as I backed up and walked around him.

_There's some strange people around downtown. Why do I always have to be the one who bumps into them? Best to just quietly get away without attracting their attention._

I realized that Fumiko wasn't beside me. I looked over my shoulder and found her not too far away from the man I had bumped into. She was gazing at something across the street as well.

I walked up to her and followed her gaze. She was staring at one of the TV monitors across the street. There appeared to be some sort of newscast playing on the screen. It was clearly not a local or national news station, but appeared to be some sort of international report. I hadn't been listening to what the reporter had been saying and didn't care to know. There was nothing ever positive on the news. Best to just ignore it all and pretend it didn't happen. But Fumiko seemed interested (along with a large group of other people on the sidewalks and in the intersections), so I stood slightly behind her and waited until she was ready to move on. I didn't want to appear rude and tell her to continue walking, but internally I was impatient to just get home.

_What news could be so interesting for her to stand out in the open so publically and vulnerably? Does she, along with all of these other people, expect to hear something new, something different? It's always the same-_

"...otherwise known as L."

I snapped out of my internal grumblings when I heard the strange declaration from the news reporter. Upon closer assessment, he didn't look like a typical news reporter; his hair was long compared to the short-trimmed style that the news anchors usually sported, and he was quite young compared to the regular middle age reporters. In addition, his whole demeanour and presentation seemed uncharacteristic of a news anchor; his tone of voice was restrained and his eyes were cold and slightly irksome. Besides his atypical appearance for a news caster, his name was written in clear, bold English lettering on a place card for the viewers to read. That was odd; why was his name so significant for it to be displayed like so?

But what confused me the most were the words that he had uttered.

_L? What is he talking about? What is this news cast about? _

I quickly glanced around at the people who had stopped to listen to the news report. Apparently, the news caster's strange introduction had stumped everyone else as well; people gazed up at the screen with confused eyes and creased brows. My eyes returned to the monitor and I anticipated the reporter's next words. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was slightly curious as to what was going on. However, the innate curiosity that began to bubble up within me could not subdue the nervousness that nibbled on my nerves. Anything out of the ordinary infected every nerve and bone in my body with anxiety, and that news report was anything but normal.

The reporter spoke again.

"Criminals around the world are being murdered by a serial killer. I consider this act..."

I choked on the breath that had been journeying down my windpipe. I brought up my hand to suppress my coughing, but no one around me seemed to notice. Their eyes were glued to the monitor, including Fumiko's. She stood tense and still on the sidewalk, her hands balled into fists. She almost seemed mesmerized with the screen and with the words that spilled out of the reporter's mouth.

I, on the other hand, did not hear any more of what the reporter had to say. His last words reverberated in my ears, blocking out any speech or sounds, and my brain scrambled furiously and chaotically with processing the words that he had spoken.

_He just said that criminals were being killed. He just said that criminals were being KILLED! Are these the same criminals that everyone's been talking about? Of course, they have to be! What other criminals would he be referring to? B-but, I thought the police and media were saying that the deaths were coincidences! So, why are they now saying that these criminals were murdered? Did they find a new lead or something, confirming that the deaths are indeed murders? Does this mean all of those websites are true? Does this mean there actually is a "Kira?" Wait, no, this can't be! It's impossible! It's not feasible for someone to be killing all of those people! It just can't-"_

My heart beat echoed loudly within my ears, accompanying my turbulent thoughts. My hands wrung the ends of my shirt sleeves tirelessly. I needed to focus, focus on anything, but the sickening realization that the deaths were now being treated as murders clouded my thoughts and muffled my hearing. I didn't want to be there, surrounded by all those people and standing in the shadow of the TV monitor. My curiosity had vanished. The ticklish feeling of nervousness had grown into an almost overwhelming itch that needed to be scratched. That needed to be attended to. The only way I knew how to relieve that itch was to –

"Kira, I've got a pretty good idea..."

_Kira! He just said 'Kira!' So he does exist! No, no, I can't accept that. This news reporter must be wrong. Any second now the police will cancel this program, claiming that it is a farce, propaganda...something! There has to be a rational, logical explanation for all of this, and claiming that there is a serial killer out there named Kira is completely irrational, completely illogical!_

Fumiko tore her captivated eyes away from the screen for a second and looked in my direction. She must have noticed that I had begun to shuffle my feet impatiently and uncomfortably on the spot, eager to leave and head home.

"Etsuko, are you alright?" Fumiko sounded concerned, but her eyes barely focused on mine before she turned them back to the monitor. I couldn't understand why she was so fascinated with the report, when only hours ago she was desperately trying to avoid the website that Tadami had shown us. Technically, both the report and the website carried the same news. Was it because this was an official, international report, instead of the fanatical ramblings of a serial killer's followers? Or had her fascination simply blotted out the fear that had consumed her before? Perhaps it was scarier for Fumiko to hear wild theories and assumptions, than to hear the bare-faced reality that the reporter sincerely announced, even though both sources contained the same news.

Whereas for me, the theories were the lesser evil. I could scoff at fantastical websites about a serial killer, but ridiculing the international news was another thing all together. Still, a part of me just couldn't accept what the news reporter was saying. How? How could what he was saying be real?

_There just can't be a killer. How could there be? It's impossible, simply imposs-_

Suddenly, a strangled cry erupted from the monitor speakers and echoed off of the surrounding downtown buildings. Gasps of shock and cries of terror simultaneously erupted from the crowd. Fumiko softly gasped as she covered her mouth with her hand. My fidgeting had stopped and I stood rigid on the sidewalk, staring up at the screen in utter disbelief.

The reporter had suddenly collapsed across his desk. He didn't move. All that could be seen was the top of his head, his face flat down on the desk's surface. Apart from the nervous tittering amongst the crowd, an eerie, shocked silence hovered over the square. Two men entered the screen and lifted the reporter's limp body from his seat. The silence was pierced by a voice in the crowd, shrill and fierce with sudden realization of what had occurred.

"He's dead! Kira killed him! He's dead, he's dead!"

The solitary voice was like a swinging sledgehammer against a makeshift damn. All of a sudden, everyone was talking, shouting at the screen, hurriedly calling friends and family on their cell phones. The flood of noise washed away my frozen stance and I frantically turned towards Fumiko, who was still staring up at the screen with shocked eyes.

"Fumiko! Can we please leave? Please? I don't want-"

Suddenly, the screen was consumed by a massive letter 'L.' The letter's enormous presence was overwhelming and outlandish. The clamour of the crowd ceased almost instantly as everyone turned towards the screen and stared with wondering eyes.

The letter spoke in a garbled, robotic voice.

"I had to test this out just in case, but I-I never thought it would actually happen. Kira, it seems you can kill people without having to be there in person."

That's when I lost it.

"Fumiko, please! Please, can we leave? I can't handle this! Please!"

I could feel the threatening force of fear clench my heart. The 'L' continued to speak in its mechanical tone, but I consciously refused to listen to anymore. It was too much...I had to escape. I had to get home. Safe, normal home.

"Etsuko, did you just hear what was said? That person, whoever they are, is saying that-"

I grabbed a fistful of Fumiko's jacket. "I don't want to know! I just need to leave. I can't-"

I quickly let go of Fumiko's jacket and clenched my shaking, sweating hands. My heart raced and I groaned in agitation as I realized what was coming, what was quickly approaching me. It would swallow me up and spit me back up after gnawing on my body and mind for a good few minutes.

_No, it won't happen here! I won't let it! I refuse! I need to get out right now!_

All of a sudden, Fumiko noticed my quivering hands and the sweat that had begun to gather on my brow. And being the caring friend that she was, she grabbed my hand tightly and in a firm, but gentle voice said, "Alright. Let's go."

I nodded absentmindedly and stumbled after her, gripping her hand tightly as she led me out of the crowd and away from that electronic voice.

_Please, Fumiko. Lead me away from this square with all of these people and the TV screen. Lead me away from that overbearing letter with the garbled voice. Lead me away from the reporter's dead body, from the word "Kira," from this whole nightmare that is swiftly becoming reality._

We weaved through the crowd and then ran down the sidewalk as soon as we were free from the suffocating mass of people. We ran until the echo of the letter's voice was smothered by the honking of traffic and the blaring chords of sidewalk rock bands. Fumiko released my hand and we ignored the stares from people passing by as we leaned against a building, trying to catch our breaths. I quickly examined my surroundings and breathed a sigh of relief; everything was normal on the street. People were going about their business without a care in the world. It was as if the reporter's live death and the presence of the mysterious 'L' had never happened.

But I wasn't foolish. I knew that only a couple of blocks away, the news cast was probably still being aired and that there was a crowd of people eagerly listening to whatever was being preached by that letter.

There was no waking up from the reality that had been terrifyingly presented to everyone, the reality that many had already believed in: There was a killer who was murdering criminals and he went by the name of Kira.

Fumiko startled me as she gently rested her hand on my shoulder. I turned my eyes towards her and noticed the frightened look in her eyes.

"Are you okay, Etsuko? I was worried about you back there. You were sweating and shaking and-"

"Yeah, I know. I was, um, just really scared by that...by that reporter dying."

Fumiko leaned back against the building and slowly breathed out. "I can't believe that actually happened. One minute he was just talking and then..."

The memory of the reporter crying out in pain and desperately clutching at his chest flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes and breathed out deeply. The panic and confusion that had flashed through his eyes for that split second before he collapsed haunted me still.

"I guess then...there really is a killer," Fumiko's voice quivered as she murmured her words.

We avoided eye contact and gave each other a couple of seconds to cool down from the ordeal. The realization had startled both of us, albeit I panicked more than Fumiko did.

Fumiko abruptly pushed herself away from the building and tightened her ponytail. "Well, at least this Kira is only killing criminals. It could be a lot worse, right?"

I stared at Fumiko as I slowly moved away from the building. He was only killing criminals. She was right. Why hadn't I focused on that fact before? I had been so consumed with fear when I had initially heard about the deaths. But, technically, there was nothing for me to fear. I had never done anything illegal in my life and didn't know anyone who had. And for once, the people who had done wrong were getting punished...were getting hurt.

But, wait. That reporter wasn't a criminal. He was just an honest man trying to make a living. Maybe he had a family, a wife and children who were probably being told at that exact moment that their husband and father had been murdered in cold blood. How was that justice? How was that fair?

And in the end, I reminded myself, all those deaths were going to create fear and panic. Death never equalled harmony.

I looked again at Fumiko, expecting her to mention how unjust it was for Kira to kill the reporter. But she didn't say anything, except that she was eager to get home. I noticed that she avoided eye contact and barely talked as we began to walk away from the building. I wondered once again if she whole-heartedly believed in what she had said, or if she said it only to comfort herself. Perhaps dwelling on the reporter's death was too uncomfortable for her and so she...

And so she ignored it.

I walked with a new determination in my step, for once relishing the silence between the two of us as we walked home. It was time to fall back on that reliable, soothing plan of mine. Ignore it. Ignore it all. Maybe Kira did some good and some bad? And whoever that 'L' guy was, who cared? As long as I was safe and my family was safe, then there was nothing to worry or think about. Pretty soon the police would capture this Kira guy and it would all be over.

I would just have to wait it out patiently.

**...**

**A/N: A little tid-bit: The tiger is the national animal of South Korea. **

**The next chapter will get the main storyline into gear and the chapter after that introduces L. =)**

**Apart from that, I hope you enjoyed it and would love to hear your thoughts!**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: **_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: I would love to get feedback about this chapter because I'm not as confident with it as I was with the first two. Also, do people like the length of these chapters, or would they prefer shorter ones? Tell me what you think and hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 3

"You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims." - Harriet Woods

**...**

I had barely walked a few steps after departing from Fumiko, when I realized that I wasn't alone on the street. There was a group of people behind me, talking quite loudly and brashly. They were male and sounded quite young. I tried to pick up my pace, but their voices were inescapable on the calm, quiet residential street.

"Good thing we went to the arcade today or we probably would have missed it!"

"Tell me about it! That broadcast was amazing!"

No. Oh, please, no. Haven't I been startled and shocked enough for one day? I don't need a reminder of what happened this afternoon.

"You guys weren't scared by it, not even a little?" A hesitant voice shyly questioned the rest of the group.

"Hell, no! It was awesome! Finally someone's bringing justice to this city." The voice that answered was the loudest and quivered with unrestrictive fervour.

_The fact that he killed an innocent reporter...you think that's bringing justice? That that's awesome? _

Every time I blinked, I saw that reporter's face and his wide eyes before he collapsed. The shock of seeing that broadcast was going to linger with me for quite a bit.

Another person spoke, their voice a bit rough around the edges. "Who cares about justice and all that crap? It's about time something interesting and entertaining happened on the news."

My hands balled into fists. How could that guy say that? Didn't he understand that the reporter had been murdered, that that broadcast was not some scene from a movie or video game?

The timid voice spoke again, expressing similar thoughts to my own. "How can you say that, man?"

The gruff voice was bitter and harsh. "For all I care, people can rot."

_What's wrong with people nowadays?_

The loud, excited voice abruptly spouted, "Hey, hey! Did any of you guys post a name on that website?"

_They can't be serious-_

"Which one? I posted my ex-girlfriend's name on multiple Kira sites," the gruff voice snorted.

"Ha ha, she deserves it after what she did to you, man! That asshole of a brother of mine has his name posted on a couple of them. Probably going to post it on a couple more when I get home. He probably pissed his pants when he saw that broadcast! Ha ha!"

I felt sick. My anger had been overwhelmed by nauseating fear. The guys walking behind me were serious; they weren't joking around. And the people they were talking about were not criminals...they were ordinary people.

They started ruthlessly teasing the one guy who had been quiet and timid. They were harassing him about not posting a name on one of those sites. He didn't put up much of a fight against their teasing from the sounds of it.

_Will you just leave him alone? He's the only one who has a tad of sense out of you thre-_

"Hey! Isn't that her?" One of the guys yelled all of a sudden. The other two guys ceased talking and their footsteps stopped. I continued walking, believing they had run into some friend. Or perhaps a helpless victim for them to bother.

Unfortunately, their prey was yours truly.

"Hey, you! You know Light Yagami, right?"

I froze in my step. I clutched my book bag strap tightly, ready to bolt...just in case. I slowly and hesitantly turned my head.

Three teenage boys stood several steps behind me. One of the boys had no restraint whatsoever as he looked me up and down, a mischievous smirk on his face. One of the other boys stared at me indignantly and the last boy was fixing his school uniform tie, not paying any attention to me.

I recognized them. They were the boys who had followed Light home a couple of weeks ago. They weren't his friends, according to Light, yet they informally referred to him as if they were close.

And it appeared they recognized me as well from that same event when Light had left their conversation to walk with me home. They were now waiting for me to give them an answer.

"Uh...well, I..."

"You his girlfriend or something?" The excitable teenager asked, his roaming eyes not taking a break from his "inspection."

If someone else had asked such a question, I would have laughed, but I was uncomfortable around these guys. Especially after hearing their most recent conversation.

A somewhat comforting thought entered my head: _They must not hang around Light that much if they don't know if he has a girlfriend or not. Then again, Light has always been very private, even secretive, when he has dated a girl. If it wasn't for Sayu's prying and eavesdropping into her brother's love life, I doubt anyone in the family would know if Light was dating someone or not. Still though, Light said he didn't even know their names, so –_

"Hey, you going to answer us or what?" The gruff teenager barked.

_Your manners are atrocious! What right do you have to yell at me like that?_

"I'm his cousin," I politely replied, but I couldn't control the slight quiver in my voice.

The roughened teen didn't soften his voice when he spoke again. "Cousin, huh? So, do you know where he always rushes off to after school? We've been meaning to hang out with him some time, go to the arcade or something."

_I'm sure you're not the only group who's vying for his attention. However, I won't let you anywhere near my cousin. Not with your disgusting opinions and manners. He would never hang out with the likes of you anyways. _

"He heads straight home. He has studying to do," I proudly stated and couldn't help but let a small, satisfied smirk grace my face.

_That's right. My cousin has a lot more sense than you three to spend his time at the arcade. He has more important things to do, like preparing for his future. Something you three probably never think of doing._

The one teenager finally looked me in the eye. "Well, could you tell him that the trio from his homeroom class are hoping to hang out with him soon? He could take a break every once and awhile from studying you know."

_Like hell I'm going to tell Light that you three want to see him –_

"Sure, I'll let him know. Now if you don't mind, I have to get going," I softly replied and bowed as I hurried down the street, trying to look as composed and calm as possible. I heard one of the guys mutter something about stuck-up girls before they headed down another street. With them gone, I was left with my thoughts.

_Should I tell Light? I mean, I don't want to, but I don't want to keep secrets from him, especially when it concerns him directly. I highly doubt he'll hang out with them, but he didn't seem too bothered with their company last time. He probably just tolerates them because he's too nice to tell them off. That and I think their presence boosts his ego of being popular. But if I tell him of what they were saying about that broadcast, I'm sure he'll stay clear away from them. However, what if telling him about what they said encourages him to hang out with them more, in order to change the way they think? "How will bad people ever learn, ever change, Etsuko, if those who are right and honest don't show them that they are wrong?" That's what he had said during that particular walk home. And it's not like Light would share their thoughts and views if he hung out with them more. But, still. I don't want him hanging out with them!_

I angrily kicked a pebble down the street, disgusted with the boys and frustrated with my stupid internal ramblings. Why couldn't I ever just get through a situation without dissecting the heck out of it? Why couldn't things just have a plain, simple answer?

A small voice murmured in my head: _Things never are as straightforward as they seem. There's always another side to the coin. _

By the time I reached the front gate, I felt ready to head to bed, never mind having supper. Witnessing the spray paint on the university building seemed to have occurred ages ago. The day had been an unpleasant one to say the least.

**...**

I resolved that I would talk to Light after washing and putting the dishes away. I knew that I had to tell him about the boys. It wasn't any of my business to keep secrets from him.

I stacked the dishes and headed up the stairs with a steady, determined step. I came face to face with his firmly shut bedroom door. Lately, he had been keeping his door shut. Before, he would usually have it half-way open, in case someone needed something from him. It appeared as if his desire for privacy had increased over the past few days.

After knocking on his door, I heard the familiar sound of his chair rattling and the two steps that he took to open the door. However, the appearance of Light was anything but familiar. He appeared slightly frustrated and he tensely stood in the doorway, blocking any view of his room. The nightly news could be heard from his room, quietly buzzing in the background.

"Yes, Etsuko?" He pleasantly asked, but I could hear a slight tinge of annoyance in his voice. He was probably studying hard and was irritated that I had interrupted him. Why else was he so on edge?

"I'm sorry I interrupted you, but you know those boys who followed you home a couple of weeks ago?"

Light frowned for a second, but then answered, "Yes, what about them?"

"Well, I ran into them today and they wanted to hang out with you sometime. That's all."

Light blinked. "Oh, alright. Thanks for telling me."

Light began to close his door, but noticed that I wasn't leaving. He paused for a second and then lowered his voice, making it softer as he said, "Well, I have a lot of-"

"They were really saying awful things. About that broadcast and all. I-I'm sure you know which one I mean?" I quietly murmured the last part and looked down. I knew I was delaying him even more from getting back to his school work, but I had to warn him about those boys.

And I was hoping that he would reassure me. After witnessing that broadcast, I needed someone to tell me that things were going to be okay.

Light sighed softly and he crossed his arms as his eyes focused on the carpet. His eyes were glazed with a somewhat dazed expression, as if he was lost in a deep memory.

He spoke quietly, "Yeah, I know which broadcast you mean. It makes me sick just thinking about it."

We stood quietly for a couple of seconds, not looking at one another. The silence felt heavy with unspoken words and thoughts.

I hesitantly muttered, "I can't imagine the shock that that newscaster's family is going through right now."

"What were those boys saying exactly? Were they agreeing with what happened?" Light shifted uneasily as he gracefully changed the topic.

"They were pretty much saying that killing that news reporter was the right thing to do! And they were also putting people's names down that they knew on those websites!"

"I see." Light raised a hand to his chin and his brow creased in thought. His lips were drawn into a hard, fixed line. I wondered what he was thinking about, but didn't ask. Although he appeared less tense than a couple of minutes ago, his eyes still shone with a lingering presence of sternness.

He stood a bit straighter and his mouth relaxed into a half-frown. He stared for a second at my fidgeting fingers that were continuously tugging at my jean belt loop. He sighed and looked into my nervous eyes.

"Etsuko..." I internally cringed. I hated it when he said my name like that. It was the soft, coddling voice that one used with a small child who couldn't be consoled. It wasn't the voice that should have been used with a twenty year old young woman, however nervous she was.

I felt embarrassed that I relied so much on my younger cousin for reassurance. Then again, I always had thought that Light was more mature than me, could handle things in a more adult-like way. Better than the childish method of running away from problems that I utilized.

There was no one else I could rely on to the same degree anyways. Not in Tokyo at least.

I looked up into his eyes, secretly begging him to say something that would calm my fidgeting hands and nerves. Something that would clear that image of the news reporter away from my mind. Something that would extract all of the fear and confusion that had consumed my day.

He didn't disappoint me.

Light's eyes burned with an ardent determination as he firmly said, "Don't worry. Things are going to get better. You'll see."

The words he said sounded like an unspoken promise, as if he was swearing an oath right there and then in his bedroom doorway. As if his very words could guarantee that things were going to settle down.

If only that was possible...

He didn't attempt to cover up his eagerness to get back to his studying as soon as I thanked him for his encouraging words. I went to bed early that night, almost impatient to crawl under the covers and succumb to sleep. I closed my eyes with relief...the day was over and done with.

**...**

Things didn't get better though. And they certainly didn't settle down.

Kira soon became a household name. Instantly after his "formal introduction" on the live news, it appeared as if he had decided to become a long-standing guest in our country. The newspapers and evening news were overrun with his presence, displaying lists and pictures of dead criminals who had tasted his unforgiving justice. I only hoped that he wouldn't take up a permanent residence. Knowing that there was someone out there who could kill someone, _anyone_, just like that, frightened me immensely. It wasn't natural, it wasn't normal. It was unpredictable and surreal.

Still, during those first couple of weeks after Kira's existence had been proven, when I was alone, studying or lying awake in my bed at night, I considered how the crime rates had rapidly declined and how families that had been victimized finally experienced relief and closure. Maybe Kira couldn't be all bad? But then the face of that news reporter would flash past my inner eye and I remembered that Kira had murdered him, an innocent man, a man who may have had a family. Any miniscule respect that I had had towards Kira would then vanish. Days later though, the same thoughts would haunt me and I would toy with the thought of Kira kil – but then, I wouldn't dare go there. The conflicting opinions that swirled within my brain regarding Kira left me confused and frustrated. I decided to purposely forget it all. I consciously made up my mind to avoid thinking of him.

My effort to forget about such a brooding presence in society was foolish to say the least. I didn't last one day without being bombarded by his name spoken by people in class and in the streets. Very well then, I would think, I can't completely forget about him, but I can still avoid any recent developments surrounding him. I strived to become blissfully ignorant as much as possible concerning society's invisible judge.

Ignorance was harder to attain then I had thought. The To-Oh campus swarmed with students who were eager to intellectually discuss and debate the positive and negative consequences of Kira's presence and actions. Impatiently waiting for the professor to enter the classroom, I heard many snippets of conversations surrounding the economic and social repercussions that Kira had caused in the country. Professors refused to talk about him and the major influence he already had on people. Many students experienced an unquenchable desire to talk about him, which was only satisfied at underground discussion groups held in deserted classrooms or in the corners of dorm rooms.

Tadami had invited Fumiko and I to a few sessions that a friend of a friend of his held in the basement of one of the campus cafés. Of course, I declined the invitation. Even if I wanted to learn more about Kira, something didn't sit right with me about the secrecy of it all. If Kira was good for our society, then why were professors hesitant, not to mention downright scared, to talk about him? Why did students, who were unafraid to stand on their soapboxes regarding other controversial subjects, crowd in basements and behind closed doors to whisper and debate about him? Kira only claimed to punish criminals, so why were they worried to speak their minds about him? Or did we all secretly know deep down within us that speaking one wrong word against Kira could possibly do more damage than tainting one's reputation? People hadn't forgotten the news caster. People were scared for their safety, however fleeting and nonsensical such a worry seemed to many people.

Other people on the university campus, however, appeared to have no reservations about proclaiming their thoughts about Kira. The spray painted message on the wall was simply a foretaste of what was to come. As Kira's presence became better known, vandalism increased on the university campus, from more scrawled messages on the walls to broken office windows and car shields. One similarity followed the supposed "random" acts of vandalism: the damaged property always belonged to someone, either a student or professor, who had openly spoken out against Kira. Students whispered about secret campus clubs for Kira supporters where membership was based off of "helping Kira with his ideals." Not much thought was given to such rumours of secret Kira clubs until near the end of the month.

On the evening of December 22nd, a first-year biology student, who had posted a blog about the evildoings of Kira, was severely beaten up by five male students while he was walking towards his bike. He was hospitalized for three fractured ribs, along with multiple bruises and cuts. He had reported that he had had his bike tires slashed a couple of days before. The authorities were called in, but his description of the guys didn't prove to be fruitful. A week later, a third-year student was chased through one of the dorm courtyards by a group of males after coming home late from an off-campus party. She had managed to escape without being hurt. Her descriptions of the guys to the police were eerily, but not surprisingly, similar to the description the first-year student had given. It didn't go unnoticed that the third-year student had not been shy in sharing her anti-Kira views in class and on campus. The university attempted to keep the incidents of harassment out of the public ear, but both incidents were featured on the news (the names and pictures of the victims purposely removed).

A new feeling of fear and unsettlement hovered over the campus like a thin mist. The mysterious gang of guys who harassed fellow students for speaking out against Kira was all students seemed to talk about, much to my disgruntlement. It hadn't gone unnoticed by the student population that the two students who had been harassed were no longer on campus. Rumours spread that they had enrolled in other universities for protection, while other, more fantastical rumours told of how they were both now under a victim/witness protection program. People scoffed at such gossip, but there was always a sense of wonder if such rumours could be true. If followers of Kira could be so aggressive towards their opponents, than how much more violent could Kira be towards those individuals who had spoken so actively against him? Once again, I thought about the news reporter. Perhaps there was a need for further protection than simply a change in schools.

Auntie and uncle had worried about me staying late on campus to study, so I promised them that I would come home earlier than usual. But I wasn't worried for myself; I didn't breathe a word about Kira to anyone while I was at school, so there was no reason for me to be targeted by the "Kira gang."

I was more worried about Light and_ his_ safety.

It appeared as if the violent actions of the anonymous perpetrators at To-Oh had influenced some students at various high schools, including Light's school. High school students who were foolish enough to speak their minds about Kira in an unfashionable light were viciously getting bullied by other students. It appeared as if some high school students viewed the university tormentors as role models. Two boys at Light's school had already been suspended for beating up a kid who had called Kira "a psychopath." I found out through Juri's younger sister, who attended Light's school and sometimes walked with Juri, Fumiko, and I to the subway station, that one of the suspended boys was part of the trio of guys who I had ran into that day.

Gaining this piece of information fuelled my anxiety for Light. Ever since I had told him about my run in with those boys, he would walk home with them occasionally. I would see him surrounded by them as I waited at the corner, waiting for him to leave them and walk the rest of the way home with me. They didn't act hostile towards him and appeared as if they enjoyed blabbering away at him. As far as I could see, Light mainly appeared silent as he walked with them, attentively listening to them spout about Kira and the recent killings of criminals. In fact, he appeared comfortable and interested in what they were saying. As if he didn't mind that they praised Kira.

I would try to probe Light into telling me if they were bothering him or anything, since it was obvious that they supported Kira, and, of course, Light did not. But he would only shrug and say that he listened to them and they, in return, listened to him. I didn't question him further about what he meant by this, but I assumed that he was trying to convince them that supporting Kira was wrong. I tried to make Light promise me that he would tell someone if he began to be harassed at school or by the trio of boys, but he would laugh at my plea, as if it was some type of absurd request. He would reassure me that everything was okay and repeatedly said, "Don't worry, Etsuko. I can take care of myself. No one's going to bully a top honours student, even if I don't believe in Kira's ideals."

But I was only half convinced. Light's actions spoke louder than his words. Everything wasn't okay.

January not only signalled the New Year, but brought with it noticeable changes in my cousin.

Light had always cherished his privacy, but lately he had begun to crave more solitude than was normal of him. He appeared to develop a yearning for isolation. As soon as he came home he headed straight for his room, closed the door firmly shut, and would only emerge for dinner or to leave for cram school. Before, he would sometimes come down to the living room and read, or even make a trip to the kitchen to get a snack. Not anymore. Before, he would sometimes have soft music quietly playing from his radio, but now the only sounds that emerged from his room were the mumbling voices from the evening news. The rest of the time it was deafly silent. He would occasionally help Sayu with her homework, but refrained from doing anything else with her, much to her disappointment. He was a stranger to the rest of his house. His room had become a sort of sanctuary for him that he eagerly fled to after walking through the front door or leaving the dinner table.

But his desire for seclusion wasn't the only change.

Light was never fully with me anymore. He was never fully with anyone anymore. His eyes would glaze over at random moments and he would no longer be in the conversation, not fully at least. It was as if a passing thought had been journeying through his head when it suddenly decided to rest and embedded itself in his mind instead. It had burrowed its way into the very tissue of his brain and stubbornly refused to leave the warm mesh of Light's mind. Whatever the thought was, it appeared to be with him always, constantly lurking within his consciousness. I couldn't be with him without sensing it there, distracting him. I could hear it in his voice, which had developed a rehearsed, restricted undertone. I could feel it in the unbridled urgency that radiated from him as we quickly walked home, home to his room that had become his enclosed fortress. I could see it in his eyes, which would focus on something that wasn't there, something that was miles away, something that only existed in his mind's eye.

Sometimes he appeared to be able to successfully quell the thought when we were talking or walking home from school, but then, as if the thought had emerged from hibernation, he would suddenly have only one foot in the conversation and would be sternly distracted with whatever that thought was.

I had asked him once what he appeared to always be thinking so deeply about. He had simply replied that he was thinking about school, all the studying he had to do, and the preparations he had to make before the entrance exams and university. It was a believable answer, one that his parents and sister seemed willing to accept.

It was a reason that I was hesitant to accept, but I acknowledged it nonetheless.

In time, I planned on figuring out if schoolwork was the only reason why Light distanced himself, physically and mentally, from the people around him.

Recent developments regarding Kira may not have interested me, but any change in my family members, in my cousin, was one mystery that I was eager to solve.

**...**

"Mom, I see them pulling into the drive!"

I looked up from the bowls that I was setting on the table. Sayu was half-hidden by the curtains at the living room window, peering outside at the car that had just rolled into the driveway.

"Thank you, Sayu. Will you please answer the door?" Aunt Sachiko was hurriedly putting some last minute touches to the Hayashi rice. Her forehead was beaded with perspiration as she bent over the stove again. She had spent all day in the kitchen preparing dinner for our guest tonight.

Uncle had decided to invite a colleague over for dinner, since his subordinate did not have any family in Tokyo. When Sayu had asked uncle why he hadn't invited colleagues over before, Uncle Soichiro had sighed tiredly and answered that he sometimes needed a break from work, which included his subordinates.

"Etsuko, would you please tell Light that they're here?" Auntie attempted to quell the urgency in her voice, but I heard it loud and clear. I quickly finished setting the table and then dashed upstairs, narrowly missing a run in with Sayu as she eagerly bounced on the soles of her feet in the entranceway, waiting for her father and the guest to exit the car and arrive at the door.

I knocked loudly on Light's door, trying to overpower the evening news that droned on in his room. I heard the volume rapidly decrease. The doorknob jostled and Light appeared at the door. He displayed the straight, emotionless mask that he had been wearing lately every time I interrupted him. I would have embraced a tired, bored expression; anything besides that blank look.

"They're here." I could hear Sayu and auntie welcoming uncle and our guest downstairs, their voices softly sailing upstairs.

"Okay," Light replied, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. It instantly slipped away before I could return it and he lead the way downstairs.

"Studying hard?" I murmured before we entered the living room. He nodded noncommittally. I frowned a little at his aloofness. Light noticed my look and languidly looked down at my blouse and freshly ironed slacks. I studied my blouse, wondering if there was something out of place.

"You look nice, Etsuko," he softly said with a brief glimpse of a smile.

I was about to thank him, but his eyes and thoughts had already moved on to our guest who was sitting on the couch, smiling gratefully as auntie filled his cup with Sake. Sayu was sitting on a chair across from our guest, mirroring the polite smile that auntie wore. Uncle stood behind the couch, a cup of heated Sake in his hand. He noticed Light and I enter the room and stepped forward.

"Light, Etsuko. This is our guest and one of my colleagues, Officer Matsuda Touta."

Officer Matsuda Touta set his cup down and abruptly stood up from the couch, nearly spilling his drink as his knee collided with the corner of the table. The cup wavered slightly at the edge. I hid a smile as auntie breathed a sigh of relief; those Sake cups were a wedding gift from her grandmother.

After quickly massaging his knee, he smiled widely and bowed. Light and I followed suit.

"It's very nice to meet members of the Chief – I mean, Yagami family! Thank you for inviting me to your home." Uncle's colleague fumbled a bit on his words and his face grew flush. I wondered if he was a guest to many dinner parties. He seemed a bit out of place.

"This is my son, Yagami Light. I believe that you met him before on one of our cases last summer," uncle introduced.

Officer Matsuda's face lit up instantly. "Oh, of course! You helped us on that homicide case back in, um, back in-"

"July. Yes, I helped with analysing some of the evidence. It's nice to meet you again, Officer Matsuda." Light nodded his head slightly and smiled a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Oh, please, Matsuda is just fine. And it's nice meeting you again, too, Light." Matsuda sheepishly grinned and fidgeted slightly on the spot.

"And this is my niece, Yagami Etsuko. She's staying with us while she attends university." Uncle warmly set his hand on my shoulder. I smiled up at him. It was so nice that he was home for dinner. Over the past couple of weeks, he had maybe come home for supper only –

"Oh, is your father Officer Yagami Akio?" Matsuda suddenly spouted, his eyes wide and eagerly expectant.

I cursed myself for fumbling on my words, but I had been taken off guard by his exclamation. "Uh, ye-yes. If you don't mind me asking, how do you know my father?"

Matsuda happily explained. "He's the one who got me a position at the Tottori City Police Office. My father and your father were good college buddies, or at least that's what my dad has told me. I didn't, um, exactly know what to do after university, so your father helped me out by telling my dad, who then told me, about an assistant position at the local police office. After working there for some years, I decided that I wanted to be a fully fledged police officer! I studied, got my badge, and then was transferred here. I think your father had a hand in that as well, right, Chief?"

Uncle nodded, looking absently down at the contents in his cup. "Your father called me, Etsuko, about a new rookie police officer who needed some concrete experience in the field. Your father didn't have any positions open under his unit, but I did, so Matsuda moved here and joined the NPA's ranks."

I listened attentively as uncle spoke, picturing my dad eagerly phoning up Uncle Soirchiro about a new police officer who needed field experience. It didn't surprise me; dad was always doing stuff like that, phoning up his big brother to see if uncle needed any more officers in the big city to fight the big crime. My dad used to always say, rather jokingly, that "Tokyo was booming in crime," as if delinquency was a big-time business that always needed more supervisors overseeing it.

As I studied Officer Matsuda's slightly skewed tie and the faint crinkles under his eyes, I wondered if "overseeing" the "big business of crime" was giving him a hard time. But his eyes never ceased smiling and his laughter was contagious. I searched his light hearted tone of voice and the mirthful glimmer in his eye and could only find sincerity.

I smiled as he continued praising my dad for giving him a helping hand into the police force.

"Thank you very much, Officer Matsuda. I'm sure my father would be happy to hear that you've become so successful."

Matsuda blushed and chuckled sheepishly as he grabbed his cup and sipped nervously at his Sake. "Oh, well, I'm still just a rookie. But thank you, Etsuko."

"Dinner's ready. If you could please take your seats." Auntie beamed and gestured towards the table, her smile a mixture of pride and relief of getting supper on the table.

We took our seats. I learned that Matsuda's whole family lived on the outskirts of Tottori City and that his father was quite a prestigious dentist. He also had a younger sister who he spent a considerable time e-mailing back and forth. As I listened to his stories about his loved ones and home, I could tell how much he appreciated and missed his family. To my great relief, he didn't mention one thing about the Kira case, even though I'm sure he had been working on it all day with uncle and a bunch of other police officers. He was a cheerful, polite individual. I decided that he was a nice guy. Besides, if my father thought highly of him, then I was sure he was someone to be trusted. Most likely...

**...**

"So, is your father still working in the Homicide Investigation Department?"

I looked up from my cup of tea as Matsuda sat down across from me on the couch. Auntie was putting some last minute touches to the dessert, while uncle was busy talking on the phone at the table. A task force member or someone from the police had contacted him with something important right after dinner. Light was putting away some of the dinner dishes, but I could tell with the way he lingered by the table that he was curiously trying to piece together what uncle's phone call consisted of. Sayu was sitting beside me, absorbed in one of her teen magazines. She had grown tired of entertaining our guest with her junior high anecdotes. At the present moment, I was the unofficial "entertainer" for our guest.

I clenched my cup a little bit tighter and struggled to plant a smile on my face. "No. He's...he switched to being a dispatcher a couple of months ago."

Matsuda blinked, clearly baffled by my answer. He murmured softly before bringing his cup to his lips, "Oh. I see."

Sayu shifted her gaze briefly from her magazine to look at me. I ignored her lingering, cautious stare and sipped at my lukewarm tea. Matsuda shifted and awkwardly avoided my gaze, which wasn't hard to do since I was staring fixedly at my drink.

_I should have just said "yes." Sayu would have known that it was a lie, but she would have understood. Now it's just awkward. Some hostess I am._

Matsuda broke the uncomfortable silence by abruptly, but cheerfully, exclaiming, "I wonder why our dads never got both of our families together? We could have had a good time! My sister's around the same age as you; you two would've probably hit it off well."

He was still fiddling in his seat, desperate to lighten the atmosphere that he had accidently darkened with his previous question. I smiled timidly. His genuine effort to introduce a new topic was appreciated.

"Well, both my parents are pretty busy. We usually didn't have a lot of company over." That was half-true, but I wasn't going to go into the whole complexity of that particular issue with someone I had just met. "I presume your family is busy too, especially with your dad's private practice?"

"Yeah." He paused for a second and then said, "I think he's always considered his job his third child, ha ha," Matsuda laughed good naturedly, but there was a subtle hint of hurt mixed in with the cheer.

He downed the remaining bit of his Sake and his eyes roamed around the rest of the living room. They settled on a picture frame sitting a couple of shelves above the TV.

"Oh, is that your family?" The faint trace of hurt was instantly gone and was instead replaced with the outgoing cheerfulness that he had displayed all evening.

"Yes," I replied.

"Wow, you sure look a lot like your mom!" Matsuda exclaimed brightly, craning forward in his seat to get a better look at the photograph.

"I know. Everyone says so," I politely responded over the rim of my cup. From the straight, light brown hair to the bone structure in my cheeks and chin, I had inherited almost every feature of my mother's. And that was only counting the physical traits. Unbeknownst to most people, my mother's genetic make-up had not been the strongest influence on me.

Matsuda opened his mouth to say something else, when Sayu burst into the conversation.

"So, Matsuda, have you gotten any leads on the Kira case yet?" Sayu set her magazine down on the coffee table and eagerly leaned forward. I suppose she had grown tired of not being included in the conversation and decided to assume the role of hostess once again.

My posture grew rigid and I resisted the urge to groan. Of all things to start talking about...

Matsuda laughed nervously. "You're really interested in the Kira case, huh, Sayu? I guess your dad told you that he's in charge of the Kira investigation."

Oh, he sure did. It had only been a couple of days ago when uncle had sat us all down for a family meeting to tell us that he was in charge of the Kira case. As if that wasn't worrisome enough, he had gone on to tell us that several FBI agents who had been investigating Kira had been killed by society's new judge. I remember feeling the urge to just get up from the table and flee the room. Hearing uncle confidently tell us that Kira was going after anyone who was trying to stop him had confirmed the lingering fear that had been pestering me for weeks. Criminals were not the only ones he was willing to kill. Anyone who spoke out against him could possibly be in real danger.

Auntie, Sayu, and I had tried to convince uncle that he should consider his wellbeing and quit. But he was adamant in staying with the task force. I was frustrated with his answer. How could he just risk his life like that when he had a family at home who were worried about him, who depended on him? Did he care more about serving justice than his family? I knew that both were important, but I wanted him to choose us, instead of that stupid case. My hands had trembled slightly under the table and I had wondered if they shaking due to my fright or to my irritation.

Light hadn't made the situation any easier. He had completely supported uncle and had even sworn that he would hunt down Kira if anything happened to his father. His voice had been firm with unwavering commitment and determination. My frustration had crossed over from uncle to Light. Why couldn't he have tried to convince uncle along with auntie, Sayu, and I that what uncle was doing was dangerous and could potentially end in tragedy? For once I wasn't proud of the fierce sense of justice that both uncle and Light had: I was annoyed with it. I went to bed that night annoyed with them both and their decisions to fight Kira, instead of stepping away from it all.

Needless to say, I coped with uncle's declaration by hiding further in my bubble of ignorance and worry. Sayu coped by trying to gain as much information as she could about the Kira case; she felt more secure and in control when she was up-to-date with recent developments and such. Therefore, she took full advantage of Matsuda's presence to try to get some information out of him.

"Yes, he did. Have you gotten any leads on who Kira may be yet?" Sayu keenly asked. I was frustrated that she had brought up the Kira case, but as I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, that irritation subsided a bit. I could see the hope and worry reflected in her eyes and I sympathized with her; I suspected that she wanted Kira to be caught as bad as I did. She wanted her dad safe and sound, as did all of us.

"No, not yet, Sayu. We have gained some new information, but it's quite confidential, so..." Matsuda sadly smiled at Sayu as she leaned back against the couch, disappointed.

"I'm sure we'll get some new information soon. We have a really good team working on this case!" Matsuda's optimism was well accepted by Sayu, who shyly smiled. I appreciated his effort of lightening the mood as well.

"I presume you have the most dedicated officers on your team, right?" Light joined us on the couch and relaxed casually back into the cushions.

"Some of the best, in my opinion. They're willing to risk their lives after all to catch Kira. Although, I can understand why some members of the task force left," Matsuda answered.

_See! Matsuda understands why officers left the force. He, along with others, would understand if uncle left the case. Why can't Light and uncle consider that?_

Matsuda kept talking about the Kira case, leaving out any confidential details, while Light and Sayu listened. I saw that Matsuda was able to capture Sayu with whatever he was saying, but Light only appeared to be half listening. He would occasionally check his watch discreetly and would then shift in his seat. He was eager to leave and get back to his room. He nodded and listened, but didn't appear all that absorbed with the information Matsuda was talking about.

_As if he's already figured some of it out, whatever Matsuda's discussing..._

I politely excused myself from the conversation and joined Aunt Sachiko as she began to set up the dessert plates. Uncle was finally off the phone and had started making a new kettle of tea. I helped auntie set up the table, trying to block out the conversation that was occurring a couple of steps away from me in the living room.

"Can't stand listening to it as well?"

I looked up from the table and noticed Aunt Sachiko was smiling slightly, a sly twinkle in her eye. It was a look I very rarely saw from my aunt, except when she was trying to be sneaky or secretive.

"I know it's hard to block it out, especially with it being on the news and in the papers all the time. But you just have to focus hard on something else." Aunt Sachiko's smile slipped off of her face and her brow creased slightly. She continued looking down at the plates in her hands as she set the table.

I didn't have to ask her what she was talking about. I got the sense that we both felt like shipwrecked survivors in a lifeboat, floating in the middle of a threatening ocean. Everywhere we turned, there was nothing but dark water. What made it worse was that one of our own was bobbing in that black sea, struggling against the tide. And as much as we pleaded, they refused to come into the lifeboat, deciding to fight the lethal waves instead.

"Thank you, auntie," I softly whispered. She smiled in return.

We didn't say anything after that, enjoying the silence between us. Even if we were floating in that lifeboat, at least we weren't alone.

**...**

"...Your good looks are gonna go down the drain if you keep that up."

"It's a late night snack for studying."

I looked up as I closed the fridge door to see Light closing the cupboard, a bag of chips tucked under his arm. He started boiling some water for tea.

Sayu perched on the couch and leaned forward. "Hey, Light, are you, um, going to take any breaks from studying tonight?"

Usually I would try to explain to Sayu that Light had a lot of work to get done and that he just didn't have the time to do something with her. But recently, I was feeling sorry for my younger cousin. Light didn't do anything with her anymore, besides the occasional helping with homework.

"Sorry, Sayu. I have a lot of studying to do." Light avoided his sister's pleading gaze from across the room and got a mug from the cupboard.

"Oh...okay." Sayu instantly backed off, defeated.

I grabbed a dishcloth and began to wipe the counter down. As I began scrubbing the surface near Light, I leaned in close to him and murmured, "She misses doing stuff with you."

Light didn't move a muscle, remaining frozen and rigid. Only his eyes roamed over towards where I was standing and directly stared me in the eye. He pleasantly explained, "The entrance exams are very important, Etsuko. You know that."

I blinked and didn't break away from his piercing gaze. There had been something off with how he had said the last three words. It had been barely audible, but present nonetheless. It had sounded slightly like a reprimand. As if he was admonishing me for hinting that he should break away from his studies for a bit to spend some time with his sister.

_Did he just mildly scold me for hinting that he should give Sayu some of his time? He used to spend time with her before, even when he had exams to study for. Is that all he's doing in his room, studying? Why does he want to be alone so much now?_

I prevented my thoughts from being displayed on my face and smiled. "Of course."

Light nodded and poured the hot water into his mug. I had come across as understanding, but inside I was concerned and confused. A worrisome explanation for his recent craving for solitude presented itself to me, and it wasn't the first time that it had visited my thoughts. I pushed it aside.

Light left the kitchen with his mug of tea and chips and I was left alone with Sayu. She watched me clean the rest of the counter and her eyes followed me as I entered the living room. She shifted on the couch and stared at me, trying to get my attention.

"Yes, Sayu?"

"Etsuko, would, well, are you free to do something with me? Even just watching TV? I know that you don't like Hideki Ryuga, but we can find something else."

I sighed, knowing that I was going to have to disappoint her as well. "Sorry, Sayu, but I'm off to study with a friend, remember? We have a big test in a couple of days."

Sayu slouched into the cushions of the couch and picked at a hangnail on her finger. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

I was about to tell her that maybe tomorrow I could do something with her, when Aunt Sachiko entered the room, a concerned expression on her face.

"You're not going to study at the university, right?"

"No, auntie. She invited me over to her house instead. It's not too far from here," I reassured as I pulled my jacket on and made sure I had all my books and notes in my bag.

"Oh, good." Aunt Sachiko nodded. Ever since those two students had been harassed on campus, she didn't like me to be at the university at night. In fact, she didn't even want me to linger around school if I didn't need to be there. Two days ago, another student had been jumped behind one of the university buildings in broad daylight by an unknown group of students. His injuries were similar to the first student's and he was a suspected leader of an underground anti-Kira group on campus. Students doubted that he would be returning to school, but would "disappear" like the other two students had before him.

"I'll be home at nine." I announced as I swung the front door open. Before I headed out, I peaked my head back into the living room and looked at Sayu as she began to glumly flip through the TV channels.

"Sayu?"

She looked up, expectantly.

"We'll do something tomorrow, okay?"

She grinned from ear to ear. "Really?"

"For sure. I'll have a lot more time tomorrow."

**...**

I couldn't concentrate on the notes in front of me and I'm sure Fumiko had noticed. She kept giving me these confused, concerned looks that I purposely ignored. But finally she came out and asked me what was wrong.

"Etsuko, is everything alright?"

I tiredly looked up from my notes and glanced at Fumiko who was sitting cross-legged on her bed. She didn't have to wait long for my answer.

"Everything's fine, Fumiko."

"Are you sure? You seem to be really distracted tonight, which isn't like you at all. Usually you're so absorbed in your notes." Fumiko leaned forward, inches away from the small desk that I was sitting at.

"No, everything's alright. I'm just a little worried about this test, that's all." I purposely increased the pitch of my voice, attempting to make it sound cheerful and matter-of-fact.

Fumiko wasn't buying any of it. We may not have been super close, but she had hung around me long enough to sometimes see through my disguises.

I turned back to my notes. I heard her take a deep breath and slowly let it out.

"I know, Etsuko, that we didn't really know each other in high school and that even now we still don't know too much about each other. But we've attended some of the same classes and studied together for the past three years. I feel as if we've gained each other's trust, even a little bit. And, so, I just want to let you know that if you ever need to talk to someone about something that's bothering you, about anything, then I'm always willing to listen."

I could hear Fumiko's bed springs creak as she leaned back. The only other sound was the splash of water as her aunt washed the dishes down the hall in the kitchen. My highlighter hovered above my paper as I digested her words.

_Trust? Have we really gained each other's trust? Sure, maybe a bit. But to the point where I would actually tell her what's bothering me, what's been on my mind since I left the house? Is she telling me this because she's practicing her counselling skills on me, or is she truly being sincere?_

As I turned around in my seat and looked deeply into Fumiko's eyes, my answer was blaringly obvious. Fumiko was an open book. Her reassuring smile and gentle, non-judgemental eyes were inscribed with genuineness and honesty. I would later look upon that part of our evening as a defining moment in our friendship. I was willing to open up to Fumiko, was willing to give her a miniscule glimpse into who I was beyond the studious, quiet girl who she attended class and studied with. I was willing to take that risk, however nervous and unprepared I felt with doing it.

I would also later reflect on how that moment would lead into another defining event, one that was much more significant and nerve-wracking than my decision to finally offer Fumiko a little bit more of my trust.

"I...there is something, um..."

Fumiko tilted her head to the side, and smiled sadly. She could sense how hard it was for me to open up to her, however much I liked her and believed that she was being sincere.

"There is something bothering you, isn't there?" She gently coaxed.

I turned slightly to the side and fiddled with the highlighter in my hand. I didn't make eye contact with her. I breathed shakily out as I tried to get the words out. I tried to convince myself that I was going to feel better once I told her.

"I'm...I'm just worried about my cousin."

"Oh? Which one?" Fumiko scooted closer to me, but respectfully still gave me some space.

"Light. He's graduating from high school this year. And..."

I bit my lower lip, thinking of the right words to use. The words that would convey what I thought and felt. Fumiko patiently waited.

"And...he seems preoccupied lately."

From the corner of my eye I could see Fumiko frown a little, perhaps a tad confused. She waited a couple of seconds to see if I was finished talking and then spoke slowly.

"Well, if he's graduating from high school, I'm sure he would have a lot of things on his mind. Entrance exams, final exams, thoughts about university and courses. You remember, right? Everyone's always really stressed and preoccupied when-"

"But this is different," I interrupted, suddenly anxious and eager to get the words out.

The words came freely. After being shut away for weeks, they were desperate for their first breath of air.

"I've seen him preoccupied with school before, and that's just not it. Something else is on his mind, I just know it. The pressure of school never made him hide in his room for hours on end, or distance himself from his family, or become glazed over randomly in a conversation. He almost-" I stopped suddenly, and sadly looked down at my lap. I didn't dare look at Fumiko, nervous of what she was thinking.

I continued slowly, "He almost looks emotionless at times, as if he's not in the present moment but is far away somewhere else. I know my cousin well enough that he would not act that way simply because of school."

A couple of seconds passed by and then I chuckled dismally and added, "He's a top honours student. He doesn't need to be worried or stressed about school...and he knows it."

Before I could look up and study Fumiko's expression, she spoke, curiosity evident in her voice.

"What do you think he's preoccupied with then, if not school?"

I subconsciously tightened my grip around the highlighter and turned a fraction away from Fumiko, almost embarrassed to tell her what I was worried may be bothering Light. However untrue or unreasonable the worry may be, it had been stuck in my mind for weeks.

I always seemed to take my worry with a generous helping of irrationality.

I abruptly turned in my seat and faced Fumiko dead on. She stared at me with a surprised expression; she probably was shocked that I was actually speaking to her about a personal issue in my life. To be frank, I was shocked myself. But I just had to get the words out. It's amazing how motivating anxiety can be.

"You know that gang of guys who have been harassing students on campus?" I boldly asked.

"You mean those Kira followers who have taken their cause to support Kira a bit too far? Yeah, who doesn't know about those guys, whoever they are?" Fumiko shuddered slightly.

"Do you also remember Juri's younger sister telling us that some boys at her high school were "copying" those guys by ruthlessly bullying other students who were against Kira? That a boy was suspended for beating up a kid who was anti-Kira?" I spurred my words on, hastily trying to get to my point without chickening out and crawling back to my reclusive, hidden self.

"Uh, yes. Yes, I remember her telling us that. Why? What are you getting at?" Fumiko shook her head slightly, trying to understand and make connections with what I was talking about before.

I took a deep breath and quietly declared, "That boy who was suspended, along with some of his friends, hang out with Light." I paused for a second and then continued, "They walk home with him from school sometimes. They support Kira and my cousin does not."

Fumiko leaned back a bit and hesitantly muttered, "So, you're worried that because he's hanging out with them, he may be starting to agree with them on their opinions regarding Kira? You think your cousin is preoccupied with thoughts of becoming a Kira supporter?"

I blinked rapidly, lost for words at what Fumiko had just suggested. I quickly recovered from my surprise. I had to set Fumiko right.

"No, no! My cousin would _never_ support Kira. What I'm worried about is that those boys may be bothering him, harassing him even because of his views on Kira."

"Well, have you seen them bully him?"

"Well, no. They act decent towards him when I see them walking home, but they could just be acting that way because they see me in the distance waiting for Light. They probably worry that I would tell someone if I saw them bullying my cousin."

Fumiko shifted and rested her head on her knees, making herself more comfortable. "Why would he continue walking home with them if they do in fact bully him?"

I sighed, the weight of my worry bearing down on me more than it was before. Maybe talking it out didn't help. "That's the problem. Light doesn't back down from a challenge. He faces it head-on and doesn't give up until he accomplishes his goal. I imagine he's been trying to change these boys' minds about Kira, and that even if he was getting bullied by them, he would still stick to it. And overhearing what some of those boys said and did, I doubt that they would hesitate to harass even a top honours student like Light. They don't seem like the type of guys who have a lot of boundaries."

"Etsuko, you say you're close with your cousin, right? So, wouldn't he tell you if he was getting bullied?"

My reply was instant. I had asked myself the same question over the past few days. "No, he wouldn't. My cousin is very private when it comes to relationships and things like this. I imagine he would feel embarrassed and weak if he admitted that he was getting bullied, especially because he's never had this problem before."

I paused and picked at the cap on my highlighter.

"The fact is that he started acting...weird around the same time that he started walking home with those boys. I know I don't have any evidence or anything to base my worries on, but I can't think of what else could possibly be causing him to act the way he has recently. All secretive and distant."

I could guess at what Fumiko's next question was going to be and dreaded it.

"If you're so concerned and anxious about this idea of him being bothered by those boys, why don't you just tell him your worries? However unfounded you think they may be."

I scrunched the ends of my sleeves in my hands. "Because I'm worried what he may do."

"Huh? What do you mean?" Fumiko was baffled by my vague reply.

I may have been prepared and even willing to tell Fumiko a little about my worries, but I wasn't ready to tell her how I sometimes felt uneasy around Light recently. He usually hid his annoyance and impatience well whenever I interrupted him at his door, but I could still hear that irritation in his voice and see it flash behind his eyes at times. I didn't want to know what he would think or do, or even the look he would give me, if I proposed such an idea to him. He would think I was overbearing and irrational and foolish and—

"Etsuko?"

I realized that I had wandered off in my thoughts when Fumiko spoke. She was still waiting for clarification on my last answer.

"I've actually thought about telling my uncle about my worries instead." That was a lie, but I needed to change the course of the discussion. I began to ramble, not even really thinking what I was saying. Just to get Fumiko's attention away from my last reply. "I mean, I don't really want to bring it up, but. He and Light think the same about a lot of stuff and are close. Maybe he could ask Light if he's encountering any trouble. I mean, he's busy with his job so-"

"He's a police officer, right? Does he work in the Kira investigation?" My plan had worked to an extent, since Fumiko now seemed more curious about my uncle's role in the Kira case than my troubles.

"Um..well, he helps a bit with it," I mumbled.

"Wow," Fumiko softly exhaled and leaned back against the wall. She stared at the ceiling, lost in her own thoughts.

The sudden silence and change in conversation shocked me out of my worries for a brief second. Enough time to realize what I had just done. A massive light bulb exploded in my head, filling my mind with a frightening realization. I had spent the last couple of minutes talking about my troubles, about my personal life. I had never done that with someone before who wasn't family. Fumiko had been so attentive and willing to listen. I had been so anxious to finally tell someone about my worries, that I didn't even realize how I would feel afterwards.

I felt exposed and vulnerable.

I frantically back pedaled.

"Fumiko, I-I can't believe I just told you all of that! I'm sorry! We were supposed to be studying, not talking about me and my problem. Can we just forget it all? It really is nothing, really! I'll figure something out and-"

"Oh, but I've already figured something out. And I think it's a rather exciting solution."

I sat back in my chair and tilted my head to the side. "Um, pardon me?"

Fumiko sat fully up and looked me straight in the eye with an excited, thrill-seeking gaze. "Okay, you may think this is crazy, and maybe it is, but I think it'll get you out of this worrisome state in more ways than one."

I didn't like the tone of her voice. It was Fumiko's attempt at being sneaky. I could tell from the wild look in her eye that she had some type of trick up her sleeve.

"It's okay, Fumiko, really! I feel better just having talked to you about it. Besides, I'm probably wrong about it all! Really, it's okay!" I lied through my teeth to get Fumiko to back down from her plan, whatever it was.

But Fumiko was for once not listening to me. Whatever her plan was, it had taken her hostage and wouldn't let go no matter how much I pleaded.

She began to rummage through her purse and happily exclaimed as she pulled out a wallet-sized business card, "Yes! I knew that I had kept it!"

She beamed as she handed the card to me, that sneaky glimmer in her eye still present.

_What the heck is she so excited about? I don't understand –_

I looked down at the card and scrunched my eyebrows as I read what was printed on the card. Very soon I realized what it was and became even more confused and concerned.

It was one of those Kira tip-line cards that the police had begun distributing a couple of weeks ago. The card listed the Kira tip-line number that anyone could phone if they had any information on or concerns about Kira. The police had distributed a large quantity of the cards to university campuses, especially to To-Oh after news got out about the Kira-related student attacks. I had been shocked to learn that Sayu had one of the cards and that they had been dispensing them at schools as well. I remember Sayu confidently saying, _"No one knows who Kira is. What with the recent student attacks at To-Oh and even all this bullying in schools, maybe Kira is younger than everyone thinks...maybe he's a student?"_ Auntie and I had both scoffed at the idea. The cards were simply there in case students had concerns or wanted more information about Kira.

As I finished glancing at the phone number listed on the card, I turned back to Fumiko, expecting her to give me an explanation on what she was up to. She keenly waited for me to say something.

"Um...I...I don't think I understand what your plan is." I handed the card back to her. "Sorry, Fumiko."

Fumiko looked a tad disappointed but instantly perked back up. "That's okay, Etsuko! I came up with it in only a couple of seconds, but I think it may work. Maybe. And if not, it will be a good distraction for you."

Distraction? What was she talking about?

"Okay, you know how you said that you would like your uncle to discuss this anti-Kira bullying with Light? However, you personally didn't really want to bring up the topic to your uncle about talking to your cousin?" Fumiko had leaned in close to me and had lowered her voice, as if she was afraid of someone else hearing, even though there was no one else in the room except me.

"Y-yeah?" I looked at Fumiko gazing down at the card in her hand, a mischievous smirk planted on her face. A sudden, dreadful thought popped into my head.

"W-wait. You're not thinking of-"

"Let me finish, let me finish!" Fumiko giggled. I wondered if she was getting a high from her little plan. Fumiko wasn't used to being sneaky or mischievous. Conjuring up a little scheme, however crazy I was beginning to suspect that it was, must have been exhilarating for her.

"Okay, I know this may sound bizarre, but I'll phone the Kira tip-line, pretending to be a high school student. I'll express my worry and concern about some male students who have been bullying students who are against Kira. I'll ask if there's anything I can do, if there are any tips they can offer, blah, blah, blah. I'll mention which high school I attend, which will be the same one that your cousin goes to. Since your uncle is involved in the Kira case, he'll get wind of what type of concerns come through the tip-line, and he'll notice that Light's school was mentioned and that anti-Kira students are getting bullied. He'll get concerned about Light and will ask your cousin if he's been seeing any signs of bullying or have personally experienced harassment. This way, your uncle will get the chance to talk to your cousin without you being involved at all. We'll remain anonymous and you'll finally get your answer to whether your cousin is being bullied or not by those boys!"

Before completely freaking out on Fumiko, I instantly noticed a list of flaws in her "helpful" plan.

There was a chance that the officer on the other end of the line would ask for Fumiko's name, hence scraping the whole anonymous part of the plan. Although it wouldn't be my name being given, I doubted Fumiko would be happy with giving her name out to the authorities, especially since she would be directly lying to the police.

I also doubted that the police officer on the phone would take Fumiko's call seriously; how many people phoned the Kira tip-line just because they were experiencing bullying at school, even if it was Kira-related? Her call would probably be filed away as a prank, not having any serious light shed upon it.

Furthermore, I had purposely failed to tell Fumiko that uncle was the head of the Kira investigation, and therefore, most likely didn't have the time to inquire into each tip-line call. Other officers would be taking the calls and would only report to him any calls that were important and serious. Fumiko's call wouldn't be one of them.

In the end, uncle wouldn't find out about her call, wouldn't get concerned about Light, wouldn't talk to Light, and I'd be in the same situation that I currently found myself in.

Fumiko's plan _was_ bizarre and crazy. And I was about to let her know just exactly what I thought about it. In the most polite, gentle way that I could.

"Fumiko, y-you can't do that! It won't work, I know it won't! Just think about this for a second-"

"Etsuko, it's worth a try! Besides, even if it doesn't work, it'll be a good distraction for you from all this worrying. You yourself said that your worrying is probably unfounded, so what hurt could this do? Besides, we need a break from studying."

She wasn't listening to me. I was beginning to think that she wanted to go through with her scheme simply to have a little bit of mischievous fun. It should have been clear to her that I didn't want her "help" anymore.

"Fumiko, if you want to take a break, we can go for a walk down the street to the convenience store and get some Pocky. Or, or, um, we could even walk to my house and..."

Fumiko had fished her cell phone out of her pocket and flipped it open. She held the card in her other hand. I terribly regretted handing that card back to her.

She began dialling the number.

"Fumiko! Please, let's just-"

"Etsuko, I want to help you. Trust me, okay?" Fumiko finished dialling the number and held the phone to her ear.

_Trust? How can I trust you after this? Even if everything goes okay, how can I trust you when I clearly don't want you to do this?_

"Fumiko, plea-"

"Shh, it's ringing!" Fumiko bounced a bit on her feet, her excitement written all over her face.

I slinked further into the cushion of the chair, desperately wanting to curl in on myself and disappear. I began to nervously wring my hands, wishing that I was crushing Fumiko's cell phone instead. Maybe I could rip the cell phone from her hand quickly enough before she could grab it back.

_That's what I'll do. I'll just quietly get up and stand next to her and then –_

"Hello? Is this the official Kira tip-line?"

I froze in my seat. She was talking to the police. Her voice had undergone a transformation. It was high-pitched and overly sweet. I guess that's what Fumiko thought a high school girl sounded like.

My eyes were plastered on her face as she spoke again. "Yes, I have some concerns about some Kira-related bullying that's going on in my high school."

After a second, Fumiko stopped bouncing on her feet and frowned. She held the phone away from her ear and covered the mouth piece.

"He put me on hold for a second. He actually sounded quite bored and uninterested."

"That's because this isn't an important matter to be phoning the tip-line for! Fumiko, they'll probably just file it away without-"

"Hello? Yes, I'm still here." Fumiko had returned to her phone. "Um, the high school I attend?"

Fumiko shot me a frantic look, realizing that she hadn't asked me what high school Light attended. As I witnessed the panic in her eyes, I realized that I held control over the situation. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut and her plan would fail. She would hang up the phone and that would be the end to her stupid plan.

I shook my head slowly and motioned for her to hang up. Fumiko continued to search for words, stumbling and tripping on her words as she began to realize that she had lost control of the situation. Her plan had been very short-lived.

"Uh, well, I – of course, I know the name of my school, it's just, um. Well, you see – What? No, no! This isn't a prank at all! You see it's just that..."

I began to feel frantic all of a sudden. I stood up and repeatedly motioned for her to hang up before she said something that she would regret. She barely paid me any attention. Her eyes were fear-stricken; she finally fully realized how foolish her plan had been. She wasn't used to deceiving people. The high that her scheme had initially given her had worn off and now she was stumbling and rambling on without thinking.

I could see the defeat in her eyes and she softly sighed. She couldn't keep it up anymore.

Her words tumbled out of her mouth too fast for me to stop her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! The truth is that my friend here is really worried about her cousin being bullied and I thought I would help by calling the tip-line because her uncle works for the police. Officer Yagami, that's her uncle. His son, who she thinks is being bullied, has been acting funny lately and-"

My hand swiftly came down and swapped the air where Fumiko had been standing only a second ago. I had been trying to hit the phone from her grip, but she had been too fast and sidestepped me. I breathed heavily. Dread and anger blazed behind my eyes. Fumiko stood rooted to the spot, her eyes wide with confusion.

"Excuse me?"

My gaze was fixed intensely on her as she listened to the officer on the line. Her mouth was hanging open slightly and she didn't blink once. Whatever she was hearing on the other end of the line had stumped her and frozen her tongue.

Not knowing what was going on with the conversation worried me immensely.

_I can't believe she told that officer all that! How could she? If uncle finds out that I was involved in all this, he'll be so disappointed and embarrassed. I'm so weak! I should have yanked that phone from Fumiko as soon as she dialled that number, not caring what she would have thought of me if I had done it. Now I'm stupidly standing here guessing at what that officer is telling her. Is he reprimanding her for wasting the police's time? Is he waiting for Fumiko to give a response, but she's too embarrassed to say anything? Could he be getting uncle to come attend to the situation? What if-"_

"Yes. Yes, I understand. Yes, she'll come...Yes, I know how to get there. O-okay...goodbye."

Fumiko slowly lowered the phone and clicked the "End Call" button on her cell. She stared into space, dazed. I stood silent for a second before snapping her out of it.

"Fumiko? What is it? What did he say? You weren't speaking with my uncle, were you? Is he going to speak to my uncle about this?"

"No."

My irritation increased. "No? So he isn't going to talk to my uncle?"

"No. He wants to speak with us."

I abruptly stepped back. Fumiko finally looked at me. I could tell that she was telling the truth. She was incapable of lying at this point; she had been sucked dry of all deceit for one night.

"What do you mean he wants to speak to us? The police want to speak to us about wasting their time? Oh my gosh! Uncle is going to be so upset with me-"

"No, Etsuko. He wants to talk to us about your cousin."

I stepped back again, suddenly feeling uneasy on my feet.

"What are you talking about?"

"That officer said that he wants us both to go to the police headquarters right now. He said that they need to write up a report on every phone call they get from the tip-line." Fumiko paused and looked away for a second. "I guess he did find it an important matter. One worth documenting at least."

"And he wants us to go to police headquarters _right now_? Headquarters won't even be opened at this time of night." I was trying to keep my voice steady, but the last few minutes had seriously frazzled my nerves.

"He had briefly left me on hold again. I guess to talk to some higher ranking officer. He then returned and said that his superior wanted both of us to come to headquarters right away to give our...um, how did he put it? To give our statements regarding our concerns about your cousin."

I didn't know what to say. The police wanted to talk to us right away. Were they having that slow of a night that they were willing to have officers meet with us after hours? It all seemed so weird and out of the ordinary. Maybe because I was a relative of the Chief of the NPA? Was that why they were being so accommodating?

"He had sounded bored the whole time I was on the phone, until...until I mentioned your cousin. Weird, huh?"

Everything seemed weird all of a sudden. I felt queasy with unease. What caused a perfectly normal, peaceful evening to turn into such a surreal, aggravating situation?

As I glanced at Fumiko again, the answer to my question was overwhelmingly clear. The cause was literally standing right in front of me.

Fumiko saw me looking at her and flinched a bit when she saw my expression. I couldn't disguise my frustration and hurt. She had disappointed me.

_I finally gave you more of my trust and this is what you do with it? _

"Etsuko? I-I'm so sorry. I...I got carried away and didn't think any of it through and just thought that...I just wanted to help."

Fumiko turned her pleading eyes to me, searching for forgiveness behind the anger and hurt that clouded my eyes. I sighed and avoided her gaze.

_Now isn't the time...no matter how mad I am right now. No matter how much I feel like my trust has been betrayed. There are more urgent matters to attend to...more worrisome matters._

"Can we...can we just forget about it right now?" I muttered solemnly, still avoiding her gaze.

Fumiko nodded emphatically. "Of course. We can, um, talk about it later, if you want?"

That was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't think I would want to talk to Fumiko for quite a bit.

"I guess we better, um, get going, right?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah. I-I can use my aunt's car so we can get there faster." Fumiko already had her jacket in hand.

I nodded slowly and wordlessly tugged my own jacket on.

I followed Fumiko out of her room and outside to the car.

Before she put the key in the ignition, Fumiko turned to me and quietly murmured, "It'll be over before you know it."

I nodded, barely listening to what she was saying. I dreaded what was awaiting me at our destination.

_Worrying about that test is the least of my worries now..._

We drove the whole way there in silence.

**...**

I trembled as I stood in the front lobby of the NPA headquarters and nervously watched two police officers approach Fumiko and I. The whole drive to headquarters, I had been thinking about what I was going to say. By the time we had walked through the front doors, I had come to a firm decision, one that would prevent me from experiencing any more embarrassment than I already felt. One that would hopefully prevent uncle and Light from hearing about any of this.

I would sweetly lie the whole way through.

**...**

**A/N: Now that school is winding down for me, I'm hoping that I'll be able to have more time to write and get the next chapter out sooner than later. Fingers crossed. Always appreciate feedback! Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note. **

**A/N: I thought I would clarify something before you go ahead and read the chapter. In most places in Japan, addresses are based on city blocks, or city banchis, instead of on streets. Addresses would state the area of the city (or a prominent landmark, like a subway station, if giving directions) and then the number of the block. From there, each building on that block has its own number, similar to addresses in North America. You may be wondering why I'm telling you this, but it will make sense later on. Hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 4

"_As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men's minds more seriously than what they see."_

– _Julius Caesar_

**...**

The heavy footsteps of the two police officers were muted by my pounding heart beat that resonated within my ear. I tried to inconspicuously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans as they neared Fumiko and I, stern expressions on their faces as they stared straight at us.

A small part of me had hoped that Matsuda would be one of the police officers who would meet us. At least he would have been someone that I somewhat knew, and he probably would be friendly and cheerful, even with the seriousness of the matter. The two officers who were approaching us were definitely not cheerful and they didn't look too friendly.

One of them was on the shorter side and appeared to be quite young. Although his face was fixated in a stern, serious expression, the roundness in his cheeks and his evident youth made him less intimidating.

The other officer on the other hand was the very embodiment of intimidation and business. He towered over the other officer and was solidly built. Any boyish remnants were absent from his face. Instead it was chiselled with lines of stern commitment.

He was the first to speak when they both reached Fumiko and I.

"I am Officer Mogi Kanzo and this is Officer Ukita Hirokazu. We will be documenting your accounts."

They both bowed politely. Fumiko and I sneaked a quick glance at each other before we both bowed and introduced ourselves.

"I am Ibaraki Fumiko, the one who called the tip-line." Fumiko's voice was small and filled with shame. She barely made eye contact with the two officers.

"And I am, um, Yagami Etsuko. Um, I was there when the phone call was made," I quietly said, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

I noticed that the two officers both acknowledged Fumiko and I with slight nods of the head, but they both appeared to be more interested in me than in Fumiko. Both of their gazes lingered on me longer after my introduction than when Fumiko had introduced herself. They probably were thinking how disgraceful it was for the niece of the Chief of the NPA to have been involved in such an unnecessary and time-wasting occurrence.

Officer Mogi cleared his throat and spoke again in that deep, serious voice of his.

"Ibaraki, you will be assisted by Officer Ukita. Yagami, I will document your account."

"W-wait! We're being separated?" Fumiko shakily inquired, her shoulders noticeably become tense.

I struggled with swallowing back a glob of salvia that I had almost choked on. I hadn't been counting on them separating Fumiko and I. What could possibly be the reasoning behind that move? It wasn't like our accounts would clash. Fumiko was the only one after all who made the call; I technically wasn't involved with it, but had just sat there stupidly trying to get her to hang up.

All of a sudden I remembered why we were there. It wasn't because we had phoned the tip-line for an unnecessary reason. We were there because they wanted to hear about our concerns regarding Light. Isn't that what Fumiko had said the officer wanted to talk to us about? But if that was truly the case, separating us was even more of a waste of time.

_Fumiko doesn't even know Light, never mind having any concerns about him. What could she possibly have to tell these officers then? They aren't going to get anything out of her that is relevant. I, on the other hand, could voice my concerns, but there's no way in hell I'm doing that. Something about all of this still doesn't feel right. From calling us in after hours to even documenting the concerns I have about my cousin, it just seems so trivial and weird. How could my concerns regarding Light hold any importance to the police, especially the Kira investigation?_

"Yes. It's standard procedure," was the only explanation we got from Officer Mogi. He didn't grace us with any more details or clarification.

"Ibaraki, if you would please follow me," Officer Ukita motioned for Fumiko to follow him. Fumiko gave me one last look before she left me with the more intimidating of the two officers. I could tell that she was trying to be brave and confident with the dead-set look she gave me, but she was nervous, as was I. We were both two confused fish out of water.

Officer Mogi and I both followed after Officer Ukita and Fumiko. It wasn't long before Officer Ukita and Fumiko turned down another hallway and disappeared out of sight. I tried to steady my breathing as I followed after Officer Mogi, trying to concentrate on the design of his suit instead of his lofty height and firm build. I chided myself for being so nervous and intimidated around a police officer; I had grown up with police officers in the family. They were there to protect people. But as I followed him deeper into the depths of the NPA headquarters, I trembled with the knowledge that I wasn't there to be protected or reassured, but that I was there to be questioned. About Light. The very notion of why they were interested in such information still baffled me...and worried me.

Officer Mogi opened a door to a small room that looked like an unused office space. It contained a desk and two chairs sitting on opposite ends of the table. A water cooler sat in one of the corners and a clock hung on one of the walls. Upon further inspection, a small security camera was snugly positioned in one of the corners where the wall and ceiling met. The lens of the camera was aimed directly at the table.

Officer Mogi motioned for me to sit down, which I nervously did. After shutting the door, he calmly sat down at the other end of the table and opened a file folder that he had been holding the whole time. Inside were papers, none of which I could clearly read. He slid a pen out of his suit pocket and began to scribble a few things at the top of the page. All that I could make out from his writing was my name and the date. He was engrossed in his initial note taking, clearly dedicated with making sure everything was in place.

I looked at the clock. It was 8:35 pm. There was no way I was going to be home by nine. Was auntie going to worry? I was going to have to come up with an excuse as to why I was late coming home. There was no way I was going to tell her the truth.

I snuck a quick glance at the camera out of the corner of my eye. Its tiny red light was the only indication that it was on and recording. It was capturing my image, permanently holding my identity within its mechanical memory.

_What would uncle think if he saw the footage that that camera is recording right this second? Should I ask this officer if he's going to inform uncle about all of this? Would it look even worse if I asked him to refrain from telling uncle? _

Officer Mogi looked up from his notes. His pen was still clenched within his hands, ready to document. Document information that he was expecting me to share.

"I presume that Ibaraki informed you of why we asked you both to come here?" Officer Mogi's voice was calm and polite, but it wasn't relaxed or warm. He was there purely to get his work done as efficiently and effectively as he could. Although I'm sure it wasn't his intention, his focused determination to his work wasn't helping me to calm down or relax.

"Um, y-yes. She said that we were here to give statements about...about concerns we had. About my cousin." I clenched my hands tightly together, wincing as one of my nails scratched my finger.

"It's standard procedure to document the contents of any tip-line phone call we receive. Whatever the content may be."

_Even if it's completely unusable information? Completely irrelevant information? Then again, maybe the police _are_ actually interested in documenting and investigating the anti-Kira harassment that university and high school students have been experiencing. _

I was shaken out of my thoughts by the expectant look that Officer Mogi was directing straight towards me. I was momentarily confused by his silence, but then I realized that he was waiting for me to begin speaking. To begin telling him about my concerns.

"Uh, well you see, it's all just a mistake." The words naturally fumbled out of my mouth. I had planned what I was going to say on the drive to headquarters.

"A mistake?" Officer Mogi didn't sound sceptical or irritated with my answer. He simply asked for clarification.

"Yes. My friend, she, well she completely misinterpreted something I said and...it's just a mistake." I continued to look down at my folded hands, positive that if I merely looked at Officer Mogi the truth would come gushing out of my mouth.

"What did she misinterpret?"

My pulse began to painfully pound within my head, as if the veins in my temple were about to burst. Officer Mogi's silence unnerved me. He kept staring expectantly at me, waiting, waiting. I began to shake. It wasn't very noticeable, but I could feel my hands quiver and my foot began to softly tap nervously against the tiled floor. I thought I had everything planned when I was in the car, but now, finding myself seated directly across from a police officer, I had lost the ability to form words.

I stuttered out, barely audible, "It, it was a-a mist...it was a m-mistake."

I snuck a glance at Officer Mogi and saw that his brow was slightly creased. He must have realized that he wasn't getting anywhere with me. And yet he remained silent, as if he thought his silence could potentially unnerve me enough to loosen my tongue. But the only words that continued to circle within my head were the ones that I had muttered only a second ago.

After waiting in the uncomfortable silence for a bit, he finally asked, "Would you be able to clarify for me what you mean?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but my vocal chords had frozen up. I suddenly became aware of that camera and how it was watching me. Studying and scrutinizing me. I swallowed hard and tried to force myself to speak, but the words refused to travel outside of my mouth, nestling within my throat instead. The clock ticked on. Officer Mogi continued to wait for me to speak.

I finally managed to mumble, "I-I'm sorry for wasting the police's time, b-but...it was just a mistake! I-I'm sorr-"

My stumbling words were cut off by the piercing ring of Officer Mogi's cell phone. I almost leapt out of my seat. After Officer Mogi had checked who was phoning and had answered the call, I began to settle down once again. I began to read Officer Mogi's facial expressions to see if I could discover what was going on. It was something to do to distract me from the fluttering nervous feeling within the pit of my stomach and the pounding beat in my head.

At first Officer Mogi's face remained fixed in the serious, calm expression that he had been wearing since we had entered the room. Gradually, his countenance changed and he appeared to be momentarily confused before adapting a more disappointed expression. His thick eyebrows creased in concentration as he listened to the person on the other end, and the edge of his mouth turned down into a faint, half-frown.

"Understood," he calmly replied to the person on the phone and smoothly closed his phone. He turned towards me and began to gather his papers and slide them back into the file folder.

"Another officer will be arriving shortly to document your statement," Officer Mogi explained as he got up from his seat and pushed his chair in.

I was slightly confused as to why they were bringing in a different officer. Sure, I was being quite inarticulate and vague with my words, but I was sure that if Officer Mogi had spent enough time trying to stare the words out of me, I would have eventually cracked and given some adequate answer. I supposed that they were impatient to get the statement finished, it being after hours and all.

"O-okay. Do I still stay here?"

"Yes. The officer should be about 15 minutes." Officer Mogi slipped his cell phone into his pocket and opened the door. He turned to me before he left and politely added, "Thank you for your patience."

I numbly nodded and he closed the door on me.

I suddenly realized how much I felt trapped in that room. I knew that I wasn't a suspect or prisoner, but I wasn't expected to leave that room. Were they expecting the other officer to do a better job than Officer Mogi at getting an answer from me? But, wait. If that was the case, they would have had to have some way of knowing that Officer Mogi wasn't getting an answer from me, that he wasn't being successful in getting me to clarify.

I suddenly couldn't help the urge and twisted my head around to the security camera in the corner. Was someone watching from the camera? Had they been watching the encounter between me and Officer Mogi the whole time and had decided to call in another officer? Was the person watching the one who called Officer Mogi's cell phone?

I couldn't look into the camera's lens anymore. It felt uncomfortable, as if I had been staring into someone's eye for an indecent length of time. I swiftly turned around in my seat and tried to ignore the camera's scrutinizing gaze. However, all I could think about was it watching me. As if I was some intriguing specimen in a jar. I slightly shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and focus on something else.

I began to focus on listening to the steady ticks of the clock, which seemed to grow louder with each passing minute. I began to time my breathing so that each heart beat fell in time with the clock's ticking. I began to feel soothed, as if my heart and the clock were quietly murmuring to me with each continuous, stable beat, _"It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."_

Very soon though, I began to feel like I had been sitting in that room for hours, even though it had only been five minutes. My mind began to wander and it found itself doing what felt natural and familiar.

It began to worry.

I began to worry about what Fumiko was telling the police, how much Aunt Sachiko was going to worry about me not being home on time, what would happen if uncle found out about my little visit to headquarters, what the next police officer was going to be like, what I was going to say. The worries passed rapidly through my brain, as if they were racing down a long stretch of highway. Every so often, an especially troublesome worry would slow down and get stuck in my mind, as if it was caught in the middle of a traffic jam and couldn't move on.

Time moved slowly on. My heart began to beat wildly. My stomach rocked back and forth from one end of my body to the next. My foot began to tap uncontrollably on the floor again. The incessant ticking of the clock, the glaring stare of the camera, and the small, tight room were unnerving me. Waiting for the other officer was torturous. Time continued to barely move on.

I desperately wanted to leave.

_I don't know how much longer I can sit here. I just can't seem to relax. I just—_

I could hear footsteps down the hall. They stopped all of a sudden outside the door. There was a slight rattle with the door knob and the door opened to reveal the other police officer.

"Hello, Etsuko!"

Instantly my stomach settled and my heart beat slowed down. A breath that I didn't know I had been holding was released. I couldn't help but let a small smile grace my lips.

Matsuda stood in the doorway, eyes twinkling and a big smile on his face. His cheerful presence put me somewhat at ease, although I could still feel remnants of that nervous queasiness in the pit of my stomach. Matsuda wasn't here to chat away, but was intending to hear my statement.

"Sorry that you had to wait for so long. I had to drive all the way from the Matsuya and Ginza station near banchi 21 to get here, and you know how bad the traffic is down there, so it took a bit longer than I thought!"

"Oh, th-that's alright. It wasn't that long of a wait," I sputtered out, trying to sound good natured and relaxed. I failed pitiably. I sounded drained and nervous.

_It had felt like an eternity._

Matsuda cocked his head slightly to the side and frowned as he looked at my face.

"Are you alright, Etsuko? You look kind of pale," Matsuda gently asked, his voice laced with concern.

"O-oh, I'm fine. Really. Just, um, a bit tired from a long day, I guess." I looked away, embarrassed.

_Why do I always have to be some weakling that people have to be concerned over? Toughen up, Etsuko. _

Matsuda went over to the water cooler. I smiled gratefully as he set a cup of water in front of me. I sipped at the cool contents in the cup, relishing the feeling of the cold water trailing down my throat. Matsuda sat opposite me and opened a file folder similar to the one that Officer Mogi had had. From the way his face relaxed into a thoughtful gaze, I knew that he was preparing to get down to business.

"Well, if you're feeling up to it, we should probably get this over with." Matsuda pulled out a pen and shuffled in his seat, trying to get comfortable.

_As if I have a choice in the matter._

"Mogi didn't write too much down, just that you were saying that your friend misinterpreted something you said."

I set the empty cup down and sighed quietly. I couldn't keep delaying anymore. I had to eventually get home and I felt guilty for having Matsuda drive all the way to headquarters just because I wasn't giving a sufficient statement to the last officer. Besides, refusing to talk would be a sore way of repaying Matsuda for his humble endeavours of trying to make me feel better.

"To tell you the truth..." I hesitated and swallowed a couple of times, trying to gulp down my nervousness. Matsuda patiently waited for me to continue, a small, encouraging smile on his face. I couldn't help but smile a bit back.

"I am, um, was a bit worried about my cousin."

Matsuda nodded, silently indicating that he was listening and that I could continue. I nodded back in polite thankfulness and continued on, carefully forming and overseeing the words that exited my mouth.

"My cousin has been stressed about school lately, since he's graduating from high school this year. He's been thinking about exams and university, that type of stuff. It's a big transition, so it's understandable that he's feeling somewhat strained. I was just concerned that he was getting too stressed. It's really nothing. Every student goes through that high school pressure, right?"

I laughed nervously at the end, trying to convey that there wasn't a big issue. That everything was okay.

Matsuda looked up from his notes and smiled widely. "Makes sense to me. I remember when I was graduating from high school. There's a lot to think about around that time; it can get very overwhelming."

"Exactly! That's what Light is going through right now, or was going through." I nodded enthusiastically, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

_If only I was telling the truth and that was all Light was struggling with right now. Unfortunately, I think he's dealing with some things, or some people, that are bigger than high school worries. _

Matsuda's pen stopped writing and he kindly asked, "So, what did your friend misinterpret then?"

"Ah. Well, you see..."

I looked down at my hands that were sitting in my lap. I realized that I couldn't delay long in formulating an answer or else it would look unbelievable or suspicious.

Might as well just take the plunge and dive head first into the fabrication.

"I had mentioned a boy at Light's high school who had been suspended for anti-Kira bullying, and my friend, I don't know, she must have misinterpreted what I said or something like that. I think she thought that I was worried about Light getting, um, I don't know...teased or something like that by this boy and his friends." I paused to chuckle softly, as if the very idea I had just presented was ridiculous.

"She's curious into all of this Kira stuff. She wanted an excuse to phone the tip-line, just for the experience of it, and I guess she used this misinterpretation as the basis for her phone call. I didn't even know what she was doing until it was too late."

I wasn't even thinking if what I was saying matched up to what Fumiko had actually said on the phone. Truthfully, whatever Fumiko had said on the phone seemed to be a distant and muddled memory at that moment. I could only hope that my answer was going to be satisfactory for the police.

In the end, what did it really matter if it was adequate or not? Who cared if it didn't sound completely truthful? All they wanted to do was document the contents of the call and move on. It wasn't an investigation after all.

Still, the temptation was still there to ask Matsuda why the police were eager to receive such clarification and explanation. I could understand "standard procedure," but to this extent of calling in another officer just to get a better answer than the last one was able to?

Although the temptation was there, my desire to leave headquarters and flee all the way home was stronger than any other feeling I had at that moment. The last thing I was going to do was draw more attention to myself by asking why the police appeared to be so interested in such an unimportant matter.

_Standard procedure. It's just standard procedure. That's a good enough answer for me. Just please let me leave._

Matsuda paused in his writing and briefly looked up. "Well, I think I included everything you said. Anything else you wanted to add?"

For a brief second, I was convinced that he was going to ask me to clarify _even_ _more_. But I guess my answer was good enough.

I took a deep breath and answered hurriedly while breathing out, "I'm just very sorry for wasting the police's time with such an insignificant phone call. I just want to forget about all of this and pretend like it didn't happen."

I was hoping that Matsuda would get the hint that I didn't want anyone, namely Uncle Soichiro, to find out about the phone call and my "visit" to headquarters.

Matsuda apparently got wind of my hidden plea as he nodded firmly and said reassuringly, "All documentation like this is confidential."

_Hopefully that includes confidentially keeping this incident away from my uncle's knowledge._

Matsuda put the cap back on his pen and began to place the papers back in the folder. "Well, it looks like we're all done then! Oh, and no harm done. We get a lot worse phone calls than the one your friend made."

I broke out into a genuine smile and barely heard what Matsuda was saying. I tried to contain my excitement of being able to leave. I carefully and calmly stood up and waited patiently for Matsuda to make sure he had everything in order. It would have appeared rude and weird if I had bolted out of that room, however tempting it was.

Matsuda stood up and rummaged around in his jacket pocket, looking for something. He eventually pulled out a rumpled business card and handed it to me.

"I almost forgot. Here's the general police phone number if you need anything else. I'm sure your uncle has this number available at home, but I thought I would give you your own copy, just in case something else pops up."

I briefly glimpsed at the card, confused as to why I needed my own copy of the number. What were they expecting to pop up? I had given my statement; there was nothing else to say.

Actually, there was _everything_ to say.

We finally left the room. Matsuda walked me down the hallway to the front entrance. He must not have noticed how eager I was to get out of there, because he walked slowly down the hall, attempting to make small talk with me. That was the last thing I wanted to do. Matsuda was nice (so far at least), but the last thing I wanted to do was stand around in the NPA hallway chatting away.

I wanted, no, I _needed_ to get home.

I saw Fumiko sitting on one of the front entranceway benches, looking bored and tired. I wondered how long she had been waiting for me.

_Never mind. I wonder what she told the police._

I turned quickly around to give Matsuda a hurried 'goodbye,' when he cut me off before I had a chance to speak.

"Well, it was nice seeing you again, Etsuko." He smiled broadly, his hands casually stuffed in his pockets.

"Oh, yeah. It was nice seeing you again, too, Matsuda." I rushed through my words and bowed hastily before taking a few steps away from him. I abruptly stopped and hid a sigh of frustration as Matsuda spoke again.

"Say "hello" to your aunt and cousins for me."

_Listen, Matsuda, you're a nice guy and all, but I really just want to leave. Can't you see that?_

"Sure, of course. I'll tell them as soon as I get home." I began to walk away, hastily shaking my hand at him. His smile never faltered and he returned the gesture by wildly shaking his hand at me.

I had barely walked a few steps when I heard his cell phone ringing and him answering it. I looked quickly back behind my shoulder. Matsuda's face had undergone a drastic transformation. He appeared crestfallen and embarrassed, his head meekly bowed and his mouth drawn into a droopy frown. Whoever was talking to him apparently didn't have good news. The only snippets of conversation that I was able to catch were a few disjointed words that Matsuda sputtered out.

"I didn't want to pressure...scared...sounded...-vincing."

I frowned. I felt sorry that Matsuda had to contend with yet another problem. As he continued talking on the phone, I continued walking and shrugged to myself.

_Oh, well. A policeman's job is never done. Hopefully, he solves this next problem quickly. _

Fumiko stood up as she saw me approaching her. She offered me a miniscule smile, hopeful that I would return it. I placed a half smile on my face just to make Fumiko happy, but it took effort to plaster it on my face. I felt exhausted from the whole ordeal and was still not pleased with her and her actions that had disrupted my evening.

"Man, you were in there for a long time. And it looks like you had two police officers assist you?" Fumiko caught a glimpse of Matsuda, who was walking away down the hallway.

"Yes. Why? Did your statement take a short period of time?" I began to walk towards the front doors, Fumiko at my side. I was trying to sound casual, but I was intensely curious and concerned with what she had told the police. I shivered as the night air rushed to greet us as we exited the NPA headquarters.

"I was literally in there for a few minutes. I just told the officer that I didn't know your cousin, but that you were the one worried about him. I told him that I thought it was normal for you to be a bit concerned about your cousin, since Light is graduating and has those boys in his school."

"You didn't tell him that Light was getting bullied by them though, did you?" I nervously glanced at Fumiko.

"No. Since we don't know if he really is or not. Just that there's some anti-Kira bullying going on in his school." Fumiko paused for a second and fiddled with her purse strap. "I was going to tell the officer more about your worries regarding your cousin, like how you think he may be getting harassed and how he's been acting funny, but...well, I didn't think you would have wanted me to. I screwed up enough of your evening...I didn't want to disappoint you anymore."

I could hear the genuine apology in Fumiko's words and my anger towards her settled a bit.

"I told the officer that I had made up a story about your cousin and bullying, in order to phone the tip-line. That everything I said was false, even the part where I began to apologize to the police over the phone, in order to have a little bit of fun. I told him I hadn't been thinking. I told him that I called the tip-line more out of curiosity than out of concern for you." Fumiko lowered her voice during the last part and meekly looked away from me.

"And they didn't ask for more clarification? They were okay with that answer?"

"Yes, why wouldn't they be? Once they found out I didn't know your cousin and wasn't worried about him, they didn't seem that interested. I guess that's why they kept you longer; you would have had more to say," Fumiko absently commented as she fiddled in her purse for her keys as we approached the car. She turned back to me and said, "I'm sure they'll just stash away our statements, concluding that it was a prank call."

I didn't know what to say or what to think anymore. I couldn't make sense of what had just occurred and didn't even contain the willpower to worry about it anymore. The police were just being thorough, were just following standard procedure, were perhaps interested in documenting any potential anti-Kira bullying accounts.

Those were the only plausible explanations.

"Anyways, it's all over now and everything's settled," Fumiko comfortingly said as she unlocked the car doors.

My hand froze on the car door handle, momentarily unsure of what to do with itself. I looked back up at the front doors to the NPA headquarters building and had the urge for a brief second to run back through those doors, chase Matsuda down, and tell him the truth. I may have left that building with my dignity intact, but the sickening realization that I had thrown away the opportunity to confide in someone about my worries was strong and overbearing.

I drowned that realization with more rational insights.

_What would Matsuda have been able to do if I told him? Nothing. Or he might've told uncle and that's the last thing I want. No, it was best to just lie. And Fumiko did a pretty good job as well; I'm surprised she still had the willpower to lie after the whole phone call fiasco. It doesn't sound like our accounts clashed too much and it sounds like the police believed her as well._

However, as Fumiko silently drove me home, aware that I was not in the mood to talk, I couldn't help but feel disappointed with myself. I had lied to the police and I was still being haunted by that same concern for Light.

I recognized that there was only one way to find out if my worries were irrational or reasonable.

As Fumiko dropped me off at my house, I realized that, somewhere along that drive home, I had found the courage to confront Light with my worries.

**...**

"Etsuko? Is that you?"

I softly closed the front door behind me, trying desperately, but failing miserably, to ignore the concerned tone in my aunt's voice.

_I've worried her. And no wonder...I'm 45 minutes late from when I was supposed to be home._

Aunt Sachiko rounded the corner, a slightly worried, but also relieved expression on her face.

"Oh, good. It is you."

I dove head first into my apology.

"I'm so sorry, auntie. Fumiko and I got carried away with studying and then we began talking about other things, like school and other classmates and...I'm sorry. That's no excuse for not having phoned you to tell you I was going to be late," I finished lamely, head lowered in shame.

Aunt Sachiko sighed tiredly, but her face relaxed into an understanding smile. "I see. I remember when I used to study with friends of mine. We would get terribly off topic. Talking about friends, professors, boys."

Aunt Sachiko chuckled softly, a somewhat bashful look on her face. Her eyes lowered for a split second, remembering far away moments that had long faded into the past.

Moments that I had never experienced myself, but only lied to her about.

Auntie's nostalgia passed and she gently said, "Please try to call next time though, hmm? You know how I worry, dear."

"Of course, auntie. I'll definitely call next time," I promised as I slipped out of my jacket and headed towards the stairs.

_There probably won't be a next time. I think I prefer studying by myself._

I climbed the stairs slowly. I paused at the second last step. Light's door was just around the corner.

_Am I really going to do this? Yes, I have to. I made the decision when I stepped out of the car. It is time to put this to rest._

With a sharp intake of breath, I climbed the remaining stairs and rapped on Light's door. Over the last few weeks, I had stared at his closed door with hesitation and worry, waiting for him to answer my knock. Now, I stared down the light, wooden door with a firm determination and a deep concentration. It was the last remaining physical barrier to what I had to do.

Light appeared at the door. The now familiar elements of fatigue and impassivity styled his facial expression. The smile that he quickly planted on his face lacked any cheer or genuineness. It was simply there to cover up his impatience of being interrupted. Although the fake smile's presence almost persuaded me to leave, my resolve to speak with my cousin overpowered my feelings of uncertainty.

"Yes, Etsuko?" His pleasant voice barely hid the faint undertone of irritation. His eyes briefly glimpsed at the book bag slung across my shoulder. He raised an eyebrow questioningly.

I looked at my book bag strap and then quickly back to Light. "Oh, I just got home. I hope auntie wasn't too worried."

Light frowned and tilted his head to the side. His eyes narrowed with genuine confusion. I internally recoiled at his apparent puzzlement.

"I was at a friend's house studying for a test. I lost track of time and just got home," I explained, trying hard to not show how taken aback I was with Light's bafflement.

_It's not like him to forget things, even little things like this. He's more preoccupied than I thought. _

"Oh, of course." Light nodded absently and instantly got to the point with his next set of words. "Do you need anything?"

"Well, yes. I was wondering...I was wondering if I could come in for a minute." I firmly held onto my book bag strap, tightening my grip as I waited for his answer.

"Do you need help with homework?" Light asked good naturedly, but he failed to hide the soft, exasperated sigh that escaped his lips at the end of his question.

"No. No, I don't. I need to speak with you about..." I tightened my grip on the bag and my knuckles turned white. I unflinchingly looked into Light's eyes.

_Just get it out! Just say it!_

"...About something that's been on my mind lately."

I faintly heard the sound of my cousin's spine cracking as he rigidly straightened his posture. His fingers slowly clenched and unclenched at his sides. His eyes focused unwaveringly on me, silently trying to read what thoughts lay behind my concerned eyes. I recognized his body language from various other occasions, particularly when I had attended some of his more demanding tennis matches.

He was getting ready for a challenge. He was sizing up his competition: Me.

_Surely I didn't sound intimidating? I just want to talk to him. _

"Sure, come on in," Light smiled politely and opened his bedroom door further to welcome me into his room. As soon as I heard the door click as it closed shut, I felt that there was no turning back. I had taken the leap and now I had to swim. I had to get the words out or else I was just going to sink and would never be able to resurface to confront Light again.

I sat my book bag at my feet as I sat down across from Light. His school books were strewn across his desk beside his empty tea mug. The crumpled chip bag was nestled at the top of his garbage can.

Light noticed me looking at his trash and laughed softly before saying, "Sorry. I finished them a couple of hours ago. Are you hungry?"

He got up as if to go downstairs to bring up another bag of chips, but I instantly replied, "No, it's alright! I'll eat something later."

_No more distractions. Just get on with it._

Light slowly sat back down and patiently waited for me to speak. He rested his hands in his lap and leaned back in his chair. He was trying to act casual, but I could tell by his unwavering stare that he was anything but relaxed. He was eagerly waiting for an explanation.

I lowered my gaze to my hands that sat limply in my lap and slowly breathed in.

"I'm probably going to speak fast because I just need to get it out and say it, alright?" I mumbled quickly, my eyes remaining fixed on my hands.

There was a second of silence. Light simply replied, "Go on."

His softly spoken prompt pushed me over the edge and I began to speak.

"Light, you've been, well, you've been acting sort of strange lately. Over the last few weeks to be precise."

I waited for him to reply, but he remained silent. The soft mechanical humming from his computer was the only sound in the room. I didn't dare look up at him. I continued on.

"You've been distancing yourself from everyone by spending so much time in your room. The only times I ever see you are when we sometimes walk home from school together and at the dinner table. I know that you have a lot of school work to focus on, but..but you never isolated yourself like this before."

I shifted slightly in my seat and shakily breathed in again, my eagerness slowly building as my words quickly tumbled out of my mouth.

"And you've been sort of, um, well, preoccupied with something. Like whenever I talk to you, you always seem to have something else on your mind. As if...as if you're only half-listening," I sadly finished, almost feeling ashamed at the claims that I was making regarding my cousin.

Light continued to remain perfectly silent.

"At first I thought it was just school. That the stress of graduating and preparing for university was just getting to you. But I know you better than that to know that school wouldn't stress you out to the point where you've been acting the way you have been. I think..."

I paused and stared fixedly at one of my fingernails. I tried to find the exact words I wanted to speak.

"I think something else has been causing you stress. And the only thing I can think of is...are those boys that you walk home with almost every day. Those boys who are so pro-Kira and who...and who have been known, or at least one of them has been known, to harass anti-Kira students. I haven't failed to notice that you started to act...strange at the same time that they started to hang around you."

I wondered what Light was thinking. I listened to his steady breathing and wondered if any of what I had just said surprised him. Had he been expecting me to notice his unusual behaviour and confront him on it? Or was he simply trying to disguise his surprise?

I lowered my head further as I finished with one last sentence. "I've been...concerned that they might be...might be, um...bothering you and that's why you've been acting the way...the way you have been lately."

If I had thought that voicing my worries to Light was going to be the hardest part of the confrontation, I was wrong. Waiting for Light to respond was the most gruelling part.

I continued to avoid his gaze and waited for him to speak. A few seconds went by in silence before he sighed heavily. I refrained from looking up, but I could hear the emotion behind his sigh. It was not burdened with irritation or impatience, like I had been expecting, but with a somewhat defeated sadness. I slightly panicked for a second; Light never displayed defeat. I looked up.

I was shocked by his appearance. His hands lay loosely in his lap, palms upward and fingers unclenched. His head was slightly bowed and his fringe hung limply in front of his face, covering part of his eyes. His mouth was curved into a dismal frown. And his eyes openly demonstrated an emotion that I rarely ever saw displayed by my cousin: sorrow.

He shifted in his chair a little, angling his face slightly to the side so that I could only see a side profile of his face. Was he facing away from me because he didn't want me to see how vulnerable he looked? There was no doubt about it. I had never seen my cousin look so emotionally exposed before.

It was a shock, since the past few weeks he had been so emotionally vague and unreadable. It was like a light switch had been flicked on, and in an instant he had gone from borderline expressionless, to bare-faced distress.

My mouth opened and closed as I frantically tried to come up with something to say. Something that would console him. But he saved me from trying to come up with the appropriate words by speaking himself.

"You've caught me, Etsuko," he darkly chuckled, all the while avoiding my confused gaze.

Light continued slowly in the same sombre tone of voice, "You're more observant than I thought you were. It really shouldn't come as a surprise though. You've always been very astute with reading people...even when they don't want to be read."

Light looked up and stared deeply into my eyes. I was overwhelmed by the mixture of emotions swirling behind his eyes: concern, disappointment, relief. The most prevalent emotion though was a deep sadness. Light displayed the emotions with such openness that I almost questioned what I was observing. He never demonstrated emotions as honestly as he was doing at that moment. It wasn't like him at all.

It was difficult to perceive, but another feeling was also churning away behind his irises. It was barely noticeable, but I observed it nonetheless and became even more concerned and confused as I recognized what it was.

It was rage.

I wasn't able to concentrate on it for long though, because Light continued speaking.

"You're right that school has been keeping me preoccupied and overwhelmed." Light paused for a second and faintly smiled. "The entrance exam prep is more strenuous than I thought."

His smile instantly faltered and he slowly continued, "But you're also right about those boys."

He slowly breathed in and discreetly tilted his face further towards one side of his room. He didn't make eye contact.

"As soon as those guys started to walk home with me, I realized what staunch Kira followers they were. And how fiercely opposed and...unfriendly they are towards students who are against Kira. I listened to them, deeply disturbed by their views and actions. I couldn't believe that classmates of mine could think and do such things."

Light paused, his brow crinkling with concern and his frown becoming even more pronounced with sadness.

"You know me though, Etsuko. I couldn't just be silent. I wasn't about to give up on them and let them believe that Kira was some kind...I don't know, some kind of 'saviour.'" Light vehemently spat out the word "saviour," as if it was tainted by sharing the same sentence with Kira's name.

I muttered timidly, "So, you've tried talking to them? Have tried to change their minds on Kira?"

Light nodded firmly, shifting his head a fraction upwards, his eyes aimed towards the ceiling. "I've tried to reach out to them, have tried to convince them of the evils of Kira. But they haven't turned from their pro-Kira views. Not yet at least."

Light sighed heavily and brushed the hair away from his eyes. His pupils were visibly coloured with heavy, dark hues of disappointment and unease. I softly gasped at his display of such exposed emotion.

It wasn't like him at all...at all.

"I have been worrying about them and have been preoccupied with trying to figure out how to reach out to them effectively. Combined with the commitments I have towards school, I have been...busy and, therefore, seem to be distant, as you put it."

There it was. I had my answer. My answer as to why he had been acting the way he had been recently: He was busy with completing school work and eagerly trying to convert Kira supporters. It was what I had suspected, and now I knew for sure.

But I wasn't completely satisfied. There was one more crucial concern weighing on my mind.

As if Light could read my mind (or maybe he was just reading my openly exposed face that had worry written all over it), he attempted to answer my silent question of whether those students were treating him decently or not.

"Don't worry, Etsuko...I can handle them." Light broke eye contact and looked away towards a corner of his room.

There it was...an answer. Sort of. But I didn't feel any relief.

His elusive answer was completely overshadowed by his actions. His constrained tone of voice and diverted gaze answered my question loud and clear.

And the answer was anything but comforting. Because it wasn't an answer.

It was a lie.

Light was lying to me. All it took was the shifted eye contact, the restricted tone of voice, the fidgeting in his chair for me to recognize that he wasn't being truthful regarding the boys' treatment towards him. I knew that it was the only part of his account that he would feel compelled to lie about. Light would feel embarrassed and weak if he confessed that he was being bullied, or even if he was simply being bothered, by his fellow students. And so he lied, saying that he could "handle them."

_He's being bullied by them. I just know it. And he's denying it straight to my face. _

I had wondered why he had been so uncharacteristically willing to discuss a somewhat more sensitive and personal issue in his life, why he had allowed his emotions to be so exposed, and now I thought I knew why. Perhaps he had thought that by demonstrating eagerness to discuss and explain his recent unusual behaviour, he had hoped that I would be satisfied and would accept the restrained answer he had just offered me. That I would be content with the earlier details he had so emotionally and eagerly offered, without prying further about the boys and their treatment towards him.

_Maybe he has been lying to me this whole time. No, that doesn't make sense. Why would he do that? All I know is that he's not telling me the truth, not telling me the whole story about those boys. And he doesn't want to worry me. Sorry, Light. But you've already worried me. You're continuing to worry me._

As I studied Light's face as he began to talk about the entrance exam for To-Oh University, I began to detect only one thing in his overly pleasant voice, in his shifting eyes, and from his unsettled being.

It was the suffocating presence of intense secrecy. A deeply tucked away secret that he was desperately trying to hide. And the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if it was just the boys' treatment that he was hiding and lying about, or if there was something more. Something even more dreadful and harmful that was hurting him.

_Not only are those boys bullying him (you still don't know for sure -), but there could be something more. Something more. _

I felt a shiver plunge down my spine and I sucked in a shaky breath. I suddenly felt like my mind had wandered out into open water, where dangerous thoughts and ideas lurked. My concern for Light had ventured out too far and now I trembled with the thought of something more plaguing my cousin. What that was I had no idea, but the very suggestion of _something more _made me feel slightly nauseous and light headed.

_I was wrong...talking to Light has only opened up a new worrying possibility. The possibility of there being _something more_. _ _Those boys may only be the tip of the iceberg of what he's hiding, of what he's lying about._

"Etsuko? Are you alright?"

My eyes focused on Light. He was staring at me, looking slightly concerned. I realized that I hadn't been listening to him. I tried to wrack my mind of what he had been talking about, but my mind drew a blank.

"I...um, yeah, I'm-"

"You haven't been listening to me," Light softly interrupted, a sad smile on his face.

I looked down and shook my head. Light got up from his seat and began sorting things on his desk.

"That's alright. I'm sure you've had a long day and are tired. I understand," Light remarked patiently, but I knew what he really meant by his words.

_In other words, you want me to leave your room, right? You've given me an answer, made small talk that I haven't listened to, and am now ready to dismiss me. Fine. You're right. I am tired. But there's one more thing I need to say to you before I depart for my room to worry the night away._

"Light?"

My cousin turned away from his desk and faced me. I slowly breathed out as I slung my bag across my shoulder and made an effort to stare into his eyes, to not break eye contact.

"You know that you can tell me anything, right? Anything at all. That if something, or someone, is bothering you, you can tell me and I won't judge you at all. That I'm here for you, just like you've been there for me in the past. You know that, right?"

For a moment, Light remained frozen, his face expressionless and his body rigid, as if he was uncertain on how he should react to my statement. The next moment though, he had plastered a confident smirk on his face and his eyes shone with reassurance. He placed his hands on my shoulders.

His voice was soft and comforting as he spoke. "Of course, Etsu. I know that I can tell you anything. I know I can trust you. But everything's alright. Really."

He sounded genuine. He looked sincere. I should have been able to believe him. But all I could think about was the lie he told me, the secret that he was keeping from me. Something that he couldn't even tell me, his trusted cousin. Something that was still churning endlessly behind his eyes, that was burning away in his mind. Something. Something more.

I left Light's room and returned to my own. I sunk down on my bed, feeling heavy with exhaustion and sore with anxiety. My eyes skimmed over the tiny cracks in the ceiling as I fiddled with my book bag zipper. My eyes tried to find a pattern with the flaws in the plaster, while my mind tried to find reason within the conversation I had just had with Light. I struggled to determine if I had been more concerned going into the conversation, or if I was currently more worried after encountering him.

I rolled over in bed and hugged my pillow. My stomach flipped-flopped and my head pounded. The confusion and anxiety continuously and viciously swirled within me, straining my stomach and head. If I didn't release those feelings somehow, they would overflow and I would...

I sat up and began to unpack my book bag. I had thought that talking would have solved things, would have settled my worries. I had tried with Fumiko and that had led to trouble and embarrassment. I had tried with Light and that had led to more worry and confusion. Talking just didn't work.

_But keeping it inside is killing me as well. It hurts and it's nauseating and it will just keep building and building until..._

I heavily sighed and rubbed my right temple, trying to reduce the minor headache I had that was rapidly becoming a massive one.

Another thought struck me. Talking hadn't worked so far, but perhaps I had just not found the right person yet to talk to.

The NPA general phone line card slipped past my fingers as I unloaded my textbooks onto my desk. I bent to pick it up from the floor, briefly gazing at the number listed on the card.

_Talk to the police? You had your chance and it's not like they could have done anything. Besides, your worries aren't big and substantial enough for the police. And you know it. _

I snorted softly and tossed the card into my garbage can. I flopped back down on my bed and stared outside my window.

_I need someone who I can trust, but who isn't really involved in this whole situation. Someone who will listen and won't judge the concerns I have. Someone who I may be able to pressure into keeping what I say confidential and won't tell anyone. Someone who isn't intimidating and –_

I sat up abruptly, remnants of words I had heard only about an hour ago suddenly becoming blaringly present in my memory.

"**Matsuya and Ginza station. Banchi 21."**

"**Are you alright, Etsuko?"**

"**All...this is confidential."**

"**...just in case something else pops up."**

I left my room, padded down the hallway, entered the kitchen, and got an apple out of the fruit bowl on the counter. I munched on it as I leaned against the counter, a mixture of thoughts swirling within my mind.

I tossed the apple core away and slowly made my way back to my room, feeling as if I needed to have things settled by the time I reached my bedroom door.

I entered my room and plunked myself down in my desk chair. I took out a pencil and paper. I got ready to write. I hesitated. I placed the pencil back. I took it back and was poised to write. I hesitated again and then returned the pencil and paper and pushed in my chair.

I got ready for bed, all the while the same thoughts (and plans) spinning and spinning within my head.

_This is crazy. It won't work. But maybe it will. Doesn't have to be formal. Really short and casual. This is crazy. It won't work. But maybe it will. Maybe it will._

I turned off the light and crawled under the covers. I lay there, awake and alert. Thinking and debating. Feeling stupid and hopeful. Feeling worried and relieved. Wondering and questioning.

I would sleep on it. Only morning would tell if I was going to go through with it or not. Only going through with it would tell me if I was heading for a satisfying end or a disastrous beginning.

**...**

**A/N: So, I know that I said that L would be featured in this chapter, but I had to cut this chapter short in order for me to get it done in time before I leave for my trip. I am off to England for three weeks (maybe I'll hunt down Wammy's House lol) and haven't started on the next chapter yet, so my next update may take quite a bit. I do have the next chapter all plotted out though, so hopefully that will make writing it easier. As always, I would love to hear your feedback, especially since this chapter was pretty difficult to write (for whatever reason). **


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Yikes! Sorry for the long length of time between updates. A combination of reasons are behind the wait, but I won't bore you with any of them. I simply hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 5

"_Boldness is a mask for fear." – John Dryden_

**...**

I recalled a memory of Light and I sitting in a park in Tokyo. Our sisters were running around barefoot as our parents enjoyed the shade under a massive cherry blossom tree. Summer holidays were coming to an end. My family had decided to visit before school began again. I was about to enter my last year of secondary school. Light was still sitting comfortably in middle school. Light and I sat on the hill, gazing down at the walkway that ran parallel to the creek. It was late afternoon and already the cicadas were buzzing in the trees. We lazily watched as two teenage boys dangerously rode their skateboards along the walkway railings.

"One of them is going to get hurt," I commented softly as one of the boys prepared to do a trick on the railing.

Light slowly breathed out as he leaned back in the grass, the soft breeze ruffling his hair out of his eyes. He chuckled as he picked at a blade of grass, "We'll see."

I smothered the giggle that had made its way up my throat. I didn't want to embarrass my cousin by laughing at his cracked voice. At fourteen he was the tallest boy in his class, but his voice had yet to fully mature. He noticed my quivering lips as I tried to hide my amused smile and playfully tossed a handful of grass towards me.

"What's so funny, Etsuko?" He smirked, curious to be let in on the joke. I disciplined my face and shook my head slightly.

"It's nothing. I just noticed how sunburnt you got today." I knew it wasn't the best lie, since Light would still feel embarrassed with me mentioning the patches of pink and red that blotted his cheeks and forehead, but it was better than mentioning his prepubescent voice.

Light self-consciously brushed his fringe across the reddened skin of his forehead and directed a withering look my way.

He snorted softly, "At least it'll turn into a tan. I'm not going to return to school all white and pasty like you." He mischievously smirked my way, feeling like he had regained his pride with his snarky comment.

I wracked my brain for an equally snarky retort, when the relatively peaceful silence was broken by one of the teenage skateboarders crashing to the ground. Light and I watched as his friend ran over to him and they inspected his busted up knees together.

I leaned back in the grass and shook my head. "Pftt, I told you so. They're crazy to be acting so recklessly like that."

Light quickly shot me a sideways glance before returning his eyes on the now retreating skateboarders. His brief silence was a sign that he was preparing to say something. I patiently waited, knowing that there was no point in interrupting his silent musings.

"Just because they were being stupid, doesn't make them crazy. Craziness has nothing to do with stupidity."

I ordered my eyes to remain focused on the water, instead of having them relax and roll upwards and around. I had made a simple comment, but Light took it seriously. He could do small talk when he needed to be polite, but most of the time he disregarded it and would think up a serious, reflective comment instead. He did so in order to challenge those around him and, thus, to potentially make others feel stupid, while making himself appear superior. I humoured his actions, believing that his boyish desire to "one-up" others would pass as he grew older.

I rubbed the petal of a fallen cherry blossom between my thumb and middle finger and good naturedly asked, "Care to explain what you mean by that, cousin?"

Light leaned forward and crossed his arms on top of his bent knees. He continued to stare forward and shrugged.

"Stupidity is the absence of reason and rational thought. Those two guys obviously weren't thinking sensibly and suffered the consequences of their stupidity. But one can be completely rational and even highly knowledgeable, but still be considered crazy."

I decided to humour him a tad more. "Oh?"

"Think about it. There are tons of criminals out there who have planned their crimes perfectly, with more thought and precision than most people have used in their whole lifetime at their jobs and in their daily lives. They don't call some criminals "masterminds" for nothing. They're not stupid, but they sure are crazy, no doubt about it."

"Well, of course they are. Anyone who hurts or kills other people has to be crazy."

Light turned a fraction towards me and watched me twirl the flower petal between my two fingers for half a second. When he spoke next, his voice was soft and rigidly confident.

"Craziness has nothing to do with hurting people, Etsuko." He paused and the corners of his lips twitched slightly. "It has everything to do with social norms."

I quietly sighed and lightly laughed. "Light, it's the end of the day and it's hot out. You really want to have a big discussion about-"

"Craziness has everything to do with breaking social norms. In our society, you're considered crazy if you kill someone. But in past societies, it was completely normal. Take the Aztecs, for example. They used to brutally kill people and offer them up as human sacrifices, and it was considered perfectly ordinary. People are only crazy when society says they are."

I blinked and studied Light's face. It was calm and peaceful, almost as if he was coming to terms with something.

"Stupidity has always been the same thing: Making a fool out of oneself. I have no sympathy for people who don't think clearly and rationally. But people who are labelled crazy...well, sometimes they may be the ones on the right track, but society just hasn't caught up with them yet."

A silence hovered over us. I heard my sister calling Sayu to see something by the water. Our parents' chatter was barely noticeable as the breeze rustled the trees. I became uncomfortable in the silence and cleared my throat as I leaned completely down in the grass.

"Just don't go all "Aztec" on me and begin performing human sacrifices or anything. Okay?" I softly laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

Light chuckled and copied me, lying down in the grass. "Don't worry. I happen to believe in our societal norms, that killing and hurting people is wrong."

Although I didn't know I had been holding my breath, it felt good to release it as I laughed. "Glad to hear it."

**...**

That memory of sitting in the park a few years ago resurfaced and planted itself at the front of my mind as I got ready for school. It was the morning after Fumiko and I had been at the NPA Headquarters building and the memory of Light's words that late summer afternoon had helped me made up my mind.

_I've rationally and clearly thought this over, and I'm ready to go through with it. I'm not being stupid. I'm not. _

I left early that morning, rushing through breakfast before anyone else had entered the kitchen. As I studied an on-line city map in one of the public computer labs at school, my plan continued to spiral and churn throughout my head. As I tried to concentrate in class, endless thoughts rotated around and around in my mind.

"_Hello Matsuda. It's Etsuko Yagami, Soichiro Yagami's niece. I was wondering if you had a moment to, um, discuss something. It's nothing really, it's just you had mentioned if anything popped up that I could..."_

"_It's not like it's anything serious or anything, um. Just if you had any ideas or advice on..."_

"_I'm sure you've heard and encountered cases of anti-Kira bullying. I was, um, wondering if you had any tips on how to prevent it. Not for me! Um, for a friend though..."_

I bolted out of class, past Fumiko's curious expression, and down the long hallways and out into the sun. I hurriedly sidestepped lingering students in the campus courtyards and exited To-Oh University. The same thoughts accompanied me as I rode the subway to my destination.

I nibbled on my lower lip as a new thought entered the current of thoughts winding throughout my brain.

_I'll be home on time. As long as I catch the next train and walk fast, I'll be fine. The actual encounter, if it happens today at all, will only take a couple of minutes at most (that's all I'll allow), and then I'll be on my way. Catch the express train and I'll be home before dinner is on the table. I'll be home on time. _

As I exited the Matsuya-Ginza subway station, I ignored the rush-hour crowd of people who swarmed the sidewalks, all of them eager to get home from work. I almost tripped on my feet as I spun around to read the characters on the signpost: **Marunouchi, Chiyoda – Banchi 21**.

I was here. Well, somewhat. My eyes slowly roamed the perimeter of the block and all of the office and apartment buildings that lined the street I stood on. The high-class Niwa Hotel towered towards the end of the block. I counted six apartment buildings nearby. I sighed.

_Well, I might as well begin somewhere. It's not a huge block anyways, so hopefully I'll find the right building soon. _

The first apartment building proved to be fruitless; the name "Matsuda" was not listed under the apartment building address inventory posted beside the front door. I continued to the next complex, ever mindful of the time.

The next two apartment buildings presented no results as well.

_He must live in one of these buildings. He had mentioned that he had driven from Banchi 21 near the Matsuya-Ginza station to get to headquarters, so that must mean he lives in one of these apartments. That would make sense. It had been after hours when Matsuda had been phoned to come down to the station to gather my statement, so he must have been driving from home to HQ. It's just a matter of time before I see his name listed at one of these apartments and then all I'll have to do is –_

As I neared another apartment building, my eyebrows raised up as I glanced at the sleek design and expensive polishing on the exterior of the complex.

_For a rookie police officer, he sure can afford high-cost accommodations. _

I grumbled quietly to myself as I found no "Matsuda" listed at the next apartment building as well. I checked my watch, growing slightly worried as I realized I didn't have a whole lot of time left before I had to head back to the subway station to get home. I glanced further down the street at some of the smaller apartment blocks. Maybe those were going to be my best bet.

My gamble didn't pay off. All of them turned up empty of any "Matsuda's." I breathed heavily, feeling hot and sticky from dashing from apartment building to apartment building in the late afternoon sun. I cursed my heavy book bag as it fell from my shoulder for the umpteenth time. I mindlessly looked around at my surroundings, feeling slightly disoriented in the unfamiliar part of the city and more than frustrated at not being able to come up with Matsuda's apartment building.

_It was a pretty farfetched plan to begin with. There was no way to know what time he would get home, especially with him being on the Kira case. And even then, I probably would just freak out before I could go up to him and say –_

I did a double take that was so strenuous on my neck that I flinched slightly. As I gently massaged my strained neck, I squinted into the near distance where a familiar looking figure was standing. I took a few steps forward and craned my neck and vision as far as they would go.

I couldn't believe my luck when I realized that it was the person I was looking for. Standing only a few side streets away from me. Oblivious that I was walking towards him to meet him where he stood.

It was indeed Matsuda. Just like I had expected, I found him not far away from the Matsuya-Ginza station in Banchi 21, like he had mentioned yesterday evening. What I had not expected was the type of building he was preparing to enter as I speedily walked towards him.

As I neared closer, I saw that he was paying a taxi that had dropped him off at the main entrance to the Niwa Hotel. Curiously, he was struggling to pay the taxi driver due to the overwhelming amount of grocery bags he was trying to balance in his arms. I could see him struggling to get his wallet out to pay the impatient driver. Apart from his apparent awkwardness with trying to pay the driver, he also appeared quite impatient to get inside the hotel. He kept peering inside the front doors and then quickly glancing around at his surroundings. As if he didn't want someone to see him standing there.

It was quite curious and odd.

_What is he doing outside one of the most expensive hotels in Tokyo? Maybe there's some sort of police conference going on? No, he's too busy with the Kira case; I doubt the NPA would be sending their officers to a conference when they're in the middle of finding leads. And why does he appear to be so uncomfortable remaining outside?_

For a split second, I almost turned right around to head back to the subway station. Matsuda looked like he had his hands full (literally and figuratively), and didn't need some relative of a fellow police officer showing up out of the blue to ask for advice.

But then the more rational part of my brain piped in. I had come all the way to a part of the city that I hardly ever traversed in order to talk to him. To talk to someone who seemed trusting and kind, and who had even offered to be available if "anything popped up." This was my chance to ask him, a police officer, for advice on how to prevent anti-Kira bullying. Advice that could potentially help Light in his encounters with those boys. Advice that could help put an end to both Light's troubles and my worries.

_I missed my chance yesterday evening to ask him. I'm not going to ruin this opportunity. _

I picked up the pace as Matsuda finally got his wallet out and paid the disgruntled taxi driver. As the taxi sped away, Matsuda shifted the bags in his arms and began to walk towards the entrance. I probably would have missed him if he hadn't dropped some items from one of the bags and stooped to pick them up. It was the perfect opportunity for me and I seized it.

"Let me help you with those." I crouched beside Matsuda and gathered a few items off the pavement. He looked up and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh, tha – wait, Etsuko Yagami? What are you doing here?"

I smiled shyly (and awkwardly) as we both stood up and looked at one another. My explanation for my unexpected presence had not been too difficult to come up with in my head, but it was difficult to actually get the words out straight when Matsuda was standing in front of me.

"Um, well, you see, I was just in the area and, um..." My stuttering ceased as I looked down at the grocery items in my arms. It was the first chance I really got a good look at them, and I was somewhat befuddled at what I saw.

_These are the types of groceries that a grown man buys...?_

In my arms were two boxes of children's chocolate animal crackers and a jumbo bag of gummy candies. As I glanced at the fallen groceries that Matsuda had picked up, I noticed a somewhat crushed container of assorted pastries and several boxes of strawberry Pocky. Matsuda noticed my confused expression as I stared at his choice of groceries and blushed with embarrassment.

"Ah, I, um, I have quite the sweet tooth. Ha ha. I was just bringing these groceries home. That's all," he nervously tittered and looked behind his back at his surroundings.

Before I could speak, he quickly added, "So, um, I wish I could talk, Etsuko, but I really have to run. It was nice, um, bumping into you and thanks for helping me with the groceries..."

Matsuda took the groceries from my arms and kept talking to me, but his words fell on deaf ears. I realized that he was preparing to leave. All I could think about was that I was going to lose the chance to speak with him. All my planning would be for nothing.

_You can't let him leave after you finally tracked him down. You have to delay him somehow._

"...Say "hi" to your aunt and cousins for me and maybe we'll bump into each other another time."

I jolted out of my thoughts as I realized Matsuda had finished talking and had begun to turn around to leave. I stuttered out a quiet "goodbye," all the while trying to put some order to my thoughts.

_Just say, "Matsuda, can I talk to you for a second? It won't be long. It's just that I need some advice for a friend on how to stop bullying. Anti-Kira bullying to be exact. That's all." Come on! Hurry up before he enters the hotel!_

I tripped over my feet as I stumbled forward and called, "Matsuda!"

Matsuda stopped and turned around to face me, a curious expression on his face. Even though he had appeared to be in a hurry to get into the hotel, and also had appeared to be uncomfortable standing outside, he didn't show any traces of impatience or frustration with me calling him back. He just waited calmly for me to speak.

"I...um...I was just wondering if – you see, I have something to-"

_What's wrong with you? You've rehearsed all this a million times already! You have to do this! You have to do this for Light! He needs you! Light needs your help and –_

"Light needs help!"

_Etsuko, you IDIOT!_

My mouth unattractively remained hanging open as I stood frozen on the spot. My book bag fell again from my shoulder, but I didn't bend to pick it up. I could care less at that moment. I had just uttered the very word, the very name, I swore early that morning I would not say when I came across Matsuda. Light. I had mentioned Light's name and now I was, to put it frankly, screwed.

Matsuda blinked a few times as he registered what I had just said. He took a few steps towards me and quietly said, "What did you say? Light needs help?"

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and clenched my hands firmly to my sides. Yep, he had heard what I had said. There was no taking it back.

I hesitated, but then sighed deeply, knowing that it was useless to pretend.

"...Y-yes. He does. Th-that's why I came here." I paused and looked into his eyes. His evident concern and genuine interest loosened my tongue even more. "He's not in any immediate danger or anything, but I'm...I'm w-worried about him."

The concern in Matsuda's eyes morphed into something else. All of a sudden, it seemed like he had become aware of something very important and his eyes darted rapidly back and forth across the pavement. He gently bit on his lower lip, thinking hard. Almost as if he was planning something.

Matsuda's eyes darted back to me and he lowered his voice slightly, as if he was mentioning something confidential. "So, Light, your cousin, needs help? It's something, um, serious?"

My brow crinkled in confusion. I couldn't understand what part of my statement had puzzled Matsuda. I nodded numbly.

"_**He wants to talk to us about your cousin...sounded bored the whole time I was on the phone , until...until I mentioned your cousin. Weird, huh?"**_

With difficulty, I swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat as I recalled the words Fumiko had spoken the night before after she had hung up with the police. The police had seemed interested in my cousin the previous evening, and now it appeared that Matsuda was interested in hearing more about my concerns regarding Light. The police's sudden fascination with my cousin left me with a sickening feeling inside the pit of my stomach. Something just didn't seem right with it.

"Well, then, uh, I think, well, I think I can make some time to, um, hear your concerns about...about Light."

My mouth snapped closed only to be reopened as I stuttered out, "R-really? You'll listen to what I have to say?"

Matsuda nodded enthusiastically, but his eyes were tinted with nervousness. "Yes. I just have to, um, drop these groceries off first." Matsuda nodded towards the hotel entrance.

My eyes spared the hotel a quick glance before turning back, baffled, to Matsuda. "Oh, so you're staying at this hotel?"

"Y-yes. My, um, my..." Matsuda shifted uneasily on the spot and stared fixedly at his black dress shoes. He cleared his throat nervously and continued, "My apartment building is infested right now with, um...with cockroaches! A-and my landlord offered accommodation for his tenants while the, um, the exterminator is getting rid of the bugs."

As I looked at the expensive exterior of the hotel, I couldn't help but think: _Pretty generous landlord._

As if Matsuda could read my thoughts he urgently added, "U-uh my landlord is pretty well off and, um, h-he...likes me. I'm his best tenant, he always says. Ha ha." Matsuda quickly changed the topic. "Anyways, I'll just run these groceries upstairs and then we can go talk."

"Oh, you mean we're going to go somewhere else? I thought, I mean..." I glanced quickly at my watch and was startled to see the time. I hardly had enough time before I had to head home. If Matsuda wanted to take me somewhere else to talk (probably the NPA Headquarters), there was no way I was going to get home on time. And I didn't want to have to come up with some false explanation as to why I was late coming home. I wasn't going to lie to auntie two nights in a row.

Matsuda was waiting for me to continue, which I shakily did. "I-it's just that, uh, I have to get home very soon and, if we, um, go somewhere else and..." I dreaded the words that were going to exit my mouth, but I knew I had to say them in order to be polite. And maybe they would work in my favour. "Since I don't have much time, maybe another time would work-"

"Ah, no! Don't leave! I mean, um..." Matsuda's head spun around to once more give the hotel a nervous glance before spinning back to face me. He looked more apprehensive than he had looked before, but he quietly mumbled, as if he had come to some sort of sombre conclusion, "Al-alright. You can, um, come sit in the lobby."

I had the urge to ask Matsuda what was wrong, since he seemed very hesitant in having me follow him into the hotel, but I squelched that impulse and answered instead, "Okay. S-sounds good."

Matsuda nodded hurriedly and led me through the front doors of the hotel. Once again I was astonished that his landlord would set him up with a room at the Niwa Hotel; the lobby alone was quite the expensive sight to see. With as much grace as he could manage with his arms full of groceries, Matsuda motioned towards a couch for me to sit on. I perched on the edge of the sofa and folded my hands in my lap.

"I'll just, uh, quickly run these bags upstairs and then I'll be, um...right back," Matsuda murmured and, without waiting for me to respond, he walked straight towards the elevator.

I watched him awkwardly press the "up" button with his elbow and noticed how he continuously bounced nervously on the soles of his feet. He looked back at me once, as if making sure that I was still there and hadn't run away, before he slipped into the elevator and disappeared from my site.

I watched as the elevator ascended without stopping to the 16th floor. It stopped there and then gradually descended back down.

_He has a room on the top floor? Isn't that where the suites usually are? He must make quite the impression on his landlord...or they must be very big cockroaches. _

Minutes passed. All I could do was wait. Wait and figure out exactly how I was going to phrase what I wanted to say. Now that Matsuda knew that the issue involved Light, there was the possibility that he would tell uncle about the trouble Light was in. And possibly tell uncle that I was the one who had supplied the information about Light.

I was so caught up brainstorming and worrying about how I would handle the conversation with Matsuda that I almost forgot about the time. With dread I looked down at my watch and internally freaked out. I had literally five minutes to sprint back to the subway station and catch my ride home! There was no way I was going to be able to have my talk with Matsuda and also make it home on time.

The front entrance to the hotel suddenly looked very inviting. I regretted the thought of cancelling my conversation with Matsuda, but a small part of me, which was increasingly getting bigger, rejoiced in the idea of not having to go through with it. I wasn't prepared (was I ever?), especially now that I had mentioned Light's name.

My mind began to race dangerously fast. Matsuda would probably tell uncle everything. I would get in trouble about the night before. Light would find out and would be upset and hurt that I had told someone else, practically a stranger, about his problems with those boys. He would never trust me again.

No. It wasn't a matter of not having the time to go through with it anymore. It was a matter of downright refusing to go through with it.

_I don't, I can't, do this. Stupid Etsuko. Couldn't you have just kept your big mouth shut? It would be a huge mistake to go through with it now. All I have to do is..._

My eyes darted to the elevator. My knees bobbed up and down in anticipation of my next move. I drew a quick, shallow breath in. Pushing the thought of just leaving the hotel aside, I quickly left my seat on the couch, walked towards the elevator, and jabbed the "up" button. As the elevator doors opened, I looked swiftly behind my shoulder at the entrance.

_I just want to leave, but it would be incredibly rude of me to not inform Matsuda that I'm leaving. Especially after he's made the time to listen to me. I just need to be as quick as possible._

I entered the elevator. My destination was signalled by the familiar "ding" echoing from the elevator speakers as it opened its doors to the 16th floor. The lavishly decorated walls stretched before me as I hesitantly exited the elevator and stared at the surrounding doors. Fortunately, there weren't too many rooms, since the entire floor was probably taken up by only a few suites. All I had to do was find the right door to knock on.

My book bag strap became my life support; I gripped it tightly as I slowly padded down the hallway. I eyed the doors intensely, as if staring at the room number would supply the answer to whether Matsuda was behind the door or not.

Halfway down the hall, one of the doors flew open and I collided with the occupant who rushed out. After gaining my bearings after almost being knocked down, I realized with relief that it was Matsuda.

Matsuda was not relieved at all at seeing me outside his hotel room door. His face was firmly set in an expression of dread and anxiety. His hand remained rigidly fixed on the door handle, the door remaining a quarter of the way open as he stood still and stared at me. His whole being was frozen stiff, except his voice, which stuttered and trembled as he spoke.

"E-Etsuko!" Matsuda exclaimed, but then he quickly lowered his voice as he shot a nervous look inside his room. "W-w-what are you d-doing here, Etsuko? I-I thought I said to wait in the lobby and I-I would come ba-ack down a-a-after I-"

I couldn't stand there and listen to him stutter for minutes on end. I had to sprint out of there and catch my ride home. I had to be rude and interrupt.

"I'm sorry, Matsuda, but I have to leave right now. I don't have time-"

Matsuda's hand swiftly left the door handle and firmly clamped down on my shoulder. The sudden presence of his hand on my shoulder startled me and I suddenly felt nervous. Matsuda's shaken and uneasy presence was disturbingly worrisome and felt out of place. Something was wrong, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was. I felt completely out-of-the-loop.

"You can't be here!" Matsuda's voice remained quiet, but I could sense the urgency and finality behind his words. His eyes, although still kind, were intensely serious and wide with insistence. Insisting me to leave immediately.

I replied, copying Matsuda's quietly urgent tone. "I had to come up here and tell you that-"

Sudden silence. Matsuda's brow crinkled as he stared at me in confusion. I had abruptly stopped talking and was staring unwaveringly through the crack into his room. I couldn't believe what I had just heard.

_It doesn't make any sense. It just doesn't fit. B-but I swear I heard right. It was a voice that I know well. One that I hear every single day and - oh my gosh! He couldn't have –_

I tore my eyes away from the door and stared deeply into Matsuda's eyes, willing him to answer me with the truth, a truth that I was deeply dreading to hear.

My voice was hardly above a whisper and surprisingly calm, considering how alarmed I was. "Matsuda...that voice that I just heard from inside your room. It, it can't be-"

Matsuda sensed my panic and quickly interrupted, while shutting the door firmly behind him. "No, it was nothing! There's no one in there-"

_Like hell there's no one in there! I heard exactly who it was -_

"You've told him everything haven't you? You got him over here and told him everything and now it's all ruined! I'm going to be in so much trouble and-"

"No, Etsuko, there's no one there, I swear!"

But Matsuda's eyes told a different story. His eyes gave me all the confirmation I needed. He knew _exactly _who I was talking about and everything that he was saying was false. The sudden realization of what was going on suffocated any remnants of inhibition and calmness that I may have still had. I was being overtaken with something else.

Panic began to set in.

_I have to make things right! I can't have anyone standing in my way!_

In a moment of desperation, and sheer determination, I shoved past Matsuda with as much force as I could and bolted into his hotel room. Matsuda yelped in surprise as he stumbled backwards and tripped on the hallway rug. I ran down the short hallway of the suite and turned down a corner into one of the rooms.

Expecting to see Uncle Soichiro occupying the room, I shrilly burst out as I entered the room, "Uncle! I'm sorry! I can explain everything!"

What I saw in that room, and what happened next, must have occurred in only a few seconds time. However, time seemed to have slowed down to the most agonizingly sluggish speed as I witnessed what the room contained.

The room had papers and VHS tapes strewn everywhere across the room. Cups and saucers covered the coffee table along with more tapes. Heavy curtains covered the windows, draping the room in shadows and creating a stuffy atmosphere. At the far end of the room were multiple TVs with shockingly familiar images being displayed on the monitors. On every television screen, different areas of my house were portrayed. The living room. The kitchen. All five bedrooms. My stomach flipped as I recognized the blurry image of the upstairs bathroom. And the scariest part was seeing my family members displayed on the screens. Aunt Sachiko was in the kitchen preparing dinner, humming to herself as she stirred some ingredients in a bowl. Sayu was in her room, reading some teen magazine. Light didn't appear to be home yet. I felt nauseous as I watched them going about their business, completely oblivious that someone was watching them.

That someone was definitely not my uncle. In fact, I at first questioned whether I was looking at an adult, a child, or a person at all. All I could see from my side of the room was tuffs of black hair over the top of the chair, sticking up haphazardly in all directions. I briefly caught a glimpse of a bare foot resting on the edge of the chair where the figure was sitting. Or was the person...crouching? The foot twitched slightly and the toes curled further over the edge of the chair before the figure shifted and began to stand up.

I sucked in a wavering breath as I got my first good look at the figure who had been in the chair. The figure was definitely a person and male, but it wasn't completely clear if he was a fully grown adult, or simply a very tall teenager. His posture was absolutely hideous, all crooked and slouched. His dark hair drastically contrasted with his deathly pale skin. He stood perfectly still, his hands deep within his jean pockets. His eyes were like two, round pieces of coal that had never seen the light or felt the warmth of fire. They were dull and expressionless. Dark shadows rimmed the base of his eyes sockets, like soot staining a porcelain surface.

I cowered under his deeply penetrating stare. Those emotionless eyes, although not familiar to me, gazed at me as if he knew exactly who I was and what I was capable of (or not capable of). For once I couldn't find any particular emotion behind someone's eyes; it was as if I was staring at two empty eye sockets. The feeling of not being able to read what someone may be feeling or thinking left me feeling lost and out of control.

I would later find out that I had lost all forms of control as soon as I had stepped through that hotel room.

As I continued staring at the oddity of a man before me (and as he continued to unwaveringly stare back at me), he brought his thumb slowly to his bottom lip and held it there. I gulped and tried to concentrate on something besides his unblinking eyes, but they held me prisoner and I couldn't help but anxiously stare back.

He very calmly stated in a soft, detached voice, "Clearly, I'm not your uncle...Etsuko Yagami."

Before I could even wonder or worry about how he knew my name, who else but Uncle Soichiro entered the room, looking frantic and confused with what was going on. He looked uncharacteristically dishevelled; his tie was slightly skewed, his dress pants were wrinkled, and his suit jacket was absent. I also noticed faint bags underneath his eyes and a bit of stubble covering his chin and cheeks.

The expression that uncle shot my way was not the one I was expecting and dreading. I had been expecting him to look reprimanding and disappointed. Instead, he appeared anxious and alarmed, as if I had just walked into the middle of some trap. As he shook his head slightly from side to side and his brow creased with distress, I couldn't help but think that I had crossed a dangerous imaginary line that couldn't simply be stepped over again.

Before uncle could get one word out, Matsuda dashed into the room and collided full force into me. I choked on my breath as I felt my knees buckle. I could feel Matsuda's hands urgently trying to grasp onto my sleeves, but I fell too fast for him or uncle to reach me in time. The coffee table rapidly came up to meet me and a shooting pain burst through my right temple as my head clunked loudly with the table's corner.

As I lay on the carpet, my vision already fading in and out from blackness, I noticed that the strange man had remained in the exact same position before uncle and Matsuda had entered the room. Matsuda was shouting something about it not being his fault, that I had found him outside the hotel, that he had told me to stay in the lobby, that I had bolted out of nowhere...that he was simply trying to be useful. I could feel uncle's hands on my shoulders, gently shaking me, and I faintly heard him calling my name. Trying to beckon me away from the peaceful confines of unconsciousness.

But I was slowly fading. Before I completely passed out, my unfocused eyes found the lifeless eyes of the odd man, and I felt a shiver run all the way down to my toes as those dark eyes followed me down into the blackness.

**...**

**A/N: Finally the story is getting into gear! Would love to hear what you think of the chapter! **


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: **_**I do not own Death Note.**

Chapter 6

"_Things are goin' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame. Everything is changing and I do not feel _

_the same." – Vanessa Carlton_

**...**

I woke up to the smell of coffee and to the sight of assorted pastries. I could faintly make out a multi-layered tray sitting on the coffee table, piled high with, what looked like, the finest Japanese desserts. I thought I was able to make out a chair nearby with something occupying it, but I couldn't tell for sure. The constant throbbing at the right side of my head forced me to continuously shut my eyes tight, a weak attempt at trying to block out the pain. Slowly the pounding in my head ceased enough for me to open my eyes all the way. I realized I was lying down on a couch and that someone was sitting at the edge near my outstretched feet. As my vision became less and less clouded, I recognized the figure worriedly gazing down at me. Without a second thought, I bolted into a sitting position.

"Uncle! You, me, a-and Matsuda have to leave! W-we have to get out of here!"

Uncle gently held onto my upper arms as he tried to calm me down. "Etsuko, listen to me-"

I ignored both uncle and the pain in my head that had viciously returned with a vengeance. I couldn't be distracted! I had to warn him!

"No! There's someone here! A stranger! I don't know how he got into Matsuda's room, but he was – oh my gosh! Uncle, h-he knew my name a-a-and-"

"I assume you're referring to me."

My vocal chords froze and my throat clenched uncomfortably. My grip tightened on uncle's arms, a portion of his dress shirt sleeves becoming wrinkled as my fingers slowly tightened around the fabric. I felt like I had two heart beats as I felt my pulse drumming within my chest and in my right temple. I slowly turned my head towards the direction where the voice had come from, the same direction where the occupied chair was. I nervously raised my eyes towards the chair, dreadfully expecting the sight that would grace my vision.

Sure enough, it was _him_. The weird guy who had stared me down until I had passed out. And he was staring at me now. His dull, disinterested gaze vastly contrasted with my perplexed and frightened expression. He scrutinized me as he sat perched on the edge of the chair, his bare toes gripping and wriggling around the edge of the chair's cushion.

He held a pastry between two spindly fingers, the jelly from the dessert oozing out onto the tips of his fingernails. I watched the red filling slowly trail down one finger. He watched it slowly drip down his index finger for a second before his gaze reverted back to me. Without taking his dark eyes off of my scared ones, his tongue languidly poked out through his chapped lips and lapped up the trail of jam in one noisy lick. I shivered with disgust and felt incredibly uncomfortable as he sluggishly stuffed the whole pastry into his mouth, his eyes never leaving my face.

My throat made weird clicking sounds as I tried to get my vocal chords working again. My mouth opened and closed, but no sound left my tight throat. How could I put words to the feelings of utter confusion and alarm I was experiencing?

Uncle recognized my distress (mainly because I was digging my fingernails into his arms) and quietly reassured me by saying, "Etsuko, all of this can be explained."

I tried to focus on my uncle's familiar face and voice, but instead my eyes roamed over his shoulder to the TV monitors against the far wall. My house was still blurrily displayed on the screens. I could faintly make out my aunt worriedly peaking through the living room drapes, the home phone clenched firmly in her hand. Sayu was nervously standing behind the living room couch, her hands fidgeting with the ends of her sweater. Light still wasn't home, but his school uniform was nicely folded on his bed and his book bag was sitting on top of his desk. It appeared he had come home and had gone out again.

I wondered why my aunt and Sayu looked so worried. I became worried simply because they were worried. Had something happened to Light?

Uncle saw my distressed face and quickly looked behind his shoulder at the TV screens. He shifted in his seat so that he was blocking the monitors from my sight. He abruptly cleared his throat and gently pried my fingers off of his dress shirt.

"Etsuko, please let me explain. Everything's alright. There's nothing to be worried or scared about," Uncle Soichiro calmly explained, his eyes quickly leaving my face as soon as the words had left his mouth.

_Oh, uncle. What a terrible liar you are. _

There was no other explanation for his lack of eye contact and the distant, stiff way he said his words. Uncle wouldn't lie to me unless he had a good reason to, unless he was trying to protect me. But protect me from what? What exactly had I stumbled across?

As my eyes hesitantly shifted over to sneak a look at the odd man in the chair, another thought entered my frazzled mind: _Who_ exactly had I stumbled across?

As if Uncle Soichiro could sense the burning questions I had, he slowly began to explain what exactly was going on. He angled his body so that he was facing both me and the stranger, but his eyes barely focused on mine. Instead they were constantly flicking back and forth from the stranger's dull eyes to his folded hands that were sitting in between his knees.

"This isn't actually Matsuda's hotel room, Etsuko. It's..." I intently observed how uncle's eyes darted swiftly towards the odd man and then just as quickly back to his hands. As if...as if he was silently asking the man for clarification. No. It was more like he was asking for permission.

Uncle continued, more sure and confident now after making eye contact with the stranger. "It's a...meeting place for task force members. An extra base that the NPA has set up for officers who are on the Kira case." Uncle paused briefly and attempted to hide a sigh by awkwardly covering his mouth with the back of his hand. "A sort of removed space from the rest of the police force from time to time in order...in order to give us some more privacy while we investigate."

I blinked. A section of the police force removed from the rest of the NPA? I had assumed that the officers on the Kira case would be strictly and rigidly confidential about their work, but to the point of needing another place to work from the other officers? For some reason, perhaps because uncle kept looking in _his_ direction, I turned my eyes briefly to the stranger to see what his reaction would be. He simply stared back, frozen in the same awkward, crouch-like position he had been in since I had woken up. I looked back at uncle and, although he refused to look at me, his eyes were dead serious.

After a brief pause, Uncle Soichiro suddenly looked at me and quickly added, as if he had just come up with a more convincing way of saying what he had just said, "You know the extra long hours I've had to work, Etsuko, since I started on this case. All of the other Kira case members work the same hours. It's just the nature of the case. Headquarters thought it would be best if we had another space, reserved just for us, to work in, especially during the later hours. A more comfortable, set-apart working space."

I digested what uncle had just said. It still seemed weird and unlikely that the NPA headquarters would provide a certain task force team such a luxurious place to work in, especially after hours. I mean, an expensive hotel suite? Really? But then again, it was the Kira case. Uncle, along with the rest of his team, were putting their lives on the line, more so than any other officer in Japan, to catch an invisible killer. Uncle had told us at dinner one night that many officers had dropped from the case because of the extreme risks that it entailed. I imagined that the current Kira task force was pretty small. Perhaps the NPA were trying to accommodate the members as much as they could, in order to keep them happy. Happy enough for them to remain on the case.

After all, if the task force members on the Kira case refused to work on it any longer, things would be pretty much screwed over. They were our only hope.

I visibly became startled as a loud, long slurping sound broke the silence. My eyes darted towards the crouched man to see him sucking the jelly filling out of a second pastry. I couldn't help but scrunch my nose in disgust. After popping the now empty pastry into his mouth, he began to lick the tips of his fingers which were sticky with jam. He caught me staring at him and I quickly looked away, flushing with embarrassment that he had caught me staring. However, he didn't seem bothered in the slightest that I was disturbed by his atrocious manners, but carried on doing the same thing with a third pastry.

Something else astonished me aside from the oddity of a man that was sitting across from me. Uncle didn't seem fazed by the childish and weird habits of the stranger. He simply sat on the couch beside me, worry etching even more wrinkles into his face. His worry was even rivalling the anxiety that I was still feeling.

_Something's terribly wrong if uncle is allowing his worry to be so openly displayed. Does it have something to do with this weirdo, although he seems like he knows him or something._

I didn't have to wait long for clarification. Uncle shifted slightly more towards the stranger and nodded absently towards him.

"I assume you're wondering who this is. Let me introduce you to...this here is, um-"

"Inspector Hideki Ryuga. Member of the Kira case." The man quickly interrupted before popping yet another pastry in his mouth. He then leaned precariously over the coffee table and began to pour himself a cup of coffee.

For a split second I felt like laughing. The absurdity of the moment was almost to the point of being comical. I brought my hand up to my mouth to cover my quivering lips that were eager to let loose a titter of nervous laughter.

_He's a police officer? This man? THIS man? No way! There's absolutely no way! This has to be some sort of trick, some sort of prank or something! Or maybe I'm just having a really weird, life-like dream in my unconscious state? There's just no way! I mean, look at him!_

Reality whacked me good though as I glanced at both uncle's and the stranger's deadly serious expressions. They didn't appear to find the situation humorous or odd. Uncle continued staring intently down at his folded hands and the man called Hideki Ryuga continued pouring his coffee.

My hand plopped down in my lamp and limply sat there. I glanced back and forth between the two of them, waiting for one of them to say something that made sense.

When I received no answer, I swallowed multiple times before croaking out, "Really? A-are you serious? I mean..."

I lifted my hands an inch off my lap before letting them drop again in defeat. I didn't know what to say except the same three words that had been revolving around in my head since I had woken up.

"...I don't understand."

I turned towards uncle in anticipation of an answer, but his eyes were aimed towards Hideki Ryuga. As if he was waiting for an explanation as well.

Ryuga scooped two teaspoons of sugar into his coffee before lazily looking up at me. His voice retained the same calm, detached quality as it had before. "What exactly do you need explaining?"

My hands balled up into fists, which I quickly hid underneath my knees.

_What the hell do you think I DON'T need explaining? Is that your response? A question aimed right back at me? What type of – calm down, Etsuko, calm down. Just because he's being aggravating, doesn't give you the excuse to let your emotions go. Just because he doesn't have any manners, doesn't give you the excuse to be impolite. _

I slowly slid my legs off of the couch and set my feet firmly on the carpet. I unclenched my hands and folded them nicely in my lap. With extreme difficulty, I planted a small, polite smile on my face.

I was worried that it looked more like a grimace than a smile.

I struggled to speak calmly and courteously. "Well, are you really a member of the task force, of the Kira case? It's just that your..."

My voice trailed off as I watched with bewilderment as he scooped five more teaspoons of sugar into his cup.

_What the – _

He paused in his scooping to look at me, evidently wondering why I had stopped talking mid-sentence. I felt my cheeks grow warm with embarrassment and quickly looked towards the corner of the room and continued talking. As if everything was as normal as could be.

"It's, um, just that your accent doesn't sound like it's from, um, around here."

A loud slurping sound was my answer as he finally set his spoon on his saucer and took a long sip of his coffee. I tenderly nibbled on the inside of my cheek as I struggled to keep my nose in place. It was itching to scrunch up in repulsion.

_Didn't anyone teach this guy some manners? Seriously, his parents did a horrible job raising him. _

After setting his cup back down, he reached across the table for yet another pastry and spoke slowly before chomping down on the dessert.

"If you're suggesting that I'm not from Japan, you would happen to be right." He paused as he munched loudly on his pastry. He licked two of his sticky fingers before continuing. "I am not originally from Japan. Nevertheless, I have worked for the NPA for a considerable amount of time." His hand, clutching his cup, paused right before he set his lips on the rim. In a somewhat patronizing way, almost like he was explaining something very straightforward to a small child, he added, "Not long enough though to lose my accent."

Sensing that I was going to ask him what his accent was, he cut me off before I had the chance to even open my mouth. "Does that make sense, Miss Yagami?"

Again there was that skillfully concealed tone of patronization. I could only detect it in certain words and only when I really listened for it. But it was there alright and it fuelled my already burning desire to let loose on the oddball before me.

_Steady, Etsuko. Don't let your anger control you. He can't see your true emotions. Just play your role as sweetly and perfectly as you've done numerous times before. Don't forget that uncle is watching as well._

He gazed at me patiently, waiting for me to answer. As if he actually needed me to answer as to whether I had understood his simple explanation or not. Did he think I was that simpleminded? He didn't even know me!

Being ever well-mannered though, I decided to grace him with an answer. "Yes, it makes perfect sense." I gracefully ended my sentence with a polite smile. Instead of smiling back or showing any friendly response, he simply continued staring at me and slurped more of his sugar laden coffee.

"Inspector Ryuga is in charge of a specific division of the Kira case, Etsuko. He's focusing his time and effort towards the Kira-related harassment that has been occurring in universities and high schools across the city," uncle said as he leaned forward in his seat, silently conveying his desire to be involved in the conversation.

My ears perked up and my smile momentarily slipped away as I asked, "You mean the bullying of anti-Kira students?"

"Mm, yes." Inspector Ryuga mumbled over the rim of his cup and his large eyes rolled upwards to stare lazily at the ceiling. "It's become quite the problem on Tokyo campuses and schoolyards. The NPA is adapting stringent measures to dissolve the problem. Educating students on the effects of bullying, trying to find the perpetrators/groups behind the acts of vandalism and harassment..." Inspector Ryuga's emotionless eyes lowered and focused on mine before he added, "...interviewing any individuals who may have information about perpetrators or victims of these disturbances."

Unconsciously, I leaned back a bit in order to distance myself from those dark, piercing eyes. I tried to regulate my breathing as I processed his words, especially the last several words he had uttered. A mixture of emotions and questions swept over me and I mentally struggled to put some order to them. I was aware that he was still staring at me, expectantly waiting some type of response to exit my lips. There was almost a predatory glint behind his eyes; he appeared to be perched and waiting to snatch my words as soon as I had spoken them, devour them with those dark irises, and then deliver a heavy blow with his next choice of words.

"Interviewing people who have information about someone getting bullied, for example?" I tried to keep my voice level and smooth, as if I was innocently asking for clarification. Inside though, my mind was furiously organizing scrambled thoughts and ideas.

_Interviewing any individuals who may have information on victims or perpetrators. Could that be the reason why the police were so interested in hearing my concerns about Light when Fumiko had made that phone call? Why they hauled us in to headquarters to gather our statements regarding such concerns? Why Matsuda was so interested in hearing about my worries regarding Light just now? _

Inspector Ryuga's lips twitched slightly. His eyes gazed knowingly into mine for a split second before I turned my eyes away. I felt unsettled by his stare, especially with the perceptive look he was giving me. As if he knew exactly what I was going to ask before I had spoken.

_Why does it feel like he knows way too much about me than what is normal? It feels almost claustrophobic looking into his eyes._

"Precisely," he quietly responded, and drained the rest of his coffee in one loud gulp.

Before I could open my mouth to speak again, he calmly added, "Which is the reason why you and your friend were called into headquarters yesterday evening. To hear your concerns."

I stiffened in my seat and discreetly snuck a look in uncle's direction. I had been avoiding asking if that was the reason Fumiko and I had been called in, simply because I was still hoping that maybe uncle didn't know about all that. From the calm, unsurprised look on his face though, I concluded that he did know about our visit to headquarters yesterday. Perhaps for a longer time than I had thought.

Uncle sighed and wearily rubbed his hands together. "You know you can tell me anything that's bothering you, Etsuko. That you could have come to me." Uncle finally made eye contact with me and held my gaze for a few long seconds. His eyes shone with a desperate eagerness that I had never seen behind his eyes. I had no clue how to answer in order to quell that worrying shine.

I knew that I had to set things right though, just like I had intended when I had bolted into the hotel room.

I shakily breathed in and said, "I can see now why my friend and I were called into headquarters and why our, um, why my concerns for...for my cousin were listened to so intently. At least, I think I do. But as I'm sure you know, it was all a misunderstanding. You can ask Matsuda, he'll tell you." I paused and tried to focus all of my attention on Inspector Ryuga, trying to convince him that what I was saying was true. "Everything's alright and there's no need to be worried about my cousin."

I purposely avoided Uncle Soichiro's wondering, avid gaze. I would tell him later. I couldn't keep my concerns for Light bottled up anymore, and even if the situation I was currently in wasn't the way I had wanted to tell him about Light, it would have to do. But not in front of _him_. Not in front of Inspector Ryuga. I didn't feel comfortable around him and didn't sense any form of trust behind his scrutinizing eyes.

"I see. Then what exactly was the intent of your visit today, Miss Yagami? Matsuda claimed that you were quite determined to speak to him about your cousin. Some worries you had about him?" Inspector Ryuga inclined his shaggy head slightly to the side. Although he intended to phrase his words into a question, he sounded like he was making a statement more than asking for clarification.

I tried not to fiddle in my seat and to keep my hands still. I was lost for words. Uncle intently looked at me, his eyes kind and encouraging, but also filled with that same anxious eagerness. Inspector Ryuga had silently filled up his cup again (with more sugar than coffee it appeared) and held the rim of the cup against his lips, watching me. I couldn't tell for certain, but I thought I witnessed the edge of his lips curl slightly upwards into a mirthless smirk.

I sucked in a shaky breath and swallowed.

_He knows I'm lying. He just knows. And I don't know what to say._

I needed a distraction. My eyes darted towards the TV monitors and my heart leapt back into my chest as I breathed a sigh of relief.

I pointed across the room at the screens and innocently asked, as if I wasn't changing the topic completely, "If you don't mind me asking, what are those TV monitors for? Why are they filming my family?"

Inspector Ryuga's expression changed completely from smug satisfaction to barely concealed annoyance. His eyelids lowered slightly over his eyes and his slouch became more pronounced. He lowered his coffee cup and in a monotone voice replied, "They are a safety precaution. Now, Miss Yagami, if you would please answer my question."

"Hold on, Ryuz – Ryuga! I think my niece has a right to know more information than you're giving her," uncle abruptly stated, his eyes briefly clearing up from distressed anticipation to the determined resolve that usually tinted his eyes.

Inspector Ryuga deeply sighed. "Cameras are installed in every Kira case member's house as a security measure. Ever since the FBI agents who were sent here were murdered by Kira, the NPA has taken measures to ensure the officers' and their families' safety."

"Aren't cameras a bit, um, well, over-the-top? And why do they have to be in the bathrooms? And why haven't we been told about-"

Uncle Soichiro turned towards me and held my shaking hands in his strong ones. He once again positioned himself in front of the screens so that they were out of my sight. He hurriedly said, "I'm sorry, Etsuko, but I didn't want to worry you and the rest of the family. I know that they are intense measures, but it's for the best." Uncle briefly flashed a look at Inspector Ryuga that I couldn't entirely read, but it appeared to be somewhat scornful. "You have to trust me though, alright?"

At that second as I looked into uncle's eyes, I understood that he was asking me to trust him, not only about the cameras, but about the whole situation I found myself in. What exactly "the situation" was, I still had no idea. Only that he needed me to trust him and to follow his lead. But how was I supposed to do that when I felt completely out-of-the-loop? When I felt like I was missing key information about what was going on?

My eyes remained fixed on uncle's as I softly replied, "Al-alright."

Uncle sighed, nodded, and slowly let go of my hands. I suddenly realized how real the situation I found myself in felt. I felt completely overwhelmed by what was happening. Something felt very wrong. The mysterious nature of how uncle and Inspector Ryuga were acting. The more-than-slightly unrealistic explanations that had been presented to me. The suffocating presence of that entity that I had felt numerous times in Light's bedroom: the feeling of secretiveness. Of not knowing the whole truth. Of being left out.

Of being lied to.

"Now, Miss Yagami, if you could please give me an explanation as to why you wanted to talk to Matsuda," Inspector Ryuga drawled out as he sipped at his coffee.

I looked into his eyes and it was as if I was gazing into the great unknown. I couldn't read what lay behind the thin layer of anticipation that coated his eyes. And not knowing what lay behind those dark, emotionless orbs scared me. I feared what he would do if I told him...

I came to a swift conclusion.

"I don't know why."

I imagined that if I could see his eyebrows underneath his fringe, they would be raised in puzzlement over my response. But he didn't even blink as he leaned forward slowly. I could see his fingers digging into his jeans where his knees bent.

His eyes widened even more as he softly said, "You don't know why you tracked Matsuda down this afternoon and told him that you were worried about your cousin...about Light?"

A wisp of a breath exited through my lips. Hearing him say Light's name in that disconnected, shallow tone of his created a weird feeling inside of me. I suddenly felt very protective towards my cousin, even though he wasn't there. There was something very "off" about Inspector Ryuga. It was bad enough that I had to sit there in his presence...I didn't want to bring Light into the situation, even if it was only by reference.

I clenched my hands firmly together in my lap and softly muttered, "No, I don't."

I tried with all my strength to return Inspector Ryuga's unrelenting stare, but failed miserably after about five seconds and set my sight on my clenched hands. I waited for him or uncle to say something, but the silence carried on. I heard the gentle clatter of Inspector Ryuga's cup as he set it down on his saucer. I felt uncle shuffle in his seat beside me. I willed myself to continue looking at my hands, to keep quiet.

_Whatever you do, don't mention Light. I don't want this man to know anything about him. There's something wrong with him; bad vibes. Besides, it's none of his business really. If I'm not willing to speak about my concerns regarding Light, even if it may help him in his investigative measures on Kira-related harassment, then he needs to respect that. He can't force me to speak._

"You try my patience, Miss Yagami."

I quickly looked up and found Inspector Ryuga tiredly looking back at me, as if he was preparing to announce something important and complicated. By the way he was pointedly staring at me I couldn't help but think that I had something to do with it.

Uncle must have sensed something in the words Inspector Ryuga had spoken or by the way he was looking at me. He sat forward and with a voice thick with barely concealed urgency said, "Ryuga, if you're thinking of-"

"But that's alright, Miss Yagami. I'll have plenty of time to receive your answer."

Uncle abruptly stood up, almost knocking the tray of pastries as his knee knocked the coffee table. Inspector Ryuga's cup rattled, which he calmly settled by resting the tip of his finger against the rim of the cup. He barely even looked surprised by uncle's sudden display of frustration. And Uncle Soichiro _was_ irritated.

"It's out of the question! That is completely uncalled for! You and I need to have a word, right now! Away from my niece!" All worry from uncle's face had vanished and was now replaced by a look of angry disbelief.

"Please calm yourself, Mr. Yagami."

"Calm down? Do you realize how-"

"What do you mean you'll have plenty of time to get my answer?" I shakily asked, suddenly feeling more than just worried, but also scared. Uncle's outburst frightened me, but the tone of dead certainty that Inspector Ryuga spoke his words with made me even more nervous.

Uncle turned to me and lowered his voice slightly. "Nothing, Etsuko, nothing! It's all going to be alright. I just need a word with Inspector Ryuga here and-"

"We might as well discuss this topic in front of her, since she will be finding out sooner or later." Inspector Ryuga calmly mumbled over the rim of his cup as he slurped away at his drink.

Uncle sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, his voice becoming calmer as he lost his argumentative edge, and adapted a tone of supplication. "At least give her a break before we discuss any more of this. You and I can go talk this out and maybe come to a compromise? Just give her some space...she's taken in a lot in the past several minutes."

The room was bathed in a stuffy, tense silence as uncle and I waited nervously for Inspector Ryuga to answer. I wringed the edges of my shirt sleeves incessantly as I waited a verdict. What that verdict was scared me immensely, since I had no clue what its outcome would be and how it would affect me. Judging by uncle's display of distress and anger, I believed that I had a right to be worried.

Ryuga sipped at his coffee a few more times. He stared intensely at one of the coffee table legs. Uncle continued standing in the same position since he had stood up: his hands outstretched in front of him in an uncharacteristic sign of appeal.

Ryuga broke the silence by quietly murmuring, "She'll be taking in a lot more in the next several hours, Mr. Yagami."

My breath hitched in my throat and my eyes darted to uncle, silently imploring to him for an explanation, for reassurance. But uncle's countenance only increased my fright. His face drooped, as if all strength had suddenly been drained from him. His lips formed a miserable frown and his eyes closed shut, the wrinkles around his eyes becoming more pronounced. He lowered his head and his face became bathed in shadow. His outstretched arms slowly lowered to his sides and they limply remained there. I had never seen him look so dejected.

_Uncle, please...you're the Chief of the NPA. Why are you letting this subordinate officer effect you so? What – what is really going on here?_

The silence was broken by the clatter of Inspector Ryuga's cup on the saucer. He lifted his thumb and curled it around his bottom lip, like a hook snagging an open-mouthed, lidless fish. He remained frozen in that position for a couple of seconds before mumbling around his finger, "But I suppose she can compose herself for a bit while we discuss the details."

A shaky, dry breath exited uncle's lips and he brushed some loose hairs back into place. His sigh was not one of relief though. It was simply uncle breathing out, anxious and drained.

My worry continued to bubble and churn.

"If you don't mind, Miss Yagami, there is a small room right through those doors. You can wait in there while your uncle and I discuss particulars." Inspector Ryuga's eyes roamed to the side of the room where the door uncle had entered through was located. I barely even spared it a look. My eyes were practically glued to uncle's unreadable ones.

_Uncle, wha-what's going on...what –_

"Maybe we should leave the room. She can lie down here and-" Uncle softly offered. I could tell he was trying to hide the defeat that laced his voice, but it was thickly noticeable.

"No. We stay here, Mr. Yagami." Inspector Ryuga's voice was sternly resolved. Uncle seemed to suddenly understand and his eyes quickly flashed towards the TV monitors.

My eyes followed his gaze and I focused on the screens. Maybe it was because I was unconsciously searching the screens for Light's presence, but whatever it was, I suddenly noticed something odd about the images that the cameras were picking up. There seemed to be a considerable amount of screens devoted to showing Light's bedroom. A considerable amount more than the other bedrooms in the house. I began to count the number of screens that showed his room, the different angles being portrayed by the cameras. An unsettling feeling began to gnaw on my stomach.

_Why are there so many cameras in Light's ro -_

"Miss Yagami, if you wouldn't mind?"

I barely registered Inspector Ryuga's words (which, although he tried phrasing into a question, sounded more like a command), but numbly stood up anyways and slowly looked at the door leading into the other room. I looked one more time at uncle, who nodded tiredly. He couldn't bare looking at me. Inspector Ryuga continued slurping his coffee.

So I entered the room, which was similar to the room I had just exited, only there was one door leading out. The door closed and I heard someone lock it. I instantly heard mumbled voices, but couldn't decipher what was being said. It sounded like uncle had regained some of his strength again; he sounded like he was sternly trying to convince Inspector Ryuga or something by the tone of his voice.

Convince him. Why would he be trying to convince a subordinate? Who...who was Inspector Ryuga?

I didn't notice that I had started to shake until I had sat down in one of the chairs and tried to fold my quivering hands in my lap.

**...**

I had only been in the room for about ten minutes when the door unlocked and uncle stood waiting for me to exit the room. In those ten minutes I had been so overwhelmed with questions and thoughts and worries that I couldn't concentrate on any one of them. It was as if my brain had been so crammed full that there was no extra space to actually think about things.

But as I looked out into the next room and saw Inspector Ryuga crouched there in his chair, it was as if all of those questions and thoughts had been scooped out of my brain and had been flung away, as if they were yesterday's garbage. However desirable it would have been to have answers and reassurances, there was only one thing on my mind. Only one option.

I exited the room and looked at Uncle Soichiro. He appeared drained to the point of utter exhaustion. I noticed his pale face and the faint sweat stains on his dress shirt and vaguely wondered if he was feeling ill. He certainly looked unwell. Both physically and emotionally.

Inspector Ryuga turned his piercing eyes on me and muttered, "Miss Yagami."

I hid my trembling hands behind my back and ignored Inspector Ryuga as I turned towards uncle and shakily said, "U-uncle, I want to leave now. I-I need to get home."

Before I could fully register the full extent of grief that contorted uncle's face, Inspector Ryuga declared steadily, "My apologies, Miss Yagami, but you will not be returning home. In fact, it has been decided that you will be staying here for an indefinite amount of time."

I remember my sister dragging me onto a rollercoaster when we were both young. I remember screaming my lungs out as we plummeted down one of the steep drops of the coaster. I remember the feeling of my stomach leaving its normal habitat in the pit of my abdomen and it flying upwards and squishing itself in between my lungs, and then soaring even higher into the tight length of my throat. I remember it then plunging unmercifully back down to its rightful place and leaving me feeling lightheaded and nauseous. That same sensation struck me at that moment as Inspector Ryuga said those words in that unforgiving manner of his.

I could barely sputter out, "Wh-what? I-I – what do you mean I can't go home? Wh-What? Why? Uncle!"

Uncle wasn't the one full of answers though. Inspector Ryuga continued smoothly, "By entering this hotel room you have compromised the very confidentiality of this investigation. It is part of police protocol that when top secret information is witnessed by an unwarranted outside force, the information must be protected at all means."

With the last remaining bits of civility that I contained, I stammered out, "A-and the only way to keep th-the information protected is to – is to keep me here! To k-keep me from returning home?"

Inspector Ryuga sipped at his coffee and mumbled, with barely even a look in my direction, "Precisely."

I was beginning to lose it, but continued to keep the full extent of my anguish from breaking through completely. "H-how can that be? I haven't even seen anything really important! The cameras – fine! B-but technically it's m-my right to see them, right? I mean, it's my house and, and-"

"The camera footage, the location of this secret task force base, along with details about the investigation. This is information that the police force cannot afford to be revealed to the public."

My shaking hands left their hiding place behind my back and stretched out, palms facing upwards...an obvious show of desperate entreaty. "I-I won't tell anybody! I swear! P-please! I promise you, Inspector Ryuga, I promise!"

Inspector Ryuga peered at me over his coffee cup. "Based on the way you've conducted yourself so far, Miss Yagami, I don't believe you. Frankly, it's not up for discussion."

My heart beat filled my ears and I swore everyone else was able to hear its thunderous pounding. My hands felt like they were vibrating they were shaking so bad. My breath was coming out in short, thin puffs. I was trying to hold onto control. So, so badly.

_I need to get out! I need to get out of here! Before, before –_

"Uncle! Please! Tell him that you won't allow this, please?"

I felt like throwing up as I witnessed the look uncle gave me. It was a look of helplessness, of despair. A feeling swept over me that I had never truly felt before: Abandonment.

Somehow I was able to realize and understand that it wasn't that uncle had decided not to help me. It was that he _couldn't_ help me.

I had to rely on myself. The sickening realization made my heart thud even louder and faster.

_Please, oh, please –_

My voice began to crack as I finally began to lose almost all forms of control. "M-my family! They won't – they won't believe any of this! Both here and back home in Tottori City!"

It appeared that Inspector Ryuga always had a ready answer every time. "Naturally, we won't tell them the real reason why you are here, as that could potentially further compromise the investigation. Fortunately, we have a convincing explanation to offer them."

Uncle looked at Inspector Ryuga for the first time since he had let me back into the room. Every part of his body was ridden with weariness and sorrow, except for his hands. They were tightly balled up into fists at his sides. I thought I was able to see them quiver slightly.

Inspector Ryuga continued smoothly, "You attend To-Oh University, one of the schools in Tokyo that has been hit hard with Kira-related harassment. Victimized students have changed schools and, rumour has it, have enrolled under witness protection programs."

It's remarkable how adapt the brain is with interpreting and analyzing information, even when it's in its most distressed and disorganized state. I choked out a breath as I slowly began to realize what Inspector Ryuga was proposing. My brain furiously screamed out thoughts in order to cover up its disturbing discovery.

_Crazy! Absolutely crazy! It will never work! Uncle won't allow it (uncle is useless right now, look at him-)! I-I'll run away right now, I can't, I won't, I don't know – someone please make sense here!_

Some of my scrambled thoughts made their way to my gapping mouth. "Those are just rumours though! They aren't true!"

Inspector Ryuga didn't seem bothered by my rational words. I was beginning to wonder if anything that anyone said to him bothered him. _His_ words seemed to be the only ones that mattered to him.

He abandoned his coffee and returned his attention to the never-ending pile of pastries before him.

"The thrill of a rumour is that you never know for certain if it's true or not. For your family though, Miss Yagami, they will discover that, in this particular case, it is very much true."

"Wh-what? You can't be – what are you-"

Inspector Ryuga unexpectedly stood up and slouched forward towards me, a pastry clutched between two fingers. He stared sternly at me. It appeared he had finally become annoyed with my excessive babbling and needed to attain a more dominant, threatening position. Although his slouch was anything but threatening, his dark, emotionless eyes...those cold, black coal-eyes...were the very meaning of intimidation.

He spoke quickly, as if he was relaying a newscast story over the radio and he only had a certain amount of time to get all of the details out. "After your last class ended this afternoon, you were caught witnessing a Kira-related attack on campus and was verbally threatened by the attackers. They tried to chase after you, but you were able to escape. However, they saw your face and one of the perpetrators you recognized from class. Not like drawing attention to yourself, you phoned your uncle instead of directly calling the police. He met up with you and then proceeded to place you in the previously mentioned witness protection program. An extreme safety precaution, but necessary since we're dealing with aggressive, unpredictable, and fanatical Kira supporters. It wouldn't be safe for you to return to school or even your neighbourhood. It would be easier and safer for you to remain in the program until the perpetrators were caught." Inspector Ryuga stuffed the pastry into his mouth and swallowed loudly. After licking his fingers he added, "...and that could take a very long time."

My heart thudded painfully against my chest, so hard that I thought my ribs were going to crack. It kept beating faster and louder, as if it was desperately trying to break through my bone and muscle and skin in order to see the living world. My right hand flew to the front of my jacket and gripped the fabric over my chest, while my left hand blindly tried to grasp onto something. I couldn't catch my breath. My vision was blurring. My shirt underneath my jacket was drenched with sweat.

_No, not here! Not now! _

Uncle snapped into action as he recognized how distressed I was becoming. He rushed to my side and slowly led me towards the couch, his hands tightly gripping my quivering ones. He sat down beside me and rested one hand against my back. I could hear his quasi-steady breathing and I tried to match my breaths with his.

_Fight it! Fight it!_

Uncle waited a couple of seconds before I had some control over my breathing before he said, "I'm going to take care of all of the details, Etsuko. You won't have to inform your parents. I'll call them and tell them what's going on. If you want to speak to them you can though."

_This is crazy! So insane! How can this be happening? How can it – uncle is actually going through with this? How can he? Is this truly the only way to go? Can't he do anything? He's acting completely useless!_

I had realized only a couple of minutes ago that I had to rely on myself, that I couldn't rely on anyone else. But that was pointless because there was nothing I could do. If uncle was useless in this matter, then I was even more useless. If he had given in to the crazy idea of keeping me away from my family and home, for who knows how long, then was I supposed to just give in as well?

_You're powerless. It's not a matter of wanting to give in or not, of wanting to believe it or not. You have no choice...it's going to happen. _

The crushing blow of my thoughts overtook me. An overwhelming desire to burst into tears suddenly came over me.

_It's going to happen. It really is. I can't do anything. I'm useless. I can't – oh my gosh, it's really going to happen. They're really going to go through with this._

I swallowed convulsively in order to back down the tears that threatened to pour forth. My breathing settled enough for me to stutter out one of the many crazy worries that was consuming me, "Wh-what are they going to think? My dad – he's going to be so worried and -"

"I'll take care of it. I'll talk to him. I'll explain everything and he'll come to understand. He'll be happy that you're safe and sound, protected by the NPA," uncle reassured.

_But I don't need protecting! It's all a lie! How can I deceive my parents and the rest of my family like this?_

Another thought, strangely comforting, entered my head.

_You have no choice in the matter. They'll be deceiving them, not you. You have no control, no say in the manner. It's not your fault...It's going to happen. It's going to happen. _

My hands continued to shake uncontrollably. My legs felt completely useless, as if all of my muscle was missing. The dreadfully familiar sensation of sudden fatigue was beginning to descend, working its way up from my feet to my legs. Soon it would completely consume me. And I would be even more useless than I was at that moment.

I vaguely heard Inspector Ryuga talking, as if he was speaking from a long distance away. "You will be accommodated with a room here and will be served all of your meals in there. The room is equipped with your own private bathroom, so there's no reason for you to leave your room. It's imperative that you do not interfere with the task force. Naturally, you will not be able to attend school, however you will be able to continue taking your courses on-line. This should give you plenty of time to pass the hours. Visits with your family here in Tokyo will be permitted, but only under certain times and a strict protocol will be followed. Your visits will, of course, be monitored. Don't expect too many visits, since we have limited time as it is with the investigation. You will not be able to communicate outside of..."

Inspector Ryuga went on about my computer not having access to e-mail and to the Internet (except my on-line courses) and how my cell phone would be taken from me. A security measure, he said, so that I wouldn't be able to break confidentiality by telling anyone what I had stumbled upon. He continued talking about monitoring measures, keeping to myself, and other strict rules that I would have to follow, but I was only half-listening. If I fully listened to what he was saying, if I fully focused on what was happening, if I fully accepted what my new reality was, I would shut down. And as morbidly blissful as that idea seemed to me while I sat there on the couch, the pride and dignity that still resided somewhere within me declared that I couldn't let go.

Not yet. Not just yet.

My brain went into survival mode. It was fleeing, choosing flight instead of fight. My mouth had apparently not caught up with my retreating, rational brain. It had chosen to give it one more try, one more fighting push, however feeble and pathetic the effort was.

As Inspector Ryuga ceased talking, I croaked out, my eyes not having the courage to look into his, "There...please, Inspector Ryuga...there isn't any – any other way?"

Without a beat, Inspector Ryuga emotionlessly replied, "No, Miss Yagami, there isn't. There never was."

It was the final blow. My mouth packed its bags and ran away, trying to catch up with my mind that had fled far away. I was finished.

I don't really remember leaving the couch and that room. I felt like I was in a dream and had no real sense of what was going on. Somehow uncle led me towards the room that I would be staying in. As I got my first look of the spacious room, I realized something.

_This is my new bedroom. _

I had the sudden urge to puke, but somehow I was able to swallow that impulse down.

It was only after uncle had left me alone in that room, in my new bedroom, that another chilling and nauseating realization entered my mind.

_This is my new home. _

I desperately shook my head, trying to get rid of the horrible thought. But my thoughts continued to torment me as my mind whispered in my inner ear...

_...Welcome home, Etsuko._

**...**

I stared at the suitcase at the end of the bed. It was bursting full with almost my whole wardrobe, along with a bunch of other belongings of mine. I vaguely reflected on the fact that the last time my suitcase had been used was when I had travelled back home for a visit before heading off with my family to South Korea. That seemed like years ago, when it hadn't even been two months ago. I would never have imagined that it would be used for something like this, for a "trip" like this.

_This isn't a trip. This is imprisonment._

After uncle had introduced me to my new room and had attempted to talk to me (which he had failed miserably at; even if I had wanted to talk, my vocal chords appeared to have been rendered useless...along with every other part of me), he had left for home to get my stuff. While he was home packing, he had explained to auntie, Light, and Sayu what was going on. They naturally responded with shock, worry, and confusion. Apparently Aunt Sachiko had exclaimed that she knew something like this would happen, since I spent a considerable amount of my time and days on that campus. Uncle had explained to them that I was living in very nice accommodations near the NPA Headquarters, that I got free meal and cleaning services, that I could have scheduled visits with family and friends, that I would be continuing school on-line, and that there were some places that I could visit with a police officer escorting me. School, my neighbourhood, and any other location that I was affiliated with were out of bounds. He had attempted to compare my situation to me moving out and living in my own apartment in order to make auntie and my cousins worry less. However, he also told them that I wasn't up for speaking to anyone at the moment, so I don't think they were comforted by his comparison, but just worried more about my lack of speaking.

I had asked uncle if they suspected anything. He had responded that they didn't appear to. I was surprised, but then not so much after thinking about it for a bit. The explanation, the _lie_, uncle had given them was more believable than the truth: Me stumbling across a secret police base in a hotel suite, with a whole wall of security cameras filming the house, and an eccentric, hunchbacked officer sentencing me to confinement in a hotel room for an indefinite amount of time for doing nothing.

Besides, what other explanation could they come up with for my absence? It was a pretty farfetched explanation uncle gave them, but it was believable enough. After all, victimized students had disappeared from campus and hadn't been heard from again. Perhaps they had all stumbled across some unreasonable weirdo as well...

When I had asked uncle if he had phoned my family back home in Tottori City yet, he had become eerily silent and had ceased from looking me in the eye. I had to ask him again, unsure if I wanted to hear what he appeared reluctant to say. He had responded that he hadn't told my family back home. That he thought it was best that they didn't know, to keep them from worrying. Of course, the truth of the matter was that they couldn't find out because of my father's profession. My dad was a police officer and would know that there was no such police protocol of confining unwanted witnesses, even if it was confidential material. He would have seen it as it was: nonsense and unjust. Just like I saw it. He would have started asking questions and would have tried to become involved, which was exactly what the task force didn't want. Or...more like what Inspector Ryuga didn't want.

Surprisingly, I wasn't as bothered by uncle's decision (actually, I doubted he had anything to do with it; I'm sure it was Inspector Ryuga's brilliant idea) as I thought I would be. It was bad enough that my relatives in Tokyo had to be so blatantly lied to and were worrying about me. At least I was going to be able to visit them...hopefully. With my parents and sister back home, all the way in Tottori City, the only connection I would be able to have with them was by phone, and even then, I wasn't allowed to call anyone unless given permission and with my conversation being recorded and overheard. The thought of my parents and sister being informed of my predicament (even when it was better than the true dilemma I found myself in) and not being able to do anything but try to comfort me over the phone, bothered me immensely. It was for the best. They would go on thinking that everything was okay and they wouldn't have to be lied to.

Uncle reasoned that it would work out, since my parents always called my cell phone instead of the home phone. The call would go to my voice mail or Inspector Ryuga may be reasonable enough to allow me to take the call. They wouldn't phone the house asking for me. They wouldn't come in direct contact with my aunt and cousins who "knew" about my predicament. Uncle had told auntie, Light, and Sayu that I wanted to be the one to tell my parents and sister and that I didn't want the two parties to talk about it at all, unless my parents brought the subject up (which, of course, they wouldn't). I didn't want my family to worry more by talking to my relatives about it. The less it was talked about, the better. Uncle had told them that that was my utmost desire.

I didn't even have to speak for myself anymore. Uncle took care of it for me.

They had accepted "my decision" reluctantly, and had promised to stay silent about my situation, unless my parents brought it up, while leaving me to handle discussing the situation with my family. They would respect our privacy, although it really did affect them as well. But how could uncle and I explain to them the real reason why they couldn't bring the subject up with my family? The simple answer was...we couldn't. We weren't allowed.

However, like I mentioned, they seemed willing to accept my decision. Apparently Aunt Sachiko had said, "It's the least we can do for her right now if those are her wishes. My poor niece."

Sayu had apparently added that she could understand why I wouldn't want the two families talking about me and my situation while I wasn't present to offer my insights or thoughts. "It's almost like talking behind Etsuko's back in a way," Sayu added, attempting to be helpful.

Light apparently didn't say anything regarding the matter.

With those two issues out of the way (at least, as much as they could be), uncle had gently asked me if I wanted to talk. I had slowly shaken my head, not being able to look him in the eye. I knew that it wasn't uncle's fault about what was happening to me, but I couldn't help but feel some resentment towards him. Besides the one outburst he had had, he basically had sat back as Inspector Ryuga did as he wanted. He practically accepted what that weirdo was doing.

I think he sensed my bitterness and didn't even attempt to explain or defend himself. Once again, I felt as if it wasn't because uncle didn't want to explain himself, but because he _couldn't_. He wasn't...allowed to? By none other than...

As Uncle Soichiro had dejectedly headed for the bedroom door, I had stopped him suddenly with a question that I had to ask. It was the only thing that I couldn't end the night without knowing more about.

"Uncle?" I had gently whispered, as if the very walls could hear me.

Uncle had slowly answered, "Yes, Etusko?"

I had counted a few seconds before continuing, "Who...who is Inspector Ryuga?"

Uncle had remained still and silent, his back facing me.

I had impatiently probed further. "Is he a part of the FBI or a CIA agent or something? Because...because he's definitely not just a police officer."

Uncle had remained stubbornly quiet and unmoving. However, his silence was all the confirmation I had needed. There was much more to Inspector Ryuga, something that he was covering up.

I had softly responded, "I see -"

All of a sudden Uncle had turned to face me dead on and had walked right up to where I was sitting on the bed. Initially, I had thought that he was going to get angry with me, but there had been no anger in his voice. Instead he had sounded desperately earnest, as if he was going to cry if I didn't believe in what he was going to say.

"Etsuko, I know that you must feel some resentment towards me after what has occurred this afternoon -"

Even though uncle had hit the nail on the head, I had eagerly exclaimed, "No, uncle, I don't-"

He had carried on though, as if I hadn't spoken, "And I don't blame you if you do. But know that I am going to try my hardest to get you back home as soon as possible, where you rightfully belong. That I will be fighting for your behalf. Know that I'm on your side."

I had looked at uncle with a mixture of worry and surprise. He had sounded so desperate and nervous. And it had sounded like there were a bunch of other emotions that were raging inside of him, but that he was trying frantically to crush. He had noticed my worried expression and had heavily breathed out and set his glasses straight before softly, and much more calmly, adding, "Trust me?"

I had nodded with as much enthusiasm that I could conjure up from my weary state. Uncle had seemed content with my silent answer and a long, relieved sigh had escaped his lips.

After a couple of seconds of what had felt like tense silence, I had said goodnight to uncle and he had nodded, understanding that I wanted to be left alone. He had left the room with me sitting on the bed.

Two hours later, I was still sitting in the exact same position he had left me in. All I could do was stare at my bulging suitcase. The only time I had gotten up was to answer the phone in the room (which could only connect to people inside the hotel suite). Some man, who I assumed to be someone on the task force, had asked me when I wanted dinner. I had desperately tried to sound polite, but my answer had come out sounding bland and emotionless as I had responded that I didn't want any dinner. After I had hung up the phone, I had gone back to my spot on the bed and had continued my staring contest with my luggage.

I vaguely looked at the digital clock on the nightstand and saw that it was 10:23 pm. I tried to reason with myself that I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I couldn't even fathom going to sleep. It was an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. With unfamiliar people right behind the walls. Even uncle didn't seem familiar to me at that moment.

I couldn't even fathom the thought of getting up and taking off my jacket and my sweat-drenched clothes, which had finally dried to some extent.

I couldn't fathom doing anything. All of the worry and confusion and shock had sucked my brain and body of all thought and action. All I was doing was simply existing. Nothing more.

My eyes had finally switched from looking at my suitcase to the weather outside the window, which had changed for the worse, when a timid knock sounded at the bedroom door. I slowly glanced towards the door and waited for whoever it was to leave. Whoever it was though, they were persistent and knocked again, noticeably louder this time, but still somewhat hesitant. I sighed and bowed my head so low towards my lap that the ends of my hair touched my knees.

_Go away. Please go away._

A third knock. I sighed irritably, knowing that it was useless to pretend that they would go away. I quietly called back, refusing to get off of the bed, "Come in."

Without a doubt, I had expected it to be uncle, back again to plea with me to trust him and to believe that he was on my side. But I could tell from the light footsteps and even the way the person softly and gently closed the door, that it wasn't my uncle. I frowned and turned to face whoever had entered the room.

I sucked in a breath as I saw Matsuda standing near the threshold of the door. I abruptly stood up and just as quickly sat back down as I realized that both my legs were painfully fast asleep. I winced and tried again, slowly this time. I successfully made it onto both feet and stumbled to the edge of the bed. Matsuda looked very uncomfortable and nervous. He avoided eye contact with me and kept fidgeting with the end of his tie, wringing the end of it around his fingers. I was confused to why he was there. It was late after all and didn't Inspector Ryuga not want any task force members hanging around me? Didn't he practically want me in solitary confinement? What was so important for Matsuda to say to me?

Matsuda didn't waste time on pleasantries and got right to the point. "Etsuko, I'm...I just came here to apologize."

I sucked in two quick breaths and felt my heart speed up. I gazed at him in anticipation of his next words.

Matsuda continued, a little more confident now that he knew he had my attention. "If it wasn't for me brining you into this hotel, you probably wouldn't be here now. You'd probably be at home, with your aunt and cousins. But I was just so desperate to help out with, um...with Inspector Ryuga's investigation, that I blindly seized the opportunity to talk with you about your concerns regarding Light and...and didn't even think things through. Didn't even consider how it could affect you."

Matsuda paused and finally looked me in the eye. His eyes were startlingly open and honest; repentance and guilt were clearly displayed behind his brown irises. He displayed those emotions with no regret. He meant for me to see what he was feeling.

With a firmly sincere voice, he said, "And for all of that, I'm sorry."

My heart skipped a beat and I shakily inhaled a gulp of air. I swallowed a few times, trying to get rid of the feeling that was rising up my throat and behind my eyes. If I didn't say something soon, that feeling was going to be openly exposed for Matsuda to see. I couldn't have that.

I stammered, "Th-that's alright, Matsuda. It wasn't...it wasn't y-your fault. It just happened. It, it's alright..." I paused as I realized my emotional barriers were too weak to withhold the onslaught of emotion that was coming up my throat and pounding against my eyes. It was inevitable what was going to happen next. I couldn't continue. I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Before I knew it, I was crying. Not outright sobbing, but quiet, watery cries that wavered at the edge of my throat before being released. I attempted to cover up the tears that unyieldingly poured down my cheeks and dripped off my chin by burying my face within my hands. I turned away from Matsuda, trying to distance and contain my sorrow from him. But then again, it wasn't really sorrow I was experiencing. I didn't really know what I was experiencing, but hearing someone apologize to me for everything that had happened, for someone to actually say those two words, 'I'm sorry,' had released a dam within me that was uncontrollable.

I heard Matsuda come close to me and I tensed up as he placed a hesitant hand on my shoulder. He instantly removed it, as if he had touched a hot stove top, when he had felt how I had flinched from his touch. With my back to Matsuda still, too embarrassed to face him, I attempted to dry my eyes and to control my cries, but it was impossible. The horrifying results of the day had finally caught up with me and there was no other way I could respond. No other way for me to let out the frustration, worry, fear, and utter distress that I was experiencing.

I could see Matsuda fidget at the edge of my sight. He looked even more uncomfortable than he did when he had entered the room. His eyes were darting across the room, trying to figure out what to do. He could have just left the room and me crying there, but he didn't. He didn't. I believe he thought that he was the one who had caused my crying spell and, therefore, he felt responsible to calm me down.

That or Matsuda was just a decent guy who didn't like seeing people distressed and wanted to make me feel better, regardless of whose "fault" it was.

His eyes must have landed on my unpacked suitcase, because he suddenly exclaimed, "D-do you want me to help you unpack your suitcase?"

I sniffled and darted him a quick look before wiping furiously at my eyes, trying to make the tears stop. "What? I mean, um, pardon me?"

Matsuda covered up a slightly amused smile with his hand and then lowered it as he repeated, "Would you like some help with unpacking your suitcase? It looks like you have a lot of stuff to unload and could need some help."

I blinked rapidly, my tears temporarily stopped. I wiped away the remaining tear streaks on my face and inwardly groaned as I realized what a mess I must have looked like. Red face, frazzled hair, and sweat-soaked clothes...yeah, I was a really appetizing treat for the eyes.

But even though I was bothered by what I must have looked like, I was more bothered by Matsuda's face. He had looked hopeful that I would say 'yes,' but since I hadn't answered yet, his hopefulness was slowly morphing into disappointment. Even though I didn't feel all that comfortable unpacking my personal belongings with someone I didn't really know all that well, I didn't want to disappoint Matsuda. And this wasn't the type of desire to please someone simply because I didn't want to make myself look bad. I genuinely wanted to make Matsuda happy and didn't want to see that disheartened look on his face.

How strange...

"Um, o-okay," I mumbled as I grabbed a tissue from the desk and blew my nose into it, trying to get rid of that stuffy feeling inside my nostrils and back of my throat.

"Really?" Matsuda perked up, his face instantly brightening up. His sudden transformation from gloom to glee actually made me laugh a little. He was like an excitable puppy dog.

_A cute, excitable puppy dog._

I shook that random thought away, not knowing where it had come from, and repeated, "Yes. I'm going to have to do it eventually. I would...I would appreciate the help."

Miraculously, I was able to plant a small smile on my face. I couldn't believe that I was able to go from crying to smiling in such a short period of time. However, as Matsuda and I sat on the carpet and began folding sweaters and pants (I had quickly claimed one side of the suitcase when I had noticed all of my underwear located on that side...I would sort through those particular articles later) chatting away about pointless and superficial things, I began to wonder if he had anything to do with my swift change of mood.

**...**

**A/N: Wanted to end on a somewhat happier note, since most of this chapter was pretty serious. Let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: **_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Holy Shinigamis! I am sorry for the incredibly late update! I wouldn't be surprised if I turned some people away with my tardiness! Life has been all over the place for me for the past month (due to a bunch of undesirable aspects of reality), but I have not given this story up! I've got way too much of this thing plotted out to give up! I appreciate everyone who is still following this fic and who are reviewing as well! **

**Oh, and I wanted to "give" this chapter to Niharumari because she seriously motivated my butt to continue writing this chapter! Thanks, pal!**

Chapter 7

"_People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure."__ - Anonymous_

**...**

Sleep was a struggle that first night in captivity. I finally dozed off into a restless sleep at around 2:30 a.m. and naturally woke up around 5:00 a.m. The room was still dark when I stumbled out of bed and sauntered over to the dresser to grab some clean clothes. It was only after I exited the bathroom that I noticed a large, tan envelope peeking halfway through the bottom of the bedroom door. The light from the bathroom illuminated the corner of the envelope, as if a spotlight was beaming down on the mysterious package, accentuating the importance that seemed to be radiating from it.

After retrieving the package, I sat down at the little desk in the room and switched on a lamp. The envelope was addressed to me. Written in bold characters underneath my name were the words: _**Please read immediately upon receiving. The information is essential for your meeting today.**_

_Meeting?_

I slid the thick contents of the envelope out and began to read. It took me about fifteen minutes to read through everything contained in the envelope, and then another ten minutes to review.

It took me another additional five minutes to truly process what I had just read.

It took me one minute to swallow down all of my nervousness.

It only took one second for me to realize how much I was beginning to hate Inspector Ryuga.

**...**

The apartment was quite lovely. It was the type of place I would have liked for myself when I eventually moved out. But the new furniture and fully stocked fridge were all a sham. My unpacked suitcase in the bedroom down the hall was bogus. And the performance that I had just given was disgraceful.

After reading through the envelope's contents that morning, I had begun to pack my suitcase. The way I had carelessly tossed my belongings into the wide, gapping mouth of the suitcase was the only way I could express my bitterness and rage without causing a scene. It had taken every inch of control that I had within myself to not rip up the envelope and what it contained.

The strange thing was that I had known the night before that I would have to go through something like what was mentioned in the papers. But that knowledge hadn't softened the blow that arrived that morning in a neatly addressed envelope.

Inspector Ryuga, who I assumed had written the instructions contained in the package, had instructed me to be ready, along with my packed suitcase, by the bedroom door at 11:00 sharp. Matsuda would come and fetch me, as if I was some possession, and drive me to the apartment that was rented out by the NPA. The apartment that was masking as the lodgings where the "witness protection program" had placed me. The apartment that Aunt Sachiko, Light, and Sayu would come and visit me at.

Uncle had failed to mention to me the night before that I was going to be seeing my other relatives the next day, in order to explain to them what had happened, how I was doing, and to show them my new, temporary home.

I had done just that. I had followed Inspector Ryuga's lengthy and detailed script of what I was going to say to my family when I encountered them, how I was going to say it, and how I was going to behave. I believed I had done a disturbingly superb acting job.

I had had just enough distress and drama infused in my voice, words, and face when I had described to them the incident that had led to my placement in the program. I had been perfectly reassuring when I had explained how my parents were "just happy that I was safe and sound" and that I was looking forward to the experience of living on my own. I had graciously shown them the apartment and hospitably offered them some refreshments. I had sweetly smiled the whole time when they were being shown out the door after our visit, in order to show them how un-traumatized I was.

Looking back on how my aunt and cousins had entered the apartment with worry and unanswered questions, and how they had left looking somewhat reassured and relieved, I was almost proud with myself on how I had fooled them in believing that everything was okay, that I was alright.

Of course the whole visit had been monitored with cameras placed everywhere within the apartment and Matsuda had even been sitting in the apartment next door, waiting to drive me back to my real "home" when the visit had ended. I had been instructed to use the phone in the apartment to call Matsuda's cell phone when I was ready to leave.

Which was what I was currently supposed to be doing as I sat on the couch in the little living room section, admiring the apartment. Auntie, Light, and Sayu had just left about five minutes ago and I was struggling to arrange my tattered emotions. During the entire visit I had struggled to compose myself into the calm, polite girl that they were used to seeing. I only allowed my sadness to show through when it was appropriate, and only in little amounts. I had almost lost it when Aunt Sachiko had explained that they had been so worried when I hadn't come home. She had sent Light out to the university to see if I had remained at school late. I felt even worse when I found out that Light and Sayu were missing their lunch periods at school in order to come visit me. They had been, and continued to be, so concerned for me and I was repaying them by lying straight to their faces.

I felt like a traitor to my own family.

And it was all Inspector Ryuga's fault. He was the one who made me lie to them. He was the one who was making my life hell at the moment. He was the one who had the control and power.

He was the one who was probably watching me at that moment, sulking on the couch. I abruptly looked up at the ceiling and the corners in the room, trying to determine where the cameras may be. As upset as I was at that moment, I didn't want him to see my despair. He didn't deserve to see how vulnerable I was. I straightened up in my seat and tucked my hair behind my ears.

_You can't break me that easily. I'm stronger than you think. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of seeing how distressed I am. No one needs to know. No one needs to see. _

I reached for the phone sitting on the coffee table and retrieved the little piece of paper with Matsuda's number on it from my pocket.

Matsuda answered after the first ring.

"All ready to go?"

"Uh, well, not yet actually. I still need to pack all of my stuff back up." I cast a disgruntled look towards the end of the hallway where the bedroom was.

"Oh, that's okay! I'll come right over and help you pack!"

I stiffened and withheld a sigh. "Uh, that's very nice of you, Matsuda, but you helped me out yesterday and I don't want to be any trouble-"

"It's no trouble at all! Besides, I have to remain here until you're ready to leave anyways. Might as well help! I'll see you in a sec!"

Matsuda hung up and I momentarily let my composed countenance slip as I slouched into the couch cushions. As nice as Matsuda was being, I really wanted time to myself to digest the situation that had just occurred.

Then again, maybe it was for the best that Matsuda was going to help me pack, since he would distract me from thinking about how much I had lied to my family.

With Matsuda's help we packed up my suitcase in no time. Inspector Ryuga had instructed that I bring my suitcase to the apartment. It would have looked beyond suspicious if there weren't any of my belongings in the apartment. Although it made sense that I had to bring my things to the apartment for the charade, I couldn't help but feel angry that the time unpacking my luggage the night before had all been a waste of time.

Then again, I did enjoy my time spent talking with Matsuda when we were unpacking, so I guess it wasn't too much of a waste of time.

Matsuda seemed to sense that I wasn't in the mood to talk when we were packing up though. He tried chatting and I tried to contribute to the conversation, but he appeared to sense how forced my responses were and ceased from talking.

The car ride back to the hotel was in silence as well.

When we arrived back in the suite and Matsuda lugged my suitcase into the bedroom (he had insisted, even though I had told him I could manage; I still think he was blaming himself for the situation I found myself in), I broke the long silence that had been surrounding us.

"Um, do you think that I could, um, talk with Inspector Ryuga? It would be really quick. I just need to ask him something."

_The last thing I want to do is spend time talking to him longer than I need to._

Matsuda scratched his head and set his hands on his hips. His nose scrunched up slightly, as if he had an itch. He looked like he was thinking hard about something.

"Um, I don't actually know, Etsuko. He's usually pretty busy. Or I could just ask him whatever you wanted to ask him."

It was my turn to scrunch up my nose and think hard. It would be easier to just have Matsuda ask Inspector Ryuga and then I wouldn't have to encounter that weirdo. I nodded slowly and looked at Matsuda.

"Uh, well, if you're sure? I mean, sure! I just wanted to ask him if it would be alright if, well. You see, he had mentioned that I could have some visits with family members. In the apartment of course. He said that it wouldn't be often, but I thought if I asked him now, he would be able to tell me when I could, um, visit with my cousin. With Light."

Matsuda had nodded continuously while I had been talking, as if to reassure me that my request was completely reasonable. He smiled and said, "Sure! I'll ask him as soon as I see him. I'm sure he'll understand that it's important that you spend some time with family at the moment. For the support and all. I mean, even though you can't tell them that, well, you know. The whole story and all, but...you know."

I smiled sadly and nodded once. Although Matsuda sounded so confident that Inspector Ryuga would allow me to visit with Light, I didn't share his enthusiastic conviction.

_Inspector Ryuga doesn't seem like the type who believes in social support. He doesn't seem to understand or acquire any social manners, never mind trying to understand the importance of family in a time like this. _

But I didn't say any of this to Matsuda and said as I retrieved the handle of my suitcase from him, "Thanks, Matsuda. I really appreciate it. I'm sure you would do a better job talking to Inspector Ryuga than I would."

Matsuda blinked and attempted a smile, but it fell flat as he shrugged and said, "Oh, I don't know. I'll try my best though."

Maybe it was because of the time we had spent together unpacking and packing my suitcase that he felt comfortable enough telling me the next words that came out of his mouth.

"I don't think Inspector Ryuga thinks too highly of me, to tell you the truth."

I blinked and frowned a little, bothered by what Matsuda had just said. Before I could really think of how to phrase my words properly, I simply spouted out without thinking, "Well, he _should _think highly of you. You sacrificed your whole day to chauffeur me around and to help me out, even though that's not your duty as an officer. I didn't see him doing that. Or any of the other police officers."

Matsuda stared at me and looked a bit confused before letting his natural smile slip back onto his face. Albeit, his smile appeared almost shy-like, but it was there nonetheless. I, on the other hand, was mortified by how open and honest I had been. It sounded too forward and just, just...

"Uh, sorry, I mean, I meant that...um, it was very nice that you did all that for me today and you didn't have to, but you did and -"

Matsuda chuckled softly and waved one of his hands slightly in front of himself. "It was no bother, Etsuko. Just like it's no bother for me to go ask him."

I wanted to groan, hating how awkward I had to make everything, but Matsuda didn't seem bothered by my babbling. He flashed me a quick, reassuring smile before he exited the bedroom and I was left staring at the door that he had left through.

_Why was I so skitterish with my words? It was an easy compliment to make, so why did I babble so much? _

As I began to unpack my suitcase for the third time, I concluded that not getting enough sleep and not eating anything (I had been too nauseous before and during my visit with my relatives to eat anything) were the reasons why I had had difficulty speaking a couple of seconds ago.

My thoughts quickly changed to worrying ideas of Inspector Ryuga rejecting my request to visit with Light. It hadn't been hard to see that Light had had a lot of unanswered questions swirling around behind his eyes when he had visited with his mom and sister. Before they had left, he had quietly asked me if he could visit in the near future. To see how I was doing in a couple of days, he had explained. I had told him that I would run a date through the "program" and get back to him on when a good time would be to meet. I could tell that he didn't understand why I had to ask permission to visit with family. But, hopefully, I would have an explanation for him when he visited next time.

Or more like an excuse that Inspector Ryuga would make up for me to tell him.

My doubts that Inspector Ryuga would permit me a visit with my cousin hadn't ceased even after I finished unpacking. I sighed and sat on the ground, staring at nothing in particular.

It was the first day of who knew how many more days to come in confinement. A stark reality that made me queasy just thinking about it.

**...**

In those first two days of confinement, it appeared as if my doubts were completely legit.

Matsuda had informed me later on that same day that he had talked to Inspector Ryuga about my request, but I hadn't received any answer from that weirdo in two days. In fact, I didn't really have any type of meaningful human contact in those couple of days. Matsuda would sometimes pop his head into my room to say a brief "hello" before being called back into the main area of the suite by one of the other task force members. Uncle had attempted various times to talk with me about how I was feeling. We both found it awkward though sitting across from each other and trying to discuss the situation at hand. I was used to talking with him about how school was going and those sort of light topics, not about my emotions, which were an absolute mess. I couldn't bear to tell him how lonely and upset I was. Besides being too uncomfortable to tell him, I didn't want to heap on even more emotional baggage onto his shoulders. Every time I saw him he looked completely exhausted and was bleary-eyed with worry. He was worried about me and I was worried about him. Neither one of us would do each other any good talking to one another about our battered emotions.

The only other human contact I had was with some old man named Watari who would bring me my meals and ask if I needed any laundry done or such. At first I thought he worked for the hotel, but then realized that there was no way Inspector Ryuga would let a hotel employee into the suite, or else they would have to be confined as well. The man seemed too old and distinguished to be a police officer and his accent was foreign sounding like Inspector Ryuga's. I concluded that the only logical explanation was that he worked with Inspector Ryuga or something. Judging by the way he dressed in pristinely ironed suits and conducted himself in a gentlemanly way, I would have thought that he was a butler of some sort. But that was a ridiculous idea, since Inspector Ryuga had no need for a butler. What would a rude, manner-deficient slob possibly need a butler for?

I attempted to fill my emptiness by concentrating deeply on school. I would sit all day in front of the computer Inspector Ryuga had so "nicely" provided me with, furiously working and completing assignments long before they were due. I had nothing else that I could occupy my endless time with and also be preoccupied enough with that would distract me from thinking about my predicament.

When I could no longer stare at the computer screen (my eyes began to be chronically blood shot from staring at the screen all day), I would fill my time obsessively cleaning my room. It was a semi-effective distraction from reality.

I would fall asleep to the TV humming in the background, since I couldn't bear to fall asleep in silence, where frightening and distressing thoughts prowled and whispered. The drum of the television barely overpowered the worries that excessively tried to drown me.

And when I eventually did surrender to sleep, it was filled with disturbing dreams of me simply staring at my house in the distance and watching it grow ever smaller before disappearing completely. The dream would then continue with me just standing there, staring into the horizon, before I would wake up feeling restless and homesick.

Even my unconscious thoughts were filled with an aching desire to be freed from my hotel prison.

**... **

After two days of purgatory, it appeared that I would perhaps be allowed to walk in the realm of the living once again.

"He wants to speak to me about my request?" I couldn't help but sound shocked as I repeated Watari's words. He had calmly addressed me with those words as he had handed me my breakfast tray on the third day of confinement.

"Yes, Miss Yagami. After you finish your breakfast he would like a word with you about your request regarding visitation, if you have the time," Watari explained as he gracefully folded a small, cloth napkin and set it on the table before placing a tea pot down on it.

_Pfft, of course I have the time. I have too much time. At least he's finally getting around to talking with me. I guess I already knew that my requests were pretty far down below on his list of concerns._

I quickly ate my breakfast and tried to compose myself. I reversed what I was going to say and how I was going to act around him. I had the feeling that there were certain ways that I should act around Inspector Ryuga, and that if I did something or said something wrong he would instantly shoot me down and throw me back into my room, as if I was some toy that he was no longer interested in playing with.

Watari accompanied me to the main area of the suite and formally announced my presence to Inspector Ryuga, as if I was being introduced to royalty. The very thought was laughable and annoying at the same time. As if Inspector Ryuga possibly deserved such an introduction.

Watari's voice was smooth and thick with his foreign accent as he introduced me. "Miss Yagami is here to speak with you, Ryuga, in relation to her request for visitation rights."

I almost outwardly scoffed at the ridiculousness of Watari's words.

"_Visitation rights?" What am I, some criminal in a prison? I shouldn't have to ask anybody if it's okay to visit with my family._

After a second of consideration though, I realized that his choice of words were a lot more dead on than I would have liked to admit.

Inspector Ryuga slowly craned his neck and peaked over his shoulder at me. He was sitting all crouched in a chair and looked exactly the same as I had last seen him, same clothes and messed up hair and everything. He stared at me for a second before saying, "Of course. That will be all, Watari. Please take a seat, Miss Yagami."

Watari bowed and quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him. I remained standing for a second before slowly making my way to the couch and sitting down. Besides being annoyed with how Inspector Ryuga's words had sounded more like a command than an invitation, there was something else about his presence that made me uneasy. It was only the second time I found myself in his presence, so I couldn't say that I knew him well or that I understood his behaviour or actions (like anyone could). But I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something he was thinking deeply about. His eyes remained expressionless, which seemed to be one of his trademark features, but the way he was determinedly chewing on the edge of his thumb gave the impression that he was ruminating over something.

I finally shook the feeling away as he bent over the coffee table to retrieve the coffee pot, his spindly, white fingers curling around the pot handle. I shivered at the sight of those bony digits. Even his fingers creeped me out.

_How did he ever get a position in law enforcement with the way he looks and acts? I guess, if he really does work for the FBI or CIA, they hired him for his unthreatening, unsuspecting presence. Good for undercover work I guess. _

Inspector Ryuga began to speak as he poured himself a cup of coffee, "You have a close relationship with your cousin Light, isn't that so, Miss Yagami?"

I blinked and my brow creased slightly. His question seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, quickly and abruptly. As if he had been holding his words in for a considerable amount of time and now he was finally able to release them.

I answered confidently, not allowing my nervousness and confusion to slip through, "Yes."

Inspector Ryuga's hand, which was clutching the coffee pot, froze in midair for a second. My eyes glanced at the other cup sitting on the table. He hesitated for a couple more seconds before he gently set the pot down on the table and began shovelling spoonfuls of sugar out of the sugar bowl. My fingernails tightened their grip on my knees as I tried not to huff in annoyance.

_He graciously pours himself a cup, but completely disregards his guest. So rude. _

Inspector Ryuga was obviously not hung up on his lack of manners as he continued steadily on, "And you and Light discuss a wide range of topics, confide in one another?"

I tried to figure out exactly what he was trying to get at (if he was trying to get at anything at all) as he took a long, noisy sip of his coffee. I didn't sound as confident as I had before, feeling slightly tense from the tone of interrogation that tinted his voice.

"Yes, we...we talk about a lot of things." I nodded for good measure, feeling like I had to convince him or something.

Inspector Ryuga took another lengthy slurp of his drink before he set it down and replied in a rush, "Which explains why you want to visit him so soon after seeing him."

I disciplined my voice to answer smoothly, "Yes, that's why."

I was on edge though. Inspector Ryuga had tried to make his last sentence sound like a conclusion, a wrap-up of the prior questions he had posed. But his explanatory last sentence sounded more like an after-thought than a firm conclusion. It was as if he had added that last sentence for shows sake, and not for any real purpose.

Added it for my sake?

I banished the weird thoughts away, concluding that I had misinterpreted his tone.

_But still...he had sounded like he had already known that Light and I were close and that he was just making sure. Making sure? But how would he have –_

I quickly jolted my head around to the side of the room where the TV monitors were. Or where they had been. Every monitor was gone and the wall was bare and plain compared to how it had looked a couple of days ago, when it had been bejewelled by numerous bright, sparkling TV screens.

The windows into the Yagami household were no more.

Inspector Ryuga followed my gaze and blankly explained, "The screens are in another room. I realized they would have been a distraction for you, Miss Yagami."

I was offended by his words. It wasn't fair that it took days for me to receive an answer as to whether I could see my family or not, whereas total strangers were allowed to watch my family whenever they felt like it. Moving the TV screens from my line of sight further distanced me from my relatives.

_He probably wants to hoard them all to himself, watching them. Watching Light, remember, because Light had more cameras in his room and why –_

"The monitors have nothing to do with this conversation, Miss Yagami. You're here to discuss visiting Light, isn't that right?"

My attention was drawn away from the sparse wall and my eyes briefly looked into Inspector Ryuga's. I quickly looked away, not like looking into his dark, unreadable eyes.

"Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Inspector Ryuga." My voice came out soft and sweet, masking my annoyance at his habit of phrasing questions into already known answers. He knew darn well why I had asked to talk with him. He had known two days ago.

_Just keep it smooth. You've already gone over this. Just act calm and polite. That's how you're going to get what you want._

"Hm, yes. Well, there really isn't anything to discuss, Miss Yagami." Inspector Ryuga absently said, as he fiddled with the opening of his jeans pocket.

As much as it pained me to hear his denial of my request, I had been expecting such a response and drove head long into my plea that I had prepared earlier on.

"Inspector Ryuga, may I just say that I-"

"Because I have already decided that you will have a short visit with your cousin tomorrow."

The words I had intended to speak froze in my throat and were promptly swallowed down as I processed what he had said. It didn't take me long to understand that I had actually gotten what I wanted. It was much easier than I thought it was going to be.

_Huh, maybe Inspector Ryuga isn't as socially unaware as I thought he was. It seems he does understand, even a little, that I should be able to visit, that I _need_ to visit, family. _

Underneath my surprise and happiness though, there was a niggling feeling of suspicion. After being so strict and picky a couple of days ago with the plans for my confinement, it seemed peculiar that Inspector Ryuga would be so easy going with my request to visit Light.

I had thought that thought too soon.

Before I could get one word out in response, Inspector Ryuga pulled out a folded piece of paper from his jeans pocket and unfolded it slowly with the tips of his fingers. He laid it on the table and his hands resumed their customary spot on his bent knees.

"If you would please review the questions and topics laid out on that piece of paper, Miss Yagami, before your visit with your cousin, it would be most appreciated. They will aid you in your conversations with Light," Inspector Ryuga mumbled over the rim of his cup, the last part of his sentence being somewhat drowned out by his atrocious slurping.

I didn't even try to conceal my confused expression. Only a second went by though before I disciplined my face back into the calm expression it had worn before. However tempting it was to reach across the table and look at the piece of paper, I had quickly decided to take a stance. I felt like I owed it to myself and to Light to say something.

I focused my eyes slightly above Inspector Ryuga's eyes, probably where his hidden eyebrows were located. It was the closest to eye contact I could make with him. I cleared my voice and said graciously, "Thank you, Inspector Ryuga, but I don't need this piece of paper. My cousin and I discuss all sorts of things and don't need suggestions as to what to talk about." I hesitantly touched the edge of the paper with my fingertips and slowly pushed the paper back an inch towards him. It was a polite and simple refusal, but I thought it made my point quite clear.

Because I was looking slightly above Inspector Ryuga's eyes, I couldn't exactly tell what type of expression he was wearing. I did notice, however, that he set his cup down a little harder than usual. It was little more than a clumsy clink of his cup connecting with the saucer, but coming from someone who moved so silently, it was as if he had crashed his cup down hard.

I realized when he spoke that he was, indeed, annoyed with my lack of cooperation.

"I'm sure that in normal circumstances, Miss Yagami, freely conversing with your cousin would be adequate. However, it is that very honesty and intimacy that you share with your cousin that puts you in a risky position. Without intending to, you may reveal details of your current situation." His voice carried a hint of intimidation which came out sounding gravelly. As much as I hated to admit it, he was succeeding at rattling my nerves a bit. I wagered that he wasn't a stranger to intimidation. He was able to expertly mask that hint of warning by overshadowing it with a calm, almost reasonable tone of voice. As if it he was trying to convince you that it was all in your imagination that you heard an undertone of threat emanating from his voice.

He carried on in that unsettling tone of fake decency and well-meaning. "Therefore, these questions and conversation topics are provided to give you something to introduce and discuss if you feel the urge to break confidentiality." He concluded by pushing the paper back an inch towards me, his fingertips barely even brushing over the surface of the paper.

My eyes slowly lowered and gazed at the paper sitting in front of me. I squirmed in my seat and let out a tiny gasp of a sigh before picking the paper up and looking it over. As much as I hated to admit it, his words did hold some truth to them. I was going to find it very difficult to refrain from telling Light about my situation. It had been difficult when I had visited with him, Sayu, and Aunt Sachiko, but it had been relatively easy compared to what I probably was going to experience tomorrow. I had still been numb from the shock of it all a few days ago. After three days though, my mind was beginning to feel sensation again. The same went for my mouth.

The questions and topics listed seemed pretty standard enough. Asking about school, preparation for the university entrance exams, family matters. It was the type of questions listed near the bottom of the page that I had an issue with.

I made an effort to steady my voice as I asked, "Are these questions, um, necessary? 'How's the bullying at your school? Have there been any trouble with those boys?' Light isn't having any issues with bullying at school, so why would I ask him something like this?"

I couldn't help my voice from quivering at the end of my question and my hands twitched slightly, making the paper rustle in my grip. It was something that didn't escape Inspector Ryuga's sharp eyes.

"There's no need to become overly flustered, Miss Yagami," he quietly murmured around his thumb, which was wedged over his lip.

"_Overly flustered?" I'm restraining myself. Believe me, you don't want to see me when I'm overly flustered. You got a sneak peek of it a couple of days ago._

He continued on in his flat voice, "I do remember what you told me about Light not being bothered by a group of schoolmates. However..." He paused here to drain the rest of his coffee before pinching a sugar cube out of a bowl and popping it into his mouth. He spoke around the cube, his tongue slowly wrapping and twisting around it like some sort of pinkish slug on a pebble. The sucking sounds that he made as he savoured the sugar cube rattled the very foundation of my patience.

After what felt like a very long time of him languidly sucking on the sugar cube, he continued on. "Considering the frightening and threatening situation that you happened upon on campus, it would be perfectly normal to ask such a question. It would only be natural for you to ask your cousin, who you care for so deeply, if he's in any danger of encountering or witnessing something similar at his school. Especially in a school so heavily populated with supporters and followers of Kira."

Quite unexpectedly, Inspector Ryuga stuck out his tongue. The sugar cube, which had shrunk considerably, rested on the tip of his tongue. He carefully picked it up with two fingers, looked at it for a second as if analyzing such foreign substance, and then popped it back into his mouth and began sucking on it again. My knuckles cracked as I bent them back slowly, my hands becoming small fists against my knees. I was trying desperately to restrain my annoyance and disgust.

Inspector Ryuga concluded, looking me straight in the eye. "In fact, it would be rather strange for you to not ask such questions after the experience you encountered."

My throat made a soft click as I realized why he was looking me in the eye. He was trying to convey something to me. Something that, for the first time probably, he wanted me to actually see and understand behind his impenetrable irises.

Those written out questions weren't just suggestions – they were requirements. He didn't just want me to rely on those questions _if_ I was in a tight spot, he was _ordering_ me to use them, to ask them. And that if I didn't, things wouldn't go well for me. His message was shockingly transparent. His intense, warning stare conveyed nothing else.

Regrettably, there was no explanation for such an order behind his eyes. That was purely confidential information that only he was allowed to "see." Only a glimpse was what I was allowed to witness.

Suddenly all my annoyance vanished and was replaced with a nauseating sense of fear. It was the same feeling I had experienced when I had realized that there were a considerable amount of cameras filming Light's room. It was a fear of the unexplainable, of what was secret, of something deeper than anything I had witnessed yet.

Inspector Ryuga released me from his captive gaze and began to pour himself another cup of coffee. After filling his cup to the very top, he calmly pinched the paper from my fingers and folded it nicely before placing it on the edge of my knee.

Softly, he said, "I believe we're on the same page, Miss Yagami?"

He flashed me a quick glance and I read in his eyes what his mouth didn't say: _Do you understand my orders, Miss Yagami?_

I swallowed away the dry feeling in my throat and replied timidly, "Yes, Inspector Ryuga. I-I understand." I emphasized my last word, conveying that I did indeed understand what he was silently ordering me to do.

He studied my face for a second over the rim of his cup before saying, "Good. If you have no further questions, then you are excused. I have important work to get to."

Without waiting to see if I had any more questions, he silently "uncrouched" himself from the chair and shuffled over to a laptop sitting on another table off to the side of the room. He turned the screen slightly to the side, away from my sight. He spoke to the screen and a few seconds later Watari was at the door, ready to accompany me back to my room.

I sneaked a glance back over my shoulder at Inspector Ryuga as I slowly headed to the door. I tried conveying my own silent message to the back of his head.

_I hate how you can intimidate me into asking those questions. I hate how you think you can control me. _

As if he could sense my sidelong stare at the back of his head, he turned slowly around to face me when I was at the door, and in only a few seconds worth of a glance, he was able to "reply" to my silent irritations with a stiffly confident look of his own, as if he could read my mind.

_You'll do what I tell you to do. You're too weak to resist._

Biting my lip in silent rage at his impertinent stare, I quickly whipped my head around and exited the room, not wanting to admit to myself that he was right.

**...**

"Would you like another cookie, Light?"

"No. Thank you, Etsuko."

I smiled and set the plate of almond cookies on the coffee table before plunking myself down on the couch across from Light. I sighed contentedly to myself, enjoying being in the moment. For the past half hour since Light had arrived at the apartment, I had felt like things were somewhat normal again. As if we were sitting in each other's rooms, talking about stuff and just enjoying each other's company. I had dutifully asked him some of Inspector Ryuga's questions about school and the family, although I had intended to ask them whether Inspector Ryuga had ordered me to or not. I was trying to ignore the other questions that he wanted me to bring up, but I knew that I would eventually have to ask them. I didn't want to imagine what he would do if I didn't.

Light returned the smile, his lips crinkling upwards on one side. A signature Light smile. Not a full-faced grin, but a confident, almost smirkish type of smile. Just the appearance of it made me feel nostalgic, as if it had been years since I had last seen that type of smile. Four days in captivity had been a lifetime that was only going to get longer.

He leaned back and draped his arms across the back of the couch. He breathed out and looked intently at me.

"So, you really enjoy living here? I thought that you wouldn't like the solitary nature of having an apartment all to yourself."

Light knew me too well. Moving into an apartment had always worried me. Being all by myself with no one there. Strangers living right behind your walls. Not having someone to turn to instantly if there was trouble or danger. But I lied through my teeth, hoping that he would change the topic of conversation.

"I don't mind it. It's okay." My voice trembled slightly and I smiled shakily. I could feel the blood draining from my cheeks and my lips were itching to mold into a frown. How desperately I wanted to tell him that I hated where I was living currently, how the apartment wasn't even my new home. That all of it was a lie.

Light easily sensed the distress that I was trying to conceal. Several seconds went by before he leaned forward slightly and adorned a concerned expression. He cleared his throat, sniffed, and then gently asked, "Is everything okay?"

My eyes instantly darted to his. He stared right back, unblinking. With no warning, a huge wave of nostalgia washed over me. I almost wanted to laugh at how sudden it had appeared.

_I can't believe he remembered. It's been ages since we last did that, did this – I'm happy that he still knows it. It was only ours. Our secret. _

When Light and I were kids we came up with our own secret way of communicating with one another. Sort of a cryptic way of conveying different messages to one another that other people wouldn't be able to interpret unless they knew the signs and rules of our secret code. It was a way we could talk to each other without the adults knowing what we were _really_ saying. A mischievous invention that we had delighted in when we were children. We had ceased from communicating in our code years ago.

I couldn't believe that he still remembered it.

A few seconds of silence, a cough, and a sniff: _I'm starting a conversation. You in?_

I shifted a bit to the right side and then to the left. It was my reply: _I'm part of the conversation._

Light refrained from smiling, but his eyes twinkled with satisfaction. He was happy that I had remembered the secret code as well.

As soon as he had captured my attention, his eyes discreetly glanced at different corners in the room. As if he was lazily looking around the apartment. His intentions soon became clear and I discovered what he had really been asking me when he had asked his question: Is everything okay?

Discreetly looking around at one's surroundings: _Someone's watching us. _Prior words phrased as a question:_ Is someone watching us?_

From the way his eyes solely focused on the corners in the room for a few seconds at a time, I wagered that he was suspicious that there were cameras tucked away in the apartment. I swallowed back a glob of spit in my throat and thought of Inspector Ryuga and his precious confidentiality. I stared into Light's imploring, genuine eyes and rested my faith in our cryptic codes.

_There's no way Inspector Ryuga would understand what we're talking about. _

I took the leap and answered.

"Yes. Everything's alright." I nodded twice: _"Yes" to both the posed question and hidden question. I'm alright and someone is watching us._

Light continued steadily on, "Really? _I'm glad_." Light's voice had grown slightly softer, but continued on in normal range. "I have to say I'm _**surprised**_, Etsuko, what with all of these _**unexpected**_events and changes you've had to experience."

Most of what he had said was just cover up. I quickly pinpointed the inflections and words that mattered.

Lowering the voice in volume is expressing the opposite of what was actually said. "_I'm glad" really means "I'm upset." _

Lowering the voice in tone gives hints to the true response, to which words should be focused on: _"Surprise" and "Unexpected" had been uttered in a lower register._

To sum it up, I interpreted Light's message as: _Really? Someone is watching us? I'm not too impressed with this. I'm surprised and it seems quite unexpected. _

I processed all of these things rapidly and the conversation continued on.

I steadily answered back, "Me, too, actually. I'm just trying to adapt as best I can, I guess." I shrugged at the end of my sentence.

Shrugging of the shoulders: _It's unnecessary._

My full response: _I'm surprised and shocked by the cameras as well. They're unnecessary._

Light quickly formulated his next response. "My dad must be around to keep you company at times though, right?" Light sniffed and slowly breathed out through his nose. His eyes glanced once more around the room.

His answer was a trickier one to decipher, but I swiftly interpreted it as Light's eyes settled on mine.

Sniff and slowly breathing out through nose: _What is the person who was mentioned in the last sentence up to? _

In relation to the response Light gave: _What is my dad up to?_

The brief glances that Light was gracing the room modified my interpretation: _Is my dad watching through the cameras in the room? Is he involved with all of this, with your situation?_

I hesitated. I didn't know how to answer. How could I communicate to Light that his dad was involved, but at the same time completely powerless when it came to my predicament? That some crazy, foreign inspector was the one pulling the strings?

A deeper part of me realized that it wasn't simply that I didn't know how to answer, but that I was unsure if I wanted to answer at all. Perhaps it was because I was worried that my answer would end up being "lost in translation." As I glanced quickly at the corners in the room, another potential explanation surfaced. What if Inspector Ryuga actually could figure out our little coded messages; sometimes it seemed he could reach right through and actually read my thoughts just by staring at me. I couldn't imagine what he would do if he knew that I had already revealed to Light that there were cameras in the room. He would never let me visit again, he would lock me up and throw away the key, he would lock up Light -

Or perhaps it had something to do with the way Light was looking at me. He was casually leaning back in the couch and had a calm, peaceful look on his face, but his eyes blazed with something vague and sharp. Flashes of something would briefly cross his pupils and his eyes would occasionally harden and pierce into mine. At first I thought his look was one of avid curiosity, but I worriedly concluded that it wasn't an intense stare of healthy inquisitiveness, but one of obsession. Gnawing, coarse obsession.

I shivered unconsciously and briefly broke eye contact with my cousin. Before I could decide how to answer, or if I wanted to answer at all, my mouth made up my decision for me.

"No. He's not." I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly continued without even thinking, "He's too busy working on the Kira case to spend a lot of time with me. Rightfully so." A small trill of nervous laughter spilled forth and I timidly offered Light a smile.

_No, he's not watching our conversation. He's not involved with my situation._

Light's face fell into disappointment for a split second before he recovered his calm countenance. His apparent regret with my answer confused me.

_Surely Light understands that uncle is way too busy trying to catch Kira to spend time working on a "protection program" for harassed university students. Even if I am his niece, he wouldn't dedicate his time and effort on such a program when Kira is out there massacring people. Why does he seem so disappointed that uncle isn't working on the false protection program? Or...or could it be that he suspects something? That he suspects that perhaps... that perhaps –_

"It must get pretty lonely." Light smiled sadly and crossed his right foot over his left.

Light's words had nothing to do with his real response. It all had to do with his actions.

Crossing of the right foot over the left foot: _Are you sure?_

_Are you sure that uncle isn't watching, isn't involved?_

I was more than just confused now - I was concerned. Why wasn't Light taking my answer seriously? Didn't he believe me when I said that uncle wasn't involved? Could he honestly see through my lie, even though part of it was truthful?

All I needed was one look from him to confirm my worries. It was a look of concerned disappointment. Disappointment in me. And lingering stealthily behind that displeasure was something darker and deeper. It seemed familiar, as if I had seen it from somewhere before. A look that could only be described as _knowing_. Knowing that what they were being told was not completely trustworthy and truthful. Knowing that there was something more. Arrogantly knowing that they would find out what the other person was hiding.

With sudden clarity, I realized with dread where I had seen such a look before. When I had lied to Inspector Ryuga about Light and those schoolmates of his, that there was nothing to worry about. He had given me the same look, that look that told me that he knew I was lying to him and that he would find out the truth, even if he had to rip it out of me.

A soft gasp whooshed through my lips and I shut my eyes closed for a split second. When I reopened them, that look had disappeared from Light's eyes. His eyes only reflected concern and care where bitter disappointment (and that _knowing_) had been before. He leaned forward and softly whispered, "Are you okay, Etsu?"

I closed my eyes a second time and a small smile of relief crossed my face. Hearing his gentle voice, hearing my nickname, brought me back from the confusion and dread. I opened my eyes and saw his genuine concern and my smile grew bigger.

_I've been cooped up for too long. I can't even read my own cousin's expressions anymore. Light is just concerned and disappointed that I have to put up with cameras and being lonely and –_

"You don't look okay, Etsuko. They should let you visit more often. What type of program is this where they don't even allow you to visit family whenever you want?"

I could tell that Light was trying to be helpful and was only being concerned, but the first image (the first memory) that came to my mind was Inspector Ryuga telling me I wouldn't be able to visit often. Like a wave of severe nausea, the urge to vomit forth the truth of what type of "program" exactly I was involved in travelled swiftly up my throat until it was hovering at the very tip of my tongue. My brain kicked in and I spouted forth the first thing that would save me from breaking confidentiality, that would save me from the wrath of Inspector Ryuga.

"How's the bullying at your school? Are those boys causing any trouble?"

Light's forehead crinkled and he shifted a bit back in his seat. "Where did that come from, Etsuko?"

He sounded genuinely perplexed by my abrupt change of topic. I would clarify for him.

My words came out in a rush.

"It's just that your school has a lot of anti-Kira bullying and I was just wondering if it's been affecting you or-r-r – not affecting you! And if it's getting worse and, and, um, and...um, yeah. Just wondering, because of what I witnessed, you know, on campus. It's been on my mind lately...that's all."

My rambling had given Light enough time to mould his face back into the composed, controlled expression he had worn before. Only now I could see his left eyebrow twitching ever so slightly. The only indication that there was something a bit askew with his calm and cool facade.

His answer was quiet and short. "It's _**still going on like before**_. It's nothing serious though." A slight shift of the right side.

Lowering the voice in tone: _We're still going to continue on like before with the prior conversation. _

Shifting the right side meant: _Back to the prior topic. _

He was essentially telling me the same thing twice with his tone and actions. He really didn't want to talk about the boys at his school. I carried on though, more so because I was concerned about how much Light was avoiding the topic, and not as much because Inspector Ryuga wanted me to ask such questions.

_How much do you want to bet that those boys are bothering him? No wonder he wants to avoid this topic of conversation._

"Have those boys been, you know, hanging around you often? Walking with you home after school?" I softly asked, trying to be as non-interrogative as I could be. I slouched a bit in the pillows, trying to act relaxed and normal.

Light's eyebrow froze in mid-twitch and slowly lowered. He shrugged and smoothed some wrinkles in his jeans (I almost had forgotten that code: _don't worry_) before answering smoothly, "They haven't been around much. I guess they're _**getting tired**_ of me trying to convince them that Kira is evil." A subtle flash of annoyance crossed his eyes; it was gone before I could barely comprehend it.

Shrugging of the shoulders, smoothing down pants, lowering tone of voice.

_This topic is unnecessary. There's nothing to worry about. I'm getting tired of this conversation._

The flash of annoyance had no cryptic code connected to it. It represented exactly what it was. Irritation.

He shifted once more a little to his right.

_Back to the prior topic._

With hesitation, I slowly rested my hands in my lap and my fingers entwined. Light noticed the cue.

_May we end the coded conversation, please?_

Light raised his left eyebrow, held it for three seconds, and then lowered it.

_Why?_

He also spoke, trying to decrease the silence that had been carrying on for too long since he had last spoken. "Etsuko?"

I answered both of his questions, both with words and actions. "_**I'm sorry**_. Lost in thought for a second. I'm happy to hear that. What with all of the bullying at your school, hearing you say that..._makes me feel a lot more at rest." _Last part of last sentence quieter, a quick glance around the apartment, and a crooked, half smile to finish it off.

_I'm sorry. I don't feel comfortable talking like this right now. It's risky with the cameras. Please?_

My answer was a 100% truthful. We were starting to get rusty with our code; too long of silences that droned on while we tried to decipher and find a way to cryptically respond. And there was something more. An intense, charged vibe in the air. A vibe of more than just annoyance that was radiating from Light.

Light slowly exhaled and folded his hands in his lap. His fingers coming together. The end of the conversation.

Well, _almost_ the end. He had one more message to convey to me.

A cheerless smirk suddenly appeared on his face. He looked up and this time he didn't disguise the disappointment in his eyes when he stared straight at me.

"I understand that you would feel that way. It makes me happy to hearyousay that, cousin."

He didn't need to alter his voice in order for me to determine that he didn't understand. He didn't have to alter his voice in order for me to realize the absolute lie behind his words.

**...**

Light left shortly afterwards. He appeared to have gotten over our abrupt ending to our "conversation." I believed that he wasn't annoyed anymore with how I had taken charge and swung the conversation my way. He was too mature to be hung up on something like that.

He confirmed this belief right before he exited the apartment. He had unexpectedly given me a tight hug before he had left. It must have been his way of silently apologizing for his irritation earlier on. I believed we had left on good terms. I purposely forgot about the intense, uncomfortable moments between us during our visit.

Things continued to be even more unexpected when I returned to the hotel and Inspector Ryuga asked me how my visit with Light had been. It was weird that he would ask me such a question, since I was pretty sure he had watched the whole thing. But what was almost more confusing was that he had even bothered to ask me such a question.

_He didn't ask me how my first visit had gone. The one with Aunt Sachiko, Sayu, and Light. Why is he now showing interest in how my interactions with my family are going? Or more like, how my interactions with Light are going?_

"Fine. It was very nice to see him so soon after seeing him earlier this week." I paused and decided to bow politely. It couldn't hurt to be polite if it would potentially butter him up to be as accommodating the next time I wanted to visit with Light. "Thank you, Inspector Ryuga, for allowing me to visit with my cousin."

Inspector Ryuga jolted me out of my sickly gracious bow with his next words.

"Hm, yes. You may visit him next week if you'd like to, Miss Yagami."

I stuttered out, hoping that I had heard him right, "R-really, Inspector Ryuga? Th-thank you! I'm, I'm very grateful that you-"

"Yes, yes. I know. You'll still have questions and conversation topics though."

"Th-that's alright. I, um, I can manage that." At that point, I didn't care if I had to ask certain questions or not. I was just thrilled that he was being so obliging in allowing me to visit Light! That he was being so accommodating in allowing me to experience a little chunk of normalcy which I felt when I was with my cousin.

Inspector Ryuga nodded slowly, apparently satisfied with my agreement and promptly dismissed me. I happily was led to my room, where I instantly took a pen and marked potential dates on the calendar on the wall on when I may be able to visit with Light. On when I would be able to savour that delightful taste of normalcy again.

**...**

And I did taste it. I did visit with Light again. And again. And again. And even again.

Four times over the following two weeks. Four times being able to enjoy myself in the company of my dearest cousin. Four times I was able to experience that high of normalcy.

Four different set of questions and conversation topics. Four times I grudgingly, but willingly posed them to Light. I would ask them if it meant I could continue seeing him as frequently as Inspector Ryuga was allowing me to.

Although...

After the first visit, I began to question the very questions he had given me to ask.

After the second visit, my questioning morphed into worry and concern that had me up at night. Worries and concerns that eventually transformed into a suspicion.

After the third visit, I began to contemplate how I would express such a suspicion to that eccentric inspector behind my bedroom walls. (_If I actually do want to – no I have to! Or wait, do I want to? No, I really do, because if I'm wrong, then alright. But if I'm right, then God help me -)_

After the fourth visit, my decision was made as I stood facing Inspector Ryuga's crouched back. Unknowingly, my opening words to Inspector Ryuga would begin a downward spiral that I would never truly be able to climb up again.

"I thought that I should tell you, Inspector Ryuga, that he's not going to just come out and say it. It's going to take more than this for Light to reveal what you want him to."

**...**

**A/N: Well, hopefully this chapter was worth the wait and if it wasn't then please let me know so that I can make the next one better! ;) **


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: **_**I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Phew! I actually got this in on Sunday! I was determined to get this chapter posted before the weekend ended and I made it at 8:40 p.m. Originally, there was going to be more to this chapter, but, as it always seems to happen, I write too much than I intended and need to cut the chapter short. Still hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 8

"_No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." – Eleanor Roosevelt_

**...**

Inspector Ryuga slowly swivelled his head as far as it would turn to stare at me from the corner of his eye. He held me frozen in his captive gaze. I felt the first bead of sweat trickle down my temple.

"Care to repeat that, Miss Yagami?"

I gulped and felt my heart patter uncomfortably against my chest. I slowly exhaled through my slightly parted lips. I repeated almost word for word what I had prepared yesterday evening as I had tried to fall asleep.

"I-I thought that I should tell you that he's not going to just come out and say it. It's going to take more than this for Light to reveal what you want him to."

Inspector Ryuga had now completely turned in his chair and was gripping the back of the chair with his spindly fingers, his dark interrogative eyes boring into my own.

"Hm. And what do you mean by that, Miss Yagami?" His voice retained the same detached quality that I was becoming increasingly accustomed to. Surprisingly though, there was a faint lilt at the end of his sentence, which made it actually sound like he was posing a question. As if he wasn't completely sure what the answer was for once.

I breathed slowly in and held my breath for one tense second.

_Just like you've rehearsed. You've got this._

"You've been making me ask Light questions about all sorts of things, but there always seem to be a few topics and questions in regards to the bullying at his school. Or the views that those boys hold about Kira. And the views that Light has regarding Kira and the harassment. I couldn't understand at first why there was such a focus on these topics. I didn't understand why you gave me questions to ask Light, but not when I visited with my aunt and Light's sister that day. Or, at least, I didn't want to understand."

I paused and Inspector Ryuga surprisingly didn't break the silence with some patronizing or know-it-all remark. He silently listened on. I softly continued.

"I was also under the impression when I first heard...the rules, that I would not be able to have many visits with family. However, you've been quite, uh...generous, Inspector Ryuga (_did I just say that?)_ with allowing me to visit my cousin so often. In fact, it seems like you _want_ me to visit him. After I come back from a visit, you always tell me when I can visit again and ask me how I thought the visit went. You, um, you didn't show this much interest when I visited with my aunt and other cousin that day."

Inspector Ryuga didn't move an inch, but his eyes had become fiercer, as if they were warning me not to go any further with my words. Warning me that to tread any further would be unwise.

I mentally pushed myself onwards, ignoring his silent threat. If he was actually warning me. Perhaps it was just my case of nerves.

"And then there are those cameras in Light's room. You, you probably didn't think I noticed, but, but I did. There are more cameras in his room than the other rooms in the house. I tried to push that confusing and concerning realization away, but it fits with the things I just mentioned. It all fits..."

After a beat of silence, as I tried to gather my thoughts and organize my carefully planned words together, Inspector Ryuga curled his thumb over his bottom lip and monotonously asked, "And what exactly have you figured out, Miss Yagami?"

I avoided his gaze and stared fixedly at my shoe laces. I tried to convulsively swallow the lump in my throat, but it wouldn't budge, and I felt another droplet of perspiration glide down my face.

"Those questions and topics aren't a safety precaution in case I feel like revealing the truth to my cousin. They're aimed at getting an answer, at having something revealed."

My fingers flexed back and forth, eager to twist and turn my shirt sleeves.

"Being accommodating and interested in my visits with Light don't have to do with being, um...courteous. You're curious about something, trying to get at something through my responses, through my visits."

My heart rose from pattering to racing.

"And the large amount of cameras in Light's room isn't a safety measure. They're watching him, watching to see if he..." And suddenly the words that I couldn't find before came to me. I whispered them, almost fearing them.

"...slips up."

My chest heaved with the burden of words within my throat and I forced them out. I pictured them tumbling to the carpet, lying piled up at my feet. Evidence of my epiphany.

"You're in charge of investigating Kira-related harassment at schools and universities in the city. Of talking to both victims, witnesses, and...and perpetrators. Isn't that right, Inspector Ryuga?"

He didn't answer me. His anticipating silence was all I needed to finish, to finally voice my frightening insight. I shakily breathed out and courageously stared him in the eye.

"And you think you've found one, that you have one right underneath your nose. You believe that Light, that my cousin-"

My breath hitched in my throat and my words sputtered forth with my breath.

" – is one of the perpetrators of Kira-related harassment."

My eyes instantly fell back to my shoes. I couldn't tame the urge and I frantically grasped a handful of my jeans and wrung the material. I felt somewhat relieved after the words had escaped my mouth, but it was swiftly replaced with anxiety as I hesitantly snuck a glance at Inspector Ryuga.

It shouldn't have surprised me to see the bland, expressionless stare that he always wore gazing right back at me. He hadn't moved an inch. His thumb remained perched on his lip, the shiny gleam of drool coating his thumb pad. The only indication that he was a living, breathing human being, was the sound of a tiny, wisp of a sigh escaping his lips.

Hours later I would try to interpret the emotion that lay behind that almost inaudible sigh. Was it tiredness, frustration...relief?

But at that moment, I wasn't given time to construe any meaning behind his exhaling breath, because he finally spoke, "You believe that I suspect your cousin of participating in Kira-related bullying?"

There it was again. That subtle lilt at the end of his sentence, making his words sound like a genuine question.

"Well, yes. It-it explains it all. You watch Light via the cameras when he's at home and when he's visiting with me. And you question him using me. It would seem, um, that you're investigating him. And you're doing so because you think he's, well, either a victim, witness, or a perpetrator. And based off of the questions you've been posing, the intense scrutiny you've been employing, and the extent that you've gone to in the...investigation of my cousin, I happen to suspect, um...regrettably suspect that you believe him to be a perpetrator."

I took breath and drove headlong into my next wave of words, refusing to back down. Not after all of the overanalyzing and phrasing and rehearsing I had done before meeting with Inspector Ryuga. I took the plunge into my next suspicion.

"You may want me in confinement because I would, um...according to you, blab confidential information. But I think the main reason is so that I can...interrogate Light for you. He's my cousin, I've known him for a long time and know him well. I am able to read his facial expressions and his pattern of voice when he speaks, when he answers those questions. He trusts me. Instead of asking him yourself, you've been using me to get him to speak, to confess. Y-you probably think there's a better chance that he'll answer, that he'll tell the truth, to me, instead of to you or to another officer. And you'll have the whole thing on camera (_you think you can just crouch back in that chair of yours and watch Light confess, while I do all of your dirty work. Doing your dirty work unknowingly, unsuspectingly...oh, but I do suspect, I do know what you're really up to...)_, but it won't work, Inspector Ryuga. L-like I said...he's not going to just come out and say it, to come out and confess. B-because he has nothing to confess. He's innocent. A-and it's going to take more than cleverly concealed interrogative questions for Light to reveal what you want him to, that is, what you_ wish_ he would reveal."

I breathed heavily, feeling like I had just run around the massive Niwa Hotel several times before blurting out my suspicions to Inspector Ryuga. I had been as polite and straightforward as could be, trying to avoid confusion and passive-aggressive backlash from him. It was his turn now. I waited with bated, exhausted breath for him to speak. For him to confirm my proposed notion.

His answer was like a slap in the face.

"After all of the countless hours it must have taken you, Miss Yagami, to come up with such a fantastical explanation for my course of actions, it is regrettable that I must inform you that you are completely mistaken." Inspector Ryuga finally removed his thumb from his lip and absently wiped his spit-wrinkled finger on his pants leg. His voice was nonchalant, but firm when he spoke next. "I do not suspect your cousin of anti-Kira tormenting. My actions are based solely on the reasons I had given you from the very start."

My muscles clenched and my grip on my jeans tightened. My relatively calm and rational perseverance disappeared and a wild determination came over me.

_No. No, he's wrong. He's playing with me. He just doesn't want me to know, he just wants me to give up. I want to believe him, oh, I want to believe him so bad. I can't though! His actions are anything but normal! His focus and examination of Light is beyond interrogative! His demands of me are beyond manipulative! He thinks he can control me and shape my every thought and action, but he's wrong! I'm stronger and smarter than he thinks! He can't fool me!_

I cleared my throat and tried to steady my voice. "Inspector Ryuga, I...I want to believe you. I want to believe that you don't suspect Light. I tried ignoring any niggling, disturbing inkling that I may have had from the very start, but now – um, I just can't. Based off of your actions, I just can't. You need to know, Inspector Ryuga, you just need to-"

"Miss Yagami, this is-"

"Light is innocent. He is."

Inspector Ryuga narrowed his eyes slightly and stared at me for a good, long minute. He was scrutinizing me, reading my face and body language. Deciphering the emotion and resolve behind my eyes. It would have been clear to anybody with two eyes in their head that I was stone-solid firm in my belief that Light was innocent of anything Inspector Ryuga could think of.

Inspector Ryuga replied, his voice carrying a soft menacing quality to it that sent shivers up my spine.

"I see."

That was it. Just those two words. But it was more than enough to convince me that I was on the right track, that I had struck the correct nerve. He didn't delve into another one of his long-winded speeches about how foolish I was being or how wrong I was. He realized that I wasn't going to budge in my conviction. He had accepted my answer. Those two words were like an invisible line that divided us, like in one of those old North American Western films where one gunslinger stood at one end of the road and the other one stood at the other end, both poised to flip their guns out and shoot the other one into the setting sun. We were positioned at different ends of the hotel room; our eyes, staring fixedly (challengingly?) at one another, were our weapons of choice.

I had made my position clear: _Light is innocent_. Inspector Ryuga had subtly voiced his position with those two words that had carried a soft, blistering bite to them: _Light is guilty_.

Although I could clearly sense the disapproval behind Inspector Ryuga's words, he continued on as if we hadn't just silently made known our two opposing sides.

"However fixed your opinion is, Miss Yagami, it is irrelevant to the current situation."

_He's still trying to make it seem like it's all a big misunderstanding, as if he isn't trying to interrogate Light. _

But I hadn't confronted him solely to let him know my suspicions. There was something else that needed to be said. And yet, I still phrased my words as if he was perhaps right; his dominating nature that he subtly exposed here and there still greatly influenced the way I spoke.

"Inspector Ryuga, even though you may, um, may be...uh, speaking the, the truth, I just wanted to let you know that, um, that I can't ask those questions anymore. Whether they're, uh, meant to be or not, they...they sound interrogative and, well, I don't think that's fair. For my cousin, I mean. H-he's done nothing wrong. A-and frankly, I, um, I feel uncomfortable now...asking them."

Inspector Ryuga's eyes narrowed slightly again and his voice lowered a notch as he darkly muttered, "It would be wise, Miss Yagami, for you to reconsider your words."

I realized that he was trying to frighten me into going back on my decision. However, I also recognized that, underneath that threatening voice of his, there was a faint undertone of desire. I had a pretty good idea what that desire could be: the desire for me to remain the obedient confine-ee and to continue asking Light those questions. Simply because...

_Because he has a supposedly submissive pawn that will do his work for him. Because he knows Light trusts me. Because he knows that if I refuse to cooperate, he'll have to leave his little hotel room hiding place and encounter Light face-to-face. To ask Light those questions instead. To get his hands dirty._

I thought my next set of words would be helpful, may show Inspector Ryuga that I was willing to help him out. Instead, they damned me further into the pit I had already dug.

"If you want Light to, um, you know, confess something, why don't you just ask him outright if he has any information or, um...is involved in Kira-related harassment? I mean, I know, I just _know_ that he isn't guilty of anything, but, but, for your sake, I wouldn't mind asking for you, Inspector Ryuga. I could just talk to him and explain what's been happening and this whole thing could be straightened out. You'll have your answers, I won't have to deceive Light anymore, and my cousin won't be left out in the dark of this whole situation. Wouldn't that make sense? I mean, wouldn't that be okay?"

No, it was definitely not okay. In fact, it seemed it was the last thing Inspector Ryuga wanted to hear coming out of my mouth.

His voice was bitter and firm as he instantly fired back a reply, "I had thought that you understood the rules and precautions that were placed upon you, Miss Yagami, but it appears you don't comprehend the situation. How regrettable."

He leaned over to the coffee table, pinched a sugar cube, loudly closed the sugar lid (he really was pissed off at me), stood up, and slouched facing away from me.

"It has become clear that you are unable, not to mention unstable, to visit with your cousin anymore. Such ravings about interrogations and accusations appear to be delusions that you have created during your time spent all alone moping in your room. In any case, you have proven by your words that you are untrustworthy to be in the presence of Light. Who knows what type of confidential information you may expose if you are so willing to reveal your nonsensical ideas to Light? It is a risk that we cannot safely take."

"Inspector Ryuga, please, they aren't delusions! I – I won't say anything then! I promise! Can't you-"

"My word is final, Miss Yagami." He turned to face me and looked me solidly in the eye. "Until I have determined that you have regained some rationality, you will not be allowed to visit with your cousin."

"Please! Inspector Ryuga, I – I take it back! I mean, please, I-"

"Miss Yagami, your ravings will get you nowhere."

Even though I had mentally readied myself for such a hard-blow of a consequence, I had emotionally been unprepared. I wanted so much to persist, but Inspector Ryuga's glaring, steadfast eyes stopped any argumentative words from flying through my mouth. I felt the beginnings of tears welling up at the backs of my eyes, but I wouldn't allow them to fall until I was out of Inspector Ryuga's brooding presence.

_I had everything planned. Everything rehearsed. And this is what has come from it. _

"If you have no further accusations to make, Miss Yagami, you may return to your room. I imagine you have school work that can occupy your time." Inspector Ryuga had already turned back to his chair and plunked himself in it. He began to pour himself a cup of coffee.

Even though I was no longer in his line of sight, I brushed away some nonexistent tears and held my hands out in an imploring manner, my strength not totally gone yet.

"Please, Inspector Ryuga, would you...would you just consider talking to Light? Please? You won't get anything from him with what you're doing now. And it's not fair. I..." My voice grew louder and stronger, bolder even. All of my depleted energy raced back through me for one last stand.

"I won't let my cousin be deceived and interrogated for something he hasn't done. It's wrong."

Inspector Ryuga slurped his coffee loudly, obnoxiously. "It's a good thing then, Miss Yagami, that I am not interrogating your cousin on something he has not done."

"But you are-"

"Good night, Miss Yagami. You have provided enough dramatics for one night."

My breath hitched in my throat and I choked back a sob of outrage and distress. I quickly fled the room, not looking back, trying to run away from that incessant slurping. I passed by the doorway where some of the task force members were working and heard some movement before turning the corner to my room. I heard Matsuda call my name, his voice tinted with concern. I didn't stop or look back. I kept going until I had firmly closed my bedroom door and stepped into my private bathroom. I turned the cold water tap on full blast and splashed handfuls of water into my face.

I cried into the splashes that washed over my face, my tears being drowned in the icy cold water.

**...**

The knocking at my bedroom door interrupted my daydream of the FBI/CIA bursting through the hotel suite and dragging Inspector Ryuga away (coffee mug, sugar bowl, and all) due to his excessive measures and inappropriate and unruly conduct...or something like that.

I ignored the knocking, hoping that the person would think that I was asleep. It ceased for a couple of seconds and there was a faint shuffling outside the door. Then it hesitantly began again.

I sighed, having a pretty good idea of who was standing outside my door. As I sluggishly rolled off my bed and trudged towards the door, the knocking became a bit more incessant.

_He's not going to give up, is he?_

I opened the door to find Matsuda halting his hand from rapping the door again. I instantly plastered a small smile on my face and quickly straightened my crinkled shirt. Matsuda stared worriedly at me.

"Hi, Matsuda, is everything alright?" My cheery voice sounded sickly sweet and fake, but I adopted it without even thinking. It was purely automatic.

Matsuda didn't buy into it though. "I – I was just going to ask you that, Etsuko."

I feigned ignorance. "Hmm? Yeah, of course everything's alright. Why would you think anything's wrong?"

My attempt at protecting my dignity didn't reassure Matsuda away and he continued looking at me apprehensively.

"Well, you looked really upset when you ran down the hallway to your room a half hour ago. After talking to Ryuz – um, Inspector Ryuga. I tried calling after you, but you mustn't have heard me. I just wanted to, um, I mean...since you're our guest and all, it's my duty to make sure you're, um, alright. Because I was worr – I mean, um, because it's my responsibility as an officer here. Y-yeah."

I quickly made sense of Matsuda's rambling words and exuberantly replied, "Oh, well, that was very nice of you, Matsuda, but I'm quite alright. Really. In fact, I'm not just quite alright, I'm very alright. I just, um, speedily walked to my room because I wanted to get to bed. I wasn't upset, just tired, that's all. I was actually going to head to bed now. Long day and all, you know, well, I mean, of course you know how busy it can get and -"

_Shut up, you twit, and just say goodnight. _

"Good night, Matsuda. I mean, um, unless there was something you wanted or needed?" I was gripping the bedroom door now, slightly swinging it back and forth, silently trying to convey that I wanted to be left alone.

Matsuda shyly (sadly?) smiled and scratched the back of his head awkwardly as he softly murmured, "No, no, I just wanted to make sure that, um, everything was okay. Ju-just doing my duty and all." He paused and shifted uneasily. Suddenly, a goofy, almost misplaced smile appeared on his face as he added, "Well, go-good night, Etsuko."

The smile faltered a tad and he hesitated before he turned to leave. I stood in the doorway, watching him shuffle slowly down the hallway.

Unexpectedly, I felt a sudden desire to call him back. I realized I didn't want to be alone after the situation with Inspector Ryuga. I didn't want him to go. The best way I could describe it was that feeling I used to get on the first day of school when I was a kid and my dad had just dropped me off at my classroom. That almost homesick, lonely feeling as I would watch him leave, his retreating back disappearing around the corner. I felt a similar feeling as Matsuda neared the corner, only...this was different somehow. It wasn't quite the same...

"Matsuda!"

Matsuda stopped and slowly turned around. My hand limply fell away from the door. I shrugged awkwardly, a shy smile tugging at my lips.

"I, uh, I'm not that tired actually. Would you, um, would you like to, I don't know, chat or, um (_how the hell do you ask someone to just hang out?_)do something or, um..."

I lamely trailed off, struggling to find a way to not sound so awkward. Matsuda didn't seem to mind my nonsensical babbling and took a few steps towards me, a shy smile also pulling at his lips.

"Oh, that's nice of you, Etsuko, but I, um, well..." He looked regrettably down the hallway towards the room where the other officers were and then looked back at me, a somewhat apologetic look in his eye. "Well, I actually need to get back to work. I should be, uh, contributing to the team and all."

I blinked and embarrassingly looked away to a corner of the doorframe. "Oh, I...I didn't know that you and the other officers were working so late." I paused and muttered bitterly under my breath. "I guess it's naive to think that it's just me he's unreasonable with."

"What was that, Etsuko?"

"Oh, it's nothing." I sheepishly grinned, irritated with myself for not having had the strength to curve my tongue from slipping. "Just muttering to myself."

That shy smile reappeared on Matsuda's face and he took a few more steps towards me. He looked at me knowingly, and I had a feeling that he had heard my muttered words. And perhaps he presumed something more, judging by his next set of words.

"I know it doesn't seem like it, but he always seems to know what he's doing and..." Matsuda scratched the back of his head again and shrugged noncommittally. "...always seems to have a plan. A-anyways, things will work out. It just takes time, you know?"

It took me a couple of seconds to realize that he had been talking about Inspector Ryuga. It appeared that Matsuda suspected that something went down between Inspector Ryuga and I, but didn't want to pry. Instead, he was offering some "advice" on how to handle Inspector Ryuga's craziness? To just be patient because Inspector Ryuga always had a plan and always got what he wanted and –

A dawning realization came to me. Or maybe it was more of a hope. Probably a foolish hope, but it had settled in my brain nonetheless. I slowly turned my eyes to Matsuda's and genuinely grinned.

"Thanks, Matsuda. You've given me something to think about."

Matsuda appeared a bit surprised at my sudden change of countenance (perhaps he had seen through a bit of my charade?) and let loose a grin that I was soon getting to know as his signature smile.

_It's big and wide and his eyes light up at the same time. It holds nothing back, but is sincere and genuine and trustworthy –_

"Well, I'm glad that it's, um, helpful. That's what I was trying to do, ha ha, so I'm glad that it wor-"

"Matsuda!"

Matsuda and I both jumped as one of the task force members poked his head around the corner and started walking towards us. Or, more like marching.

I had seen this particular officer before when I sometimes got back from a visit with Light. He would pass through the room where Inspector Ryuga was or would briefly be discussing something with Inspector Ryuga before I fully entered the room. He had a stern, serious face which meant business and spoke in a firm, almost authoritative way. I didn't know his name or anything about him, but I didn't need to know him to figure out that he was angry.

"There you are. We were in the middle of discussing some key details when you just got up and left the room. Care to explain what that was all about?" He stood with his hands firmly on his hips, his whole demeanour stormy and irritated.

Matsuda weakly chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "Ha, uh, I just needed to stretch my legs, Aizawa. I was just coming back now, ha ha."

The officer known as Aizawa mumbled with not a lot of conviction in his tone, "Right." He finally looked directly at me, as if he just realized that there was someone else standing there, and then quickly back at Matsuda. He sighed irritably and rolled his eyes before grabbing a fistful of Matsuda's suit jacket and dragged him away.

"Really, Matsuda, I thought you had more common sense than that."

Matsuda stumbled backwards as Aizawa pulled him back towards the end of the hallway. He stuttered, "Wha-what are you talking about, Aizawa?"

"Just come on. We're not near finished for tonight."

I watched them turn the corner and stood stunned in the doorway. It was quite the unexpected departure.

Suddenly, Matsuda's head popped back from around the corner and he quickly spouted, "Good night, Etsuko. Maybe we can figure out some time to talk another day if you want to chat or-"

"Matsuda! Now!" Aizawa growled.

I quickly responded before Matsuda disappeared around the corner, "S-sure, Matsuda. Good night."

Before they closed the door behind them, I heard Aizawa grumble to Matsuda, "Really, Matsuda, do you really think it's a good idea to chat up the Chief's niece?"

I felt my face heat up and quickly dashed into my bedroom, almost slamming the door behind me. I exasperatedly started getting ready for bed, trying to ignore the sight of my pink cheeks in the mirror.

**...**

Matsuda's half-concealed advice lingered with me throughout the night and into the morning. It provided more food for thought than I had initially thought and I became secretly grateful to him for providing such mental sustenance.

Matsuda was right. Inspector Ryuga always did appear to get what he wanted, no questions asked. If he wanted Light to be interrogated, then it would happen. He had lost his pawn whom he had thought he could manipulate and rule over, but that wasn't going to stop him from getting what he wanted.

There was no one else he could use anymore. He was left with himself. He would have to make due.

By the afternoon of the first day after my encounter with Inspector Ryuga, I realized that all I had to do was patiently wait. Inspector Ryuga would realize (if he hadn't already) that he was going to have to do things the normal way. He would have to meet with Light and ask him straight out the questions that he wanted answers to. Or he would still be a lazy coward and send a task force member to do his work instead. Either way, Light would tell them that he has nothing to do with anti-Kira harassment, he would be ruled innocent, and Inspector Ryuga's little investigation on my cousin would end.

I would feel a swell of giddy excitement as I would realize that maybe I would be able to go home also after Inspector Ryuga would rule Light innocent. I was pretty confident that the main reason he wanted me in confinement was to use me to interrogate Light for him. Once everything would be said and done, there would be no real reason to keep me anymore. I would swear that I wouldn't say anything about their little secret base, blah, blah, blah, and then I could go back home. Back to my normal, calmly-paced life.

I was hopeful that my expectations would become reality sometime soon.

Which explains why I was quite excited when Inspector Ryuga asked to meet with me two days after our last encounter.

_He's going to tell me that Light has been talked to and everything's clear. That Light is innocent and that this whole stupid mess is over and done with. That I can go home. _

I was surprised to see Uncle Soichiro sitting on the couch across from Inspector Ryuga, who occupied his regular chair. I was concerned for a split second, but then realized that he must be there to hear the good news.

However, he didn't look happy. He wore the same exhausted expression whenever I saw him, which was becoming increasingly rare. I assumed that he was just getting busier with the Kira case. Just like I forced myself to assume that he was just tired and that everything was okay.

Everything was going fine.

Inspector Ryuga also didn't look very happy. In fact, he still looked irritated, as if he was still all riled up from my incompliance a couple of days ago.

_Man, he really was pissed off with me for not going through with his little plan. Get over it already. _

He didn't ask me to sit. He barely moved his neck to look at me, as if he was trying to give me the cold shoulder based off of his actions. Or inaction, I should say.

He muttered emotionlessly, "It would appear you will have cause for celebration soon, Miss Yagami."

My heart skipped a beat and I steadied myself from getting too excited. I disciplined myself to remain composed, but my lips twitched with the temptation to smile.

_Oh my gosh, he actually spoke to Light or had one of the officers speak to him! Everything's all settled now and I can go back home and –_

"I've heard that your cousin's birthday is coming soon."

My desire to smile faltered momentarily. Although I had been expecting a different announcement, his words did not carry any unfortunate news. A sideways smile adorned my face seconds later as I nodded slowly.

"Yes. Light's birthday is about three weeks away."

I noticed Uncle Soichiro bowed his head a little and sadly smiled. I was sure that he regretted all of the time he spent away from his family. I hoped that the occasion of Light's birthday would be an opportunity for him to relax and become rejuvenated again, simply by spending time with his family.

Inspector Ryuga continued to drone on in his flattened tone of voice, "And I've been informed that your parents and sister will be driving to Tokyo to celebrate with your relatives. That it will be an opportunity to see you, just as much as it is to celebrate Light's birthday."

I shifted uneasily on the spot, suddenly a tad wary of where Inspector Ryuga's train of thought was going. I had grown to realize that he never said anything unless he had a point to make. That he never drew out a thought this long without having a startlingly stark announcement to make at the end.

Before I could get a word in edge wise, he confirmed my right to be worried.

Inspector Ryuga slurped loudly on his coffee before announcing, "It would be a shame, Miss Yagami, if you were not able to attend such an occasion of celebration. Especially when you haven't seen your immediate family for quite a few months now-"

"Inspector Ryuga, if you're trying to threaten me into asking Light those questions again then-"

"It appears you have a remarkably poor memory, Miss Yagami, as I precisely remember informing you that you are not trustworthy to visit with your cousin. You have lost that privilege."

My anger surged higher and my voice rose a notch, "Then what are you trying to convey here? I-I don't understand what you want with me?"

Inspector Ryuga stared into his cup, his eyes dull and dry of all emotion. He appeared absolutely bored with the conversation, but that lingering aura of irritation still hovered behind his eyes.

Uncle remained still on the couch, his utter silence and helplessness shocking. I still couldn't believe the frightening authority that Inspector Ryuga had over my uncle.

Inspector Ryuga took one long gulp of his coffee before setting the cup down. He slowly leaned over the coffee table and picked up a phone that had been sitting nicely in the centre of the table. Without a single glance in my direction, he clutched the top of the phone with two fingers and dangled it in front of me.

"I want you to make a phone call."

I was dumb with confusion for a split second before uttering, "A – a phone call?"

"Yes. I want you to call Light to inform him that you will not be visiting with him anymore. And that you won't have time to talk on the phone or send e-mails. You are too busy with school work and would prefer spending your free time alone instead of arranging visits or chatting on-line or on the phone. You need some space. It makes sense since you have quite the solitary nature, isn't that right, Miss Yagami? Besides, he's busy studying for the university entrance exams, so you're trying to be considerate and wouldn't want to bother him."

I tried to control my confusion and rage by twisting and wringing the ends of my sweater sleeves.

_If only my hands were twisting and wringing this lunatic's nec—_

"It is relevant to provide an explanation as to why you will not be in contact with him anymore." Inspector Ryuga's voice became sharper, laced with that irritation that he couldn't let go. "If you had cooperated like I had requested, Miss Yagami, this could have been avoided and you wo—"

I was through with listening. I needed an answer.

"Why aren't you talking to Light, Inspector Ryuga?! All you need to do is talk with Light and then you'll find out that he's innocent! Why do you insist on doing...on doing..." I swallowed loudly and blurted forth, "On doing nothing?!"

Inspector Ryuga blinked once and his pupils moved back and forth, his eyes scanning the coffee table. He drew his thumb up to his mouth and gently bit down on the edge of his finger. He was thinking deeply, furiously. Planning something. Or scheming.

A sudden realization came to me. He was up to something. He wasn't doing nothing. There was some sort of plan in that crazy head of his, but he just wasn't telling me. I wasn't the plan anymore. He had moved on to something else, to something bigger. A plan where he didn't have to rely on some troublesome pawn anymore.

A flurry of scarier thoughts popped into my head. What if I had always been the back-up plan? What if this whole time he had been preparing for whatever his original plan was? What if part of that preparation was using me to get answers from Light? What if he had been using me just as a build-up to what he was eventually going to do?

I had simply been the introductory crescendo of his orchestrated masterpiece of a plan. I could see behind his scheming eyes that he had something much more intricate organized than having the uncooperative cousin ask questions. And that scared me more than anything.

_Why is he going to so much trouble just to get an answer from Light? Why all of the tricks and manipulation? Why is he so fixated? Why –_

"If it isn't obvious by now, Miss Yagami, if you do not make this phone call, then you will not be attending any family get together."

I stared at the phone that he was still dangling in front of me, but I didn't reach for it. I refused to give in so easily.

I weakly protested in the nicest voice I could still muster, "Please, Inspector Ryuga, if you would just speak to him. All of this could be over. Isn't it bad enough that I can't be in contact with my cousin, but now you want me to plainly tell him that I don't want to see him anymore, that school work is more important than him and-"

Inspector Ryuga's eyes grew stormy and hard as he tiredly said, "I figured that you would need some convincing, since you were so defiant last time we spoke, Miss Yagami, so I'll offer you some assistance in making the right decision."

Inspector Ryuga's eyes didn't leave the wall in front of him. He made no indication of what he was referring to. Suddenly though, Uncle Soichiro sighed in defeat and slowly stood up. I turned to him and watched him take a few steps towards me before stopping and looking me sadly in the eye. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days and his eyes conveyed the helplessness that he felt.

He was a husk of the man I had known only a couple of months ago. I barely recognized him.

"Etsuko, if only I could make you understand." He sighed long and low. "But I can't. And, frankly, I have no desire to. All I know is that it's best for you to do as Inspector Ryuga says."

He paused for a second and then grasped my hand. He squeezed it hard and said, his voice choked with emotion, "I hope that one day you'll forgive me for all of this."

He instantly let go of my hand and looked towards Inspector Ryuga's direction. He wasn't looking at me, but I could see a spark of burning rage behind his eyes, just smoldering below the surface of his distress.

He whispered bitterly, "If you're wrong about all of this, you owe me an apology. Regardless of whether you're right or wrong, you owe my _niece _an apology."

He slowly moved back to the couch and sat down with an exhausted sigh.

Inspector Ryuga, without blinking an eye or turning in my uncle's direction, unsympathetically responded, "I am sorry that you feel that way, Mr. Yagami."

I felt like I was shaking inside and that it soon was going to have me shaking externally. My hands already felt restless. I was scared. Scared for my uncle, scared for myself, scared for Lig—

"Miss Yagami, the phone call." Inspector Ryuga stretched his arm out further and thrust the phone in my face. I stared at it worryingly, as if it would shock me if I touched it.

For the first time in our conversation, Inspector Ryuga turned his eyes towards me and stared me directly in the eye. For the first time, his eyes held nothing back; there was no secret or deception.

His gaze warned me and assured me at the same time as he straightforwardly said, "Your current confinement is a luxury compared to what could be arranged."

It was the final push, the final threat. I took the phone and numbly dialed the home phone number. As if in a daze, I held the phone up to my ear and listened. The muted sound of the phone ringing was the only sound that pierced the dense silence in the room.

After the third ring, Aunt Sachiko answered the phone.

"Hello! Yagami household."

I closed my eyes briefly as I took in my aunt's cheerful voice. A sudden wave of nausea washed over me. I couldn't speak.

"Hello?" Her voice was more hesitant now. There was also a hint of worry. A standard tone of voice from a wife of a police officer when not receiving an immediate answer over the phone.

I breathed out and answered, "It's me, auntie."

"Oh! Etsuko! We thought you'd forgotten about us, dear!"

I withheld a sob and stuttered out, "N-no, auntie, I would never forget about you or Sayu or...or Light. I've just been really busy with school work and, and – can I please speak with Light?"

Aunt Sachiko sounded a bit confused and taken aback by my distress. I just couldn't hold it back from creeping into my voice. "Su-sure." Aunt Sachiko paused for a second. "Is everything alright, Etsuko? They are treating you well there, aren't they?"

I closed my eyes tight and forced myself to lie. "Yes, auntie, they're treating me very nicely. I just need to...to tell Light something. I wish I could talk but..."

"Of course, dear, I understand. I'll go get him for you."

As my aunt placed the phone down to go get Light, I reflected on her good natured, but dismissive tone of voice, and I knew that she didn't understand. She didn't understand why one-by-one her family members were growing apart from her, either physically or emotionally. She didn't understand, but she endured it anyways.

I tried to comfort myself by thinking to myself: _She has Sayu. She still has Sayu with her. Physically and emotionally, she still has Sayu._

As I waited for Light to get on the phone, I stared at the back of Inspector Ryuga's head and realized that he was adding one more notch of separation between me and Light.

_He distanced me from Light physically when he put me in confinement. Then he separated me from Light again only a couple of days ago when he told me I couldn't be trusted to visit with him. Now he's separating me even more from my cousin. He's emotionally trying to distance us from each other. _

A radical, but seemingly realistic, realization came over me as I continued staring at the back of _his_ head.

_He's trying to sever that bond between us. He doesn't want me to be close to Light. He manipulated and abused that closeness and trust that we have with each other, but as soon as I refused to cooperate, he decided to rip it apart. If he can't use our relationship for his own scheme, then he doesn't want it to exist at all. But, why? Why is he so insistent with crushing it? Why is he so obsessive with it? Why is he so cruel?_

A sudden ruffling came over the speaker of the phone and my cousin's voice muttered in my ear, "Etsuko? Mom said you wanted to tell me something."

As I readied to lie to my cousin for the umpteenth time, one last disturbing thought crossed my mind, leaving a lasting cognitive scar across my brain tissue.

_He's throwing me away. He's used up his pawn as much as he can and now he's throwing me away. This is the final step and then he can throw me into my room, lock the door, and can begin his master plan. And I'm too scared to do anything about it. I am inferior. _

"Etsuko?"

I closed my eyes, pushed down my gag reflex, and calmly said, "Yes, I did want to speak with you. There's something that I need to tell you, Light."

**...**

**A/N: Good? Bad? Confusing? Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: So, I'm sure it was no surprise that you had to wait a long time for me to update, but I'm sorry for the long wait nonetheless. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to update like some authors on here who are able to update every couple of weeks. I applaud the writers who are able to do so. **

**Anyways, where I was going with all of this is that I was going to put little updated statuses on my profile page, just to show where I am with writing a chapter. Just so you guys know that I am still writing this fic and not giving up on it. I have the majority of it plotted out, it's just a matter of writing it all out and fixing little things here and there. I appreciate everyone who is still reading! You guys are awesome! **

**Now, I'm sure you don't want to hear me ramble my guts out, so without further ado, chapter 9!**

Chapter 9

"_Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what they set out to do." - George Moore_

**...**

I numbly buttoned up my pink cardigan. It was festive enough for a celebration and casual enough for just conversing with family. I hadn't worn it since a Christmas party that Fumiko had dragged me to the year before. I hadn't had a cause to celebrate since then.

Even at that moment, I still didn't feel in a festive mood.

Three weeks ago I had made the phone call to Light to inform him that I was much too busy with school to spend time with him, both in person and through phone and e-mail. He had barely responded, but I could tell from the few words that he had muttered that he had been ripe with suspicion as I had told him "my" decision. But he hadn't just been suspicious; he had sounded frustrated as well. An almost childish annoyance as if he had lost at something, similar to when he would lose, on those rare occasions, at a board game when we were kids. He had hung up the phone rather abruptly and I had rushed out of the room in despair with what I had done.

I didn't want to see anyone after that. I buried myself away in my room and buried myself further in my textbooks and assignments. I was disgusted with myself for not having told Light the truth over the phone. It would have been so easy. All it would have taken was a few key words and he would have been even a little more aware than he was now. But Inspector Ryuga's threats had got the better of me and I had cowardly did as I was told.

I _still_ was doing what I was being told. It seemed to have dawned on Inspector Ryuga that it would be a little too suspicious if I had ceased contact from my family altogether, so he allowed me to send e-mails, written and edited by the bastard himself, to my aunt's e-mail account for her and my cousins to read. They were shallow, nonspecific accounts of my boring life. It pained me to push the 'send' button each time I sent one, which was only once a week.

But now I was finally going to be let loose. I was finally going to be able to step past the walls of my claustrophobic room, of the restrictive hotel, of my personal prison. At least for only an evening.

And even then, I was going with "precautions" set in place. There would be the cameras in the house watching my every move, especially around Light. And Matsuda would be accompanying me, to provide even more supervision. Strict orders from Inspector Ryuga.

It would be difficult, but I was determined to do it. Even if it was just a hint, I would tell –

"Etsuko? Are you almost ready to go?"

I was startled out of my thoughts by uncle's voice outside the door. I quickly slipped into my jacket and opened the door.

Uncle Soichiro was dressed in a casual pair of dress pants and his jacket was freshly ironed. He was clean-shaven and his hair was combed back neatly. Although there were still some small bags underneath his eyes, he looked more awake than of late. And he looked, dare I say it, almost excited. His eyes shone not with the glazed over look of one who is deprived of sleep, but of one who is beaming with anticipation of good times. For the first time in months, he smiled. I couldn't help but simply stare back at his presentation of cheer.

He raised an eyebrow. "Everything alright, Etsuko?"

I mentally shook myself and stuttered, "O-oh, yes, uncle. It's just, um, I'm happy to see you, uh...well, look so happy."

Uncle's smile remained, but his eyes grew sad. His response was simplistic; a concrete confession that really didn't need to be spoken in order to be known. "I haven't looked very happy in a while, have I, Etsuko? I haven't _been_ very happy for quite some time."

His eyes twinkled with some type of emotion that I couldn't clearly read as he began to walk down the hallway. I stood rooted to the carpet, cursing myself for ruining a happy moment for my uncle. I ran a couple of steps to catch up with him, my apology clumsily bursting out of my mouth.

"I'm s-sorry, uncle! I didn't mean to-"

Uncle Soichiro clamped a hand down on my shoulder and his smile grew broader as he good naturedly said, "Let's just enjoy this evening, Etsuko, with our family. I believe that it will do me just as much good as it will do you to have a break from this place. Am I right?"

A somewhat melancholic smile adorned my face as I nodded slowly. "Yes, uncle. It will be good for both of us." I forced myself to widen my smile for uncle's sake, trying to disguise the deeper feelings of sadness within myself.

_That we should be so happy to simply spend time with our loved ones. Such a luxury now, when before it was taken for granted. Must even this happy day that I've been looking forward to be tainted with our sad reality that we have been living with for months?_

As we rounded the corner to the front door of the hotel suite, Matsuda stood by the door, trying to uncrease the crinkles in his tie. He huffed softly as he gave up fiddling with it and buttoned his jacket up. As we slipped into our shoes, his stomach gave a loud gurgling sound.

Uncle's lips twitched slightly. "Hungry, Matsuda?"

Matsuda blushed and weakly chuckled. "Ha, yeah, Chief. I've been purposely avoiding eating a lot today, in order to save up my appetite for tonight." Matsuda's stomach gurgled again and his face turned a deeper pink as he clutched his stomach, trying to silence it.

Meanwhile, I covered my mouth, trying to silence my laughter. It would have been rude to laugh at Matsuda's embarrassing expense. He noticed my sorry attempt at covering up my giggling and his face flushed from pink to red. He turned away in embarrassment. I then shyly turned away in embarrassment as well, disappointed in myself for making him feel uncomfortable. Uncle was the only one who seemed unbothered by the whole situation.

His eyes glanced from Matsuda to me and a somewhat hesitant smile crossed his lips as he listened to my muffled giggles. He shook his head as he finished lacing his shoe and softly commented, "It's been a long time since I last heard you laugh, Etsuko."

I instantly stopped giggling and sadly smiled at my uncle.

_It has been a long time, hasn't it? Too long._

I glanced at Matsuda, his face finally returning to its normal colour. He shyly looked my way and then quickly occupied himself with fiddling with the cuff of his jacket sleeve for no apparent reason. Uncle shot us both a curious look and began walking down the hotel hallway, Matsuda right at his heels. I followed after them, my eyes watching Matsuda's fiddling hands at his sleeves. The smile on my face transformed from sad to happy as it reached my eyes.

**...**

As the elevator doors to the hotel's outdoor car parkade opened, a sudden shock overtook me. I slowly stepped out of the elevator into the cold February night, the night sky peeking between the concrete roof and walls of the parkade. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself, almost forgetting how chilly February could be. I exhaled and, for a split second, marvelled at how my breath appeared as a puff of fog. I shakily exhaled again, a disbelieving giggle hovering at the edge of my throat.

_I haven't been outside for almost a whole month. I've just been content with looking out my window. I welcome the nip of the chill at my finger tips. _

Uncle and Matsuda turned around half way to the parked car and stared at me. Uncle worriedly called, "Etsuko, what's the matter?"

I stopped staring at my cold fingers and hurriedly caught up with them.

"Nothing, nothing. Just, um, taking in the nice, cool evening." A little titter of laughter followed, and I continued walking to the car. I ignored Uncle's confused expression (and Matsuda's slightly bemused expression) and slid into the backseat of uncle's car.

_I've already experienced some embarrassment tonight. No need to add to it with telling them that I almost forgot how good the cold can feel. Especially when you've been cooped up in a stuffy hotel roo –_

I did a double take at the gift bag sitting beside me in the backseat. Blue tissue paper peeked out from the top of the bag, the corner of a little card also peeking over the edge of the paper. After a second, I remembered exactly what it was doing there.

As soon as uncle had settled into the driver's seat, I happily exclaimed, "Thank you, uncle! I know you have such a busy schedule, and-"

Uncle craned his neck back to look at me and began to speak, "Actually, Etsuko-"

"-yet you still managed to find the time to pick out a present for me to give to Light! It would have been horrible if I went tonight without a gift-"

"Actually, Etsuko, Matsuda was the one who went out to get it."

I blinked and looked from the gift bag to Matsuda. Matsuda sheepishly grinned, his eyes staring at the gift bag instead of at me. "Well, I do a lot of the errands for the task force and Inspector Ryuga, so, you know, I thought it would make best sense if I got your present for Light. I have more time than the Chief, uh, I mean your uncle, so it made most sense." Matsuda suddenly exclaimed, his hands waving frantically in front of himself, "Ahh, don't worry, Etsuko! Your uncle told me what you wanted to get Light for his birthday, so that's what I got! I didn't buy whatever I thought was a good present and, you know, um-"

I decided to save Matsuda from his awkward ramblings. "That was very nice of you, Matsuda. Thank you." What I had said would have sufficed as being a polite response, but I couldn't help but want to add more. "I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to do, um, my shopping for me."

Matsuda nodded hastily, his hands fidgeting with his seat belt, "Of course, of course. It was no problem at all."

Uncle Soichiro gave Matsuda a questioning look, which Matsuda seemed to be trying to ignore by commenting on the lovely night sky (which could barely be seen from our parking space), as he started up the car.

I carefully dug through the tissue paper and pulled out a polished, black box. Inside were two stylish black rollerball pens, one filled with black ink and the other one filled with a deep navy ink. Gold trim wound around the caps of the pens. The defining trait though was the gold words etched into the sides of each pen: "_Success is focusing the full power of all you are on what you have a burning desire to achieve."_

They were beautiful. They were the perfect gift for a soon-to-be graduate entering university.

"Are they alright, Etsuko? Your uncle showed me the picture of them in the catalogue, but they didn't have any in silver, so I had to go with gold and-"

"They're beautiful, Matsuda. Thank you," I reassured Matsuda as I carefully placed them back in their case and then back in the gift bag. I turned to uncle. "They didn't cost any more, did they?"

Uncle shook his head, "No, they were the same price. The amount you gave me was enough."

"Oh, yeah, you don't owe anything else, Etsuko! A-and even if you did, it would be no-"

"Matsuda. She understands," uncle interrupted, his voice slightly harder. It appeared that Matsuda's rambling was getting to him a little.

Matsuda settled back into his seat, a slightly apologetic look on his face. Uncle switched on the radio; the soft music that hummed from the speakers created a more relaxed atmosphere and we drove in silence for most of the way there.

About ten minutes before we reached the house, uncle swivelled his neck towards me and asked, "Do you need a pen, Etsuko? To sign the card?"

"Oh! Yes, I do! Thanks, uncle." I took the pen that uncle fished from his jacket pocket and scrambled to find the card in the bag. I opened the card and stared at its blankness.

_Here's my chance. I should be careful though, just in case._

I brought the end of the pen to my mouth and poked my lip gently with it, thinking and remembering. Trying to figure out how I could convey...

A memory flashed through my mind. Before I could lose it, I latched on to it and quickly fast forwarded through it in my head. Similar to an old VHS tape, I "rewound" the memory and repeated it again, "watched" it again, trying to capture the words that I wanted.

I got them and frantically scribbled down my message, my birthday wishes to Light. I sighed a sigh of relief that I had gotten them down before they disappeared again. I added one last touch to the card, placed it in the bag, caped the pen, and handed it back to uncle.

Now it was up to Light to receive his birthday wishes the way they were intended.

**...**

Light's eighth birthday had been similar to his past birthday parties. Auntie's homemade birthday cake and presents. Family and a few close classmates were invited over. A pleasant afternoon celebrating. However, Aunt Sachiko wanted to surprise Light that year by hiring a magician to provide some entertainment. Something different.

I remember sitting on a pillow on the living room carpet, towering over the other children seated on the ground. I had tried to sit further back towards where the adults had been seated on the couch and chairs, trying to make it obvious that I was not one of the little children. I had been the oldest child there, only a couple months shy of turning eleven, whereas most of the other children were seven (or younger if including my sister and Sayu). The age difference between me and the others didn't differ when it came to our enjoyment of the magician's tricks though. I had laughed and clapped along with the others. I had been stupefied with the others on how the magician was able to make cards disappear, swallow live baby koi fish, and turn a pebble into a pastry. Even the adults joined in on the fun, laughing softly in the background while sipping their coffee and tea.

The only one who appeared to be restrained in their enjoyment was Light. I remember him sitting cross-legged with his elbows resting on his knees, hands curled into fists underneath his chin. His cheeks full with a pouty look. His eyes had watched carefully, almost stealthily, as the magician had performed each trick. While all of the other children, including me, had stared at the magician with stupefied expressions, Light had stared at the magician with a knowing look, occasionally letting a small, smug smile cross his face. As soon as the "magic" of the trick had been revealed, all of the children would cheer, but Light would cower lower into his seat, his face reshaping into a bored, sulky look.

It got to the point where Light was not able to contain his smugness and boredom all to himself. During the middle of a card trick, the living room silent and heavy with held breaths of anticipation, Light let loose a roar of unrestrained laughter. I had flinched, shocked out of my bewilderment by the sudden raucous sound of harsh laughter. The adults had looked worriedly at Light and the other children had looked almost scared as my cousin continued to wildly laugh. It hadn't been a joyful laugh, but had been shrill and taunting. Almost accusatory.

Light had taken a wide, gulping breath of air and had thrust his finger at the baffled magician.

"That isn't magic! That isn't magic at all!"

"Light," Aunt Sachiko had loudly whispered, trying to hush Light into being polite. Some of the adults had whispered amongst themselves. The children had looked with hopeful eyes to the magician.

The magician had looked unfazed, having handled troublemakers in the crowd many times before. He didn't know my cousin though.

The magician had smiled good naturedly and had calmly explained, "Of course it's magic, little boy. You see? The cards have disappeared into thin air! But, if you let me continue on with the trick, then you will see that I can make them reappe-"

"They're up your sleeve! When you went to fix your bowtie you slipped them up your sleeve."

The magician's self-satisfied expression had fallen a little as he had fumbled on, "No, no you're quite mistaken-"

Light hadn't let up and stubbornly persisted. "No, I'm not! They're up your sleeve!"

Aunt Sachiko had risen a little from her chair and in a reprimanding tone had said, "Light, hush now. Of course it's magic. Don't ruin it for the others."

Light had turned towards the back of the room where his mother was sitting and had contemptuously fired back, "But, mom, I'm just telling the truth-"

"Mommy, it is magic, right?" Four-year-old Sayu had flashed her mother a doleful look, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. My sister had begun to look tearful as well.

Aunt Sachiko had begun to reassure Sayu, but Light had interrupted, determined to let the truth be known.

"No, Sayu, it isn't magic. He just slipped the card up his sleeve. It's just a stupid trick!"

The room had burst into a loud commotion after that. Sayu had let loose a long wail of tears while auntie tried, and failed miserably, to comfort her. The other children had begun to speak over each other as they had pounced the magician with questions on whether he or Light was telling the truth, while the adults and the magician himself tried to reassure the children that magic did indeed exist. Uncle Soichiro had patiently taken Light aside to talk to him. Light had remained quiet, his face glum and irritated. I had just remained sitting on the carpet with my hands covering my ears, not liking all of the noise and upheaval.

The magician had left very soon afterwards, politely excusing himself from joining in on the cake and tea. He had dashed out of there as soon as uncle had paid him. The children, including Sayu, had seemed to forget about the whole uproar over the magician's trick as soon as the cake was brought out. The rest of the party flowed smoothly. But I could tell from Light's rigid grin that he had plastered on his face for the rest of the party that he was far from enjoying himself.

Towards the end of the party, while the adults had sat in the kitchen talking and the other children had compared and traded treats from their goodie bags, I had wandered around the main floor of the house, trying to find where my cousin had gotten to. I found Light sitting on the bottom steps of the staircase, his eyes stormy and his lips tight in a moping grimace. I had tentatively approached him, sensing that he probably didn't want to see anyone at that moment. He didn't tell me to go away though, so I sat down beside him on the stairs and tried to cheer him up.

"You got a lot of nice presents, hmm?"

He had continued to stare moodily at the front door and had huffed softly, stubborn to not be cheered up. Sensing that I was waiting for an answer, he had grudgingly replied, "They're okay, I guess."

I had fiddled with the trim of my skirt, trying to find the right words that would make Light talk to me. I hated it when he was so stubbornly silent. I had decided the only way that he would open up was if I cut the small talk.

"I know it's not real magic, but it's still fun to pretend."

I had touched the right nerve and Light had spun around to face me, his voice barely containing his irritation. "No, it's not fun to pretend! I don't enjoy pretending. I enjoy uncovering what's behind the pretend, Etsuko." Light had paused and his eyes had feverishly shone as they had darted swiftly back and forth across the step, his eight year old mind scrambling to find the words to express himself.

He had breathed in and had boldly looked at me, "To uncover the truth behind the trick. Don't you want to as well?"

My little cousin had eagerly stared back at me. His mouth slightly open, revealing the gaps where baby teeth had just recently been, as if he was ready to add further points to his argument. Those big, brown eyes wide open in expectation of my agreement. I remember being floored by his passion over such a little thing (in my mind anyways). As I had continued to look back into those serious eyes, I had been reminded of Light's maturity that seemed to be far ahead of other children his age (the same children who were in the adjacent room being content with trading candies and trinkets). Of how far ahead he seemed compared to even his older cousin.

I had apologetically offered a small grin to Light and had quietly answered, "Not really. I couldn't figure out any of the tricks even if I wanted to." I had embarrassingly looked down at my lap and continued to fiddle with my skirt. "Besides, I like to be, um, that thing that my mom calls it, uh, blissfully, um, blissfully ig...ig..."

"Ignorant," Light had calmly said, his eyes having had returned to stare at the front door, obviously disappointed with my impassionate answer.

"Yeah! Blissfully ignorant! I think it means only knowing what's good for you to know. Right?"

"Something like that." Light had suddenly sounded bored and tired. I had felt like I had disappointed him by not giving him the answer he craved for. But then again, I had felt a tad disappointed that he didn't seem to be excited with the notion of ignorance that I felt I could so relate to. I guess we had both disappointed one another with our answers.

I had fidgeted on the stair, beginning to feel uncomfortable with Light's moody silence. I had glanced at him from the corner of my eye and had smirked shyly as I had slowly begun to stand up.

"Well, I know that I don't want to be ignorant of whether there's still some more of auntie's cake left."

Something had sparked behind Light's eyes and that serious, almost adult-like emotion that had been clouding his eyes vanished. His eyes had blazed once more with a child-like innocence. A child-like mischievousness.

Light had suddenly leaped up from his seat on the stairs and had playfully pulled on my ponytail as he had laughingly exclaimed, "Not if I get at it before you do!"

He had run off down the hallway towards the kitchen and I had laughed as I had chased after him, content on leaving our serious conversation behind on the staircase.

**...**

The memory disappeared as we pulled into the drive. The house was aglow with the warm, orangey light of the living room lamps. The light bathed the front of the car and the front lawn. It was welcoming and inviting. It was comforting.

As uncle turned off the ignition, he slowly turned towards Matsuda and said, "Matsuda, remember that tonight-"

"I know, Chief. Etsuko's parents and sister don't know anything about her current situation. I won't mention a word." Matsuda turned in his seat and flashed me a reassuring smile.

Uncle nodded approvingly and turned to me. "I informed your aunt and cousins that you and your parents and sister just want this to be a night of celebration and not a night of...serious topics." Uncle's look said what his mouth didn't: _They understand not to mention anything regarding your situation to your parents._

I nodded. "Thanks, uncle." His reassurance didn't help the pounding beat of my nervous heart though; the anticipation of just entering the house had my stomach fluttering with butterflies.

Uncle nodded and we exited the car. It seemed to take forever for uncle to find his house keys and I couldn't help but bounce nervously on the soles of my feet as we waited.

_This is ridiculous. That I should be nervous about entering the house that I've called home for years now. Or perhaps it's nerves about coming face-to-face with the family members whom I feel like I have deserted in one way or another?_

Finally Uncle Soichiro got the door open and I barely had time to walk through the threshold when Sayu pounced around the corner and squeezed me hard in a tight hug.

"Etsuko!" Sayu gripped me harder and I tried not to wince as she squealed in my ear.

"Sayu!" I happily exclaimed as I wrapped my arms around my younger cousin.

Sayu paid no attention to her father or Matsuda as she suddenly let me go and stared deep into my eyes. Her own eyes shone with curiosity and eagerness. And perhaps a little bit of annoyance as well.

"Why haven't you invited us over to this apartment of yours?! Mom said that you're too busy with school and stuff, but only an e-mail once a week? You can't be that busy?!"

I avoided Sayu's pleading gaze as I unbuttoned my jacket. I tried to explain, realizing as I spoke how lame I sounded. "I'm sorry, Sayu. I know that I haven't-"

"That's okay though!" Sayu interrupted, suddenly altering (disguising?) her voice to sound more cheerful. "I'm just happy you're not skipping out on Light's birthday."

I was mortified. Did she really think I was that distant? I had to put her straight.

"Oh, I would never do-"

"Sayu, what are you saying?" Aunt Sachiko rounded the corner from the kitchen. She was giving Sayu a warning look to behave. Sayu seemed to receive the nonverbal hint.

"Nothing, mom. I was just greeting Etsuko. And dad! Oh, and Mr. Matsuda!"

Sayu moved on to welcome her father and Matsuda while Aunt Sachiko wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back, my nose pressed against her sweater. I breathed in that familiar smell of my aunt's gentle perfume and had a strange desire to cry.

_I don't want to leave. I've missed them so much. I don't want to leave at the end of tonight._

Aunt Sachiko slowly released me from her arms and smiled. "It's so good to see you, Etsuko. And don't worry." She leaned in and murmured softly in my ear. "Tonight is one to celebrate."

I looked into my aunt's understanding eyes and she almost perfectly mirrored uncle's previous unspoken message: _We won't bring up the topic of your situation tonight. _

It was difficult to gaze back into my aunt's eyes. They were similar to Sayu's eyes: Curious and eager, but instead of being slightly annoyed, they glimmered more with a restrained kind of sadness. Nauseating guilt washed over me as I looked into her eyes.

I appreciatively smiled back and squeezed my aunt's hand, "Thank you, auntie." I quickly changed topics, not wanting to look any further into those eyes. "So, where is Light?"

Sayu snorted softly and laughed, "Probably stuffing his face with cake already."

"I think you're mistaking me for you, Sayu."

I turned around at the unmistakable voice and, sure enough, Light was standing in the doorway to the living room, a teasing smirk plastered on his face. Sayu skirted around him and impishly stuck her tongue out at him before dashing into the kitchen.

Light greeted his father and Matsuda as they continued to hang up their jackets and unlace their shoes. He then turned his attention on me, his eyes roaming my face.

"Hello Etsuko."

I responded by taking a couple of steps towards him and offering him the gift bag. His eyes glanced briefly at it before darting back to me. I timidly smiled, feeling somewhat shy standing in front of my cousin. Or maybe I was confusing my shyness for guiltiness.

"Happy birthday, Light." I nudged the gift bag into his hands, waiting for him to take it. He took it without looking at it and continued to gaze back at me. His eyes were bright and cheerful, but there was a thin layer of defensiveness that coated his eyes, disguising some other emotion that lay dormant behind his gaze.

"I'm happy that you could make it, Etsuko, and weren't too busy with school work to come," Light good naturedly said, his eyes never leaving my face and his smile rigidly still in place.

It briefly made its appearance. That hidden emotion surfaced through Light's tone of voice instead of through his eyes. His last few words were laced with a thinly veiled tone of skepticism; he doubted the explanation for why I had been distant. What he really wanted to say soon became blaringly obvious in the almost mocking, self-assured look that he gave me before quickly morphing his face back into the calm, cheerful mask that he had been wearing before.

_I'm happy that you could make it, Etsuko, and weren't too busy with __**whatever's keeping you all hidden away – what could that possibly be, I wonder?**_

I came to the realization that Light was waiting for an answer, a reassurance that he had a very real right to question the reasons I had given him. I answered with as much conviction and boldness that I could muster, all the while remembering that there were cameras in the house.

"Schoolwork wouldn't have kept me away from celebrating with you and everyone else," I stated matter-of-factly and continued to stare into Light's unblinking eyes, trying to fiercely convey what my mouth could not.

_Nothing could have kept me away from this evening._

Light slightly raised an eyebrow, a simple movement that contained an unspoken question.

_Oh? And what exactly is this "nothing" that you mention?_

I fidgeted nervously on the spot and my eyes briefly darted to Matsuda and then discreetly around the front entranceway. Light got the message loud and clear with a solid blink of his eyes.

_I understand. It's not secure to say so at this time._

A slight tilt of my head confirmed his silent remark. Uncle and Matsuda proceeded to the living room, with Light and I right behind them.

Light slowed down his pace and teasingly stated, "Well, I'm glad to hear that you're not too busy for your younger cousin."

He laughed heartily, a polished ending to his well-meaning comment. That was how it would have appeared to anyone else in the room. But his laughter was the perfect distraction from his eyes. He bowed his head slightly so that only I would be able to see them. A shiver went up my spine where it nestled and lingered at the base of my neck.

His eyes were unrestrained in their insistence. They demanded and pressured. They smoldered with a fiery desire for answers, for real explanations. No more pretending. No more tricks. He wanted the _truth._

I don't know how I was able to discern his nonverbal question (his demand) by just staring nervously into his dark, serious eyes, but what he wanted seemed as tangible as the charming smile that he still had plastered on his face.

_You still on my side, Etsuko?_

I quickly looked away, confused and troubled by his unspoken question. A question that had pleaded more than enquired. I disciplined my face into a neutral expression, hiding the inner turmoil that churned and swirled within me.

_Is that what he really asked or did I just misinterpret? 'Am I still on his side?' What does that even mean?! Does he think I'm against him?! Why would he think that or does he –_

Light was impatient for an answer; he stepped in front of me with two sake cups in his hands, his eyes searching mine for a response. I decided to answer him out loud as I took one of the cups from him.

"Of course." I shakily took a sip of my drink and repeated myself for good measure. "Of course I still have time for you, Light. I always will."

Light's statuesque face remained unaltered (attractive smile and everything still in place), but the flame of persistence that had burned behind his eyes was extinguished by my satisfying answer. His eyes appeared to brighten with joy. His smile widened. I smiled back nervously, feeling uneasy with what had just transpired.

_How much does he really suspect? How much does he really know? He always seems to know-_

Light clinked our cups together and raised his glass in a toast. In a relieved, smooth voice he whispered, "Good."

**...**

_It was nothing, nothing major at all. It was a misinterpretation, a mistake. He meant something else, something that made sense. _

I held my fingers under the bathroom tap, the cold water coming out in gushes. I touched my wet fingers to the back of my neck and rubbed them back and forth. I slowly breathed out, trying to get my nerves composed. After Light's impromptu toast I had not-so-subtly dashed out of the living room to the bathroom. Light's behaviour and look had shaken me badly. His eyes had been so demanding, so hard, so cold -

_Think about it later. You will not let it ruin this night. Not tonight. Think about it later. In fact, don't think about it at all. Forget about it. Simply dismiss it far, far away. _

I turned off the tap and quickly fixed my hair before exiting the bathroom. My family was going to be arriving any second and I didn't want to not be there –

"'Suko!"

I froze mid-step as I entered the living room, my mouth parting slightly as I stared at the gangly, beaming teenage girl before me. She offered me a toothy, braces-filled smile before rushing up to smother me in a bear hug. She pressed her face right up against my neck. I had the sudden urge to back away as I breathed in the overwhelming amount of fruity body spray that she had drenched herself in. Instead, I leaned in closer and smiled as I gently rested my chin on top of her head. I hugged my sister tightly back.

"We just got here a few seconds ago and were all wondering where you had run off to and then realized you were in the bathroom and laughed at the funny timing of it all and..." My sister suddenly broke the hug and inquisitively looked me in the eye. "Well, aren't you going to say something?"

I had the urge to roll my eyes and comment on how impossible it was to get a word in edgewise when she was lapping up all the silence, but settled with a gentler remark, knowing she would appreciate it a lot more.

"Kaida..." And suddenly I didn't really know what to say to her after months of not seeing and talking to her. I settled with the first thing that popped in my head.

"Your hair has grown so long!"

My sister had no problem rolling her eyes as she flipped her long, dark mane of hair behind her shoulder and laughed. "That's all you have to say? Isn't there something you wanted to ask me? About a certain contest that I was preparing for, hmm?"

_Which one do I start with?_

I raced through my memory to try to retrieve the information I needed, but Kaida had no patience for my contemplation. She excitedly burst forth a sputter of words, "The Tottori City Annual Youth Art Contest! The one I've been preparing for since November! Remember?"

"Oh, yes! How did you-"

"I got first place out of the watercolour division!" Kaida squealed and then quickly waved her hand in a show of mock humility. "There wasn't too much competition this year though. But still, first!"

_That's great, Kaida! But did you really expect me to be surprised, sister?_

But that's exactly what I did. "Oh, wow! That's great, Kaida!" I beamed with pride and admiration as my sister continued to babble on about her other most recent accomplishments.

"And my debating team got to the semi-finals last week, so there's a lot of preparation for that, but I just finished my last editorial for the school newspaper, so that's out of the way. Now I can focus on just perfecting my – oh! But 'Suko! How's school going? Sayu tells me that you still haven't met any nice boys yet. Is that true?! Really, time's ticking and all! You don't want to be stuck with the messy leftovers!"

I tried to think of a teasing remark to fling right back at her, but instead I lowered my eyes and remained silent.

_How I wish I could trade my current troubles for the problem of finding a boyfriend. I would choose "messy leftovers" over Inspector Ryuga any day –_

Kaida perceptively clued in on my sudden silence and reached out for me again, bringing me into another firm embrace. "Oh, I was just teasing, 'Suko! You know that!"

Kaida suddenly leaned in close to my ear and softly whispered, her voice rich with unrestrained curiosity, "What's up, sis? You seem more tightly-strung and quiet than usual. Is everything alri-"

"Kaida, don't squish your sister. It's not very lady-like."

Kaida instantly backed away, her face all of a sudden serious and composed. Her eyes downcast, she quietly murmured, "Sorry, mom." She dashed away to the far side of the living room where Sayu was. She found her chatty voice again and the two girls delved into their own world of pop stars and teen magazines.

As my mother approached me, I instinctively straightened my posture and lifted my chin. She set her hands gently on my shoulders, her long, slender fingers absently picking off stray fluffs from my sweater. She looked as calm and collected as she always did. Her hair was pinned up with a clip, not one stray hair visible. Her clothes were perfectly ironed, perfectly matched, and perfectly expensive. Her face was poised and serene. She would have been the very embodiment of graceful tranquility had it not been for her voice.

"Etsuko, dear," my mother's monotonous, distant voice murmured in my ear as she leaned in close to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. She straightened back up into her perfect, rigid posture and slowly took her hands away from my shoulders. She folded her hands nicely in front of her skirt. I instinctively did the same.

"Mom," I responded, trying to adapt my voice to sound as polished as my mother's. Minus the distant part.

"Your aunt has told me that you've been studying very hard."

"Yes, very hard," I instantly agreed as I eagerly looked back into my mother's eyes.

_Please say you're satisfied. _

My mother persisted, not quite done her inspection of my study habits. "And there haven't been any distractions?"

_Distractions meaning superficial hobbies, antisocial friendships, boys in any shape or form –_

"No, no, not at all," I quickly reassured.

A curt smile graced my mother's face and she nodded, pleased. "Good."

I fidgeted awkwardly on the spot (and tried to ignore the reprimanding look that my mother aimed towards my shuffling feet) and quietly asked, "So, how's work?"

My mother gracefully waved her hand and looked over to the side. She wistfully sighed, "The same as usual."

I nodded and moved on to a more agreeable topic. "Everything is going well back home?"

I had hit the jackpot. "Well! The carpet needs to be ripped out and replaced. And the shingling needs to be redone, but you know your father can't do that, so I'll have to hire someone to come and do that. I can't imagine what the neighbours think of that horrid panelling! It has to be done soon-"

"Where is that eldest daughter of mine?"

My eyes instantly left my mother's face and darted throughout the room, trying to find the owner of the voice that had just spoken. My sight grazed throughout the room, weaving between the other occupants who chatted away with one another.

My mother noticed that I had ceased from listening to her go on about how inappropriate and distasteful our house back home in Tottori City had become. I looked at her, finally realizing she had stopped talking. I searched her eyes, asking (pleading) with her. She sighed softly and the corners of her delicate lips turned slightly upwards.

She waved her hand dismissively and said, "Go on."

I smiled in appreciation, quickly left my mother's presence, and walked further into the living room to find the source of the voice. It wasn't long before I was face-to-face with the voice's owner.

My dad warmly looked up at me from his seat on the couch. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he flashed me that signature smile of his; it was unapologetic in its bare-faced expression of joy and acceptance, with a little hint of mischievousness that tugged at the corners of his lips. He quickly brushed his unruly hair out of his eyes, premature grey hairs interspersed with the black, before he held his arms out to me. He chuckled as I continued to stand in front of him, staring with my hands bunched into fists at my sides. Trying to contain my excitement.

"Well, are you going to hug your old man already or what?" My dad laughed, stretching his thin arms out even wider.

I didn't need to be told twice and instantly bent down to be embraced by his arms. Usually I would try to be gentle when hugging my dad, but I couldn't contain my joy at seeing him and fiercely hugged him back. We remained in our embrace for several silent seconds, not wanting or needing to say anything at first. All I wanted was to be close to him. I breathed in his familiar aftershave and felt a bit of stubble that was missed by his shaver prickle my cheek. I held tightly on to him.

He shifted his head a little more towards me and whispered affectionately into my ear, "I've missed you, sweetheart."

I smiled into his shirt collar and fiercely whispered back, "I missed you too, dad." I clenched my eyes shut and felt a few tears gather at the corners of my eyes. I quickly wiped them away on the back of my hand before anyone could see.

My dad gently released me from his embrace and I sat down beside him on the couch. His brow furrowed slightly as he noticed my watery eyes. He tucked a stray hair behind my ear and softly said, "What's wrong, my Etsu?"

I wiped harder at my eyes and shook my head dismissively. "Nothing, nothing. I'm just happy to see you, dad. I mean, to see you, mom, and Kaida."

My dad smiled broadly back and squeezed my hand tightly. "We're happy to see you, too."

I gripped his hand back and stared deep into his eyes. "Everything's alright? You're alright, doing fine?"

It was my dad's turn to be dismissive. "Yes, yes. Everything's fine, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" I worriedly asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," my dad patiently responded. I couldn't help but worry still as I gazed back at him, noticing his drawn, pale face. His eyes appeared tired, although I could tell that he was trying to fight his fatigue by blinking continuously. I also noticed that he had lost a few pounds since the last time I had seen him in December. His dress shirt hung a little too loosely on him. I didn't comment though, knowing that the last thing he wanted was for me to worry.

My dad purposely moved the topic away from himself. "So, school's going well? Still want to be a teacher?"

"Yes, school's going well."

"How's that friend of yours doing? Fumiko, right?"

_I have no clue how she's doing. I haven't seen her in months. I wonder if she's wondering where I've gone off to. _

I looked down at my dad's hand and softly skimmed his knuckles with my fingers, trying to distract myself as I lied to him. "Good. She's doing good. Busy with school as well."

My dad leaned in a bit closer and mumbled softly, if not a bit teasingly, "No boyfriend that I have to be worried about yet? Or should I say that your mother should be worried about yet?" He nudged me teasingly with his elbow.

I teasingly nudged him back and smiled as I shook my head. "No, no boyfriend to be worried about."

He looked into my eyes, his gaze almost politely trying to figure out what was going on in my head, what I was thinking. He leaned back in the couch cushions, his hand still grasped within mine.

He smirked slightly as he said, "I'm sure there's a lot to catch up on, eh?"

I met my dad's eyes, and for the first time since I had joined him on the couch, my smile faltered a little. I breathed out softly through my nose and nodded.

"Yes, I'm sure there is."

_More than you could possibly know._

**...**

"All I'm saying is that the crime rates have dramatically gone down since this all began. I'm not justifying his actions at all, just stating the facts."

Uncle Soichiro nodded as he nursed his cup of sake, his eyes not meeting my dad's. "I know, I know. Believe me, it's not that I haven't realized that."

"I guess you still can't say too much about what's going on with the case, huh, dad?" Sayu spoke up, her attention barely being held by Light's slow progress of unwrapping his gifts.

"No, Sayu, that is strictly confidential. All I can tell you is that we are working very hard at uncovering who Kira is."

I shifted uneasily between my dad and Light. It was obvious by the uncomfortable grimace on my face that I wasn't keen on the topic of conversation, but I was at least thankful that it was the first time Kira had been brought up over the course of the evening. Dinner had flowed smoothly, with catching up with one another and discussing other recent news events. Aunt Sachiko and my mother had firmly made it known before dinner that any discussion of the Kira case was strictly not allowed at the dinner table. They hadn't mentioned anything about after supper and cake though.

So here we were, watching Light unwrap his gifts and listening to discussion and debate about Kira. My dad and Matsuda quite enjoyed discussing the conversation topic, whereas Uncle Soichiro hung back more than expected from discussing society's head judge. Sayu and Kaida, wanting to be included in the adults' conversation, chirped in their opinions every once and awhile. Aunt Sachiko and my mother clucked their tongues and shook their heads, mostly keeping their dissatisfaction with the topic to themselves. Unsurprisingly, I remained silent the entire time.

Shockingly, Light kept his mouth shut for most of the conversation, his attention seemed to be held with unwrapping his presents. But I knew that Light was listening by the way his eyes lit up at times and the way his lips twitched, as if he was on the verge of speaking out. He was silently taking everything in that was being said. Savouring it. Almost basking in it.

"My debating teacher is trying to convince the school board to allow the topic of whether Kira is a good influence on society or not for our debating championships. I don't see how that would be fair though. I mean, the side for Kira would be at a great disadvantage."

Matsuda opened his mouth to respond to my sister, but was cut off by my mother's stern voice. "I will have to have a word with your debating teacher, Kaida." Aunt Sachiko nodded slightly and gave my mother an understanding look, as if to say, _Not a topic for children to discuss._

My dad, his eyes twinkling with interest, addressed Matsuda, "You were going to say something, Matsuda?"

Matsuda fidgeted slightly in his seat, perhaps unsure with how exactly to respond. I had noticed throughout dinner that he had mostly remained silent; I had assumed he had felt left out being the only non-family member at the table. His hesitancy at that moment added more weight to my assumption.

Or perhaps he was just not used to having people ask for his opinion?

Matsuda clumsily stuttered out, "We-well, the side for Kira may have more arguments than you think, Kaida." He paused and looked at my uncle, his eyes asking for permission to continue. When my uncle didn't look up from the bottom of his cup, Matsuda turned to my dad, who gave him a reassuring smile to go on. My eyes remained on Matsuda, mildly curious of what he was going to say.

"I mean, when you consider how many murderers and thieves and terrorists Kira has killed, you've got to wonder how many citizens and families and whole nations have experienced relief from his actions." Matsuda hastily continued on. "I-I'm not saying that I agree with Kira's methods, but, well, it's hard to debate completely against him when he seems to have, um, some good intentions."

I felt Light tense up beside me, his fingers momentarily still from untying a ribbon.

"I mean, even though I haven't worked as a police officer for very long, I've seen the suffering that victims and their families go through and how badly they want justice to be served. Perhaps, well, in his own misguided way, Kira could bring that sense of closure that they desire, a feeling of justice even. Or a-am I completely wrong?"

Matsuda's discourse was met with a reflective silence. Uncle stared harder into his glass. Kaida and Sayu were uncharacteristically quiet and still. Aunt Sachiko flashed my mother a worried look before looking down into her lap. My mother's constant state of composure was momentarily cracked as she turned away, her hand covering her mouth. Light remained perfectly still, his eyes gazing fixedly, emotionlessly at Matsuda. Apart from Light, my dad was the only other person who looked at Matsuda. But instead of a grim expression that everyone else was trying to prevent from crossing their face, my dad smiled encouragingly at Matsuda and slowly nodded his head. I stared at my dad, amazed at his resiliency.

Matsuda smiled awkwardly back at my dad, confusion written all over his face. The silence continued to stretch on for several more seconds. A silence that Matsuda did not understand.

Finally, Light broke the silence, his voice soft and steady.

"You make a very interesting point, Matsuda. Wouldn't you agree, Uncle Akio?"

My dad turned slightly to Light and smiled solemnly before turning straight back to Matsuda, still aware that uncle's young rookie police officer was struggling with doubt over his opinions.

"Like Light said, you make a valid point, Matsuda. One that is hard to swallow, but compelling nonetheless."

Uncle smiled bitterly and nodded, his eyes still not having left the bottom of his cup. My mother and Aunt Sachiko quickly, urgently, moved on to another topic. Kaida and Sayu began to chat amongst themselves.

My dad sighed and asked a question aimed towards no one in particular, "All this talk about Kira certainly brings up interesting thoughts, doesn't it?"

"Indeed it does, brother," Uncle Soichiro lowly muttered as he stood up to bring a bottle of sake to the coffee table.

"It makes you wonder what Kira himself thinks of it all," Light vaguely remarked as he unwrapped a winter sweater from my mother and dad.

I turned to him, curious but also dreading to hear him expand on his comment, when Matsuda turned to me and asked, "What do you think of it all, Etsuko?"

I looked at him and tried to read the intention behind his eyes. It floored me every time I looked at him how transparent he could be. His intentions were always so easy to understand, his eyes never held back. He was never secretive.

He wasn't asking me because he wanted the attention away from himself. He genuinely wanted to know my opinion on the matter.

_If only he knew how much I hated being put on the spot like this, I'm sure he would never have asked._

"Um, well..." I paused and looked away, not being able to make eye contact with anyone. I could still feel the stares on me, especially Light's anticipating gaze.

I shrugged and continued, "I guess I just want things to be normal. Or, um, to be peaceful."

Kaida abruptly spoke up, having had silently listened to our remarks, "That's not much of an opinion, sis!"

I flashed Kaida an annoyed look, not needing her criticism when I already felt intimidated being put on the spot. My irritation vanished when my dad reached out and squeezed my hand encouragingly.

He held my sister's eye and gently said, "It's a perfectly fine opinion, Kaida."

"One that we all agree with," Light commented, his eyes firmly set on mine. I stared back, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like him and I were on the same page, on the same word, at the same time.

The feeling vanished quickly though as I saw a flicker of something behind Light's eyes, something unreadable and secretive. Something that seemed to have been ignited by my last comment. Something that bore the resemblance to arrogance perhaps.

I broke away from his gaze and reached out for the gift bag on the coffee table. "Here, Light. Open mine next."

Light smirked slightly, his eyes sharp with awareness of how I was steering his attention away from the topic of Kira. He simply nodded and took the bag from me.

His reaction to the pens was exactly what I had been hoping for. A wide, genuine grin broke out on his face. His eyes flashed with approval as his fingers gracefully studied the pens.

I really didn't have to ask, but I wanted an answer nonetheless.

"Do you like them?"

Light's eyes broke away from the inscription on the pens and looked at me, his eyes gleaming with pride. "Yes. I'll put them to good use."

I beamed, satisfied and content. Before he could thank me, I quickly reminded him, "Don't forget the card!"

"Oh, of course." Light set the pens down in their case and fished inside the gift bag. My heart sped up as he plucked the card from within the mesh of tissue paper.

_Okay, Light. It's up to you now._

Light opened the card and his eyes graced quickly over the written words inside:

"_Happy Birthday, Light! _

_ May you uncover the magic behind this special day!_

_ All the best for the year to come!_

_Love, Etsuko"_

Directly opposite to the written message was a little, hurried drawing that I had done of a magician pulling cards out of his sleeves. A little speech bubble beside the drawing read: _"They were up my sleeves!"_

I clasped my hands firmly in my lap, my nails digging into my palms. I had wanted to italicize the word "magic," but was fearful that it would look suspicious. Who knew how close up those cameras of Inspector Ryuga's could zoom in? I was hoping that the uncharacteristic greeting and drawing would sufficiently help Light to read between the lines of my message. That the same memory of his eighth birthday party would come soaring back to him.

At first, he looked puzzled by my strange greeting; it sounded much too corny and childish of a greeting for an eighteen year old guy. The drawing appeared to stump him as well. Slowly though, the confusion that had initially clouded his eyes cleared and realization began to dawn on him as to what I was trying to convey. His lips twitched slightly upwards into an entertained smirk as he turned to me.

"You reminded me how much I_ love_ magicians, Etsuko. Remember how we always tried to dissect their tricks together?" He flashed a look towards the staircase and laughed lightly before returning his unwavering gaze on me.

The word "love" had been spoken at a slightly lower volume, meaning the exact opposite: hate. The rest of his comment and his quick look towards the stairs had me convinced that he had remembered.

A faint smile crossed my face. So far things were going well.

_Good. He seems to have remembered the whole magician incident at his eighth birthday party. He knows what I'm referring to. Now all he needs to do is read even further into the message. To connect it to what's going on in the present._

"Yes, I do remember." I thought I would keep my answer short and sweet, not wanting to give him a wrong lead by answering too much.

Light didn't need any more persuasion and instantly replied back as he glanced quickly down at the card, "Truthfully..." Light folded his left hand over his right before he continued, "I don't know how much "'magic...'" Right hand over left hand, "...there is to uncover..." A very slight pause to breath in, "...**today** or during the _**next**_** few months**? **University** is really the only real **substantial event** to look forward to. It's the only thing that will bring about **change** for me in the foreseeable future."

My eyes widened slightly and I controlled my breathing to sound calm. Light's response was a doozy, filled with all types of hidden messages and unspoken meanings. I began to decipher his response.

Folding the left hand over the right hand after a word is the pre-runner of switching the word with another. Folding the right hand over the left hand after another word means that the first word is switched with the second: _"Truthfully" was switched with "magic." _For the sake of the particular message that Light was trying to convey, I concluded that where the word "truth" ended up was much more important than where the word "magic" was placed.

A very slight pause to take a shallow, quick breath is to convey the end of a sentence in the unspoken message, when the spoken sentence is still carrying on: _The unspoken sentence ends after "uncover."_

Lowering the voice in tone gives clues to which words should be focused on: _"Today," "Next year," "University," "Substantial event," and "change."_

Lowering the voice in volume means the opposite of what was spoken: _"Next" really meant "previous."_

I struggled and questioned my deciphering. I began to think of what Light wanted answers to, of his suspicions, of his feelings towards my secretive situation. And as I looked into his eyes, I recognized the same look that he had given me when he had first visited my fake apartment, when I had stepped through the front door a few hours ago, when all of this began months ago. That unbridled suspicious, almost knowing look.

His hidden message didn't sound very smoothly in my head, but as I quickly repeated it in my mind a second time, I felt satisfied with my interpretation of what Light was trying to convey:

"_I don't know how much truth there is to uncover behind this charade of yours, Etsuko. Has this all been a charade just for today, or has it been going on during the previous months? Did you really experience a substantial event at university, such as an anti-Kira attack, that created all of this change? In other words, you moving out into that apartment?"_

I answered in three sentences, each one answering his unspoken questions. I spoke confidently and proudly, desperate to have my cousin understand.

"Light, there's **a lot **for you to look forward to. The _**next **_**few months **are going to be very exciting. And **no**..." I took a breath and continued steadily, "...university is just the beginning and I know that you know that. There is **so much more** to look forward to! **So much more than you could imagine**, I'm sure."

Light blinked, his silent acknowledgement of his understanding of my response.

"_Light, there is a lot for you to uncover behind this charade of mine. It has been going on during the previous few months. And no, I did not experience an anti-Kira attack on campus...and you know it, don't you? There is so much more to tell you. So much more than you could imagine."_

Light continued to sit perfectly still, but his eyes were restless. Now that he had gotten this far, he needed to know more.

He took my hand and gripped it hard. "So supportive and encouraging, Etsuko. I'm fortunate to have a cousin who can **share all** of her experiences and tips with me. Whether it be **university** or **anything else**."

Light tightened his hold on my hand to the point of being painful. His eyes were rippling with emotion. His unspoken message was anything but flattering. It was urgent and demanding and, dare I say it, desperate.

"_Tell me! Tell me everything! Whatever it is, I need to know! I want to know-"_

Light suddenly saw the fear behind my eyes. The fear that I had been trying to hide. But I couldn't help it – he was scaring me. He slowly let go of my hand and breathed slowly out, his eyes becoming gentler. But there was still that fiery persistence burning away behind his irises.

He calmly added, "It's comforting to know that I can always **trust **_**your**_good opinion, cousin."

"_Trust me. You can trust me."_

My heart hammered unmercifully against my chest. My hands were sweaty and my breathing quickened. It was time. It was finally time. All of the waiting and thinking and rethinking. All of the time spent on longing to tell him. All of the frustration and anger and confusion. Finally. Finally I was going to be able to tell him, to let him in on the secret.

No more pretending. No more tricks. It was time to tell him the truth.

I smiled and squeezed his hand tight. My eyes gazed unwaveringly into his. I took a deep breath and said, "Thank you, Light. It goes both ways. And I-"

"Oh, what beautiful pens! Are they from you, 'Suko?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to restrain my anger at my sister's extremely poor timing to interrupt.

_Not now, Kaida! Of all times to break away from your conversation with Sayu! Just wait a little longer! Just wait until I tell Light –_

"Yes, they are, Kaida. Now I was in the middle of talking to-"

"Light, you still have more presents to open. You still need to open the gift from your father and I." Aunt Sachiko leaned over towards the coffee table and placed a present in Light's lap. Light smiled gratefully at his mother, but a sharp tint of irritation graced his eyes.

He spoke in a rather rigid tone. "Thank you, mom. I was just finishing up thanking Etsuko for her present and-"

"Oh, we never saw what Etsuko bought you!" Aunt Sachiko gently picked up the pens in their case and admired them with my mother. "Oh, lovely, Etsuko! Where did you get them?"

Light flashed me a rather stern look that very bluntly said: _Hurry and give a quick answer. We aren't done yet._

In a rush, I answered, "I ordered them from a catalogue. A store that specializes in personalized keepsakes."

"Light, hurry up and open what mom and dad got you! You still have my present!" Sayu exclaimed, as she started bouncing up and down on the couch.

"Yes, Light. Don't keep us waiting, dear. Your aunt, uncle, and cousin have an early start in the morning back to Tottori City," Aunt Sachiko added.

"That reminds me. Would you fetch my purse, Etsuko? There are some pictures of the remolded office that I wanted to show your aunt." My mother placed her tea cup on the table and gave me a polite, expectant look. A look that was more of an order than a request.

I opened my mouth to speak and quickly looked at Light. He refrained from looking at me. His eyes were shadowed by his fringe that he let fall over his face. He began to open my aunt's and uncle's present. Although he appeared calm and quietly content, I knew that deep down inside he was seething. He had come so close to getting an answer and the opportunity had been snatched away as suddenly as it had presented itself.

I quietly murmured to him before I got up to fetch my mother's damn purse. "We'll continue our conversation when I get back."

_This isn't over because we got interrupted. We'll continue._

Light snorted softly and whispered under his breath, barely being able to contain the derisive tone in his voice, "If we have time."

_We won't have time. The opportunity is ruined._

And he was right. As soon as I returned to the living room with my mother's purse, everyone was immersed in new conversation, with Light being the centre of attention (it being his birthday and all). It wasn't long before talk headed towards goodbyes and any chance that I would have had with Light all to myself was gone. I had had the opportunity and it had slipped between my fingers so quickly that I had no chance to snatch it back.

As I sat there on the couch, barely listening to the idle chit chat, I battled with the fierce urge to drag Light away from the living room and talk to him one-on-one away from everyone else. To just come out and tell him everything. Damn Inspector Ryuga and his cameras! Damn him and his regulations and restrictions! I would suffer the consequences – so be it!

But at the same time I worried that I wouldn't be the only one suffering the consequences. He may make Light suffer, he may punish Light as well. Because that was what Inspector Ryuga did: Just when you thought he had struck you as far down as you thought you could fall, he struck you down even further until you were just continuously falling down. Endlessly falling without being able to pull yourself up.

I settled with discreetly glancing up at the different corners of the room, glaring at each corner as if a camera was there. And who knew? Maybe there was one of his cameras in every stupid corner of the living room. Well, then I sure hoped that he would be able to see the fierceness of my glare, would be able to feel the bite in my gaze.

At the end of the evening, after my parents and sister had left and uncle, Matsuda, and I were saying our goodbyes in the front entranceway, I threw away my hesitations and prepared to do the one thing that I couldn't leave the evening without doing. I may have lost my chance to explain everything to Light, but there was something he had to know. Something that I had to warn him about. Warn him of something he did not even fully understand.

After hugging my aunt and Sayu, I turned to Light and embraced him in a tight hug. Without disguising any of my words, I leaned in close to his ear and whispered as quietly, but as fiercely, as I could, "You're being watched, Light. Please be careful."

Light's breath made me shiver as he whispered back, desperation clearly evident in his voice, "Who, Etsuko? Tell me their name."

"His name is-"

"Hey! Why does Light get such a long hug? You barely even hugged me back, Etsuko!" Sayu tugged me away from Light and wrapped her arms around me, trying to force me to hug her a second time. I limply put my arms around Sayu, in disbelief that I was interrupted yet again.

Fate seemed to be against me.

I left the house in a state of numbed anger; irritation that I didn't know how to express. Matsuda and my uncle seemed to sense that something was wrong, but after inquiring if everything was alright and getting fake, amiable responses from me, they soon stopped asking and we drove home in silence.

When we parked in the hotel parkade and Matsuda had walked a little ways ahead, I tugged on uncle's jacket sleeve and stopped him in his tracks. He looked at me, confused.

"Yes, Etsuko?"

I didn't waste any time.

"Uncle, I tried to tell Light. I tried to tell him everything. But I was interrupted, I wasn't able to-"

"Etsuko, you tried telling-"

"I know I'm not supposed to, but I just had to tell him. I've waited weeks and weeks for this night, planning on when and how to tell him. And finally when I got the chance, it slipped away. I wasn't able to and now who knows when I'll ever get the chance again."

Uncle Soichiro blinked a few times as he registered what I was telling him. He rubbed his hand across his face and sighed heavily. Uncle had had a peaceful evening and now, at the last moment, I had selfishly burdened him with worry.

Matsuda paused on his way to the parkade door and called, "Everything alright?"

Uncle, without looking at Matsuda, waved at him and tiredly called back, "Yes, everything's alright, Matsuda. We'll be there in a second."

Matsuda proceeded to the door and uncle turned to me, his face set in an expression that I hadn't been expecting to see. Instead of appearing exhausted and weighed down with distress, Uncle Soichiro wore a face of fierce determination. The strength and unshakable resolve that had always defined my uncle had resurfaced. He clamped down his hands on my shoulders and spoke in that firm, but kind voice of his that I hadn't heard in months.

"I'm working on it, Etsuko."

I shook my head and muttered, no longer being able to keep my disappointment and upset from entering my voice, "Working on what, uncle? Please don't keep me in the dark."

Uncle Soichiro sighed heavily again, but continued on as steadily as before, "Just be patient. And please don't do anything reckless. Just please be patient and trust me."

_I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of being told to just sit idly by and wait. I'm tired of this shit. _

But I nodded obediently and uncle and I caught up with Matsuda. Randomly, the conversation that Light and I had had on the staircase long ago at his eighth birthday party popped into my head again, and I couldn't help but think of what I had said. Of the mantra that I had pretty much lived my life believing.

_Ignorance is bliss. _

I couldn't help but feel that maybe that wasn't so. That being in the dark wasn't as soothing and peaceful as it once had been. That instead it was lonely. That instead it was aggravating. That instead it was the prison that I was walking right back into when I entered the hotel doors.

**...**

One month had passed before uncle made good on his promise. He came to me on a drizzly March afternoon and stood before my desk. I blearily looked up at him, having stared at my computer screen all day. He wasn't smiling, but his words brought the only good news that I had heard all month.

"You don't have to be patient any longer."

**...**

**A/N: Quote on Light's pens is by Wilfred Peterson. So, the next two chapters are going to be quite the doozy to write as things are going to be taking a turn in a new direction (well, let's just say that some characters aren't going to be in the dark about certain things anymore). Wish me luck! I always appreciate feedback, so if you have a sec to leave a review, that would be great! **


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Phew! Well, this took me a long time and felt like a real effort to write. I just had so much I wanted to cover in this chapter. Hope you enjoy and that it was worth the wait!**

Chapter 10

"_Opportunity? Often it comes in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat." – Napoleon Hill_

**...**

Uncle led me to a bench right outside the hotel's revolving doors. It had stopped raining and the sun peaked out through the puffy clouds. Cabs and fancy cars came and went around the roundabout near the entrance of the hotel. Hotel employees dashed from the cars to the hotel, rolling away large suitcases on trolleys and graciously welcoming the high-paying guests. I had lost track of how many hotels we had moved to and from. Apparently, switching hotels periodically kept the investigation information confidential and protected. I couldn't help but think Inspector Ryuga just wanted to have a little taste of each high-end hotel in Tokyo for his own selfish reasons.

"You're going to your cousin's university entrance ceremony."

Uncle's words made any distractions disappear. I turned to him, wide-eyed and mouth slightly agape.

"Wh-what?"

"You're going to Light's To-Oh entrance ceremony a week from now. I've received...permission from Inspector Ryuga," Uncle patiently and calmly repeated.

I still didn't understand, my confusion smothering the joy that was struggling to be released.

"B-but, I had asked Inspector Ryuga weeks ago if I would be able to attend the ceremony. I-I had practically pleaded. He out rightly refused my request. Remember? He said that my actions had not been trustworthy enough the night of Light's birthday dinner to allow me to attend the ceremony."

Uncle bowed his head slightly, acknowledging that he remembered. When we had returned to the hotel that night, Inspector Ryuga had demanded to know if I had said anything to Light right before we had departed. If I had whispered anything to him in the middle of our farewell embrace. It had been my finest performance – my lie had been the most convincing one I had ever pulled from within me. Inspector Ryuga clearly had been skeptical of my sweet, reassuring response, and had demanded again. Uncle had stepped in and had assured Inspector Ryuga that I had said nothing, that he had been standing right beside me when I had hugged Light goodbye and could confirm that I had not whispered a thing. Inspector Ryuga had still appeared suspicious (didn't he always?), but had tolerated uncle's word and had ceased from asking me anymore. I remember feeling reassured that he trusted Uncle Soichiro's word even a little bit, but any relief had been crushed when he had swiftly announced that I was still not allowed to see Light. That I couldn't be trusted. He had plainly told me weeks later that I wasn't to attend Light's university entrance ceremony. He made it seem that his decision was based off of my untrustworthiness, but I knew, _I knew_, that it was because he was mad that he hadn't received the answer he had wanted the night of Light's birthday. That uncle and I had both stated that nothing was said to Light. He was mad and fuming, like a little child who didn't get what they wanted.

Inspector Ryuga's firm denial of my request weeks ago explained why I was confused by his change of mind. It wasn't like him. I made this clear to Uncle Soichiro.

"It's not like him to change his mind all of a sudden. He never goes back on his word. It's not like him at all."

Uncle Soichiro smiled bitterly. His eyes downcast, staring at the concrete, he replied, "Inspector Ryuga welcomes suspiciousness, but only when he's the one who's able to be suspicious."

My brow furrowed with deeper confusion, but I was interrupted before I could even verbalize my confusion over uncle's vague comment.

"I told him that your parents and sister would be coming to the ceremony. I told him that it would be odd if you weren't there with your aunt, Sayu, and I, but that it would be downright suspicious if your parents and sister made it to the ceremony, but not you. That they all would be suspicious...and Light would be as well. Very suspicious." Uncle paused and sighed as he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "He accepted my request for you to attend the ceremony, but only if certain restrictions were put in place, of course."

"But, uncle, my parents and sister aren't coming to the ceremony. They weren't able to—oh."

My brain finally caught up with my mouth as I realized the risk Uncle Soichiro had taken. Inspector Ryuga trusted him to an extent, and the fact that he had risked that trust by lying to Inspector Ryuga couldn't have been easy. I could only wonder at how long and hard it must have taken uncle to have worked up even a little bit of trust from Inspector Ryuga. If his lie, for my sake, became known to Inspector Ryuga, that little bit of trust would be gone. And probably would never return.

_Such a risky move just to make me happy. Does uncle care that much about me to lie like that to Inspector Ryuga, the very man who holds so much power over everyone? Over my uncle, the Chief of the NPA? _

"Uncle, you didn't have to, I mean..." I trailed off, realizing that I didn't sound very appreciative.

I shifted closer to uncle and quietly murmured, "Thank you. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how much I appreciate this."

Uncle nodded and stood up. I stood up with him and looked into his eyes, seeing that he still had something on his mind that he wanted to say.

"Etsuko, you should know that one of the restrictions is that you will not be able to speak with Light alone. That you will only be able to briefly say 'hello' with your aunt, Sayu, and I after the ceremony."

I had expected as much, but I didn't understand how this occasion would allow me to inform Light about...things. Hadn't uncle been working on having me speak to Light, in a similar way to his birthday dinner? Isn't that why he had asked me to be patient? I couldn't see how attending Light's university ceremony would allow me to have that opportunity.

Uncle continued, answering my unspoken questions like he was reading my mind. "You told me about a month ago, Etsuko, that you were tired of being kept in the dark. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you much. But know this.._.Light_ is not going to be kept in the dark for much longer. Inspector Ryuga will very soon see to that."

I blinked, even more confused now than I was before. And worried. What did uncle mean when he said Inspector Ryuga would see to Light not being in the dark for much longer? Was Inspector Ryuga finally, _finally_, going to speak with Light and rule him innocent of any Kira-related harassment that he may think Light is involved in?

"Uncle, what exactly does this have to do with the To-Oh entrance ceremony? And me being there?"

Uncle sighed, frustrated and worn out. Perhaps frustrated that he couldn't just answer me directly?

"I can't say, Etsuko. Don't worry though. You'll see. I'm hoping that you'll see."

Uncle left it at that and we headed back into the hotel. Understandably, I still felt confused and slightly worried, even with uncle's assurances that things would be alright. I resolved that I would just have to be patient. I could wait one more week before getting some answers. That is...if I was going to be getting any answers. Uncle had said that Light would not be kept in the dark any longer (whatever that exactly meant), but he didn't mention if I was going to see things any clearer. Would I still be stumbling around blind in the darkness?

**...**

Matsuda had been known to poke his head in my room on occasions, just to say 'hello' or ask how I was doing. Nothing very substantial, but it was meaningful nonetheless. It was a kind gesture that brought some warmth to the impersonal, lonely hotel rooms that I resided in. We hardly exchanged a few words before he would have to rush back to the other officers, but his presence provided a sense that things were somewhat ordinary, that my situation wasn't as screwed up as I felt it was.

A few days after my conversation with uncle, that normalcy came knocking.

I opened my bedroom door to Matsuda. He stood very much the same as he always did, straight, enthusiastic posture, but his feet always shuffling slightly back and forth on the carpet. He was dressed in his regular business suit (tie never perfectly straight) and his face was set in the same expression that he always seemed to wear when he knocked on my door: Cheerful and anticipative, but also slightly nervous and hesitant. The only different aspect in his appearance this time was that he was holding a deck of playing cards in one hand.

"Hi, Etsuko. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I was wondering, well. You had mentioned over a month ago that you were wondering if, uh, we could hang out sometime. Uh, remember?"

The memory came back when I had awkwardly asked Matsuda if he wanted to talk or something. We had been interrupted by that other police officer dragging Matsuda away.

I nodded, "Yes, I remember."

Matsuda nodded his head enthusiastically and smiled, happy that I had remembered. "And, well, I was just wondering if you had the time now to, well, I don't know, play a round of cards or something. I mean, if you have the time."

"Oh, well, um..." I looked away at the carpet and fumbled with the ends of my sleeves. I felt awkward and stupid all of a sudden, being put on the spot suddenly. Which was absolutely stupid in the first place, since all Matsuda was asking me was if I wanted to play cards, to hang out?

To be sociable once in my life...

I had turned down numerous potential friends before without a blink of an eye. Even when they had looked as expectant as Matsuda did at that moment. But I couldn't turn him down. No, it wasn't that I couldn't turn Matsuda away, but that I didn't _want_ to turn him down.

_Get a grip over yourself, Etsuko. It's a game of cards! Why is it so hard to say 'yes' to a simple card game? And with someone who you like – or who you find is a nice person. Why the hesitation over something so simple?_

The reply to my own question fired right back in my mind: _Because I don't know where this could lead and if I want it to lead somewhere further. I'm fine being by myself._

"Etsuko? Uh, if you're busy with something else, then that's okay as well. I, um, can come back another time."

And just like that, Matsuda's words made me realize how my answer was such a lie, was such a deception that I continuously fed myself out of habit. I didn't want to be alone.

_Of course you aren't busy with something else. You're bored out of your brain and want some company to fill that lonely hotel room of yours. Haven't these past few months made you realize how lonely you've been since you walked into all of this? How lonely you've been even before all this?_

I finally got a grip over myself and answered confidently, even excitedly, "No, no, I'm not too busy. Come on in, Matsuda!"

Matsuda grinned from ear to ear and entered my hotel room, a slight bounce to his step. I quickly overlooked my room to see how much of a mess it was, and breathed a sigh of relief that everything looked to be in neat order. We pulled up some chairs to the small table in front of the window and Matsuda began to deal the cards.

Instantly I was trying to figure out what to say, how to start conversation, how friendly I should be, even how comfortable I should be sitting, or –

"Do you mind if we play Tsū-ten-jakku? I haven't played it in a while, but it's one of my favorite games! None of the guys in the task force really enjoy it, but this one time when I got them to play it with me..."

As Matsuda continued with his anecdote, I relaxed with the realization that I didn't need to worry about starting off conversation. Matsuda could probably talk enough for both of us, and as we began to play our game of cards, I realized that he didn't even seem to mind if I didn't talk too much. He seemed content with my short remarks and easily filled in some of the more quiet gaps with his endless supply of good natured comments and funny stories. In between the moments of laughing over his stories and talking, I realized that I wasn't fussing over what to say or how to say things. I was simply enjoying myself.

It was a new experience for me. One that I could only contribute to Matsuda and how at ease he made me feel.

As I dealt out the cards for our third round, Matsuda leaned back in his chair and looked around my room. "Not too shabby of a room, huh?"

I momentarily stopped dealing out the cards, but then resumed as I cheerfully replied, "Yes, it's a very lovely room. All of the rooms have been very nice and comfortable."

Matsuda smiled and continued on, having bought into my fake cheerfulness. "And a really nice view of downtown!"

"Yep, very nice indeed," I squeaked out, my voice still sweetly high-pitched.

Matsuda looked at his cards and, without thinking, enthusiastically spurted, "Yeah, pretty nice space! The perfect home away from home!"

I cringed at his comment and brought my cards up to my face to hide my expression, which had quickly turned from fake cheeriness to genuine gloom.

I couldn't see Matsuda's face from behind my fan of cards, but the sudden, tense silence made me wonder if he had realized what exactly he had just said. I frantically searched for something to say to make the uncomfortable silence disappear.

"That novel you were talking about earlier, Matsuda, sounded very good. I wouldn't mind borrowing it from you if you don't mind-"

"Etsuko, I'm-"

"And you're just down the hallway, so it's not like it would be hard to give back to-"

"Etsuko, I'm sorry about what I said."

I paused and shook my head slightly in response, even though he probably couldn't see my head behind my cards. "Th-that's alright. No problem, no problem at all."

With my indirect recognition of what comment he was speaking of, Matsuda suddenly started to stutter as well, as if he was having a hard time getting words out, too. "I-I wasn't thinking. Of course, ah, of course this isn't a perfect home away from home, because, uh, well because you would much rather be home and not stuck here and, and-"

"It's okay though, you didn't know, uh, I mean, I know that you know, or, um knew, or...the point is, it's okay really. I'm over it. Uh! I mean, I was never really upset by it so-"

"Wh-what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry!"

"Yes, I'm sorry, too!"

Matsuda opened his mouth to probably ramble out another heartfelt apology, but instead stopped and looked at me a bit confused. "Uh, wh-what are you saying sorry for?"

I opened my mouth to instantly reply, but then realized that I had no clue what I was going to say. I sheepishly looked at my cards, embarrassed. "Uh, I...I don't know what I'm sorry for. Nothing, I guess. Uh, I guess I was just repeating you and..."

My sentence meandered away into silence. I felt stupid and self-conscious. We had been having such a nice time playing cards and talking, and now it had been ruined by one, awkward moment.

_Why can't anything just ever work out? Why do I always find myself in awkward situations?_

Suddenly, Matsuda burst out laughing. I jumped a little in my seat and lowered my cards to look at him, bewildered at his sudden eruption of laughter. He had leaned back further in his chair and had his hands covering his stomach, his eyes closed as he continued to laugh. His cards lay discarded face-up on the table. I just sat in the chair and stared at him, my cards still tightly grasped within my hands. I just listened to his laughter and couldn't help but linger on the thought that crossed my mind.

_He sounds so, so...so happy. I mean, most people do when they laugh, but they usually have some restraint to their laughter, some boundaries to how far they'll let their laugher go. But Matsuda...he just laughs. He's not holding anything back._

Matsuda's laughter slowly died down a bit and he wiped his eyes before breathing out, "Sorry, Etsuko, it's just...we make quite the pair stuttering over everything we say and apologizing left and right...even when there's really nothing to apologize for!"

Matsuda started to laugh again, although not as hard. Now that I had been let in on the "joke," I started to chuckle to myself. Matsuda's laughter was contagious and soon I was laughing along with him, even though any of the humour that had been a part of the situation had long since past.

As our laughter ceased, I looked at Matsuda and smiled at him, a realization dawning on me.

_I don't find myself in awkward situations. I _make_ awkward situations. Why can't I do like Matsuda and just laugh things off?_

I continued to smile at Matsuda as he wiped at his eyes, tears of mirth dotting the corners of his eyes. His cheeks were flushed and his chest was still heaving a bit from the exertion of laughing so hard.

Matsuda caught me smiling at him and returned the smile full force. I bashfully looked away, embarrassed for looking at him for so long. He saved me from even that little bit of embarrassment though as he said, "Well, another game?"

_I really want to, but is he just asking that to be polite when he really wants to leave? Or is he being genuine?_

One look from Matsuda gave me the clearest answer I would ever want. His mirthful eyes and lopsided grin gave me all of the reassurance I needed that he wanted to stay.

I nodded eagerly and answered, "Yes, very much another game."

Matsuda dealt out the cards and I leaned back in my chair, relaxed and content. I unfolded my hands from my lap and draped them lazily over the chair arms. A weird feeling came over me. It felt like a heaviness was being dropped from me, was being removed from my body and mind. I felt lighter. At peace.

It was my defenses being brought down. Maybe not all of them, but a good chunk of them were gone as I sat playing cards with Matsuda.

It wasn't until we had departed for the night, two hours later, that I realized how much I had missed that feeling of letting my defenses, of letting my mental walls, down.

It wasn't until the next morning when I realized how long it had been since I could be completely open with the one person who I had always felt I could be open with: Light.

Lately, I felt like I wasn't able to really connect with him, but was being kept at an increasing distance from him by the secretiveness that he wielded. I tried to dismiss the thought, but I had to admit that it wasn't just Inspector Ryuga who was trying to keep us at a distance, but Light himself who seemed to be pushing us further away from one another.

Frighteningly, I wondered if it would ever get to the point where I would be erecting defenses and walls up against my own cousin. It was a thought almost unbearable to ponder.

**...**

The date of the To-Oh entrance ceremony arrived quickly and I was more than prepared to attend. Uncle and I drove to the house and picked up Aunt Sachiko and Sayu before heading to the university. I had butterflies the whole ride there, queasy with the anticipation of...well, of what I did not know. Perhaps nothing would happen. But the words of Uncle Soichiro had stayed with me all week and had replayed themselves constantly in my head all morning as I got ready.

"_Light is not going to be kept in the dark for much longer. Inspector Ryuga will very soon see to that...You'll see. I'm hoping that you'll see."_

We arrived at the university and made our way into the large auditorium where the ceremony would be held. We found seats in one of the upper sections of the auditorium. Sayu and I peered down below where all of the first year students were seated. As Sayu and I tried to pick out where Light was seated in the sea of students, I reflected on when I had been a new student to To-Oh and had attended my entrance ceremony. I remembered feeling like such a grown-up, like the ceremony commenced my transition from adolescence to adulthood. Little did I know that I still had much growing up to do.

_I wonder if Light is feeling the same way I did. Or maybe he already knows that one simple ceremony does not commence the end of growing up, but is just another beginning of maturing even further._

The ceremony began. The national anthem was played on loud speakers throughout the auditorium before the introductory speeches were held. The dean and other university administrators gave their long, rambling speeches that were intended to inspire and invoke a sense of pride in the new student body. However, the only real effect they had was boring everyone. I, along with the rest of my family, just wanted to hear the freshman speech.

Eventually, one of the university administrators announced that the freshman speech would be given. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aunt Sachiko reach over and squeeze uncle's hand. She was absolutely glowing with motherly pride. Uncle Soichiro also beamed with delight, but his eyes also shined with hesitation almost, as if he was waiting for something else to occur.

I turned back to the stage and smiled as Sayu excitedly exclaimed, "Look! There's Light!"

Light stood up from his seat in the front row of students and proceeded towards the stage. He looked very sharp in his dress clothes and walked with a purposeful, yet casual grace. I beamed as my cousin headed towards the stage. I was so proud of him!

The university administrator cleared his throat and announced, "And freshman representative...Hideki Ryuga."

I almost choked on my saliva as I heard the name blast forth from the loud speakers. Sayu leaned almost completely out of her seat and squealed, "Oh my gosh! Hideki Ryuga?! He got into To-Oh?! No way! Where is he?!"

The rest of the auditorium buzzed with whispers as people wondered the same thing as Sayu. Was it really the pop idol or just some nobody who had the same name? Or...could it possibly be...?

_No. No, it couldn't be. He wouldn't come out in public. He doesn't even step out of the hotel to get his own sweets, so there's no way he would come to a huge ceremony like this. It has to be someone else. _

My heart sank into the very pit of my stomach as I realized with my own two eyes how wrong I was as the addressed student approached the stage.

It was Inspector Ryuga. There was no way it could be anyone else. From the recognizable messy black hair, to the sloppy attire that he always wore, it was definitely the crazy inspector who I had the displeasure of knowing. He slowly trudged his way to the front of the stage, only a couple of footsteps away from Light.

I barely heard any of Light's speech as I sat perplexed in my seat. What was Inspector Ryuga doing there, on that stage, beside Light? Why was he masquerading as a freshman university student? What on earth was his purpose of being there, of coming out into the open?

It was only until Light had finished his portion of the speech and Inspector Ryuga began to speak (in that droning monotone voice of his), that I began to speculate why he was present at the ceremony.

_Is this what uncle had been talking about? Is Inspector Ryuga here in order to tell Light something? In order to finally speak with him face-to-face? _

I flashed uncle an inquiring look. He caught my eye and confirmed my questions by a slight nod and a knowing look. Indeed, this was what uncle had intended, had hoped, for me to witness by coming to the ceremony.

Inspector Ryuga was here to bring Light "out of the dark."

But what the hell did that mean? And what exactly was Inspector Ryuga going to speak with him about? I felt more confused than ever before.

The sound of applause startled me out of my thoughts and I slowly began to clap as Light and Inspector Ryuga descended from the stage back to their seats. The rest of the ceremony was uneventful and, half an hour later, it ended.

We briefly met with Light inside the auditorium before he was to head off to socialize with some of the other students. He greeted us pleasantly and warmly accepted our congratulations, but I could tell that he was distracted with something else. Behind his calm, confident gaze, I could see that he was busy organizing a whole jumble of thoughts and questions. His mind was furiously scrambling with something heavy and substantial.

_Has Inspector Ryuga already spoken to him...?_

However, behind all that distracting, overwhelming supply of thinking that Light was doing within his mind, he also looked genuinely satisfied and content. As if he finally had gained a new piece to a massive puzzle he was putting together. And as we said our goodbyes, he flashed me a quick smile that was wide with confidence and pride. I took his grin as a sign that whatever had been exchanged, or happened, between him and Inspector Ryuga, was beneficial to my cousin.

And, hopefully, would be beneficial for me.

I didn't speak to uncle as soon as Aunt Sachiko and Sayu were dropped off at home. We drove in silence for a few minutes before I asked, "I believe I saw what you wanted me to see, right uncle?"

"Yes, Etsuko."

The silence stretched on for about a minute before I asked, "I...I guess you still can't tell me exactly what went on between Light and Inspector Ryuga?"

Uncle sighed and continued to focus intently on the road. "To tell you the truth, Etsuko, I don't know exactly what happened between Light and Inspector Ryuga. All I know is that he's taken a big move to reach out to Light. I hope to find out more very soon."

It surprised me that not even uncle knew what Inspector Ryuga's plan was with Light. After all, uncle was the chief of the NPA and was Light's father. Was Inspector Ryuga really that secretive and wary of telling anyone his plans?

Before I had the chance to ask, uncle answered the question that I was sure he knew I wanted answering. "All I can tell you is that I'm very hopeful and confident that the exchange, and future exchanges between Light and Inspector Ryuga, will be fruitful." Uncle looked at me and in a reassuring tone concluded, "That things will change for the better. I'm very hopeful for that, Etsuko."

I nodded, satisfied with uncle's response, but still mystified and puzzled.

_What exactly are these positive changes that uncle is hoping for? How much does he actually know and how much is he wondering about? When will I find out, when will I potentially benefit from all of this?_

I hoped and wished the rest of the drive back to the hotel that I would receive my answers very soon.

**...**

I didn't last one day without my curiosity and eagerness getting the better of me.

I spent the whole day wondering if Inspector Ryuga would call for me, telling me that everything was all cleared up: that Light was innocent of any anti-Kira harassment and that I could go home. I paced up and down the length of my room, waiting for news that things had been resolved, that Inspector Ryuga had talked to Light, that I should start packing my bags.

By the early evening I hadn't heard anything and began to doubt that the day would end with happy news. With any news at all, for that matter.

I couldn't think of anything besides the verdict which I was waiting anxiously for. Which explained why I pounced on the door when I heard someone knocking.

"Any news?" I asked the knocker at the door before I could fully see who it was.

My heart sank as Matsuda startled back a bit, clearly taken aback by my sudden appearance. It usually took him a few knocks before I opened the door.

He shyly smiled, still a bit perplexed, and said, "Uh, well the only news I have is more of a question, actually." His smile broadened as he fished a deck of cards out of his suit pocket and held it up for me to see.

Although I was disappointed by the lack of news, I couldn't help but smile by Matsuda's presence. I nodded and welcomed him in. "Sure, Matsuda. Come on in."

Matsuda plunked himself down at the table and instantly began dealing out the cards. He rolled his shoulders back a couple of times, loosening them up. His breathing was slow and relaxed. He was winding down from a long day of work.

If only I could have been so relaxed.

I sat down across from him, tense and internally struggling to keep all of my thoughts and questions at bay. Matsuda could clearly see that I had something on my mind.

"Is everything alright, Etsuko?"

I briefly looked at him and then back at my cards. "Mm-hm. Everything's okay."

Matsuda prodded a bit further, this time not buying into my lies. "A-are you sure?"

I nodded enthusiastically, trying to get my point across. "Yes. Yes, everything is just fine, Matsuda."

Matsuda bit his lower lip, opened his mouth to speak, hesitated, and then said, "Etsuko, are you-"

My patience had been tried all day, had been stretched so thin for over the past few months, that it finally snapped. Unfortunately, it was poor Matsuda who witnessed it.

"Yes, yes, everything's fi – no! No, it's not fine! It's not fine at all!"

I tossed my cards down on the table and gripped the arms of the chair tightly. I stared unwaveringly down at my lap, running hot on the fuel of my frustration.

"Why won't he just resolve it all?! What's keeping him so long? Why does he have to be, be – so stubborn, so crazy!? Why all of this, why?"

I panted and cringed, forcing myself not to cry. I forced myself to not stamp my feet or bang the table. I just continued to sit and clench the chair's arms. I didn't even raise my voice, but just fiercely spat each word, imagining it was aimed towards _him_.

"What does he think this will accomplish? It's all so stupid, so crazy and, and..."

I began to teeter out, to lose steam. My words ended up being incomprehensible stutters as it slowly began to dawn on me that I had just exploded in a quick fit of frustration. Right in front of someone else.

I quickly looked up at Matsuda and then directly right back down again. His perplexed face at my sudden combustion of complaints and rants had left him speechless. He must have been completely shocked by my sudden outburst, since he had never seen such an outspoken side of me. Hell, my own family had never seen me in such a state. I could only imagine what he must of thought of me, what he was thinking of me at that moment.

I hurriedly started gathering up my tossed aside cards in a pile. In a panic, I started babbling forth apologies like I never had in my entire life, all the while avoiding Matsuda's shocked face.

"I-I'm so, so sorry, Matsuda! I don't know what came over me. I was just so, so...oh, it doesn't matter! I'm just so sorry that you had to witness that. That you had to endure my utter rudeness!"

"Etsuko, it's-"

I didn't let Matsuda finish; I felt like I had to continue to apologize in order to function. "It was VERY rude of me and disrespectful of your presence and invitation and, and-"

"Etsuko, stop."

Matsuda's words were gentle and kind, but they carried a firm, solid weight to them that was comforting instead of oppressive. His demand was more of a soothing reassurance that I could stop speaking and just relax. His words brought me down and I felt like I could suddenly breathe again.

That feeling quickly disappeared as Matsuda brought his hand over my trembling one that was still trying to scoop up the discarded playing cards. My breath hitched in my throat and I felt my face grow embarrassingly hot. The sudden silence seemed almost deafening after my sudden outburst. I waited with bated breath for Matsuda to say something, because I was absolutely rendered speechless, my voice having fled far away after my tirade. I also had the sneaking suspicion that the presence of Matsuda's hand over my own had something to do with my useless tongue.

"It's okay. You don't have to explain. I...I understand." Matsuda's steady voice trembled a bit as he became a bit flustered as he continued on. "We-well, I mean, I don't really understand, but...you just don't have to apologize. At all."

There was the feeling of hesitation hanging in the air between us as Matsuda twitched and fidgeted a bit in his chair. Then the feeling was gone as he gently squeezed my hand before somewhat abruptly letting it go. His hand disappeared, but my hand lingered on the table, suddenly feeling cold after being held by his.

I still couldn't bear to look him in the eye, as I still felt embarrassed and disappointed with myself. Matsuda's reassurances weren't wasted, as I did feel a bit better, but the feeling of upset over what I had done wasn't that easily persuaded to pack up shop and leave my scrambled brain behind. My insecurities delved down very deep.

Matsuda, sensing that it probably wasn't the most opportune time for a lighthearted game of cards, gathered up the deck and politely said, "Maybe we can play cards another time?"

_He still wants to play cards with me even after my embarrassing, childish display? Is he really that forgiving?_

I finally looked up at Matsuda and saw that his actions and words had nothing to do with forgiveness. Because to Matsuda, there was nothing to forgive. He looked at me with worry and almost a bashful uncertainty. As if he wanted to do or say something...?

_Does he want to take my hand again? Wait, why am I –_

"Thank you, Matsuda. For your, um, tolerance and patience. I didn't mean to explode and now I'm...well, I'm not doing a very good job of thanking you now, am I? Sorry, Matsuda, I'm-"

Matsuda chuckled softly and interrupted me. "Etsuko, you're doing it again. There's nothing to apologize for."

I froze, mouth slightly open and then I began to chuckle softly with him as well. I put my hand to my head and shook it slightly. I felt like such a mess. But...that was okay...I guess.

_Do as Matsuda does and just laugh it off. It's no big deal._

I gave in to my laughter a bit more, until I felt like I was forcing it and then it ceased. I continued to sit in silence before Matsuda. We sat in silence for several seconds, not really knowing what to say to each other. Or really needing to say something. It had been an unexpected encounter for both of us and the quiet was somewhat soothing after our weird, little exchange.

Finally, Matsuda stood up and we departed at the door. Before he left, he turned to me and said, "You know, maybe your uncle has some more answers. And even if he can't tell you much, I'm sure he'll do a better job than me with listening and helping you out."

I felt a sudden urge to say something and, strangely enough, I didn't try to stop myself from just speaking. It felt strange, but somewhat liberating at the same time. So much was the desire for me to say it.

"Matsuda, you don't give yourself enough credit. You help me out more than you think."

I'm sure Matsuda's face felt hot at that moment, since it turned a deep, scarlet red. It seemed to me that he was dealing with some of _his_ internal insecurities as he fidgeted on the spot and sputtered out, "R-really, Etsuko?"

_He's so cute when he's all bashful and flushed and –_

"Yes, really, Matsuda." I beamed, suddenly feeling a bit lightheaded and giddy. All of this speaking freely without hesitation was getting the better of me.

Matsuda was positively beaming and awkwardly said goodnight before stumbling down the hallway. I closed my bedroom door and just stared at the door, not really knowing what to do or think at that moment. I had experienced a whirlwind of emotions in less than fifteen minutes: disappointment, frustration, rage, embarrassment, happiness, fascination.

_Are you sure you don't mean _infatuation_?_

I needed a good night's sleep in order to clear my head and emotions. Who knew that such a brief encounter would have such an effect on me? I chalked it up to my continuous pacing all day and that it had left me lightheaded. It seemed like a pretty farfetched explanation to me, but I fell asleep too quickly in order to dwell on a more realistic explanation for my feelings of...whatever I was feeling.

**...**

I took Matsuda's advice and met with uncle the next day. He promised me that he would give me a few minutes before he had to get back to work. It wasn't much time, but I hoped that I would be able to get something out of him, even if it was a little bit of information to tide my curiosity over for a day.

I met with him in one of the rooms in the suite. He was there before me, sitting down on one of the plush couches in the room. He rested the side of his head in the palm of his hand, his elbow perched on the arm of the couch. His eyes were closed and his breathing was low and heavy. He looked absolutely exhausted, more so than usual.

He startled when he heard me approach him and instantly stood up, not wanting me to see him leaning tiredly against the couch. He straightened his rumpled shirt and fixed his glasses, which had been sitting crookedly on the bridge of his nose. I wondered if he had been actually dozing a bit before I had walked in.

"Etsuko, sit down please." He sounded a bit out of breath. It worried me.

"Uncle? Are you alright? We could, um, meet some other time if right now doesn't work for-"

"No, no. Please, just sit." Uncle waved his hand, dismissing that anything was wrong. We sat down and uncle leaned heavily back into the couch. I sat forward on the opposite couch, not being able to relax; the tension that I felt physically and mentally was heavy.

"Well, I know we don't have a lot of time to talk so – basically I was just wondering if you would be able to tell me anything. Any news about the interactions between Light and Inspector Ryuga. I mean, I'm assuming that they've met and..." I paused and tried to sum up what I really wanted to know, what I thought I would actually get answers to. The only sound in the room was uncle's heavy breathing as I thought.

I scraped down all of my questions and worries down to the barest of desires that I had.

"I just...I just want to know if, based off of their interactions, I'll be able to go home soon."

Uncle sighed, but it wasn't the type of sigh I had grown accustomed to hearing from him. It wasn't long and low, but was more of a quick pant that lasted for only a second. As I waited for his answer, I realized that it wasn't a sigh at all, but that he was trying to breathe. Was...was struggling to breathe?

"Uncle, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine, Etsuko." Uncle Soichiro leaned forward and folded his hands together, his face set in a thoughtful frown. As he leaned forward slightly more, I could see that there were beads of sweat dotting his forehead. One shiny drop of perspiration slid slowly down his cheek. My stomach clenched with increased worry.

"Etsuko, I wish I could tell you. But at this point in time, I still don't have an answer and..."

Uncle took a breath and wiped his forehead. When his hand came away slick with sweat, his eyes hardened with confusion and then widened with worry.

"Etsuko, I-"

"Uncle, let me get you something to drink. You don't look well." I was up before I finished speaking, heading towards the door to fetch him a glass of water or something.

"No, no it's alright." Uncle stood up and took a few steps towards me. "I just need to catch my breath a-and...and then I'll be...I'll be..."

Uncle Soichiro swayed back and forth, finding it hard to keep balance while standing still. I was rooted to the spot, not knowing if I should leave him alone to go get help or stay with him in case he passed out or something.

I didn't have to wait long to make a decision.

Uncle Soichiro took two more steps towards me before his legs gave out and he crashed to the floor! I squeaked out a shaky cry as I rushed towards him and knelt down at his side.

"Uncle! Uncle Soichiro!"

I struggled to roll him over onto his back, my hands shaking and my heart pounding. Uncle opened his eyes a little, but they only remained open for a few seconds before they closed again.

"No, uncle! Stay awake! Stay with me!"

But as hard as I shook him, he wouldn't regain consciousness. My trembling breaths soon transformed into watery cries and then morphed into full out shouts of alarm and panic.

"Help! Someone help me! Please, help!"

It didn't take long before I heard pounding footsteps running towards us. The door flew open and the task force rushed into the room. All four of them froze when they saw uncle, but it only lasted a second before they jumped into action.

"Chief!" I heard Matsuda yell, his voice right in my ear. I looked over and he was right by my side, frantically trying to figure out what to do. One of the officers quickly got down on his knees and pressed his ear to uncle's chest, while the largest one of the officers checked for uncle's pulse. The last officer, the one named Aizawa as far as I could remember, instantly had his phone out and dialed 911.

"Yes, we need an ambulance right away! And when I say right away, I mean there better be paramedics here in the next couple of minutes, understand?"

"Aizawa, I'm finding it hard to get a heart beat! And Mogi can hardly feel his pulse!" The officer who had had his ear pressed to uncle's chest looked up nervously, his eyes wide with panic.

The officer named Mogi turned to the other officer. "Start CPR, Ukita. I'm going to try to find-"

"Mrs. Yagami? I-I have to tell you...your husband appears to have suffered a heart attack-"

I had remained relatively quiet as the task force had gone about trying to help my uncle, whimpering here and there while trying to still my trembling hands. But as Aizawa supplied the diagnosis of what was happening to uncle, my panic skyrocketed and I began to cry loudly.

"Oh my gosh! He's having a heart attack! What if – what if it's Kira?! What if it's Kira, Matsuda?!"

Matsuda looked to be in no state of mind to provide comfort or reassurance, his own hands shaking terribly and his face drained of any colour. It appeared as if he hadn't heard me, his eyes fixed on uncle's still, pale face.

"No, not uncle! Kira can't – he just can't-"

"What's going on here?"

Watari had suddenly entered the room, dressed in a heavy trench coat and bags of numerous sweets in his arms. He had been out and now he had come back to the drama that was unfolding.

"The chief has had a heart attack and-"

"I will inform him right away-"

"He's not waking up! He's not waking up, Matsuda!"

"We'll see you at the hospital, Mrs. Yagami." Aizawa ended his call with my aunt and glowered down at Matsuda. "Matsuda, will you please wake up!"

Matsuda broke out of his frozen state of fear and looked over at me, wide eyed and scared. It only took a few seconds for him to see what an utter mess I was in, face wet with tears and hands gripping fiercely at uncle's pant leg, before he took action.

He grabbed a hold of my shoulders and squeezed them hard. "No, it's going to be alright, Etsuko! He's going to be alright! R-right, Ukita?"

The officer named Ukita didn't answer Matsuda as he continued to perform CPR on uncle. Matsuda looked wildly around the room at the other officers, desperately trying to get reassurance that uncle was going to be okay. I continued to cry and wail, my whole body trembling.

Matsuda looked up at Aizawa and begged him, both with his words and eyes. "Aizawa, what do we do? What are we going to do if...if..."

Aizawa had no patience for Matsuda's increasing panic and snapped at him, "Matsuda, go down to the lobby and wait for the paramedics! They should be here very soon!" It was clear he wanted Matsuda out of the way, and as he looked down at me, a sobbing, wailing mess, he supposedly wanted me out of the way as well.

"Take the chief's niece as well!"

Matsuda nodded frantically and guided me up into a standing position. He gripped me firmly by the shoulders as he led me towards the door. I didn't go with him easily.

I stopped suddenly and struggled against Matsuda's grip. "Please, let me stay with him! I don't want to leave! What if...what if..."

Matsuda fumbled out a few incomprehensible words before being interrupted by Aizawa. His voice was sharp with command and firmness. "Miss Yagami, it's best if you leave for now." He paused and took in my distraught face. His voice softened a tad. "Please, Miss Yagami."

I didn't have time to answer before Matsuda guided me outside of the room and hurriedly steered me down to the lobby of the hotel. I stumbled along beside him, his hands never leaving my shaking shoulders. In very different circumstances, I would have been extremely bothered by the inquisitive stares and judging looks that many of the hotel guests and employees were shooting my way, but at that moment I couldn't care less. I stood sobbing quietly beside Matsuda near the hotel doors, not being able to stop. My hands continued to shake. My mind reeled out of control with possibilities.

_What if it is Kira? What if the paramedics don't get here in time? What if...what if uncle...?_

My vision blurred in and out of focus and I swayed back and forth on the spot. I gripped the fabric of my shirt over my chest, my heart pounding so fiercely that it actually hurt.

_Please don't let it happen. Not now! They don't need another person to deal with! Just go away, just go away!_

I focused on Matsuda's continuous string of words that he was whispering to try to comfort both him and me. "It's okay, it'll be okay. It'll all be okay. It's okay..." I tried to concentrate on only his words, desperately trying to receive the comfort that he was trying to provide.

The paramedics arrived very soon and, with Matsuda's frantic directions, they raced up to the suite. It seemed to take them an excruciating long time to finally bring uncle down on a stretcher, the rest of the task force trailing behind, but I'm sure it only took a few minutes for them to come back down and load uncle in the ambulance.

Aizawa began giving directions as soon as the paramedics had loaded uncle into the ambulance.

"Ukita, you ride in the ambulance with the Chief. Mogi and I will follow behind in my car and Matsuda will..."

With Aizawa's spoken directions, the time of uncontrollable crying and blind panic swiftly ceased. I stepped forward, determined to be heard.

"I'm going with my uncle."

Aizawa glanced at me over his shoulder, his eyes stern with annoyance. "Listen, Miss Yagami. It would probably be best if there weren't a lot of people travelling in the ambulance. You can come with me and we'll get there very-"

I swallowed and looked into Aizawa's dark eyes, determined to not be thrown into submission by his commandeering tone of voice and resolute gaze. "No. I'm going with my uncle."

Aizawa sighed and opened his mouth to argue, when Matsuda stepped in and offered aid.

"Aizawa, is it really going to do much damage if Etsuko rides in the ambulan-"

"Fine, fine. Just get in and don't keep them waiting!" Aizawa grumbled, but his eyes weren't angry or annoyed; they appeared to be hard with worry rather than irritation. Matsuda left me with Ukita (with a somewhat regrettable expression on his face) and ran off to the hotel parkade to get his car.

The shrill siren screeched the whole way to the hospital. I averted my eyes from uncle's still form as the paramedics worked on him. Ukita remained silent along with me, both of us numb with the shock and uncertainty of the situation.

Uncle Soichiro was wheeled away into the emergency room as soon as we arrived. Aunt Sachiko and Sayu arrived soon after. Sayu and I sat on either ends of my aunt and each held one of her hands. I admired my aunt's strength as she silently waited for news, her head lifted high and her eyes shining with desperate optimism, any signs of shed tears long gone as soon as she had entered the hospital to face the task force and me. Sayu stared at the floor the whole time; besides sniffling here and there, she was morosely quiet. The task force stood around the waiting area, their demeanour stoic and firm, but their eyes flashed with impatience to hear news about their leader.

Light had not shown up yet. He had been hanging out with a new friend at school, according to Aunt Sachiko. It would take awhile in the rush hour traffic to get from To-Oh to the hospital, which was at the other end of downtown.

The doctor finally emerged to give us the good news that uncle would be okay. He had indeed suffered a heart attack, but it hadn't been Kira. Excessive amounts of stress had been the culprit. He would be alright, but would be in the hospital for a few weeks to be monitored and to recover. Sighs of relief were exhaled by everyone and uncle was even feeling well enough to receive visitors for a short amount of time. Aunt Sachiko, Sayu, and I saw him first.

Uncle still looked pale and tired, but he was awake and slightly smiling when we entered his hospital room. Aunt Sachiko couldn't keep her emotions in check any longer and she wept into her husband's shoulder as she bent over his bed to embrace him. Uncle softly shushed auntie, his hand gently resting on her back. Sayu stood tense and rigid a little ways off from her dad and mom, her facial expression a mixture of hesitation and fear. As soon as auntie lifted her tear streaked face from uncle's shoulder, he beckoned Sayu over. She hesitantly approached his bed, her eyes worryingly staring at the IV connected to her dad's arm.

"Sayu, it's okay. I'm alright now," uncle hoarsely whispered, his arms stiffly stretched out.

Sayu tentatively hugged her dad, afraid that she would injure him by hugging too hard. Uncle's other shoulder was soaked with Sayu's tears as she sobbed and clutched tightly onto uncle's hospital gown.

It appeared words did not need to be expressed to show how much we had been worried and afraid. And of how much we cared about uncle.

I simply clenched Uncle Soichiro's hand tightly when it came time for me to approach him. He weakly squeezed my hand back and whispered, "Thank you for getting help, Etsuko. I'm sorry I scared you by collapsing like that."

"No, no, uncle. Don't apologize. I'm just happy you're alright." I gave him a sideways hug and wiped a few tears from my eyes before they had a chance to fall.

Auntie and uncle exchanged a few words before Aunt Sachiko mentioned that the task force was here and wanted to see him. Uncle nodded and Aunt Sachiko said she would be back and would wait with him until Light showed up. We exited the room and let the task force have their turn to visit with uncle. Aunt Sachiko was content with waiting outside uncle's room until the task force was done, but Sayu was anxious to walk around. I offered to go with her to the hospital cafeteria to get a drink. We headed off to find the cafeteria, my hand gently resting on my younger cousin's elbow as she slowly trudged down the hallway. She looked a tad pale and complained of feeling queasy.

"I hate hospitals," Sayu bitterly muttered as she rubbed her hand over her stomach.

I nodded and murmured back, "I know. Me, too."

_Bad memories with hospitals. _

We eventually found the cafeteria and silently sat at one of the tables, sipping a shared can of soda. We promptly left after finishing our drink and found our way back to the hallway where uncle's room was located. We got back precisely at the time when Light arrived.

And it wasn't just Light who had arrived. I felt a wave of nausea wash over me as I saw that Inspector Ryuga was with him.

As Sayu and I approached them, I was overwhelmed by the looks that both Light and Inspector Ryuga were shooting my way. Light was smiling broadly and confidently at me, any shock or concern for his father momentarily gone as he watched me approach him. His eyes shone with something akin to triumph. It was a weird sort of way of looking after hearing the news that your father had had a heart attack only a couple of hours ago.

Inspector Ryuga, on the other hand, looked anything but triumphant. He stared pointedly at me, his dark eyes piercing me with a look of unwavering disapproval. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to discern the dissatisfaction behind his eyes if it wasn't for me seeing that emotion so often directed towards me from him on various occasions.

I was nervous on how I should behave and what to say. How much had Inspector Ryuga told Light? Had he told Light that I in fact knew who he was and had known for quite some time now? I doubted that he would have told my cousin about all of the restrictions placed upon me and the way he had used me as a pawn to get information from (and about) Light. I was still trying to figure out how I should approach our greeting when we came face to face.

Sayu was the first to lend her voice. "Hey, Light. You just got here?"

Light finally looked towards his sister and answered softly, "Yes, just arrived. Mom's having a few words with dad before we go in. You've already seen him, I presume."

Sayu nodded and looked down at the floor, trying to hide her tear-filled eyes. "Mh-hmm." It was evident that she was finding it hard to talk about her dad.

I expected Light to say something comforting to his sister, but he readily went on to introduce us to Inspector Ryuga. I tried to ignore the niggling feeling of worry that I felt towards his actions.

"Where are my manners? This here is Ryuga Hideki. A friend I made at To-Oh. Ryuga, this is my sister, Yagami Sayu, and my cousin, Yagami Etsuko."

Sayu and I bowed. Inspector Ryuga tilted his head slightly, all the while his eyes never leaving mine. I purposely ignored his stare.

"Pleased to meet you both," Inspector Ryuga apathetically murmured.

"Oh! You were that other freshman student at the entrance ceremony, right? I had thought that it was going to be Hideki Ryuga the pop idol! Who would have thought that you could share his name, an ordinary student like you?"

Sayu smiled, but her grin faltered when she looked over Inspector Ryuga a little more closely and, undoubtedly, realized that he was anything but ordinary.

Inspector Ryuga made no move to respond to Sayu. I took the momentary silence as my opportunity.

"That was very nice of you to escort my cousin to the hospital. I...I'm happy that he didn't have to make his way here alone after hearing of his father's heart attack."

I really didn't know what I was trying to accomplish with what I had just said. A part of me was perhaps trying to suck up to Inspector Ryuga in order to quell the disapproval and annoyance he was surely feeling towards me. If I acted polite and unassuming, maybe he wouldn't completely tow my ass with restrictions and punishments when I returned to the hotel.

However, I also wondered if I was trying to gage what exactly his reason was for escorting Light to the hospital. By visiting Uncle Soichiro with Light, was he going to address some issue or deliver some type of verdict? I felt like I knew enough about Inspector Ryuga to know that he wasn't the type to accompany someone somewhere if it didn't benefit him. Frankly, Inspector Ryuga didn't do anything if it didn't benefit him. What exactly was he up to?

And then there was the part of me that was, well, actually grateful that he had accompanied Light to the hospital. Heaven knows that he wouldn't have provided any semblance of reassurance or support during their trip to the hospital, but I was thankful that Light hadn't been alone after finding out the news about his dad. Even an emotionless oddball like Inspector Ryuga was better than nothing. Still, I tried to ignore my thankfulness that I felt towards him. I mean, I was supposed to hate him and all.

Inspector Ryuga replied emotionlessly, "It was my pleasure, Miss Yagami."

_Pfttt...yeah, right._

Matsuda suddenly strolled up to us, a styrofoam cup of coffee clenched in one hand. Light and Inspector Ryuga didn't pay him much attention.

"Etsuko, the rest of the task force just left, but I thought I would hang around to give you a lift home if you'd like. Save your aunt from making the extra trip. I'm ready whenever you are."

Both Light and Inspector Ryuga shifted their gaze from me to Matsuda and then swiftly back at me, as if they weighing their odds before making a play.

"Oh, thanks, Matsuda. Sounds like a good plan to me."

Light was the first one to make his play. He instantly spoke as soon as I had taken Matsuda up on his offer. "Would it be alright, Matsuda, if I had a few words with my cousin after I speak with my father? I won't be long. My father needs his rest and visiting hours are probably almost over. As soon as I see Ryuga off." Light changed his tone from being politely direct to a somewhat cheesy humbleness. "It's just, we haven't been able to spend time together for quite a long time now, and I would really appreciate it if I could catch up with my cousin a bit."

Matsuda looked a little unsure, probably because Inspector Ryuga was discreetly staring at him with something akin to intimidation. He gazed gently back at me, his eyes trying to read what my decision was going to be.

Light noticed Matsuda's concern towards me and used it to his advantage. His eyes flashed quickly from me to Matsuda as he added, "Etsuko would really appreciate it, too."

Matsuda seemed convinced and nodded. "Well, I'm okay with sticking around a bit longer."

Light prevented his smile from broadening too much, and turned to me. He asked his next question somewhat lazily, confident that he already knew my answer. "Sound good, Etsuko?"

"Y-Yes. That sounds good."

I had the urge to see Inspector Ryuga's expression, but resisted since it could give away my connection with him. Wait...why would that be a bad thing?

_How stupid of me! I've been waiting for this opportunity for months now and I almost overlooked it. This is...this is perfect!_

Inspector Ryuga's moody silence was all the confirmation I needed to establish that he didn't want Light to know of his connection with me. For whatever reason, Inspector Ryuga did not want my cousin to know this bit of information. I wondered if he was waiting for a more opportune moment, away from a public place and certain individuals, like Sayu. Or it could be that it boiled down to Inspector Ryuga wanting to hog me all to his greedy, scheming self; he hated to share and he especially hated sharing any pawns of his. Even a discarded pawn like me.

Of course, he still tried to sabotage Light's plan. It was his turn to make a play.

"I would be happy to give you and your cousin a ride home, Light. There would be plenty of time to catch up during the drive and we have an early day of school tomorrow. Best to turn in early," Inspector Ryuga languidly addressed Light, his effort at sounding supportive a complete failure. He turned his full attention on me, his wide eyes unblinking and unsettling. "I'm sure your cousin has a busy day of school tomorrow as well."

_In other words, do as I say and decline Light's offer. _

But I had missed this opportunity too many times, had waited in aguish for too long. There was no way in hell I was going to decline Light's offer to talk.

Oh, how we would talk.

I smiled kindly at Inspector Ryuga and, in an overly polite voice, replied, "I actually have had a lot of time to do school work, Ryuga. I have quite the relaxing day tomorrow. I would be perfectly happy to stay for a bit, if Light thinks he can manage staying out a bit late."

Inspector Ryuga narrowed his eyes and glared at me under his unruly fringe of black hair. He was thoroughly not amused. I couldn't help but flash him another smile, this one more condescending than friendly, as Light thanked Inspector Ryuga for his offer, but that he would remain at the hospital to catch up with me.

Aunt Sachiko peeked her head out of uncle's room. "Light, you coming?"

"Yes, mom." Light turned to me and said, "I'll meet you at the cafeteria, alright? I shouldn't be long."

"Sure."

Light said goodbye to his sister and opened the door to uncle's room. Inspector Ryuga trailed behind him, his eyes briefly glancing at me once more before he entered the room. His eyes were hard and unforgiving. They promised consequences. Even though I felt I had won a victory over him, I shrunk back from his disturbing stare and looked away.

Aunt Sachiko exited uncle's room shortly afterwards and her and Sayu promptly left the hospital, both of them physically and emotionally drained. They had no sooner disappeared from sight around the hallway corner, when Matsuda approached me, a sympathetic look on his face.

_Oh, no. What now? I'm just on my way to the cafeteria._

"Etsuko, I wanted to wait until your aunt and cousin left. Um, Inspector Ryuga texted me right after he entered your uncle's room and, uh. He said that he wants me to take you straight back to the hotel and that, once we get to the car, you should text Light saying that you had to leave with me right away because I couldn't stick around any longer. Uh, yeah. I guess...I guess he's all cautious about supervision and all."

_No. No, no. No, no, no, no. _

I tried to contain my anger by digging my nails into my palms. I gritted my teeth together, trying to restrain myself from screaming and making a scene.

"Y-you're sure?" I stuttered out, my voice quivering with emotion.

"Uh, yeah. He practically ordered it. Sorry," Matsuda softly responded.

I flashed a look of utter contempt towards the door to uncle's room, wishing my stare could seize Inspector Ryuga's neck and, and –

_How dare he! How dare he ruin this for me! How dare he win again and again and again!_

I closed my eyes tightly shut, trying to get the burning sensation of tears to disappear. I felt like I could shake with disappointment.

"Uh, Etsuko? I-I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted to see Light, but. Inspector Ryuga sounded quite adamant and-"

"I understand," I curtly interrupted Matsuda, my tersely clipped answer conveying anything but understanding. At the moment though, I couldn't utter anything else and stiffly walked behind Matsuda down the hall. I felt numb with defeat.

_That stupid, stupid – ugh! I hate, I hate him! I hate how he always wins and how he has that stupid empty stare of his and —_

I stopped abruptly mid-step and slowly released the tension from my shoulders. I unclenched my hands and let out a slow, shuddering breath.

_No. I'm not going down this easy. Not this time. I won't let him stop me yet again. Etsuko Yagami isn't going down that easy, Inspector Ryuga. Not this time. No._

I unfroze and trailed behind Matsuda. I chewed on my bottom lip, plotting and planning and thinking.

_How...how am I going to speak to Light? It's not going to take long before we reach the main doors to the hospital and then the car. If I reach the car – no, if I reach the doors, the opportunity will be lost. I need to think fast! How will I reach him when I have no cell phone and -_

My eyes darted towards Matsuda. Well, more precisely Matsuda's jacket pocket. Sitting snugly in his left hand pocket was his cell phone. Matsuda's hands weren't even in his pockets, leaving his phone wide open for the taking. All I had to do was –

_Wait. What do I need to do? How exactly am I going to get his phone without him noticing? _

It didn't take long before a nasty, little voice in my head whispered the answer in my ear.

_The same way you've gotten things in the past. The same way you've defended and protected yourself before. The same way you've gone about things for so long. It's easy: You suck up._

Instantly, another voice that I harboured in my soul fiercely whispered back. It was timid, yet persistent.

_No, not to Matsuda. Maybe with other people it's fine, but I don't want to deceive Matsuda. He's been such a good friend and (he's a friend?) and I just couldn't do that to him._

But the animalistic drive within me to seize the opportunity, to finally speak with Light, was so great and rabid with desire, that I drowned out both voices and pounced into action. I ran up to Matsuda and stood in front of him, abruptly stopping his step.

"Matsuda!"

Matsuda jolted to a halt and curiously looked at me. "Yes, Etsuko?"

"Matsuda, I...um, I just wanted to, um, wanted to...th-thank you."

"Thank me? F-for what?" Matsuda looked even more confused, but a tiny hint of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

"For, well, um, for doing so much for me these past few months. You know, like, poking your head in my room occasionally, and, and, visiting with me. I, well, I really like playing cards with you and just, just...just doing nothing really! But that's okay, because, well, I just like...like..."

As I continued to fumble on my words, I noticed that they were coming to me easier than I initially thought they would. As I looked into Matsuda's wide, hopeful eyes, I realized that that was because what I was saying was no deception, but was, in fact, the truth.

"...I like spending time with you."

Matsuda closed his slightly gapping mouth and swallowed with difficulty. His eyes were glued to mine. They were brimming with emotions that I couldn't completely figure out. I wanted to stand there in the middle of the hospital hallway and try to decipher what he was feeling at that moment, but I knew that I had a mission to fulfill.

"Just, just thank you, Matsuda," I sputtered out and abruptly threw my arms around Matsuda, drawing him into an unexpected hug. His breath came out as a startled whoosh and he carefully wrapped his arms around me to return the hug. I tried not to be distracted by the faint, but pleasant smell of his aftershave or the enjoyable feeling it was to have his arms wrapped around me. I wanted to close my eyes and just enjoy the moment, but my stubborn determination wouldn't allow me to as my hand slowly crept into Matsuda's jacket pocket and stealthily retrieved his cell phone. I curled my hand around it and broke the hug, fearing that if I remained in Matsuda's embrace for much longer, I would lose all resolve to go through with my plan.

I quickly hid my hands behind my back as I broke our hug. Matsuda looked back at me with a little bit of disappointment clouding his brow, but his eyes were satisfied and content. I broke the silence that hung around us. It was a silence that was strangely relaxed and pleasant, but it frightened me nonetheless.

"So, yes, thank you, Matsuda."

I made to continue to walk on, but Matsuda stopped me with his earnest voice.

"Etsuko, I...I just wanted to thank you as well."

I paused, confused. "Thank me?"

Matsuda continued confidently on. "Yes. For being okay with, well, with my dumb jokes and stupid stories. For laughing along with me. And, and wanting to hang out with me and...well, and with seeing past all my stupid mistakes and clumsiness-"

"Matsuda, it's alright."

"And just being kind and, and-"

"Matsuda, we...we really should get going. You know, Inspector Ryuga wants us to be gone and all," I interrupted, all flustered and uncomfortable.

Matsuda laughed quietly and nodded. "You're right, Etsuko. You're the sensible one here. We should get going."

As we began to proceed down the hallway once more, I was consumed with the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tightening sensation in my chest and throat. Needless to say, I felt sick.

_Oh, Matsuda. If you only knew how I've betrayed your trust, how I'm still betraying you as we walk down this hallway. You wouldn't think me a kind person then. Because I'm not kind. I don't think about other people's feelings. I just think about my own. I'm selfish, Matsuda, and, and I don't deserve any of your kindnesses or, or..._

My brain suddenly snapped into gear, drowning out my heart's inner voice. I suddenly remembered the cell phone clenched in my hand and approached Matsuda.

_Matsuda, I'm lying to you. I'm deceiving you and lying to –_

"Matsuda, would it be alright if I quickly d-dashed to...to the washroom before we leave?" I tried to sound polite and normal, but my voice hitched in my throat causing me to flub my words. I couldn't look at Matsuda, my shame weighing heavy on me.

_And yet still I'm deceiving and lying and –_

"Sure, Etsuko."

Matsuda's words were barely out of his mouth before I dashed into the women's washroom, flung open a stall door, and locked it behind me. I flipped open the phone and frantically began to compose my message to Light:

**Light, this is Etsuko. Change of plans. Ryuga is on to us. When you're done visiting, mention to him how I had to leave and you aren't meeting with me anymore. Then see him off and meet me a few hallways down from your dad's room. There's a hallway under construction and no one will be there. We can talk in private. Text me when you've seen Ryuga off. I'll explain everything. **

I pushed the SEND button and the message disappeared from my screen. I shakily breathed out and placed the phone in my jeans pocket. The adrenaline surrounding the situation finally kicked in and I quickly dabbed a bit of cold water on the back of my neck to settle me down a bit. I quickly joined Matsuda and we continued on down the hallway.

_Hurry and text me, Light. There's not much time left. _

Indeed, I could see the front doors to the hospital quickly approaching as we walked towards them. I tried to slow my footsteps, but Matsuda strode with a purposeful step with no distractions from his goal of pleasing Inspector Ryuga. I willed the cell phone to vibrate with Light's incoming message.

I thought my chance was ruined until I caught the sight of the hospital gift store near the front doors. It was my last remaining chance to stall.

"Matsuda, would it be alright if I quickly pop in to the gift store? You see, um..."

_Think of something quick, idiot!_

"...my father has been ill lately and I thought I could send him a 'get well' card."

_Great. Now you're lying about dad. You're on a roll tonight._

Matsuda suddenly looked quite concerned and worried. "Oh. I didn't know, Etsuko. Uh, sure. It shouldn't take too long and I don't want to deny you the chance to get your father a card." Matsuda smiled encouragingly and entered the small gift shop with me. I miserably headed to the rack of cards with him.

_No, Matsuda. You aren't denying me of anything. _I'm_ denying you the truth. _

I quickly shook myself out of my guilt trip; it wasn't the time or the place. I had to remain level headed and resolute in my plan. It couldn't be ruined, not when I had gotten so far already.

We had only been looking at cards for about a minute when the cell phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart beat picked up as I slightly turned away from Matsuda to read the text message. It was plain and simple, but it caused another surge of adrenaline to flood my body.

**Just saw him off. I'll be waiting. **

It was time. I sneaked a glance over my shoulder at Matsuda, who was absently looking at some cards. I slowly moved away from the rack of cards and headed to the entrance of the gift shop. I had barely crossed the threshold of the shop before I heard Matsuda call my name, confusion evident in his tone.

"Etsuko! Wh-where are you going?"

But I didn't respond. His voice was like the crack of a gun at a start of a race and I sprinted away down the hallway. I heard him call out my name again and heard his hurried footsteps follow after me. I didn't look behind me, but I knew he was running after me.

_Matsuda, please! Don't follow me! I'll explain everything later (will I really?) when this is all over! Just please don't follow me!_

But Matsuda was persistent. I could hear him huffing and panting along with me as he chased after me, occasionally calling out my name. I passed by uncle's room and zigzagged around nurses and doctors as I tried to lose Matsuda. I turned down numerous hallways hoping that he wouldn't be able to catch up. Eventually I just darted into a women's washroom and hid behind the door. I listened at the door, trying to figure out if I had given him the slip. I heard Matsuda pass by the washroom; he was panting heavily and was muttering something under his breath which I couldn't make out. I waited anxiously for him to leave. He stood around for a bit, obviously trying to figure out where I disappeared to, before I heard him leave, his footsteps slow and laboured. His breaths heavy and defeated.

I waited a couple of minutes before exiting the washroom. Matsuda was nowhere in sight. Suddenly the cell phone buzzed with an incoming message. Thinking it could be Light, I flipped open the phone and saw that it was from...

_Ryuzaki? Who's that? Is it some friend of Matsuda's?_

But as I read the message, I realized that it could only be one person.

**Matsuda, have you delivered Yagami to the hotel?**

Inspector Ryuga. But, but why was he listed as Ryuzaki in Matsuda's phone?

_What...I don't understand..._

I quickly dismissed my confusion, realizing that Inspector Ryuga would be waiting for Matsuda's response. I quickly texted: **Yes. We're almost at the hotel now. **I snapped the phone close and stuffed it into my pocket. I broke out into a slow jog back down the hallway I had come and made my way to the hallway under construction. I was worried that Matsuda would somehow get a hold of Inspector Ryuga, say by payphone, and Inspector Ryuga would turn around to come and deliver me back to the hotel himself.

_Deliver me. Hmph, as if I'm a package or something._

I eventually made it to the hallway that was under construction. Caution tape was taped across the hallway, blocking anyone from entering. I ducked underneath the tape and walked slowly down the hallway. The lights were dimly lit for the first half of the hallway, construction supplies and tools laying about the hall. My soft pants echoing off the walls were the only sound as I approached the further half of the hall. There were no lights on. It was almost pitch black, except for the distant glow of the dim lights behind me that bounced off the walls.

I softly called out, "Light. Light, are you here?"

I tripped over a cord or something and almost fell. I flipped open Matsuda's cell phone and used the bluish glow of the screen to watch my step on the hazardous floor.

"Light? Light, if you're here, where are you?"

"I'm right here, Etsuko."

I gasped and jumped a bit as the glow of the phone's screen passed over Light's face, which was a few steps ahead of me. The eerie glow accentuated the lines in his face and cast creepy shadows over half of his features. His dark, piercing eyes shone brightly with anticipation. They almost seemed to glow in the darkness, smoldering with deep expectations.

I thought I would be relieved and overjoyed to meet with Light. It could have been the deafening silence or the darkness or the way Light's unsettling eyes stared at me. Either way, I felt...frightened.

It only lasted a second though. As Light stepped towards me and faintly smiled as he stood before me, my fear disappeared and I was overcome with uncontrollable energy and excitement.

It was time, finally.

Light simply whispered, "What did you want to explain to me, Etsuko?"

The words flooded out of my mouth, furious and unrelenting.

"Light, Ryuga Hideki isn't a freshman To-Oh student. He's an officer with the task force. He works with the Kira investigation, along with your father. He focuses on the Kira-related harassment cases and he, he...he suspects you, Light, of being a perpetrator of these attacks! He thinks you're guilty! He's been watching you through cameras for a long time now, for a very long time! Months! And he's, he's..."

I took a gulping breath of air and clenched my shaking hands to my sides. Light continued to stare emotionlessly at me, his fierce stare willing me to continue.

"And he's kept me in confinement for months now! Ever since January I've been his, his..." I couldn't find the proper word to describe my outrage, so I just settled with what came spurting out of my mouth instinctively. "...his, his fucking prisoner! I stumbled upon his investigation and he's had me in strict confinement ever since. To protect confidential information apparently, but I know that that's not the only reason. He's used me to get information from you and about you, Light! He's been trying to separate us from each other because he wants to use me as a pawn against you! I just know it! All the crap about me being in some witness protection program is all fake – it's not true! He's up to something, scheming and plotting. And I don't know what he's said to you, but know what I say is the truth! It's nothing but the truth!"

I brought my hands up to my face and moaned, "I want out of this! I want out of all of this! I want to be as far away from him as possible! Please help me, Light! Please help me!"

We stood in silence for a few seconds, my face still smothered in the palms of my hands. I thought I would feel liberated after telling Light everything, but I just felt exhausted and defeated. I heard Light approach me and he slowly took my hands away from my face. He looked at me with an endearing expression, almost a caring type of look. The glow from the cell phone fell upon his face and I sharply inhaled as I saw that caring look morph into a possessive stare that gazed back at me unwaveringly. Light grasped my hands before I could startle backwards and leaned in close to me.

His voice whispered softly in my ear, "Thank you, Etsuko." He brought me into a firm, rigid embrace, my hands pressed against my chest as he held onto me tightly. "I promise, I won't let him bother you anymore. I will hold good on that promise."

I swallowed and nodded numbly, feeling strangely unsure and uncomfortable with Light's words. There was something about the soft fierceness of his words and tone that didn't seem right.

Matsuda's cell phone suddenly began to ring. I looked at it, still clenched in my hand. Light released me from his hold and silently uncurled my fingers from around the phone. One of his hands still remained wrapped around my wrist, holding me close to him.

Light flipped the phone open and smoothly answered, "Hello?"

I could hear the responder's voice on the other end, muffled and faint, but recognizable. "Hello, Light. It appears you have Matsuda's cell phone."

Inspector Ryuga sounded just as smooth as Light, their voices effortlessly disguising any emotions they might have been feeling at that moment.

Light answered good naturedly, "Yes, I do."

"And I imagine you have Miss Yagami with you as well."

"Certainly," Light responded, his fingers curling tighter around my wrist.

"Perhaps you would be so good as to return them to me."

Light smirked in the eerie glow of the cell phone and stared at me with that same possessive look, this time not being able to fully disguise it. I stared back, feeling anything but protected or free. I felt scared.

"I would be happy to do so. I think we have much to discuss...Inspector Ryuga."

**...**

**A/N: Let the showdown begin! :P The next chapter may be quite the wait again since there's a lot to cover (and school has started up again). Always appreciate feedback and hope you enjoyed! **


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: No surprise this update is very late (how do you guys remain so patient with me?). Anyways, thanks for sticking it out and hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 11

"_Mistakes are the portals of discovery." – James Joyce_

**...**

Light and I stood side by side outside, the dim glow of a light post shining down on us. The wind whistled along the side of the hospital wall, the back door we had exited out of creaking slightly behind us. I shivered, not having my jacket to ward off the chilly, April weather; I had been in too much of a panic with uncle's heart attack to think of grabbing a jacket before leaving the hotel. Light stood perfectly still, his attention somewhere else completely. We didn't speak a word to each other, but just waited for our ride.

We only had to wait around ten minutes before a regal, black car rolled up in front of us. Watari exited the car and graciously held the back door open for us. We slid into the backseat and were whisked away from the hospital.

The drive was in silence. I stared out of the car window, absently watching the light posts pass us by as we sped down the road. I struggled to think of what I was going to say once we arrived at the hotel. My mind drew a blank. All I could think about was what my punishment was going to be. Images of being locked away from everyone flashed through my mind. My only sense of comfort was knowing that Light would do all the talking. He had told me, once he had hung up with Inspector Ryuga, that I could rely on him to do the explaining.

I snuck a glance at Light. He was staring straight ahead at the back of the front seat head rest, his eyes hard and calculating. He was preparing for the confrontation ahead. I returned to staring out the window, distracting myself by watching the cars drive by.

The nausea began as soon as I stepped out of the car in the hotel parkade. My hands began to sweat as we rode up the elevator to the top floor. And my heart began to race as soon as we entered the hotel suite and came face-to-face with Inspector Ryuga.

The lights in the room were dimmed for the evening and the dark, heavy curtains were pulled across the wide windows, blocking the sparkling view of downtown. It was a stuffy and constrained atmosphere. With the addition of Light and Inspector Ryuga staring at each other from both ends of the room, I felt like I was in a home-made courtroom. Inspector Ryuga was the judge. Light was my lawyer. And I was, unmistakably in my mind, the defendant.

_Let the drama begin..._

"If you don't mind, Light," Inspector Ryuga drawled out, his bony fingers stretching out in front of him. Light stood still for a second before stepping forward. He pulled out Matsuda's cell phone and placed it in Inspector Ryuga's hand. His fingers had barely left the surface of the phone before Inspector Ryuga spoke again.

"I believe you've only given back one of the items I requested."

I stiffened with both fear and outrage. The two emotions kept me rigid on the spot and rendered me speechless.

Light didn't instantly respond, but simply walked back to where I was standing and wrapped one arm around my tense shoulders. He stared back at Inspector Ryuga with slightly narrowed eyes. Inspector Ryuga stared emotionlessly back, his wide eyes empty.

"My cousin is not an item to be returned, Ryuga. As I'm sure you suspect, Etsuko has told me everything. Including the fact that you have kept her in confinement for the past few months."

Inspector Ryuga continued to stare back at Light with a blank look, as if what Light was saying was the most boring news he had ever heard. It didn't surprise me that he didn't outwardly react to Light's statement, although I could only imagine how annoyed he was inside.

Light continued on, his voice remaining steady and firm with a disciplined indignation. "If you think you can just keep my cousin locked away from the outside world, then you're wrong, Ryuga. My intention coming here was to give back that phone, but more importantly, to bring Etsuko here in order for you to apologize to her."

I slowly inhaled and held my breath. The silence stretched on far longer than I wanted or could endure. I muttered lowly, "Light, do-"

"So, what do you have to say, Ryuga?" Light cut me off, his eyes hardening as he continued to stare down Inspector Ryuga.

Inspector Ryuga slowly pocketed the cell phone and brought his thumb up to his bottom lip. He spoke around his finger, his eyes lazily fixed on the carpet. "I can't apologize for something that I fully intend to continue carrying out."

Light's grip tightened around my shoulder, his fingernails digging slightly into me. I winced and tried to shift a bit away, but Light had a firm grip on me.

"What do you mean? There's no way you're going to continue keeping Etsuko here." Light's voice had risen in volume, his tone becoming increasingly irritated.

I tried to speak; the sizzling, tense energy in the room was making me nervous enough to loosen my tongue. "Light, why don't-"

"I already informed you that that is my intention," Inspector Ryuga slowly explained, his eyes never changing from their dreary stare, his slouching form never shifting.

As for Light, his irritation kept growing and his grip on my shoulder kept tightening. He shook his head slightly and scoffed, "What for? She's told me everything already – there's nothing confidential to keep secret anymore. And I know that you've used her as a pawn to get information from me so there's no use in keeping her around for that anymore either!"

I knew that Light was arguing for my sake, but he spoke as if I wasn't in the room, right at his side. He spoke as if it was his feelings and pride that had been wounded by Inspector Ryuga, not mine.

"I have a very good reason for keeping her here," Inspector Ryuga smoothly answered back.

"Oh, really? What is it?" Light angrily shot back.

"For her protection."

The room fell into silence as Light and I digested Inspector Ryuga's words. I blinked rapidly, trying to sort out what Inspector Ryuga could possibly mean with his words.

_For my protection? What the hell is he implying? The only person I need protecting from is him!_

Light vocalized my thoughts in a soft, bitter tone. "The only person that Etsuko needs to be protected from is you, Ryuga."

"No," Inspector Ryuga simply responded, his eyes eagerly anticipating Light's next move.

Light stared at Inspector Ryuga in silence before he took the bait, confident that he could easily beat Inspector Ryuga in his own game.

"Who then?"

Inspector Ryuga remained irritatingly silent. His eyes stared back at Light with a knowing, meaningful look, with a look that spoke volumes of unspoken intent and knowledge. What was he trying to convey?

At first, Light glared back at Inspector Ryuga with unrestrained anger; his eyes smoldered with barely concealed rage. But they quickly softened and he smirked confidently, his eyes crinkling at the corners with a mirthless amusement. He snorted softly and let out a low, incredulous laugh.

"Me? Are you referring to me, Ryuga?"

My eyes instantly darted up at Light, wide eyed with shock and utter confusion. Light paid no attention to me. My eyes were glued to his face, trying to decipher what type of move he was trying to play.

Light limply let his free hand fall to his side and he shook his head in disbelief. "Why would Etsuko possibly need to be protected from me?"

The next look that Inspector Ryuga aimed towards Light was more frightening than the last one. It was a look of meaning and knowing, but also one of accusation. He wasn't simply implying something, he was accusing Light of something. Something that, based off of Light's look, was known to both of them. Light's eyes had burned with rage for a second, before they simply returned to a bored, hard stare. Almost as emotionless as Inspector Ryuga's own eyes.

I finally found my voice. It came out as a meek, timid squeak. "Light? Wh-what is he talking about-"

"Nothing, Etsuko," Light tersely replied, his eyes never budging from Inspector Ryuga's stare.

Oh, but it was something alright. Light's clipped response was proof enough that it was something important. Something that both Inspector Ryuga and Light didn't want me to know about.

The tension and suspense lingered heavy in the air. I felt like I was suffocating on the emotion that had flooded the room. I took a deep breath, trying to relieve the feeling of drowning.

"Inspector Ryuga, please. What is this all-"

"Never mind, Etsuko." Light squeezed my shoulder, commanding me to stop both with his words and solid grip.

I stared up in disbelief at Light, utterly confused as to why he was telling me to be quiet. He refrained from looking at me. His eyes were still on Inspector Ryuga. His eyes were hard and stern. And upset. And...subdued?

_What is this? What is it that both him and Inspector Ryuga don't want me to know about? And why is Light just, just...giving up?_

This had gone too far. First uncle had given in to Inspector Ryuga, and now Light was just standing by and remaining silent. How could Inspector Ryuga have so much power over everybody? Who...who was he?

I looked away from Light and stared straight ahead at Inspector Ryuga. His eyes remained fixed on Light, his thumb wedged in between his lips. He seemed so defenceless, and yet he held such power over people. Who...who was...

Without taking my eyes off of Inspector Ryuga, I slowly stepped away from Light. His hand fell away from my shoulder.

My voice came out as a whisper, unsure and nervous. "Wh-who are you?"

Inspector Ryuga's eyes flitted towards me and held my gaze. This time, I didn't look away. I stared down deep into his dark eyes, willing myself to not look away.

I repeated myself, this time louder and stronger. "Who are you, Inspector Ryuga?"

Light stepped forward and grabbed my arm. "Etsuko, let me talk-"

"No, Light." I yanked my arm out of his grasp and stood firm. "I want to know, once and for all. Who are you? Because there's no way, absolutely no way, that you're just a police officer."

Inspector Ryuga lazily removed his thumb from his mouth and idly wiped it on his jeans. "I don't know what gave you that idea, Miss Yagami, but perhaps it is best that you retire-"

"I am going nowhere."

Light stepped forward and grabbed my arm again, tugging me slightly towards him. He spoke with authority, but I could hear a faint hint of anxiousness in his voice. "Etsuko, why don't you leave the room for a bit and I'll talk to Inspector Ryuga-"

_That's it! That's the last straw!_

"No!" I yanked my arm from Light's grasp and stumbled forwards. "I'm sick and tired of being told to go to my room and let everyone else talk without me! I'm tired of not knowing what's going on!"

Light looked taken aback by my yelling and stared at me with surprise. Inspector Ryuga continued to stare back with lazy indifference. I was charged and ready to go. Enough was enough.

"You say you're only a member of the police force, that you're only investigating the Kira-related harassment cases, but that's not true. You pretty much have the whole task force wrapped around your finger! My uncle, the Chief of the NPA, follows any command that you give!"

"Miss Yagami-"

"I was thinking that you were maybe a member of the CIA or the FBI, but even they can't go around putting cameras in innocent people's houses and confine innocent people in hotel rooms for months at a time!"

"Etsuko, it's okay-"

"No, Light, it's not okay. I don't know why I haven't thought about it more, but it's so obvious that you aren't who you say you are, Inspector Ryuga."

"I think it's time Watari escorted you to your room, Miss-"

"And then there's the whole thing with your name! On Matsuda's phone you're listed as Ryuzaki or something. What's with that? Do you have some sort of alias that you only use for some people or-"

My words abruptly stopped as a sudden thought popped into my head. There was only one figure who held such power over the Japanese police force. It wasn't a police officer, or an FBI or CIA agent. It was someone else altogether. Someone who didn't go by their real name, but by an alias. An alias that I had seen in the newspapers and on the TV. An alias that I had first encountered months ago when that news reporter was murdered on live TV.

L. Some foreign, invisible entity that was apparently in charge of the Kira investigation. He was in charge of the task –

My eyes flashed towards Inspector Ryuga. He had meandered over to his laptop and was contacting Watari. His back was turned to me.

I sputtered out my words, heavily coated in disbelief and astonishment. "Oh-oh my gosh. You're him, aren't you?"

Inspector Ryuga slowly turned around to face me. His eyes were hard and stern. Watari's voice crackled from the laptop speakers, asking Inspector Ryuga if he needed anything. His question went unheeded.

I spoke again, this time my words framed as a statement. They still wavered with shock. "You're him. You're...you're L."

Inspector Ryuga stared at me in silence for a second before uttering, "Miss Yagami-"

"It's true! You really are – you won't deny it!"

Light stepped forward and tugged on my arm yet again. He spoke quickly. "Etsuko, listen to me! You should leave the room right now and-"

I gripped Light's own arms back and stared wildly up into his eyes. "Light, he's L! Inspector Ryuga is L! He's in charge of the whole Kira investigation!"

Light gripped my arms tighter and began to steer me towards the door of the room. I stumbled as he pulled me along. Light's voice increased in urgency and his eyes shone with a wild frenzy. "Etsuko, leave the room now-"

I pulled and tugged at his grip, my voice rising in a flurry of words. "And that means that...and that means that he's-"

"Etsuko! Please!"

I finally broke away from his hands and panted out, all the while staring unbelieving at my cousin. "That means that – when Inspector Ryuga...when L thinks that you're guilty, it doesn't have to do with Kira-related harassment. It – it...oh my gosh-"

Light's desperation ceased and he stared at me with a fierce irritation. He stepped towards me and pulled my numb body towards the door. He snapped angrily at Inspector Ryuga over his shoulder, "You could have prevented this! I didn't want her to become upset and now-"

"Light, he can't! He just can't suspect you of – of THAT! It can't be, it can't!" I moaned and gasped as Light continued to pull me towards the door.

"Etsuko-"

I broke away again from his grip and ran up to Inspector Ryuga. To L. I held my hands out imploringly, desperately.

"Please, tell me it's not true! You can't be serious! You can't possibly believe that...that..."

My heart beat raced faster and faster. My vision swam and Inspector Ryuga's stern face blurred in and out of focus. My pulse pounded throughout my whole body. I gasped and panted as I gripped my sweat drenched shirt. My panic skyrocketed as _it_ approached faster and faster.

Inspector Ryuga reached out his hand partly. "Miss Yagami, perhaps you should sit dow-"

"No! Not Light! Please! No, no, not Light!" I wailed and stumbled backwards, feeling unsteady on my feet. My breath came out in wheezes and my heart beat continued to pound incessantly and I collapsed to the ground.

A flurry of voices and pounding feet. Breathing becoming increasingly difficult. Heart never stopping, only pounding and thudding and echoing everywhere. Panic dripping off of my shaking body in streams of sweat. And a constant, horrifying thought replaying in my head as I descended into darkness.

_Inspector Ryuga thinks Light is Kira. Inspector Ryuga thinks Light is Kira..._

**...**

I woke to the sound of shuffling a little ways over to my right side. I was lying on something much softer than the carpet and soon realized that I was in my bed. I could hear the distant sounds of car horns honking in the city outside my window. The shuffling occurred again and I groggily opened my eyes.

I was indeed in my hotel room and a figure was sitting at the right side of my bed. After blinking a couple of times, I recognized the starched suit and grey hair and stared at Watari for a couple of seconds before he realized that I was awake. He shuffled in his seat and leaned forward a little.

"It appears you're awake, Miss," Watari calmly stated and held my stare. I was slow on the uptake and nodded after a couple of seconds.

Watari nodded good naturedly and leaned back in his chair. He began to pour water from a pitcher into a glass on my night table.

"You gave some of us quite a scare, Miss Yagami," Watari continued on levelly. "If your cousin hadn't informed us that you suffer from panic attacks, we may have thought that you were experiencing a heart attack instead."

Watari handed me the glass of water and I took it gratefully as I slowly sat up in bed. I gulped down the water and rested my lip against the rim of the empty glass, my eyes still finding it hard to focus completely.

"I...I passed out," I flatly stated to the room, not looking at Watari.

Watari nodded and took the glass to fill it up once more. "Yes." He handed me back the glass and looked at me with a somewhat interested expression. It was hard to tell with his glasses and stoic features what exactly he was feeling.

"If you don't mind me asking, Miss Yagami, do you experience these attacks regularly?"

I paused after a couple of sips and sighed, defeated and disappointed with myself. "Yes. Although, I usually am able to fight them off before they get to the point where I collapse."

_I was able to fight an attack earlier today when uncle was having his heart attack. That seems so long ago and it was only this afternoon..._

"But this time, I wasn't able to. The shock of it all..."

And that's when I remembered all that had occurred right before I had given in to the panic attack and fainted. How Light and I had come face-to-face with Inspector Ryuga. How Light had defended me, had fought for me, and then had grown uncharacteristically silent. How I had come to the realization that Inspector Ryuga was not really Inspector Ryuga, but was L, the head of the Kira investigation. And how Inspector Ryuga, how L, had believed my cousin was...was...

I suddenly sat further up in bed and almost spilled some of the water in my glass. I quickly turned to Watari and spurted forth, "Where's my cousin? Where's Light? I need to talk to him right away."

Watari calmly took my glass from me and slowly answered, "I hate to inform you that your cousin is currently engaged in discussing matters, Miss Yagami."

"You mean with...with L?"

Watari was silent for a couple of seconds and then nodded. "He prefers to be called Ryuzaki while on this investigation, Miss Yagami, if you do not mind."

"Oh. I see."

Watari answered my unspoken request before I could present it. "Your cousin will be able to see you presently after his discussion with Ryuzaki though, Miss."

"Y-you mean, Inspector, uh, Ryuzaki will allow me to see Light?" I tried to control the shock that came forth in my words.

Watari nodded slowly again. "Yes, Miss Yagami. I believe so."

Watari stood up before I could ask any more questions and pushed the chair over to the side. "It is important that you rest, Miss. If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to call." Watari nodded over to the hotel phone that I used to contact him if need be.

I slowly nodded and smiled a bit. "Thank you, Watari." I was grateful for his care.

Watari bowed and left the room, closing the door behind him. Although I had a whole storm of thoughts swirling throughout my head, my body was still weak from the attack and I fell asleep.

The next time I woke up it was darker in the room; the corner lamp had been switched off. I heard something shuffle at the foot of the bed and turned over onto my side to see what it was.

The moonlight filtered through my window and graced the figure sitting at the edge of the bed. Light was staring at the carpet, his eyes emotionless and hard. His hands were curled into fists and were clenched tightly beside his legs on the bed sheet. He didn't seem to notice that I was awake.

I shifted a bit more and he turned slightly to look at me. I held his stare, not knowing which one of us should move or speak first. Light seemed in no rush to speak, but just continued to stare at me, no expression crossing his face. I couldn't stand it any longer and bolted up into a sitting position and threw my arms around him.

"Light," I choked out and squeezed him tightly. After a second, Light slowly returned the embrace and softly rested his hands on my back. He didn't squeeze back, but just limply let his hands rest on my shirt.

I mumbled into the collar of his jacket, "Tell me everything's cleared up now. That you've explained everything to Inspe – to Ryuzaki and that everything's cleared up."

Light slowly pulled away and looked me in the eye, his eyes solemn. He whispered, "Etsu, I tried everything I could. You must believe me."

"Y-you mean, he still believes that-"

"Come on." Light abruptly stood up and offered me his hand. "He wants to meet with us briefly. To go over the game plan."

I hesitated, not wanting to see _him_ after all had been revealed only a couple of hours ago. As much as I wanted to cower in my room away from it all, I knew that I had to face it. Had to face the new direction that was planned out for me.

I took Light's hand and miserably followed him into the room where Ryuzaki was in.

He was crouched on the couch and munching on a large piece of cake. I watched him with distaste as he picked each strand of shredded coconut from the cake and lick it clean of the vanilla icing before swallowing it. He appeared to not notice we had entered, but just continued with his dessert.

I didn't know how to feel towards him. On the one hand, I was struggling to control my feelings of anger and outrage towards him. He had deceived me for so long and the fact that he believed that Light – no, it was unbearable to think of. On the other hand though, I couldn't believe that I had been interacting with L for months and didn't even know it. It was unbelievable that the robotic voice that had condemned the murder of that news caster so many months ago was this gangly, lethargic man who looked anything but a detective.

_More like some runaway weirdo who –_

"Are you content now with knowing what's going on, Miss Yagami?" Ryuzaki mumbled around a piece of cake in his mouth.

I tensed up and glowered miserably at his hunched over back at the other end of the room. He flashed me a sidelong glance that spoke volumes of annoyance and indifference at the same time. His stare provoked me, as if he was silently saying with his incessant stare, _"It was better being left in the dark, wasn't it? Should have left when I told you to."_

And indeed, as I marvelled over the revelations that I had discovered a couple of hours ago, a part of me wished that I was still stupidly oblivious to things. Still believing that Light was only a suspect of Kira-related harassment and that Ryuzaki was simply some backwards cop or agent. The sudden wealth of knowledge that I had acquired was overwhelming and frightening.

But I couldn't let Ryuzaki have the smug, annoying pleasure of knowing that...

"Light said you wanted to talk to us," I monotonously replied, not allowing my emotions to get the better of me.

Instead of replying, Ryuzaki just continued to stare at me, probably just to make me nervous or piss me off or something to that regard. Light sighed and decided to speak instead. He turned to me, placed his hands on my shoulders, and looked me deep in the eye. I prepared myself for the news.

"Etsuko, Ryuzaki and I have talked things over and we've come up with a plan that hopefully will suit all three of us." Light paused and removed his hands. He continued on fluidly, his voice soft and level.

"You will still be living here at the hotel, but," Light quickly moved on, as he noticed how I had sharply inhaled at his statement. "But, you will have a lot more freedom than previously. You will be able to attend school again on campus and can visit home or anywhere else you wish to go. As long as Ryuzaki is aware of where you will be and as long as you are escorted by one of the task force members."

I nodded, satisfied enough at the moment with the arrangement.

Light smiled a little and continued on. "In addition, I can visit whenever I want, as long as our conversations are recorded by cameras when I'm here and witnessed by an escort if we are somewhere else besides the hotel."

"O-okay," I mumbled, waiting for the other requirements to be listed.

"Finally, Ryuzaki will not be pressuring you or using you to ask me any questions or anything like that, okay? He's not going to ask anything of you, understand?"

I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled back at Light. "Yes. I understand. I gladly understand."

"There will be certain times where it will not be convenient for Light to visit though, Miss Yagami. Do you understand that?" Ryuzaki muttered over by the couch as he munched on a strand of coconut.

I grumbled quietly to myself and turned to him. "Yes, I understand."

"Then that's all," Ryuzaki turned back to his cake and paid us no attention. I couldn't decide if he was just being his regular anti-social self, or if he was actually upset that he had to compromise with Light and I. He wasn't completely getting his way anymore, but I had a feeling that his passivity was not completely genuine. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was playing rather low-key at the moment in order to mould a comforting sense of relief, just to completely change the dynamics later on. He was sneaky that way...

But at the moment, I was only thinking about one thing. As much as I was relieved that the guidelines were a bit more flexible, I still felt nauseous about the terrifying accusation against Light.

"Ryuzaki...do...how could you possibly think that Light...that Light is..."

Light stepped forward and gently pulled me back a little. "Etsuko, it's okay-"

"— that Light is Kira, Miss Yagami?" Ryuzaki flatly finished my sentence.

I sharply inhaled and choked on my breath. Hearing him say such words in such an unfeeling way was hard to hear. Hearing my cousin's name in the same sentence as Kira's was strange and scary and just...wrong.

"You should know that the chance of Light being Kira is at a very low percentage. Maybe..." Ryuzaki titled his head far back and gazed lazily at the ceiling. "...only 2 percent."

I gasped out, confused, "Then why all the fuss if the suspicion is so small? And, and why even do you suspect him of...of that? It doesn't make-"

"Etsu, listen to me." Light gently took my shoulders and turned me away from Ryuzaki. He had a soft look to him, but also looked determined and sure. "This isn't something for you to worry about."

"But I-"

"I know that you will worry nonetheless," Light gently interrupted. "But everything's going to be fine and is under control. I promise everything is going to be fine. Do you trust me?"

Light looked so sincere that I was able to overlook the cheesiness in which he spoke his words. I knew he was trying to comfort me, but I couldn't help but worry. Light didn't know how Ryuzaki could be so manipulative and sneaky and...

I plastered on a smile, trying to reassure Light even if I didn't feel reassured myself. "I trust you, Light."

Light returned the smile tenfold and gave me a quick, firm hug. "Good."

_Nothing about this situation feels good. Light, don't you realize what exactly it is that you're suspected of?_

Light quickly ended the embrace and said, "Now, I think you should get to bed, Etsuko. You still must be feeling weak after that panic attack of yours."

"Uh, yeah, I am-"

"And I really need to be getting home. Mom's going to be worried about where I've gotten to." Light whipped out his cell phone and checked if he had any messages or missed calls from his mother. He quickly pocketed his phone and flashed me another supportive smile before turning to Ryuzaki.

"I'll be seeing you around, Ryuzaki. Probably once my father gets better."

Ryuzaki slowly nodded his head and, without looking at Light, responded softly, "Yes, I'm sure."

Light quickly wished me a 'goodnight' and left the hotel suite. I was physically and mentally drained, but my feet were rooted to the ground. It felt weird to just simply leave the room and go to bed as if everything was normal. When I considered everything that had happened in that one day...it was unbelievable.

"Goodnight, Miss Yagami."

I turned my head slightly to look at Ryuzaki. He slowly picked at the few cake crumbs on his plate and licked his fingers. I suddenly was struck at how alone he looked. I quickly shook my head, not understanding why I was thinking that when he was still keeping me confined and believed that my cousin was...

"Goodnight...Ryuzaki," I quietly muttered and trudged out of the room. My feet led me to my bed and, without bothering to change out of my clothes, I fell into bed and let my exhaustion pull me down into sleep.

**...**

The next day I got a phone call from Light asking for a visit. Ryuzaki didn't allow me to have my cell phone still, but Light was able to call the hotel phone (which was bugged to Ryuzaki's system). He wanted to meet at a little cafe down the street from the hotel. Ryuzaki was surprisingly willing to allow me to go. I still couldn't help but think that he was only lulling me into a fake sense of security before he shook things up.

Before I headed off, I had to meet with Ryuzaki first so that he could assign my escort. It was ridiculous that I had to be monitored so closely, but I went along with it. I was happy that I had gained a little more freedom.

That happiness quickly turned into uneasiness when Ryuzaki picked my escort for the day.

"Matsuda, please escort Miss Yagami to her visit with Light," Ryuzaki ordered as he slurped up his coffee over by the couch. The members of the task force were seated in the same area, busy working. I was near the front door to the suite, lacing up my shoes, when I halted what I was doing and cringed.

I could see Matsuda out of the corner of my eye as he stood up from his seat and threw his suit jacket on. He wore a gloomy expression and his eyes remained fixed on the carpet as he walked over to me.

Ryuzaki drained his cup and added, a sharp undertone to his voice, "And keep a close eye on Miss Yagami this time, Matsuda. If that's not too much to ask."

Matsuda slightly flinched and his shoulders became tense. He nodded slowly and murmured with little enthusiasm, "Of course, Ryuzaki."

Ryuzaki flashed me a quick, threatening look, as if to say, _"Don't even think of pulling anything."_ and then turned away from both Matsuda and I to his dessert platter.

I refrained from looking at Matsuda; I was scared of what I would find if I looked into his eyes. I already knew what I would feel: disappointment and anger at myself.

It was easy to do, since Matsuda refrained from looking at me as well. He quickly slipped into his shoes and then quietly asked, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," I softly replied.

Matsuda opened the door for me and let me exit first. He trailed behind me as we walked down to the lobby of the hotel. I could hear his footsteps a couple of feet behind me, putting a bit of distance between us. It had only been yesterday when we had walked side by side down the hospital hallway. I had been plotting and scheming, but Matsuda had been content and supportive, happy to be accompanying me back to the hotel. And then even earlier on in the day, he had stood by me in the lobby as we waited for the paramedics. He had been close to my side and had occasionally reached out to squeeze my hand tentatively as I had cried. In a manner of less than 24 hours, a huge distance had grown up between us.

And it was all my fault.

I knew that I had to make things right. But I was scared to. I was scared of being rejected by Matsuda, of him being angry with me. He had every right to, but I couldn't bear the confrontation and the rejection and the end of whatever we had together.

_Friendship? Yeah, I guess we are friends. Or, maybe _were_ friends..._

As we neared the front doors to the hotel, I took a deep breath and began to turn around to face Matsuda.

"Matsuda-"

"Etsuko!"

I tore my eyes away from Matsuda, just as he had looked up to look me in the eye, and turned back towards the front doors. Light stood waiting by the doors, smiling and waving me over. The moment was gone to address Matsuda, but I knew that there would be another opportunity. How I dreaded whenever that opportunity would arise again.

We approached Light, who seemed to be in a cheerful, upbeat type of mood. It was surprising, since he hadn't seemed very happy and energetic in a long time.

"How are you this morning? Hungry?" Light asked good naturedly.

_Nauseous and upset and –_

"Yes, quite," I responded cheerily, masking my distress.

Light bought into it. "Good. The cafe is just down the street." Light looked at Matsuda and politely grinned. "Ryuzaki picked you for today, Matsuda?"

Matsuda adorned a small smile for Light. Although he was obviously upset, he put on a happy face as well. We were both wearing masks for Light that day.

"Yes. I'm happy to tag along."

'_Tag along.' I wish we could just sort things out, but I also don't want to and –_

"Well, hopefully you're not bored. I just wanted to catch up with Etsuko and all." Light flashed me another smile (he was smiling so much today) and we headed outside and down to the cafe. I wondered if he had some good news to share or if there was something in particular that had made him so happy.

_After the whole confrontation yesterday night, I can't imagine he could be very happy..._

It was nice outside and we decided to sit outside on the patio. Light and I sat across from each other, while Matsuda occupied a small table to himself. I felt bad that he was sitting by himself and wanted to beckon him to our table. But Light made it quite clear that he wanted it to be just the two of us, as he draped his jacket over the third chair at our table and leaned his arm on top of it leisurely. Matsuda didn't seem to care one way or another as he simply ordered a drink and continued staring down at his hands.

We talked about small things until our order came to our table. Light instantly dug into his sandwich, while I slowly nursed just a cup of tea. Light didn't seem to notice my melancholy mood as he cheerfully delved into a new topic of conversation.

"So, are you content with the new arrangements?"

I nodded. "Yes, they're much better than before." I paused and fidgeted in my seat. "Thanks for, uh, arranging all that with Ryuzaki."

Light smiled warmly. "It was no problem at all." Several seconds went by and Light's smile broadened. He coughed softly and sniffed as the wind whistled by and rustled the patio awning.

"_No need_ to thank or **repay** me or anything like that," Light softly concluded.

I raised my eyes slowly from my cup and met Light's inviting gaze. He had opened a new, silent conversation and was awaiting my response.

A few seconds of silence, a cough, and a sniff: _You in for a conversation?_

Lowering the voice in volume expresses the opposite spoken: _"No need" actually meant "There is a need."_

Lowering the voice in tone hints to words that should be focused closely on: _"Repay" had been muttered at a lower register._

Light wasn't just inviting me to join the conversation, but was informing me at the same time that there _was_ a need for me to repay him.

I shifted to the right and then to the left in my seat: _Yes, I have joined the conversation._

"Well, I'm **happy** to show my gratitude whenever it's** needed**," I replied back conversationally and looked back at Light with an open, accepting gaze.

'_I'm happy to help you with whatever you need.'_

Light simply nodded and said in a rush as he took a bite of his sandwich, "Starting any new courses in school this term?"

I couldn't detect any hidden meanings behind his question so simply answered truthfully. "Yes."

Light held my gaze and spoke, "A lot of new **information** to learn, I'm sure."

I blinked and my brow furrowed slightly. I couldn't be sure, but it sounded like Light was asking for information about...

I sought clarification as best I could. "Pretty heavy content actually in this one course I'm taking. It's a **cases** and issues in **criminology** course. It's **pretty difficult to grasp**." I raised an eyebrow slightly, posing a question to Light.

'_Do you mean you want information on the case? The Kira case? It would be pretty difficult to obtain.'_

I couldn't tell if it was simply the bright sun hitting Light's face, but he appeared to be beaming radiantly, his face flushed and his eyes twinkling.

Light nodded enthusiastically and responded solidly, "I see. Sounds like it can be **quite difficult**, but **worth **learning, no? I know **you can do it**."

'_Yes, I do want information about the Kira case. I know it would be quite difficult to obtain, but worth it. You can do it.'_

I suddenly regretted informing Light that I would be happy to help him in whatever way I could. How could he possibly think that I could get confidential information about the case to him?

I didn't want to just blatantly tell Light that I wouldn't do what he wanted. He had bargained with Ryuzaki for my sake and I felt like I owed him something. I settled with simply reinforcing how difficult such a task would be.

I lowered my eyes to my cup of tea and softly muttered, "...Yeah, I-I guess. But it's so **much effort** to learn it and it's also so **difficult **that I don't know how much it really is **worth** learning."

'_It would take so much effort and it would be so difficult to get that I don't know how worth it getting it would be.'_

Light's glowing countenance suddenly melted away into a barely concealed disappointed frown. He quickly covered it up by taking a large bite out of his sandwich and munched loudly as he mulled over what his next response would be. I fidgeted in my seat, nervously anticipating his next remark. Matsuda continued to sit silently at the table beside us, completely oblivious to our secret conversation.

Light wiped his mouth politely on a napkin and flashed a stiff (fake?) smile at me. "Truthfully, Etsuko, I think that type of knowledge is **very useful** to have. Or maybe..." Light softly laughed cheerlessly. "Or maybe I'm just speaking for **myself** since I'm **interested** in that type of stuff and it would **help me** in my career goals." Light took a sip of his drink and mumbled over the ridge of his cup, his eyes sharply aimed at me. "**As a** police officer trying to catch a **suspect**, that type of **knowledge** is **crucial**."

'_That information would be very useful to me because I'm interested in it and having it would help me out. As a suspect in the case, having that knowledge is crucial.'_

I opened my mouth to try to reassure Light, but he continued fluidly on, "Having those **case **andissues skills either **make you or break you**."

I mentally recoiled as I realized the depth of what Light was admitting, what I so desperately didn't want to consider: Light _was_ a suspect in the Kira case and it was either going to end with him being confirmed innocent or...guilty.

_Make you or break you..._

I tried to reassure Light while trying to reassure myself as well. "I can understand where you're coming from. Completely." I looked into Light's eyes in what I hoped was a soothing, comforting gaze. I didn't want Light to think that I wasn't being supportive.

_It's only natural that he would want to have information on the case since he's a suspect in it. But...but it's not only not having a clue as to how I would go about getting that information, it's the fact that, if I got caught trying to obtain it and then if Ryuzaki somehow found out that I was giving info to Light or was just becoming suspicious then...then who knows what he would do. Wouldn't his suspicions of Light grow even more? And I don't even want to know what he would do with me..._

I hated to disappoint Light. I hated the disappointed and crushed expression he would aim my way. But as much as I wanted to help him out, his request was going too far. I couldn't risk both his and my reputation with Ryuzaki, especially when Ryuzaki was suspicious of Light already. Besides the fact that it would be practically impossible that Ryuzaki or any of the task force members would release confidential information to me.

I tried to let him down as softly as possible by speaking slowly and gently. "I just don't think I'll be able to **get the material and that I'll fail** the course. And then my GPA would go down and I'd be **in trouble **and who knows what the **consequences would be **if that happened. I just worry and..." I couldn't look into Light's eyes as I finished lamely, "...and I think I'm going to **drop it.**"

'_I'm not going to be able to get the material – I'll fail at it. And if I get in trouble, who knows what the type of consequences would be. I'm...I'm not going to do. I'm dropping it.'_

The breeze fluttered the patio awning and whipped my hair across my face. Light's napkin flew away across the patio, but he didn't stand to retrieve it. He simply stared back at me in the tense silence that surrounded us. The tension that I had brought upon us with my denial of his request.

Light was not used to not getting his way. And it showed in his stern, twitching eyes.

He snorted softly and spoke in a strained voice that tried to come across as lighthearted. "A little bit of **work and a challenge **is making you **reconsider**? That's not like you **to give up so easily**, Etsuko."

Light's spoken words were pretty much identical to his secret message. He couldn't believe I was giving up so easily, but even more astonished that I was disobeying his request.

_Disobeying? That sounds like he's in power or something – but, I just can't do it! It's for both Light's safety and my own from Ryuzaki._

"...I just think it's **for the best**, Light. Might as well just let my course load **run smoothly. Less risk of failing** and all. You'll get the chance to learn the material **soon enough**." I weakly laughed, trying to make the mood lighter, even though I knew Light would not appreciate my efforts. He continued to stare at me with an incredulous, stern glare that he was finding difficult to conceal.

"You just need to be **patient** and you'll learn **everything you want to know soon enough.**"

'_It's for the best. Best to have things run smoothly. Less risk of failing and getting caught then. Just be patient and you'll find out everything you want to know soon enough.'_

I shrank further down into my seat, drained the rest of my tea, and looked around at the people on the sidewalk. Anything to keep my attention away from Light's fierce, accusatory stare. His gaze didn't falter and seemed to pulse and tremble with biting, harsh blame. He slowly picked up his spoon and began to stir his tea, his eyes never leaving my face. He was trying to unnerve me, trying to make me reconsider and change my mind. The clink of his spoon on the cup made me wince slightly, as if the tinkling sound was slowly chipping away at my resolve.

_Stay strong. I know this is hard to not do what he says, but it's for the best. For both of us. He'll come to realize that sooner than later. _

Matsuda seemed to notice that our conversation had abruptly ceased and turned his head slightly to look at us curiously. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was giving Light a strange look, almost as if he was noticing something weird about Light. Light became aware of Matsuda's inquisitive look and quickly softened his gaze and plastered a large, contorted smile on his face.

All of a sudden, Light began to laugh heartily and loudly, so loud that it startled a couple sitting behind us at another table. I winced and stared in bafflement at my cousin's sudden outburst. Matsuda appeared quite taken aback as well, but turned back to his drink, having dismissed whatever he had been thinking of when he had given Light that strange look.

I, on the other hand, became tense and disturbed by Light's display of sudden laughter. My hands quivered as he began to wind down from his laughing spell and I picked up my now empty cup simply to occupy my hands with something to quell the quivering.

Light wiped his eyes with his thumb and breathed slowly out. He flashed me a charming smile (too charming perhaps) and cheerfully said, "I guess **that** is the only **option**, Etsuko. Just waitand see. **Makes **_**total**_** sense to me**!"

I swallowed loudly as I digested his message: _'That option makes no sense to me!'_

He chuckled softly to himself and stared at me with crinkled, yet mirthless eyes. And I knew, deep down inside, that he was thoroughly disappointed in me. That he had used his raucous laughter to disguise the enraged yell that I'm sure he had wanted to let loose when I had denied him what he wanted.

I wanted to apologize even though I had done nothing wrong. I wanted to reassure him that I was –

"It's your birthday in a few weeks, isn't it, cousin?"

I blinked at the sudden change of topic and nodded numbly, not knowing what to say.

Light continued, a determined glint shining in his eyes, "I look forward celebrating with you. It doesn't seem that long ago that it was my birthday..."

_Where's he going with this...?_

"...And I was so happy that you were able to celebrate with me. Such a supportive cousin, Etsuko." Light leaned across the table and squeezed my hand tightly. Almost a death grip.

And that's when I realized what he was trying to get at. He was reminding me of what I had fervently told him during his birthday dinner. That I was on his side, that I would always be on his side. We had even clinked our glasses in a toast to my promise.

And, now, I had broken it. And Light was letting me know.

Light smirked unhappily as he saw the realization cross over my eyes. I looked pleadingly into his own emotionless eyes, trying to reassure him, trying to tell him that I was still on his side.

"Light-"

"I really need to be going, Etsuko. Lots of studying to get done. I'll get the bill." Light abruptly stood up and walked over to our waitress. I stared at his half-eaten sandwich, realizing that we had only been visiting for less than half an hour.

_Light didn't come here with me to chat and catch up. It was to pose his request and to receive an answer. An answer that he was sure I would give. And now that he's gotten an answer, the wrong one at that, he's finished and wants to leave. He only visited with me today for one reason: to get something._

That second realization crushed me further into the pit of disappointment that I found myself in. I had disappointed Light, but he had disappointed me as well. My guilt mixed with despair and I played with my napkin as I tried to fight back my feelings of confusion and hurt. I could see Matsuda looking at me, but I ignored his puzzled look and he didn't say anything.

Light returned quickly after paying the bill and we departed outside of the cafe. Light strolled down the street, his hands casually swinging at his sides as he walked. He appeared to simply be enjoying the warm, spring day as he walked away. The only sign that he was angry and disappointed was his slightly hunched over shoulders, but it was small and barely noticeable. He was upset, but was acting nonchalant about it.

I, on the other hand, felt sick with guilt and disappointment and...betrayal.

_Light didn't want to meet with me. He just wanted something from me. He just _wanted _something. _

Matsuda's voice broke the silence, as I stood on the sidewalk watching Light walk away. "Etsuko, are you ready to go back to the hotel?"

I turned around slowly to face him and nodded, my eyes briefly locking onto his. I quickly looked away, not liking the dull, gloomy emotion that lingered behind Matsuda's eyes.

We walked back to the hotel in silence, my regret and disappointment weighing me down so that my feet dragged on the sidewalk. Matsuda's forlorn presence wasn't making things any better and a surge of guilt washed over me as I stared at his shoes as we rode up the hotel elevator.

We had just entered the hotel hallway across from the suite when I decided to try to set things right. I was feeling horrible and confused about the whole situation with Light, but the tension between Matsuda and I was worse.

_Because it was all my fault. And because with Matsuda –_

"Matsuda, can...can I speak with you for a moment?"

Matsuda turned slowly around to face me. He shuffled awkwardly on the spot and shoved his hands into his pockets. He answered hesitantly, refraining from looking me in the eye, "...Sure."

I breathed slowly in through my nose and exhaled shakily through my parted lips. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering up a storm.

I wasn't brave enough to look him in the eye and softly spoke, "I'm...I'm sorry for...for doing what I did at the hospital."

The only sound was Matsuda shuffling on the spot. I sneaked a glance at his face. He was biting his bottom lip and his eyes were slowly roaming across the carpet. I nervously watched him as he figured out how he was going to respond.

If he was going to respond at all. The silence was unnerving. I couldn't stand not knowing what he was going to say.

And I couldn't stand being in such a vulnerable situation. I felt exposed and defenceless.

_I can't do this. He's going to say that he can't and won't forgive me. That I ruined everything and that whatever we had...that our friendship...is over. And I can't stand to hear that –_

"I had to do it though!" I abruptly sputtered out, startling Matsuda a little so that he instantly locked eyes with me. His eyes were forlorn and confused. My own must have been blazing with anxiety and desperation.

"I had to do it! I mean, I had to talk to Light and it was the only way I could do it!"

Matsuda blinked and his shoulders tensed. He spoke quietly, his voice laced with disappointment. "You could have talked to me-"

"I wanted to but it wouldn't have changed anything!" I interrupted, trying to convince Matsuda that I really had to do what I did and that I didn't want to hurt him, but that –

Matsuda exasperatedly sighed out and his eyes darted across the carpet. He stuttered out imploringly, "We could have, we could have...we could have figured something out. I could have talked to Ryuzaki for you and-"

I closed my eyes briefly and shook my head, completely dismissing what he said. "Matsuda, you and I both know that talking to Ryuzaki would have been useless."

Matsuda's shoulders slumped and he fiddled awkwardly with the cuff of his jacket. His eyes were filled with disappointment, but they flashed quickly with resentment.

He snorted softly, incredulously. He raised his hands slightly and then let them fall limply to his side as he bitterly whispered, "But lying works, right?"

His words stung and my body clenched in on itself. I fumbled on my words, "I didn't want to. I really didn't want to."

"But you did anyways." Matsuda's voice remained level and quiet, but he wasn't trying to disguise the biting accusation that filtered through his words anymore.

I continued on, trying to make him understand. Completely oblivious to how insensitive I was being.

"...It was my only option. Can't you...can't you see that, Matsuda?" I stared imploringly into his eyes, begging him to understand.

But Matsuda only got one thing out of my pleading with him to understand why I did what I did. He only understood one thing from my failure at a genuine apology.

He sadly looked at me and shook his head, his voice starkly crushed. "You're not really sorry for...for lying to me, are you?"

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to not look away from his disappointed eyes. "I...of course I...I just had to-"

"I thought I could trust your word, Etsuko, but I guess..."

I waited with bated breath as he sighed, defeated. Matsuda shook his head a little and turned around. "...I have to go."

I watched numbly as Matsuda began to walk slowly towards the suite.

_Trust my word. Does he think everything I said was a lie? Did he thinking I was lying when I said that I liked playing cards with him and that he was helpful and kind and...?_

"Matsuda, wait!" I shouted after him, but he was already inside the suite and had closed the door. I stood in the middle of the hallway, angry at myself.

_I completely failed at what I had meant to do, which was to apologize. I just stood there and defended myself the whole time. And now Matsuda thinks that everything I said to him was a lie. I'm insensitive and mean, mean, mean._

I walked slowly towards the suite, my hands rubbing viciously at my eyes before any tears could fall.

I had made the mistake of letting down Light, and discovered how little he really wanted to spend time with me. I felt betrayed by him.

I had made the mistake of letting down Matsuda, and discovered how much his friendship really meant to me. I felt, I knew, that I had betrayed him.

My guilt and hurt followed me into the suite and into my bedroom. There it stayed with me, hovering all around me and inside of me. There it nestled and lied, lingering with me for the rest of the day.

**...**

**A/N: Always welcome feedback and hope you enjoyed!**


	12. Chapter 12

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: This chapter doesn't have as much "action" per se. It focuses more on some of the shifts and developments in relationships. There are also little bits and pieces here and there that somewhat set the stage for later chapters. **

**And I decided to dedicate this chapter to oursolemnhour49, because I really tried to cut down on my wordiness (I think a whole page is gone after I edited this). Thanks for your constructive feedback and support! :) **

Chapter 12

"_Relationships are built on all different foundations, but the ones that last are built on trust and open, honest conversations." – Anonymous _

**...**

I used to love being by myself. I used to love coming home from a busy day of school and spend the evening in my room, alone and content. Not having to please anyone or worry about how I was viewed by others. Able to just soak up the solitary nature of an empty room with only me to occupy it. It was peaceful and relaxing and good.

How drastically different I felt now! I craved human interaction like never before the following days after my visit with Light and my botched apology attempt with Matsuda. Light hadn't phoned or visited since I denied his request and Matsuda hadn't knocked on my door once. That peaceful solitude of being by myself had turned into a crushing loneliness that I couldn't shake off.

I poured my heart and soul into my schoolwork. I actually looked forward to going to school in case I may see Fumiko. Just to have someone to talk to who wasn't involved in all the crap that had filtered into my life. But she wasn't in any of my classes and I never ran into her on campus.

Matsuda usually drove me to and from school. It would always be an awkward drive in silence. Every time I told myself that I would finally speak to him and really apologize. But each time I chickened out and remained quiet.

Occasionally, Officer Ukita would drive me and we would talk a bit. He would tell me about his girlfriend who just wanted him to settle down and how he was trying to quit smoking. And I would listen and comment every once and awhile, happy to just hear about ordinary life type of things. I think we both liked those car rides, simply because the only things we could discuss with one another were boring, mundane aspects of life.

I visited uncle in the hospital a couple of times and he reassured me that he would be getting out soon. I wanted to visit auntie and Sayu, but was too worried that I would run into Light at home and would have to speak with him. I was scared of how angry he still was towards me.

Each morning I would hand in the outline of my day to Watari who would give it to Ryuzaki to review. He needed to know every place I would be going at what time and who I would be phoning and such. The only change in my life seemed to be moving every two weeks to a new hotel. Life became unpleasantly routine.

Until a certain incident occurred a little over a week after meeting with Light at the cafe. I had been consumed with studying for a big exam and had lost track of the dates. I didn't realize until 12:00 p.m. that my mother's birthday was the next day. In a normal situation, this wouldn't have been a problem, since I had planned on phoning her on her birthday. But living under the tyranny of Ryuzaki, things were a lot more complicated. I had already handed in my schedule for the next day and hadn't included making a phone call to my mother. Once Ryuzaki approved my schedule for a day, he wasn't keen on making changes. Therefore, I knew as I set aside my study notes and reached for the hotel phone, that I would be facing a challenge.

I dialled Watari's number, hoping and wishing that Ryuzaki would be flexible for once in his life.

"Good evening, Miss Yagami. Still awake at this late hour?" Watari inquired smoothly from the other end of the phone. He always sounded so crisp and refine. Even at 12:00 at night.

"Uh, yes, Watari. Cramming for an exam that's tomorrow."

"Ah, I see," Watari responded, slightly trailing off as he waited for my request.

"Watari, I was wondering if I could quickly speak to Ryuzaki."

_Hold your breath._

"I'm sorry, Miss Yagami, but he is unavailable at the moment." Watari quickly responded.

"Unavailable? At this time of night?"

Watari remained silent on the other end of the phone, which prompted me to continue with determination.

"Well, then can I just tell you a change to my schedule for tomorrow?" I asked with sugary politeness, hoping that would get me my way.

But Watari wasn't affected by my sweetness. "I'm sorry, Miss Yagami, but you have already submitted your schedule for tomorrow and it's already been approved by Ryuzaki. I'm afraid any change you want to make will have to wait until the day after tomorrow."

I began to waver a bit in my speech, as my plan slowly crumbled apart. "B-but I have to make a phone call tomorrow. It's important."

"My apologies, Miss Yagami," Watari levelly responded, effectively refusing my request.

I scowled at my reflection in the window and tried not to sigh very loudly. Watari politely inquired when I didn't speak, "Is there anything else you need, Miss Yagami?"

I puffed out my bottom lip in an annoyed pout. "...No. No, I don't."

"Goodnight, Miss Yagami."

"Goodnight, Watari."

I hung up the phone and huffed loudly. I trudged over to my bed and fell onto the bedspread with defeat.

_Well, there goes that idea. As if I really thought that I would get my way. _

I sat up and dragged my feet to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I was still internally grumbling with annoyance as I went about my bathroom routine.

_Unavailable? Pfftt, yeah right! What could he possibly be so busy with that he can't see me for a second?_

I furiously brushed my teeth, taking my frustration out on my poor gums that began to bleed a little.

_He thinks he can just let his butler politely turn me down and that's that? _

I spat a glob of toothpaste into the sink and took heaping mouthfuls of water to rinse my mouth out, imagining Ryuzaki's face each time I spat the water out.

_Stupid, weak, timid Etsuko just needs to be told "no" and she'll back down obediently to the master of the suite. _

I roughly grabbed the towel by the sink and wiped my mouth. As I gazed back at my irritated face in the mirror, wishing I could let my annoyance out on Ryuzaki, I realized that I very well could.

_That's it. I've been docile for too long, giving in to every command and order of Ryuzaki's. Well, not this time. _

"Right," I whispered to my reflection in the mirror and absently tossed the towel aside. I grabbed my sweatshirt, quickly pulled it over my night shirt, and opened the door to my bedroom. I quietly tiptoed the hallway, making sure no one saw me sneaking out of my room. I smirked to myself, surprisingly loving the feeling of being devious.

_I want this phone call and I'm going to try my darndest to get it. Even if I go down, at least I'm going to let Ryuzaki know that I mean business and am not going to be pushed around as much anymore._

As I reached the main sitting area of the suite, I found Ryuzaki sitting alone on a chair positioned in front of the TV. I could tell from the hazy glow from the television screen that his back was more hunched over than usual and his face was completely hidden by his mop of black hair. The only light in the room came from the TV, the blue screen enshrouding the room in an eerie glow. I stood still against the wall, just staring at Ryuzaki.

After a couple of seconds, I stepped tentatively forward and softly addressed him.

"Ryuzaki."

He turned slowly towards me, and I imagined his bones creaking and shifting as he rigidly turned around in his seat. He blinked a couple of times as he gazed at me from across the room and I realized by his long stare and lack of words that he really hadn't heard me approach.

_He must have been really absorbed thinking about something. I never catch him off guard. _

When he continued to dully stare at me with no sign of speaking, I proceeded to inform him of why I was there. I spoke with a balance of politeness and resolve.

"I want to make a change to my schedule for tomorrow, please."

Ryuzaki blinked again, as if only then just realizing that I was standing before him and slowly answered, "...Your schedule has already been approved for tomorrow, Miss Yagami. Please return to your room."

I wasn't unnerved by his denial of my request; I knew I would face resistance. I marched on steadily, not letting him get to me.

"Can't you just change it? It's just a phone call I want to make tomorrow."

"It's already been approved. I don't have time to overlook it again."

Now I was getting perturbed. He was being ridiculously unreasonable.

I tried to control my voice from sounding too annoyed. "You don't have time? Y-you don't need time, you just have to fit one, simple phone call in."

Ryuzaki continued to stare at the carpet lazily and his voice continued to drone on. "I am very busy, Miss Yagami."

That was the tipping point for me. I sighed with frustration and incredulously responded, "Busy? It's the middle of the night. And there's no one from the task force here. I don't see Matsuda or Aizawa or Ukita-"

"You coming here was pointless, Miss Yagami. Now leave." Ryuzaki's eyes darted towards me and flashed with obvious annoyance. And his voice had changed from his regular, gloomy monotone murmur to a biting command.

I was taken aback by the fierceness of his order and how barefaced his annoyance had been as it had quickly flashed across his eyes.

_Something must have rattled his bones this evening..._

It was then that I realized how quiet it was in the suite. I remember Matsuda had once told me that the task force sometimes worked well into the night, and I had occasionally heard the murmur of conversation from the main room as I had fallen asleep in my room down the hall. But no task force member was present. Maybe Ryuzaki had given them the night off, but that didn't seem likely.

And then there was Ryuzaki himself. He had been so absorbed in whatever he had been thinking about that he hadn't even heard me enter the room. He had looked so tired and drained and even, dare I say it, forlorn when he had turned to look at me. And then his anger when I had mentioned members of the task force...

I softly murmured, hesitant and nervous to receive an answer to my question. "Did...did something happen tonight?"

Ryuzaki muttered after a second, his back turned towards me. "...Nothing that concerns you, Miss Yagami."

Now that he had settled back down into his gloomy, regular self, I tried again with my request, refusing to give up so easily.

"Please, it's important that I make this phone call tomorrow."

Ryuzaki silently uncurled from his chair and walked over to the coffee table where empty cups and packages of sweets were placed. He fingered the different desserts, occasionally picking one up to give it a swift lick before deciding if he wanted to devour it or return it to the pile.

He slowly licked a chocolate ball covered in sprinkles and popped into his mouth. He murmured noisily, his eating sounds getting in the way of his words. "What's so, mhm, important about this call that you need..." Ryuzaki loudly licked his lips and fingers before continuing, his eyes already searching for his next victim amongst the desserts. "...to make it tomorrow?"

I breathed in deeply, hoping that I was actually getting somewhere with him. "It's my mom's birthday tomorrow and she's not able to celebrate with us here in Tokyo this year. That's the first time ever I won't see her on her birthday, which makes calling her even more important."

Ryuzaki fingered a pretzel with icing on it, some type of pastry, and what looked like a red bean rice cake before deciding on the pastry. He munched loudly, his chewing grating on my nerves.

He licked the crumbs off his fingers carefully before muttering carelessly, "There's the day after tomorrow, Miss Yagami. A mere 24 hours won't make a difference."

I stiffened and curled my toes into the carpet, rooting myself to the ground with incredulous frustration. "Won't make a difference?! It's her birthday! It may be a mere 24 hours any other day of the year, but you know that's not the case when it's the birthday of a family member or a friend!"

Ryuzaki's hand froze as it reached down to pinch another sweet. His hand wavered above the dessert for a couple of seconds, before he slowly pulled his hand away and stuffed it into his pants pocket. He stood hunched over the coffee table, his eyes gazing at the desserts, but not really seeing them. The hazy light from the TV glinted in his eyes, revealing a dull, puzzled look that only lasted a second before he slowly trudged back to his chair.

And that's when I realized that he didn't know. The very concept of wishing someone a 'happy birthday' seemed to be absurd and unfamiliar to him as he had stared down at the table, his eyes flashing with that look of brief confusion.

_But that's ridiculous. How could he not be familiar with such a practice? Surely he has parents and maybe siblings who he's wished a 'happy birthday' to before. Back home wherever his original home is? Right?_

But as Ryuzaki wordlessly returned to his seat and curled back into his standard crouching position, I became less convinced that he could relate to such a thing.

_How could he not know? It's impossible. Unless his family doesn't celebrate or...or he doesn't have any –_

"Please return to your room, Miss Yagami."

Ryuzaki continued staring at the TV screen, his thumb wedged in between his lips. His eyes were back to their emotionless gaze. I couldn't figure out what to say. I suddenly felt drained and defeated. And as I glanced at Ryuzaki, I could tell that he must have felt the same. The light accentuated the bags under his eyes and I wondered if something did indeed happen earlier on in the day. Or if it was what I said.

I numbly turned around and silently staggered to the hallway. Right before I rounded the corner, I heard Ryuzaki whisper dully, "I'll consider it."

I froze mid-step, had the urge to look back, but instead softly murmured, "Thank you."

I continued on to my room, surprisingly not thinking about if I had given in too easily or whether or not he would relent and give me that phone call tomorrow. Instead, I reflected on that puzzlement that had crossed his eyes. That quick glimpse of some type of emotion that had barely been registered in his look before it had flitted away just as quickly as it had appeared.

And as I crawled into bed and slowly drifted to sleep, I struggled with the uncomfortable sensation of feeling sorry for Ryuzaki, for what reason I did not quite know or dare to ponder.

**...**

As I got ready the next morning, I didn't think about the discussion between Ryuazaki and I that had transpired the night before. Although my mind wanted to reflect on the weird, little exchange, I committed myself to focusing on last minute cramming for my exam.

I was so busy reviewing my notes as I walked down the hallway, that I didn't at first see Uncle Soichiro standing at the end of the hall. I did a double take before running up towards him.

"Uncle Soichiro!"

Uncle turned to me and smiled weakly as I ran up to him. "Etsuko."

"Uncle, what are you doing here?! The doctor said you would be in the hospital for another week still!" I panted out, my eyes closely inspecting his face for answers.

"Yes, I know. But I was...I was feeling much better and was discharged last night." Uncle paused and looked down at the ground. He appeared to be struggling with which words to use. "This case is just too important for me not to be here. The rest of the force and Ryuzaki need all the help they can get."

"Yes, but uncle, I'm sure if you still need rest-"

"I've received all the rest I needed," Uncle Soichiro gently reassured me. I wasn't quite sure though; he had slight bags underneath his eyes and his voice was heavy with tiredness.

"Are you sure, uncle?" I worryingly inquired.

Uncle smiled weakly and nodded. "Yes, Etsuko. Don't worry."

I settled with his answer, but I couldn't help but find it weird that the hospital had discharged him during the night instead of during the day. And it was weird that his doctor had changed her mind when she had only mentioned a couple of days ago that he wasn't well yet to return to work.

"You studying hard, I see." Uncle changed the topic and nodded towards my study notes that I had clenched in my hands.

"Oh, yes. I have a big exam this morning. I was just reviewing my notes while I waited for Officer Ukita," I explained as I stuffed my notes into my book bag.

Uncle was silent. His eyes crinkled and his brow furrowed deeply. His voice was slightly hoarse when he spoke.

"Ukita."

"Yes, I believe he is the officer who is driving me to school today?" I questioned, nervously noticing how pale uncle's face had become.

Uncle Soichiro continued to stare numbly back at me before he softly said under his breath, "Then you didn't..." Uncle abruptly cleared his throat and continued more audibly, "Officer Ukita isn't...available today to drive you."

"Oh...I see," I softly responded, confused and worried at how crushed uncle appeared.

_Did something happen-_

"Uncle, are...is everything alrig-"

"Another task force member will be driving you today, Etsuko. Just wait while I go find out who it is," Uncle Soichiro cut me off briskly before I could finish my question and turned down the hall to the main sitting area. I stood baffled on the spot, reflecting on how uncle's voice had broken a little before he had finished speaking.

_Something did happen._

A few minutes later Aizawa showed up looking more stern than usual. I really didn't know anything about him, except that he seemed to shout a lot (I heard his yells all the way down the hall in my room with the door closed on a regular basis). I was also somewhat nervous around him because of his strict demeanor. He intimidated me and I, naturally, shied away from such a person.

So, I was not too pleased when I found out Aizawa would be driving me to school. And telling by his thin lipped scowl, I didn't think he was too happy with the arrangement as well. It was weird – he had never driven me before. It had always either been Matsuda or Ukita. Ukita was apparently unavailable. But then what about Matsuda?

"Are you ready to go then or what?" Aizawa grumbled, avoiding my uneasy gaze.

"Y-yes." I simply responded and we left the suite.

I was grateful that traffic was good, leading to us arriving at the campus on record time. The whole drive had been bathed in a tense, uncomfortable silence. I had avoided Aizawa (and he had avoided me, too) the whole time, until he dropped me off and told me he would be back to pick me up in the afternoon. It was then that I got a quick glimpse of his face before he drove off. His stern countenance temporarily cracked and his mouth turned down into a sad, miserable frown. He quickly looked away and sped off down the road.

_What's going on? Ukita and Matsuda are missing and something's bothering uncle and Aizawa. _

The day went by at an agonizingly sluggish speed. I felt like scowling myself by the time Aizawa pulled up to drive me back to the hotel. He appeared to be his normal self again and the sad frown that he had briefly worn did not reappear. I dreaded finding out if something bad had occurred, but not knowing was almost worse. I felt queasy wondering about all of the things that could've gone wrong. I didn't dare ask Aizawa though; I was scared he would get angry at me.

As I walked down the hall to my room, I sighed with relief that the day was over. I considered taking a nap to get away from my worries. But as I passed one of the spare bedrooms, I stopped outside the door and listened.

Something had rustled inside the room. I tentatively peered through the partly opened door to see none other than Matsuda sitting on the edge of the bed. His head hung heavy in his hands, his hair covering his face. The drapes had been pulled partly across the window to block out the setting sun. Patches of orange sunlight covered one side of the room while the back of the room where Matsuda was hunched over was clothed in heavy shadows. He sniffled every once and awhile, but didn't move.

I could've walked away without him ever knowing I had peered at him through the door. I'm sure he didn't want to see me, since we were still at odds with each other (or he was at odds with me). But my feet wouldn't move and my eyes remained focused on him. And all my worries were suddenly focused completely on him as he sat there with his face burrowed within his hands. He appeared to be the very picture of dejection.

I was...I was concerned about him.

Before I could rationally think about what I should do, I slid through the door as quietly as I could and took a couple of steps towards him. He didn't move, evidently not hearing me enter the room. I stood before him, listening to him breathe heavily. I didn't have anything planned to say and had acted quite spontaneously by entering the room. It was clear that Matsuda wanted some privacy. But the concern I felt towards him wiped away any caution or hesitancy I had possessed.

Matsuda sniffled again and something triggered within me to speak.

"Matsuda?" I whispered.

Matsuda quickly looked up, wide-eyed with surprise that someone had spoken. His eyes quickly settled and he breathed slowly out as he recognized that it was me. He then quickly went about rubbing his nose on his hand and fixing his suit jacket. He refrained from looking at me, his bangs hiding his eyes from my sight.

When he didn't answer me, but just continued wiping his nose and fidgeting on the spot, I asked gently, "Are – are you alright?"

He was quick to respond by swiftly nodding his head and said, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

He looked anything but fine by the way he had been hunched over with his face in his hands. And as I gazed nervously at his red nose and watery eyes, my concern spiked.

Before I could ask him again if he was alright, he asked me frankly while still averting my gaze, "Do you need anything, Etsuko?"

This was my chance. My opportunity to really apologize to him. To maybe make him feel better with whatever was bothering him by telling him that I really was sorry for deceiving him and using him for my own gains.

_Go on, go on. You can do it –_

But my fear won over.

"Nope. Nothing." I blankly answered, now averting my gaze from him.

Matsuda didn't say anything. I turned around and cowardly headed for the door. My hand rested on the door knob and I heard Matsuda shuffle on the bed. I pictured his dejected face and his sad eyes. I heard him sigh and sniffle once again. And my concern finally tipped over.

_Enough is enough. Just swallow that fear and take the leap. Stop letting this be about you and your fear and let it be about him. _

Without turning around, I swallowed loudly and shakily exhaled, my hand trembling with nerves as it clenched the door knob tightly.

"Actually...I'd completely understand if you don't believe me, but I need to say it anyways." I took a deep breath and continued. "I'm really sorry for lying to you, Matsuda, and using you to get my own way, to see Light at the hospital that evening."

I pictured Matsuda's cheerful, naive face as I had lied to him in that hospital hallway. I cringed as I pictured Matsuda's looks of betrayal and sadness that he had worn around me for the past several days.

"I was completely not thinking..." I paused and slightly shook my head, realizing that I was beginning to make excuses again. I corrected myself softly, "No. I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking of your feelings at all."

Matsuda remained silent behind me. I tried not to think of what he was going to say, but just pressed on, using my feelings of regret and remorse to spurn my words on.

"And for that, I'm truly sorry." I swallowed the remaining bits of my fear and turned around to face him. I took one step towards him and concluded softly, "I...I really am, Matsuda, and I...I promise it won't happen again."

Matsuda didn't say anything and continued to gaze sadly at the carpet, his hands hanging limply in between his legs. The silence was suffocating and my heart pounded against my ribcage as I anxiously waited for him to respond. When he didn't, I lowered my eyes sadly, believing he hadn't accepted my apology, and began to turn away towards the door.

Suddenly, Matsuda's hand shot out and grasped my own. He spoke, his voice hoarse, but soft and gentle, "Don't go."

I froze on the spot and looked down at my hand clasped in his. My eyes then roved upwards towards his face. His eyes were glassy and cheerless; I had never seen him so unhappy. His breaths were uneven and shallow. He sniffed loudly and this time he didn't bother to wipe his nose. My concern morphed into dread.

"Matsuda, what's wron-"

"Ukita's dead."

I blinked, believing I had misheard him. He couldn't have possibly said –

"W-what?" I whispered, disbelief thick in my voice.

"Kira killed him. Last night. Right outside the Sakura TV station." Matsuda sniffed loudly and shut his eyes tight. "He was trying to stop it from continuing, but...Kira killed him."

I felt my hand tremble slightly from Matsuda's shaking hand that was still clasped within my own. He continued on, his eyes still shut tight and his voice choked with emotion.

"And we couldn't do anything. We just stood there, watching him lie on the pavement. We...we couldn't do anything...nothing..."

A dry sob escaped Matsuda's mouth and he brought his free hand up to his face and covered his eyes. A million questions swirled within my head, but I pushed them all aside and focused on the trembling man in front of me who was steadily falling apart. I stepped closer to Matsuda and tentatively wrapped my arm around his shaking shoulders. I squeezed his hand, just as he had done for me as we had waited for the paramedics that day.

I didn't know what to say, but felt I should say something to console him. I couldn't tell him that everything was alright, because things were definitely not alright. And I couldn't tell him things were going to be okay, because I didn't know if they were going to be okay. So I settled with the only thing I could think of that maybe would bring him some comfort. The only thing that I knew was true.

"I'm here, Matsuda. I'm not leaving."

Matsuda squeezed my hand tightly and I squeezed back. We stayed that way for a few minutes, I occasionally whispering the same words to Matsuda, while Matsuda continued to sit relatively silent on the bed, sniffling here and there. At one point, I felt something wet hit the side of my thumb and I looked down at the hand clasped in Matsuda's hand. A small teardrop wavered on my skin before it rolled down the side of my finger and disappeared into the crease where my hand met Matsuda's. I didn't say anything, but just held tightly to Matsuda's hand.

After the few minutes of being that way, Matsuda abruptly sat up straighter and viciously began rubbing his eyes and nose and whole face by the looks of it. I looked away, not wanting to stare as he wiped away any evidence of his distress. He breathed slowly out and straightened his tie.

"Tha-thanks, Etsuko," Matsuda shakily breathed out.

I was startled by his gratitude. "What for?"

"I can't let the rest of the task force and Ryuzaki see me like this, but you...it's okay when I'm with you."

Matsuda finally looked up at me and held my gaze. His eyes were still sad and weary, but they were brimmed with a warmth and acceptance that I hadn't seen behind Matsuda's eyes in what felt, and what was indeed, quite a long time. In his steady look, there was the unspoken message that he had forgiven me and that he had no intention of wanting to linger on what had transpired between us that night at the hospital.

I felt like choking up myself as I felt the weight of guilt and grief lift from my heart as I continued staring into his gentle, brown eyes. I expressed my appreciation through my barefaced smile, and communicated my gratitude by squeezing his hand.

We never spoke about the incident at the hospital again.

It was then that we both realized that our hands were still clasped together. The realization sent us both pulling our hands away and sheepishly looking away from each other. I felt my face grow hot and shook some of my hair into my face to cover my flushed cheeks.

Matsuda broke the awkward silence. "I-I better get back to the task force. I told them I had to get something and really should get back before they begin to wonder."

"Y-yeah. I better get to my room because, um, because Watari will be phoning my room soon to find out what I want for dinner," I stammered, avoiding Matsuda's gaze. Although it wasn't too hard, since he was awkwardly looking away from me as well.

"Well, then, I'll...I'll be seeing you around, Etsuko."

My embarrassment vanished and I smiled at Matsuda, grateful that our car rides and encounters would be enjoyable once again. Matsuda weakly smiled back, perhaps realizing the same thing.

We departed at the door to the bedroom. Our departure signalled the beginning of a long line of troubling questions that flooded my brain.

_How could Ukita be dead? What the hell happened last night? Why was Ukita by the Sakura TV station and why couldn't the task force help him? What was he trying to put an end to? Is Uncle Soichiro's unexpected return have something to do with all of this? How...how could this have happened?_

I was so absorbed in my thoughts as I paced along the length of my room, that I didn't even realize the phone was ringing until the third or something ring.

"Hello?"

"It's Watari, Miss Yagami. I'm phoning to inquire about your dinner plans tonight."

That line of Watari's always got to me: "dinner plans." As if I was deciding on a restaurant to dine at that night.

"Um, well-"

"I have Gyūdon Donburi or Champon with scallops and-"

"The Donburi sounds good. Thank you, Watari," I quickly decided, wanting to get back to my endless train of thoughts and questions.

"Very good. One other thing, Miss Yagami."

"Yes?"

"Ryuzaki has decided to allow you to make your phone call."

I was rendered speechless. I couldn't believe Ryuzaki actually was giving in to my request.

"R-really?"

"Yes, Miss Yagami. I have made the connection with your phone to my monitor. You can make the phone call at any time this evening."

_Amazing. My plan actually worked._

"Thank you, Watari. I'll make the phone call before dinner."

"Very well, Miss Yagami."

As soon as I hung up the phone, I was dialling my home phone number back in Tottori City. As I listened to the ringing on the other end of the line, a thought entered my mind that hadn't crossed it earlier on.

_Ryuzaki was acting kinda weird last night. Sort of more dreary and glum than usual. Did it have anything to do with what happened to Ukita? _

A sudden flashback to what I had said the night before suddenly popped into my head.

_**I don't see Matsuda or Aizawa or Ukita –**_

Ryuzaki had angrily interrupted me after I had mentioned Ukita's name. A member of his team had just died – had just been _murdered_ – who knew how many hours before I had entered the room with my request. Had I interrupted him as he had silently sat there, perhaps mourning the death of Ukita? Had the very mention of Ukita's name brought about a sting of grief to Ryuzaki? Or a sting of frustration that he had failed to protect a member of his team from the invisible, murderous hand of Kira?

Whatever he had been feeling the night before, Ukita's death was not something that Ryuzaki had just brushed aside. His brief forlorn expression was proof enough of that.

Suddenly, my demand for a phone call seemed so insignificant compared to the blow that was dealt to Ryuzaki and the task force the night before. My frustration about a phone call was incomparable to the tragic death of Ukita and the distress and grief that the task force surely were experiencing. And, perhaps, Ryuzaki was experiencing, too?

_Is that why he's being so generous? Ukita's not coming back however much the task force wishes he could. Does Ryuzaki think that at least someone should get what they want tonight? Or does his generosity have something to do with that other comment I had made about birthdays with family and friends? Or both?_

My thoughts were interrupted as my mother answered the phone right before the answering machine cut in.

"Hello, Yagami residence."

"Hi, mom."

"Etsuko?" My mother's wistful voice echoed in my ear.

"Yes, mom. I'm just phoning you to...to wish you a happy birthday." I tried to sound cheerful for my mother's sake, but it felt forced.

"Oh, you didn't have to go to all that trouble to phone me up, dear," my mother absently remarked and I could picture her waving her hand dismissively. I knew, however, that she was secretly pleased that I had phoned.

"It's no trouble at all, mom. It's your birthday after all."

"Well, I suppose," my mother responded. She was trying to sound politely flippant, but I could hear the satisfaction in her voice.

"Are you doing anything with dad and Kaida tonight to celebrate?" I choked out, wishing more than ever that I could be with my family back home.

My mother ignored my question and asked in a clipped tone, "Is everything alright, Etsuko?"

I stared across the room at my bedroom door with weary eyes.

_Considering that I just found out that a member of the task force was murdered in cold blood and the other officers couldn't do anything about it and even Ryuzaki seems weirded out, then I have to say that I'm doing –_

"I'm fine, mom," I responded quickly, begging her not to pry, but knowing she wouldn't back down so easily.

"Are you sure?" My mother persisted. I could just picture her eyes hardening with worry.

"Yes, mom. It was just a long day of school, that's all." I drew my hand across my face and rested my head tiredly in the palm of my hand.

My mother was silent for a second and I knew that she knew that I wasn't being completely honest. But she dismissed it and carried on, her voice lifting and falling in that graceful way of hers.

"Well, I have far too much work to carry out tonight, but perhaps tomorrow night or during the weekend we will do something. Dine out perhaps if your father is up for it. If I could only get all this paperwork done in time then, but my employer is being-"

I continued to listen to her ramble gracefully on about her work, only half-listening. The image of Matsuda's sad eyes haunted my thoughts and even the memory of Ryuzaki's bugged out eyes when I had mentioned Ukita's name were in my mind. And then I thought of Ukita himself. I had barely known him and yet I could distinctly hear the gruff yet kind way he spoke his words and the way how his words became tender and wishful when he had talked about his girlfriend. I could see him in my mind's eye waiting for me on campus, leaning against the car door as he casually smoked a cigarette, probably one of the few moments he really had to himself since joining the Kira case.

And then I imagined him lying flat down on the cold pavement –

"Etsuko, are you listening, dear?"

I was jolted out of my thoughts by my mother's somewhat reprimanding tone. "Y-yes, mom. I just..."

My mother waited patiently for me to finish my sentence. She huffed softly after several seconds. "What, Etsuko?"

I closed my eyes and shook away the image of Ukita dead on the street. "I just wanted to...to tell you I love you, mom."

I could imagine my mother holding the phone away from her ear and giving it a strange look, a look of surprise.

After a second, she echoed the sentiment in a levelled, quiet voice. "I love you, too."

Our phone call lasted for only a few more minutes. As I hung up the phone, I became aware that the distance between me and the rest of my family felt larger than it had in a long time.

**...you know that's not the case when it's the birthday of a family member or a friend!**

As I began to change out of my jeans and into my sweatpants, the exchange between Ryuzaki and I the night before crept back into my head. The way his hand had hovered over the desserts after I had mentioned friends and family. The way he had not responded, but had looked puzzled for a brief second. Was it really possible that he couldn't relate at all to family or friends?

_The pain I feel with missing my family is so difficult to bear at times. But what must it be like to never have even known the feeling of being with family and friends?_

Again, that nagging, uncomfortable feeling of sympathy towards Ryuzaki snuck back into my thoughts. I desperately tried to rationalize it away.

_I can't feel sorry for him! I'm just speculating – it's not like I know that he doesn't have any family or anything. He must, I'm sure he must and I just misinterpreted his look. It was dark in the room after all with only the TV providing light. I mean, he suspects Light for crying out loud! I can't feel sorry for someone who suspects my cousin of being Kira!_

A sickening after thought popped into my head just then: _Someone who suspects my cousin of having killed Ukita._

I swallowed and banished the thought away and went about emptying my book bag, desperate to distract myself from such disturbing thoughts.

But as I organized my textbooks and notes, I discovered a new desire within me. A desire that I had never quite experienced before.

I wanted Kira caught. I wanted him to be brought to justice. Sure, I always thought that what he was doing was scary and dangerous and wrong. But now it had become personal. I hadn't really known Ukita, but I could now put a face to one of Kira's victims. All of a sudden, Kira's victims were not nameless, faceless numbers that flashed across the TV screen or newspaper headlines. They were real people, just like Ukita, who were ruthlessly being strangled by Kira's far reaching grip.

_This needs to stop. This can't continue to go on. _

Perhaps it was the sudden onset of such a desire that spurned me to write a quick note to Ryuzaki. Scrawled across a piece of loose leaf was just one simple sentence: **Thank you for the phone call.**

When Watari came to deliver my dinner, I handed him the note, which he promised he would give to Ryuzaki.

As I dug into my supper, I wondered to myself if I could dislike Ryuzaki and still feel a weird sort of sympathy for him. I reasoned though that I didn't have to like Ryuzaki in order to know that he was the only chance of Kira being caught.

**...**

I didn't have the television on the night Ukita was killed. I was too busy cramming for my exam the next day. However, I soon found out what had happened that night when I turned on the TV two days later.

News stations were flooded with the story: how Kira had forced Sakura TV to broadcast an announcement he had written for the world, how he had killed two news casters and two policemen live on TV, how Ukita had been killed when he had tried to stop the broadcast. Some of the news stations flashed the images of Ukita dead on the sidewalk in case viewers had missed the live broadcast days earlier. After seeing Ukita's dead body sprawled across the pavement, I had to turn off the TV. It was too upsetting.

I got the rest of the story from uncle. He explained that he had left the hospital without telling anyone and had single-handedly retrieved the tapes that Kira had planned to broadcast. With the help of the NPA, uncle was able to get out of the Sakura TV station safely with the tapes.

I could tell that uncle wasn't telling me everything, but I was fine with that; I was too scared to learn more details. Over the next several days I could tell that the task force were very hard at work in light of Kira's most recent stunt, and I continued with my routine of being purposely unaware of the goings on in the investigation.

That was until the night of my birthday. And even then, I wasn't interested in the details of the investigation, but who had joined the investigation.

I had just finished getting dressed for my birthday dinner, which would be held at my aunt's and uncle's house. My family were on their way to a debating tournament of my sister's and were able to stop mid way to their destination to celebrate with me. I was ecstatic to say the least.

As I entered the main sitting area to meet up with Uncle Soichiro to head off to dinner, I was shocked to see Light talking with Ryuzaki.

"Happy birthday, Etsuko."

I turned to the side to see Matsuda smiling down at me. I gripped the ends of my skirt and smiled timidly.

"Thanks, Matsuda." I turned my attention back to Light, who was still in a discussion with Ryuzaki across the room. He noticed me by the entrance and flashed a smile my way.

"Um, Matsuda, do you know why Light is here? And talking to Ryuzaki?"

Matsuda sounded surprised when he answered. "Your uncle didn't tell you? Ryuzaki has asked Light to join the Kira investigation."

"What?! Really?" My eyes drilled into Matsuda's, waiting for an explanation.

Matsuda nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Just yesterday he asked Light to join the team. Ryuzaki recognizes that Light could really help us out."

"So, does...does that mean that Ryuzaki doesn't suspect Light anymore?" I asked hopefully.

Matsuda sadly shook his head. "Unfortunately, Ryuzaki still considers Light a suspect, however small a suspicion it is." Matsuda perked up and spouted happily, "But now that Light is on the team, I'm sure he'll prove that he's innocent. I mean, everyone on the task force already thinks he is, so he just has to convince Ryuzaki."

_Ryuzaki may only be one person, but it's going to be like convincing a whole army of people instead of one individual._

I took Matsuda's words to heart though; with Light being a part of the investigation, he would have more of a chance to prove to Ryuzaki that he was innocent. And now he would get all of the information he wanted about the Kira case. I hoped that that meant he wasn't going to be upset with me anymore for denying his request to help him out.

As I gazed across the room at Light and Ryuzaki, both engrossed in whatever they were talking about, I realized that Light looked energetic and determined and...happy. Although he had never told me directly, I knew he wanted to be a part of the Kira investigation and work side by side with his dad on bringing Kira to justice. This was his chance to not only prove that he was innocent, but that he was a worthy addition to the team and would make a fine police officer one day.

And it was all thanks to Ryuzaki.

I struggled with the thought that Ryuzaki was the one responsible for Light's present happiness. Was I supposed to be grateful to Ryuzaki for letting Light join the team? Was it possible that I already did, deep down inside, feel a tad thankful for Ryuzaki's offer to Light?

_First sympathy, now gratitude...what the hell is happening here? I'm supposed to just hate him and that's that._

"Well, it looks like Etsuko's all ready and waiting for me. Thanks, Ryuzaki, for allowing my dad and I to have the night off to celebrate Etsuko's birthday," Light said over his shoulder as he threw his jacket on.

Ryuzaki murmured, "I realize it would look suspicious if you completely stopped attending family affairs. I expect there won't be any more interruptions in the near future though?"

"_Interruptions." He really doesn't understand the importance of being with family._

Light laughed good naturedly, "Ha ha, no, Ryuzaki. I plan on contributing to the investigation to the full extent that I'm capable."

"Yes," Ryuzaki muttered lowly, his eyes staring dully at my cousin.

"It's great to have you on the team, Light! I'm sure that I speak for Ryuzaki and everyone on the task force that you've already been a big help!" Matsuda praised Light, although he momentarily looked down at his shoes with a sad look, no doubt thinking about the recent absence of Ukita.

Light ignored Matsuda's sad expression and offered him a polite smile instead. "Thanks, Matsuda. It's been great working with the team so far."

Matsuda returned the smile and began lacing up his shoes. He was the task force member accompanying us that night. Light's smile vanished into a disgruntled frown which he quickly hid as he turned around to face Ryuzaki.

Light adopted a friendly, yet firm tone. "Ryuzaki, it really isn't necessary for Matsuda to be joining us, is it?"

I froze at the door as I slipped into my shoes and watched Light and Ryuzaki.

Light continued, "I mean, my dad is going to be there and Etsuko will be surrounded by family all night, it being her birthday and all. There really is no need for such an extensive amount of supervision in this case."

Before Ryuzaki could answer, I interrupted the conversation. "I'm fine with Matsuda coming, Light."

Light and Ryuzaki turned towards me and stared at me, as if just realizing that I was still in the room and listening to them decide who came to my own birthday dinner.

"In fact..." I avoided Matsuda's expectant gaze and looked down at my shoes bashfully. "...I want Matsuda to come. To celebrate with us."

Matsuda turned a pinkish red and looked off to the side, smiling. Uncle Soichiro gave me a puzzled frown and looked back and forth from Matsuda to me. Ryuzaki just dully stared at me before turning his attention to Light. And Light was trying to cover his annoyed frown, but failed as he continued to look at me with a somewhat perturbed expression.

I hated the silence and asked, "Is there anything wrong with that, Ryuzaki?"

Light opened his mouth to speak, but Ryuzaki cut him off, "No. Matsuda has contributed as much as I'm sure he's able to this evening."

"Thank you, Ryu-"

"What...what's that supposed to mean?" I angrily shot back at Ryuzaki, interrupting Matsuda.

"Goodnight, Miss Yagami." Ryuzaki effectively ended the conversation and turned to his chair and TV in order to ignore my glare that I was aiming his way.

"We better be off. Don't want to keep your aunt and parents waiting, Etsuko." Uncle Soichiro opened the door to the suite as we exited. Matsuda smiled his thanks at me as he exited the suite, but Light didn't look too happy. He gave me a questioning, miffed look. Was he upset with me inviting Matsuda to dinner? Shouldn't he be happy that I made a new friend? I couldn't figure out what his problem was.

I quickly forgot about Light's confusing expression as soon as we arrived at the house and my family showed up. I was bombarded with 'happy birthday's' and hugs and well wishes. I received many nice things, like books and clothes and a beautiful charm bracelet from Light. I didn't want the evening to end.

Towards the end of the evening, I sat down beside my dad on the couch. We didn't speak, but just silently enjoyed being in each other's presence.

My dad broke the silence after a few minutes. "So, how does it feel to be 21?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled at him, "The same as it did yesterday."

My dad smirked and seriously asked, "Did you have a nice time tonight?"

"Very much." I nudged his hand and added, "Especially since you, mom, and Kaida are here."

I looked across the living room at my mom, who had just hung up from a business call and was now talking to Aunt Sachiko. Kaida was standing up in the middle of the living room, waving her arms around in an exaggerated manner and speaking in a firm, confident way. She was rehearsing her points for her debating tournament in front of her assembled audience, which consisted of Sayu and Matsuda. Sayu had looked entertained for the first couple of seconds, but currently looked like she was daydreaming instead of listening to Kaida. Matsuda, however, was intently listening to my sister prattle on, his eyes shining with interest and his posture straight and alert. I smiled to myself as I watched him give my sister the attention she craved. Who knew if he actually was interested or not in what Kaida was saying, but he kindly lend his ear and attention to my little sister's ramblings.

It was sweet and I couldn't help but let my smile broaden.

"It appears we're not the only ones you're happy were able to make it," my dad's teasing voice broke my thoughts and I glanced over at him. He winked at me and nodded towards Matsuda. I blushed and swatted his hand in mock offense.

"What are you talking about?" I tried to control my voice from becoming too exasperated, slouched back into the couch cushions, and nervously looked over at Matsuda, afraid that he might have heard my dad.

My dad laughed and tousled my hair affectionately. Not wanting to embarrass me too much, he focused his attention on Light.

"Your cousin seems to be a lot more cheerful since the last time I saw him."

My eyes glanced over at Light, who was smiling and laughing at something that someone said. He had been laid back and in good spirits the whole evening.

"He appeared to be quite solemn and quiet last time we were here," my dad continued and I nodded in agreement.

Light certainly had become more cheerful and spirited. I could only contribute his change of mood to his joining the Kira investigation. And, once again, my thoughts wandered towards Ryuzaki and how he had been the source of that change.

And how he was currently sitting by himself in the dark, quiet hotel suite. All alone.

"Dad?"

My dad turned slightly and sat up more in his seat, hearing the seriousness in my voice. "Yes, Etsu?"

"When...when there's someone you don't like, someone who says and does things that bother you. Someone who does...bad things. Is it...is it alright if at times you...you feel for them?"

My dad gave me a questioning look, not quite sure what I was getting at. I quickly explained, "I don't mean you actually like them, but you somewhat tolerate them sometimes. Like, for example, feeling sorry for them or even feeling thankful for something they've done. Is it...is it alright if you feel that way, even though you're supposed to hate them?"

My dad's brow creased and he looked at me intently, trying to piece together what I was after. "Where's this coming from?"

"It's nothing. I'm just wondering what you think," I dismissively commented, waiting for his response.

My dad slowly exhaled and shrugged noncommittally. "Everyone does something to annoy us every once and awhile. It doesn't mean we don't like them or feel for them. I'm sure I've done things to annoy you at times-"

"That's not what I mean. I don't mean someone you're close to or are familiar with, just...someone who you know that you aren't supposed to like, but..."

My dad watched as I struggled for words and patted my hand to reassure me that he didn't need any more of an explanation. It was a trait of my father's that I always admired: refraining from prying too much and respecting how far I wanted to reveal my thoughts.

He settled back into his seat with a long sigh and stared off towards the front window, his face adorning a serious, thoughtful expression.

"You know, working as a police officer, specifically in the homicide unit, you see a lot of horrible things. You witness some of the worst things that human beings can do to one another. As a young police officer, I used hatred to motivate me to catch criminals. I didn't realize that using hatred like that can really burn you out. It can make you into a pretty bitter and pessimistic person."

I watched my dad as his expression briefly turned grim and sullen. I listened intently, never having heard him talk about his job in that type of detail.

"I didn't realize until much later on that not all criminals are painted with the same brush. Some truly repented of what they had done and others didn't. Some committed their crimes under very trying circumstances, whereas others had more than enough opportunity to walk away before committing their crime. And many criminals had families. Had spouses and children and even grandchildren. Some were not even that different from me in some ways."

My dad smiled a little and looked down at his hands reflectively. "It took me a long time before I realized that using hatred to fuel my desire for justice didn't work. Besides making me angry and unpleasant, it clouded me from seeing the humanity behind the criminals I caught. And it also clouded me from seeing the potential of repentance."

My dad's eyes roamed towards the newspaper lying on the coffee table. "That's why I can't endorse what Kira is doing. Although I can understand the fierce desire he has to bring about justice, he's completely blind to the fact that people who do bad things can repent and can change their lives. He completely strips the person of their humanity and opportunity."

The other voices in the room seemed to be muted as I listened to my dad's words. It was rare to see him so serious, but I could see that he was passionate about what he was saying. That he truly believed in his own words.

He suddenly perked up and turned to me. "So, I guess my advice, Etsu, is to not ignore or make excuses for the actions of this person. Fair punishment for bad deeds is part of justice, after all. And don't give in to hatred towards this person, because that can blind you from seeing the good aspects that they possess. Instead, perhaps try acknowledging this person's humanity and their potential. Even try giving them a second chance, if that's possible?"

My dad took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's impossible to feel only one extreme way towards a person, because people aren't extremes in themselves. It's alright to sometimes feel for someone who you don't exactly like."

My dad leaned back in his seat and let me digest his words. I appreciated his advice and did agree with what he was proposing. But if he only knew the type of person I was indirectly talking about. That the individual I was referring to was not your typical man or woman you passed on the street. That he did indeed seem to be quite the extreme.

"It sounds like you need a fair amount of trust in that person though," I softly murmured.

My dad nodded and smiled, "For sure. But you can't get anywhere with people if you don't lend them your trust."

His comment wasn't reassuring though. In contrast, it sparked something within me to bitingly respond, "Yeah, lending people your trust really works well, doesn't it?"

I flashed my dad a quick disapproving look. He held my gaze, his eyes sad and weary and hurt. But the hurt that flashed behind his eyes was not towards himself, but was a hurt he felt for me. I couldn't stand that look and shamefully looked away.

_How could I accuse him like that? _

My dad gripped my hand tightly and whispered, "You have to make your own decisions, Etsu. You have to figure out what works best for you and your relationships with people. I only offer what little I know and what has worked for me in the past. And, yes..." My dad caught my eye and smiled morosely. "...sometimes giving someone your trust doesn't always work out as you had planned."

We didn't speak after that, but just processed our thoughts in silence. I could tell from my dad's faraway expression that he had relapsed into the past and, as much as he tried, he couldn't shake off the memories that had come flooding back. I gripped his hand back, trying to show my support, but also trying to show him that I was stronger than he thought when it came to...that.

The evening ended happily, with my dad returning to his cheerful, upbeat self. My dad's words followed me back to the hotel though and replayed in my head on the drive back.

_Dad gave me more than I asked for. Sometimes feeling for someone you don't like is fine, but giving them a second chance or your trust? I don't think I can do that with Ryuzaki. And besides, there's no need for me to give him my trust. He's pretty much left me alone and I've done the same. _

I could only hope that it would stay that way.

Light had accompanied us back to the hotel, in order to catch up on some details of the case that he had missed while at dinner. He noticed as we rode up the elevator the small Tupperware container in my hand.

"What's that, Etsuko?"

I looked down at the container and smiled almost apologetically. "It's a piece of cake for...for Ryuzaki."

Light raised an eyebrow and snorted humorously. "Really?"

I meekly looked away and shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah. I just thought...well, he was all alone while we were out and I know he likes sweets and it's just...just something...nice to do."

Light didn't respond, but just continued staring at me with hard, stern eyes. He was not impressed with my decision. It was obvious in his stare and the way he remained icily silent for the remainder of the elevator ride.

I felt like taking him aside right there and then and telling him that I hadn't deserted him or switched sides or anything like that. I just wanted to do something nice for Ryuzaki and, after all, Light treated Ryuzaki decently and nicely, so why couldn't I?!

But I remained silent, acknowledging that I couldn't confront Light while Matsuda and Uncle Soichiro were present.

Ryuzaki responded to the piece of cake how I pictured he would react. He stared at it and then back at me with his dull gaze before sticking his finger in the icing to have a taste. As he licked his finger, he quietly commented, "This was definitely homemade."

The corners of my lips turned upwards in a small grin and I nodded, "Yes. My aunt's recipe."

Without looking at me or voicing his thanks, he silently gathered the Tupperware container in his lap and continued dipping his finger in the icing while overlooking case notes at the coffee table. I supposed his enjoyment with the cake was his expression of thanks.

Matsuda, Uncle Soichiro, and Light had joined the rest of the task force with looking over notes. I headed off to my room, but was stopped by Ryuzaki's murmuring voice.

"Happy...birthday, Miss Yagami."

I looked behind me and saw Ryuzaki still facing his notes, munching on his cake. I smiled to myself. It was refreshing to have a conflict-free moment with Ryuzaki, however small it was.

As my sight fell upon Light briefly, a deep-seeded dread fell upon me though. Light stared at me across the room with that same stern, hard look. I quickly fled the room, not being able to bear his disappointed glare.

_How could he be so upset with me giving a piece of cake to Ryuzaki?_

I already knew the answer though: He wanted me to be on his side. In all words and actions. In all things.

I realized with a nauseous feeling in my stomach, that the degree of dedication and devotion that Light expected of me did not feel right. It felt like I was on a one-way road; he expected me to follow only his lead without letting me head in any other direction. And that just didn't feel...right.

I tried to dismiss it, but the hazy feeling of fear that I had felt when he had stared back at me with those dark eyes of his remained, unable and unwilling to melt away with my thoughts into my unconscious.

**...**

**A/N: Always welcome feedback! Thanks for reading!**


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: I think this is the fastest I've ever updated (thank the end of school for that). Anyways, hope you enjoy and I'll try to update speedily once more!**

Chapter 13

"_Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up." – Veronica Roth_

**...**

Weeks passed by, hotel rooms began to all look the same, and the task force worked furiously.

And a long period of uneasiness commenced.

Perhaps it was that fleeting moment when Light had flashed me that stern, disappointed look after I had given Ryuzaki that piece of cake. Perhaps that was the moment the nervousness began.

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment or day when I began to feel somewhat restless around Light. A feeling of being on edge, of not feeling at ease. It was the way his mouth twitched with a quick show of annoyance, or the way his figure seemed to loom over you when he was talking. Or the way his eyes flashed with unspoken demands and frustrations.

As successful as I was during the day in ignoring the disquieting way I felt towards my cousin, that unease would creep stealthily to the forefront of my mind in the quiet, still hours of the night. I would fall asleep wondering and worrying about my cousin and how he was slowly becoming unfamiliar to me.

Sometimes I wondered if I was just making it all up and that Light was really no different than he had been months ago. It was difficult to really determine, since I barely ever saw him. He was almost always at the hotels now, since he was a member of the Kira investigation. And yet, he barely ever poked his head in to say 'hello' or to ask how I was doing. I rationalized that he was very busy with the case and that he didn't have the time to spend with me. Furthermore, I comforted myself by reasoning that Ryuzaki must trust Light if he was allowing my cousin to be so involved with the Kira case. If Ryuzaki trusted Light, then surely his suspicions of Light were decreasing. The more time Light spent with the task force, the more opportunity Ryuzaki had to realize that Light was innocent. It was a bittersweet rationalization that I fed myself constantly to cope with my loneliness and worries.

That's not to say that I never interacted with anyone. Now that Matsuda and I were on good terms again, he would occasionally pop into my room for a game of cards when he was done for the night. And sometimes the pack of cards was never opened and we just sat around talking. I looked forward all day to his knock on my door; he brought smiles and laugher and a sense of reassurance that things were going to be okay. And if I wondered if he ever benefited or enjoyed spending time with me, all I had to do was notice how he entered my room with stiff, tense shoulders and would leave relaxed and calm. I think his visits away from the task force helped him to wind down, just as much as it helped me to feel a weird sense of normalcy that I hadn't really experienced since my confinement had begun.

Towards the middle of May however, even Matsuda's visits became rare. The task force had struck a lead of some kind apparently and were busier than ever. Matsuda's duty was to the case first and he would usually work well into the wee hours of the night and would finally retire long after I had gone to bed. As much as I respected his dedication and commitment, I would scowl to myself and to my hotel room as a whole that the Kira case was still going on. When would it ever end and when would things go back to normal?

My feelings of gloom added to my unease. It was an especially difficult time in my confinement.

As much as I tried to hide my melancholy mood from everyone else, sometimes I couldn't hide it well enough.

We were moving to a new hotel one day and Light was helping me carry my luggage into my new room. I gladly took him up on his offer to help; it was a chance to catch up after several days of not seeing him.

Light plunked my suitcase down in the middle of the room. "There you go." He scanned the room and cheerfully commented, "Quite the luxurious room, huh, Etsuko?"

They had all been luxurious rooms in the most high-end hotels in Tokyo. But they were all inadequate compared to my bedroom back home.

I hid my scorn by adorning a pleasant smile and responded, "Yes, very nice."

Light was silent for a second as I began to unpack my suitcase. After a few seconds he softly said, "You're not happy, are you?"

His words were phrased more like a statement than a question. Nothing seemed to get by him; he was an expert at reading people.

I sighed tiredly and answered slowly, refraining from looking at him as I folded some sweaters and put them in the dresser. "I just...I guess I'm just lonely is all. I'm used to seeing you more, but now you're busy with the Kira case. I understand."

"Matsuda visits you once and awhile, doesn't he?" Light offered, his tone of voice hardening a little; I still couldn't figure out why he wasn't too keen with me befriending Matsuda. Perhaps he thought Matsuda was taking his place?

_If that's the case, then maybe try sticking your head in my room every once and awhile just to say 'hi' at least –_

"Yes, but he's busy, too. It's fine, Light, I understand and it really isn't a problem."

I was doing a pretty shitty job of covering up my gloomy mood, but I was, well, kind of angry at Light. He stood there stating that I was not happy but he didn't do anything to change how I was feeling.

That's when I decided to try something. A little experiment, I guess you could say. I had never apologized or spoken to Light about disappointing him that day at the cafe. For all I knew, he may have believed that I wasn't willing to help him out ever again. Perhaps if I said something, he would be more helpful, more willing to care.

"Well, I don't know what to say, Etsuko. It's tough, but there's not much I can do," Light shrugged his shoulders and adopted a somewhat apologetic look on his face. However, it came across as looking more tiresome than apologetic.

He turned to leave the room, when I blurted out, my words commencing my experiment, "Light, can you wait a second?"

Light turned back to me and patiently waited for me to speak, curiosity displayed openly on his face. I put on the most apologetic face I could conjure up: My eyebrows furrowed extensively, my mouth pouted into a remorseful frown, and my shoulders slumped into a submissive posture. I even tried to well up some tears to make my eyes look watery.

"Light, I've been meaning to say this to you for a long time now." I breathed in and exhaled shakily, pretending to appear nervous.

"I'm sorry for not being very agreeable with you that day at the cafe. I wasn't thinking and wasn't considering your feelings," I explained, my voice wavering with remorse and shame.

I could tell that Light knew what I was referring to by the way his eyes lit up and his mouth twitched slightly.

I concluded by dramatically holding my hands out and imploringly saying, "I'm sorry for that and will be more agreeable in the future. I promise."

Light understood what I was really saying: That I was sorry for not going through with his request to get information on the Kira case and that I was willing to do whatever he asked of me in the future.

What Light didn't know was that I wasn't really being genuine and was testing him out. I really wasn't sorry that I had denied his request; it had been a dangerous and impossible thing for him to ask of me. Although I wasn't too happy about deceiving him with my performance of the remorseful, submissive cousin, I had to know if he was going to react the way I presumed he was going to act after my fake apology.

Light approached me and tenderly placed his hands on my shoulders. He smiled and gazed down at me with pleased, satisfied eyes.

His voice was soft and warm when he spoke. "Apology accepted. Thank you, Etsu. You don't know how happy that makes me to hear you say that."

"Mm-hmm." I nodded and smiled tentatively at him. It bothered and surprised me that even when Light was acting supportive, he made me feel nervous. It was as if he wasn't simply forgiving me as his equal, but was pardoning me as one pardons a once wayward follower who has returned to obey his master's ways.

_How could I possibly think that about Light though?_

Light's eyes lit up and his smile broadened. He stepped away from me and exclaimed, "I think I know how to help you out."

"O-oh?" I asked, relieved that he had stepped back and given me some space; his presence had felt overwhelming and domineering.

"Yes. I'll have to check with Ryuzaki if it's okay, but I'm sure it won't be an issue. I'll be right back!" Light dashed out of the room and left me standing there to reflect on the results of my test.

Sure enough, Light had taken the bait. Before my apology and resignation to Light, he had not been interested in helping me find a solution to my loneliness. In fact, he had seemed rather tired and bored with the conversation. But as soon as I had apologized and let Light know that I was willing to do what he wanted, he had changed considerably. He had become gentle and kind-hearted and was eager to help me out.

The amount of shame that I felt for having tested my cousin was miniscule compared to my disappointment in Light. He appeared only ready to support and assist me when I submitted to him.

_This is crazy! Surely I'm just making all of this up. Light doesn't think that way. He just can't!_

Light returned speedily with happy news.

"Ryuzaki is alright with you coming with Matsuda and I to Aoyama tomorrow. I can't tell you exactly why we have to go there tomorrow, as it's part of the investigation. Either way, it'll be a nice way to spend the afternoon tomorrow."

"Oh, th-thank you, Light. That's...that's nice of you and Ryuzaki to let me come."

I really was looking forward to spending the afternoon with Light and Matsuda the next day. Anything to break away from the stuffy rooms and imprisoning walls of the hotel. And, hopefully, I would get the chance to really get to talk to him about my...concerns.

The next day came quickly and I met up with Matsuda and Light in the main sitting area of the suite. It was kind of weird to see Matsuda out of his typical tie and suit attire and dressed in casual clothes, but I couldn't complain. It was nice to see him in something less formal.

_That jacket of his really compliments his broad shoulders –_

I internally shook myself before I started blushing and joined the two of them as we headed down to the hotel lobby. The subway ride to Aoyama was enjoyable as Matsuda and I caught up with one another. We tried to include Light in the conversation, but it was hard when Matsuda and I had our own inside jokes and stories that Light was unaware of. We moulded our conversation to more fully include Light, believing we would have more than enough time during the afternoon to talk.

However, as we reached one of the main walkways in the shopping district, Matsuda and I were surprised to find a group of about six or seven young adults waiting for us. Judging by Light's polite smile and constant eye contact with them, he was familiar with who they were. They chatted and tittered among themselves and barely paid any attention to Matsuda and I, but focused solely on Light.

Matsuda coughed faintly and tentatively interrupted their chatter, "Uh, excuse me, Light? So, what's going on here?"

Light turned back to us and replied, "Oh, these are some of my friends from school."

I smiled to myself. It shouldn't have surprised me that Light's popularity had passed with him from high school to university. The way the students looked at him expectantly and eagerly proved how wrapped around Light's finger they were.

Matsuda and I both bowed politely. Matsuda shyly added, "Nice to meet you."

Light continued on by introducing us. "This is my cousin Taro and my cousin Etsuko. It's their first time ever in Tokyo and they both want to see Aoyama and Roppongi, so I figured the least we could do is show them a good time. I'm counting on you guys."

I went along with Light's explanation, believing that the investigation called for some reason as to why Matsuda and I were with Light. As I glanced over at Matsuda's baffled expression, it seemed he hadn't been expecting a group of students to join us for the afternoon. I couldn't say that I was too happy with the arrangement as well, since I had been hoping for the afternoon with just Matsuda and Light.

Light chuckled to himself and motioned towards Matsuda, "Oh, yeah. He's also told me that he's looking for a girlfriend, so does anyone want to volunteer?"

The group of students laughed, but Matsuda became flustered and waved his hands frantically, "Hey! I never said that!"

Matsuda's eyes flashed quickly to me before he turned away with a blush on his cheeks. I looked awkwardly away towards a park bench and tried to laugh along with the students, but the laughter wouldn't come to my throat. I snuck a glance at Light and saw by his broad smirk that he thought he was very amusing. I thought otherwise.

Matsuda leaned over and whispered in my ear as we began to head off to the shops, "I-I'm not looking for a girlfriend."

I replied back in a similar flustered tone of voice, "M-me neither. I-I mean, I'm not looking for a boyfriend!"

Matsuda laughed and I joined in, trying to extinguish the awkward moment with laughter.

It was a beautiful day and Aoyama was packed with teenagers and young adults. Many of the shops set up their clothes racks and stalls on the sidewalks and every single cafes' patio was filled with people. We crisscrossed in between busy shoppers and people waiting in line for a spot at the restaurants. Always the leader, Light headed the group of students, while Matsuda and I remained at the back of the group. Most of the students were too busy vying for Light's attention or were too busy in their own conversations to bother Matsuda and I.

"Man, things have really changed since the last time I was here. It's a lot busier than it used to be," Matsuda casually remarked as he glanced through the display windows.

"Yeah," I replied.

"When's the last time you here?"

"When I moved to Tokyo for school. Light and his parents and sister took me here for some shopping. To show me around." I smiled as I remembered the fond memory.

Matsuda looked surprised. "Really? You haven't been back since with friends? Aoyama is where all the young adults hang out."

Matsuda realized that his words had a negative impact on me instantly. I cringed and hunched my shoulders inwards. I shook my head and ignored his inquiring gaze. I was embarrassed.

_I've never really had the friends to hang out with –_

"I just find Aoyama really crowded and busy and-"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right, it can be! I mean, you have to wait a long time in lines for restaurants and the shops are always pretty crowded-"

"I'm sure it can be really fun and exciting and all but -"

"Yeah, it can be."

Silence suddenly surrounded us as we trailed behind everyone else. I watched the different people that we passed by. There were similar groups to the one we were in; laughing and chattering university students. There were also numerous couples window shopping and lounging around the squares. I watched with an envy I did not know I possessed as they walked with their hands interlocked, occasionally flashing each other smiles that were only intended for their significant other. I wondered what it would feel like to be that close with someone else...

"We should come back here another time when it's less busy. Just the...just the two of us."

I blinked and turned towards Matsuda. He was staring straight ahead with a serious, determined expression on his face. He nervously glanced over at me and then quickly looked away. I watched as a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. I opened my mouth and closed it, not being able to find words to speak.

"Uh, um-"

"I mean, because I thought I could show you how Aoyama can be fun and, of course, I would have to ask Ryuzaki and, and – if you don't want to then-"

"That would, that would be fun." I cut Matsuda off, having a hard time looking at him.

A beat of silence and then Matsuda spouted, "R-really?!"

I smiled shyly and nodded, still not being able to look him in the eye. "Y-yeah, I would really-"

"Hey, Taro, I think I have someone who's volunteering to be your girlfriend!"

Matsuda and I both looked straight ahead at Light who had called out. He was pointing to one of the female students who was trying to stifle her giggles with her hand.

"Asuka here is willing to give you a chance!" Light laughed and the student named Asuka scrambled past the other students towards Matsuda. I could sense Matsuda's discomfort by the way his face scrunched up in embarrassment and his shoulders grew tense. Asuka grabbed onto Matsuda's arm and flashed him a brilliant, toothy smile. Matsuda almost toppled backwards as Asuka squeezed in close to him.

"Uh, hi?" Matsuda sputtered out as he awkwardly looked down at the blushing girl.

"Hey, Etsuko! Could you come here? There's something I want to tell you!" Light called back at me and waved me over to the front of the group. I looked over at Matsuda who was having his ear talked off by Asuka. He tripped and fumbled as Asuka tugged on his arm and awkwardly muttered replies to this girl who had suddenly latched onto him. I didn't want to leave Matsuda, as he clearly was uncomfortable with the whole arrangement, but Light was incessant with his waving me over and I grudgingly walked over to him.

"What did you want to tell me?" I hurriedly asked, wanting to get back to Matsuda.

"Nothing," Light simply responded, looking ahead. "I just wanted to get rid of that girl. She was talking incessantly and was driving me crazy."

I marvelled at how Light could trick Asuka so easily by cheering her on, when really he just wanted to be away from her. I frowned and grumbled, "So you sent her over to Matsuda instead?"

Light shrugged. "You should be happy. I called you over here to escape her relentless chattering. Matsuda can handle her and I wanted to spend some time with you as well, you know." Light sounded bored with our conversation and focused his attention on gazing at the different shops. I sighed and continued walking beside him, deciding to go along with what he wanted for awhile.

Contrary to what he had said, Light didn't seem too interested in talking with me. He was silent for most of the time we were walking around, occupying his time with closely studying the different shops and cafes. It appeared his eyes were peeled for something or someone to approach him or do something. He ignored my efforts at conversation. I shrugged off his silence and inspection of the shops as part of his role in the investigation that he and Matsuda were supposed to be carrying out.

As we neared one busy section of the district, Light muttered under his breath, "You look like you could use a break from walking around, Etsuko."

I frowned, a little confused. I thought I had been keeping up with everyone else just fine; I wasn't tired.

I told Light just as much. "No, I'm okay."

Light's lips twitched and he gazed at me out of the corner of his eye. I shrank back a little, seeing the annoyance flash in his eyes.

"Are you sure, Etsuko? You look like you could really benefit from a break. Perhaps sit down at one of the cafes for a drink?" Light persisted, his concerned tone disguising the order that he was aiming towards me. He wanted us to stop and take a break, for whatever reason.

It was my chance to show Light that I was willing to follow his lead. I sighed and nodded. "Fine. I guess I could do with a short break."

Light's annoyance was banished away from his eyes and he smiled. "How about this cafe then?"

The group of us found two patio tables to sit at and settled down for a break. It was one of the busiest sections of Aoyama, with some of the largest shops and the popular Note Blue Club. Light's friends seemed alright with sitting down and were eager to get some drinks.

I had just sat down and stretched my feet (which actually were a bit sore from walking around so much), when Light leaned across the table and asked, "Etsuko, do you think you could get the drink orders?"

I blinked and turned to look at everyone in the group, as if just noticing that there were quite a few of us. There were ten of us in total.

I asked with a tad of disbelief in my voice, "You want me to order the drinks for everyone?"

Light leaned back in his seat and rested his hands behind his head. He smiled and laughed softly. "That's what I said."

My shoulders slumped and I continued staring at Light in doubt of what he had just asked me to do. I quickly stood up then and began asking each student what they wanted to drink. If I had stayed a second longer looking at Light's self-confident smile, I would have snapped.

_What am I – the waitress?_

Matsuda offered to stand in line with me to place the drink order, but Asuka had his arm in a tight grasp and wouldn't let him get up from the table. I told Matsuda that I was okay getting the drinks by myself and made my way inside the cafe. There was a long line to place orders, but I welcomed the air-conditioned cafe and being alone for a bit.

The loneliness that I had been experiencing for the past weeks returned full force. I had thought it would have been gone for the afternoon, but instead it weighed heavy on my shoulders. As I waited in line, I would occasionally glance out of the cafe window at the tables we occupied. I felt annoyed as I watched the students laugh and relax outside. I felt jealous as I watched Asuka lean in closer to Matsuda, even though Matsuda would then lean further away. And I felt a smoldering anger when I looked at Light and how he was contentedly watching the people go by on the sidewalks.

_Light didn't want me here to spend time with him, even after I apologized to him. He just wants me here for the same reason as when we were at the cafe months ago: To do something for him._

As hard as I tried, I couldn't dispel the resentment I felt towards him. And that worried me. I had never felt such bitterness towards my cousin before.

When I finally received all ten drinks, which required me making two trips back to the counter in order to retrieve them all, I didn't want to speak with anyone and sat quietly at the table sipping at my drink. Everyone was content with leaving me alone.

After about half an hour sitting on the patio, one of the girls was restless to check out a specific shop across the street. She hesitantly approached Light and asked if he wanted to go look at the shop with her. It was obvious she had a crush on my cousin with the way she couldn't look him directly in the eye, blushed, and fumbled on her words (it wasn't until later on when I realized I did the same when I was around Matsuda).

Light was clearly not interested in her by the way he dully stared at her and fidgeted impatiently in his seat when she fumbled on her words. As soon as she was done speaking, Light turned to me and matter-of-factly stated, "Etsuko would love to check out that store."

I struggled with planting a smile on my face and nodded. I felt too defeated to disagree and stood up to go with the girl to the shop. She wasn't too pleased that Light had refused her offer and grudgingly led me over to the shop across the street. I wasn't too keen on following after her, but kept my discontent hidden with my fake, pleasant smile.

_Off I go again, giving in to Light's command. Ever the dutiful cousin. _

My bitterness must have come across my face at some point, because the girl didn't really want to be around me, but shopped by herself as I tried not to scowl at my reflection in the display window.

At Light's suggestion, we left the patio shortly after the Note Blue Club opened, since the square got even busier after that. We walked around for the rest of the afternoon and finally departed from the group of students early evening.

Asuka didn't seem too intent on leaving Matsuda behind and I watched jealously as she pulled a piece of paper from her purse and began scribbling her phone number on it for Matsuda to keep. I may have been meek and submissive to Light all afternoon, but that was the last straw.

I swiftly approached Matsuda and Asuka and grabbed Matsuda's jacket sleeve and tugged him away.

"Come on, Taro, we have to get going. Don't want to miss the express train," I hurriedly explained as I continued to pull Matsuda away from Asuka's prying fingers.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Bye, Asuka! It was, uh, nice meeting you," Matsuda called over his shoulder to Asuka, who had already turned her back on Matsuda and had stamped away to her friends. I couldn't help but let a small smile tug at my lips at how kind and polite Matsuda was to Asuka, even though she had clung to him all afternoon.

As soon as we were out of the students' view, I let go of Matsuda's sleeve. Matsuda leaned down and whispered in my ear with appreciation, "Thanks, Etsuko, for getting me out of that awkward situation. She was going to give me her phone number."

"Yeah, I saw." I turned slightly away to cover my sly, satisfied smile.

_Mission has been accomplished._

My momentary satisfaction quickly evaporated as we began the long subway ride back to the hotel. Light had been silent for most of the afternoon, but now his silence had taken on another dimension. He appeared to be thinking deeply and his eyes rapidly moved back and forth as he processed and reviewed his thoughts. He moodily stared straight ahead and ignored any efforts from Matsuda or I to talk. My resentment towards him returned.

_He invited me to Aoyama this afternoon, but what was the point? He barely even spoke to me. It wasn't a very enjoyable afternoon. It was quite the opposite._

When we arrived at the hotel suite, Ryuzaki was waiting for us by the door. He obviously couldn't start talking to Matsuda and Light about the investigation in front of me and continued to silently watch me as I unlaced my shoes. As I struggled with getting a knot unlaced, he leaned towards me and asked, "Did you have a nice time?"

I scowled to myself as I finally got the knot unlaced. I lied as I hurriedly walked past Ryuzaki, "Yes, very nice time."

I could feel his inquiring eyes on my back as I rushed towards my bedroom, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be around anyone and just wanted to stew in my room over the disappointing afternoon excursion.

After about only five minutes of sitting on my bed, miserably dwelling in my bitterness and disappointment, someone knocked softly on my door. Expecting it to be Matsuda, I brightened up a bit and rushed to the door.

"Matsu-"

I abruptly cut myself off as I opened up the door to see that it was not Matsuda, but Light who stood facing me.

He held up my purse and said, "You forgot this by the door."

I quickly smiled in thanks and took my purse from him. Not having anything to say to him (or not being brave enough to say anything to him), I began to close the door. Light's hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. I gasped softly and winced as the charm bracelet he had gotten me for my birthday dug into my skin.

Light spoke softly and gently, "I know you aren't happy that you couldn't spend a lot of time with me today, Etsu."

My eyes widened and I looked into Light's eyes to see if he was being genuine.

_Really?! You think that's the reason I'm so unhappy? How about the fact that you didn't want to talk to me and made me behave like your servan—_

"And I promise to make it up to you. In a few days, I promise I will," Light concluded and continued looking me seriously in the eye.

And that's when I realized that he did know why I was upset. He knew that I wasn't too impressed about being told to get drink orders and abandoning Matsuda to Asuka. He knew that I wasn't happy with him. And he was serious about making it up. I could tell by his unwavering, dedicated look that he aimed at me.

My bitterness resided a little bit and I silently acknowledged his "apology" by nodding. I even added a small smile to the mix in order to reassure him that I had accepted his words. Light squeezed my wrist encouragingly and then left.

I walked over to the window and gazed down at the downtown streets. The evening lights were just beginning to sparkle in the deepening darkness of twilight. As I lifted my gaze to the horizon that was increasingly becoming darker, I wondered to myself if Light's promise was a genuine apology to make things up to me. Or if he had realized that afternoon that I wasn't as keen and eager to do his will as I once was, and that he needed to win over my willingness by doing something for me.

I hoped with all my heart that it was the first option.

**...**

It was purely accidental. There was a very good chance that I wouldn't have seen it for myself. Wouldn't have stumbled upon it so easily.

But I did.

A few days later, I woke up as usual to the blaring of my alarm clock. As I pulled the heavy drapes aside, I was welcomed by storm clouds rolling towards the city. Sighing to myself, I flicked on the television to get the forecast.

_Maybe the rain will pass us by..._

I listened to the buzz of the weather forecast as I rummaged through my dresser. The forecaster mumbled on about how it would be a cloudy day, no rain. The news came on directly afterwards, which I only half-listened to as I got ready for school.

"**...thank you, Akiyama, for that update. Now we go to our breaking news story. More criminal deaths that are suspected to be the work of Kira..."**

I clicked my tongue in disapproval and sighed as the news caster rambled off the names of the criminals who had become the victims of Kira.

"**...and Fucho prison inmate, Kawaguchi Hideto..."**

I choked on my breath. My eyes became glued to the television screen as the news caster continued. The news cast had my full attention suddenly.

"**...was found dead this morning in his prison cell. The prison physician believes that he died in his sleep last night from a heart attack. Kawaguchi was convicted back in 1993 for–"**

I hastily turned the TV off before the news caster could say anymore. My hands shook as I placed the remote control back on the table. I held my hands tightly to my chest and stood rooted to the carpet, not being able to move. I shakily breathed out, feeling nauseous and shivery. Images and feelings from the past flooded over me, drowning me.

Outside my window, the first few raindrops fell.

I suddenly became aware of the time and numbly finished getting ready for school. As I reached my bedroom door, I realized I needed to speak with Ryuzaki. That I needed to ask him something.

Matsuda was waiting happily for me by the door to drive me to school, but I walked right past him and approached Ryuzaki. He barely paid me any attention as he munched on his sweets and overlooked some case notes.

"Ryuzaki, I need to make a phone call after school today."

Ryuzaki grumbled without taking his eyes off the notes, "Again, Miss Yagami?"

"Yes, sorry, but it's really important. I really need to make it." I spoke with little emotion. My voice quivered with unbridled urgency, but it was void of any feeling. I felt numb and stunned.

Ryuzaki mumbled around the food in his mouth, "And what's so, mph, important about this phone call? Another birthday?"

"No. It's my...my father. He's been ill lately and I wanted to phone to see how he was doing. Please, Ryuzaki." A hint of desperation entered my voice, which I quickly reined into control.

Ryuzaki finally looked at me and stared at me for a good long time. I could feel him studying me, inspecting me. He searched my eyes, trying to uncover the reason why I was so edgy. He placed his thumb in his mouth and craned his neck further towards me, as if he was trying to get a better look at me. As if he thought he could get closer to the truth by leaning in closer to where I was standing.

He finally leaned backwards and his eyelids slightly closed over his bulging eyes. Without saying anything, I felt that he had come to some sort of conclusion.

"Very well, Miss Yagami."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Ryu-"

"But I want a word with you later on this evening, if you do not mind."

It didn't matter or not if I minded. If Ryuzaki wanted to have a word with me, it would happen whether I liked it or not. And at that moment, I could care less.

"Fine," I quickly said and left Ryuzaki's probing look behind as Matsuda and I left the suite.

The day was a blur of lectures and walking to and from different university buildings. My eyes were glued to my watch for the majority of the day as I impatiently counted down the hours before I could get back to the hotel and make my phone call.

When I arrived back at the hotel, Light appeared to have been waiting for me and approached me as soon as I got through the door. He looked eager to talk to me.

"Etsuko, I have a bit of extra time this evening to help you out with your homework if you'd like."

I nodded slowly, understanding that this was what he meant when he said he wanted to make it up to me regarding the botched afternoon to Aoyama. However, the last thing I had on my mind was homework.

"Uh, well, I don't really have much homework to get done for tonight, Light. Uh, but thank you."

Light nodded understandably. He softly muttered, quiet enough so that Ryuzaki and the rest of the task force couldn't hear. "Did you see the news this morning?"

I stiffened and nodded quickly. I answered back in a clipped, tense tone. "Yes."

Light smiled a sad, understanding type of smile and rested his hand on my shoulder. "I understand. You've got other things on your mind."

"Yes, exactly." I breathed a sigh of relief that he was being understanding and wasn't taking my refusal as a rude rejection of his help. I didn't want him to be mad at me.

_It would scare me if he was mad at me..._

I thanked Light again, really just wanting to get to my phone call. Ryuzaki stepped in by commenting from across the room.

"Miss Yagami, I thought you had a phone call to make?"

"Yes, I'm going now." I departed from the main sitting area and had to refrain from sprinting down the hall to my room. As soon as I shrugged off my book bag, I plunked myself down on my bed and reached for the phone. My fingers furiously punched in the phone number and my whole body quivered as I listened to the phone ringing on the other end.

Finally, after what felt like several minutes, my dad picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Dad?" I sputtered out, all of the emotion that had been missing all day suddenly coming forth in that one word. My voice shook with a flurry of emotions that I struggled to keep in check.

"Etsuko? What's wrong?" My dad sounded worried and concerned.

"Dad, did you...did you see the news this morning?" I choked out, both dreading and eager to hear my dad's response.

My dad was silent on the other end, a silence that answered my question immediately. When he spoke again, his voice was heavy with emotional strain.

"Yes. I saw the news." He sounded ten years older by the exhaustion that clouded his voice and I could imagine his shoulders slumping forward.

He instantly asked afterwards, his voice high with worry and concern once more, "How are you doing? Are you alright?"

I let out a sigh rich with disbelief; I couldn't believe he was asking _me _that!

"Dad, how are _you_ feeling?! I can't imagine, I can't-"

"Etsuko, dear, I'm okay. It...it did come as quite the shock, but really...it was only a matter of time before Kira killed him."

I remained silent, listening to my dad's soft breathing on the other end of the line. I imagined myself back home in Tottori City, sitting with my dad in the living room instead of being all the way in Tokyo.

"Etsu, do you want to talk about it?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I realized that my dad couldn't see my gesture and firmly said, "No." I paused and brushed my hair out of my face. "I thought I wanted to, but now, well. Dad, I'm just..."

I wanted to tell him, but I knew he wouldn't feel the same way as me. I knew that he had already given his forgiveness a long time ago.

"Never mind," I sighed out and kept the thought to myself. It kept the unpleasant memories company as my conversation with my dad came to an end.

**...**

_It was the summer of 1992. An unusually hot summer with no relieving breezes or cool spells of rain. It was the summer Sayu was born and I remembered comparing my own baby sister to my new cousin, trying to determine which one was cuter. It was the summer when I developed a terrible case of sun stroke from playing on the hot pavement in front of our house for too long. And it was the summer when my whole world came crashing down. _

_I remember one particular day during that first week of August when it had all occurred. I had been sitting glumly on my swing, still and silent, in our backyard. Aunt Sachiko had been the only adult in the house. Uncle Soichiro and my mom were both at the hospital. Aunt Sachiko had been somewhere in the house tending to a two-month year old Sayu. As far as I remember, Kaida, who had just turned one in July, was with my mom. Light had been strolling around the yard, absently looking at my mom's prized flower beds while dragging a stick behind him in the dirt. _

_Aunt Sachiko had made me a sandwich for lunch about an hour ago, but it had lain untouched on the plate beside the swing set. I hadn't had an appetite that whole week. The smell of my aunt's favorite tea that she brew every morning and afternoon had been enough to make me nauseous. I had tried to pick at my food during meals in order to avoid the concerned, nervous looks that every adult had been aiming my way. I would shudder to think of my mother's worried looks that seemed to be permanently fixed on her face. _

_I remember Light had ambled over to me, in that particular tottering, sideways walk that toddlers did. He had been relatively quiet as a three year old, but even at that age he had spoken with bigger words than others his age. He had crouched down to peer underneath my messy hair which shrouded my face from the sunlight. I limply hung onto the swing, almost doubled over as if I just wanted to drop face-first down into the dirt. _

_Light had wetted his lips and mumbled, "Why won't you be happy?" He couldn't figure out why his usually cheerful playmate had been miserable and distressingly silent for days. _

_I had continued to stare at the dirt and had muttered with a bitter determination that I hadn't thought I could muster at the age of six, "I refuse to be happy. There's nothing to be happy about. So there."_

_Light had stared at me in unabashed wonder until I couldn't stand his unrestrained gaze and angrily and abruptly stood up from the swing. He had stumbled a bit backwards at my sudden departure from the swing set and had ambled back over to the garden to draw pictures in the mud. _

_I had felt annoyed that the adults hadn't been telling me everything and Light didn't know anything. I had felt very much alone._

_As I had entered the house, pouting the whole time as I had struggled with taking off my sandals, I could hear the TV in the next room. I had peered around the corner and saw my aunt sitting on the couch, cradling and rocking Sayu. The television had been broadcasting the news. _

_That's when I saw_ his_ face._

_I had recognized the name spoken by the adults and it had been featured in the newspapers that I would occasionally glimpse at. As I stood there, his name had flashed across the TV screen, along with his mug shot. His eyes had been hard and unfeeling in the picture, his hair messy and greasy, his shoulders hunched over indifferently. And his lips had been slightly turned up into a smug, non-caring smirk. _

_And I had snapped. My hatred and terror and distress overwhelmed me and I began to take shallow, quick breaths. My shoulders rose up and down as I tried to control the impending outburst. But it had been too much seeing his smug face broadcasted on the TV. My hand had spontaneously taken on a life of its own and whipped backwards and to the side, effectively toppling over a vase which shattered to the ground. _

_Aunt Sachiko had let out a surprised scream and had turned around to look behind her. She rested her hand on her chest and had let out a sigh of relief when she saw that it had just been me. Sayu had started to cry and howl. Aunt Sachiko continued to rock Sayu as she had rushed over to me. She crouched down to my level and placed one hand on my shoulder. _

"_What is it, Etsuko? It's okay, it's okay," my aunt had tried to soothingly tell me, but I would not be convinced and I did not want her comfort._

"_No, it's not okay! It's never going to be okay again! Never, never!" I had screamed and stamped my feet. I had tried to cry, but all of my tears had been spent days ago. Instead, I had just yelled and screamed._

_I remember vaguely seeing Light enter the house as my aunt had quickly led me upstairs. He had looked confused and frightened at my outburst and had just silently stood there, watching me scream. _

_Aunt Sachiko had decided to sit with me in my bedroom, whispering comforting words as she had rubbed my back. I had lain on my stomach on my bed, the drapes pulled across the window in order to make the room dim and cool. It hadn't taken very long before I had calmed down, exhausted and drained after my little episode. I had lain, staring at the wall away from my aunt._

_Aunt Sachiko had quietly murmured, "I know it's hard, Etsuko. But we're all here for you. You can trust us. There are people who you can trust."_

_I had sniffled and had responded bitterly and resolutely, "You can't trust anyone. I won't trust anyone ever again."_

_My aunt had left me shortly after that, probably not believing that there was much weight to my firm statement. Little did she know how those words that I had muttered at six-years-old would still taint my beliefs and actions fifteen years later. _

**...**

It was only after I had ended my conversation with my dad when I remembered that Ryuzaki wanted to speak with me. I mulled briefly over ideas of why he would want to see me, but soon gave up and waited throughout most of the evening for him to beckon me. Around 11:00, I gave up waiting for him and prepared to get ready for bed, thinking he had forgotten about me.

It was a foolish thing for me to think.

Watari phoned just as I was pulling back the covers on my bed. Ryuzaki wanted to speak with me right away. I grumbled to myself as I headed to the main sitting area.

_He picks the most opportune times. _

I knew that Ryuzaki could only really speak to me in private during late evening, since he was busy working with the task force for the majority of the time. However, I couldn't help but still resent his times to meet.

He was waiting for me, crouched on a plush chair and bending over a plate of cookies. As soon as I sat down, he slowly slid the plate towards me with one of his spindly fingers. I raised an eyebrow, surprised that he was actually offering me one of his sweets. I didn't complain though and politely took a cookie and mumbled a quiet 'thank you.' Ryuzaki didn't respond, but simply munched on his own cookie.

"So, um, what did you want to speak to me about?"

Ryuzaki was quick to the point. "You appeared quite distressed a few days ago and earlier today. I was wondering if everything is alright."

I was instantly suspicious. Ryuzaki had never appeared to be concerned or interested in knowing how I was doing. Why all of a sudden was he curious? I suspected that he had some other purpose to our meeting and that he wasn't being genuine.

However, the words that my dad had spoken at my birthday dinner came back to me: _"Instead, perhaps try acknowledging this person's humanity and their potential. Even try giving them a second chance?"_ I reflected on his words and decided I would give them a try.

"It's nothing really. I've just found it difficult lately not seeing Light or Matsuda on a regular basis. That's all," I answered noncommittally, not wanting to elaborate on my concerns and feelings of resentment towards Light.

Ryuzaki was quick to poke holes in my answer. "But you were able to spend the whole afternoon with Light and Matsuda at Aoyama a few days ago. And Light offered to help you with homework this evening. However, you turned his request down."

I distracted myself with brushing away a few cookie crumbs on my lap as I answered quickly, "Well, um, I didn't have a lot of time to do homework tonight and, um, yeah." I didn't care to elaborate on how my afternoon in Aoyama was unfulfilling to say the least. It was true that, if I didn't have to phone my dad, I would have welcomed Light's company. Not to help with homework, but to discuss some of my concerns with him. To figure out if my concerns were indeed valid or just in my mind.

"That's right. You had to phone your father this evening," Ryuzaki tried to adapt his voice to sound like he had just remembered the phone call, but his voice was too stiff, as if he was reciting lines that he had prepared beforehand. "And how is your father feeling?"

_Now he's asking about dad's wellbeing? This isn't like him at all._

"Uh, he is...he is feeling much better. Thanks for asking," I softly responded, hoping that Ryuzaki wouldn't uncover my lie. He had his hands too full with the investigation to listen in on a phone call of mine.

I should have known by then that it was impossible to predict what Ryuzaki would do.

Ryuzaki placed his thumb on his bottom lip and stretched it down. He gazed intently at me and drawled out, "Strange. The recorded phone conversation I listened to this evening sounded quite different. No discussion about your father being ill. Instead, something about this morning's news. And Kira killing someone who, apparently, is connected to your father."

I tensed up and stuffed the rest of the cookie in my mouth. I struggled to chew the mouthful of cookie, but it gave me extra time to think of how to respond. I should have known better than to lie to Ryuzaki.

In a weird sort of way, Ryuzaki saved me from thinking up something to say by continuing on. "It seems that the news this morning furthered your distress, Miss Yagami."

I choked on the last bits of the cookie as it was halfway down my throat. I coughed and sputtered out without thinking, "Distressed? The news this morning was far from distressing!"

I hastily covered my mouth, but the words were already out.

Ryuzaki's eyes widened, but he didn't sound surprised by my response when he asked, "Care to elaborate about why that is, Miss Yagami?"

I breathed slowly out and leaned back in the chair. I knew Ryuzaki wouldn't let me leave until I told him and a part of me believed that I would feel relief if I let it all out. Perhaps...

"I guess I'll...I'll tell you..." I mumbled, glancing at Ryuzaki.

Ryuzaki continued staring at me, urging me with his incessant stare to continue. I knew I wasn't being given a choice as to go on or not.

"This morning, the criminal Kawaguchi Hideto was killed in his prison cell by Kira. He had been serving a sentence for having killed three people and attempting to murder a police officer," I started solemnly, and snuck a quick glance at Ryuzaki. He looked as if he knew what I was going to say next, but I provided the next statement anyways.

"The police officer was my father," I softly stated.

The rest of the facts flowed smoothly after that.

"My father was a member of the homicide unit in Tottori City. He received a case where innocent family members of a gang leader had been murdered. One of the victims was an eight-year-old boy. It was suspected that rival gang members were responsible for the murders.

"My father was fortunate in finding an inside source, I guess you could say, into the rival gang. The insider was one of these rival gang members who was willing to give my father information on the gang and work with my father in uncovering who the murderer or murderers were. They worked for quite a few months together. My father trusted him.

And then, in the first week of August, it was all supposed to come to a close. The insider had arranged a meeting with the murderer at a local warehouse. As soon as the murderer arrived, my father would be ready to take him down. There was back-up and everything just around the corner of the warehouse and everything was in place. The insider was there to help my dad out as well. It should have all gone smoothly."

I paused at that point and looked sadly down at my hands. I found it difficult to swallow the lump in my throat that had suddenly appeared.

"When the murderer didn't show up, my dad asked the insider if there had been some mistake or miscommunication. But the insider reassured my dad that everything was running smoothly and then...he pulled a gun on my dad. Before my dad could respond, he was shot three times and was left for dead in the warehouse. The insider was Kawaguchi Hideto.

"He didn't get very far before the back-up officers caught him and had him in custody. They were also able to attend to my dad quickly. It was later discovered that Kawaguchi had been playing my dad the whole time. He had been the murderer of the three victims and had pretended to be an insider just so he could get close enough to my dad to...to get rid of him. The set-up at the warehouse was just that: a set-up to kill my dad.

"The doctors didn't think my dad was going to live to see the morning. Two of the bullets had been easily removed and hadn't caused as much life-threatening damage as the third. The third bullet had hit his lung and the doctors were having a hard time removing it without causing further damage. He had also lost a lot of blood.

"I still remember seeing him. He was connected to all of these tubes and wires and he wasn't breathing by himself. And he wasn't awake. I'm ashamed to say it, but I was scared of him. It just looked so alien and scary and it wasn't my dad in that hospital bed."

I blinked rapidly, refusing to let the tears build up. I had reflected on that particular memory many times before, but speaking it to someone else made it feel more real all of a sudden.

"I was told to say goodbye to him and I did.

"My aunt and uncle and cousins came to Tottori City for a couple of months to support us. Especially my mom who was...well, quite the nervous wreck." I reflected on how my mother had always been a more tightly-strung individual, but my father's brush with death had increased the emotionally-withdrawn demeanor that she carried. She distanced herself from others and focused her attention on her work and superficial things, like appearances. It wasn't until much later when I realized how my mother's persistent occupation with appearances, distancing herself from others, and rigid politeness had rubbed off on me.

"My dad did get better though. After a few days of being in a coma-like state, he regained consciousness and began the long journey of recovering. It took many months before he could walk even a little distance without getting short of breath and do most things he could do before.

"However, he never recovered the full extent of his health. He couldn't run as fast as he used to and became tired quicker. He seemed to get ill more often. His less-than-perfect health influenced his decision to quit the homicide unit and become a dispatcher instead. My father had loved his job, but his health just wouldn't let him push himself that far anymore. Kawaguchi took that away from him."

A raw bitterness flavoured my words. "Kawaguchi took a lot away from my dad and my family. He denied his guilt the whole court case until the very end, which delayed the sentencing and increased my family's pain and suffering as the trial dragged on. He took away parts of my parents' marriage, leaving my mother to be embittered towards my dad's occupation and my dad longing for the once vibrant woman that my mother used to be. And, like I said, he took away my dad's health and livelihood with the homicide unit.

"So, no. This morning's broadcast was not distressing. I was...I was happy that he was killed. I was happy that he was gone. I wanted to tell my dad that I was happy, but I couldn't. He forgave Kawaguchi a long time ago, but I can't and I don't want to."

Ryuzaki craned his neck towards me and finally took his thumb out of his mouth. He hadn't touched his cup of coffee the whole time I had spoken and had been perfectly still. Now though, he shifted and spoke softly, as if he didn't want to disturb the unpleasant atmosphere that my words had brought about.

"Those aren't the only things he took away, was it, Miss Yagami?"

I looked up at him and really gazed back into his eyes, almost challenging him to voice what he was going to say. As far as I believed, his words would fall on deaf ears.

_What you are going to say, I have acknowledged a long time ago. I acknowledge every day._

Ryuzaki recognized that I wasn't going to provide the obvious answer and supplied it instead.

"He took away your ability to trust others, didn't he, Miss Yagami? He took away your ability to trust a person's words and actions. And not only the ability to trust as a child, but the ability to trust even now."

I balled my hands up into fists and hardened my expression into one of reproach. Ryuzaki spoke the truth, but it felt like it was an accusation, like an insult almost. I felt like I had to defend myself.

"My father's trust almost got him killed. I think I have a perfectly justifiable reason for not trusting people very easily."

It was the first time I ever saw Ryuzaki, well, smile. It wasn't really a smile, more like a quick tugging and twitching of the lips, but it was a quick, small smile nonetheless. It seemed he was amused at my annoyance and how easily I had abandoned any sense of etiquette or meekness.

"But trust issues aren't the only thing. You don't like to put yourself out there for everyone to see, but like things to be comfortable and secure."

My brow wrinkled as I tried to figure out what he was doing. Was he seriously dissecting who I was?

"And you keep up a persona where your true feelings and thoughts aren't clearly visible. You hide behind a mask of fake cheerfulness and politeness."

I felt my body tense even more. I realized I was holding my breath. He was really starting to annoy me, but I kept my face in a relatively neutral expression.

"And you rationalize that it's easier, safer, and more comfortable to hide behind this mask than to trust people. And that, in turn, distances you from people. It repels people away."

I couldn't keep my aggravation bottled up anymore and spurted forth in an angry voice, "What do you possibly know about it?!"

Ryuzaki sat still in the sudden silence, but his lips twitched again and a startlingly realization dawned on me.

_He wasn't just describing me...he was describing _himself_. Maybe not everything is the same, but there are more similarities than I thought._

And as I thought about it even more, I acknowledged that Ryuzaki and I had more commonalities than I wanted to admit. Not wanting to put ourselves out there for the whole world to see. Wearing masks of deception to cover our true intentions and thoughts. Distancing ourselves from people.

As the silence stretched on, I realized though that Ryuzaki seemed to take steps away from those traits. He had emerged from his secretiveness by exposing himself to the task force and to even the whole To-Oh campus. He had exposed himself to Light, who was a Kira suspect. He continued to trust the task force as he worked side-by-side with them. He trusted Light enough to allow my cousin to join the investigation.

Sure, Ryuzaki still seemed closed off when it came to his feelings and thoughts, but there had been times where I had seen tiny cracks in the emotional walls that he erected against people. The time I had mentioned Ukita's name the evening of his death, Ryuzaki had snapped angrily at me and his eyes had bulged with that emotion that was so close to dismay. And even less than half an hour ago he had asked me if everything was alright.

It seemed that my dad's advice had proven to be effective. I had come to realize that there was more humanity to Ryuzaki than I thought. And that worried me, because recognizing that Ryuzaki really was flesh and blood, made it harder for me to be against him.

_I'm supposed to be on Light's side, completely on his side. _

Ryuzaki's voice suddenly broke the reflective silence, startling me. "But there is someone who you do trust, who you do let your defenses down with, who you believe is sincere..."

I surprised myself by thinking of Matsuda first and then Light.

"...and that is your cousin Light. He understands you. And he's able to understand what will make you feel happy and supported, isn't that right?"

I was confused. I had no idea where Ryuzaki was going with his whole, long line of statements. But I had some idea of what he was referring to with his last set of words.

"Do...do you mean Light offering to help me with my homework this evening?"

Ryuzaki's eyes narrowed and they appeared to grow darker.

"No, Miss Yagami. The sudden death of a particular criminal was what I had in mind."

My confusion skyrocketed and I recoiled back in my seat, completely thrown off by his bizarre comment.

"H-how could Light have anything to do with-"

"What better way to console and support his lonely, distressed cousin, than to get rid of the man who destroyed her father's career and painfully disrupted her and her family's life?"

And then my confusion was instantly replaced with grim, aggravating realization as to what Ryuzaki was not-so-subtly implying.

I abruptly stood up from my chair and sputtered heatedly, "You think Light killed Kawaguchi?! You still suspect Light that much of being Kira?! B-but I thought...I thought because he was part of the investigation you didn't suspect him a lot anymore!"

Ryuzaki calmly explained as he plunked some more sugar in his coffee, "I apologize for having given that impression, Miss Yag-"

I stamped my foot, impatiently not allowing him to make excuses. "You didn't want me here to ask how I was doing! You just wanted to make this accusation against Light right in front of me!"

Ryuzaki took a long, loud slurp of his coffee before continuing levelly on, "Actually, I had initially wanted to know the source of your sudden distress, wondering if it may be connected to Light's introduction to the investigation. But after listening in on the phone call with your father, I was more curious about how you would react to my proposed theory."

I threw my hands up in revulsion and shrilly exclaimed, "It's a ridiculous theory! It's an insulting theory! It's not a theory at all because...it's just not true! And I know what your real reason was for telling me all of this!"

"Oh, really, is that so?" Ryuzaki didn't sound doubtful or curious, but just plain bored with my outburst as he reached for a handful of cookies.

"Yes, I do! You told me all of this because you want me to be on your side! You want me to be against Light!"

Ryuzaki munched and mumbled around his mouthful of cookies, "Mphm, I wasn't aware, mrph, that Light and I were on different sides, Miss Yagami."

I let out a hollow, mirthless laugh which was half scoff. "Like you didn't know! You're trying to get me to be suspicious of Light!"

"Not at all, Miss Yagami-"

"Oh, come on-"

"I don't have to do that because you already are suspicious of Light."

That rendered me completely speechless. My hands dropped limply to my sides. Ryuzaki shot me a piercing stare that made me flinch. I felt like I had collided with a brick wall.

_I don't suspect Light...of anything. I'm just worried and concerned and am a little bit bitter towards –_

I began to slowly shake my head and whispered, my courage and bluntness having vanished, "I'm, I'm not suspicious of Light. I'm just...I'm just concerned with all of the work he has to do and..."

But Ryuzaki wasn't buying into my answer. He lowered his head a little and continued to stare back at me with knowing, perceptive eyes. I quickly looked away, because I couldn't let him see my distress. My distress at how Light had increasingly grown more distant and cold around me. My distress at how Light wasn't keen on me befriending Matsuda or showing the slightest kindness to Ryuzaki. My distress at how there were times when I felt nervous around Light. When I felt, dare I say it, frightened.

However, I couldn't say any of that to Ryuzaki. It would be the ultimate betrayal to Light.

Instead, I stated as firmly as I could, "I'm going to go now." I turned around and slowly began to leave the room.

Surprisingly, Ryuzaki didn't order me to stay, but dully stated to my retreating back, "Best to keep this conversation to ourselves then, Miss Yagami, if you do not wish to add to Light's burden."

I nodded numbly as I rounded the corner out of the room. Ryuzaki and I both knew that I heard the thinly veiled threat behind his words. As much as I was able to rant and yell at Ryuzaki, I still knew that he held power over me and, unfortunately, now Light. My imagination took over filling in the blanks of the type of restrictions and consequences Ryuzaki could enforce if I did anything against his will.

And besides, the last thing I wanted to do was tell Light that Ryuzaki suspected him of killing...

I threw open the sliding door to the balcony and welcomed a strong gust of wind as it hit my face. I needed some fresh air to clear my thoughts. It was a southern wind, and yet I couldn't control the shivering that suddenly came over me.

_I'm not suspicious! Ryuzaki doesn't know what he's talking about. I could never think of Light as..._

But then I reflected on how withdrawn and detached he had been lately, how it had increasingly become worse. I reflected on the looks and tone of voice that he used sometimes around me, how his looks and voice intimidated in an almost graceful way. I reflected on how he always seemed to be thinking of something else. How his mouth said one thing, but how his eyes said something altogether different. I reflected on how badly he wanted that information on the Kira case months ago at that cafe and how disappointed he was when I refused his request. I even delved further back into my memory and remembered how he had locked himself away in his room for hours. I even remembered that one time when I had woken in the early hours of the morning and had heard him muttering in his room and how uncharacteristic that was of him.

And then I reflected on Ryuzaki's crazy theory and, for a slight second, I entertained his ridiculous speculation.

_If Light did kill Kawaguchi, wouldn't that show how much he cares about me? Or would it be just another way of trying to buy my loyalty? Either way, wouldn't I be grateful to him that he killed off my father's would-be murderer?_

I suddenly let out a loud, harsh laugh that disappeared into the night wind. I gripped the balcony railing and leaned forward, gasping and sucking in large gulps of air. I leaned back and let out another string of unrestrained laughs, as if I was trying to release the utter nonsense that I had allowed myself to dwell on.

_What hilarious nonsense! I can't believe I actually entertained such rubbish! What a fool I am! There's a rational explanation for everything and Ryuzaki does not have it!_

My laughter slowly resided and I went back inside the hotel. I collapsed into bed and wiped the tears of mirth away from my eyes.

_Light is just really busy with the investigation. He's been busy with school and exams and life in general for the past several months. He's probably so busy trying to get inside Kira's head that he doesn't even notice that he's sometimes inconsiderate or distant. Ryuzaki can think all he wants, but he's the only one who thinks Light is guilty. Matsuda and uncle and the rest of the task force all think he's innocent. Ryuzaki is the one who's the fool._

I was so easily convinced.

**...**

"Matsuda, is something the matter?"

Matsuda had been looking rather solemn when he had driven me to school and looked even more upset when he picked me up.

Matsuda slumped in his seat and sighed. "The case has just been really crazy lately. We've been, uh...interrogating this one suspect and-"

"A Kira suspect?" I interrupted, my hope rising that the task force had found another suspect. A more reasonable suspect than Light.

Matsuda shook his head. "No, someone who is suspected of being the fake Kira, the Second Kira. The interrogation has been...well, it's been a lot of work. It's alright, Etsuko." Matsuda was quick to reassure me, obviously not wanting to talk much about it.

I had heard about the Second Kira briefly from snippets of students' conversations at school. I hadn't been following the whole thing. All I knew was that there was someone who was trying to copy Kira and do his will or something.

"So, Light is still currently the main suspect of being Kira then?" I sadly clarified.

Matsuda offered me an apologetic smile. "Yeah, unfortunately. But you know that Ryuzaki is the only one who suspects Light. Your uncle and the task force and I all think he's innocent. I'm hopeful that we'll find out who the real Kira is once we get through to the Second Kira suspect we have in custody."

"Y-yeah, you're right," I returned Matsuda's smile. My conviction that Light was just wrapped up in the case and that Ryuzaki was off his rocker strengthened with Matsuda's encouraging words.

"I just don't understand how Ryuzaki can believe that Light is guilty when everyone else thinks he's innocent," I muttered, frustrated that I couldn't understand Ryuzaki's logic.

Matsuda was silent for a few seconds as he focused on the road, his eyes rapidly flitting back and forth as he tried to find the words to say.

"I think Ryuzaki just tries to cover every possible angle. He wants to be sure about things. It's hard to break the convictions he has." Matsuda chuckled lowly. "I guess that comes from being the world's greatest detective."

"As long as he treats Light decently and doesn't do anything drastic," I mumbled, trying not to imagine the type of interrogation methods Ryuzaki would use.

Matsuda brightened up. "I wouldn't worry about that, Etsuko. Ryuzaki considers Light his friend."

"What?!" I sat upright in my seat and peered at Matsuda with wide eyes.

Matsuda laughed at my surprise. "Ha ha, yeah. He told Light that a couple of days ago. Said that Light was the first friend that he ever had. I couldn't believe it at first when I heard it as well."

"Wh-what did Light say?"

"Something about missing Ryuzaki around campus and that they should hang out sometime."

I sat back in my seat, utterly perplexed. Was it all some type of trick or deception? Or was Ryuzaki actually being genuine?

"And before you ask, Ryuzaki sounded pretty sincere," Matsuda added as he pulled into the hotel parkade.

"I – I can't believe it. This is really good news though. I mean, this could only mean good things for Light." I spurted out. I was perplexed, but I was also overjoyed.

When we entered the suite, I encountered Light in one of the hallways heading towards the main sitting area. He looked to be in a rush, no doubt wanting to join the task force, but I half-ran towards him and stopped him in his tracks.

I ignored his impatient look as I gently took his arm and exclaimed, "Matsuda just told me that Ryuzaki considers you his friend!"

Light's brow wrinkled and then he nodded furiously, "Yes, yes, he did. I have to go-"

I beamed and tugged on his arm in excitement. "That's great news, Light! If Ryuzaki actually considers you a friend, then he must trust you more than he's really letting on! I mean, I know he still suspects you and all, but that's only because he doesn't have anyone else to suspect at the moment. And that may all change now that you have a Second Kira suspect in custody-"

"How do you know about that? Listen, Etsuko, I need to go-"

"My gosh, to think I actually considered what he had to say a few days ago-"

Light's already limited patience was drawing to a close and he tried to release my grasp from his sleeve, but I was becoming too excited and happy over the string of ideas that I was pouring forth to convince both Light and myself.

"Light, it has only got to be a matter of time before-"

"Etsuko, let go-"

"—before this Second Kira suspect reveals something and then I'm sure-"

"—I said let go!"

Light didn't raise his voice, but his words came out harsh and demanding. He grabbed my hand and yanked it roughly away from his sleeve. He continued to grip my wrist tightly as he breathed heavily out and stared at me. I gazed back into his eyes, dumbstruck at what I saw behind his dark irises.

Suddenly, all of my optimism and excitement and blind conviction that nothing was really, truly wrong with Light vanished as I stared into his eyes. He wasn't just irritated or angry with me, he was furious. And it wasn't the type of infuriation that one experiences when someone has annoyed you a little too far or has slammed the door in your face for no good reason. The type of burning rage that smoldered behind his eyes was the type of fury you witness from the superior whose inferior oversteps their respectful boundaries and believes they are on equal ground with the superior. It was the fury of the master when the servant speaks back. It was the wrath of a deity who is cursed and blasphemed by a mere mortal.

And I realized with nauseating clarity, that there was something very wrong with Light. That I couldn't continue to pretend that he was just busy with the investigation or stressed out. I was scared by him and I felt sick with the feeling of that fear.

Light suddenly released my wrist, the charms on my bracelet softly rattling as my arm swung backwards and limply hung by my side. Light fumbled on his words as he stepped around me and headed towards the sitting area.

"Etsu, I'm...I have to go and-"

"Light, can I speak with you sometime soon?" I softly muttered, my voice taut with fear that I barely had strength to control.

Light sighed and said, "I'm really busy, Etsuko and-"

"I know you are, but I'm...I'm concerned about you." I wanted to say 'I am scared around you,' but I was too frightened of how he would respond to that.

"You're always concerned. That's nothing new. There's nothing to worry about."

"Please, Light." I refrained from looking at him, but just stared at the carpet. I had resorted to begging.

Light was silent for a second and then he carelessly responded, "Fine. I'll have to see. Give me a call when you want to...talk, I guess, and I'll see if I can make some time."

And with that he left briskly down the hallway and out of my sight. I could hear him speaking to the task force in the main sitting area, his voice determined and interested and friendly. I shivered at the absolute contrast from how he was only a few seconds before with me.

_What if...what if he really was...I mean, it's absolutely crazy, but what if he was...?_

I suddenly had the urge to puke and ran down the hallway as fast as I could to my bedroom. I burst through the bathroom door and bent over the toilet. I listened to my shallow breaths and dry retched, but nothing came out of my stomach. I stumbled over to my bed and collided into the pillows and blankets, suddenly exhausted.

There seemed to be no certainties anymore. Only questions. Only speculations. The only sure thing was that I had been frightened of Light and that I needed to speak with him. I needed to find out why he was acting the way he was, however afraid I was of finding out.

I spent the rest of the evening storing up the courage it would take to encounter him when that time came.

**...**

I believed I had stored up enough courage to phone Light a couple of days later. Contrary to prior experience, being ignorant in this particular situation was far from blissful. Not having answers gave my imagination full permission to conjure up all types of disturbing explanations for Light's behaviour. I felt that once I was able to speak with Light, however nervous I was, things would settle down and I would feel better.

My fear spurned me onwards.

However, Light wasn't picking up his cell phone. I phoned three times in a desperate attempt to arrange a time to talk to him, but I received his voice mail each time. I would chicken out each time I heard the beep at the end of his voice mail intro, and wouldn't leave a message, but would decide to try him again later.

Finally, I tried Watari to find out if Light was at the hotel with the task force. Watari smoothly informed me that Light had been sick lately and had taken a short break from the investigation to recover. I inquired how ill Light was, but Watari didn't have any answers. Or he didn't want to give me any answers.

I phoned uncle's cell phone the next day, attempting to get answers from him about Light's wellbeing. But uncle's phone instantly went to voice mail and, after three attempts with the same result, I realized I wasn't going to get through.

_That's odd. Uncle always has his phone on, even when he's in the middle of something._

I became worried. Something didn't feel right. Both Light and uncle weren't answering their phones and Watari had been scarce with details. I realized it was up to me to find out what was going on, however much I feared the outcome of what I would find out.

I encountered Aizawa as I was heading towards the main sitting area. His eyes flashed with alarm as he saw me approaching and held his hands out to block me from getting past him.

"Where are you going, Miss Yagami?"

"I have to see my uncle. Right away," I urgently explained as I tried to step around him. But Aizawa stepped in front of me and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Miss Yagami, but I can't allow you to-"

"It's important. Please!"

I tried getting past him again, but he was determined to not let me pass. Something was going on. He really didn't want me to enter the main sitting area.

"W-what's going on? Why can't I see my uncle?" I was beginning to sound panicked.

Aizawa attempted to calm me down. "It's nothing, Miss Yagami. Please just return to your room and everything will be fine."

But Aizawa didn't sound so certain that everything was okay. He rushed through his words and sounded doubtful. And he couldn't look me in the eye.

_He's lying to me. Something's wrong and I need to find out!_

I was afraid of what he was hiding, of what he didn't want me to encounter in the main sitting area. I channelled that fear into action and shoved Aizawa with all my strength towards the wall and darted towards the main sitting area.

The adrenaline that my fear provided was still surging and pumping viciously through my veins when I came upon my discovery in the sitting area.

**...**

**A/N: Yes, I'm going to be cruel and end this chapter with a cliff hanger (special apology to Beyond. who isn't a fan of cliff hangers ;) ). Anyways, always welcome feedback of any kind! Thanks for reading! **


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: So, this chapter was supposed to contain a lot more material, but I didn't want to make it really lengthy (I think there's such a thing as having too short a chapter and also too long a chapter). Anyway, although I had intended on including more in this chapter, hopefully what is included is satisfactory to you lovely readers! :) **

Chapter 14

"_May the bridges I burn light the way." - Anonymous_

**...**

I felt like I was in a suspense movie. The startled looks that Matsuda and Ryuzaki were aiming my way, the darkness of the room only lit by the bluish, hazy light of the TV screen, and the horrifying images on the television. Yep, I was in my own horror film.

There were three individuals portrayed on the television, none of them together but being separately filmed by different cameras. One of the individuals was a young woman who was strapped and blindfolded to the maximum degree; it truly looked like something out of a horror flick. I didn't recognize her (I doubt anyone could with how tightly strapped and contained she was), but the other two figures on the screen were definitely recognizable.

They were Light and Uncle Soichiro. They were both in separate holding cells. Uncle was wearing his normal work clothes and was not handcuffed, but Light was dressed in unfamiliar dark clothing and had his hands cuffed behind his back. They were both awake, staring off into the distance. Uncle stared across the cell with such a deep sadness that I felt my stomach flip-flop with worry. Light, on the other hand, gazed across the cell with a hardened stare that bordered on being emotionless.

I didn't know what to think. I probably would have stood there for an endless stretch of time trying to comprehend what was going on if it hadn't been for Aizawa rushing into the room after I had shoved him off to the side.

I snapped out of my reverie of horrified astonishment and moaned quietly at first before progressively growing louder, "What is this? W-what is going on here? What is going on here?! What is all of this?!"

"Aizawa, take Miss Yagami away immediately," Ryuzaki commanded loudly over my wailing voice, his eyes sharp and hard with annoyance.

Aizawa sighed and silently obeyed with a somewhat hesitant expression on his face. He approached me and reached for my arm, but I shrugged him away and yelled fiercely at Ryuzaki, "Don't you dare tell me to leave! Don't you dare! What are you doing to my uncle and cousin?! What the hell are you doing to them?!"

Aizawa grabbed onto my arms and steered me towards the hallway. I struggled against him, but he held firm and proceeded to drag me back to my room. Matsuda stood helplessly by his chair, anxiously watching as Aizawa tried to get me to be cooperative.

"Please, Miss Yagami, it's for the best that you leave the room," Aizawa huffed as he struggled with not getting hit in the face with my flailing arms.

However much I struggled though, I wasn't strong enough and Aizawa dragged me down the hallway towards my bedroom. I screamed the whole time.

"Tell me what you're doing, Ryuzaki! I deserve to know! You tell me what you're doing to my uncle and cousin! Tell me!

Aizawa guided me into my room and quickly shut the door. I banged on the door, not letting down.

"You can't just throw me into my room and not tell me anything! You tell me right now what you're doing, Ryuzaki! You tell me right now, L! You hear me! I won't stop until you tell me!"

I must have banged on the door and screamed the same things over and over again for five straight minutes until I realized the door wasn't locked. I stopped screaming all of a sudden and stared at the doorknob, as if I just realized that that part of the door existed. I shakily breathed out and readied myself.

_That's it. Aunt Sachiko and Sayu need to be told. They need to be told that some psychopath has locked up uncle and Light. And I'm the only one who can and will tell them._

I quietly turned the doorknob and crept out of my bedroom. I carefully tiptoed down the hallway, hugging the wall as I went along towards the door that led out of the suite. I knew I would need to make a run for the door, since it was directly across from where Ryuzaki, Aizawa, and Matsuda were.

I breathed in as quietly as I could and then dashed away from the wall and lunged towards the door. I heard Matsuda shout my name in surprise as I tore through the door, and heard loud shuffling feet racing towards me as I slammed the door shut. I spontaneously dragged a little side table that was sitting in the hotel hallway and wedged it underneath the doorknob of the door to the suite. And then I sprinted off down the hallway as fast as my feet could take me.

It didn't take very long before Aizawa and Matsuda were able to shove their way through the door and topple the side table to the ground. I could hear them both shouting my name and could hear their footsteps following me down the hall. I didn't look back though and my determination and fury spurned me onwards, giving me speed to my step that I never had experienced before.

I dodged housekeeping staff who wheeled their trolleys of cleaning supplies down the hall and weaved in between hotel guests and bell boys. I didn't risk being slowed down by the elevator and instead sprinted down the staircase, all twelve floors of steps. As soon as I saw the front doors to the hotel, I bolted with a surge of energy and exited into downtown.

The streets were packed with people who were eager to enjoy downtown Tokyo at night. The restaurants and shops and night clubs were all overcrowded so that the people spilled out into the streets, and countless more people aimlessly roamed down the sidewalks. I took full advantage of the crowds and attempted to get lost within the throngs of people. I didn't have any money on me, so that left out the subway and taxi cabs. If I had to run all the way home to my aunt and cousin to inform them about what was happening to uncle and Light, then so be it.

I had only made it past one block when I heard the screech of a police siren. I risked a look backwards and saw a police car speeding down the street towards me.

_It's probably some other police officer going after a speeder or something._

I didn't want to risk it though and turned down a smaller street with less people. I was able to gain more speed that way. As I exited the smaller street and back onto a main road, I was alarmed to see another police car racing towards me, it's siren screeching and lights blazing. The car caught me off by surprise and I crashed into a passerby. I ignored their swearing at me and sprinted down the road, trying to get away from the police car.

My sides were killing me. They ached with cramps that sent shooting pains up along my whole upper body each time I took a step. My breathing was so loud that it almost blocked out the screeching of the siren.

I hadn't even reached the next block when I heard another siren. Sure enough, the two police cars were racing down the road together now straight towards me. I was positive that it was Matsuda and Aizawa. They had somehow picked me out from the crowd and were able to follow me down the busy streets.

"Dammit," I huffed out as I continued to dash down the sidewalk.

I was beginning to get tired and had to slow down to a brisk jog. The police cars drew nearer, their sirens effectively eliminating the traffic around them. They both sped through two red lights as I got caught up in a crowd of people waiting at a crosswalk. I tried to push through the mass of people, but the horde of bodies was too thick and I realized, with crushing disappointment, that I was cornered.

The two police cars pulled up to the curb where I was standing and Aizawa and Matsuda bolted out of the cars. Matsuda out ran Aizawa, and before I knew it he was before me and was firmly, but gently, holding onto my shoulders.

"I need to tell my aunt and cousin what he's doing to them! I need to let them know – they deserve to know! Please, Matsuda!" I moaned as I struggled to break away from his grasp. But I was exhausted after running so hard and so far and could barely stand up straight.

Matsuda continued to hold onto my shoulders and sighed as he looked down at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Etsuko. But we can't let you tell them. You have to come back with us right now."

I knew that I had no choice but to go with Matsuda and Aizawa, but I continued to resist. I grasped the front of Matsuda's jacket and tugged on it weakly as I spouted out, my voice becoming choked with distress, "Matsuda, it's not fair! What he's doing, it's wrong! It's so wrong! I don't want to go back there, please...please..."

I didn't realize that I was close to tears until I felt the prick of a teardrop at the corner of my eye. Matsuda must have seen that tear and suddenly pulled me against him. My face collided with the front of his shirt and jacket. His arms wrapped around me tightly and held me there. There must have been tons of onlookers staring at us, but I didn't care and just focused on how good it felt to be embraced by him. My ear was pressed right over his chest and I focused on the steady beating of his heart as I tried desperately to calm down. The last thing I wanted was to have a panic attack right out in the open on the sidewalk.

If it hadn't been for Aizawa clearing his throat loudly in order to get our attention, Matsuda and I may have stood that way for several more seconds. Matsuda ignored Aizawa's probing look and led me to the police car that he had been driving. We sped off back to the hotel in silence.

When we got back to the hotel, I made an effort to avoid looking at Ryuzaki. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him and would snap. When I approached my bedroom, I noticed that a heavy lock had been quickly installed on the door. I snorted in disgust and entered my room. Matsuda followed right behind and sat down with me on my bed.

Matsuda sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair as he said, "I hope you'll understand once I tell you what's happening, Etsuko."

I showed that I had heard him by a quick nod and then sat tensely as Matsuda began to speak.

"It was Light's and your uncle's decisions to be confined."

I blinked and shook my head. "No. No, my uncle and Light would never ask for that. Why would they possibly ask for that?"

Matsuda shuffled uncomfortably and slowly explained, "A few days ago, Light came to us and said that there was a possibility that he was Kira."

I felt my stomach twist and felt a shiver run all the way up my spine. "W-what? Why would he...why would he say-"

"He went over all of the reasons why Ryuzaki suspects him, how certain incidents and circumstances make it appear that he is Kira."

I suddenly realized how stupid I had been the past few months to not even really consider the reasons Ryuzaki suspected Light of being Kira. I guess the whole notion of my cousin being a mass murderer was too ridiculous for me to seriously wonder why Ryuzaki suspected him in the first place. However, at that moment, I wanted to know.

"What type of incidents and circumstances?" I asked, hoping that Matsuda would be able to tell me.

Matsuda looked off to the side and muttered, "I'm really not sure what I'm allowed to tell you, Etsuko. I guess, to tell you without giving away too many case details...Light's been connected to people who have been murdered by or associated with Kira, and he's been at key locations where it's suspected Kira was as well. I wish I could tell you more, but..."

As much as I wondered about the details around these incidents and circumstances, I knew I wouldn't get any of that information out of Matsuda or anyone else of the task force. However unfair it seemed to not be allowed to know the exact reasons why Light was suspected, at that moment I was more intent on knowing more about Light's recent announcement of possibly being Kira.

Matsuda continued, "Light said that he fears that he has been subconsciously doing all that Kira has done. He even said that if he was Ryuzaki, he would come to the same conclusion: That he is Kira."

I clenched my stomach as it began to churn restlessly and thought of how distant Light had been recently, how annoyed and irritated he had been with me when I didn't do what he wanted, how angry and infuriated he was with me a few days ago when I had stopped him in the hallway. How he had frightened me...

_Could it really be that Light is...? He actually believes that he may be Kira and –_

I clamped my hand over my mouth, afraid that I was going to vomit all over the carpet. Matsuda turned to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Etsuko, are you okay?"

I swallowed convulsively a couple of times until the feeling that I was going to be sick resided. I nodded quickly as I slowly took my hand away from my mouth and left it lying limply in my lap.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay, Matsuda. W-what else did Light say?"

Matsuda surveyed me in silence for a couple of seconds, making sure that I really was okay. He then continued steadily, his eyes watching me more closely than before.

"He went on to say that he had been having thoughts that certain criminals deserve to die. He rationalized that if he could think like Kira, then there may be a possibility that he is Kira. But..."

Matsuda paused for a second and then carried on more firmly and confidently. "I interrupted him and told him that I felt the same way a lot of the time."

Matsuda turned more towards me and spoke imploringly to me, as if he was trying to convince me of where he was coming from. "There are criminals that I think are better off dead, Etsuko, but, as I also told Light and the rest of the task force, I'm not going to go out and kill people just because I have those thoughts. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people have had the same thoughts before, right?"

I felt like telling Matsuda that there was no need for him to try to convince me. Thinking about the recent death of Kawaguchi, I knew exactly how Matsuda felt. And how Light must feel as well.

"In the end, Ryuzaki agreed to confine Light until he believed that your cousin was not Kira. Light even asked Ryuzaki to promise him that he wouldn't be released until Ryuzaki thought him innocent, no matter what he said or did. And so...he was put into confinement under his own free will and has been in confinement for the past few days."

"And my uncle? What about him? Does Ryuzaki now suspect my uncle of being Kira as well?" I sarcastically asked, although a part of me worried that Ryuzaki was crazy enough to actually suspect Uncle Soichiro.

Matsuda shook his head firmly. "No, no. Your uncle decided under his own free will to be confined. He thought it wasn't appropriate for him to be on the investigation while Light is under confinement and supervision. He asked Ryuzaki to confine him because...well, he..."

I could tell that Matsuda was struggling with how to say whatever he wanted to say next. He looked uncomfortable and awkwardly fumbled with his tie. I placed my hand tentatively on his knee, in which he quickly looked down at.

"Matsuda, tell me. I need to know," I softly probed.

Matsuda sighed and nodded. "Your uncle wanted to be confined because he didn't know how much more he could take. What with Light being suspected and all. I think...I think he was afraid he was going to snap."

My heart broke for my uncle as I thought of how desperate he must have been to ask for confinement. I considered how the case had wrecked havoc on his health, emotions, and life in general, and my desire for Kira to be caught increased ten-fold.

_That desire may mean _Light _being caught doesn't it...?_

I clenched my eyes shut and dismissed the thought as I felt another wave of nausea wash over me. I still needed more answers before I could even think about considering such thoughts.

Matsuda provided more details without me asking.

"Your uncle is still being informed of case details and progress that's made in the investigation. And he's also able to contact people on the outside. So, he's not completely cut off from everyone, Etsuko," Matsuda concluded, trying to sound hopeful for probably both of us.

I wondered why uncle hadn't answered my phone calls when I had tried to reach him. I realized that he probably couldn't bring himself to talk to me, even if it meant lying about his current situation.

_He knows I would worry regardless of what he would tell me. Because I'm weak..._

I was interrupted from my thoughts of self-deprecation by Matsuda's voice. "If it makes you feel any better, Etsuko, your uncle said that he was grateful towards Ryuzaki for allowing himself to be confined."

It strangely made me feel a little bit better that both Light and uncle had freely accepted confinement, but my anger towards Ryuzaki for not informing me of their situations had not disappeared. And all of the worries and thoughts that were eager to rise to the surface of my mind were keeping me from feeling genuinely okay.

But I knew that Matsuda was trying hard to get me to feel better and I appreciated his concern and efforts. I offered him a small smile in which he sadly returned.

"Who was...who was that other person? That young woman?" I asked, shuddering as I recalled the sight of her on the TV screen.

I could see Matsuda weighing his words in his head before he spoke them, reviewing what he was and wasn't allowed to tell me. He nodded to himself and then responded, if not a little bit sadly, "That's the Second Kira suspect. We have to enforce pretty strict procedures with her because, well, for safety precautions, I guess. She's been in confinement for quite a few days. Truthfully, I don't know how she's coping with being in such a situation."

I was surprised that I appreciated how open Matsuda was with me. He didn't try to glaze over the details, but just told me straightly the way things were. Perhaps he thought me a stronger person than I considered myself in being able to hear unpleasant details.

And he so openly and vulnerably admitted how he was feeling about the situation. I admired such a trait and wondered if I could ever be that vulnerable with him. Sure, I had had mini outbursts of pent up emotions around him, but had I ever truly been vulnerable with him?

My apology to him months ago flashed through my mind as an example, and I wished secretly that I would get another chance to show Matsuda that I could be vulnerable, too. It was something that months ago I would never have imagined wishing for.

It was ironic that the next thing I asked him put us both in a vulnerable space.

"Matsuda, do...do you believe Light is guilty?"

Matsuda opened his mouth and then quickly closed it. He began to fiddle with the end of his tie, a nervous habit that he appeared to do when he was uneasy. He refrained from looking at me and that queasy feeling came over me again.

"Judging by your silence, I would presume that you-"

"Maybe it's just a coincidence, but no new criminals have been killed since Light has been confined. But, I mean, it's only been a few days and things could change but..."

Matsuda meandered off into silence as I took in his words. They scared me and added fuel to my already unsettled stomach.

"Truthfully, Etsuko, I...I don't know what to think at this point."

_You and me both, Matsuda. I really don't know what to think anymore. And that uncertainty alone bothers me beyond words. _

I suddenly wanted to be alone, afraid that Matsuda would ask me what I thought. But mostly, I didn't want him to see me become upset anymore than he already had. It was embarrassing and I felt shameful for having acted the way I already had. I wanted to be vulnerable and open around Matsuda, but the desire was not strong enough for me to actually go ahead and do it. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak kind of thing, I guess.

I rubbed my eyes and flashed Matsuda an encouraging smile. "Thanks, Matsuda, for explaining all of these things to me. I think I'll be okay now."

_I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep..._

Matsuda looked surprised at my sudden transformation from being miserably silent to cheerfully thanking him. Something akin to understanding briefly crossed over his eyes and he smiled sympathetically at me. And I wondered if he actually could see through my disguise and knew that I was still upset and worried stiff. But instead of prying, he nodded with acceptance and stood up from the bed.

There was something I had to still ask him though. "Matsuda, what do my aunt and Sayu know?"

"Your uncle told them something to explain his and Light's absence. I don't know what he told them though."

I nodded, satisfied enough that Aunt Sachiko and Sayu had some explanation, however false it was.

"Do you want your uncle to know that you...you know, uh, know?"

I pictured uncle's utterly dejected face and sighed, shaking my head as I spoke, "No. Don't tell him. I think if he knew that I knew that he was in confinement, he would worry even more. It's best if he thought that I was just blissfully ignorant of it all. But..."

Matsuda paused at the door and waited for me to continue.

"Would it be alright if I received updates of how they're doing? Or if any criminals get killed?"

Matsuda confidently nodded. "I think that should be okay. I'll have to check with Ryuzaki, but I don't think that will be a problem."

Matsuda left and I was alone in my room. So utterly alone.

I felt physically and emotionally exhausted. The only thing I could think of was to go to bed. I wanted to escape all of the worries and thoughts that were circling around in my brain. I would go to sleep and escape them all.

I put the bathroom trashcan next to my bed, since my stomach still felt like it was going to be upset. I switched off the main lights, but kept the bedside lamp on. Complete darkness would be too oppressive and threatening. It would bring out all of the thoughts that I wanted to extinguish.

As I desperately waited for sleep to embrace me, I struggled with the fear that strangled me. It may have been incomprehensible to actually think of Light as Kira, but the fear that came with that thought was all too real as it tightened around me. That primal, ravenous fear was too strong an enemy, too mighty a fortress, too impenetrable a wall to simply dispel.

**...**

I developed a rather strange strategy when it came to pondering about the possibility of Light being Kira. I wasn't stupid; I knew that it was impossible to completely refrain from thinking about the possibility that my dear cousin was a mass murderer. So, I organized time and locations when I allowed myself to think about such a frightening thought.

I refused to think about it when I was in the middle of class or doing homework, because that would distract me from my work. But the walk to and from class was designated time when I could think about it. The five minute walk to the next lecture hall gave me plenty of time to worry and fuss and internally freak out, but as soon as I stepped into the classroom, I focused fiercely on something else.

I had similar routines back at the hotel. I would give myself time to think about it when I was brushing my teeth or picking out my clothes for the next day of school, but such thoughts were off limits when I was eating breakfast or dinner.

It mostly worked well and I was able to train my mind to only think about the thought at designated times and places. If I didn't have such a strict "game plan," I would've gone bat-shit crazy.

Those moments when I did entertain the possibility of Light being Kira were enough to rattle my bones for the full five or ten or whatever amount of minutes I would think about it. There was still, of course, a side to me that couldn't believe it and tried to rationalize Light's behaviour. But I couldn't help but also wonder what I would do if Light was indeed society's head judge.

_Would I completely shut down in despair? Would I get angry or just cry non-stop? Would I be terrified of him? Would I want to speak to him or never see his face again? Maybe I would try to understand where he was coming from, or maybe I wouldn't want to understand? Would I be grateful to him for having killed Kawaguchi, or would my horror at him being Kira overshadow any gratitude I would feel towards him? Could I ever, really, truly believe that Light is Kira, even if all the evidence piled against him? I really don't know. _

And then there were certain thoughts that made me feel physically sick. The thought that Light could be the one who killed Ukita was too horrible to think about. In addition, the thought of what his family would do and feel if they found out that he was Kira was too much to ponder as well. Remembering uncle's face as he sat in that cell was hard enough to reflect on.

Over the next few days, Matsuda would tell me that uncle and Light were both doing okay, but that was about all the information he had for me. Criminals were still being spared, which didn't help my worrying one bit. Apart from that, things were...well, normal, I guess you could say. I went about my daily routine as if things hadn't changed. But inside I was a bubbling mess of worry and dread. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a menacing cliff, my whole body suffering from vertigo as I gazed down at the dark abyss. What lingered at the bottom was unknown and terrifying.

**...**

I woke up with the breeze blowing on my face. It took me a second to realize that I shouldn't be feeling the wind on my cheek. I groggily opened my eyes and peered across the bedroom. The balcony door was open and the night wind was gently rustling the drapes. I frowned, confused as to why the door was open. I swore I had closed it before I had gone to bed.

I groaned as I pulled the blankets back and slowly sat up in bed. I shivered from the night breeze and padded over to the balcony door. It was then that I saw a figure standing out on the balcony, their silhouette visible behind the drapes. My mind told me to retreat, but my feet led me to the door and I cautiously peered out onto the balcony.

I gasped in surprise as I saw Light standing peacefully on the balcony. He turned to me and smiled pleasantly. He was wearing his normal, everyday clothes and his hands were resting lightly on the balcony railing. He appeared to be enjoying the darkness and coolness of the night.

"L-Light? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in confinement," I squeaked out in disbelief.

"Ryuzaki released me. Criminals started dying again. I'm innocent, Etsuko. I'm not Kira. I never was Kira," Light softly explained, his voice gentle and kind. His pleasant smile never left his face.

"R-really?" I felt tears well up behind my eyes as I took in what he was saying. My fears and worries were slowly drifting away, as if they were being blown away with the wind.

"Yes. In fact, they already have a new suspect. We'll convict him in no time and all of this will be over."

I shakily breathed out and smiled with no restraint as the rest of my worry and fear lifted from my mind. I walked over to Light and stood beside him. He continued to smile at me fondly.

"I'm sorry if I woke you. I was just so happy that Ryuzaki released me and ruled me innocent that I had to come tell you. I didn't realize how late it was though. I decided I would wait till morning to tell you. It's such a beautiful night though that I had to come out here to enjoy it."

Light looked out across the dazzling city, all of the lights sparkling like jewels and rubies. The wind caressed our skin and played with our hair as we gazed towards the dark horizon. The sky was a canvas of dark purple and navy, the stars were pinpricks of light that shone down on us below. The moon was a glorious ivory colour that hovered gracefully in the sky. It was beautiful and peaceful. It was almost awe-inspiring.

"Etsuko?"

Without turning to face Light, I whispered as I continued to gaze at the city, "Yes, Light?"

I felt his hand come down on my wrist and charm bracelet. I realized I was still wearing it and was a little puzzled as to why I hadn't removed it when I had gone to bed like I did every night. I didn't linger on it though and waited for Light to speak.

"I'm so happy that you trusted me through all of this." His voice was soft and pleased.

"Of course, Light."

I heard a faint rattling sound, but Light's voice continued on a little bit louder. "And I'm so glad that you never gave up on me this whole time."

I smiled to myself and nodded. "I would never give up on you."

The rattling sound grew a little bit louder and sounded closer. Some of the lights in the downtown office buildings went out.

"And I know that I can count on you whenever I need your support," Light continued, his voice increasingly growing more confident. I couldn't help but notice that his voice had also taken on a bit of a gravely undertone.

I nodded again and responded as I watched some dark clouds pass over the moon, "For sure, Light, for sure."

The rattling sound grew louder and it turned more into a jangling, clattering sound that sounded very close. I frowned, but refrained from turning away from the sky, which I had noticed had become darker. It seemed the city smog had extinguished the stars. Several more city lights went out. The wind had picked up and, instead of being pleasantly cool, it was bitterly cold.

Light's hand wrapped around my wrist even more and tightly squeezed it. His voice was low and hoarse. But still I didn't look at him, but only listened as he leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "Good. Very good."

Suddenly, all of the city lights went out and the sky became enshrouded with thick, black smoke. The wind howled and cried as it whipped across our faces. The moon and stars were gone. And Light's grasp grew ever stronger and tighter.

I finally tore my eyes away from the city landscape and turned to Light. His calm, peaceful smile was gone and instead a cruel, sinister smirk was plastered on his face. The grin seemed to take up most of his face; it looked outlandishly large and wide. His nostrils were flared, yet his breathing was frighteningly shallow and calm. And his eyes were wild with a crazed frenzy of control and power and supreme arrogance.

And then I saw the chain.

There was a chain connected to my charm bracelet. It was heavy and cold and made from strong, solid metal. There was a huge mound of it coiled up on the ground. My eyes roamed upwards and I realized that Light was grasping the other end of it firmly in his other hand. He gripped it with no intention of ever letting it go.

"You'll see, Etsuko. Everything will be different once I'm through with the world." Light continued to smile crazily at me, his eyes blazing with a smoldering hatred.

It was then that I felt something wet and sticky on my hands. I yanked my hands away from the balcony railing and noticed they were drenched in some type of liquid. The sky lit up with a sudden bolt of lightning and I realized with horror that it was blood. The air suddenly reeked of the smell of it, that iron and salty smell of blood. The air was hot and suffocating with the stench.

The scream that escaped my throat was yanked away by the wind and was carried far away where no one could hear it. I stumbled to the balcony door and tried to pry it open, but it wouldn't give. And all along the sky grew darker, the wind wailed louder, the stench of blood grew thicker, and Light grew stronger.

He yanked on the chain and I tripped and stumbled towards him. With one lunging movement of his arm, he threw the heaping amount of chain over the balcony. And as he flashed his pitiless smile at me, he whispered mockingly, "Nobody disobeys Kira, cousin."

And with that he pushed me over the balcony and I fell, the length of chain already falling before me. And I fell and fell, deeper into the darkness. My screams were silent as I fell into nothingness.

**...**

I woke up from my nightmare drenched in sweat, huffing and puffing as I tried to catch my breath. I held my head in my hands and tried to get back to reality.

_It was just a dream. Just a nightmare. None of it was real. _

I quickly turned to the side and let out a shaky breath of relief when I saw the balcony door was closed. Just like it always was when I went to bed.

I flopped back down into bed and covered my face with my hands. I was at that weird state of mind after a nightmare where I had the urge to nervously laugh, but also to cry a little. I was badly shaken.

"H-how could I have dreamt such a thing? How could I have even dreamt Light like that?" I whispered into the darkness of my room.

It appeared my fears and worries regarding Light were stronger than I thought. They had followed me into my dreams.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at my door. It was very soft, so soft I thought I had imagined it. But then it knocked again and I instantly sat up in bed, alarmed and frightened. I sat staring across the room at the door, wondering if I was still dreaming.

I couldn't tell for sure, since it was so dark in my room, but I thought I saw the door open and someone enter. Yes, there was indeed a shadowy figure lurking by the door and it slowly approached the foot of my bed.

Before the figure got any closer, I loudly commanded with just a tiny hint of a frightened waver to my voice, "Who is that?!"

The figure stopped in its tracks and, after a beat of silence, softly spoke. "Ryuzaki."

All of a sudden, my fear and alarm vanished and I was confused. But I was mostly angry.

"W-what the hell are you doing in my room? At..." I quickly glanced at my alarm clock to see the time. I whipped my head back at Ryuzaki and continued, "...at 2:30 in the morning!?"

Ryuzaki shifted slightly on the spot. "I was under the impression that when someone knocks, the appropriate response is to answer. You didn't answer the door so I had no other choice but to enter."

"The appropriate and normal response at 2:30 in the morning is to be sound asleep, not sitting around waiting for someone to come knocking! The appropriate and normal course of action is to wait until a more reasonable hour to ask for someone!" I growled, as I threw back the blankets and stood facing Ryuzaki. I couldn't believe he was in my room in the middle of the night and didn't see a problem with that! His rudeness and weirdness never seemed to amaze me.

"But you weren't sound asleep when I came into your room, Miss Yagami. Having difficulty sleeping? Having some worrisome thoughts perhaps?" Ryuzaki drawled out in his unfeeling tone of voice.

I swear I could feel his interrogative eyes staring at me through the darkness. Like I was going to tell him what I was just dreaming about.

_Yeah, I just woke up from one of the worst nightmares I've ever had. I dreamt that Light really was Kira and that he had me in chains like a slave and then, when I tried to get away from him, he threw me over the balcony. Doesn't that sound like a bad one, Ryuzaki? Pretty terrifying, right? Care to dissect what my subconscious is trying to tell me, 'cause I'm sure you have plenty of theories about that._

"What do you want?" I grumbled, trying hard to stare back at him as well, although it was hard in the dark.

"Your opinion, Miss Yagami."

I shook my head slightly, thinking I had misheard him. "My opinion?"

"Yes. If you would be so kind as to follow me into the main sitting area." Ryuzaki was already turning back towards the door.

"Couldn't this...couldn't this wait until morning?"

"Technically, it was morning a couple of hours ago," drawled Ryuzaki as he exited my bedroom, confident that I would follow after him.

And, of course, knowing that arguing with him was useless, I followed after him grudgingly.

I trailed after him into the main sitting area. Set up near the far wall was the television. I was surprised to see that the screen was black and that the footage of the three "confinees" was not presently being displayed. I couldn't help but be suspicious.

"You're not watching my cousin through the cameras anymore?"

Ryuzaki hopped up on one of the chairs and sipped at a cup of coffee. "Watari is monitoring the live broadcast of those in confinement. He is to tell me immediately if something happens. At the present moment though, I am more interested in camera footage of your cousin that occurred this afternoon."

"Something happened this afternoon with my cousin and you didn't tell me? But Matsuda promised me that I would be updated if something happened!"

Ryuzaki slurped loudly. "You are being updated, Miss Yagami. This is the most opportune time for you to watch the footage."

_2:30 in the morning is opportune time? Maybe for you who never sleeps! But for any normal person, I think not._

"Please sit, Miss Yagami." Ryuzaki motioned to the chair seated directly across from the television.

I didn't continue to argue and just huffed softly to myself. I plunked myself down on the chair and watched silently as Ryuzaki fiddled with the remote control.

"I want you to tell me what you think about this taped footage of Light," Ryuzaki murmured as he continued to rewind the tape in the VCR.

And that's when I realized that he was asking me to do something. He wanted me to do something for him. He was...using me.

"Wait a second," I abruptly said. Ryuzaki turned slightly towards me and stared at me as he waited for me to continue. I crossed my arms and tried to appear stern and resolute.

"Why should I help you? After all of the things you've done and said, why should I help you? It was part of the agreement that you wouldn't use me for anything."

"I'm just asking for your opinion, Miss Yagami. I wasn't aware that asking for one's opinion was using someone."

I shook my head, dismissing what he said even if it did make some sense. "Asking for my opinion or using me for something, it doesn't matter. I don't trust you. How could I possibly trust you?"

Ryuzaki was ready with an answer, as if he anticipated such a reaction from me. "Your uncle and cousin trust me. They trusted me enough to confine them for an indefinite amount of time. If they can trust me, why can't you, Miss Yagami?"

"Because you've tricked me before! You had me asking Light questions to get information out of him without me knowing! You made me believe that you didn't suspect Light of anything, when really you suspected him of Kira all along! And I bet if I didn't see the video footage a few days ago, you would've never told me about my uncle's and cousin's confinement."

Ryuzaki's eyes darkened and I knew he was still annoyed that I had burst in on the scene of the camera footage a few days ago. He was quick to unveil the hypocrisy I spoke.

"Running away to tell the rest of your family what was going on wasn't a very trusting move, Miss Yagami. And that's only one example of how you haven't been very trustful since you've been here."

I thought of the time I had run away from Matsuda in the hospital and had texted Light to meet up with him, clearly against Ryuzaki's orders. And I also thought of the numerous conversations between Light and I in our secret communication style that Ryuzaki didn't even know about. But it was all irrelevant according to me, since it was all to help Light.

"I don't want to do anything that could potentially hurt Light," I continued to argue on.

Ryuzaki's eyes were fixed on the television as he continued to rewind the tape. "What if I told you that your opinion may help Light out in his current situation?"

That was an easy question to answer. "I wouldn't believe you."

It was the type of answer that Ryuzaki was looking for and expecting from me. He turned to me and stared at me intently with his thumb in his mouth.

"So you believe that I don't want Light to be helped? That I would want your opinion to hinder Light, instead of assist him? I was under the impression that Light and I were working together, Miss Yagami. It appears you're under the impression that your cousin and I are against one another."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I realized that Ryuzaki had trapped me with my answer that I had so easily and willingly provided.

Ryuzaki continued darkly, his eyes never leaving mine, "Tell me, Miss Yagami. If Light and I are on different sides, and I'm working towards capturing Kira, then where does that put your cousin?"

I turned away from Ryuzaki and stared at the television, trying to figure out how to answer him. It scared me though how he had caught me off guard. And how much his words bothered me.

_Why do I think that Ryuzaki and Light are against each other? They work together, are decent to one another from what I've seen. Hell, they apparently consider each other friends. And they have the same goal: To catch Kira. And Light trusts Ryuzaki. Really, Ryuzaki has done more things to negatively affect my life than Light's probably. And didn't Matsuda say that Ryuzaki just wants to cover all of the angles, that it really isn't anything personal? So why is it so hard for me to consider them on the same side? Why do I continue to doubt that Ryuzaki really wants to help Light?_

I couldn't find an answer to my internal questions and shot back at Ryuzaki, ignoring his last question, "I just...I just don't trust you. You could twist my words in order to make Light look guiltier."

Ryuzaki answered swiftly, "What would be the point in that? I want the truth more than anyone else. Whether Light is innocent or guilty, the evidence will prove it, no matter what words come out of your mouth, Miss Yagami. In the end, the solid, objective evidence is what will be the deciding factor as to your cousin's fate."

Ryuzaki paused to sip at his coffee and then proceeded to continue where he had left off from his last question that had rendered me speechless. "You still seem quite preoccupied with this whole notion that I am against Light and want him to look guilty. I struggle to understand why you are so firm in this sentiment."

Oh, but I knew what he was trying to get at with asking me such questions and saying such things. He always had some underhanded plan and I had a sneaking suspicion of what he wanted me to confess to.

He wanted me to admit that I was frightened. Not just frightened _for _Light, but also frightened _of _Light. He wanted me to come out and say that I was suspicious of the way Light had been behaving lately. He wanted me to openly admit that I was aware that something was going on with my cousin.

Strangely enough, Ryuzaki's desire for me to admit this didn't make me angry towards him. Because what he wanted me to admit was nothing more than the truth. Perhaps Ryuzaki was frustrated that I wasn't being honest with him, even if they were my own suspicions I was hiding from him.

As if he was reading my mind, he muttered lowly, "Strange how you hate it when others lie and hide things from you, Miss Yagami, but you have no problem with lying and hiding things from others."

And that's when I realized, almost like Ryuzaki's words were the switch that turned the imagery light bulb on, that giving my opinion and thoughts to Ryuzaki was not what I was really, truly afraid of, but that the very opinions and thoughts that I held within myself frightened me.

_I'm scared of what will be revealed on this videotape. I'm scared what I'll think when I watch it. I'm scared that I'll come to some type of realization that I won't want to recognize. I'm scared that...I'm scared that Light is...that Light is..._

Before I could think of a retort to spit back at Ryuzaki, the truth fumbled out of my mouth, "I'm...I'm afraid of the truth. I'm afraid of what it will bring."

Ryuzaki's eyes bulged and he suddenly stopped before he took a sip of his coffee; he appeared to be surprised that I had actually answered truthfully.

He took a quick slurp of his drink and then accusingly fired back, "So you're content with living with lies instead?"

I slouched back into the chair, uncomfortable with his question.

_How much longer until I can't be blissfully ignorant anymore? How much longer until I realize that Ryuzaki actually speaks some sense? How much longer can I go on pretending that there isn't something serious going on with Light?_

My father had advised about giving people a second chance. Perhaps Ryuzaki was not the only one who deserved that second opportunity. Perhaps I deserved such a chance to toss some of my fear and worry behind and just take the leap towards trusting him and the truth. I'd burn that bridge of ignorance and use the fire of truth to light my way towards a clearer understanding. However hard and terrifying such a truth it may be, I felt that I needed to embrace it. And not just for my sake, but for Light's as well. We both deserved to know it.

I let out a long sigh and sat up a bit straighter in my seat. I muttered with as much resolve as I could muster, "Fine."

Ryuzaki paused from his sipping and stared at me over the rim of his cup. "Care to elaborate?"

I rolled my eyes and hoped he wouldn't see in the dimness of the room. As if he didn't already know what I was referring to.

"You can show me the videotaped footage of Light. And I'll...I'll give you my opinion."

Ryuzaki uncrouched from his chair and shuffled over to the TV. "Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Yagami."

_Yeah, you should be thanking me. I still don't know if I really want to do this or not._

I silently waited as he finished rewinding the tape and mentally prepared myself for what I was going to see. I readied myself for the worst (of what the worst could be, I had no idea).

"Just say whatever comes to your mind," Ryuzaki muttered as he pressed 'play' and crouched back in his seat. I could feel his eyes on me, watching intently.

The first image I saw was Light simply sitting on the floor of his cell. He was hunched over his knees and was staring off into the distance. His hair was covering some of his face, but I could distinctly see the hardness and sternness that clouded his eyes. It was a weird combination of looking bored, angry, and expressionless all at the same time. Images of my nightmare came back to me and I shivered.

_Light, you can't be...you just can't be...Kira..._

I snuck a quick sidelong glance at Ryuzaki and saw that he was still watching me intensely. I tried to cover up my worry by adopting a neutral expression on my face. If I was going to give Ryuzaki any insight, it would be when I wanted. I was determined to not let my face betray my emotions.

Suddenly, Ryuzaki's recorded voice could be heard as he spoke to Light through a speaker.

"**Light, you've only been here for one week. I'm sure it can't be easy. Are you feeling alright?"**

I couldn't believe Ryuzaki was actually asking my cousin if he was alright. Since when did Ryuzaki ever show any concern towards someone else? I quickly pushed away the memory of Ryuzaki when I had mentioned Ukita's name that night, and focused on the video footage.

There was a long pause on the audio, with neither Light nor Ryuzaki saying anything. Light continued to stare off towards the other end of the cell and my stomach lurched with worry and dread.

_He seems so cold and stern and... _

Suddenly, Light looked up and spoke emotionlessly.

"**Yeah, I know I must look pretty bad in here, but this useless pride...I suppose I'll have to...get rid of it!"**

I could hear the springs of the chair creak as Ryuzaki leaned closer in to inspect me. I tried to hide my puzzled frown and eyes by shaking my hair into my face.

_Light getting rid of his pride? But Light has always been a proud individual. Whether or not that is a good or bad thing, his confidence and satisfaction with himself as a person is something he would never so openly admit to. Never mind stating that he wants to get rid of it!_

"Care to share something, Miss Yagami?" Ryuzaki muttered over at the side. I felt his incessant gaze beating down on me, as if it was a spotlight.

"Nope. Nothing yet." I shook my head and disciplined my face into a neutral expression.

Light withdrew into silence and continued to stare with cold, stone eyes towards the other end of the cell. And I realized with a wave of severe nausea that I didn't recognize him. That the young man I was seeing on the videotape was not my cousin.

_He's not acting like Light. All these months have gone by and I can't deny it anymore - he's not himself. He's...no, he can't..._

Suddenly, I felt like I was going to panic. I had a horrible fear that he was going to come out and admit that he was Kira. Based just off of the icy, cold look he had on his face, I was terrified that he was going to admit what Ryuzaki suspected.

My mind frantically began to go over what I would do if such a thing actually happened.

_Okay, okay, I'll just try not to panic too much and I'll remain seated. I'm sure I'll have a panic attack and it's best if I'm seated if it happens. I'm not even going to pay Ryuzaki any attention, but will just numb my mind and try not to focus on anything. I'll – I'll maybe run out of the room and...and I'll find Matsuda! I'll wake him up if I have to! I just don't want to be alone! That...that's what I'll do!_

My frantic thoughts must have registered on my face somewhat, because Ryuzaki leaned closer to me and inquired, "Everything alright, Miss Yagami?"

I nodded quickly, afraid that if I answered him my voice would give away my fear. I clenched the arms of the chair and tried to calm down a bit.

_That's crazy! Light won't admit that he's Kira, because if he did, he would've been arrested and Ryuzaki wouldn't want my opinion or anything like that. I'm just thinking crazy thoughts. Light wouldn't admit that because – because he wouldn't! Because he's not, or, because he's not –_

All of a sudden, something changed on the videotape footage.

Light's unfeeling, detached stare transformed into something all together different.

He suddenly looked around himself in confusion and the audio barely picked up his startled breathing. He blinked a few times and stared towards the opposite wall, not with narrowed, menacing eyes, but with eyes wide-opened with genuine, innocent bewilderment.

I leaned in closer towards the television screen to make sure I wasn't just imagining Light's drastic transformation. In the corner of my eye, I could see Ryuzaki lean in closer as well, but his eyes were still focused on me.

_His gaze really did change. He looks like he's confused and...and even a little frightened. _

Then he addressed the camera.

"**Ryuzaki, I realize that I was the one pushing for confinement and that I asked you to put me in here, but I just realized something important. This whole thing's completely pointless! Because I'm not Kira! You have to get me out of here!"**

I couldn't disguise the surprise on my face and didn't care if Ryuzaki saw it or not (he probably did, considering how closely he was scrutinizing my face). My heart pattered wildly as I digested Light's vehemently spoken words.

_He admitted that the confinement was not necessary! That he's not Kira! Why didn't he say any of that earlier on? Has he finally come to his senses? Does he realize he made a mistake about the whole confinement thing? Why now? Why did he choose that moment to say it? _

Ryuzaki's recorded voice interrupted my thoughts as it echoed from the speakers.

"**I can't do that. I promised you that no matter what you said I wouldn't let you out until I was convinced that you are not Kira."**

I clenched my teeth and turned to Ryuzaki with anger, as if he had just spoken those words instead of his recorded voice. He stared back at me, expectant and waiting for me to say something.

But my biting retort aimed towards him for refusing to let my cousin out of confinement abruptly vanished from my thoughts as I thought over the whole situation.

_Matsuda told me that Light had asked Ryuzaki to not let him out until Ryuzaki was convinced that Light is innocent, no matter what he said or did. Ryuzaki was only keeping his promise that he made to Light. And Light knows that. So, why is he so adamantly asking for release when he himself asked Ryuzaki to make that promise? Why the sudden transformation? _

I turned back to the TV, hoping to get some answers to my questions as Light responded back. I noticed that Light's eyes were not confused anymore, but were determined and steadfast. And his voice did not carry the rough, expressionless tone that he had had earlier on in the tape, but now sounded borderline desperate.

"**Please, L, I wasn't thinking clearly! Do you really think a serial killer like Kira could commit those crimes without being aware of them? If I have no memory of his crimes, I'm not him!" **

"What?" I gasped out, unable to withhold my utter puzzlement. I think Ryuzaki realized that I wasn't going to address him until the whole video footage was over, and silently continued to watch me.

_Matsuda told me that Light had proposed the whole theory of Kira committing his crimes subconsciously. Why is he suddenly going back on his own theory? He sounds like he genuinely believes what he's saying though. And Light wouldn't so easily admit that he wasn't thinking clearly unless it was true. I'm just so...confused._

Ryuzaki's recorded voice responded to Light, reaffirming my cousin's sudden change of theory.

"**I've never been able to accept this idea that Kira has been acting without self-awareness this whole time. But that doesn't change the fact that the evidence points to you being Kira. Since we've imprisoned you, Kira hasn't committed a single murder."**

The reminder that no criminals had been killed recently briefly brought about a wave of worry, but then I began to wonder about the evidence Ryuzaki was speaking of. Matsuda barely was able to give me any details about why Ryuzaki suspected Light, but from the little he was able to tell me, it sounded like pretty weak evidence. Like Matsuda had mentioned before, it could all be a coincidence that criminals hadn't been killed since Light had been confined.

And Light just sounded so...sincere and honest. He meant what he was saying.

Light's tone of voice increasingly grew louder and more frantic. He was practically yelling at the camera and his eyes blazed with fierce earnestness.

"**Listen, just hear me out. I swear to you, I'm not lying! You have to believe me! I am not Kira! I must have been framed, that's the only explanation for this! You have to let me out! We're wasting time!"**

And that's when my worry transformed into a different sort of distress. At the beginning of the videotape, I had actually been worried that Light could have been...could have been...Kira. But the present footage of Light had morphed my worry into concern directed towards Light. I was worried _for_ him! He seemed so afraid and desperate and eager to convince Ryuzaki to release him. I felt distressed seeing him so distressed. I noticed that the new form of anxiety I felt was more manageable than the type I had being experiencing before Light had changed so dramatically.

And each time he fiercely yelled that he wasn't Kira, a tinge of hope echoed inside of me.

Ryuzaki's voice responded calmly to Light's frantic yells.

"**We can't let you out yet."**

I watched as Light leaned forward and hung his head down. He seemed suddenly exhausted with his efforts at getting Ryuzaki to listen.

"**Damn. Why is this happening?"**

He continued to sit forward, his head down and his breathing heavy. His words of frustration and desperation were the last spoken on the audio. And, apparently, it was the last portion of the videotape that Ryuzaki wanted me to watch.

He slowly untangled himself from his crouched position on the chair and stopped the tape. The screen went blue and the sudden silence felt heavy and oppressive. Ryuzaki poured another cup of coffee for himself and stared directly at me with an anticipative gaze.

"So?"

It was his one-word request for me to start speaking. I took a deep breath and tried to put all of my scrambled thoughts into comprehensible words.

"I don't really know what to make of it, but...there were a couple of things I noticed."

Ryuzaki waited for me to continue; for the first time, it seemed he was more determined to listen than to speak.

"At first, I couldn't believe how...how stern he looked. How emotionless he looked. He's looked that way before. For the past few months, it's increasingly grown worse. And..." I stopped short, hesitant to say what I wanted to, but took the plunge into giving Ryuzaki some of my trust and carried on. "And, it's scared me. Light...Light has frightened me. With his sudden, fierce looks of irritation to his distantness and...and just seeing my cousin like that really bothers me. Really worries me. But then, later on in the footage..."

My lips upturned a little at the ends into what could have been a small attempt at a smile. I continued more confidently.

"He changed. Something about him changed. He didn't look angry, or irritated, or expressionless, or whatever anymore, but instead he looked..."

I looked down suddenly as I felt tears well up at the backs of my eyes. I tried to hold them back, but a few tears escaped and trailed down my cheeks. Ryuzaki's quick eyes noticed before I could wipe them away and commented on them.

"You're crying, Miss Yagami."

I sniffed and finished where I had trailed off. "Instead he looked like himself again. He was distressed and confused, yes, but...but he sounded and looked like himself. The way he did months ago. The way he did before this whole stupid investigation began."

There was a moment of silence as I reflected on the distress and puzzlement that Light had demonstrated on the tape. I couldn't help but nervously laugh a little bit as I realized what it all meant.

Ryuzaki craned his neck outwards at an outlandish angle and stared at me with a perplexed gaze.

"First tears, now laughter. Quite the curious reactions, Miss Yagami."

I laughed a little bit more at how confused Ryuzaki was over my behaviour. I wouldn't expect a normal person to correctly interpret my behaviour, never mind an individual like Ryuzaki who seemed emotionally-stunted.

"During that first bit of the tape, I was really worried and scared by...by the idea that Light could be Kira. It still seems like a ridiculous idea, but based off of how he has been acting lately, I couldn't help but consider such a thought. However much it scared me."

Ryuzaki seemed to have forgotten his coffee, which he hadn't touched since I had started talking. He watched me carefully, at times looking at my mouth instead of my eyes, as if he thought he was going to actually see the words that left my mouth.

"But then, like I said, he changed and seemed more like himself. I was crying with happiness because he seemed like the cousin I know, the cousin I've known my whole life. And I was laughing with relief because Light...because Light can't possibly be Kira."

"How do you explain his behaviour at the beginning of the tape though, Miss Yagami? Moreover, how do you explain his distant, stern behaviour over the past couple of months that has scared you so?" Ryuzaki asked swiftly, but his tone wasn't harsh or mocking. He sounded like he genuinely wanted to know my answer.

I shook my head slightly and slowly responded, "I...I can't explain it."

I suddenly turned towards Ryuzaki and directly faced him. I held his unwavering gaze, determined to get my point across to him.

"Listen, I don't know why Light has been acting the way he has recently. Something must be bothering him or negatively affecting him or something, but I have no explanation whatsoever for what it could be. All I know is that he's not Kira. That he's telling the truth when he says that he's innocent."

"How do you know that?" Ryuzaki quickly questioned, but once again he didn't sound like he was trying to corner me or make me slip up; he seemed genuinely curious.

"I know my cousin well enough that he doesn't like to be seen as weak or vulnerable or even upset. He hates looking like that, even if it meant he had to pretend to look like that! Light wouldn't have acted so open in his distress and given in so willingly to his anguish unless he really meant it, unless he was so dead-set in his conviction and couldn't contain the distress it caused him anymore. And, furthermore..."

I leaned forward in my chair towards Ryuzaki and kept constant eye contact with him. I continued with the same determination.

"...I know it sounds completely biased or subjective or whatever, but I can tell that Light isn't lying. I've been able to detect him lying before, and this isn't one of those situations. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I just know that he's telling the truth. Couldn't you tell that he was telling the truth when he so adamantly said he wasn't Kira, Ryuzaki?"

Ryuzaki was silent and, instead of me breaking eye contact, it was him who suddenly looked away towards a corner of the room. It looked like he was weighing options or thoughts in his mind, but his blank stare revealed nothing of what those options or thoughts were.

Suddenly, he turned back to me and posed another question, instead of answering mine. "What if the task force and I, and your uncle, all thought that he was lying? What would you think then?"

Whereas months before I would wonder if he was actually telling the truth or was genuinely asking what I thought, now I knew that he was sneakily trying to get me to answer a certain way and was, in fact, lying. I highly doubted anyone on the task force doubted Light's innocence, and I knew that Uncle Soichiro thought Light innocent. Ryuzaki was just trying to determine how firm I was in my opinion.

_He can't help it but be sneaky with getting answers..._

I confidently answered without a blink of an eye, "I would still believe and claim that Light is innocent. That he is not Kira. I know what I saw."

In the dim lighting of the room, I could barely make out Ryuzaki's dark pupils rapidly scanning my face. He leaned in towards me until he was evading my personal space, but I withheld my discomfort as he continued to study my expression. I wanted him to know how serious, how dead-set I was in my conviction.

After what felt like several minutes, Ryuzaki leaned back in his chair and muttered dryly around his thumb, "I believe you are telling me the truth, Miss Yagami..."

_So, he believes that Light is innocent, too!_

"...about your feelings regarding the footage of Light."

My shoulders slumped a little bit as I realized he simply believed that I was expressing my opinion honestly, and not necessarily that what I was actually contesting to was the truth.

I needed to at least try to find out what he thought of the video footage.

"Ryuzaki, what...what do you think of it all? Do you think that Light is telling the truth in the footage?" I asked with a slight tremble to my voice, nervous and eager to hear his response.

But I shouldn't have been worried. I should have known better when it came to asking Ryuzaki questions.

"You've given me some things to consider. Thank you, Miss Yagami." Ryuzaki drawled out in his emotionless voice and turned slightly away from me in his chair.

I realized he wasn't going to give me any form of answer that contained substance to it. He wasn't going to reveal anything. And his 'thank you' was another way of him telling me that I had served my purpose and that I could leave and go back to bed.

I should have been annoyed and disappointed that I didn't get any answer from him (okay, maybe I was a little bit), but as I left the room, I couldn't help but notice the strange look on his face which seemed to settle my feelings of irritation.

His brow was slightly creased and he was gnawing on his thumb pad more fiercely than he usually did. And his eyes were crinkled around the edges and rapidly darted around the wall that he was staring at.

He, dare I say it, looked confused. He looked like he was stumped on something.

And I realized as I walked back to my room, that maybe Ryuzaki didn't have all the answers. That maybe he really did want to know my opinion. That maybe I had actually given him some food for thought.

I didn't get much more sleep that night. I lay awake going over the video footage in my head multiple times, trying to figure out exactly what had happened during that recording. Why did Light suddenly transform so drastically? What was really going on with him? What was he possibly thinking during that whole recording?

The chance I took with taking the plunge, with burning my bridges, awakened something within me. Taking the chance to witness the truth, to watch the videotape footage, had confused me even more and hadn't provided a lot of clarity. But I knew, I was convinced, that Light wasn't Kira. Something was going on with him though, and I needed to find out. My desire for more knowledge was what had woken up quite suddenly and unexpectedly.

I knew that Light was probably going to be in confinement for a little while longer, if I was going to be realistic. I planned on asking, on even demanding, that Ryuzaki allow me to continue to watch the footage of my cousin. It was the only way I knew how to find out what Light was experiencing, what was going on with him. It was the only way I was going to figure out the truth.

And for once, my nervousness and fright were not the only feelings I was experiencing when it came to discovering the truth. I was also curious and eager, which fuelled my desire to not be left in the dark anymore.

**...**

**A/N: Always appreciate feedback of any kind! Let me know what you'd like to see more of or what you wouldn't like to see and I'll try to accommodate! Thanks for reading as always! **


	15. Chapter 15

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: Soooo...I really feel like I need to apologize for such a late update. I actually had this chapter complete about a week and a half ago, but the website was not allowing me to upload this chapter for whatever reason. Coupled with weeks of writer's block, this update is unfashionably late. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless!**

**This chapter is dedicated to "PhoenixPhlame" for your words of wisdom and encouragement.**

Chapter 15

"_I won't hold back. I won't hold back for fear. Too long it's tried to rule my years." – Joe Zambon_

**...**

It was a miraculous day when Ryuzaki permitted me to watch more of the video footage of Light.

I didn't even have to argue or persist for too long before he announced that I would be allowed to view updates of Light. We came to an unspoken agreement that any unremarkable footage would not be brought to my attention, since I didn't really need to see my cousin sit silently for endless hours at a time. Matsuda and Aizawa were also made aware of my right to watch footage of Light that was deemed worthy of watching. Or in other words, any footage that showed Light changing or saying something noteworthy.

Although I was shocked that Ryuzaki was so agreeable with allowing me to watch footage of Light, it really didn't surprise me all that much when I thought about it. I reflected on the stumped expression that he had worn on his face that night he had asked for my opinion, and wondered if he was still puzzled over something. I wondered if he wanted me on demand to offer my opinion again if something with Light changed.

For the next week and a bit, nothing changed with Light. I kept expecting something to occur or for him to make another drastic announcement of some sort, but it never happened. Instead, he continuously argued that he was not Kira and that he must have been framed for the whole thing. I would briefly catch a glimpse of the camera footage of him when I came back from school, and each time I was relieved to see that the hardened, cold expression that he had worn on his face for months was absent. It made me wonder all the more what exactly was going on with him. I began to think that I wasn't going to get an answer until I saw him face-to-face, instead of through a camera's lens.

**...**

"And then when he, he..." I tried to withhold a snort of laughter, but failed and continued to laugh as I finished my sentence. "...he made that face, I completely lost it! I didn't think I would find it so funny!"

Matsuda chuckled softly across from me in his seat on the balcony. The evening was pleasantly cool and we had decided to take our conversation outside onto the balcony.

I wiped the tears of mirth from my eyes and tried to tell myself that Matsuda was enjoying himself. But I couldn't deny it any longer that something had been bothering him all evening. He had pretty much been his usual, cheerful self when he had come knocking on my door to hang out. We ended up watching a favorite TV show of his since we had grown tired of playing cards. We had watched the show before and I had tolerated it, not finding it particularly humorous. But Matsuda found it funny and would always laugh loudly and joyfully when watching it, so I was okay with joining in. I secretly enjoyed just watching Matsuda laugh along with the laugh track that was added into the show.

But today, Matsuda didn't laugh too much. And when he did his laughter was restrained and somewhat forced. Furthermore, during the commercial breaks he looked concerned about something as he had stared intently at his hands, going over something in his head. It was surprisingly one of the only times I had found the show funny and I couldn't enjoy it with Matsuda. Something was bothering him and, as we sat on the balcony after the show had ended, I felt I had to ask him what was troubling him.

"Matsuda, is something bothering you?"

Matsuda quickly looked up at me (he had been staring worriedly down at his hands again) and just stared at me for a second without saying anything. His eyes moved rapidly across mine, and it looked like he was on the verge of answering by the way he opened his mouth slightly and would then nibble on his lower lip. I waited patiently, reminding myself that Matsuda had been patient with me many times.

Suddenly, Matsuda snapped out of his silent, nervous reverie and answered firmly, "No. Everything's okay, Etsuko." He managed to plaster one of his big cheesy smiles on his face, but I could tell it wasn't genuine. He had developed a knack of seeing through my defenses and, unbeknownst to him, I was beginning to develop the same insight into when he wasn't being completely honest.

As much as I wanted to pry further, I restrained myself, reminding myself that Matsuda didn't pry when I had my walls erected. He always gave me time to come around and tell him what was on my mind, so I would do the same for him, however hard that could be.

"Etsuko, uh, before I forget...Ryuzaki wants to speak with you tomorrow morning."

I straightened up in my seat and asked hopefully, "Why? Did something happen with Light?"

Matsuda shifted uneasily in his chair and stuttered, "Uh, I-I don't know exactly. I mean, you'll find out tomorrow when you meet with him. Tha-that's all I can say."

I noticed that Matsuda somewhat folded into himself and slouched further into the balcony chair. He busied himself with playing with the cuff of his suit jacket sleeve, which he had draped across his lap. He continued to chew nervously on his lower lip and I had the feeling that he was conflicted with something.

"It's a beautiful evening, isn't it? Not too cold, not too hot. It should be a nice summer," Matsuda randomly stated as he gazed out towards the downtown buildings. It didn't take much for me to realize that he was trying to steer the conversation away from my meeting with Ryuzaki tomorrow.

Perhaps it was because I wasn't used to seeing Matsuda so sullen and wanted him to cheer up that I said what I did next. Or maybe it was because I just wanted to see his reaction, however nervous I was to witness it. Or perhaps I was curious to see what type of reaction I would experience with Matsuda's answer. But I think the main reason was that I wanted to be vulnerable with Matsuda. He had been open with me so many times that I wanted to show him that I could be open as well. That I could break past some of my defenses. That I could swallow back some of that fear of rejection.

Of course, I still didn't just come out and say what I wanted to, but indirectly tried to get his answer.

I breathed slowly out and quietly said, in somewhat of an off-handed manner, "Nice enough evening to say, I don't know, go to Aoyama for some shopping or something."

I was surprised to see Matsuda shrug and then in a similar off-handed way respond, "Or Shibuya if it isn't too crowded. Lots of things to look at there."

Matsuda seemed content on moving on to a more light-hearted topic, so he had cheered up to some extent. But he wasn't catching on to what I was trying to get at.

I inched forward in my seat and tried again by speaking with a more concentrated tone. I couldn't believe I was being so bold, but so eager I was in receiving an answer from him.

"Or Aoyama. It's a nice place to, you know, rediscover. Especially with someone else."

Matsuda blinked and then realization flashed across his eyes. He suddenly turned to me, mouth slightly open in a small 'O' shape. I timidly smiled; suddenly I was shy, now that he had realized what I was trying to get at.

"You...you're referring to when I asked you if you wanted to...when we were in Aoyama and I asked if you wanted to come back, just the...just the two of us," Matsuda rambled, his eyes wide and shining dimly with the memory when we had been in Aoyama with Light and his university friends.

I nodded, feeling slightly bashful and even a tad embarrassed for reasons I did not know. My voice was almost a whisper as I squeaked out, "Yep. That was what I was referring to."

Matsuda nervously laughed and fiddled with the edge of his tie. He shook his head slightly and groaned quietly, "I'm such an idiot."

All of a sudden, my shyness disappeared as I sat up straighter in my seat and softly scolded, "Don't say that! Why do you say that about yourself?"

Matsuda dismissively shrugged with one shoulder and snorted softly, "Everyone else says..." He trailed off quietly and intently gazed towards the dark horizon. Although he was trying to appear flippant, I could see the hurt behind his eyes.

I smoldered with anger. I had on occasion heard Ryuzaki call Matsuda an idiot when I would pass by the main sitting area where the task force worked. And even Aizawa seemed to become annoyed with Matsuda on a regular basis and would roll his eyes and snort derisively at some of Matsuda's remarks. I couldn't understand why they treated him that way when Matsuda was giving his all to the investigation. He was one of the few officers who decided to stay and risk his life to help catch Kira, and they mocked him. On occasion I would shoot Ryuzaki a dirty look or begin to say something, but Ryuzaki would cut me off and that was that. I was angry at him and Aizawa for not treating Matsuda right sometimes, but I was also ashamed of myself for not sticking up for Matsuda more.

I huffed softly to myself and stated firmly, "Well, I'm not everyone."

Matsuda looked at me and gave me a crooked smile. The hurt vanished from his eyes and was replaced with gratefulness instead. "Yeah, I know."

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, just staring lazily out at the sparkling downtown. The atmosphere was mildly tense with unspoken intentions and feelings.

Then Matsuda suddenly croaked out, his voice a little higher than it usually was, "Did...did you mean it? What you said about going back to Aoyama, just the two of us?"

I felt a sudden flutter of butterflies in my stomach and tried to keep eye contact with Matsuda. His eyes were determinedly searching mine for an answer and I nervously looked back into his.

I swallowed and nodded slowly, allowing myself to tear down my defenses. "Yes. I did," I sputtered out, my own voice a little out of tune as well.

It all of a sudden felt like my answer was more than just a "yes" to going back to Aoyama with Matsuda. It felt like I was agreeing to something more, was taking a chance on something deeper. I think that Matsuda had realized the same thing, as his searching look transformed into one of gleeful satisfaction with a not-so-subtle glimmer of bashfulness.

The feeling of butterflies in my gut suddenly fluttered up a storm and I unconsciously rested a hand against my stomach. A slightly nervous, giddy feeling came over me as I stared back at Matsuda. I watched as his dress shirt fluttered a bit in the evening breeze, the fabric billowing slightly at his stomach where it had become untucked. I noticed how his hand dangled leisurely across the balcony railing, his fingers randomly picking at some rusted paint on the underside of the railing. I enjoyed watching the wind play with his dark hair, tussling and messing it up so that strands of it fell into his eyes. I sneaked a quick glance at the top of his shirt where one of his buttons had come undone, and I swear I could feel the heat of a blush warm over my face as I thought of the skin underneath that shirt.

The silence between us stretched on and we soaked it up by just looking at one another, trying to figure out exactly what we were feeling and what exactly my "yes" had signified, if anything at all.

_I wonder what he's thinking. What is he feeling and thinking as he looks at me like that? Furthermore, what am I thinking and feeling? What is this ticklish, jittery feeling in my stomach? Why do I only get that feeling when I look at Mats –_

I suddenly was overcome with a possibility that both thrilled and frightened me. I hardly had time to consider it when Matsuda opened his mouth to say something. I was afraid that he had come to the same possibility and I was strangely worried and exited at the same time of what he was going to announce. My nervousness won over and I abruptly started talking in a flustered, panicky voice.

"Of course, we'll have to figure out how to get around Ryuzaki. I mean, we'll have to talk to him about letting me leave the hotel for something besides school. Did you see the lock he had installed on my door? Hopefully we can, you know-"

I was cut off by the presence of Matsuda's hand on my knee. He had an understanding type of smirk on his face that reassured me that I didn't have to continue babbling away. I suddenly was only able to focus on his hand and my breathing picked up a little. The butterflies wrestled with one another in my stomach and my cheeks burned. Matsuda's eyes continued to stare into mine, searching and wondering and delighting. And I stared back with eyes that were nervous and worried and, strangely at the same time, delighted.

The sudden shrill ringing of Matsuda's cell phone startled both of us and we both jumped in our seats. Matsuda's hand was gone in a flash and I turned away towards the edge of the balcony so the wind could cool down my flushed cheeks. I could hear Matsuda answering his phone and mumble responses here and there. It was obviously investigation stuff. He quickly pocketed his phone and turned to me with a regretful look.

"Sorry. Gotta get back to the task force," Matsuda explained as he shrugged on his suit jacket.

"Of course," I replied good-naturedly.

Matsuda showed himself out of my room and I remained on the balcony. The fluttery feeling I had been experiencing in my stomach settled down and I shivered from the wind, having cooled down from the warm spell I had encountered. I closed my eyes and imagined Matsuda sitting on the balcony with his suit jacket off, relaxed and cool. I saw him in my mind's eye lean over and rest his hand on my knee, and my pulse fluttered excitingly as I remembered the intense, searching look in his eyes.

I suddenly opened my eyes and blinked the memories rapidly away. I could have been wrong with what I had seen there behind his eyes, and I myself may have been mistaken with what I was feeling.

"Don't get your hopes up..." I whispered into the wind.

I walked back into my hotel room and slowly slid the balcony door shut, leaving the ticklish feeling and pleasant thoughts out in the cold.

**...**

"Because you don't watch the news or read the newspapers, Miss Yagami, it is my regret to inform you that no new criminals have been killed since Light was confined. That's a full two weeks now."

It was the next morning and I had just entered the main sitting area where Ryuzaki, Matsuda, and Aizawa were waiting for me. The television screen was blue and I expected Ryuzaki wanted to show me some recorded footage of Light.

Ryuzaki's words were not a huge surprise. I had concluded as much, since I would have expected Ryuzaki to inform me if criminals had started dying again. Nonetheless, it still bothered me hearing him tell me, since I still didn't have a plausible explanation of what was going on with Light.

Ryuzaki continued fluidly, too busy with licking his dessert spoon to look me in the eye, "It is regrettable, but it appears that the likelihood of Light being Kira is quite high-"

"I can see why you may think that, but-"

"And the task force members have come to believe that Light is guilty as well."

That caught me off guard and I quickly shot Matsuda and Aizawa a puzzled, questioning look. Aizawa stared determinedly back at me, his lips drawn into a tight, disgruntled frown. Matsuda, on the other hand, refrained from looking me in the eye and was staring forlornly down at his shoes. He wore that same conflicted look that he had had on his face the day before.

"Really?" I uttered faintly, trying to reach Aizawa and Matsuda through the wall of distantness they had built up around themselves.

"Perhaps you will come to the same conclusion once you watch the video footage of Light that was taped yesterday," Ryuzaki slurped out as he licked a large glob of ice cream from his spoon.

I tore my eyes away from Matsuda and faced the television. I silently sat down in front of the TV and waited for Ryuzaki to press the 'play' button. I successfully withheld my disappointment from appearing on my face, but it filled my thoughts.

_How could they think that Light is guilty? Sure, criminals not dying looks a bit suspicious, but it could just be a coincidence or any other type of explanation. How could Matsuda think that Light...?_

The image of Light in his cell appeared on the screen. It almost seemed like he hadn't moved since the last time I had watched footage of him. He was leaning forward, his head bowed lowly. His hair was slightly greasier than the last time I had seen him and he appeared to be a little bit thinner.

Ryuzaki's recorded voice could be heard shortly after the footage started.

"**Hello, Light?"**

Light responded, his voice quiet and tired. I wondered if he got enough sleep or if he was simply exhausted from Ryuzaki hounding him with questions.

"**What is it, Ryuzaki?"**

Ryuzaki droned on.

"**You've been in here just over two weeks and not a single new criminal has been punished. Now why make this harder than it has to be? Are you ready to confess?"**

A remnant of the doubt I had experienced before flared up inside of me. Could Light really be Kira? Is he going to come out and confess it right in front of my eyes? But the moment of doubt lasted for only a second as I remembered the earnestness that Light had spoken with and the genuine innocence that had blazed in his eyes when I had watched the footage of him weeks ago.

My doubt scurried even further away when Light brazenly countered Ryuzaki's recorded voice.

"**Don't be ridiculous. I'm telling you, you're wrong. I understand why you feel that way, but even if the evidence does point to me, I swear to you this is a set-up! I am not Kira!"**

I shifted forward in the chair and zoned in on Light, trying to focus solely on him. I could feel the stares of Ryuzaki and the task force on me, watching me, but I paid them no attention. I focused on only Light's desperate voice, on only his blazing eyes that begged to convince.

"**Zoom in on me if you want. Go ahead, look at my eyes! You tell me, do these look like the eyes of someone who is lying?!"**

I gripped the fabric of my jeans and held my breath. I stared back into my cousin's eyes and a surge of adrenaline-like relief washed over me.

_No, Light, you aren't lying! You are telling the truth! Even if Ryuzaki and the task force don't believe you, I do! I always will!_

I was expecting to hear Ryuzaki's recorded voice shoot back a retort to Light's barefaced admission of innocence, but the screen quickly went back to blue as the present Ryuzaki stopped the tape.

Before he had a chance to ask me anything, I turned directly towards him in my seat and announced firmly, "I still believe he's innocent and telling the truth. And that's that."

Ryuzaki swivelled his finger around the rim of the glass that held his ice cream, large drops of melting vanilla coating his finger. His eyes remained perfectly still though as they targeted my own with a fierce, investigative gaze.

"Even though there is convincing evidence piled against Light and everyone on the task force believes that he is guilty? That seems quite unreasonable, Miss Yagami. Quite deluded even," Ryuzaki answered, his voice heavy with an argumentative tone. He was really trying to convince me that I was wrong.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Matsuda shuffle a bit on the spot and his face contorted into an expression of discomfort. Aizawa noticed his fellow colleague's grimace and leaned over to whisper something in Matsuda's ear. Matsuda nodded slightly and looked behind himself towards the window. His face was hidden from my sight and I couldn't help but wonder what Aizawa had said to him.

Meanwhile, I had to face Ryuzaki's probing questions and accusations. I stared back firmly at him, determined to not be intimidated by him. Determined to not let his words cloud the truth that I knew to be true.

"Ryuzaki, nothing you say will make me believe that my cousin is guilty. He's innocent. No matter what the evidence is or what anyone else believes..." I swallowed as I thought of Matsuda. I continued shamelessly onwards. "...I believe that what Light is saying is the truth."

I suddenly thought of what Light himself had said on the footage and leaned towards Ryuzaki. I could hear him quietly breathing and thought I could even smell the ice cream on his breath.

"Look into my eyes and tell me if I'm lying or not. Do I look like I'm lying to you?" I whispered, my voice choked with an eagerness to be believed.

Ryuzaki's huge eyes blinked only once as he leaned further in towards me, his nose almost touching mine. I gulped, feeling very uncomfortable with him being so close to me. The bags underneath his eyes appeared heavier, the paleness of his cheeks appeared sicklier, and the darkness of his eyes appeared fiercer than ever.

He suddenly released a long, heavy sigh through his nose, his shoulders slouching forwards in almost a relenting manner. He grumbled lowly, "Very well, Miss Yagami."

I took his words as permission to leave and I stood quickly from the chair to exit. I was frustrated with Ryuzaki and the task force. I felt angry that I was the only one who seemed to be sticking up for Light. I couldn't understand why Ryuzaki kept asking for my opinion, but he didn't seem to really consider it or use it to shape his own perception of what was going on with Light. It was almost like he wanted to embarrass me by asking for my opinion. Maybe I was being too sensitive, but I couldn't help but feel that I was being tested or being the butt of a joke or something. Either way, I didn't want to be around Ryuzaki or the task force after hearing that they didn't see eye-to-eye with me regarding Light.

Ryuzaki didn't seem to have a problem with me leaving the room, but as soon as I reached the threshold to the main sitting area, he asked me languidly, "Did Light ever inform you that he was going to turn himself in for confinement, Miss Yagami?"

I narrowed my eyes in annoyance, even though my back was turned to him and he couldn't see me. As if he didn't already have the answer to that question. There were cameras in my room and in the hallway right outside my bedroom to capture any moment I had with Light. Ryuzaki knew that Light hadn't told me about his plan. Why was he asking then?

I decided to entertain his bullshit question anyways and snapped back, "No, he didn't. What does it matter?"

I heard Ryuzaki slurp up another spoonful of ice cream before answering dryly, "It simply appears odd to me that you are so close to your cousin and yet he didn't tell you his plan to go ahead with confinement."

I balled my hands into fists and dismissively responded, "He probably didn't want to worry me, that's all."

Ryuzaki slurped long and loudly and then nonchalantly replied, "Yes, I'm sure that's what it is."

But I could hear the faint tone of disbelief in his voice and I cringed with anger as I headed off to my room.

_Pftt, he doesn't believe me? What, is he implying that Light didn't care enough to tell me that he was planning to go into confinement? That Light isn't as close to me as I think he is?_

It was only later on when I realized that the reason I was so annoyed with Ryuzaki implying such a thing was because I worried if there was any truth to his words.

"Etsuko!"

I turned around and found myself facing Matsuda. He was breathing quite heavily, even though it only took him a couple of seconds to get from the main sitting area to the hallway that we were now standing in. He was having difficulty looking me in the eye and his hands were constantly wringing the bottom half of his tie.

I have to admit, I wasn't waiting very patiently for him to say something. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, my arms crossed, and my face anything but cheerful. I couldn't help wearing the annoyed frown that was plastered on my face, and my brow was furrowed with lines of aggravation. I was pissed off.

Matsuda eventually croaked out in a timid voice, "Everything's going to be okay-"

"How can you believe that Light is guilty? How can you possibly think that?!" I interrupted him, my voice sharp and high-pitched.

Matsuda flinched from my accusation and stuttered out, "I...I..."

"I can understand Ryuzaki, but you and Aizawa? You told me that the task force thought Light innocent and now I'm the only one who has any faith in Light," I exclaimed, fuming with pent up feelings of frustration and betrayal.

"Your uncle still believes Light is innocent!" Matsuda offered hopefully, his eager eyes meeting my smoldering ones.

"Thank goodness for that! At least I still have someone to count on!"

My words were like a physical blow to Matsuda and he stumbled backwards slightly. His hands left his very crumpled tie and dropped to his sides. He immediately looked hurt; his eyes grew watery and his forehead creased with lines of distress.

I was surprised that even though I was still upset with him, I felt sorry for having said what I did. I didn't like seeing him sad.

I took a step towards him and held one hand out imploringly. I apologized softly, "Matsuda, I'm sorry. I just thought you-"

"No, don't apologize to me, Etsuko," Matsuda quickly insisted, his voice not hurt but filled with shame instead. "You have every right to be upset with me."

I sighed, shook my head, and protested quietly, "No, I don't, it's just-"

"No, really, Etsuko. You do," Matsuda firmly cut me off, his voice not angry, but filled with that same shame that he had spoken with before.

I couldn't understand why he was so fixed in his stance over my right to be angry with him. It wasn't like him to refuse to resolve things; I had wholeheartedly believed that he was going to accept my apology and we were going to talk things over. But he seemed determined to have me be upset with him.

Before I could convince Matsuda that we should talk things over, he raised his hands a little from his sides in a defeated manner, turned around, and went back down the hallway without a word. I was left shocked and confused by his behaviour. The only thing I could do was head to my room.

I was worried that Matsuda was secretly upset with me, but was just trying to cover it up and take the blame instead. But I quickly reasoned that that wasn't like him at all to be secretive and that he was the most open and honest person I knew. If he had a problem with me, then he would tell me, as he did when I had betrayed his trust at the hospital.

I consoled myself into believing that Matsuda wouldn't be able to last the day before he would come knocking on my door to explain what he was so ashamed about. We would talk and things would all get settled.

**...**

Matsuda never came knocking. Not that day. Nor the next day. Nor the following week.

The only answer I would get from him when he would drive me to school (the only time I would see him), was that he was just too busy with the investigation. But I could tell he was lying, since he wouldn't look me in the eye and remained nervous and ashamed every single time he was around me. And after asking so many times for the real answer and not getting it, I miserably gave up and resolved to wait until he was ready to tell me what was going on. However, I couldn't help but feel terribly hurt and lonely by Matsuda's absence.

I guess I could have counted myself lucky in some way that Matsuda decided to distance himself from me when my final exams were right around the corner. Having no one to visit with or anything to do (even the TV in my room had conked out), I was able to dedicate a ridiculous amount of time to studying.

That's not to say that I wasn't interrupted from my studying some of the time. Every once and awhile, Ryuzaki would ask for my assistance in watching another taped footage of Light. Every time I would watch Light insisting that he was innocent and not Kira. Every time I would watch the footage, my heart would lift with confidence that my cousin was indeed innocent, but would also break with sadness as I watched my cousin grow thinner and weaker. Every time Ryuzaki would ask if my opinion had changed about Light, and I would reply that it hadn't. Every time Ryuzaki would militantly drill into my head that all the evidence was piled against Light and that no one believed him innocent anymore, and every time I would militantly drill back that I still believed my cousin. Every time Ryuzaki would sigh deeply and dismiss me, not disappointed, but perplexed that I was still holding onto my opinion.

It became an endless cycle of the same footage, the same answers, and the same deep sighs.

By the middle of July, I was a walking, talking robot who woke up, went to school, came home, studied my butt off, gave the same opinion to Ryuzaki, and go to bed. The loneliness I had experienced before had returned full force. I didn't have Matsuda. I didn't have Light. I didn't even have Uncle Soichiro, who had not phoned me once since he had freely entered confinement. I wondered how long the dull, lonely pattern of my life would carry out before something changed or before I would snap.

**...**

I knew from the way Aizawa came to collect me from my room that something was up. That something was going to happen that could be anything but good.

I didn't know Aizawa very well, but he wasn't the type to display his emotions openly and willingly. It seemed he used his stern and sometimes stormy countenance to block his true feelings from being released. I remember the only time I had seen his hardened mask crack was right after Ukita had been murdered. He had looked absolutely crushed and dismayed, even if it was only for a second. So, needless to say, it worried me when he was having difficulty disguising the nervous expression on his face when he came to gather me from my room. What was going on or what did he know that was posing such a challenge for him in keeping his hardened mask intact?

As we headed down the hallway, Matsuda suddenly came briskly towards us from the main sitting area, his strides long and purposeful. His eyes blazed with a fiery determination that I had never seen before in him. He stopped before Aizawa and solidly planted his feet where he stood, effectively blocking us from getting around him.

"What's he going to do, Aizawa? What did he tell you?" Matsuda demanded, his eyes frantically searching Aizawa's for some clue as to what was going on. It seemed Matsuda was as clueless as I was. I peeked around Aizawa's back to get a better look at Matsuda, troubled and surprised by his serious persistence.

Aizawa sighed wearily and tried to step around Matsuda, his own eyes not being able to look Matsuda in the face. "Matsuda, not now. I can't say anyth-"

Matsuda quickly stepped in front of Aizawa and blocked him from getting away. "I deserve to know. I deserve to know what he's got planned for..."

Matsuda suddenly directed his gaze towards me and worriedly looked at me standing behind Aizawa. My eyes felt big and wide with confusion and worry.

Matsuda's lapse of speech prompted Aizawa to gently push his colleague off to the side so we could pass. Aizawa rested a hand on Matsuda's shoulder as we walked past him and softly said something which I couldn't quite make out. Something about "it being the only way" or something like that.

As Aizawa's hand left Matsuda's shoulder, I sputtered out in a wavering, anxious voice, "Matsuda?"

"Please come along, Miss Yagami." Aizawa gently took my arm and guided me down the hallway towards the main sitting area. I numbly followed after him, my eyes remaining fixed on Matsuda. My friend stood dejectedly in the hallway and watched me turn the corner with miserable, gloomy eyes.

The main sitting area looked the same as usual, except there was a table sitting off to the side of the room. There was something quite large sitting on top of it, but a sheet was covering what it was. I was surprised to see that the TV was turned off, since I had assumed that Ryuzaki had called for me to watch, yet again, more footage of Light.

But I should have known that I was there for something else, simply by seeing Ryuzaki himself. He usually couldn't bother to turn towards me when I entered the room and would remain perched on his chair, busy with devouring some dessert and too bored to pay me any worthwhile attention. But now Ryuzaki was standing in front of the TV, facing me as I entered the room. There were no desserts to be seen; not even a cup of coffee or tea was sitting on the coffee table. His head was jutted out awkwardly away from the trunk of his body, like a hawk craning its neck as it's about to swoop down on its prey. His eyes were mostly the dark, unreadable orbs that they usually were, but there was a slight glimmer of anticipation that swiftly flashed across his black irises, causing me to become slightly alarmed.

_What is he up to? Just like Matsuda asked, what does he have planned?_

"Please sit, Miss Yagami. There is much to cover," Ryuzaki lowly said, his voice almost weighted down with unspoken words.

I obeyed and sat in front of him. It was then that I heard a loud 'clicking' sound behind me and looked back to see Aizawa had closed the door leading to the hallway and had remained in the room. He was standing stoically in front of the closed door, his face hidden in the shadows. He had his hands folded behind his back and appeared to be on guard. His presence made me nervous; Ryuzaki usually didn't have any task force members present when he beckoned me.

My nervousness came out in a titter of worried laughter as I turned back to Ryuzaki and warbled out in a shaky voice, "I guess you didn't call me here to talk about my request, huh?"

Ryuzaki levelly responded back, "I've already mentioned to Watari that your television and phone have stopped working. He's looking into fixing them. It will all be taken care of very soon."

I laughed nervously again, not wanting the lightness of the conversation to move into whatever deeper topic he had ready to discuss. "Good, because it's not like I watch a lot of TV or use the phone a lot, but it would be nice if they started working again anyways, because, you know-"

"Do not worry, Miss Yagami. For now, there are more important matters to be taken care of," Ryuzaki interrupted me, his voice not rising or falling, but continuously droning on in that same dull, level voice of his.

Ryuzaki took one step towards me and said in a very calm voice, as if he didn't want to scare away a small animal, "There are four questions I would like you to answer for me. That is all, Miss Yagami. Depending on the level of your cooperation, this could be over very soon or take an unnecessary longer amount of time. Do you understand?"

I blinked and shrugged a little. "Yeah, I guess that's okay," I nonchalantly answered, my nervousness decreasing a little. It didn't sound like Ryuzaki had anything unpleasant planned.

"Good. Let's get straight to the first question: Did Light ever inform you that he was going to freely enter confinement?"

In my mind, I was thinking, _"Are you stupid? You already asked me that question and I've given my answer." _But I decided to be a tad nicer.

"Uh, you already asked me that question about a month ago. No, Light never told me. Why are you asking again?"

"Just answer the question, Miss Yagami. Now onto the next question: Do you have any ideas why Light has been acting the way he has for the past six months or so? Such as being distant and frustrated as you've witnessed and contested."

I couldn't refrain from giving Ryuzaki a funny, puzzled look this time. I slowly shook my head and replied, "No, I don't. I've told you before that I can't explain why Light had been acting so out of character. Why are you asking me questions that you already know the answers to? What is this all about-"

"The third question: Is there something that you're not telling me about Light or something that Light has said to you that you haven't shared with the investigation? Anything at all that could give us some further insight into your cousin?" Ryuzaki calmly carried on, his eyes never leaving my face.

This question put me on guard a little, simply because I knew I was going to have to lie. I thought of all of the conversations that Light and I had had in our secret communication style over the past several months. I had told him about the cameras that were watching our every move together, that I had never witnessed a Kira-related attack on campus, that I wasn't in some phony witness protection program. I had even tried to tell him about Ryuzaki at his birthday dinner. And then there had been the whole visit at the cafe when he had tried to make me obtain information on the Kira investigation for him. I definitely couldn't let Ryuzaki find out about that. Ryuzaki and the task force already thought Light guilty; telling Ryuzaki about that could be the final nail in Light's coffin for all I knew.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shrugged dismissively, as if Ryuzaki's question hadn't rattled me at all. "Nope. Nothing."

Ryuzaki was silent for a second before he preceded, his voice still remaining calm and steady. "And the final question: Have you ever believed that Light was Kira?"

I choked back a glob of spit in my mouth and covered my mouth hastily. I tried not to shift in my chair and folded my hands nicely in my lap. I plastered an overly polite smile on my face that probably came across as looking more like a poorly concealed snarl than anything else.

"Of course not," I replied levelly, my voice not cracking one bit. "I could never believe something like that."

Ryuzaki waited for me to elaborate on my answer, but I had nothing more to say. I was beginning to grow tired of his stupid questions. I looked around the room in order to avoid his gaze and finally turned back to him and moodily snapped, "Listen, these questions are a waste of time. Can I please go now?"

"No, you cannot," Ryuzaki calmly responded, but his words had a slight demanding bite to them. He ambled over to his computer screen that was sitting over by the TV and pressed a key. A large "W" popped up on the screen and I could hear Watari's voice speaking with Ryuzaki. Shortly after, Ryuzaki ambled back over to the chair facing me and crouched down on it. He rested his spindly fingers on top of his kneecaps and relaxed into his standard slouch.

I could hear a slight groan escape his throat as he grumbled, "Watari will be bringing coffee. It appears I need to resort to stronger methods in order for you to cooperate."

I pounded my fists into the chair cushion and complained loudly, "What are you talking about? I answered all of your questions efficiently and effectively! You've already gotten your answers, now let me-"

"Aizawa, please bring the equipment over to Miss Yagami," Ryuzaki spoke over me, as if I wasn't even there in the room.

I whipped my head backwards and watched as Aizawa hesitated for a second before walking over to the table in the corner of the room. He rolled it towards us and set it in between Ryuzaki and I. He waited patiently for the next set of Ryuzaki's instructions.

"Please prepare Miss Yagami," was the simple command that was given.

"Prepare me for what?!"

Suddenly Aizawa pulled the sheet covering the table and the hidden contents were revealed. Sitting on top of the table was a fully equipped lie detector machine. I felt my jaw grow slack and my mouth hung wide open as I stared in disbelief at the polygraph. Surely he wasn't intending to—

"I will ask you the same questions again, Miss Yagami, but this time I hope you will be more honest with me. I told you that cooperating would make this go faster," Ryuzaki drawled out as Aizawa began to wrap a blood pressure cuff around my upper arm.

I yanked back my arm a bit in resistance and imploringly argued back, "I did answer your questions honestly! I swear!"

"The polygraph will determine the validity of your words, Miss Yagami."

I sat back in stunned silence at how far Ryuzaki was going with his measures. He waited patiently as Aizawa helped get me ready for the test and didn't say anything more. He seemed almost downright bored with the whole thing, as if he hooked up unwilling participants to lie detectors on a regular basis.

I opened my mouth to argue again, but Aizawa leaned over and whispered in my ear as he continued to prep me for the polygraph test, "Best to just go with it, Miss Yagami. The more you cooperate, the easier he'll be with you."

But I could tell Aizawa wasn't being completely honest as he quickly looked away from me as I shot him a beseeching look. That or he was looking away in shame at what Ryuzaki was ordering him to do. And based on how his facial muscles twitched every now and then, I had the feeling that Aizawa was just barely holding in his outrage at what Ryuzaki was making him do.

Watari entered with Ryuzaki's coffee and promptly left without a word of protest or a glance my way. Aizawa silently turned on the machine and flicked a few switches here and there. Ryuzaki took a loud slurp of his coffee and preoccupied his time with scooping mouthfuls of sugar into his cup. I was very much alone.

Finally, the polygraph was charged and ready to go and Aizawa pulled up a chair in front of the machine. Ryuzaki set down his cup and once again proceeded with his questions.

"Did Light ever inform you that he was going to freely enter confinement?"

I remembered a little bit of the explanation that my dad had provided me with when I had asked as a kid how a polygraph worked. Sweating meant you were telling a lie and increased heart rate also indicated dishonesty. A tip my dad had offered was to give as short an answer as possible and to take deep breaths before you answer. I remember he had jokingly offered these tips; he never would have thought I would be in a situation where I would be hooked up to a polygraph. Oh, how wrong he was.

I took a deep breath and answered confidently, "No."

Ryuzaki was quick with the next question, offering no time for me to think or relax. "Do you have any ideas why Light has been acting the way he has for the past six months or so?"

I shook my head, but then quickly stopped, afraid that any movement would show up on the polygraph read-out. "No, I don't."

"Is there something that you're not telling me about Light or something that Light has said to you that you haven't shared with the investigation?"

I swallowed and took a deep breath. I tried counting my heart beats to see if they were becoming quicker or not. I disciplined my face into an expressionless mask and answered, "No. Nothing at all."

I calmly shifted my gaze over to Aizawa and watched as he made a few lines on the read-out with a pencil. I cleared my throat in order to disguise the gasp that threatened to exit my mouth. Had he caught my lie and was now marking it down? Was he really going to tell Ryuzaki that I had just lied? I felt my forehead and cheeks grow hot and began to worry that I was going to start sweating. My worrisome thoughts were cut off by Ryuzaki asking his final question.

"Have you ever believed that Light was Kira?"

I should have been able to answer his question in a heartbeat. But the truth was that I _had_ reflected on the possibility of Light being Kira. I would ponder what I would do and how I would feel if it was indeed true. I would think those things as I walked to class. I even wondered such things when Ryuzaki first showed me footage of Light in confinement.

_He can never know that though. And it's not like I actually _believed_ Light was Kira; I just diddled with the possibility because he was shoving the thought in my face so much. _

I suddenly became aware that I had not answered his question and jolted a little bit in my seat. I tried to control my flustered breathing and answered with a slight waver to my voice, "N-no. Never."

I cringed as I noticed Aizawa had made another tick on the polygraph read-out. He shot Ryuzaki a telling sidelong glance and I knew that he had silently communicated to Ryuzaki that I had been lying. I felt my stomach clench with dread.

Ryuzaki monotonously ordered, "Aizawa, please relay the results of Miss Yagami's polygraph test."

I frowned and quivered in my seat with anger. As if he didn't already know the results.

Aizawa lifted the sheet of paper off of the machine and sighed heavily as he looked at it. "Do you really want me to read it out loud?"

Ryuzaki took an obnoxiously loud slurp of coffee and mumbled, "Yes."

Aizawa sighed again and closed his eyes briefly before miserably reading out the results. "Miss Yagami appears to have told the truth for questions one and two, but it appears she was not being honest with questions three and four. Of course, polygraphs are not always a hundred percent accurate, so the validity of the results should be questioned before any conclusions can be made."

Ryuzaki glugged down the rest of his coffee and muttered, "I wholeheartedly agree with you, Aizawa."

Aizawa's shoulders relaxed and he sighed out, "Really?" He closed his eyes again in relief and mumbled softly under his breath, "Good."

Ryuzaki gently set his empty tea cup down on the coffee table and licked his lips absently as he declared nonchalantly, "Which means that we will have to proceed to the final step of trying to get an honest answer out of Miss Yagami."

Aizawa stiffened in his seat for a split second before he stood up and angrily exclaimed, "What do you mean proceed to the final step?! I said that no conclusions could be made because-"

Ryuzaki interrupted calmly, "Yes, I understood what you said. The polygraph determined that only half of the questions were answered truthfully, but, as you said, the validity of the polygraph is at question. Therefore, all of Miss Yagami's answers could have been dishonest."

Aizawa grumbled and his fists shook slightly at his sides as he bellowed out, "That's not what I meant at all and you know it!"

Ryuzaki explained in a bored manner as he refilled his cup, "We had an agreement, Aizawa-"

"Well, the agreement is over! I'm not going to stand by and watch you tell the Chief's niece that-"

"Tell me what? What is going on?" I demanded as I pulled off the wires that connected me to the polygraph.

"Ryuzaki, if you go through with this, I'm going to have to tell the Chief that-"

Suddenly, there was banging on the main sitting area door and muffled yells from out in the hallway. All three of us turned towards the door and listened. After a second, I realized that it was Matsuda.

"Aizawa, please attend to Matsuda. I doubt he can break through a locked door, but I wouldn't want any distractions," Ryuzaki languidly ordered Aizawa.

Aizawa flashed Ryuzaki a defiant look before he whipped his head around to face the door. Matsuda was beginning to grow louder and I began to hear tid-bits of what he was saying. Something about "deserving to know" and "being a part of the task force." Aizawa gruffly sighed and, with one last dirty look aimed towards Ryuzaki, he headed over to the door. I shot him a beseeching look, but his back was turned to me and he didn't see my pleading look for him to stay. He exited through the door and closed it shut behind him.

Realizing that I was left to fend for myself, I whipped my head back to Ryuzaki and stuttered out, "W-what are you going to tell me?"

Ryuzaki breathed slowly in and his words were released into the open with his outgoing breath. He spoke quickly and to the point.

"Light is no longer freely under confinement. He has been taken to a maximum security prison to await his already predetermined sentence. The evidence points directly to him and I, along with the task force and all of the higher up officials in the justice department, are of the same mind that Light is guilty. Your cousin is Kira, Miss Yagami-"

"No!" I cried out, my voice defiant and desperate at the same time.

"And unless you cooperate, he will be serving his sentence very soon. If you can provide any new information about your cousin, then I may reconsider postponing his sentence."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think clearly. All that came out of my mouth were incomprehensible murmurs of sounds. I gasped and moaned in fear. I shook and trembled. I felt the contents of my stomach churn and my heart pounded mercilessly.

"I...I...I want to speak to my...my uncle. I want to speak to him right now," I choked out.

"Impossible at the moment, Miss Yagami. In any case, speaking to your uncle will not help Light," Ryuzaki casually explained as he sipped at his coffee.

"Then...then you're lying. You're lying!" I suddenly cried out, my voice wavering and warbling with panic.

"On the contrary, Miss Yagami, I am not." Ryuzaki then very calmly pulled a piece of paper from his back jeans pocket and held it up for me to see before he set it down on the coffee table. It was very crumpled and creased and I could barely read it.

"This is the official document detailing Light's sentence and the charges that are laid against him. It has been signed by the Deputy Director of the National Police Agency, along with government officials of the justice department. I have yet to sign the document, but am instead awaiting your response."

Ryuzaki's persistence of trying to reach me with his request didn't work in bringing me down from my panic. On the contrary, his actions and words were doing the absolute opposite. I could feel a panic attack quickly approaching and I started to sway back and forth in my seat.

Ryuzaki noticed how I was having difficulty sitting up straight and quickly scrambled over to a cabinet over by the television. My vision started to become hazy, but I welcomed the darkness. I wanted to pass out and escape, even temporarily, the terrifying reality that Ryuzaki had presented me with.

But Ryuzaki was not going to let that happen. He hurried over to me and thrust a bottle of something under my nose. I suddenly tensed up, leaned backwards in my seat, and gasped and choked in the smell of whatever was in the bottle. My eyes began to water and I rubbed viciously at my nose which tingled with the remnants of the pungent smell.

I scowled as my mind and senses returned to their alert selves.

_That bastard made me breathe in smelling salts! He won't even let me pass out!_

Ryuzaki said as much as he screwed the cork back on the smelling salts bottle. "I can't have you fainting on me, Miss Yagami. I need you to answer my questions. Did Light ever inform you that he was going to freely enter confinement?"

"No! I've told you before! He never told me! How many more times do I need to say it?!"

"And what about his behaviour for the last six months?" Ryuzaki pushed on relentlessly.

"No! I don't have a clue! I don't know!" I screeched.

"Is there anything you aren't telling me about Light?"

I hesitated for a second, but then shook my head viciously and yelled, "No! There's nothing to tell!"

"You're lying, Miss Yagami," Ryuzaki accused and leaned in closer to me, giving me little space to breathe.

I continued to shake my head and closed my eyes so I didn't have to see him. "No, no, I'm not!"

"Think of your cousin, Miss Yagami. Any information may give him some time before his sentence is carried out. Think of that."

I choked out, "I swear, there isn't-"

"Light is your cousin, Miss-"

"There isn't-"

"Think of his life-"

"Alright, alright! Fine!" I hollered, my voice high-pitched and desperate. "I've told Light things that you didn't want me to tell him! I told him about the cameras! I told him about how I wasn't in a witness protection program! I even tried telling him about you! I've been trying to inform him about things ever since you confined me to these...to these fucking hotels!"

I had snapped and Ryuzaki could plainly see it. His eyes grotesquely bulged out as he silently and patiently sat there watching me explode. I sat rigid in my seat, my hands tugging uselessly at the ends of my shirt sleeves. My face burned and my throat ached. I didn't feel like myself. I felt like a bloody lunatic.

"And, yes, Light tried getting information from me about the Kira case! Before he was involved in the investigation! I didn't give him any though, because, duh! I didn't have any information to give! He was really mad when he didn't get the information, but he's been mad about a lot of things! He was mad that I showed you a little bit of kindness at times! He was mad that I befriended Matsuda! He was mad at me for simply wanting to talk to him! So there! Are you happy?! Is that what you wanted?!"

Ryuzaki watched me huff and puff as I tried to catch my breath and quietly, almost politely answered, "Yes. That's what I wanted."

A dry sob escaped my throat and I released the ends of my shirt sleeves. My hands limply turned palm-side up and I outstretched my fingers slightly. I croaked out in a hoarse, imploring voice, "So, can you please let Light go. Can you please stop all of this and just drop the whole sentence thing? Please?"

Ryuzaki remained motionless and silent for a second before he answered slowly and softly, "I will consider-"

I let out a low moan, shook my head, and muttered repeatedly, "No, no, no. Considering isn't good enough. I need you to tell me that you will drop the charges against Light until...until you have more evidence. He's innocent and you can't just sentence him when you don't know for sure if he's-"

"But I do know, Miss Yagami. Everyone on the task force and in the NPA knows that-"

Ryuzaki abruptly ceased from speaking and his whole body clenched in on itself. I had reached out a hand and had grabbed a handful of his shirt. I sat on the edge of my seat, leaning forwards towards Ryuzaki, the end of his shirt bunched in my hand. His eyes were staring suspiciously at my hand, as if the very presence of it on his shirt was bizarre. As if any human, physical contact was alien to him.

All of a sudden, I thought of the times I had felt sorry for Ryuzaki. The time he spent all alone when I would go off to celebrate a birthday with family. The time I had mentioned Ukita's name and some type of forlorn expression had crossed his face. The time I had mentioned the importance of phoning a family member on their birthday, and Ryuzaki didn't seem to relate to such a concept. Didn't even seem to relate to the concept of family.

I took those memories and the feeling of sympathy that went hand-in-hand with them and ran with it. I hoped and prayed that I could use those memories and feelings to spurn me onwards. That I could use them to reach through the cold, emotionless walls that Ryuzaki hid behind.

I let go of my nervousness and fear and prepared to take the leap.

I swallowed and disciplined my voice to sound gentle and calm. "Ryuzaki..." I changed my mind and decided to be more personal. "...L."

Hearing his real name (if that was indeed his real name) made him look away from my hand that still clasped his shirt. He looked slowly up and stared at me with defensive, yet calm eyes.

Now that I had his full attention, I softy continued, all the while pleadingly looking into his eyes, trying desperately to reach him. "I can imagine that it must be hard working all over the world and with so many different people, and yet, never...never really connecting with others. And...and having your whole identity hidden behind an...an unfeeling letter. People never knowing the face behind the world's greatest detective. I imagine...I imagine that must be really lonely."

Ryuzaki didn't so much as blink. He simply continued staring at me with cautious, yet composed eyes. It seemed like he wasn't even breathing.

"I've been lonely before, but I can't imagine that type of loneliness. I wouldn't wish that type of isolation on anyone." And as I said what I did, I looked pointedly into Ryuzaki's eyes to communicate that what I said included him as well.

"So, when I look at Light and how he's been confined for over a month and then start to imagine him being caged for months and months on end in a prison, I feel absolutely sick. Because it terrifies me to think of my cousin experiencing that isolation, experiencing that crushing loneliness. So please..." I took a deep breath and shakily released it as I sobbed out, "...please don't do this. I'm trying to understand you. The least you could do is try to understand me."

I don't know what I was really expecting him to say. In my ideal scenario, he would agree to study the supposed evidence more closely, rip up that official paper of his, and would release Light. It may have been a foolish hope, but I held tightly onto it nonetheless.

What I didn't expect was how quiet Ryuzaki was after I had ceased speaking. He simply leaned a little bit forwards and uncurled my fingers from his shirt. I flinched a little at his touch, almost expecting his pale skin to be as cold as ice. But it felt just like normal, warm skin. He was flesh and blood, just like everyone else. Go figure.

He quickly let go of my hand, as if touching it any longer than he needed to would lead to contamination. He wiped his fingers on his jeans and then gently rested his hand back on his knee. As I waited for him to speak with bated breath, I thought I saw some type of hidden emotion trying to push through the expressionless glaze that coated his eyes. But it quickly vanished before I could determine what it was and, before I could comment on it, I mentally recoiled as he finally broke the silence.

"Have you ever believed that Light was Kira?"

It was actually a struggle to close my gaping mouth and process what he had just said. I couldn't believe he had just ignored everything I had just said. I couldn't believe he was so immune to any form of human emotion and distress.

_But then, there had been that faint glimmer of emotion behind his eyes. It was so weak though, almost suffocated by his cold, rational mind. It would take years for it to surface again –_

"Please answer the question, Miss Yagami."

My defenses instantly went back up and blocked any emotion from escaping. I sternly looked back into his eyes and coldly replied, "Never. I will die believing Light is innocent."

In a soft, convinced tone of voice, Ryuzaki replied, "We'll see about that."

Before I could argue back, he loudly called towards the main sitting area door, "Aizawa!"

I could hear the door click open and Aizawa's long sigh as he bitterly answered, "What?"

"Please escort Miss Yagami back to her room. And please make sure her door is locked. She appears to be quite upset and I wouldn't want her to get any crazy ideas of running away."

As Aizawa slowly approached my chair, I muttered through clenched teeth, "You still haven't told me what you're going to do, Ryuzaki."

Ryuzaki very calmly and straightforwardly responded, "It's out of my hands, Miss Yagami. Light's fate rests with someone else now."

"Wh-what's that supposed to mean? Tell me! Please, tell me! I'm begging you, Ryuzaki!" I cried as Aizawa gently led me out of the room. But Ryuzaki remained cruelly silent and paid me no attention as I was led away.

Aizawa was resolutely silent as well as he led me back to my room. The only thing he said was that he was going to tell my uncle about what had happened, but I wanted to know about what was going to happen to Light. Right before Aizawa locked my bedroom door on me, he morosely sighed, "I don't know myself, Miss Yagami."

And then I was locked away in my room to ponder what was going to happen to my defenceless cousin. I crouched in the furthest corner of my dark room and moaned quietly to myself. I prayed that sleep would come fast to take me away from this waking nightmare.

**...**

**A/N: Always open to feedback of any kind! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! **


	16. Chapter 16

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: So, this is so unfashionably late. And it's not as long as most of my chapters. Writer's block can be quite the...well, you know. Thanks for sticking with me...and with my tardiness for updating. :S **

Chapter 16

"_Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." – Terry Pratchett_

**...**

I would wager that there was more than a likely chance that I had failed my final exam.

Considering that the day before Ryuzaki had informed me that Light was being kept in a prison to await his sentence as Kira, I think I did a pretty good job acting sane enough to simply write the exam. However, as I miserably trudged my way over to Matsuda's car to head back to the hotel, I realized that acting sane was probably not enough to actually pass. It had taken mental effort to simply read the exam questions, never mind answering them.

"So, how do you think you did?" Matsuda optimistically spurted, bouncing on his heels eagerly as I approached him.

I tried to think up some positive sounding answer, but relented to the dismal truth instead.

"Bad," was all I muttered and said no more as I slid into the passenger seat. Matsuda's encouraging smile wilted and he wordlessly got into the car and pulled out of the campus parking lot.

We drove in silence for most of the car ride. I stared forlornly out the window the whole time. I saw, but didn't see the people on the sidewalks and the other cars. The whole ordeal with Ryuzaki the day before kept replaying in my head. I noticed every once and awhile that Matsuda kept shooting me these worried looks, but I barely paid them any attention. All of my attention was focused on what was going to happen to Light.

"Etsuko..."

I blinked wearily and slowly turned my head a fraction towards Matsuda. I simply stared at him, awaiting his response. It seemed to take too much effort to actually speak.

Matsuda, his eyes firmly focused on the road, stuttered out softly, "I...I...I can't..."

I leaned my head against the windowpane and sighed softly, "What is it, Matsuda?"

Suddenly, Matsuda's eyes took on a wild, frantic look. His breathing picked up a little and his hands clenched the steering wheel in a death grip. I could clearly see his knuckles turning white. Before I could notice anything else of Matsuda's sudden frenzied appearance, he turned the steering wheel a hard right and the car lurched around a street corner. I felt my body pitch to the side and bonked my shoulder on the car door. The vehicle picked up speed and almost seemed to quiver with an anxious, unrestrained energy.

The sluggish despair that had descended upon me the night before was dramatically lifted as we whipped past other cars and sped down the road. I clenched onto the passenger door, my own knuckles turning a pasty pale colour as the car rocked back and forth from the sharp turns and reckless speed. If he wasn't a police officer, I would have been scared for my safety. Alright, maybe I was a bit nervous.

"Matsuda, what are you doing?!" I exclaimed as he turned another tight corner, my panicked question ending in a tiny shriek.

Matsuda's full attention was on the road; his eyes were wide and sharp with focus. I could tell we weren't heading towards the hotel anymore. The question was where exactly we were going.

Finally, after many twists and turns and an almost near collision with a parked car, Matsuda slowed down and parked beside a mainly deserted ramen shop. The few customers who were sitting at the counter briefly turned around, but then they quickly dismissed us and turned back to slurping down their noodles.

I slowly pried my fingers from the car door and felt my heart rate slowly decrease. I turned to Matsuda. His head was titled back against the head rest, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. His hands were still tightly clenched around the steering wheel.

"Wh-why are we here?" I inquired shakily.

Matsuda slowly leaned forward and began to loosen his tie. He opened his eyes and stammered in a choked voice, "I can't...I can't keep lying to you, Etsuko."

I swallowed and nervously asked, "What...what have you lied to me about?"

Matsuda's eyes darted rapidly back and forth across the dashboard. He spoke in a feverish, anxious tone. It didn't even seem like he was speaking to me, but was rationalizing something to himself.

"I...I didn't mean to, but – Ryuzaki made me promise that...it was for the best of the investigation and – I really didn't mean-" Matsuda suddenly grumbled to himself, whipped his tie from around his neck, and tossed it into the back seat in frustration. I watched him with a nauseating anxiety. He was starting to really worry me.

"And...and I didn't want to, Etsuko, you have to believe me, I – I didn't think it would go this far and-"

"Matsuda, I'm not going to be mad. Just tell me," I patiently soothed as I set my hand softly on his shaking hand. He finally looked me in the eye and nodded. His distress seemed to decrease as he breathed heavily out.

He gripped my hand in a tight, supportive grasp and opened his mouth to explain.

"Criminals are dying again."

It didn't take me a second longer to figure out what Matsuda's words meant and I excitedly squeezed his hand and jumped up and down a bit in my seat.

"Are you serious?! That's wonderful news, Matsuda! That means that Light-"

"No, no, you don't understand. They started dying over a month ago," Matsuda solemnly explained, his eyes downcast.

I slumped back into my seat and stared at Matsuda in disbelief. I began to slowly shake my head. "No. No, Ryuzaki would've told me. He would've told me if criminals had started dying again, because that means that Light would-"

"Don't you see what he was trying to do, Etsuko?" Matsuda anxiously interrupted, too fuelled with the need to tell me the truth that he couldn't wait for me to finish. "He wanted you to believe that criminals weren't dying, because if he had told you the truth, it would have meant that Light wasn't Kira. He wanted to see how far your loyalty and belief that Light was innocent could be stretched. So he showed you tape after tape of footage, told you that criminals had ceased from being killed, and even told you that everyone on the task force believed Light was Kira."

"Y-you mean, you knew? You knew all along and didn't-"

"He made Aizawa and I swear that we wouldn't tell you about the criminals' deaths. After criminals started dying again, Aizawa and I both believed that Light was innocent. But Ryuzaki wouldn't let us tell you."

I thought back to when Ryuzaki had told me that the task force believed Light guilty. How Matsuda hadn't been able to look me in the eye. I remembered him chasing me down the hallway and telling me that I had every right to be upset with him.

_Upset with him because he had been lying to me. Because he had known that whole time that criminals were dying again and that Light was innocent._

"And that's not all."

I numbly looked up at Matsuda and shivered with nervous anticipation. What else was there to be revealed?

Matsuda shakily breathed out and grimly announced, "I was able to convince Aizawa to tell me about what happened yesterday between you and Ryuzaki. As I'm sure you could have figured out, I didn't know what Ryuzaki had in store for you yesterday."

I remembered Matsuda demanding answers from Aizawa and him pounding on the door in frustration of being kept uninformed of what was going on. It appeared clear now that Ryuzaki had not trusted Matsuda in knowing about the polygraph test and the rest of the interrogation. I couldn't help but think that Ryuzaki had been correct in thinking so; Matsuda was spilling the beans willingly in front of me at that moment.

"Last night, Aizawa and I stepped away from the hotel for awhile and he told me everything. The questions, the polygraph test...Light's sentence. He told me everything and made me swear that I wouldn't tell you. I thought I would be able to withhold this information from you, Etsuko, but when I saw your face this morning...well, I decided enough was enough," Matsuda sternly concluded, his eyes hardening with what was surely pent up anger at having been told to be silent for so long.

In the middle of Matsuda's revelations, I felt a sudden surge of pride towards him. Ryuzaki and the task force seemed to consider him childish and even unworthy of being on the investigation at times, but here he was going against the orders of Ryuzaki and Aizawa and doing the right thing: Telling me the truth. He was thinking for himself and wasn't going to stand being bullied around anymore into keeping silent. I wanted to hug him for it, but realized that there was still something he hadn't told me yet.

"Matsuda, what did Aizawa make you swear to not tell me? I obviously already knew about the polygraph test and Light's sentence. What was there to keep secret?"

Matsuda gripped my hand back tightly and set it down gently on his knee. He was preparing me before he spoke the truth.

"The secret is that none of what Ryuzaki said about Light is true."

I swallowed and chewed on the inside of my cheek, trying to figure out if Matsuda was saying what I thought he was saying.

"Do you mean that Light isn't in a-"

"He isn't being kept in a maximum security prison and there isn't an order detailing his sentence for being Kira. Ryuzaki made it all up in a last attempt to get you to confess to any information you had about Light."

My shoulders slumped as I realized Ryuzaki's plan had been successful. He had stretched me so far that I had snapped and had revealed information. Simply asking me the questions or hooking me up to a polygraph hadn't been drastic enough. He had pulled out the big guns and had told me the worst lie imaginable. And it had worked.

"But, but he had an official paper detailing Light's sentence, with signatures and-"

Matsuda sadly shook his head. "All made up. He's L, after all. He can make up anything he wants and make it look convincing."

"So, Light is still in solitary confinement? The same place he's been for over a month?"

"Yes. And he doesn't know about the criminal deaths either. The Chief – your uncle found out about the criminals' deaths though as soon as they happened. And Aizawa's been trying to convince Ryuzaki to tell your uncle about what happened to you yesterday."

I sat back in my seat, trying to take in all that Matsuda had revealed. We sat in a kind of stunned silence for a few minutes, the blinking lights of the ramen shop casting blurry shadows on the dashboard of the car. My mind was going over the whole scenario that had occurred yesterday and then began to wander further back to the days leading up to my interrogation.

I sat forward with a sudden realization. My eyes remained fixed on the front window as I mumbled in disbelief, "It wasn't an accident that my television and phone stopped working."

Matsuda turned to me with a confused frown on his face. Clearly, he was not aware of this certain detail.

"What do you mean, Etsuko?"

I continued on more confidently, my speculation seeming more plausible the more I thought about it, "My TV and phone stopped working a few weeks ago. I finally asked Ryuzaki yesterday if he could have them fixed, especially the phone. I wanted to speak with uncle, who I haven't heard from for so long. He said he would have Watari see to it, but, as far as I know, they still aren't fixed." I nodded to myself and concluded solidly, "He had them rigged or something. He made it so that they wouldn't work, because he wouldn't have wanted me to talk to uncle and find out about the criminals' deaths. And the TV had to go as well in case I found out through the news."

A sudden sinking feeling came over me and I felt a wave of nausea flood my stomach. Ryuzaki really didn't have to worry about the television, because I never watched the news. He didn't have to worry about keeping me away from newspapers, because I never read the news either. He didn't even worry about me attending school still, since he knew that I didn't talk to anyone or listen to conversations about Kira. I didn't even put up a fuss about the television or phone until yesterday. He was able to get away with his scheme so easily, because I had made an effort in being ignorant of anything that had to do with Kira. If I had only been more interested, more determined in being updated with the news regarding Kira, his plan may not have flowed so effortlessly.

_As much as all of this is his fault, my ignorance has made it only easier for him. _

Matsuda tugged gently on my hand, and when he spoke his voice was sincerely adamant. "I know what you're thinking and you can't blame yourself for any of this. This is all Ryuzaki's doing and...and also mine and Aizawa's as well. So, please don't blame yourself, Etsuko."

I smiled tiredly at Matsuda and nodded slightly. Although I knew he was right in making his point, I couldn't shake off the frustration I felt towards myself for being so ignorant.

Matsuda carried on shamefully, "I'm really sorry, Etsuko. I should have stood up for not only myself, but for you as well."

I shook my head and squeezed Matsuda's hand supportively. "It's alright, Matsuda. I'm not angry with you or Aizawa." I shifted in my seat and stared darkly out the window. "There's only one person I'm angry with."

_Ryuzaki, you better hope you're not anywhere near me when I get back to the hotel._

Matsuda saw the smoldering look in my eye and nodded silently. He let go of my hand and turned the key in the ignition. Without another word, we drove away and headed to the hotel.

During the elevator ride up to the top floor of the hotel, Matsuda turned to me and quietly asked, "What are you going to say to him?"

I stared straight ahead and, with a threatening tone to my voice, softly responded, "I think it best that I don't come face-to-face with Ryuzaki right now. I don't know what I would do. I think it best that I walk right past him and wait until I feel less...impulsive."

When we entered the hotel suite, Matsuda instantly tried to block Ryuzaki's crouched figure from my line of sight. Ryuzaki was seated at the other end of the room and didn't seem to pay us any attention, so my plan of ignoring him for now seemed to be working.

However, before I had a chance to book it to my bedroom, Ryuzaki monotonously commented, "It took quite awhile for you to return from the university. Care to share what took you both so long?"

Ryuzaki's eyes flitted over towards Matsuda and I realized that he expected Matsuda to answer. Aizawa sat across from Ryuzaki, his own eyes curious and nervous as he watched his colleague shuffle uncomfortably on the spot.

Matsuda licked his lips and nonchalantly answered, "Traffic was bad. That's all."

Ryuzaki's eyes darted towards mine and I knew I was busted. As hard as I tried, I couldn't refrain from glaring at him with narrowed, rage-filled eyes. It was the only evidence Ryuzaki needed to conclude that Matsuda was lying. He knew, simply from the look in my eye, that I had found out everything.

His eyes swiftly darted from Matsuda, then to me, and then back to Matsuda. His thumb found its way to his bottom lip and, with a voice that was half growl, he grumbled, "Matsuda, you idiot."

Ryuzaki's insult towards Matsuda was the spark that ignited my fuse and I was off like a rocket. I stormed right up to him, drew my arm back, balled up my fist, and -

"How dare you-"

"Miss Yagami, no!"

My punch was halfway towards striking Ryuzaki's face when Aizawa leapt up from the couch and restrained my arm. I struggled against him, my whole body pumping and surging with rage. But Aizawa was too strong and I was left with using only my words to cause damage.

"How could you?! How could you lie like that to me?! For months! You lunatic! You bastard!" I shrieked as I continued to struggle and fight Aizawa's strong grip.

Matsuda piped up desperately, "I had to tell her, Ryuzaki! I made Aizawa tell me about yesterday and I couldn't keep it to myself. She deserved to know!"

"I even tried to show you some sympathy, you, you...you son of a bitch! I tried to understand you and you didn't even try! You just kept lying to my face and didn't even blink an eye at it!" I hollered, my voice already starting to get hoarse.

"It was your idea to try to understand me, as you so put it, Miss Yagami. There was no agreement that I had to reciprocate such a move," Ryuzaki indifferently responded, as he continued to lazily watch me struggle.

I growled and lunged towards him, my fists locked and loaded to dole out some harm to that emotionless face of his. How badly I wanted to add some colour to that pale face by giving him a nice, purplish bruise.

Ryuzaki didn't move an inch as my fist just barely missed his nose. Aizawa groaned and muttered curses under his breath as he successfully prevented me from punching Ryuzaki again. I was surprised that he wasn't dragging me away to my bedroom, but perhaps he was wise enough to know that I needed to get all of my furious, violent thoughts out. Judging by his outrage over Ryuzaki's actions yesterday, he was probably perfectly fine with me screaming abuses at Ryuzaki.

"You're going to tell me right now what is happening with Light! Do you intend to keep him locked up forever?! And what have you told my uncle-"

"Aizawa, I believe it is time for Miss Yagami to retire to-"

"Don't even think you can get rid of me that quickly you, you...you wacko! You crazy, stupid, lying-"

"And make sure the door is locked and-"

_**Pow!**_

Ryuzaki didn't get a chance to finish his command. In a moment of pure, reckless rage, his words were silenced by my knuckles ramming straight into his lower jaw! I could hear the dull sound of my fist colliding with his flesh and felt his mouth grow slack. Ryuzaki wobbled a bit in his chair, but remained upright after steadying himself with his hands. I stood huffing and puffing on wobbly feet as I brought my sore hand up to my chest and cradled it there. Aizawa and Matsuda both stood still with shocked expressions on their faces. The room had suddenly grown tensely quiet.

Ryuzaki slowly brought a hand up to his jaw and poked at it gently. I could see his eyes crinkle a little as he winced in pain, but he soon left his injured face alone and focused on me. I was certain he was going to look back at me with loathing, but instead he simply stared at me with an indifferent gaze, as if I hadn't just punched him in the face.

I didn't feel bad for having punched him. On the contrary, I felt quite exhilarated with having caused him bodily harm.

_Holy shit, I just punched L. The greatest detective in the world. I actually did it._

"I congratulate you, Miss Yagami."

I raised an eyebrow at Ryuzaki's bizarre statement.

Ryuzaki continued in a smooth, confident voice, "Next time you won't be so lucky."

I snorted incredulously, "Pfftt, like you could hit me back."

Ryuzaki's lips turned up in a somewhat smug smirk before he flashed Aizawa a look. I had seen that look before. He wanted me to be taken away.

I resisted Aizawa's grip and snapped, "You're going to tell me what you plan to do to Light. Right now, Ryuzaki!"

"I've told you, Miss Yagami. Light's fate is out of my hands."

"Cut the bullshit! Matsuda told me that everything you said about Light was a lie, so why continue lying to me!" I cried as Aizawa half-led, half-dragged me towards the hall.

"I can guarantee you, Miss Yagami, that what I said was true," responded Ryuzaki smoothly and then he disappeared from sight as Aizawa and I rounded the corner.

"I'm never going to trust you again! Do you hear me? Never, ever again!" I hollered, hoping that my voice could be heard by him as we left the sitting area behind.

I tried to resist Aizawa and return to the main sitting area to argue some more, but it was in vain. After throwing that punch, my energy seemed to have decreased, and the rage that had been blazing fiercely seemed to now only simmer below the surface. I felt like I needed to recuperate before I could go head-to-head with Ryuzaki again.

Matsuda followed us down to my room and stood side-by-side with Aizawa waiting for something to happen. I didn't know if they were expecting me to yell at them or complain some more about Ryuzaki, but they just stared at me with tired, stressed eyes.

For some reason, I couldn't look them in the eye. I think a part of me was embarrassed for having acted the way I did. Screaming and swearing and punching. My mother would have been mortified if she had seen how I had just behaved. But my mother didn't know the life I was living. My life had been far from normal for a long time. The way things were and the way people behaved were different from anything I had ever encountered in society. We lived in our own, little fortress unbeknownst to anyone else on the outside, where threats and confinement and masterful plans of wit and deception were the laws of the land. And it sickened me to realize that I was used to it, that I had become accustomed to these "laws" that ruled my existence.

"Is there anything we can do, Etsuko?"

I looked up at Matsuda's voice, and almost told him 'no,' before I realized there was something he could tell me.

"What does Ryuzaki mean when he says Light's fate is out of his hands? He told me something similar yesterday. Who's controlling Light's fate then? Who would Ryuzaki possibly trust enough?"

Matsuda and Aizawa looked at each other as if they were weighing the odds of some dangerous play. I could tell they came to some kind of agreement as Matsuda nodded a little and Aizawa shifted his gaze back to me.

"Honestly, Miss Yagami, we still don't know-"

"Please, don't lie to me-"

"No, really," Aizawa solidly responded. "We don't know any of the details. We expect to find out late this afternoon. Ryuzaki won't tell us anything until then."

My brow furrowed and I shook my head. "So, something's happening this afternoon?"

"Supposedly," Aizawa replied. He then raised his eyes slightly towards the corners of the hallway and I knew he was thinking about the cameras that Ryuzaki had installed outside my room. He didn't want to say too much, in case Ryuzaki was watching. I nodded, communicating that I understood that he couldn't say anything more. I didn't want to get Aizawa and Matsuda in any more trouble then they probably already were by having them tell me more of Ryuzaki's plan.

I retreated to my room (after consoling Matsuda that I was okay multiple times) and waited for something to happen. What that something was, I had no clue. Whether something was really going to happen at all, was even more troublesome to think upon.

I was waiting, crouched in a chair facing the window, when there was finally a knock on my door around nine o'clock. Feeling lethargic with worry and confusion, I simply called out, believing it was Matsuda, "You can come in, Matsuda."

I heard the door open and someone take a few steps across the carpet towards me. The person stopped and silently stood behind my chair. Thinking it very strange that Matsuda hadn't said anything yet, I shifted around in my chair and inquired, "Matsuda?"

I sucked in a gasp of surprise when I saw Uncle Soichiro standing before me, as if he was a ghost and had just appeared out of thin air. He was dressed in his regular work clothes and was freshly shaved. He appeared a little thinner since the last time I had seen him over a month ago, but he didn't look near as dejected as he had appeared when in confinement. But there was still a sadness in his eyes, a kind of regret over something that he had done perhaps.

"Etsuko."

At the sound of my uncle's voice, I uncurled from my chair and approached him, arms wide open to embrace him. Uncle returned my embrace silently. We both let out long, heavy sighs, as if our reunion had released heavy burdens that we had been carrying.

I mumbled into his suit jacket, "Uncle, there's so much that's happened. Ryuzaki told me that-"

"Yes, I know. Aizawa told me everything," uncle morosely responded, his last words hard and stern; no doubt he had not been pleased when he had found out about Ryuzaki's doings.

I continued, still talking into the side of his jacket, "And why have you been released? I thought that-"

"Etsuko, there's so much to say, but such little time to tell it all," uncle softly cut me off again, his voice tired and strained.

My brow furrowed and I looked up at him in confusion. "What do you mean there's such little time?"

The exhaustion and tension suddenly disappeared from uncle's face as he kindly smiled at me and said, "Come with me."

He led me down the hallway and opened the door to one of the unused bedrooms. Time seemed to slow down as my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting of the room and as I realized who it was I was looking at.

Light stood against the drapes that shielded the wall-length window, his eyes focused directly at the door I had just walked through. Our eyes made contact instantly and we stared at each other in silent contemplation. I could feel my jaw grow slack and my mouth drop open. I could feel my eyes grow larger and imagined my pupils widening until they filled my whole eyes with black. Light adorned a crooked, gentle smile, still not uttering one word.

Finally –

"Light?"

"Etsuko, I-"

But he had no chance. His voice had made him real. Before, he seemed almost like a ghostly figure standing silently in that warm, orange light. But his words had broken my shock at seeing him face-to-face and he had become my flesh and bone cousin who was unexpectedly out of confinement. He had barely uttered his words before I had rushed towards him and smothered him in a tight bear hug.

I could feel the vibration of a quiet chuckle make its way up through his chest as he softly laughed, "Aren't you wondering what's going-"

"Yes, but right now I just want to give you a hug," I mumbled into the side of his shirt. He was back in his normal everyday clothes; the dark shirt and pants were gone – hopefully in some trash can somewhere.

Light gave my shoulder a supportive squeeze and we stood in silence for a bit. The length of time since I had last spoken to my cousin had been over a month ago, but it felt much longer. It felt like several months. And as I stood in his warm embrace, I realized that in some ways it had been months. Light had been so distant and cold and even frightening at times. But now his voice had returned to its pleasant, friendly pitch, and his embrace was natural and not stiff and tense. And his eyes shone not with a steely, intimidating edge, but with a warm, soft glow that seemed to console and support. Something had happened to Light, and whatever it was had seemed to erase the last several months of who he had been, and he was now once again the cousin I knew. The cousin I had known my whole life.

I pulled away a little bit and looked up into his eyes. He smirked down at me and nodded a little, as if to say _"What's up?"_

My words seemed to exude the smile that I wore on my face as I whispered, "You're back."

Light smiled back and nodded. "I know. I was released-"

"No," I softly interrupted him and my smile grew wider. "I mean, _you're_ back."

Light continued to smile down at me, but his brow crinkled a little and it became apparent that he was confused with what I meant. He didn't seem to realize that I meant he hadn't just returned physically, but in every other way as well. But that was okay. I was just so overjoyed that he was okay and out of confinement and back to normal that I could let his puzzlement slide.

I soon realized that my elation wasn't high enough to let everything slide.

I must have been so happy to see Light that my eyesight had failed to see anything else around me. Because there's no way in any other situation I wouldn't have caught sight of what was horribly coiled around Light's wrist. It was only after we had ended our hug and taken a step back from each other when I discovered the chain.

Light instantly noticed where my line of sight had drifted and tried to console me. "It's okay, Etsu, it's okay."

I wanted to tell Light that it wasn't okay. That him wearing a chain reminded me of that nightmare I had had where I was chained and he had thrown me off a balcony and how horrible that had been as only a dream. But I didn't get the chance, because almost as soon as Light had spoken, none other than that scumbag Ryuzaki stepped around from behind the drapes and stood before Light and I. With a surge of nausea, I saw his wrist was chained as well and that the single chain connected him with Light.

Ryuzaki's dull voice upset my stomach even more as he drawled out, "Good evening, Miss Yagami."

I could feel a gurgle of a growl rumble up my throat and I lunged for him. Light swiftly grabbed onto my arm and pulled me away from Ryuzaki. He continued holding onto my arm gently as he stared wildly down at me.

"Whoa, whoa! Were you actually going to hurt Ryuzaki?"

I panted out, my words dripping with hatred aimed towards Ryuzaki, "I've shed a little bit of my politeness since I last saw you, Light."

Light blinked rapidly as he continued to stare with astonishment at me and then mumbled as his eyes drifted over to Ryuzaki, "I guess that explains Ryuzaki's face, huh?"

Sure enough, there was a slight tinge of purple that tarnished Ryuzaki's pale skin right underneath his lip. Light got his answer from me as a slight, devious smirk appeared on my face as I stared at Ryuzaki's bruise.

"Yes. And after everything he's put you, uncle, and I through, I believe it's completely justified. But now this," I spat out as I nodded towards the chain on Ryuzaki's wrist. "I think he deserves even more with how he's got you chained up."

"Ryuzaki can explain, Etsuko," Uncle Soichiro quickly voiced as he stepped towards us and nervously eyed my balled up fists.

"Yes, Ryuzaki can explain, Etsuko-"

"Your cousin will no longer be in confinement, Miss Yagami," Ryuzaki began, after he rudely interrupted Light. "Your uncle and I have come to an agreement that Light will continue to work with the task force in capturing Kira, as he did before. The chain that connects us is part of the agreement, which Light has also agreed to."

"Why?! Because you're still suspicious of Light!? And what happened this afternoon that made you decide to release Light and uncle?"

"Don't worry, Etsuko! It's nothing for you to be concerned of," uncle urgently piped in, his eyes nervous and wary for me to know the truth.

"No, dad. She deserves to know."

I spun around to face Light. He had his arms crossed, his eyes closed, and his brow creased with lines of deep thinking. "Etsuko may not have wanted to know before, but she seems more insistent that we tell her things now. It's the right thing to do."

I actually smiled in the midst of the confusion. Light wanted to tell me the truth. He wasn't being all secretive like he had been for months. He wanted to be honest with me and it made my heart swell with relief and joy.

Light opened his eyes and turned to me. "Ryuzaki and dad had it arranged for me to go through a mock execution and-"

"WHAT?!"

Light, Uncle Soichiro, and Ryuzaki all cringed as my voice reached a level of shrillness that I believe no one had ever heard before. My own ears rang a little bit afterwards.

Light hastily carried on, "They wanted to test if I was Kira or not. Ryuzaki rationalized that if I was Kira, I would have...I would have killed dad in order to escape execution." Light looked away for a second in discomfort; surely the thought of killing his own father was distressing to him.

"But, of course, I didn't do any such thing, and so now I'm released and will be working side by side with Ryuzaki and the task force to bring Kira to justice."

"But Ryuzaki's still suspicious of you, even after you proved that you're not Kira? Is he serious?" I sputtered out in disbelief, not even paying any attention to Ryuzaki who was standing a little behind Light.

Light sighed and looked a little ways off to the side. "Ryuzaki thinks it may be possible that Kira had been controlling me. That I, subconsciously, was Kira."

I wanted to argue his point, but I stopped myself and paused to think. As crazy as Ryuzaki's theory was, I couldn't come up with any explanation myself. Could it have been possible that Light had really been controlled by Kira? That he had killed all of those people without even being aware of it? I thought of how he had acted the past several months. I even remembered Light proposing such a theory right before he had entered confinement. Could it really be possible, however impossible it seemed?

Light noticed my distressed look as I was trying to make sense of such a theory and turned me slightly to face him. "Listen, Etsuko, there's no sense trying to figure out how that could possibly happen. The only thing to know is that we're going to catch Kira, the real Kira, and everything's going to be sorted out. This whole thing..." Light jingled the chain slightly. "...is just an inconvenience that I need to endure for a little while. It's not going to last long, because I'm confident that we'll catch Kira soon."

"Exactly. Just like Light said," uncle eagerly added.

I tried to take in their reassurances (and I was to a degree), but I couldn't help but worry that one of the things I really yearned for was not going to happen still.

Without turning to face Ryuzaki, I stiffly asked, "Will I still have to stay here? Living in hotel room after hotel room?"

Ryuzaki was quick to answer. "No."

My heart skipped a beat in complete elation, until Ryuzaki cruelly snatched that joy away with his next words.

"We will not be moving from hotel to hotel anymore, Miss Yagami. I have had a facility built that the task force and you will be moving into in a few days."

"It's not home, but it has top-notch features and you'll have your own bedroom and living area and-"

"And you won't have to worry about packing up your suitcase and moving every couple of weeks," Light cut off uncle, trying to convince me that my new living situation wasn't all that bad.

I nodded and smiled to reassure uncle and Light, but I was still crushed that I wouldn't be able to return home.

_Home. Huh, what is home anymore? Home has been numerous hotels since January. It's been over half a year since 'home' was actually my real home._

"There's also one other thing."

Light looked a little bit uncomfortable and shy with what he was planning on saying next. He scratched his head, the chain on his wrist jingling faintly, and shrugged a little. "Uh, maybe, you could tell her, Ryuzaki."

I thought I could detect a slight smirk on Ryuzaki's face as he dryly responded, "Why, Light? It would be best for Miss Yagami to hear the news from you. Misa is your girlfriend after all."

"Girlfriend?! You have a girlfriend, Light?" I squealed with excitement and surprise.

Light groaned and flashed Ryuzaki an annoyed look. "She's not really my girlfriend, Etsuko. She's just some girl who thinks she's my girlfriend, but it's completely one-sided."

"Oh, really?" I skeptically asked as my eyes scrutinized Light's face and reaction.

Light frowned at my teasing smirk. He huffed softly and crossed his arms. "Yes really. She's going to be staying at the facility as well. There's no reason for you two to become acquainted or have anything to do with one another, but I thought you should know she'll be there as well."

"There's no way you're going to get away without telling me more about this "fake" girlfriend of yours, but all I want to know now is why on earth she'd be staying with the task force and – oh!"

Light's eyes darted to mine as realization struck me. Uncle Soichiro casually watched us talk, while Ryuzaki looked downright bored with the topic of Light's supposed girlfriend.

My eyes widened as I pieced things together. "Your girlfriend – oh, alright, non-girlfriend..." I clarified as Light shot me an annoyed look. "...she's the young woman who was on the other monitor. The one who was bound up and blindfolded. Isn't she?"

"That's enough for now, Miss Yag-"

"Isn't she, Light?" I inquired again, effectively cutting off Ryuzaki. I didn't want to hear his voice, but my cousin's answer instead.

Light's eyes darted to Ryuzaki quickly and he sighed slowly out. "All you need to know is that Misa is in a similar situation as yourself."

I huffed to myself that Light was being stingy with the details. "You mean we're both stuck in crappy situations. Or are there more similarities?"

Light snorted softly in a humourless way. "No, I wouldn't want there to be."

Light's comment confused me, especially since his answer seemed loaded with unspoken meaning. But I had teased him about this Misa girl and didn't want to annoy him anymore with demanding more answers.

Besides, there was no more time to ask anything else. My time was up.

Uncle Soichiro had been right in saying there wasn't much time. Ryuzaki had been "generous" in giving me some time with Light, probably because he knew I would continue to nag him until I could see my cousin. But now he was eager to get rid of me and discuss investigation details with the task force and Light. That was much more important than a reunion of cousins after more than a month.

I wouldn't even grace him with a look and successfully ignored him as I said goodnight to Light. It was difficult to say goodbye to him after not seeing him for over a month. I grumbled and grimaced as I realized that even with Light out of confinement, I couldn't see him alone. Ryuzaki would be there, literally chained to Light's side.

_That scumbag, that lying bastard, that, that, that..._

I decided I would have to come up with more names to call Ryuzaki, even if they would only be voiced in my head. For I would never forgive him for everything that he had done, for all of the lies he had so easily told, for putting me and my family through so much.

As I trudged back to my bedroom, I hoped with all my strength that I would keep such a vow.

**...**

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I remembered a particular tennis match of Light's and what he had said after that match.

It was either his fourth or fifth year of playing tennis. What had started as simply a fun activity at a local community centre to pass the time during summer vacation, quickly transformed into an almost full-time commitment. His natural gift for the sport and his tendency to work hard and to strive for the best thrust him upwards in the ranks of other players, and his talent for the sport soared. At the time of this particular match, my twelve-year-old cousin had been at the top of his division and was well on his way of becoming the junior champion in all of Japan.

It had been a gorgeous spring day in my hometown. Aunt Sachiko and Light had flown to Tottori City for a semi-finals game and my dad, Kaida, I had eagerly gone to support him. Uncle Soichiro had to stay home with a sick Sayu, and my own mother was held up with work deadlines.

I remember it had been a thrilling game! Light's opponent was just as skilled and talented as him, which made the match all the more suspenseful and exciting. I admired the way my cousin leaped and lunged for the ball and how he hit it with such fierce determination and accuracy. I cheered and applauded each time he scored a point, and felt on edge each time he missed a shot. However good his opponent was, in the end Light won the match and quickly ran over to the stands to meet up with his elated fans (otherwise known as his family members).

Aunt Sachiko had given him a big kiss and hug, much to his embarrassment. Light had smiled politely as he tried unsuccessfully to avoid his mother's endearing embraces and kisses. Kaida and I had laughed much to his annoyance. When it came time for me to congratulate him on his win, I spared him more hugs and simply patted him supportively on the shoulder.

"Congratulations, Light!"

Kaida had echoed the sentiment before dashing away to catch up with Aunt Sachiko who had gone to purchase some drinks. My dad had congratulated his nephew with as much gusto as if he was Light's dad, probably to make up for Uncle Soichiro's absence.

"Thanks, Etsuko. Thanks, Uncle Akio," Light good naturedly had said, smiling politely in that fake kind of humbleness that he wore every once and awhile. I knew that he was secretly bursting at the seams with pride at his own performance.

"When you pelted that ball across the net in the last 30 seconds, I was sure it was going to catch flame it was going so fast!" I had exclaimed excitedly, imitating his swinging motions as I relived the moment.

Light's brow had creased a little in confusion and then he had slowly mumbled, "Thirty sec – oh, yeah! I remember now."

I had laughed, "How could you have forgotten? It was such an epic move!"

Light had shrugged. "I'm in a different mindset when I'm on the court."

"But to forget so easily like that?" I had urged on, believing that he was tricking or teasing me.

"Etsuko," my dad had softly said, barely a hint of reprimand in his tone, but I knew he had trying to tell me to tone it down a bit. My dad was never very good at reprimanding my sister and I...he left that up to my mother.

Light hadn't been pulling the wool over my eyes though as he had seriously, patiently continued, "I think when your mind is completely focused on something at a certain period of time, everything else fades away and you almost become a different person. You become more determined, more focused. And then, when you come out of that single minded state, it's almost like you're overwhelmed with your surroundings and even get puzzled or forget what you were just doing. You leave that persona behind and you go back to being yourself."

My dad had smiled and had complimented Light by saying, "How very philosophical of you, Light."

Light had beamed and had graciously responded, "Thank you, uncle."

I had been more skeptical though. "Do you really think you can so easily forget being a certain way, acting a certain way?"

Light had smiled at my skepticism and had continued arguing his point with that convincing, elegant tone of voice he used when trying to convey a point, "Why not? I'm sure there are times you're not conscious of things you're doing or saying or even thinking, Etsuko."

I had thought of that time I had been so busy struggling with math homework that I had completely forgotten about my cooking supper, and had only been reminded of it when the smoke alarm went off from the burning fish in the oven. And then there had been that time when I had been so keen on impressing one of the popular girls in the third grade that I completely ignored the only friend I had. I remembered I had been completely oblivious to the fact that I had meanly ignored her until I had come crawling back to her (after the popular girl refused to be friends) and she refused to play with me anymore.

Maybe it was possible to act and think certain ways without even being conscious of it.

And as I had stared back at my confident cousin, his hair slightly sticking up with sweat and his chest still slightly heaving with the exertion of the game, I came to believe that Light really did believe what he had spoken.

"Well, maybe your point has some validity," I had grudgingly acknowledged.

The conversation had drifted to something completely different once Aunt Sachiko and Kaida returned with the drinks. I didn't dwell on Light's words for the rest of that afternoon and only remembered them years later as I tried to fall asleep.

_Could Light have really killed all those people without being aware of it? Could he have been...?_

It was one thing to lose your focus on your surroundings when in the middle of a high-stakes tennis match, but something altogether different when you were potentially killing criminals without even being aware of it.

**...**

**A/N: Thanks, as always, for reading! :) **


	17. Chapter 17

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: No, I am not dead. I won't waste time saying why it took me two months to update, but that I'm sorry for the long wait and am so grateful that people are still reading my story! Hope it was worth it!**

Chapter 17

"_People are too complicated to have simple labels." – Philip Pullman_

**...**

I gazed up at the sparkling tower. To anyone on the outside, it appeared to be a shimmering, state-of-the-art piece of architecture; a modern day palace. But to me, it was another prison. Shinier than the hotels, but still a confining fortress nonetheless.

_All it needs is a moat filled with alligators. With all the money Ryuzaki must have spent on this building, I'm surprised he didn't have something like that installed to keep anyone from escaping._

I graciously thanked Watari as he exited the car and rolled my suitcase towards the massive steps that led into the front entrance of the building. He had driven me over from the hotel after everyone else had moved in. As far as I knew, the task force, uncle, Light, and Ryuzaki were already inside and hard at work. I probably wouldn't get a chance to even say 'hello' to Light.

Therefore, it was a surprise when Watari and I entered the front doors and found everyone crowded around in the main entrance way. It appeared as if there was some type of squabble going on between Aizawa, Matsuda, and someone else who I couldn't see behind uncle's back. Aizawa was grumbling out annoyed responses, while Matsuda pleaded and tried to be the ever mindful peace maker. Uncle looked wearily on, while Light tried to intervene. Ryuzaki stared on with a bored gaze.

"Matsuda apologized for having dropped your 70,000 yen designer suitcase with all of your designer clothes inside, so we can resolve all of this right now and get moving upstairs!" Aizawa shouted to the unseen figure in the middle of the crowd, his eyes blazing with impatience.

"But how can Misa rely on him to be my manager if he can't even take care of Misa's most precious keepsakes," cried a shrill, high-pitched voice.

"I'm sorry Misa Misa-"

"Listen, Misa, that's enough!" Light cut off Matsuda and stepped closer to the unseen figure, pulling Ryuzaki along with the chain. "You were supposed to have been moved in a half hour ago, but instead you've been wasting time trying to instruct the task force how to carry your luggage."

"But, Light, Misa's belongings are very important and-"

"What's going on here?"

Everyone stopped talking and turned towards my voice, their expressions surprised and a little on edge, as if they weren't expecting me and didn't want me to see the whole commotion going on. I later realized it wasn't the commotion they were worried about me seeing, but the person instead who had started it.

"Ooohhhh, who are you? Come on, Light, we must introduce ourselves!"

I finally caught a glimpse of the owner of the high-pitched voice as she squeezed out of the crowd of people, dragging Light behind her (and simultaneously dragging Ryuzaki as well). All I could see was a blur of bright, blonde hair and a whole lot of pink fabric as a young woman raced up towards me. She stopped a mere inches away from me and stared with eager, excited eyes at my face.

I got a better look at her once she came to a halt in front of me. She did indeed have a full head of bleached blond hair, mostly down except for two perky pigtails at the top of her head. She was dressed all in pink: tank top, miniskirt, fishnet stockings, high heels, even all of the jewelry she had draped around her neck and wrists had pink charms on them. Her eyes seemed huge and glossy with the amount of sparkly, colourful make-up she had applied to her face. Then again, the energy and enthusiasm that radiated from her eyes made me think that, even without make-up, they would have been her defining feature. However, as I snuck a glimpse at her revealing clothes that clung tightly to her slim body, I noticed that this girl had a lot of defining, features.

_Is she a model or something? _

She held herself with confidence and her lively, full-faced smile made you think your own smile was inadequate. I couldn't help but to simply stare at her with something akin to astonishment, this shimmering, sparkling girl who appeared to be over-the-moon with excitement over seeing me. She was like no one I had ever seen before.

"Uh, hello?" I stuttered out, not knowing really what to say.

Suddenly, the girl's eyes grew even wider (if that was possible) and she clasped her hands tightly together in front of her chest. She bounced a little on her feet and cried out with delighted realization, "You're a relative of Light's, aren't you?"

"Huh?" Light and I both uttered as our eyes widened with shock at the girl's insightful exclamation.

"You must be related to Light! You look so much like him!"

I didn't know what she was talking about. Apart from having a somewhat similar shade of brown hair compared to Light, I didn't think I looked like my cousin at all. I didn't have his sharp, noble facial features or his height or anything like that. The fact that this girl, who had never seen me before, so easily picked up on the fact that Light and I were related made me feel a little uneasy. She was very perceptive.

I felt like there was no harm in telling her the truth, since she technically had already figured my identity out. "Uh, yeah. We're cousins. How do you know Lig-"

"Of course! Cousins! Misa's already met his sister and Light would have told me if he had another one! You two look alike and you both have this little wary look in your eyes when you meet people for the first time! Light looked a little unsure when he met Misa for the first time as well!"

"You mean, _you're_ Misa?" I pointed at her timidly, feeling a little confuddled with the whole situation.

"Oh, how rude of Misa for not having made introductions! I'm Misa Amane! How do you do?" The girl giggled and waved her hand enthusiastically at me.

"I'm well, I guess. How do you do?" I returned the question, even though I didn't really need an answer; she appeared to be doing very well based off of her actions and appearance.

"Misa was doing great, until my new manager dropped my suitcase and almost broke the clasp on it even after Misa told him that it cost more than-"

"Alright, Misa, you don't have to give her all the details," Light softly reprimanded, his face scrunched up in a slightly annoyed, exasperated expression.

"Oh, alright, Light. If you say so." Misa pouted cutely in a mock show of offense, but she quickly dropped the frown and adorned a pleasing smile as she grasped onto Light's arm and gazed up at him with adoring, loving eyes.

That's when I realized how big a moron I had been the whole time Misa had been cheerily chirping on. I did sort of know who she was. Light had told me straight up a few days ago that he had a girlfriend (or a fake girlfriend, whatever that meant). As I looked more closely at her, I did indeed recognize her from Ryuzaki's video footage, and it was all too obvious that she was attracted to my cousin by the way she had latched onto him and was staring at him with love-struck eyes.

"You're...you're Light's-"

"Girlfriend! So you do know who Misa is?! That's great! Light must have told you, but Misa doesn't know why he didn't tell me about you. Are you staying here as well? Misa still thinks it's dumb that Misa has to stay here, but at least Misa will be close to Light and-"

"That's enough, Miss Amane! It's time for you to head up to your room or floor or whatever!" Aizawa suddenly stormed up towards us and pointed to the staircase, intending for Misa to head upstairs.

"Oooohhh, no fair! Misa will catch up with you later, okay, uh, um..."

Realizing she wanted my name, I mumbled it out blankly, "Etsuko."

"Etsuko! What a lovely name! We'll catch up and you can tell Misa all about Light up to when Misa met him and-"

"I'll show you to your room, Miss Yagami," Aizawa grumbled as he took hold of my suitcase handle and tried to talk over Misa's voice.

"Oh, thank you, Aizawa."

"Don't mention it," Aizawa muttered bitterly and quickly looked away from me. I flinched a little at his bitterness, but I took it ungrudgingly. I wasn't really in Aizawa's good books since I had practically admitted to Ryuzaki that Aizawa and Matsuda had told me much more than they should have. As punishment, Ryuzaki had made it a requirement that my whole new living area be monitored by cameras to capture any discussion I had with anyone, including the task force. In addition, Ryuzaki intended for me to remain in the facility at all times. He didn't see any problem with that, since I had finished my last term of school. It was another freedom revoked that I was going to have to live with.

I flashed Light a questioning look before I followed after Aizawa.

_I feel very much out-of-the-loop._

Light shot me back a tired, indifferent stare that seemed to say, _"You don't want to know."_

Misa Amane's cheerful exclamations soon grew fainter as she departed with another task force member down another hallway and I continued following Aizawa. We rode up the elevator to the twelfth floor and he simply rolled my suitcase into the front foyer of the floor we had arrived on.

"There you go. If you need anything, there's a phone to contact Watari," Aizawa blankly stated and moved past me to the elevator doors.

"Wait, you mean, this is my living space?" I stuttered out in shock.

Aizawa nodded and disappeared from view as the elevator doors closed with a ding and he descended back down to where we had come from.

I slowly turned around and stared at my new, well, home. It was more than any one person needed. There was a fully equipped and fully stocked kitchen, a brightly lit room that I decided would be a perfect reading room, and a gorgeous living room with gigantic floor length windows that provided a majestic view of downtown. Numerous doors led to more unexplored rooms. I was simply flabbergasted at all the space that I could inhabit. It was overwhelming, but I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement of being so spoiled with such luxury.

_Wait, I'm not being spoiled. Ryuzaki provided this space for everyone, I'm sure. That's why there's so many floors. Each task member gets one. Pfftt, Ryuzaki probably gets five floors all to himself. _

But my inner grumblings surprisingly didn't last long as I began the enjoyable job of deciding which bedroom I wanted to use. I ended up plunking my suitcase down in one of the smaller rooms. It had light blue walls with a few tasteful paintings of Japanese countryside and a simple, yet comfortable bed against the window. It felt calm and peaceful, two things that I felt I needed in my life.

I had only just begun to unpack my suitcase when a loud, long knock sounded at the foyer door. I scrambled up from the mess of clothes I was sitting in and sprinted down the hallway to the door, thinking and hoping it was Matsuda. It had been quite awhile since we had had the chance to hang out. I should have known by the continuous rapping on my door that it wasn't Matsuda. However persistent he was, he wasn't that relentless at getting my attention.

I flung the door open and was audibly smothered by the loud, trilling voice of Misa Amane.

"Etsuko! Misa just had to come see your living space and compare it to mine! Oh, and Misa invited Light for some tea and sweets! He should be here soon!" Misa explained rapidly as she welcomed herself inside and began inspecting the couches and cushions in the living room.

"Y-you mean right now? Light can come visit right now?" I sputtered out as I trailed after Misa, watching her hands dance from one piece of furniture to the next, her hands almost sparkling as the sunlight bounced off of her bracelets and rings.

"He better!" Misa halted her inspection and stood with her cheeks pouted out and her hands on her hips. "Ryuzaki promised Misa that Light could come visit for awhile before he has to get back to the investigation." Misa adopted a dark, semi-threatening tone as she spoke her next words, "If Ryuzaki breaks his promise, then Misa may have to go to extreme measures to get Ryuzaki to cooperate. He can be sure of that."

"Um, yeah, I guess so," I mumbled, a little taken aback by this girl's rapid change of character. I, who prided myself with being able to read people pretty well, couldn't seem to figure out Misa Amane. One second she was bubbly and care free, the next she was threatening and scheming.

"Anyway, that nice old man should be here soon with the tea and dainties! Of course, Misa won't be eating any of the sweets, but they're for Light to enjoy!" Misa quickly switched back to her exuberantly cheerful demeanour and went about tidying the already tidy living room.

I thought I would help her with straightening some of the already straight cushions, if only to do something with my fidgeting fingers. As cheerful and sociable Misa was, I still felt a little unsure of her. It didn't seem natural for someone to be so forthcoming and friendly with someone they had just met. That to me was way too scary - putting oneself in such a vulnerable position. I was scared to take simply one small step into such a socially dangerous zone. Misa practically danced in the middle of it.

"Yeah, I mean, I guess it's pretty close to dinner time and we don't want to ruin our appetites," I agreed polity with her and offered a timid smile.

"Oh, it could be morning, afternoon, evening, or the middle of the night and Misa won't touch anything with more than 100 calories. Any food that has more than that is strictly off-limits! Misa has to watch her figure after all," Misa stated directly and her eyes flashed with dedication. She looked down at her hips and scrutinized them with a critical stare.

I was very much taken aback by her fierce statement and tried to tell her so in a polite, complimenting way, "Misa, you don't need to worry about your weight at all, if that's what you're thinking. You...you could practically be a fashion model." I eyed her lean legs and tight stomach with a slightly envious gaze.

Misa squealed, "You're so clever, Etsuko! You guessed Misa's profession just like that! Misa is still debuting as a model in the technical sense, but Misa has already been featured in a few magazines and independent photo spreads. Television commercials are next! The viewers at home won't know what hit 'em!" Misa giggled and struck a pose with her hips stuck out seductively and her fingers forming a peace sign in front of her face.

_You could definitely say that. _

I couldn't help but laugh a little at Misa's flamboyant actions and over-the-top personality. I wasn't laughing at her, but was laughing with the happiness I felt. Misa radiated joy and it was contagious. I felt a little bit lighter around her. It was a nice change from how I had been feeling lately.

That's not to say that I still didn't feel a little bit intimidated around her, with her exuberant actions and sudden, shrill outbursts, but I was steadily warming up to this fashion model who I practically didn't know anything about.

_Well, I know that she's involved in the Kira case somehow, after witnessing her on that video footage..._

The sudden thought caused my stomach to flip flop nauseatingly, but it disappeared when there was a knock at the door. Misa squealed (a trademark of hers it seemed) and hurried to the door. Light stood waiting there, slightly impatient and skitterish. I imagined he was anxious to get busy with investigating and wasn't as keen to visit, which was understandable when he wanted to clear his name. Ryuzaki stood a little ways behind Light, wearily looking on with bored, blank eyes.

"Welcome! Welcome!" Misa exclaimed as if it was her living space and tugged Light over to the couch and plunked him down beside her. Ryuzaki stumbled along and crouched on the opposite love seat, the chain between him and Light taut and blocking the entrance to the kitchen. I meandered slowly over to the love seat and hesitantly sat down beside Ryuzaki. I scooted as far away from him as I could and went about ignoring him.

"Listen, Misa, I don't have much time. Only about half an hour before I have to get back to the investigation, alright?" Light firmly addressed Misa.

Misa sighed dramatically and tittered, "Very well, Light. If you say so."

I was surprised with how docile and obliging Misa was with Light, when she seemed so independent with everything and everyone else. She had no problem trying to get her way and making quite the scene downstairs in the main entrance way. I supposed she was pretty hooked onto my cousin and wanted to make him happy. I began to wonder how exactly they met and why Light was going along with her loving looks and endearing words if he wasn't attracted to her. It all seemed so sudden and out of the blue. Light had told me nothing about a girlfriend. But then again, he hadn't been telling me a whole lot over the past few months.

Watari soon brought the tea and a platter of dainties. True to her word, Misa didn't pinch one sweet and simply had a cup of decaffeinated tea with no sugar. Light and I were modest with our helpings, which left the rest of the platter to Ryuzaki. True to his actions, he didn't ask if anyone wanted anymore, filled his plate high with the remaining desserts, and occupied his time with scoffing them all down.

Misa directed the conversation from the get-go and barely let anyone have a word in edgewise. I didn't mind, always preferring to simply sit and listen and have someone else take the limelight. Ryuzaki definitely didn't mind either and continued devouring his sweets with quite the miserable expression. I snuck a couple of glances at him from the corner of my eye during the middle of Misa's chatter about photo shoots, fashion designers she was contracted with, and how much she loved Light. As I glanced at Ryuzaki, I was suddenly reminded of one of my mother's sisters-in-law. She had lost her job a few years ago and had fallen into a deep depression. She tried to devour her despair by devouring junk food and her health had failed. Based off of Ryuzaki's gloomy expression and even more ravenous appetite than usual, I wondered if he was depressed.

_What the hell does he have to be depressed about? He gets everything his own way! _

I didn't have long to think about it, because Light decided to include me in the conversation. He abruptly changed the course of the conversation, evidently having gotten tired of hearing about Misa's busy week of photo shoots and meetings at the modeling agency.

"So, Etsuko, how did the last week of school go for you?" Light asked, his eyes focused on me as he leaned forward in his seat, discreetly distancing himself from Misa.

I blinked, taken aback by Light's question.

_He's interested in knowing how my schooling went? He hasn't asked about stuff like that in ages._

"Um, well..." I thought about my last exam that I had just barely passed and shrugged noncommittally. "Good, I guess. It's nice to have a break from studying."

"Oh, what do you study at school, Etsuko?" Misa leaned forward as well, her eyes wide with curiosity. It seemed she wasn't just interested in her own life after all, but wanted to know about others as well.

"I'm studying to be a teacher."

"A teacher! You must love children! Misa loves children as well! Misa wants to have a whole house-full of kids one day," Misa chattered excitedly and looked over at Light, not-so-subtly hinting at who she wanted to have those kids with. Light pretended to not notice.

"Um, yeah, of course," I agreed with Misa, not informing her that the real reason I wanted to teach was because it seemed like a safe profession. Children seemed more trustworthy than adults. And it's not like you were required to give your own opinion on things, but just had to read the notes from the textbooks. It sounded pretty safe to me.

"Yeah, I'm sure it's nice having the break from school and exams and such," Light commented, his pleasant smile morphing into a sad one. I felt sorry for my cousin; he probably missed being on campus and learning. He had been too busy being locked up.

"Do you know how my mom and sister are doing? I imagine Sayu's really excited for summer vacation!" Light perked back up and his smile grew wider.

Again I was taken aback by Light's enthusiasm and interest in knowing about the lives of his family members. He had been so absorbed with his secret thoughts and had distanced himself so far from everyone. It seemed kind of weird for him to once again be asking about family and such. It was a good kind of weird though; it was another sign that he had returned to his normal self.

"I haven't really, um, talked too much to your mom and Sayu actually. From their last e-mail message it sounds like they're doing well. Sayu got an "A" on her geometry test." I smiled sadly, not liking the fact that I really didn't keep in contact too much with my aunt and cousin. Only being allowed to send a few e-mails a week didn't count for much.

"That's good. She's finally getting the hang of it," Light softly commented.

A somewhat morose silence occupied the room suddenly. Light and I were left with our regrets at how things had developed ever since we had both gotten involved in the Kira case. Ryuzaki didn't seem to mind the silence and went about eating his desserts.

But Misa wasn't content with the contemplative silence and piped up in a cheerful voice, "This summer is supposed to be one of the warmest on record! Not too hot, but just warm enough to enjoy the outdoors! Which is a very, very good thing, since Misa has a lot of outdoor photo shoots coming up and..."

Light and I listened politely to Misa continue on about her modeling schedule and ignored the lingering feeling of regret that we both shared. Misa provided enough enthusiasm and happiness for everyone else in the room, and I enjoyed being in her bubbly company. She provided a good distraction from anything negative by providing constant optimism and joy.

Light was true to his word and, once half an hour had passed, him and Ryuzaki headed towards the door to the elevator. Light actually gave me a hug before he left, which threw me off for a second. Maybe he had actually missed being in the company of family just as much as I had.

_You're back to normal, Light. But why had you been so different before? Why have you suddenly gone back to normal after so many months of being anything but normal?_

Those questions haunted me as Light headed out the door, a friendly smile still on his lips, but they quickly fled away when Ryuzaki bumped clumsily into me. I stumbled and flashed him an annoyed glare.

"Pardon me, Miss Yagami," Ryuzaki muttered under his breath. They were the only words he had spoken the entire visit. Before I could say anything or shoot him another glare, he had followed Light out the door and they were both gone.

Misa stood staring at the door, her eyes twinkling with longing. "Oh, Misa wishes Light could have stayed more! Misa misses him so much!"

I smiled sympathetically at Misa as she sighed deeply.

_You and me both, Misa._

Now that Light had departed, Misa appeared to grow bored with my "apartment" (or maybe it was more like a penthouse?) and dismissively, but politely said, "Well, it was nice visiting, Etsuko, but Misa has to get back to practicing her poses for the photo shoot tomorrow. They take a lot of work and Misa wants to be a pro at every pose the photographer may insist upon. Okey-dokey?"

I nodded. "Okay, Misa. Thanks for, um, coming over."

I began to feel the heavy weight of loneliness descend upon me as I watched Misa struggle with slipping into her high heels. I would have thought that I would be "okey-dokey" with being all by myself all the time, but I wasn't. I wanted to be around people, even someone I had just met, like Misa. Maybe Misa's friendliness was just politeness and maybe she didn't want to get to know –

"Oh, and Misa was thinking about getting together for breakfast tomorrow! Misa's already seen your suite, so it only makes sense for you to see Misa's suite! Nine o'clock sound good? Oh, and Misa is on the fourteenth floor! Okay, Etsuko?"

My loneliness quickly evaporated before it had a chance to settle into my bones and a genuine, broad smile covered my face. I nodded enthusiastically and beamed. "Yes, sounds great, Misa."

Misa returned my smile ten times brighter and scurried out the door. My smile remained as I was left to myself.

_Maybe we can actually be friends. I'm sort of scared to just plunge into a friendship so suddenly, but she seems alright. A bit overwhelming and confusing at times, but we'll see. We're going to need the company or else we're both going to go bat shit crazy._

I probably would have continued smiling for another whole minute if it wasn't for the discovery I quickly made right after Misa had left. As I plunked down on the couch, I felt a lump in the pocket of my jeans. I frowned in confusion and fished out whatever was in my pocket. My frown deepened as I discovered what it was.

It was a cell phone. Not my cell phone which had been confiscated months ago, but it seemed ordinary enough. I flicked it open and scrolled through the contacts. The only people listed were the members of the task force, Watari, and Ryuzaki. Light wasn't included. I tried adding Light's cell phone number, but it wouldn't work and refused to accept any new contact. I concluded it must have been tampered with.

Before I could begin to wonder how it had found its way into my pocket, I saw a little icon of an unopened envelope in the corner of the screen. I had one new text message. I opened up the message and read the short, but concise message.

**Miss Yagami, **

**If you at any time have any thoughts regarding Light or begin to witness a change in him again, please consider sending me a message. I value your opinion. **

**Ryuzaki**

I angrily snapped the phone close the second I had finished reading the text and tossed it across the couch, scowling at it. I wasn't even going to grace him with a response declining any such opinion.

_He's got to be crazy to think that I would even speak with him, let alone help him out with anything after everything he's done. _

It bothered me beyond words how Ryuzaki could still suspect Light after Light had practically proven his innocence. Niggling thoughts popped into my head about Light's distant, frightening behaviour and how he himself had suggested the theory about unconsciously being Kira. I decided to drown them with switching on the TV and watching mindless television. Even though I wanted answers to some things, I couldn't help still relishing the comforting feeling that ignorance brought.

**...**

My appetite was pretty much non-existent as I knocked at Misa's door the next morning. I had brought a small Tupperware of freshly cut assorted fruit that I had found in the fridge. I thought I would bring something along to our visit. I didn't think I would be so nervous, but as I waited for her to answer the door, I realized how new an experience this all was for me.

_It's pretty pathetic that at twenty-one I'm nervous about visiting with someone. I guess I haven't really had much practice. I mean, I never just hung out with peers from school and even with Fumiko it was just to study and – gosh, what am I going to do if I don't –_

The door suddenly swung open and Misa's cheerful face appeared at the door. "Good morning, Etsuko! Come on in!"

A small smile tugged at my lips and my discomfort and worry dissolved a little bit. Misa began to chatter about her day's schedule and what she was thinking of wearing and other things as she pranced about the kitchen getting things organized. I began to realize that, with Misa Amane, the limelight always appeared to be focused on her. Even if she wasn't intending to hog it, a constant spotlight seemed to hover over her. Such was the brightness of her personality. Such was the attention-grab of her trilling voice and over-the-top appearance. She was like a blinding, shining lamp and other people were the moths that couldn't help but be attracted to her source of light.

I settled down even more as I looked at all of the food displayed on the counter.

_This is going to be okay. I don't need to feel the pressure of having to say anything, because Misa can fill up the silence at any point. She happily will guide the visit and I can just sit back and take it all in._

"Misa's been very busy fixing up and baking everything that Misa could find in the kitchen for breakfast! Take whatever you desire, Etsuko!" Misa exclaimed as she untied a frilly black and pink apron from around her waist.

It would take us a whole day to finish off all of the food that Misa had whipped up. The counter was jam-packed with bowls of rice and eggs, pancakes and waffles, trays of assorted meats and fish, and pitchers of various juices. A large coffee pot sat steaming at the edge of the counter. My little Tupperware of fruit suddenly looked rather pathetic.

"Um, I guess I'll start at this end." I grabbed a plate and stabbed a pancake with my fork. "What are you going to start with, Misa?"

"Oh, this is all for you, Etsuko! Misa just has a nice bowl of oatmeal. Remember? Misa doesn't eat anything that has-"

"—More than 100 calories. I remember. Well, I brought some fruit. I don't know if that will add too much to your calorie count."

"Oh, how sweet of you, Etsuko! Misa will definitely take some fruit." Misa lifted the lid off the Tupperware container and, after deliberating for a second on which fruit to take, she forked one strawberry and dropped it into her oatmeal. She then scampered over to the dining room table.

After filling my plate full of the delicious food (my appetite had returned quite speedily), I plunked myself down across from Misa at the table and dived into my breakfast. It didn't take Misa very long to finish her oatmeal (and one strawberry), so she was the one who mainly did all of the talking as I ate away. I listened attentively and found myself actually being interested in learning about a model's day-to-day life. Just like I had anticipated, Misa did most of the talking while I just sat back and listened. However, I did watch for a break in the conversation to pose a few questions to Misa. There were some things that I needed to find out.

At the first beat of silence, I set my fork down and cleared my throat. "So, um...Misa, do you mind if I ask something, um, personal?"

Misa didn't look offended or uncomfortable at all as she set down her cup of tea and smiled. "No, no, Etsuko! Ask Misa anything."

I smiled gratefully and timidly asked, "How did you and Light meet?"

Misa's face lit up and her cheeks flushed pink. She straightened in her seat and excitedly burst out, "Oh, that's what you were wondering about? Misa's always happy to talk about the first time Misa and Light met!"

Misa folded her hands in her lap daintily and slowly breathed out a sigh that seemed almost nostalgic, as if Light and her had been dating for years. "We met at Aoyama. Misa saw him and fell in love with him at first sight! It really does happen, you know."

"Wait, you met him at Aoyama? Was it this past spring?" I sat forward in my seat, suddenly more interested than I was before. And also more confused.

_Did Misa meet Light when we were at Aoyama that day? Did Matsuda and I somehow not notice Light meeting someone? Or was Misa one of those university students? No, I would have remembered someone like Misa in the crowd of Light's friends._

"Why yes it was! We started hanging out at his house and Misa met his mother and sister. We had wonderful times visiting and talking about...um, about..." Misa suddenly looked confused and she blinked rapidly, as if trying to recall a distant memory. She shook her head dismissively and perked back up. "...about, um, all sorts of things."

"So, you've only really just gotten to know Light?" I clarified.

"We've only known each other for a couple of months." Misa went silent for a second and her smile disappeared into a pouty frown. "A lot of that time was spent being locked away from Light."

I remembered the brief images I saw of Misa being confined. The remains of my breakfast churned nauseatingly in my stomach as I recalled the image of Misa being blindfolded and straight-jacketed to a chair.

"Did Ryuzaki do that to you too, Etsuko?"

I looked up at Misa. She was curiously staring at me and it seemed that her thoughts regarding her own confinement had fled away. I wondered how someone could so easily speak about being confined like that for months and then move away from that topic so rapidly. Then again, she probably didn't want to speak about it or think about it for long.

"Uh, no, he didn't," I quietly answered, realizing how lucky I really was compared to what Misa had to go through. My version of confinement was like a vacation compared to hers.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Misa." I felt like Misa deserved an apology for what she had to go through, even if it wasn't from the jerk who had put her through that imprisonment.

"Misa's sorry, too," Misa solemnly replied. She quickly perked up though, confirming my theory that she could only tolerate small doses of remembering such horrible memories. "But it's all over now!"

But even though Misa wanted to move on, I couldn't. I couldn't let it go that Ryuzaki could do something so horrible to someone and get away with it. I knew I couldn't actually punish Ryuzaki, but I could bad talk him as much as I could. It was the only way I knew how to let my frustration and rage out.

And so I selfishly continued on with the topic, even though I'm sure Misa just wanted to let it go.

"I know it's over, but it was so unethical, Misa. The police aren't even allowed to imprison someone like that."

Misa titled her head to the side and nodded slowly. "Mmm, no. Misa has never heard the police doing that-"

"I mean, it's beyond unethical. It's criminal!" I interrupted, my anger growing stronger and fiercer. "Anyone else would have been arrested for doing something like that, but because it's-"

"So, you don't like Ryuzaki either, huh, Etsuko?"

My anger simmered down and I coldly responded, "No. I don't."

Misa crossed her arms and sat back, her expression somewhat stormy as well. "Misa doesn't like him either. After what he did to Misa and how he has Light chained up like that. And he's super creepy!"

"And completely deceitful and untrustworthy and-"

"And so pushy and-"

"And even gross at times! I mean, have you seen him eat?"

Misa giggled and rocked back and forth in her chair in amusement. I chuckled softly and we tittered with small bouts of laughter for several seconds.

Misa wiped the corners of her eyes with the tip of her glossy finger nail and softly laughed, "Who made him king of the investigation? Misa thinks he's from a different planet altogether!"

My laughter got cut short as I took in Misa's words. Did she honestly not know who Ryuzaki actually was? It appeared she didn't. I had the sudden urge to inform her of who the weirdo with the insatiable appetite was, but mentally stopped myself before I could even open my mouth. And it wasn't just because there were security cameras filming our conversation. As much as I hated Ryuzaki, I didn't feel like it was right for me to just blurt out his real identity to someone I had practically just met.

_Misa seems trustworthy enough, but I feel it may not be a good idea telling her. I don't know why but –_

"So, why do you hate Ryuzaki, Etsuko? He must have done something to tick you off?" Misa good naturedly asked and her face shone with a delightful look. It was as if she was asking me why I liked someone, instead of why I hated their guts.

"Um, well, I viewed some confidential information accidentally and Ryuzaki forbid me to leave in case I exposed it to the public. I mean, that's what he initially said, but..." I trailed off, trying to figure out how I could summarize everything that had happened since January.

I ended up shrugging and indifferently saying, "The gist of it is that he's lied to me plenty of times and has tried using me against Light. And he's separated me from my family for over half a year now."

"No! Really?! That Ryuzaki is a right dodo brain! Misa thinks he needs his brain checked! If he tried to use Misa against Light, Misa would punch him out! Misa would really do it!" Misa exclaimed and she bunched up her fists as if ready to strike.

_You wouldn't be the first person to do so, Misa. _

"Boy, that Ryuzaki has some crazy delusions! He even thought that Misa was the Second Kira! Can you believe that?" Misa laughed and shook her head in amused disbelief.

I followed Misa's lead and laughed to be polite, but it was forced. It had occurred to me that Misa had been the Second Kira suspect that Matsuda had informed me about months ago, but it seemed absolutely unbelievable that Misa could be the helping hand of Kira. This girl? Who was unbelievably cheerful and full of life? Who seemed solely focused on advancing her modelling career and becoming closer to Light? No, it was seriously delusional to think that she could have killed people. That she could have killed Ukita.

However crazy it was to think of Misa being the Second Kira, I wouldn't dare ask her about her views on Kira though. Ryuzaki had bizarre theories on who Kira was, but he wouldn't confine someone with no reason or any supposed evidence. I realized that my hesitancy to tell Misa about Ryuzaki's true identity stemmed from the same hesitancy to ask her about her feelings towards Kira. Whatever Misa's involvement was with the case, Ryuzaki felt the need to confine her for months. And was still monitoring her. That was enough to keep me from speaking or asking too much. Breakfast had gone well, but now my walls were up.

I wiped my palms on my jeans and fiddled with my fork, suddenly feeling on edge and queasy. Misa didn't seem to clue in on my nervousness and continued on.

"And being separated from your family – that's horrible, Etsuko! Misa thinks you're tough for dealing with that!"

Not really knowing what to say, but just wanting the attention away from me, I sputtered out, "Isn't your family wondering about your absence, Misa? They must be worried about you."

Misa suddenly went very still and silent. She appeared to grow rigid and her lips quivered a tad. But it was her eyes that startled me. They seemed to fill up her whole face as they unblinkingly stared straight ahead, a distant and dark emotion swirling behind her irises. Her large, unblinking eyes reminded me of a doll's eyes; they were unfeeling and almost lifeless except for that dark gaze.

Misa's voice broke the uncomfortable silence after a few seconds, and when she spoke her words came out dripping with a disturbingly eerie admiration.

"Misa has great respect for Kira. He's been able to get rid of so many bad people. Misa can only hope that he will continue to bring about justice. That he will continue to punish those who do not deserve to live. It is one of Misa's fondest wishes."

My stomach felt like it was curling and snarling itself up into a giant mess of knots and tangles. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't tear my frightened eyes away from Misa's large eyes, which had taken on a kind of delighted, faraway look, as if she was daydreaming about criminals getting killed by Kira right then and there.

_Whoa. What did I just stumble into? I thought I had asked a perfectly safe question, but now I'm in way over my head. So much for not finding out about Misa's views on Kira. She's a die-hard Kira supporter. Or more like a Kira worshiper by the sounds of it._

Suddenly, I realized that I needed to act fast. Misa was bound to ask me about my views regarding Kira and I couldn't let that happen. What would a staunch supporter of Kira think or do if I admitted that I found Kira scary and unmerciful and evil? Or was he completely evil? He had killed Kawaguchi, the would-be killer of my father. But was that any true justification for not considering him truly evil? My head felt like it was going to explode from the inside out as I tried to sort my opinions out into one concise, one-sided argument. I only realized later that when it came to Kira, it wasn't as easy as it seemed to sort out which side you truly were on. If there really were only two sides to begin with, or maybe –

"Anyway, Etsuko, what do you-"

"Did you want me to give you those tips about what Light likes and stuff? I know you were asking about that earlier on and now is just as good as later to tell you, right?" I interrupted Misa in a panicky voice before she had the chance to ask me the dreaded question. I began clearing the plates away to keep my shaking hands busy.

Misa barely blinked at my hasty change of topic and brightened up considerably at the new topic of conversation. "Oh, Etsuko! That would be totally, wonderfully great! Misa would always be indebted to you for helping Misa out! Misa loves Light more than anyone else, but Misa could always do with some tips on how to make Light even happier and closer to Misa."

Misa grabbed a plate and followed me into the kitchen as I began to load the dishwasher. I released a sigh of relief and began to rattle off a list of things that Light liked to do in his spare time, what he liked to eat, and a bunch of other random things that my cousin enjoyed. My list kept Misa occupied for the remainder of my visit, and she only had loaded one dish before scampering off to her bedroom in order to grab a pen and paper to write down the tips I offered. I cleaned up the kitchen and dining room feeling slightly dazed.

_One second she's menacingly whispering her fierce devotion to Kira, a mass murderer, and the next second she's bouncing off the walls writing tips about how to please Light. Does she have a split personality or something? I figured out that Misa can be overwhelming, but I didn't know she could be so dark and...frightening._

Disappointment weighed down on me as I continued cleaning up. I had been steadily giving Misa bits of my trust, but now I wasn't too sure how much more I wanted to progress with our acquaintance-ship. Her brief moment of admiration towards Kira frightened me. I had never met a supporter of Kira, and not knowing what to expect from such a supporter made me cautious and suspicious. I would have to be more careful with how close I got to Misa Amane.

After Misa was content with the list of tips I had given her, we parted ways on extremely good terms according to her. She smothered me in a hug so tight I felt like I couldn't properly breathe and she wouldn't stop thanking me. I couldn't help but smile at her gratitude and cheerfulness and left feeling torn inside. I felt somewhat wary about Misa, but I also liked being in her bubbly presence. Was that normal? Was it okay to like certain parts of a person and not other parts? To agree with some things and not other things? Were there some things that shouldn't be tolerated, like supporting Kira? Or was it more advisable to be more tolerant and respectful of differences between us? The fact that I never really had any close or even near-to-close friends didn't help with making any decisions.

And then there were those tiny, struggling strings of thought that wouldn't leave me alone and which gave me the creeps without me completely knowing why.

_Why didn't Misa answer my question regarding her family? Why did she switch instantly to sharing her thoughts on Kira? Is there some connection between her family and Kira? _

The one thing I could agree on within myself was that I didn't want the answers to those worrisome questions. Not now and maybe never.

**...**

"**...join us for the next hour as we explore the mysterious coral reefs of the-"**

I sighed loudly as I flipped through the TV channels, bored and tired with all my spare time. Everyone was occupied with the Kira case (or thinking about Light, as I'm sure Misa was doing) and I was doing nothing. My boredom was becoming so insufferable that I began to consider studying for my next term of school.

I began to talk to myself, if only to fill the huge amount of space with some form of sound. "It's pretty sad that I would start thinking about studying for next term already when it hasn't been too long since-"

_**Crash!**_

I almost choked on my gum at the startling, crashing sound one floor above me.

_What the hell was that?! It sounded like something heavy fell._

I stood up from the couch, suddenly alert and curious. I stared at the ceiling, as if it was going to provide me with answers. It was in that pondering silence when I heard a distant, muffled voice. Even from one floor down it sounded argumentative and heated.

_That voice doesn't sound like Misa's. In fact, it sounds a lot like Lig -_

_**SMASH!**_

I yipped a little scream as something else crashed down on Misa's floor, this time louder and seemingly heavier. My curiosity morphed into concern as I wondered if Misa was in trouble and, without a second more to think things over, I dashed towards the elevator and raced up to Misa's floor. It took me less than a minute before I was at Misa's door and loudly knocking upon it. Now that I was on her floor, it was audibly clear that there was some type of heated discussion going on. Light's voice had momentarily gone silent, but a second voice could be heard that was quieter, but still persistent and convinced.

And it wasn't Misa's voice. It sounded like...

"Misa, is everything okay? I'm, I'm coming in, okay?" I tentatively called as I leaned in close to her door, hoping she was going to be able to hear me.

Misa's door was unlocked and I hesitantly entered her suite and scurried down the hallway towards the apparent source of the argument.

As I dashed down the hallway, I heard Light's voice bark out in resentment and offense, "...it's as if you won't be satisfied unless I am Kira!"

I sucked in a shocked gasp as I turned the corner and skidded to a halt in front of the three occupants of the room. And quite the trashed room it was as my eyes quickly scanned over the destruction. The coffee table, a potted plant, and the couch had all been toppled over and a few broken plates lay scattered on the carpet, along with a few piles of splotchy pieces of cake. Misa stood cowering in front of the windows, her hands shielding her gaping mouth and her eyes wide with surprise and shock.

And then there was Light and Ryuzaki. They were crouched by the overturned couch, breathing heavily and staring at each with fierce determination. Ryuzaki appeared calmer than Light, who was fuming with rage. I noticed that they both had reddened faces from the exertion and perhaps from actual blows to the face.

I simply continued staring at them with frightened confusion as they continued arguing with each other. They apparently didn't notice my presence or were just ignoring me. Whatever they had been discussing was consuming all of their attention.

Ryuzaki propped himself up a bit more on his feet and mumbled in a reflective tone, "I won't be satisfied unless you're Kira. Well, there may be some truth to that." Ryuzaki's voice grew fainter and more definite. "In fact, now that you mention it, you're right. I think I wanted you to be Kira."

I sucked in a wavering breath of outrage and shock.

_That bastard! How could he –_

_**Pow!**_

I squeaked with surprise and covered my gaping mouth as Light socked Ryuzaki right in the eye! Ryuzaki seemed to quiver with the force that the punch had delivered and Light continued glaring at Ryuzaki, his hand still wedged in Ryuzaki's eye socket.

"As I said before, an eye for an eye. Mphm, I'm a lot stronger than I look you know," Ryuzaki muttered, his toes curling into the carpet as if he was getting steady enough to –

_**Whack!**_

"Ah! Stop it!" I cried as Ryuzaki's foot kicked Light's chin and knocked him backwards. But my voice was not heard (or not heeded) by them and they continued going at it, their hands and legs swinging and kicking in the air as they tried to dole out more damage to one another. The chain that connected them jangled and rattled as it whipped around their ankles and above their heads. I didn't dare step in and try to pull them apart for fear of getting kicked or punched myself. All Misa and I could do was watch nervously until they ceased their fighting.

Suddenly, the telephone rang and both Light and Ryuzaki froze mid-punch and turned towards it. Ryuzaki let go of Light's shirt and crouched down to retrieve the phone. He blandly stated, as if he wasn't in the middle of punching my cousin's lights out, "Yes?"

We all stood silently in the room, wondering who was on the line and what they were phoning about. It was impossible to tell from Ryuzaki's lack of facial expressions and he monotonously replied to the person on the other end, "Oh, I see."

After a few more seconds, Ryuzaki hung up the phone unceremoniously by dropping it back into place with little concern or interest.

Light breathed heavily out, "What was that?"

Ryuzaki stood up and frankly provided the answer, "Matsuda's acting stupid again."

That shook me out of my shocked, silent bewilderment and, without hearing Light's response to Ryuzaki's insult, I clambered over to him and cried out in indignation, "How dare you! You have no right saying that about Matsuda!"

Ryuzaki groaned and turned to Light with a beseeching look, "Light, can you please tell your cousin to be qui-"

"If it wasn't for Matsuda phoning, you two would have still been going at it and probably would have ended up really hurting one another! He was being the mature one and getting you both to stop!"

Light sighed and tried to interrupt my tirade, "Yes, Etsuko, we both got carried away, but we've stopped now and-"

"You ruined Misa's and Light's date! It's bad enough that Misa barely gets any time with Light and has to share him with you, but then you go ahead and completely trash Misa's suite and-"

"What's wrong with you?! How can you want Light to be Kira?!" I cut off Misa, not yet done with chewing Ryuzaki out. Not nearly done.

Ryuzaki stood miserably and silently as Misa and I continued to talk over one another, trying to get Ryuzaki to respond to our accusations. Light just crossed his arms, bowed his head, and sighed as he waited for both of us to stop yelling.

"You once told me that you need concrete proof to make conclusions, and that feelings shouldn't rule what decisions you make! And yet here you are saying that you want Light to be Kira and won't recognize that there's no evidence to convict Light of any such thing!"

Ryuzaki finally answered one of my accusations by groaning out in a bored tone, "A detective's intuition and innate observations are far superior and objective than any opinion or emotion that an ordinary member of the public can boast of, Miss Yagami. Besides, I never said that I wasn't going to find the proof to back up my opinion."

My fists bunched up at my sides and I growled out, "Admit it, Ryuzaki, you're just mad that you were wrong! The world's greatest detective made a mistake and suspected the wrong person. Well, guess what? You've got it let it go and get on with finding the real Kira! I thought you and Light were supposed to be friends! Friends don't go around accusing each other of being mass murderers if they don't have a single shred of evidence!"

What came out of Ryuzaki's mouth next floored me with numbing shock.

"I won't let such a flimsy concept as friendship get in the way of my observations or cloud my deductions."

His words rendered me dumb for a second as I watched him drag Light away towards the door. I quickly recovered my voice though and bitingly snapped with unrestrained contempt, "To think that I actually felt sorry for you at one point."

With a perfectly neutral face and completely emotionless voice, Ryuzaki uttered as he slipped out the door, "I never asked for your sympathy, Miss Yagami. That would simply be a waste of your time."

And just like that he was gone along with Light, leaving Misa and I alone in the trashed room. His words hung in the air though like a heavy fog that wouldn't dissipate.

_What the hell does he mean by that? "A waste of your time." Does he think he's above sympathy, that he doesn't need it?_

After a second though I wondered if it was something else, something more pathetic and sad.

_Maybe he thinks he's beyond sympathy? Maybe he thinks that no amount of sympathy will – will do what? Will make him actually human?!_

The thought, however ridiculous or weird it seemed, stuck with me. Perhaps because there may have been even the tiniest bit of truth to it.

"That scumbag! He thinks he can destroy Misa's room and then just walk away without cleaning it up! Well, Misa's not doing it – no way!"

However much I sympathized with Misa, no mean names or insults for Ryuzaki came to my mind as I began to clean up some of the broken china. For the first time since Matsuda had revealed how much Ryuzaki had been lying to me, I didn't want to completely cuss him out. That tiny bit of sympathy that I had held for Ryuzaki at times nudged its way back into my mind, and however hard I tried to dispel it, it wouldn't disappear.

_I just told him I couldn't believe I had felt sorry for him at one time, and yet here I am feeling sad about what he just said. Feeling, ugh, sympathetic._

"Oh, Etsuko, leave the mess alone! Misa called for Watari. He'll clean it all up," Misa hurriedly reassured me as she slipped off one of her socks which was covered in cake icing. She flopped down on the only upright piece of furniture and sighed as I continued cleaning up.

"It's okay, Misa. I need to do something in order to calm down," I replied as I picked out the tiny pieces of china from the carpet.

"Ugh, tell Misa about it! That kooky Ryuzaki still thinks Light is Kira. That Light was being unconsciously controlled by Kira. Can you believe that?"

I couldn't believe it, but I had heard it before from both Ryuzaki and Light.

"Is that what they had been talking about before they started going at each other?"

Misa nodded and surveyed her nails with a bored, pouty look. "Mm-hmm. Ryuzaki was going on about how he's all depressed because he thought Light was Kira and how he doesn't want to do any work. He's such a lazy slob!"

I sighed as I tossed pieces of broken china into the trash can, "What's it going to take to make him believe Light is innocent?"

"Who knows..." Misa sighed and then sat straighter in her seat and inquired curiously, "Is it true what you said, Etsuko? That Light and Ryuzaki are supposed to be friends?"

"Apparently. Matsuda told me awhile ago that Ryuzaki said that Light was the first friend he ever had."

"Really?! Well, actually when you think about it, it doesn't seem that farfetched. Ryuzaki is not sociable or pleasant enough to have friends."

My fingers stopped suddenly as they reached down to pinch another piece of broken glass. I frowned and my shoulders slumped forward. That damn, annoying smidgen of sympathy appeared again. I quietly responded with less conviction than I wanted to have, "...Ye-yeah. You're right."

Misa leaned towards me to try to see my expression, but I purposely hid my face by turning slightly away to another pile of mess. She had picked up on my downcast silence though and softy, hesitantly asked, "Are you friends with Ryuzaki, Etsuko?"

I jolted upwards from my crouched position on the carpet and flashed Misa a shocked, incredulous look as I spouted boldly, "No! Absolutely not!"

"Oh, alright, of course," Misa hurriedly replied and nodded viciously as she was made well aware of my opinion.

I furiously began to clean up the mess in the living room, stewing in my frustration aimed at Ryuzaki and at myself. I barely acknowledged Misa as she excused herself to her room to get ready for a modelling shoot; I was so engrossed with my inner grumblings.

_Why can't I just hate the guy flat out and that's that? Why do I have to feel bad for him at times? Who cares if he doesn't have any friends or is beyond sympathy or whatever? Why should I care after he's treated me the way he has? Why can't I just have tougher skin like Misa and just hate him?_

I was so consumed with my mental ramblings that I didn't even hear Watari enter the suite until he coughed softly to get my attention. I quickly turned towards him and his case of cleaning supplies and broom.

"Oh, Watari! I didn't hear you enter."

Watari set the broom down and opened the case to pull out some cleaning gloves. "Not to worry, Miss Yagami. I've just come to clean up Miss Amane's apartment."

"Yeah, it's...it's pretty trashed, isn't it?" I surveyed the room, realizing that my little bit of cleaning hardly made a dent in the mess.

"Indeed," Watari good naturedly agreed, showing no sign of frustration that he was expected to clean up the whole mess singlehandedly.

"Do you need any help?" I timidly offered, really not wanting to linger in the room any longer than I needed to; seeing the mess reminded me of Ryuzaki and what he had said to Light.

"Not at all, Miss. Leave it to me." I could see a slight, grateful smile tug at Watari's lips, his grey mustache twitching a little bit as his lips stretched upwards in a grin. He turned away and instantly began to sweep up the broken glass.

"I...I guess I'll be going now then..." I trailed off quietly as I slowly moved towards the door. Watari didn't answer but just continued to sweep. Sweep up the mess that his charge had made.

It suddenly dawned on me that I really didn't know what Watari was to Ryuzaki. His butler, his employee, his keeper? Whatever type of relationship they had, Watari must've known the most about Ryuzaki. Must've known where he came from, how he became the world's greatest detective, why he acted the way he did. Or perhaps he knew just as little about Ryuzaki as the rest of us did? Perhaps Ryuzaki would die taking every detail of his background with him to the grave, unheard and unknown to anyone else living.

Suddenly feeling daring and foolishly hopeful, I turned back to Watari and blurted out hastily, "Do you know why Ryuzaki acts the way he does? Did he have a hard time growing up or is there something emotionally wrong with him or something?"

Watari paused in his sweeping and looked at me with a reflective, faraway look for what seemed like several minutes. It was difficult to determine, but his look had a kind of regretful sadness to it as well.

When Watari finally spoke, his words were heavy with a finality that sounded both rehearsed and starkly genuine, "You are not the first person to ask such questions, Miss Yagami, and I suppose you won't be the last."

And with that answer I turned around and walked out the door having come to the conclusion that Ryuzaki was never going to change. That who he was and how he acted was as solid and sturdy as his very bones. As I descended down in the elevator to my suite, I wondered if Ryuzaki had been born the way he was, all calculating and emotionless. But as I reflected on Watari's somewhat sad expression, I wondered if Ryuzaki had come to be formed by experience into the odd, socially deficient man that he was.

The good old nature versus nurture argument. It had baffled scientists for decades and it surely was going to continue baffling me regarding Ryuzaki.

As I flopped down on the living room couch in my apartment, I realized it didn't matter how Ryuzaki came to be the way he was. Either way, I was going to continue being frustrated and annoyed and downright furious with him at times. And I was also going to continue having spurts of sympathy for him and periods of time where I would wonder with a weird sense of curiosity just who exactly he was and what exactly happened in his past. It was an odd mixture of feelings towards one person.

I suddenly remembered the words my father had spoken months ago at my birthday dinner and smiled to myself as I realized that he was only half right.

"_It's impossible to feel only one extreme way towards a person, because people aren't extremes in themselves."_

The realization and recognition that my father had spoken some truth didn't trouble me as much as what I was going to do with that revelation. If indeed I could do anything with it at all.

**...**

**A/N: Always appreciate feedback! Thanks for reading! **


	18. Chapter 18

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: I hope you enjoy the chapter and thank you to everyone who is still following this story and putting up with my lengthy delays with updating! :S**

Chapter 18

"_Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart." – Christina Westover_

"_That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something." – Meredith Monk_

**...**

"Etsuko? Are you home?"

I stopped mid-stir as my soup bubbled on the stovetop and craned my neck towards the door as Misa continued knocking away. I couldn't help but smile at her question.

"_Are you home?" As if I get out and about on a regular basis._

"Yes, Misa. Come on in!" I called from the kitchen and heard the door open and close. Misa came bounding into the room, her bracelets jingling and her expensive, flowery perfume overpowering the aroma of my dinner.

"Would you like..." my sentence trailed off as Misa quickly shook her head as I motioned towards the pot of soup, offering her some supper. During the past week, Misa had invited herself over to my suite a few times and every time she denied joining me in a meal. I continued to offer; it just felt impolite not to.

"Misa was forced to eat at one of those ritzy restaurants with that creepy, old producer today. He said he wouldn't take "no" for an answer, that an up-and-coming actress needs her strength. But really Misa thinks he just wanted to stare at Misa all afternoon. Pervert," Misa tutted disapprovingly and flipped her hair dismissively, as if accepting that ogling old men were all part of the business of movie making.

I didn't take it so flippantly. "I'm sorry that you have to put up with people like that, Misa. It sounds really uncomfortable," I commented over my shoulder as I threw some chopped onions into the soup.

"Misa can handle herself just fine. That's why Misa wears high heels, just in case some creepy, old perv gets too close." Misa giggled deviously and made a kicking motion with her foot, imagining her foot making fierce contact with the tender nether regions of a man. I snorted quietly at her display.

Misa set her foot back down on the rung of the stool she was sitting on at the kitchen counter and commented kindly, "You worry too much, Etsuko, but that's okay." I turned at her comment and could see in her eyes that she appreciated the concern, however unneeded it really was.

"So, do you have any juicy work stories to tell me today?" I asked and idly stirred the soup as I turned towards Misa, giving her my full attention. I knew full well after only a week of knowing Misa Amane that asking her for gossip would send her off like a shot.

Misa sucked in a shuddering breath full of barely concealed eagerness. She waved her hands excitedly and sputtered out, "You should have seen the mess that hairstylist Miko did with Misa's hair today! Oooooh, Misa could have killed her!"

I laughed and listened attentively as Misa babbled forth a whole slew of gossip about the film crew she was working with. Regular gossip about backstabbing friends or dishonest boyfriends were boring and tiresome compared to the tales Misa eagerly offered when she came over to visit. I found that I would become lost in her funny and over-the-top anecdotes about directors and actors. Misa was allowed to participate in photo shoots and film scenes, while I languished away in my apartment. I suppose I lived through her and her stories whenever I got the chance.

"...Misa wasn't even going to let her take out the bobby pins from Misa's hairdo, but then she started oohhing and aahhing over Kira and Misa found it in her heart to forgive her lack of hairstyling skills."

Misa's words were my cue to quickly attend to my soup. I turned my back to her and sprinkled some pepper and salt in the simmering broth, mentally reminding myself not to appear uncomfortable when I turned back to her. Misa had mentioned Kira a few times when she had come over, and I quickly learned to discipline myself to wear a stone face whenever she mentioned his name. One chip in my expressionless mask and I was positive she would ask me for my opinion on Kira. And I was nervous of how she would react if I told her the truth.

"Mmm. M-hmm," I hummed to show that I was still listening to her praises of Kira, all the while wondering how she could worship such a person. Initially, I had questioned if we could become friends due to our differences in opinion regarding Kira. But after a week of hanging out with Misa, I realized she was just too friendly and fun to deny a friendship with her. Or perhaps I had just become more tolerant of people than I was before.

"But, anyways, moving on! Mmm, Etsuko, your soup smells yummy!" Misa effortlessly changed topics and leaned across the counter to get a better noseful of my simmering supper. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye and wondered if she was changing topics so rapidly because she had clued in to my discomfort, or if the topic of what I was making for supper was just as interesting and superficial as the topic of Kira. But then I recalled that morning when I first discovered her fierce devotion to Kira and how it definitely did not seem like something shallow.

"Thanks. It's just canned soup, but I added a few, simple ingredients to hopefully spice it up a bit," I explained as I turned the stove off and poured the steaming soup into a bowl. I plopped a place mat down on the counter and sat down across from Misa. I shrugged and softly added as I blew on my soup, "I don't want to make it difficult for Watari when he does my grocery shopping, so I just put down simple things."

Misa sighed and rested her cheek in her hand as she sympathetically watched me slurp up some noodles. "It's a shame you can't go out and do your own grocery shopping. Ryuzaki really meant it when he wanted you to remain here all the time, didn't he?"

I nodded and focused my sight on my supper, my eyes slightly watering as the steam rose up from the bowl and swirled over my face in wispy coils of vapour. I had become quite indifferent and even grudgingly accepting of my situation, but Misa must have concluded that my watery eyes were a sign of distress and abruptly reached across the counter to grasp my hand. I became startled and looked up at her wide eyes which sparkled with ideas and possibilities.

"Oh, Etsuko, Misa just came up with the greatest plan ever! You'll absolutely love it!" Misa squealed excitedly as she continued to squeeze my hand.

"Will I?" I tried not to gulp in hesitation, but when Misa got so excited like she was presently, I couldn't help but get a tad worried. Her enthusiasm could be overwhelming.

"Yes, definitely! Misa's got a rehearsal on Thursday afternoon and Light is attending for a part of it, to lend his support and to finally get a glimpse of what Misa does! Unfortunately, that also means Ryuzaki will be there, but for once that may be a good thing!"

"How did you get Ryuzaki to give in to letting Light attend your rehearsal?" I asked, dumbstruck at how she could negotiate such an arrangement.

"Easy. Misa told Ryuzaki that if he didn't allow Light to attend one of my rehearsals, Misa would clear her whole schedule and would remain here instead all day long at Light's side. At the very thought of Misa never leaving the facility, Ryuzaki gave in just like that." Misa snapped her fingers and winked mischievously. I found it amusing that Misa could care less that Ryuzaki would rather give in to her demands than have her in the presence of the task force. She didn't care that it was desired for her to be away from the facility than present. She didn't care what others thought of her (besides Light, of course) and used whatever she was given to get her way. It was a cleverness I envied.

"How will having Ryzuaki present help in any way? And I'm still not sure what your plan actually is, Misa."

"Misa was going to invite you to the rehearsal as well, Etsuko! Ryuzaki shouldn't have a problem with you attending because he'll be there. He can keep an eye on you if he thinks he has to, although Misa thinks there's no need whatsoever," Misa explained, her hands wildly gesturing and her knees bobbing up and down with excitement.

Misa's plan registered in my mind and I broke out in a wide, excited smile. I set my chopsticks down and reached out to give Misa's hand a squeeze.

"Misa, you're right. I do love your plan and I think it actually might work."

"Of course it will work, Etsuko. Don't you worry. Misa will speak to Ryuzaki and will make him bring you along," Misa concluded with confidence and reassurance. I felt my heart swell with a feeling of belonging and I came to a lovely realization.

_This is what friends do for one another. They help each other out. They lend a hand to make the other person feel better and be included. I've only known Misa for a week, and yet she's already acted like more of a friend than some peers I grew up with and –_

"Oh, Etsuko! How has Misa never noticed it before?" Misa exclaimed and abruptly drew her hand away from mine.

I blinked and searched the spot on the table that her eyes were directed to. She was staring at my right hand that had just momentarily been grasping her own.

"Uh, what are you talking abo-"

"Your bracelet! It's beautiful! Just the type of charm bracelet that Misa would wear!"

My eyes focused on the charm bracelet that Light had bought me for my birthday. I studied the tiny, silver charms: an apple symbolizing my career path as a teacher; a slender camel representing the famous sand dunes of Tottori, my hometown; a cupcake with little sparkles on it, my favorite treat; a traditional one yen coin, symbolizing my love for traditional, antique things; a miniature globe signifying all the travel I wanted to stir up the courage to do one day; a cherry blossom with a hint of pink to represent all of the summer days Light and I had spent as kids together; the little Japanese crane for good luck. I had worn it every day since my birthday. It helped me feel closer to Light throughout all the weeks and months spent apart from one another. It reminded me that I could count on my cousin, that he cared for me just as I cared for him.

"Who gave it to you? A secret boyfriend that you're hiding from Misa perhaps?" Misa giggled teasingly. I stared down at my supper in flushed embarrassment, hoping the steam from the soup would be a passable excuse for my pink cheeks.

"No, no boyfriend. Light bought it for me for my last birthday," I answered as I twisted my wrist back and forth to make the charms twinkle in the kitchen light.

Misa was silent for a second before responding in an overly cheerful tone, "How sweet of him!"

"Yeah," I softly replied as I set my wrist back down on the counter and slurped up some soup. "Of course, I'm sure that Light has bought you plenty of nice things, you being his girlfriend and all."

Misa sat back a little and her shoulders tensed as she stared at the countertop with a searching, solemn gaze. Her lips twitched at an attempt at a smile, but I could tell it was forced. I wondered how such a simple remark could elicit such a serious, forlorn response. And from Misa of all people.

Misa twirled a strand of her hair around her finger and sputtered forth a string of forced giggles. "Light has been very kind to Misa and told Misa many nice things and, and -"

"Of course he has. Light can be very kind and-"

"That first night Misa met him, he took Misa in his arms and whispered such nice things and, and – Misa knows he'll come around and see that we're soul mates and, and..." Misa continued to hurriedly spout out her words, determined to convince me that Light really loved her.

"Of course, of course," I reassured over and over again, not knowing what else to say. Misa fell silent and looked off towards a corner of the room with eyes that were reflective and searching. With each blink of her eyes, it was as if she was paging through a large collection of past memories and present thoughts, wondering and contemplating her relationship with Light.

I stared down sadly into my soup, feeling sorry for Misa. I knew that Light wasn't attracted to her and even seemed annoyed with her at times. As far as I could tell from the few times I saw them together, Light didn't reciprocate any of the loving, attentive gestures that Misa aimed towards him. It wasn't like my cousin to play with someone's feelings and, from what I could see, he wasn't stringing her along. But then why was Misa so reassured that they were in a relationship together? What had really happened when they met in Aoyama and those times after when Misa visited with Light? I knew I was missing major pieces to the puzzle and even Misa seemed unsure of things, as if some of her memories were not fully intact.

I looked up at Misa and considered the sad longing in her eyes and realized she deserved above anyone else to have answers.

_Friends help each other out. That's what they do._

Without a second thought, I reached across the counter and took Misa's hand. She turned and stared quizzically at me. I smiled reassuringly and slightly squeezed her hand.

"I'm going to talk to Light for you, Misa."

Misa gasped and waved her hand frantically as she exasperatedly exclaimed, "Oh, no, no! There's no need, Etsuko! Besides, Misa wouldn't expect you to—"

"I won't say anything that you don't want me to, Misa, but he can explain how he's feeling and provide some clarification. Don't you want to be clear on where you two stand?"

"Misa has all the clarification she needs! There's nothing to be clearer about! Misa knows that Light loves me and that he's just not as forward with his affections as Misa is. That's all!" Misa rapidly justified as she stood up and began clearing away some dishes on the counter, a nervous habit of hers it seemed when she became flustered.

I wondered if Misa was right in what she was saying. Perhaps she had all the clarification she needed. Perhaps deep down inside she knew that her relationship with Light wasn't really a relationship. Maybe she couldn't face that fact and pretended that everything was alright by ignoring all of the evidence piled against her conviction that she was Light's girlfriend. It was sad that I knew how she felt if that was indeed the case. Ignorance provided a warm, reassuring embrace that clouded and dulled the facts that one did not want to face. But sooner or later you realized that that embrace was suffocating and toxic. That being left in the dark was not soothing, but disorienting and deceptive. That it blinded you to not only the truths that you did not wish to face, but to everything, even the truths that were right in front of you. Surely I had learned that the hard way during my months of confinement.

I broke out of my daze and stood up to help Misa clean up. "It's up to you, Misa. I just want to do something to return the favour of letting me come to your rehearsal."

Misa paused and sighed contemplatively. "Well, if it will make you feel better, Etsuko, then you can go ahead. Misa already knows that Light loves Misa, but maybe he just needs a little guidance on how to show Misa that love. You know how guys are. Sometimes they need a little reminder every once and awhile on how to let loose their romantic side," Misa giggled good naturedly.

I laughed softly, not really knowing what guys were like half the time, but I was happy to comply with Misa's wishes. It wasn't my business to tell her that Light wasn't interested in her. Maybe some friends felt it was their duty to do so, but I didn't feel we were that close at that point. Perhaps Misa would come to the realization sooner than later that Light wasn't in love with her like she thought he was. I only hoped she would come to that realization in the gentlest way possible.

**...**

As soon as I walked into the film studio on Thursday afternoon, I realized why Misa loved going to work every day. The studio was filled with flashing, colourful lights and majestic, realistic backdrops. There were racks and racks of gorgeous, intricate costumes and accessories, and gigantic, towering speakers that looked almost outlandish and alien they were so huge. And the film crew! Swarms of people who were constantly rushing here and there to brighten the lights, crank up the volume, touch up the actors' hair and faces, and obey and assist the director's every whim and fancy. I felt like I had walked into a busy, buzzing hive of bees, and was a little afraid that I was going to get run over by the rushing crowds of people and swinging pieces of equipment. But surprisingly, I did not become overwhelmed, but got caught up in the magical environment of the studio and became even more excited to see Misa at work. It was spellbinding.

Ryuzaki and Light looked less amused and excited to be there. Ryuzaki looked downright bored as soon as he had stepped into the studio, languidly sucking on his lollipop and just staring straight ahead with a blank look.

That is, until he discovered the tables off to the side of the film stage that were lined with dishes and trays of food for the actors and crew. One whole table was devoted to just desserts. Light had no choice but to get dragged along as Ryuzaki made a bee-line straight to the tables. His eyes shone with interest as he scrutinized the variety of desserts, as if he was inspecting expensive collective items or rare antiques. After bending low to sniff at certain pastries and occasionally dip one, spindly finger into a couple of puddings, he eventually chose his first dessert. I couldn't help but watch with something akin to bewilderment and amusement as he slowly brought the pastry to his lips, dyed red from his cherry lollipop, and slowly savoured and devoured the dessert. He licked his fingers almost gracefully and carefully picked up the crumbs that were left behind on his shirt. Ryuzaki almost made it an art the way he ate desserts.

I allowed myself to giggle softly at his bizarre habits. After my last, brief encounter with Watari, I had come to the realization that Ryuzaki was, well, Ryuzaki, and that I was just going to have to put up with him as best I could. If dealing with him was going to be made easier by letting go of some of my irritation aimed at him, then that was the way it was going to be. It wasn't going to be easy (far from it), but I was determined to give it a try. My father had spoken about giving people second chances. I had a feeling that with Ryuzaki, I was going to be giving him more than just two chances.

I couldn't contain another titter of laughter as Ryuzaki stuffed three whole red bean pastries into his mouth in a quick, predatory move. My laughter caught the attention of Light and he looked at me with a curious, amused smirk. I smiled back at him and remembered what my mission was during my visit to the film set.

"Oh, Liiiggghhhtttt!"

Light's smirk fell as we both turned towards the source of the sing-songy, trilling voice. Misa stood over by the film set, waving enthusiastically at Light and beaming with a full-faced smile. She was dressed in a sleek, red gown with gold jewelry and ridiculously high heels. Her hair was pinned up in an elegant hairstyle with gold, sparkly clips and her make-up was pristinely applied. She was breathtaking. The dress and hair and make-up all added to her natural beauty, but the radiance she was shining with was due to her bare-faced joy at seeing Light.

Light lifted his hand partly to give a weak wave, while I cheerfully held up two thumbs up in her direction. Misa was quickly called over by the director and she shuffled away as best she could in her high heels.

I slowly moved closer to where Light was standing, mentally rehearsing my plan that I had organized the day before.

_I can't let Misa down._

We stood in silence for a little bit as we watched Misa rehearse her lines with some of the other actors. I knew Light was probably bored, but he wore a stoic, calm expression as the rehearsal carried on. I enjoyed watching the scene unfold, every once and awhile sneaking a glimpse at Light. I felt I couldn't just pounce my questions on him right away and remained patient.

After a few minutes of silently watching the rehearsal, I leaned over and murmured, "Misa looks beautiful, doesn't she?"

Light gave me a funny look, as if he was wondering if he had heard me right. He looked back at Misa and gave a slight shrug before nonchalantly responding, "She looks nice, I guess."

"Nice? She's decked out to the nines and you think she just looks nice? Most girls would kill to have her looks! Any guy would be lucky to have her look his way!"

A muffled chuckle rumbled in Light's chest as he stared curiously at me, his brow furrowed with amused confusion. "Are you trying to convince me to like Misa or something, Etsuko?"

I opened my mouth to protest before I abruptly stopped myself. I turned to Light with an expression of surprise. I was surprised at his quick conclusion, but I was also surprised with myself. My plan wasn't to convince Light to be attracted to Misa, but just to get an idea on where he stood with her and how things had come about with them. Did I unwittingly want Light to like Misa? Did I unknowingly want Light to fulfill the expectations that Misa had of him? Did I also secretly want Light to find some happiness in a relationship as well? Especially after all that he had put up with over the past few months?

I decided not to answer Light's question and instead pose one of my own. I point blankly asked, "What's up with you and Misa? How did this "relationship" of yours come about?"

Light looked away and his face hardened with contempt for my question. He was annoyed with my interrogating, but I had to know the answer. For Misa's sake and for my own curiosity.

"It's complicated," Light indifferently responded.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Light, people always say relationships are complicated, but they never end up as complicated as they say they are."

_I'm one to talk. How would I know such a thing?_

Light thankfully didn't aim such a question back at me and instead retorted back with slight irritation, "Well, in this case, it is, Etsuko. Trust me."

I huffed quietly to myself at his stubbornness and turned my attention briefly back to the rehearsal, trying to think up a different approach at getting some answers. I noticed that Ryuzaki had been eyeing us suspiciously during our conversation and I lowered my voice the next time I spoke.

"Light, Misa likes you. And I don't mean just "like," but actually, well, love you," I gently said, trying a softer approach.

It was Light's turn to roll his eyes as he tiredly sighed, "That's not love, Etsuko. That's infatuation."

"Well, whatever it is, Misa's serious about it. And, well, I think her and I are, um, kinda friends now, so I don't want her to be led on to believe something that's not true."

I flinched with the anticipation of Light's response before he even opened his mouth. I knew he was going to be defensive or hurt with my statement. He ended up being both.

Light's brow creased and his voice was both wounded and guarded, "I never led Misa on. That's the truth, Etsuko. You know me better than that."

I urgently tried to back pedal on my previous words. "I know, Light, I know that-"

"It's not my fault that she decided to just cling onto me for no apparent reason. It's not my fault that I'm not attracted to her. I never did anything to convince her that I had feelings for her-"

"What about that time you took her in your arms though? And all those endearing things you said to her when you two would visit?" I consciously lowered my voice and glanced at Misa across the studio, not wanting her to hear what we were discussing. She continued rehearsing happily with the other actors, completely oblivious to our conversation.

Now Light looked utterly confused and shook his head slightly as if to straighten his jumbled thoughts. "What are you talking about? Did Misa tell you that? What endearing things did I say to her? Our conversations were purely...purely, um..." Light trailed off, his voice uncertain and his eyes crinkling with puzzlement. He looked as if he was trying to remember a distant memory and couldn't quite grasp what had happened in the past.

I became concerned and bewildered by Light's uncharacteristic lapse of memory.

_It's like with Misa. It's as if parts of his memory are not fully intact. That's not like Light at all. What is going on?_

Ryuzaki temporarily stopped devouring the desserts to give Light and I another suspicious look. Our slightly agitated and serious voices must have caught his attention and he was intensely eyeing us, no doubt watching and listening to where we were going with our conversation.

I decided it would be too risky to continue talking the way we were doing with Ryuzaki right at our sides, listening to our every word. Especially with what I had to ask next.

_It's going to be risky, but I have to take the chance in order to get my answer._

"It's alright, Light, **everything** is_ alright._ _I _must not be **remembering** **clearly**," I reassured and pointedly stared at my cousin, trying to convey my intentions with my eyes as well as with my coded words.

Lowering the voice in volume, indicates the opposite of what's said. Lowering the tone of voice, indicates which words to be focused on.

Light picked up quickly that I was using our secret code and stared at me, his pupils rapidly moving as he pieced together my message.

_Everything is not alright. You must not be remembering clearly._

"It's fine," Light nonchalantly replied, but I could see the concern in his eyes as he stared straight ahead, his mind scrambling to figure out why he wasn't as clear on things as he should have been.

I persisted, still wary of Ryuzaki's presence close by, "Lots of things..." I stared pointedly once again at Light, unblinking and sure, "...have changed over these past several months. It's _natural_ to get all **jumbled up and confused **with all that's **been going on**. Right?"

My dead-on stare aimed at Light combined with my spoken words provided a message that Light appeared uncomfortable with.

_You have changed over the past several months. It's not natural for you to be all jumbled up and confused. What's been going on?_

Light swallowed and broke away from my gaze. Silence hovered over us. The voices of Misa and the other actors rehearsing their lines seemed to almost echo across the studio. Ryuzaki shot us curious looks every once and awhile, but his intense scrutiny appeared to have died down and he continued to ravage the dessert table. Light and I continued standing side by side, the air between us almost bristling with tension of unspoken words.

Light eventually muttered, his voice soft and solemn, "I don't know." He turned to me and I could see in his eyes that he was being genuine. He really didn't know why he couldn't remember certain things that had happened over the past few months. He couldn't understand why he had changed (or perhaps, more accurately, he couldn't understand what type of change I was actually referring to). And that uncertainty and confusion brought about a concerned tinge to his eyes as he continued to stare at me intently, as if willing for me to give him the answers or reassurance he craved.

But I couldn't do any such thing, because I was far from having the answers. I was craving the answers just as badly as well. Over the past couple of weeks I had toiled with several theories of what had happened to my cousin over the previous months, but could never come up with a plausible explanation. Ryuzaki's proposed hypothesis, one in which Light had voiced before as well, would pop into my head occasionally, but I couldn't fathom that Light could have been controlled by Kira and then had been released from his hold. Or was still Kira in some shape or form. It was too out-there and bizarre an explanation. Yet it continued to haunt me and I wondered what Light really thought about the whole situation.

_If he has a firm idea about any of it anyways. He seems just as puzzled over all of this as me, perhaps even more._

One thing was for certain, I knew Light was being honest with me then and there. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He was confused and concerned. And however sad I felt for my cousin in his muddled state, I couldn't help but feel relief at his honesty. It was a breath of fresh air from the secretiveness he had wielded before.

"...And CUT!"

Light and I were startled from our reverie and were dragged back to the present moment as the director yelled out his command. The film crew began to bustle about once again and the director began barking out suggestions to the actors. As soon as he was finished speaking to Misa, she dashed instantly over to us with a wide grin. Before Light had time to fully come back from his troubling thoughts, Misa's arms were wrapped around his waist in a tight embrace and she was happily talking his ear off.

"How do you think Misa did, Light? The director said Misa was a tad off with the inflection for the last couple of lines, but overall he said Misa was great! What do you think, Light? Misa would love to hear your thoughts!"

Light grumbled slightly as Misa squeezed him tightly and wearily sputtered out, "Good, Misa. It was good."

Misa was over-the-moon with Light's dispassionate response and nuzzled her face into his shirt affectionately. "Oooohhh, Light! Misa knew you would enjoy the performance! Misa worked so hard to impress you!"

I stared sadly at Misa, never feeling so sorry for her then in that moment.

_I'm sorry, Misa, but we weren't even watching. And if you only knew what Light and I were talking about –_

"What about you, Etsuko? Did you enjoy the rehearsal as well?" Misa turned towards me, her eyes shining with eager anticipation.

I couldn't help but lie to her, not having the guts to tell her the truth. "You were great, Misa. It was really cool watching you rehearse," I said with as much enthusiasm that I could muster.

Misa giggled, "Thanks, Etsuko! Misa's so happy you're both enjoying your time here."

I noticed Misa didn't bother to ask Ryuzaki what he thought of her performance and continued to ignore him as she chatted on about the other actors and the director. Ryuzaki remained behind Light, half cast in the shadows munching on yet another sweet. He didn't appear hurt by Misa's inattention towards him, but I couldn't help but feel bad that he was being left out.

_How many times have I ignored Ryuzaki though? It's pretty hypocritical of me to be passing judgement on Misa. _

I was startled out of the guilty feeling that had suddenly descended upon me by the appearance of Matsuda at Misa's side. He had two Styrofoam cups in his hands, filled to the brim with water. He was a tad flustered; his face was flushed, his hair was standing a bit on end, and his suit was ruffled. His eyes were shining with a hopefulness and an eagerness to please.

"Here's your water, Misa Misa. No ice, exactly as you like it. By the way, you were great, Misa Misa! A fantastic performance if I ever saw one!" Matsuda spouted enthusiastically.

Misa took a dainty sip of her water and flashed Matsuda a winning, proud smile. "Thanks, Matsu! And make sure you remember to have Misa's clothes all ready to change into when the rehearsal's finished. Misa doesn't want to be waiting around like last time," Misa finished with a slight reprimanding tone to her voice.

Matsuda nodded furiously. "Yes, yes, of course, Misa Misa. I'll have them all ready for you."

Misa seemed satisfied and returned her attention back to Light. Matsuda let loose a breath of relief and his shoulders relaxed. It appeared his new "job" was taking a toll on him.

I had found out from Misa that Matsuda was her new "manager." At first, I had thought she was mistaken and had tried telling her so. But she had been persistent and I had been surprised to learn that Matsuda was indeed the manager Misa would sometimes mention. My surprise had soon turned to anger that Ryuzaki felt Matsuda's time would be best served acting as Misa's manager. In my eyes, Matsuda was just as valuable an addition to the task force as the other members were and should have been included in catching Kira as everyone else. But, apparently, Matsuda's value wasn't seen the same way.

Matsuda seemed to actually enjoy his new role, and so I didn't bring up my contempt with him and silently hoped that he would become more integrated in the task force once again.

"Here, Etsuko. Uh, I thought you'd like a water as well." Matsuda sheepishly offered me the second cup of water.

I smiled gratefully as I took the water and bashfully responded, "Thanks, Matsud – uh, I mean Matsui."

Matsuda smiled and we stood by each other, not knowing what to say. Recently, a sort of apprehension loomed over our interactions, as if we were suddenly strangers to one another. I thought our sudden bashful shyness was due to our lack of visits. Matsuda was so busy with the investigation and being Misa's manager that we didn't get a lot of time to hang out. I knew deep down inside that there could have been another reason, one that I had toyed with on the balcony that night with Matsuda, but I was too nervous to consider such a possibility in case it wasn't true.

In case Matsuda didn't feel the same way...

"So, um, Etsuko, I was, uh, wondering if you wanted to, um, maybe hang out this Saturday," Matsuda mumbled lowly, evidently not wanting the others to hear his words. He shuffled slightly on the spot, his feet not able to be still.

I nodded slowly, wondering why he was being so formal with his request; usually he just knocked on my door spur of the moment if he wanted to visit. "Sure. I have all the time in the world now that school is over and I'm, well, caged inside."

"Great! Uh, I mean, sure. Sounds good," Matsuda stumbled over his words and laughed nervously. I simply smiled at him, not knowing what else to say or do.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye Light watching our interactions. A faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips as his eyes darted from me to Matsuda. I gave him a questioning look. His response was his smile broadening somewhat mischievously and his eyes twinkling with a knowing look. Misa soon distracted him with something she was saying and his eyes focused on her.

I couldn't clearly discern what Light was trying to convey with his look and smirk, but I focused on the fact that he didn't seem upset with my interactions with Matsuda. Before, he had seemed upset and even angry at times that I had befriended Matsuda. Now, he seemed almost pleased or at least accepting of our friendship. It was another noticeable change in Light, one that I was both happy and yet confused about.

It was soon time for Light, Ryuzaki, and I to leave the film studio and return to HQ. I had mixed feelings as I waited back at my apartment for Misa to return from her rehearsal. I knew she would instantly be at my door asking for the results of my mission. She would want to know how Light had responded to my questions. I was happy that I had achieved my goal by talking to Light and helping Misa out, but I was also queasy with dread with the answers that I would have to give her. Or did I have to tell her? Perhaps she would have other things on her mind that she would want to discuss or maybe she would forget all together what I had agreed to do for her? Pfft..who was I kidding! Misa slept, ate, and breathed Light.

"Helllloooo? Etsukoooo?"

I moaned softly as I heard Misa's trilling voice at the front door. I took a deep breath and turned around to face Misa as she happily scampered into the living room.

"What a day! Being an actress is hard work! And those heels were murder! Misa has two new blisters because of those shoes!" Misa plunked down on the couch and draped herself over the arm of the sofa, scrutinizing her dainty feet as she complained about how sore they were.

"Sorry to hear that, Misa, but I hope the rest of the rehearsal went we-"

"Oh, before Misa forgets! How did your little conversation with Light go? Misa noticed you two were having quite the intense conversation during the rehearsal. Misa's just dying to know all the juicy details!"

Misa leaned forward and gazed at me with eyes that were practically blazing with eagerness. I gulped and tried to buy some time by retreating to the kitchen to retrieve two mugs of tea and then slowly making my way back to the living room. Misa's eyes remained focused on me the whole time.

I sat down opposite her, my shoulders tense and my voice shaky as I muttered out, "Well, it went well. He, um, he responded well to the conversation."

_I'm not lying to her. It's true that Light was a bit irritated with my topic of conversation, but he did overall respond quite well._

Misa was not satisfied with my below than adequate answer and lack of detail. She shifted on the couch and egged me on. "What do you mean by responding well? Did he say how much he loved Misa and stuff like that?"

I licked my lips and gulped again, wishing the topic of conversation could be switched. Or that I could just be swallowed up by the ground and disappear from the whole awkward situation entirely.

_Man, trying to be a good friend is harder than it looks._

"Um, well, he didn't say much because, um, because-"

"Because he doesn't need to! Light shows his love to Misa just with his looks and actions!" Misa spouted happily, interrupting me before I could break the news to her that Light had said the exact opposite to what she had just said.

I had no clue what loving looks and actions Misa was referring to, but I decided to latch onto Misa's way of reasoning and run with it. Hopefully, it would lead me away from revealing the truth to her.

"Yes, I'm sure. I mean, Light is a very private person when it comes to relationships. He doesn't willingly and easily talk about how he's feeling. Even if it's about someone he, uh, loves," I rapidly explained, hoping Misa would be reassured with my explanation.

_What I said is technically true. Light has always been a private person, especially when it comes to dating. There were times I didn't even know Light was dating someone until months after his first date with the girl._

"Exactly! Misa noticed that almost as soon as Light and Misa met! It's kind of appealing, don't you think, Etsuko? He's kind of mysterious that way."

I let Misa believe what she wanted to believe. As she continued to ramble off attractive features of my cousin, I just sat back with my tea and let her go at it. I didn't have the guts to tell her the truth. Lying seemed to come so much easier before, but I was increasingly finding it harder to accomplish. Maybe that was because Misa was a friend. Or perhaps the hurtful outcome of lying had been presented to me in such a barefaced manner over the past several months that I couldn't bring myself to be dishonest as easily as I had before. Memories of being lied to by Ryuzaki and Light, and that time when I had lied to Matsuda, popped into my head, and I couldn't help but think there was truth to my thoughts.

"But Misa's not the only one who's been lucky in the romance department," Misa abruptly shifted the topic, her voice mischievous.

"Hmm?" I muttered, thinking she was referring to some fellow actor or her make-up artist.

Misa giggled and her voice was almost squeaky with unrestrained excitement, "Misa didn't think you and Matsuda had something going on together."

_Who does Matsuda like – wait, what did she just say?!_

I lurched forward so suddenly that half of my tea sloshed out of my mug and onto the hardwood floor. Misa cried out a little at my sudden movement and stared at the large puddle of oolong, but I paid it no attention and stared at Misa with shocked eyes.

"Wh-wh-what are you talking a-about?! Matsuda and I are, are, are just friends! Th-that's all," I stuttered out, my words quivering with a whole jumble of emotions. Was I confused by Misa's words? Nervous? Doubtful? Happy?

"Oh, come on, Etsuko! It's so obvious by the way you two interact! All bashful and hesitant around each other. Matsu had to bring Misa water because that's his job, but he didn't have to bring you some." Misa was perched on the couch now in order to protect her feet from the puddle of tea. She tilted back and forth and bounced slightly in her crouched position with giggly, bubbly enthusiasm.

"Matsuda's just a nice guy, Misa. He would do that for anyone," I continued to babble forth, my brain only half-aware of what my mouth was saying. My mind was still digesting Misa's initial, bold statement.

Misa was quick to poke holes in my argument. "He didn't bring Light or Ryuzaki a cup of water." Misa tutted endearingly and said in a more calm, almost motherly, way, "It's natural to be all flustered when it's your first time, Etsuko. You've never had a boyfriend before, have you? So, it's probably difficult to see all of the signs. But it's obvious he likes you, Etsuko. The one hundred yen question is whether you like him?"

The sudden silence in the room was deafening. The incessant thudding of my heart echoed oppressively in my ear. My hands were suddenly clammy with sweat and my face felt like an overheated furnace. I suddenly became nauseatingly aware that Misa wasn't the only one who was probably waiting for my answer. I shot the camera in the corner of the living room ceiling a quick, frightened look. Ryuzaki could have been watching me at that second. I knew that he could care less what my answer would be, but the idea that he could be witnessing such a private moment made me very uncomfortable and violated. And what if it wasn't just Ryuzaki that was watching? What if the whole task force was being privy to our conversation? I could feel an additional wave of heat wash over my face as I imagined Uncle Soichiro and Light watching our discussion. And what if one of those task force members was Matsuda himself? What would he be thinking of our topic of conversation? What would he be feeling being surrounded by the whole task force as he was talked about secretly? What type of answer would he want me to give...?

No answer seemed adequate or right. No answer seemed completely wrong either. All that I could stutter out was, "I...I...he's very nice and...and I don't want anything to ruin our friendship."

Misa appeared disappointed and pouted. "Oh, so it's one-sided then. Misa really thought you had a thing for him."

"Wait, what? I-I never said that – I just, uh, um..."

_Does saying "I don't want anything to ruin our friendship" convey that I don't have feelings for him? Wouldn't a relationship, a...a romantic relationship, only strengthen our friendship? Is that what I did indeed mean, or did I actually mean what Misa believes? _

Apparently, there was a wrong answer. And according to Misa, that was the one I had given.

"It's alright, Etsuko. You can't help how you feel and Misa won't force you. It's not fair to expect someone to feel a certain way towards another person if they don't feel that way," Misa explained in a wise-like manner as she stood up and cleared our tea mugs. I couldn't help but think how hypercritical Misa was being without even being aware of it. If only she could have that mindset in her own situation.

Misa headed towards the front door. Before she left, she turned to me and said in a slightly sympathetic voice, "Matsu has good intentions. Misa knows that you know that, Etsuko."

Besides being confused by her weird parting words, I was taken aback by Misa's dead-set stare that she was aiming my way. Her eyes were still kind, but they also shined with a hopeful, expectant emotion, as if they were saying: _"Misa _hopes _that you know that."_

Before I could question Misa's words or gaze, she had slipped out the door and I was left feeling confused, disappointed, and overwhelmed.

_I could have handled that a lot better. But what was I supposed to say? That I didn't feel comfortable with Misa asking me that question? That I wanted to talk about something completely different? That, when it comes to Matsuda, I...I actually do..._

I felt my cheeks burn up again. My pulse fluttered. And the camera in the living room suddenly felt even more scrutinizing than it did before.

**...**

_Seriously, Misa, you just had to ask me that question about Matsuda! Now I won't be able to enjoy hanging out with him tonight because of the ideas you put in my head._

I sat waiting for Matsuda to come knocking at my door. He wasn't able to give me a definite time when we could hang out, since the task force didn't have a normal clock-out time. Sometimes, they didn't have a clock-out time at all. The lack of an exact time made the waiting more difficult. Misa's words from a couple of days ago kept replaying in my head and I was struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. I worried that I would be awkward around him. That I would ruin the evening by being weird and hesitant around him. But what I dreaded to think about the most was whether or not Matsuda had listened in on our discussion.

_What would he think if he heard Misa and I? Was my answer the one he would want to hear?_

As I miserably rested my head down on the kitchen counter, another thought came to the fore front of my mind.

_I know my answer wasn't the one I wanted to give, but in front of Misa and that camera, I just didn't know if I wanted to say –_

"Etsuko? Are you there?"

I jolted back up into a sitting position at the sound of Matsuda's voice at the door. If my stomach had been in knots before, it was in a completely snarled, matted mess now. I tried to swallow my nervousness down and went to open the door.

I instantly noticed that Matsuda was not in his regular dress clothes. The suit and tie were replaced with a casual T-shirt and jeans. Matsuda usually just dashed over to my room without bothering to change from his work attire. Perhaps he was finally getting tired of wearing his work clothes all the time? It was a little thing, but it was curious nonetheless.

"Well, um, you can come on in, and, and – I can make a pot of tea if you want and-"

"Oh, that's nice of you, Etsuko, but I had thought you could come over to my floor this time instead," Matsuda cheerfully, if not a little bit nervously, responded.

First, he asked me if there was a certain day we could hang out. Then he changed out of his work clothes and now he was asking me to go to his suite instead of mine. Just little differences here and there, but they made me wonder.

"Uh, sure. Only makes sense that I go over to your suite once and awhile, I guess," I hesitatingly answered as I closed my door behind me and followed Matsuda up the elevator to his floor.

We reached Matsuda's front door, and as he turned the doorknob, I realized that I wasn't the only one who was a bit on edge. Matsuda was making quite a mess of his lower lip by nibbling on it nervously and he kept wiping his palms on his jeans. And as he opened the front door, I realized what he had to be nervous about.

_Oh my gosh. Maybe Misa was right all along. _

Matsuda's living room had been completely transformed. The couches and chairs had all been pushed away into the corners. Toward the hallway leading away to the bedrooms were rows of racks of clothing. The racks were filled with assorted men's and women's clothing, some casual, others formal, while some boasted trendy, unique designs. Two coat racks were draped with a dark sheet to create a little fort in which one could stand behind. Off to the side was a table filled with rows of books and stacks of CDs. And closer towards the kitchen was a little table with two chairs. Directly behind on the counter were plates of assorted desserts and a tea pot with steam slowly drifting out of its spout.

I didn't know what to say or how to react. Thankfully, Matsuda stepped right in and explained as soon as he saw my surprised, puzzled expression.

"We had been talking about going back to Aoyama together for months now. However, with the restrictions Ryuzaki has placed on you, I thought that I would bring Aoyama to us."

My stomach flip-flopped at his words, but in a ticklish, delightful kind of way. I felt my lips stretch into a smile and, without being able to look him in the eye, I softly said, "You...you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

Matsuda hesitated for a second but then walked in front of me and looked me in the eye. He was confident and sure when he answered back, "It was no trouble at all."

My smile grew wider and all the hesitation and nervousness disappeared.

Matsuda and I spent the next half hour browsing through our very own "Aoyama." We visited the clothing racks and laughed at the different ensembles that one could wear. The sheet over the two coat racks served as a makeshift dressing room where we tried on different sets of styles that we picked out for one another. I was unable to contain my laughter when Matsuda tried on a pair of neon green corduroys and a blinding bright orange sweater. He was a good sport and struck a silly pose much to my amusement. I not-so-grudgingly slipped into a red and white polka dot spring dress and shyly twirled around much to his amusement.

Afterwards, we browsed through the collection of books and CDs. I smiled at the tattered covers of some of the novels and flipped through a couple of non-fiction books about undercover police missions. The books had evidently been read many times by Matsuda, due to the bent covers and coffee smudges here and there on the pages. We listened to a couple of retro CDs and reminisced about old hit songs that had been blared from our radios years ago when we were kids and teenagers.

We ended our "outing" by sitting down at the little table and enjoying a package of almond cream buns that Matsuda had bought from one of his favorite cafes in Aoyama. It was better than any outing I had ever been on in the real Aoyama.

As we sat relaxing over our tea and second or third cream bun, I shuffled a little bit in my seat and asked, "Matsuda, there's something I've been wondering about since we, uh, browsed through that collection of clothes."

Matsuda wiped the ends of his mouth with a napkin and inquisitively raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Did you have Misa help you out with all this? Because I recognize some of her clothing on those racks. And the rest of those clothes look like they could have come from a film set wardrobe."

Matsuda chuckled softly and nodded over the rim of his mug. "Yeah, she did help out a bit. Lending me some of her clothes and borrowing some of the clothes from the film set. She didn't exactly know all of the details of what I would need them for though. I think she had her suspicions that it had something to do with you though."

"I'm sure she did." I smirked as I recalled Misa's last words to me as she left my apartment a couple of days ago: _Matsu has good intentions. Misa knows that you know that, Etsuko._ Misa knew that Matsuda was preparing something for me, even if she didn't know exactly what that was. She was hoping I would appreciate his efforts, even if, as she believed, I didn't have feelings for him. If only Misa knew that I really did actually like...

"I actually have something to ask you, Etsuko, if that's alright?" Matsuda suddenly asked, his eyes eager and curious.

I shrugged and nodded. "Sure, Matsuda."

Matsuda's eyes lowered and focused on his half-eaten cream bun. He paused for a second and then softly mumbled, "Was what...was what you said true? About how you feel towards me?"

My relaxed state of mind was gone in a flash and I felt that cream bun churn uncomfortably in my stomach. My fingers started to twist my napkin as I stared down at my lap, my eyes not being able to look anywhere near Matsuda. My worries had come true.

"I...uh, I, well, when, um, um..." I stuttered out, my words high pitched with nerves.

"When you stuck up for me when Light and Ryuzaki were fighting that day?" Matsuda continued and waited for my answer.

I then realized with great relief that Matsuda was not referring to a couple of days ago when Misa had asked me whether or not I had a thing for him. He was referring to when he had phoned to get Light and Ryuzaki to stop fighting and I had defended him. I had said something to the effect of him being the mature one to step in and get them to stop fighting. It was that camera footage that he had watched. Thank goodness it wasn't the other recording.

I slowly exhaled and my shoulders relaxed. A small smile crossed my face as I responded, "Yes. Of course I meant what I said. Ryuzaki had no right saying you were being stupid. You did the right, mature thing."

"What did you think I was referring to? You looked quite nervous after I had asked my question," Matsuda inquired as he took a sip of his tea.

"Oh, uh, no-nothing. Nothing at all. Anyways, I really did mean what I said, Matsuda."

Matsuda beamed. "Thanks, Etsuko. It means a lot, especially...especially coming from you."

I looked up and my eyes instantly locked with his. His eyes shone with the same concoction of emotions that had swirled behind his eyes months ago. When we had been on my balcony suspended in that moment of unspoken words and feelings. There was delight, curiosity, hope, and...and affection behind his eyes. The edge of his lips was upturned in a half-smile. His right hand sat on the table top, his fingers slightly twitching as if they were eager to clasp something.

I glanced quickly behind him at the table of books and CDs and the racks of clothing. Suddenly, I realized that it was not a small thing for someone to go to all the trouble of setting up all that Matsuda had arranged. That it was more than what a regular friend did for another friend. All of a sudden, I noticed the dim lighting in the room, the fact that Matsuda had boiled my favorite tea, that he was wearing the T-shirt that he had worn to my birthday (the same one I had complimented him on). And then there was that look he was giving me, aiming right towards me and through me.

_Can I really be so bold as to ask...?_

"Matsuda...is, uh...is this a...is this supposed to be...supposed to be a date?"

Matsuda was silent for a second, but his silence answered all the questions that I had swirling in my head. His smile broadened and his warm eyes crinkled with delight. He slowly moved his right hand, and as his fingers wrapped around my own, I realized what his fingers had been itching to grasp the entire time.

When he finally did speak, his words were hopeful and confident at the same time. "Would you like it to be, Etsuko?"

I swallowed and felt my cheeks grow hot and my heart pick up pace. But the weight of Matsuda's hand over my own helped calm my nerves and it was that realization that made me finally vocalize what I had been feeling for months.

I stared back into his honest, brown eyes and shakily laughed out, "Yes. I would."

Matsuda slowly exhaled through his nose with relief. With a soft, deep voice he simply replied, "Good."

He refrained from saying anything else and only squeezed my hand affectionately while his other hand slowly reached up, brushed my hair out of my face, and then rested on my flushed cheek. I was a bit surprised that he would be so bold, but I welcomed his touch and felt my pulse flutter excitingly. It began to race even faster as he leaned in towards me and I found myself leaning in to meet him as well. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek and I noticed my own breaths coming out in short, little gasps as I reached up and rested my hand in the little grove where his neck met his shoulder. I had a fleeting, fearful realization that I had no clue what I was doing or what I was supposed to be doing, but it was quickly extinguished as I felt Matsuda's lips on my own. I knew enough of romantic etiquette to close my eyes and relaxed into his light, yet steady kiss. It must have only lasted a few seconds, but the memory of his soft, tender lips on mine became imprinted in my mind, and I knew I would be replaying the moment in my head long after we had pulled away.

We stared at each other in silence for a second before I croaked out in a squeaky voice, "I...I hope I did it right."

Matsuda's eyes widened a little and then he burst into good natured laughter. He squeezed my hand reassuringly as he took in my worried look and breathlessly responded, "I enjoyed it. That's all I've got to say."

I laughed a little shakily and nodded. "Me...me too."

We didn't say anything after that. We didn't need to. The silence was soothing. The lingering smell of our lukewarm tea was calming. And Matsuda and I sat across from each other with our hands interlocked, both of us having no intention of letting go.

**...**

**A/N: Yes, I finally introduced a little bit of romance. I know some readers were a bit hesitant with having me pair Matsuda and Etsuko together, and to tell you the truth, I originally had no intention of doing so. But I was tired of reading fan fics where Matsuda never gets "any action" and so I wanted to change that. Always welcome back feedback! **


	19. Chapter 19

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own Death Note.**

**A/N: So, as I was writing the last several paragraphs of this chapter, I feel like I was thinking a lot of what I should be writing up here in the "A/N." I really don't have a reasonable explanation for why it took pretty much half a year to update. Only that I feel bad for leaving you hanging for so long. If it makes it any better, I've already started the next chapter. To anyone who is still reading this story, THANK YOU! **

**A/N2: This chapter is dedicated to "WhiteLadyDragon." You have been a great support from the very beginning of this story, even before I had come up with the concept. Thanks for your advice and friendship! **

Chapter 19

"_The pain of leaving those you love is only a prelude to understanding yourself." _

– _Shirley MacLaine_

**...**

"...I've stayed out of the task force's way, haven't made any attempts at escaping, and have generally made an effort at not interfering in any shape or form. That is why I believe I deserve to have a little more leeway when it comes to how I wish to spend my spare time."

I held my breath and tightly gripped onto the edges of my sleeves. Light and Uncle Soichiro were aiming supportive looks my way as we waited for the verdict from the only person in the room who's opinion mattered.

Ryuzaki swivelled lazily around in his chair a couple of times before he came to a stop and grudgingly sighed out, "I suppose you have an idea of where you would like to spend this free time?"

I released my breath and quickly spouted out, dreading that he would cut me off before I could fully get my words out, "Misa's having an outdoor shoot in a few days and I want to go watch her. Matsuda will be there, along with tons of other people, so it's not like I could just slip away if I wanted to – which I don't, just to make that clear! And it will only be for a few hours!"

"Hmm," Ryuzaki grumbled out, his thumb wedged behind his bottom lip. "I don't know-"

"Oh, come on, Ryuzaki! She hasn't been able to get out and about for weeks!" Light suddenly interrupted, attempting to speak on my behalf.

"Your cousin has started up school-"

"School doesn't count, Ryuzaki. Surely even you know that attending school is not a form of a break," Light cut off Ryuzaki again. He was leaning forward in his own chair, his eyes determined.

Ryuzaki sat in silence for a second, his thumb momentarily paused from stretching his bottom lip. His eyes roamed towards Light and he said in a serious, almost innocent-like manner, "I quite enjoyed my academic studies, Light. Perhaps you find that hard to relate to-"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Light sighed out in exasperation and rolled back in his chair, evidently annoyed at Ryuzaki's shot at him.

Ryuzaki poked further into Light's pride, his lips very slightly upturned in a smirk meant to aggravate. "Although you excelled in school, Light, not everyone can find the enjoyment that comes with learning new material and-"

Light took the bait. He shot back indignantly, "This coming from the person who was barely motivated a few weeks ago to even investigate! And-"

"I thought the discussion was regarding Etsuko's request," Uncle Soichiro piped in, evidently weary of Light's and Ryuzaki's boyish squabble over saving one's pride. I gave uncle an appreciative smile which he returned tiredly.

Light turned to his computer screen with a slightly embarrassed grimace on his face, but there was no self-conscious expression on Ryuzaki's face as he turned back to me. He stared at me with a hard, concentrating look, as if he was trying to see directly into my brain to read my thoughts. I stared resolutely back into those dark, coal eyes, no longer intimidated or shy (well, for a short period of time at least).

Ryuzaki finally grumbled out in a regretful tone, "Fine."

"Thank you, Ryuzaki! I-"

"But only for the shoot," Ryuzaki sternly laid down the rules as I bounced up and down on the spot in excitement and relief. "And you must remain within Matsuda's sight the entire time."

"I doubt that will be a problem," Light commented over his shoulder, his voice teasing and slightly mischievous. He glanced over at me with knowing eyes and I stared back at him with a pointed, warning look.

Ryuzaki didn't miss the meaning behind Light's teasing remark and languidly commented as he returned back to his computer screen, "Mmm, yes, I suppose you're right."

"What? What are you talking about?" Uncle sat forward in his seat and stared back and forth from Light and I with a creased, confused brow.

"Well, you see, dad, Etsuko and Mat-"

"Nothing, uncle, nothing!" I hurriedly interrupted Light with a slightly panicked voice. Light chuckled softly to himself as uncle returned back to his computer screen, a puzzled frown on his face.

"Shut up," I muttered under my breath and nudged Light's shoulder. He just continued to laugh softly, knowing I really wasn't angry with him but just slightly annoyed. My barely concealed smile of relief told him I wasn't even really annoyed, but just flustered with his attempts to reveal my secret.

My secret relationship...

"I thought you said you weren't interfering with the task force. Wasn't that what you just said, cousin, to convince Ryuzaki to let you go out with your boyfri-"

"Light!" I hissed more loudly than I intended causing Ryuzaki to –

"Miss Yagami, unless you want me to retract my generous offer-"

"Alright, alright, I'm gone," I quickly told Ryuzaki before he could make good on his threat and shot Light one more dirty look (which he just laughed at) before I exited the main investigation room and headed upstairs.

It shouldn't have surprised me that Light had found out about my relationship with Matsuda. We had both tried to keep it as secret as possible, but with cameras everywhere filming all the time, it was hard to keep our relationship completely under the radar. Matsuda's suite didn't have any cameras, but mine did, along with almost all of the hallways, so it would have been easy for Light to have witnessed some intimate moment between Matsuda and I, however fleeting and innocent. Light had a talent for reading people, and however good my cover up was regarding my relationship with Matsuda, Light was able to read the tiny signs that I was no longer single. I didn't try to cover up my flushed cheeks anymore when Matsuda entered the room. We stood closer to one another than we did before, not touching, but just barely separated. And there were the quick, private smiles that we aimed at one another when we didn't think anyone else was watching. All little things that seemed to go undetected by most people, but which were huge, red flags to Light.

Not that Light seemed to mind. On the contrary to how he had acted before, he seemed perfectly fine with Matsuda and I dating, even though he hadn't verbally confirmed such an opinion. But I knew Light wouldn't be teasing me regarding Matsuda if he had a problem with our relationship. So I just took his teasing in stride, knowing that it was only innocent, good fun and not spiteful. It had seemed like ages ago when Light had poked fun, and although his mischievous remarks could be a bit annoying at times, I welcomed his lightheartedness that had been absent for so many months.

"So, good news! I can go!" I announced as I walked right into Matsuda's suite, not even knocking. Matsuda looked up from some paperwork that he was sifting through at his kitchen table and broke out in a wide smile.

"That's great! See, I told you he would let you go," Matsuda spoke over his shoulder as I grabbed two mugs and switched the tea kettle on.

"You're a lot more optimistic than me," I commented as I scooped some loose tea leaves out of the tin.

"You should try it more often. It's easier than it looks," Matsuda said as he leaned back in his chair and plopped the pile of papers onto the table.

I smirked to myself as I walked from the kitchen and sat down across from him. "I prefer to be realistically wary and cautious, thank you very much."

Matsuda chuckled and I softly laughed at our silly discussion. I shifted in my seat and steered the conversation to something more serious.

"So, what are you working on? Or is it something top secret?" I shuffled forward and glanced at the papers on the table.

Matsuda laughed a little and shook his head as he stared tiredly down at the pile of papers. "No, no. Just some contracts that I have to sign as Misa's manager. That and some invitations to some new photo shoots that I need to review before passing them over to Misa."

"Oh." I sat back and tried not to look disappointed. "So, not investigation work."

Matsuda shuffled in his seat, evidently uncomfortable. "Being Misa's manager _is _investigation work, Etsuko. At least, it helps in some way make the investigation process smoother. And I enjoy being Misa Misa's manager!"

"I know, Matsuda, but..." I sighed and was careful with the words that I choose. I didn't want to offend or hurt Matsuda's feelings. "It's just, I wish Ryuzaki would include you more in the actual work with hunting down Kira. You quit your job as a police officer in order to catch Kira! That's solid proof that you're more than determined and willing to help out!"

Matsuda was silent for a second before stiffly responding, "Quitting my job doesn't automatically mean I'm more determined than others."

I stiffened in my seat and leaned back a bit. I looked down at my hands regretfully. I had been so careful with my words, and yet they still backfired on me. I knew by Matsuda's comment that he was thinking about Aizawa. I had noticed a few days ago that Aizawa was not driving me to school anymore, something that he took turns with Matsuda doing. When I had finally questioned Matsuda about Aizawa's absence a couple of days ago, he had sadly informed me that Aizawa had left the task force. Being the breadwinner for his young family was the reason he couldn't leave his job with the NPA. But the more Matsuda had told me about how Ryuzaki had responded to Aizawa's decision, the more I realized that Aizawa's motives were not purely due to having to provide for his wife and children. Aizawa had never appeared to like Ryuzaki that much and finally Ryuzaki had pushed him too far. I understood only too well how Ryuzaki could push someone far enough for them to want to run away, but I was still surprised that Aizawa had actually left. I never had really gotten to know him, but I wish I could have said goodbye. I hadn't made life very easy for Aizawa; there were plenty of times where he had to drag me back to my room, and then there was the time where I had practically confessed to Ryuzaki that him and Matsuda had revealed information to me that Ryuzaki wanted covered up. But now he was gone, along with the opportunity to apologize for my mistakes and stubbornness.

"Yeah, I know," I quietly responded. I got up to fill our mugs, giving me time to think how I wanted to proceed with the discussion.

When I returned to the table, I simply said in a slow, thoughtful way, "As long as you're happy with your contribution, Matsuda, that's what matters to me."

Matsuda flashed me a crooked smile as he lifted his mug to his lips and wryly stated, "You're not just saying that for my sake, are you, Etsuko?"

I was silent for a second as I watched Matsuda sip at his tea, and then puffed out an exasperated sigh and confessed, "Alright, fine. I'm not going to be satisfied until Ryuzaki includes you in more of the investigation."

Matsuda chuckled quietly and resumed drinking his tea. However, his smile didn't last long before it was replaced with an uncomfortable frown that seemed to deepen as his eyes roamed the papers on the table. His eyes darted rapidly across the pages, as if they were scanning for some deeper meaning behind the printed words. I was slightly startled by his sudden, melancholy demeanour.

"Matsuda, is everything al-"

"How about we watch some TV, Etsuko? I need a break from all this paperwork," Matsuda spouted happily, having broken out of his glazed, disheartened stare. I nodded numbly as he stood up and headed towards the couch, almost eager to get away from Misa's contracts and photo shoot invitations.

I plunked down beside Matsuda and watched him intently as he flipped through the channels. He seemed to be concentrating on finding a TV show he liked, but his gaze also seemed focused on something way out of sight. Something that was way out in the distance in his mind's eye.

"Matsuda, although I would like for Ryuzaki to include you more, I did mean what I said. I'm happy as long as you're happy with your contributions. And you are contributing, Matsuda. You believe that, right?" I softly coaxed, searching his eyes as they remained fixed on the television screen.

I waited patiently for his answer. He turned to me and nodded quickly, not being able to look me directly in the eye. When he spoke, he sounded content and appeared eager to reassure me, but his words did not sound confident or sincere.

"Of course, Etsuko, of course."

Before I could probe any further, he draped his arm around my shoulders and turned up the volume on the game show that was on the TV. I relaxed into his arms and tried to focus on the answer the game contestant was spewing forth, but I couldn't help but dwell on the dispirited way that Matsuda had answered my question.

**...**

The evening of Misa's outdoor shoot was unusually warm for an autumn day. There was a slight breeze that would rustle the trees surrounding the park fountain where the shoot was taking place, but the air was mainly stifled with a claustrophobic haze of humidity. The spray from the fountain would sometimes drift on the wind and it felt good when that mist hit my cheek. I had discarded my fall jacket across one of the folding chairs that were set up around the place, but Matsuda still wore his regular business suit and tie, his shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck. I could see he was uncomfortable by his flushed cheeks and the way a few strands of his hair stuck to his sweat-slicked brow. However, he seemed to also be lost in an uncomfortable strain of thought as he clenched his cup of coffee tightly and stared intently at the fountain.

I shifted on the spot, my eyes momentarily taking a break from watching Misa complain to the wardrobe assistant that her wings were not staying in place. Based off of her loud complaining and disapproving, pointed looks, she was acting more like a devil than the angel she was supposed to be portraying.

I looked up at Matsuda and cleared my throat to get his attention. He looked down at me and smiled crookedly. It was something that Matsuda just seemed to do when he didn't know what to say or how to react. He would flash you a smile, as if it was the most natural thing to do, even if he wasn't feeling great. But I could tell when he was faking it and when it was genuine. And so far, it seemed like he had been faking it the whole evening.

"I really wish I could get Hideki Ryuga's autograph for Sayu. She would be in complete shock! But, I wouldn't have any way of explaining how I got it," I happily spouted, hoping my cheerfulness would rub off on Matsuda.

Matsuda looked mildly confused at my random comment, but good naturedly replied, "You could always pretend that you bumped into him when you were shopping one day or something."

I scoffed and muttered skeptically, "Yeah, right. Like I would be shopping in the same spots where all the fashionable, attractive people do."

Matsuda, sensing the underline self-deprecating tone to my comment, took my hand in his, leaned over to me, and whispered affectionately, "Why wouldn't you be? You're very pretty."

I couldn't help but blush, in which I tried to cover up by shaking my hair into my face. Matsuda squeezed my hand and chuckled softly under his breath at my flustered state. I just stood rigidly beside him, feeling awkward, flattered, and bashful at the same time. I squeezed his hand back in thanks and continued watching the film crew walk back and forth.

I noticed that a few camera men and some other assistants were shooting Matsuda and I quick looks when they would pass us by. Their expressions were either nosy and curious or curt and disapproving. Matsuda either didn't notice the looks or wasn't fazed by them. I, however, began to squirm a little bit on the spot and twisted my hand in his.

"Maybe we shouldn't be holding hands in public," I softly suggested, my face still turned towards the film crew and their looks.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Matsuda arch an eyebrow at my suggestion. "Why?" He sounded unconvinced and surprised.

"Because people are looking at us," I responded straightforwardly.

It was Matsuda's turn to scoff as he gripped my hand tighter and proudly stated, "Let them look! We've got nothing to hide." Matsuda suddenly turned to me and, as if to make his point, swiftly swooped down and quickly kissed me on the cheek.

I gasped and slightly tugged away. "Matsu! What would my uncle think if he saw us acting like that?" I tried to sound reprimanding, but I couldn't help but laugh a little at his sudden show of affection. Matsuda just grinned with boyish charm and mischief.

My laughter didn't last long before I started thinking about what I had said about Uncle Soichiro. He hadn't figured it out that Matsuda and I had started dating and I could only wonder what he would think of such an arrangement. Would he think we were rushing into a relationship too quickly? Would he even approve of such a match? I had heard him state on occasion to Sayu that he would not want her to ever date or marry someone from the police force. Was it because he did not want her to worry one day as Aunt Sachiko did about the safety of her boyfriend or husband? Or did he want something better for his daughter, someone who held more prestige than even a policeman? Would he have the same thoughts regarding me?

I began to think about my own father and what his thoughts would be on our relationship. My dad seemed to like Matsuda the couple of times they had met each other, but that didn't necessarily mean my father would want me to date him. I knew for a fact that my mother would be skeptical and critical of any man I started dating.

I inwardly groaned at how such a new, happy part of my life could be tainted by my over critical and worrying mind. It wasn't the first time that I wished I could have been more carefree like Matsuda.

"In all seriousness though..." I slowly stated as I withdrew my hand from Matsuda's grip. "...perhaps we should have more seriously considered jumping into a dating relationship before we actually did."

Matsuda slowly turned to look at me with a worried expression. "Are...are you having second thoughts about us-"

"No! No, of course not!" I urgently exclaimed as I quickly took his hand back and held it within both of mine. "It's just...well, perhaps we should have waited until the Kira investigation comes to an end?"

Matsuda tentatively explained, as if he didn't want to startle me, "Etsuko, that could take a long time still-"

"I know, I know. But, maybe we should have asked our parents first on what they think of-"

"We're grown adults. We don't need to ask their permission," Matsuda stated solidly, but I could hear the bitter undertone to his voice. I knew he was thinking of his father. I didn't know any intimate details regarding his relationship with his dad, but I had the feeling they weren't close.

We were silent for a second, the director's barking orders and the steady gurgle of the fountain the only sounds surrounding us. I noticed Matsuda's grip on his cup of coffee was tighter than before. I wondered if he was upset with me and I grew even more frustrated with myself than I was before.

"Just...forget everything I said. I'm just being dumb," I muttered, feeling defeated with myself.

Matsuda was silent. I snuck a glance at his face and noticed he was staring down at his shoes in a determined, serious manner.

"Matsuda? Are you angr-"

"MATSU! Hey, Matsu!"

Matsuda snapped out of his concentrated state and darted towards Misa who was calling for him. Before he completely dashed away, he turned swiftly back towards me and opened his mouth as if to say something. But no words exited his mouth and he simply stared at me in a helpless, flustered kind of way. He raised his arms a little and then let them drop to his sides before he turned around and ran towards Misa. I watched him run off, my frustration towards myself morphing into worry.

_Is he angry with me? I should have just been silent. Here he was holding my hand and kissing me on the cheek, and I completely ruined the mood by opening my big, fat mouth. No wonder he looked so dejected._

I decided I needed to gather my thoughts before Matsuda returned from obeying whatever demand Misa was doling out. I wanted to have some form of apology or explanation prepared before he returned. I strolled over to the portable toilets, knowing I would find privacy there. I locked the door behind me and tried to ignore the smell as I brainstormed what I would tell Matsuda.

I only lasted about five minutes before the stench from the portable toilet became too much and I happily exited into the outside. I could see from across the park that Misa was back to filming, which meant that Matsuda would be waiting for me to return. I hadn't come up with any clear-cut words to tell him, but decided to ask him instead what was wrong. He had been melancholy lately and his behaviour before he dashed away to Misa made me even more curious and concerned about what was going on with him. By the time I rounded the fountain and approached the spot where Matsuda and I had been standing, I felt good about my game plan.

However, my confidence quickly slipped away as I realized that Matsuda was not standing where we had been watching the shoot. Left in his presence was his crumpled cup of coffee and nothing else.

I scanned the area around the fountain, but Matsuda was nowhere to be seen. I didn't see him conversing with any of the film crew and Misa was back to sitting moodily by herself. I frowned and began to walk towards Misa.

_Now where did he go?_

I approached Misa cautiously, noticing that she was visibly uptight about something. Her arms were crossed across her chest and her foot was tapping impatiently against the folding chair she was sitting in. Her nose was scrunched up with dissatisfaction and her eyes were narrowed with irritation. She had her large, downy coat draped across her shoulders like it was a royal cape, which suited her appearance quite accurately; she appeared ready to chop someone's head off if they displeased her in the tiniest way.

"Uh, Misa...do you know where Matsuda is?" I hesitantly asked, my voice soft and steady to convey that it was not my intention to piss her off.

Misa humphed and crossed her arms tighter. "That's what Misa was going to ask you, Etsuko. It seems your boyfriend is missing when he should be bringing Misa a cup of water or updating Misa on photo shoots-"

"So, you haven't seen him at all since you finished shooting?" I ignored Misa's rant regarding Matsuda's performance as her manager; it was a tense subject between us, since she usually didn't seem all that pleased with Matsuda's managerial actions. I always tried to explain to her (in a somewhat impatient manner which I couldn't quite control) that Matsuda's calling in life was not to be a fashion model's manager, but a police officer. That usually made Misa settle down with her complaints, but it was a subject between us that required regular resolution.

Misa sighed and shook her head, her shoulders relaxing slightly and her frown dissolving a tad. "No, Misa hasn't. He must have run off somewhere. Maybe he's in the washroom, if you can call those disgusting, little, portable shacks 'washroo-"

"No, I just came from there. I wonder where he's gone," my voice trailing quietly off as I continued to scan the area. Misa must have noticed the hint of worry in my voice and my slightly creased brow, because all of the frustration in her voice disappeared as she reached over and squeezed my shoulder supportively.

"Misa's sure he'll be back soon, Etsuko," Misa kindly reassured. I flashed her a quick smile, thankful for her remark. Despite her complaints regarding Matsuda's actions as her manager, she was still a good friend. When I had first informed her that Matsuda and I were dating, she had been over-the-moon with delight and ooohed and ahhhed over our new relationship. I had laughed along with her, but I had also wished that I could have done the same with her and Light. I wished that the same joy and excitement that I felt with Matsuda, Misa could experience with Light.

"Thanks, Misa. I'm sure you're right."

Matsuda didn't quickly come back though. Misa eventually had to return to her shoot and I was left alone, my worry increasing steadily with each minute that passed with him still gone. I barely paid any attention to watching Misa's shoot, but concentrated my sight on my watch and scrutinizing the area. I scanned the people passing by the fountain, trying to pick out Matsuda's form. A couple of times I thought I saw him approaching, only to realize with disappointment that it wasn't him. Twilight was darkening into night time and it was becoming increasingly difficult to pinpoint features of the people who walked by. I stopped a couple of crew members to ask if they had seen him, but none had in their busyness of working.

_Where did he go? Why couldn't he just remain where he was and not run off somewhere? He knows I worry about things like this. Maybe he got a call from Ryuzaki and had to go back to HQ and is actually being put to work on investigation stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's probably what it is. _

My mental reassurances were clouded by one irrational fear that tainted every prior plausible thought.

_Or maybe he got hit by a bus when crossing the street. _

I grumbled to myself and tried to distract myself by watching Misa's shoot, but I found I couldn't stand still and decided to walk to the other end of the park and back. Perhaps that would clear my thoughts and dispel the jittery, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or at least lessen it.

As I walked down the now mainly deserted park path, the warm glow from the lamplights shining down on the patches of pavement, my mind began to wander towards my father and when he didn't come home that August night when I was six years old. I quickly rationalized that the likelihood of Matsuda being in danger was miniscule and that he wasn't even technically a cop anymore. He didn't carry a gun or his badge, so if he passed by a robbery or some attempted murder, he wouldn't be able to do anything and the cops-who-were-still-cops would have to take care of it. Knowing Matsuda though, he would try to do something.

"Just stop it, Etsuko. Just stop," I mumbled to myself and turned around to head back to the shoot.

When I rounded the fountain, I found that the film crew were packing up their equipment for the night. I could see Misa a ways away chatting on her phone. Or was it phones? She was standing up, still in her costume, and was staring intently into the distance as she had both her work and personal phones near her ears, listening hard. As I neared her, she hung up with one of the phones and started to wave me over frantically as soon as she saw me approaching. I ran up to her, thinking she had news of where Matsuda was.

"Etsuko! Misa thought you had disappeared on me, too! Light wants to speak to you!" Misa exclaimed as she handed me her cell phone.

"Is Matsuda with him?" I eagerly asked as I took the phone.

I didn't wait for Misa's answer and held the phone firmly to my ear. "Light?"

"Etsuko, I've tried phoning you for the past ten minutes. Didn't Ryuzaki give you a cell phone to use if you ever needed to contact the task force?" Light sounded a little exasperated, clearly not too impressed with my forgetfulness.

"Sorry. I must have left it back in my apartment. I...I never use it really," I explained, telling Light the truth. The cell phone that Ryuzaki had "given" me (more like slipped into my pocket when I had first moved into HQ) remained mostly on my bedroom dresser unused. I was only able to contact the task force, Watari, and Ryuzaki, which rendered it pretty useless since they were always at HQ if I needed anything. I wasn't able to use it to contact anyone on the outside, so I found it quite ineffective. The one day it could have come in handy and I didn't have it on me.

"It's fine. Just listen to me because I have to be quick. Catch a cab and get back to headquarters right away, understand? Ryuzaki needs you here right now," Light quickly explained, his voice firm and serious. I thought I also could detect a faint hint of alarm in his voice.

"Light, what's going on? Why does Ryuzaki need me back right away? Matsuda's been gone for over half an hour now and I'm not leaving until we know where he is."

"We know where Matsuda is, Etsuko, but I can't tell you anything until you get back to headquarters, okay?" Light's voice increased in volume and that tinge of alarm became more noticeable in his tone. My worry transformed into dread.

"Light, what are you not telling me?" I hesitantly asked, not really sure if I wanted the answer.

I heard Light sigh on the other end and I could hear Ryuzaki in the background mumble something to my cousin. I strained to hear what he was saying, but it was useless. There was another second of silence and then Light firmly stated, "You need to get back here right away. Everything will be explained then. Understand, Etsuko?"

I swallowed with difficulty, my mouth bone dry. "Yes, alright. I'll be there right away."

I hung up the phone and handed it back to Misa, who had been not-so-secretly listening in on the conversation. She was eyeing me with curiosity as she pocketed the phone in her purse.

"So, what do they have you doing?" Misa asked as she slipped out of her shoes and into her own pair of flats.

I blinked and shook my head, momentarily trying to piece together what exactly was going on. "Light wants me to head back to headquarters and...sorry, Misa, but I've got to go. I have a feeling something bad has happened to Matsuda."

I didn't even wait for Misa to respond before I shrugged on my jacket and headed towards the main road. Before I could get too far out of hearing range, Misa called out to me, "Misa just spoke to Matsuda, Etsuko! Everything's under control!"

I whipped back around to face her and called back anxiously, "What do you mean everything's under control? Where's Matsuda?"

Misa opened her mouth and then hesitated. She was being held back from telling me something. I concluded that there were things Light or Ryuzaki had told her that she wasn't supposed to repeat to me. And that made me more frustrated and worried than anything.

I took a few steps back towards Misa and called back eagerly, "Please, Misa! What's going on? Please tell me where Matsuda is! He's...he's my boyfriend after all!"

Misa sadly looked at me and then loudly sighed and shook her head. "Misa's sure they'll tell you once you get back to HQ! Just don't worry, Etsuko! Don't worry!"

I puffed out a sigh of frustration. I was tired of not being told what was going on. I spun back around and ran towards the busy downtown road, my eyes already searching for a cab.

"_Don't worry." Pfftt, yeah, right. My boyfriend's missing and everyone's being secretive of his whereabouts, but I'm not supposed to worry. _

I hailed a cab and told the driver to take the fastest route possible to headquarters. The fifteen minutes it took to get back to HQ seemed instead like an hour, and I barely counted the fare as I stuffed a wad of cash into the driver's hand and booked it up the stairs to HQ. Ryuzaki and Light were in the main investigation area, both of them scanning the huge screens against the far wall. I only vaguely noticed that the room projected on the screens was Misa's living room in her apartment.

"Alright, so now can you tell me what's going on?" I puffed out as I tried to catch my breath from running up the stairs two at a time.

Ryuzaki and Light both turned towards me and watched me huff and puff for a couple of seconds in silence. Light kept aiming Ryuzaki sidelong glances, as if he was wondering just how much to reveal. He looked worried and uncomfortable. Ryuzaki, on the other hand, appeared as calm as ever, if not maybe a little bit pissed as well.

"Please go on up to your suite, Miss Yagami, until you are called for," Ryuzaki stated.

My breath suddenly came whooshing back into my lungs and I sputtered out in outrage, "What?! You had me rush back here as quickly as possible just to tell me to go to my apartment? You've got to be kidding! I'm not going anywhere until I know where Matsuda is!"

"I'm afraid that that isn't possible right now, Miss Ya-"

"Etsu, it's going to be alright-"

"Light, that's not going to help!" I shrugged Light's hands off my shoulders and tried to sound determined and strong; I wasn't going to allow my words to waver with worry. "I'm not going to back down. I deserve to know where my boyf – where Matsuda is. Right now."

I refrained from stamping my foot, not wanting to look childish. Light sighed and turned towards Ryuzaki. When Ryuzaki simply went about punching things into his computer (or in other words, continued to ignore my little rant), Light turned back to me and firmly stated, "Matsuda's on his way here."

Ryuzaki stopped typing and turned around to flash Light a perturbed look. "I believe giving your cousin any information at this time, Light, was not part of our plan."

Light ignored Ryuzaki's reprimanding words and continued to gaze at me. I could tell he was being truthful, but the stubborn sternness clouding his eyes indicated that he was holding back from telling me everything. I couldn't help but give in to my childish desires and stamped my foot angrily.

"Dammit, that's all you're going to tell me, isn't it?"

Light sighed and ran his hand over his eyes, clearly frustrated that things weren't running smoothly. "Yes, that's all I'm going to tell you for now, Etsuko. I honestly think it's for the best."

I continued to frown at Light, not trying to disguise the irritation I felt. I crossed my arms and snapped moodily at Ryuzaki, "I know better than to ask _you _for more information."

Ryuzaki didn't acknowledge my comment.

"But that's not going to stop me from becoming involved. If there's anything I can do or any way I can help, please let me. I can't just sit in my room and be useless. Especially...especially since this concerns Matsuda," I ended miserably, the worry momentarily replacing the anger.

Light, without taking his determined eyes off of my still smoldering ones, asked Ryuzaki over his shoulder, "Ryuzaki?"

Ryuzaki grumbled quietly and, after a second of standing hunched over his computer screen, he slowly turned around and muttered out, "Well, perhaps there is something you can do to help out..."

**...**

"THIS is how he wants me to help out?!"

I picked up another article of Misa's clothing that had been tossed on the living room carpet and added it to the growing pile of clothing in my arms. I did a weird, crab-like kind of shuffling walk towards her bedroom, almost completely weighed down by all the clothing I had gathered. Misa may have always appeared put together in appearance, but her apartment was another story. I had seen her after a long day of photo shoots come home and just toss clothing on the ground. I didn't care about how messy she could be, until I was told that I was going to be cleaning her apartment about fifteen minutes ago.

"Why he can't come up here and help clean is beyond me," I complained as I unloaded the whole pile onto Misa's bed. I then shuffled back to the living room to resume my cleaning. After demanding several times more for information, Ryuzaki had informed me that Matsuda and Misa were going to be returning to her apartment. They were going to entertain some potential clients that were interested in using Misa as the face for their advertising campaign. Matsuda had apparently forgotten that he had an appointment with this company to promote Misa, and had suddenly remembered and then scurried off to arrange the details for the get together during Misa's shoot. I would have bought the whole situation if it wasn't for the urgency in Light's voice when he had phoned me and the genuine confusion from Misa when I had asked her where Matsuda was. Misa demanded to be kept up-to-date on photo shoots and rehearsals, so for her to not remember to remind Matsuda to make the appointment seemed very out of place.

There was something else going on...

Watari was busy in the kitchen preparing sushi and slicing generous portions of fish. I could smell something delicious bubbling on the stovetop and my stomach gurgled with hunger. I called out as I sprayed some polish cleaner on a dust rag and began to clean the coffee table top, "Watari, how much time do we have again before they arrive?"

Without breaking his concentration on slicing and dicing the tuna, Watari calmly answered, "Half an hour-"

"Oh, that's good! I still need to vacuum and then-"

"—but we only have ten more minutes before the others arrive," Watari smoothly finished his sentence, not a hint of urgency in his voice. He tasted the simmering sauce and then resumed slicing.

"Wait, what others?" I paused in my rubbing the glass table top, but I had barely spoken before there was a knock on Misa's apartment door.

Watari finally turned around from the counter and walked towards the door. "Ah, it seems they have arrived early."

The question of who "they" were was answered as Watari opened the door and a highly excitable and highly talkative group of girls spilled through the entranceway. I counted five altogether and stared at the fashionable clothes they were all wearing. They all appeared to know each other and were happily chattering away with one another as if Watari and I were not present. I was somewhat intimidated by their appearances; they all seemed to have pristinely applied make-up and each individual had dyed hair that complimented their eye colour perfectly. That and the fact that they all appeared slim and toned, as if they were all fashion mod –

"May I introduce you to five of the girls from Akiyama Modeling Agency. They are here to help provide hospitable entertainment for the guests who will be arriving this evening," Watari smoothly introduced the pack of girls who had quieted down as soon as he started to speak. Some of them nodded eagerly while others just stood gracefully and smiled demurely.

_Provide entertainment? Are they going to set up an improv photo shoot or something? _

"Ryuzaki has asked that you assist them in getting ready for this evening, Miss Yagami," Watari concluded, his mustache twitching slightly in amusement. It wasn't hard to guess that Watari already knew what type of reaction he would receive from me.

I groaned as quietly as I could and my hands clenched into fists. "You mean he wants me to wait on them while they get ready." It wasn't phrased as a question, because I already knew the answer.

Watari nodded and simply said, "Yes."

I sighed softly, not wanting the agency girls to see my dissatisfaction with the arrangement. I didn't like being treated like a maid. I wanted to help out in a more significant way. Realistically though, I knew that cleaning up after Misa and helping the agency models get ready for the guests was as much help as I could be in the situation.

_If it helps make the evening a little easier for Matsuda, then I'll do it._

I showed the girls to a large spare bedroom and they instantly went about their routines of getting ready. It was a whirlwind of tossed clothing, mad dashes towards the limited outlets for hair straighteners and curlers, and organizing the vanity space with bagfuls of make-up and hairspray. They seemed to have the whole situation under control, but I helped out as best I could with touching up someone's skirt with the iron, fetching sparkling water for a parched throat (or, in one model's case, a bottle of Sake at her request), and holding up hand mirrors for final inspections of how one looked.

Five minutes before Matsuda, Misa, and the guests were to arrive, Watari popped his head into the bedroom and announced with just a smidgen of haste, "The guests will be arriving very shortly, Miss Yagami. I am requested to be at the doors to welcome them in. I suggest that the agency models be ready soon so you can make your exit."

I glanced over the mirror I was holding steady for one of the model's and nodded confidently, knowing that Watari was really telling me to hurry up. "For sure, Watari. We're almost done."

Watari hesitated for a second, perhaps weighing the option to either stay until he saw me out the door or to go downstairs and be in place for the guests. I tried to help him along in his decision by adorning a pleasant smile and stating earnestly, "This is the last model who needs to make sure everything's in place and then we're done. Ryuzaki ordered me to remain until all the models were ready, right?"

Watari hesitated a second longer, but then nodded and exited by saying, "Very well, Miss Yagami."

As soon as Watari had closed the door, the model who was preening at the mirror mumbled in a snarky tone, "I'm not almost done with the mirror, for your information. I'll still be another five minutes or so."

I glanced at her from the side of the mirror and mumbled tentatively, trying to phrase my words as politely as possible, "Can't you just...uh, just be a bit quicker than usual?"

She tore her eyes away from her image and stared at me with large, dubious eyes, as if I had just asked her to jump off the balcony. She snapped with contempt, "Are you serious?! What do you know about getting ready for entertaining?" Her eyes narrowed as she scrutinized my plain, brown hair and T-shirt and jean shorts.

I tried not to sound too affronted and muttered, "Uh, well, not much I guess-"

"Ignore her. She's always taking more time oohhing and ahhing at herself than the other girls," one of the other models reassured me and flashed me a kind smile. I grinned shyly back.

The model at the mirror snarled as she sprayed half a bottle of hairspray into her dark brown hair. "At least I have more style than just wearing boring, old braids and a ratty Fedora hat." The model at the mirror flashed a prideful, insulting smirk towards the other model as she pulled her purple top even lower to show more cleavage.

The other model appeared unfazed by the hurtful jab as she flipped one of her brown braids over her shoulder and stroked her treasured hat that was sitting on the bed. "The agency director thought my sense of style was good enough for a photo shoot in New York City, Hitomi." As if to make her point, she began to fiddle with the hem of a "I Love NY" t-shirt that was lying across a chair. I had noticed that she had been wearing it when she had first entered the suite.

"Yeah, at least Kumiko doesn't have to whore herself around in order to get overseas photo shoots!" One of the other models piped up tauntingly and the rest of the models squealed with laughter. The model named Kumiko refrained from joining in the laughter aimed at her fellow colleague and simply rolled her eyes and retouched her make-up in the mirror. I felt uncomfortable with the models' cattiness and wondered how Misa put up with their insults and bitchiness.

It was in the middle of their raucous laughter that I heard a door close a little ways off in the suite. I craned my neck towards the door to hear better. As the models' giggles died down, I could clearly hear muffled voices and footsteps nearing the door to Misa's living room. I tensed with sudden haste.

"The guests are here! You have to go out there now and welcome them or-"

"Listen, did you not just hear what I said? I said I would be another five minutes or so," the model named Hitomi snapped contemptuously as she waved her mascara wand in my face, as if ready to stab my eyeball with it.

I didn't let up though and pleaded urgently, "You don't understand! If he catches me still here when the guests arrive, then I'll be in big trouble and-"

"Hitomi, you look great. Let's just go and get out of this girl's way," Kumiko wearily muttered as she pulled on Hitomi's shoulder strap and steered her towards the bedroom door. She flashed me an apologetic, tired smile as Hitomi began to complain about how she still wasn't ready. I shrugged my shoulders indifferently as a response as the other girls followed suit and chattered happily as they exited into the living room.

I tiptoed a couple of steps into the living room, hoping I could make a quick escape somehow through some other exit. But I quickly dashed back into the spare bedroom as I heard the click of the living room door open and the guests enter. The models chorused a sing-songy welcome to the guests and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at how fake and overly sweet they sounded when seconds before they were harassing one another. I could hear Misa's voice and the quiet murmur of male voices and I knew that I would not be able to leave the bedroom without being seen.

_Heaven forbid that some ordinary businessmen see some ordinary girl quietly slip out of the suite. I don't know why Ryuzaki is being so strict about this. _

I paused in my thoughts as I began to fold some discarded clothes on the carpet.

_Unless...unless this isn't just some regular meeting regarding Misa's career. This all seemed too fishy to begin with, and now it seems even fishier. _

I continued to fold clothing and sort the various bottles of hair products on the dresser. It appeared that I would have to wait in the spare bedroom until the guests departed. I reasoned that I should clean up a little. I listened absently to the chatter from the room next door and the occasional peal of high-pitched laughter or the gruff chuckling of one of the businessmen. I strained to hear Matsuda's voice, but I couldn't decipher it amidst the models' giggles and the overall noise from the living room.

_If only I could just hear his voice conversing with one of the businessmen or Misa. Just to have that proof that he's here and not lost. _

I must have been cleaning the room for only about ten minutes when the phone on the night table suddenly rang. I stared at it suspiciously, wondering who could be phoning. The phone hadn't rung a second time before I realized that there was only one possible caller.

I picked up the phone and muttered tiredly, "Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"Miss Yagami, I believe I had instructed for you to leave Misa's suite before the guests arrived," Ryuzaki droned out in a calm, straight forward manner. I could hear the undertone of irritation loud and clear though.

"I know, I know! But one of the models was being difficult and-"

"I don't want to hear excuses, Miss Yagami. I just want you to listen to me closely because I don't want to repeat myself."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, not liking the slow, condescending tone he was using, as if he was speaking to a child. "What is it?"

If Ryuzaki heard my impatient sigh, he didn't acknowledge it and explained in a stern, low voice, "All of the guests are currently sitting down in the living room and are busy being occupied with the models. Now is the ideal time to slip out of the bedroom, through the kitchen, quickly past the living room, and out the suite door. Do you understand me, Miss Yagami?"

I didn't answer right away, but just stared off towards the opposite wall, trying to figure out why Ryuzaki was giving me such instructions. "Um, why do you want me to leave the room? I would've assumed that you'd want me to just stay here and wait until the guests leave. Doesn't that make more sense?"

Ryuzaki was quick with a direct, cutting answer, clearly not having the patience to deal with my inquiring, "Miss Yagami, please do not question my directions. You will leave as soon as I hang up the phone. You will take the stairs. And you will not speak to anyone. That includes Matsuda. Understood?"

A knot of worry began to coil within my gut at Ryuzaki's rushed words. He sounded more impatient than usual and even a little exasperated. Somewhat similar to how Light had sounded on the phone earlier on. Why couldn't I take the elevator like I always did? And why didn't he want me to speak to anyone? He had said "that includes Matsuda," but his tone of voice had conveyed something more like "that _especially _includes Matsuda." Again I began to question the genuineness of what was going on and if everything that was being said and done was completely legit. Something seemed off...

"Miss Yagami, do you understand?" Ryuzaki repeated.

I quietly responded, lost within my worries, "Yes, I understand."

Ryuzaki didn't wait for me to say anything else and hung up the phone. I listened to the dead end tone for a couple of seconds before setting the phone down and heading towards the bedroom door.

I waited until the murmuring voices died down a little before opening the door a crack and peeking out. I could see a few shadows dancing off of the walls, but no actual businessmen. I slowly took a few steps out of the room and down the hallway, careful to hug the wall. I had barely made it into the kitchen when I almost collided into a hefty, broad shouldered man who had also staggered into the kitchen at the same time as me.

"Oh, excuse me, I was just leaving-"

"Hiding in the kitchen were we? Aren't you supposed to be out there, urgh, entertaining us?" The man belched out his words and swayed back and forth on the spot, his expensive suit ruined by a few Sake stains. Clearly, he had had already too much to drink, but was still going strong; his balance was unsteady, but his voice was stable and firm.

Realizing that he believed me to be one of the models, I nervously stuttered as I began to inch away from his lurching frame, "I-I was just go-going back into there—"

"No, don't go. Why not stay in the kitchen here with me?" The man swayed closer to me, invading my personal space with his looming body and reeking breath. My heart began to pound as I backed up and felt the corner of the counter jab into my back.

The businessman brushed some of his yellowish, blond hair out of his beady eyes and rested a hand on the counter space right beside me. "We can have our own little fashion show right here." The man smirked at what seemed to be a silent joke and then muttered in a slow, husky tone, "It can be an _au naturel_ fashion show."

Before I could move away, the man's hand suddenly reached towards the edge of my T-shirt and grabbed a hold of it. I pulled away and squeaked out in a panicked voice, "No! Leave me alone-"

"Oh, come on now. You're not dressed like the other models, but I bet under that baggy T-shirt of yours it's all-"

I stumbled as I continued to back away, my fingers trying to pry off the businessman's strong ones. "No, please! Please leave me-"

"Come on-"

"She said leave her alone."

I gasped out a heavy sigh of relief as I glanced around the businessman to find Matsuda standing in the entrance way of the kitchen. His suit jacket was absent and I could tell he had been drinking a little by his flushed cheeks. But his words had been steady and clear and the glare he was aiming at the businessman was unmistakably sober with disapproval. A flash of something akin to loathing flickered behind his stare, an emotion I had never seen behind Matsuda's eyes.

The businessman eyed Matsuda to see what type of threat he posed and snapped rudely, "Aren't you supposed to be serving the food or drinks or whatever, manager?"

Hearing the businessman's voice seemed to snap Matsuda out of his silent glaring and a trace of fear suddenly flashed across his eyes. He gulped and his eyes darted from the businessman to me, as if he was weighing the situation or coming to some sort of understanding.

When Matsuda spoke again, his voice was flustered and nervous. "Please return to the living room where a new bottle of Sake has been served. There are many models there that you can, uh, entertain yourself with. This, um, model I need to have a word with."

The businessman snorted derisively and roughly shoved Matsuda aside with his shoulder, gruffly stating as he passed out of the kitchen, "Fine. More models to choose from in the living room anyways."

As soon as the businessman had left, Matsuda approached me and took me by the shoulders. His words were quick and shaky and his eyes were wide with concern. "Are you okay, Etsuko? I'm sorry that that guy came in here—what are you doing here anyways?"

"I'm fine. Listen, Matsuda, I'm not supposed to be speaking with you, but I need to know what's going on! Things don't seem to be making much sense," I hurriedly said, my hands on top of Matsuda's which were still resting on my shoulders.

Matsuda suddenly tensed up and withdrew his hands from my shoulders as he took a couple of steps back. His voice was uncharacteristically flat.

"Etsuko, you have to leave now. Go back to your apartment and just stay there until Ryuzaki says so. Okay?"

I shook my head and retorted incredulously, "Are you serious? Why can't you tell me what's going on? Isn't there some way that I can be useful besides just getting out of everyone's way?"

Matsuda cringed at my words. He studied my face, with its exasperated, disappointed expression. And he narrowed in on my eager eyes. The clatter and laugher from the living room seemed miles away as we stood in silence staring at each other. Matsuda finally sighed with understanding and stepped towards me.

"Etsuko, I'm not pushing you away or trying to get rid of you. You're more than capable of helping out. I know that," Matsuda seriously said, his words heavy with conviction. "But it's not right that you be here. You have to trust me on this one."

Trust. Something I really wasn't used to doling out, even to those I relied on and believed in. Even with Matsuda, who was one of the most trusting persons I had ever met, trusting him didn't always come easy. I remember once Ryuzaki had proposed to me that the reason I didn't trust people was because of what had happened to my dad years ago. But maybe that was only half true. Perhaps the reason I found it so hard to trust people was because I had such little experience doing it.

Practice makes perfect...or something like that...

All I wanted to do was stay with Matsuda. Was I prepared though to trust his word and take my leave?

I sighed and fiddled with a loose thread on my T-shirt, finding it hard to be completely still. I hated saying goodbyes, even if they were for a superficial amount of time.

I finally looked up at Matsuda and tried to sound firm as I addressed him. "Fine. As long as you explain everything once the businessmen have gone home and you come down to my apartment."

I didn't understand Matsuda's reaction of flinching backwards a tad and his lips contorting into a frown. What had I said to cause such a response? Before I could outwardly ask, Matsuda suddenly gathered me into a tight hug, his fingers grasping onto my arms almost possessively. My arms were pinned so tightly to my sides that I couldn't even return the embrace. Matsuda's heart was pounding a mile a minute, as if he had just run a marathon instead of standing still. And, I wasn't completely sure, but it almost felt like he was shaking.

"Matsu-"

"Just head downstairs, Etsuko and..."

I looked up at him as his words trailed off with no direction. His eyes were slightly watery as he stared straight ahead. From the angle I was at being pressed against his chest and looking up, I could clearly see his Adam's apple bob up and down uncomfortably as it accompanied his racing pulse. His worrying actions weren't making leaving him any easier.

"Matsuda...you _will _come down to my apartment after?" I nervously asked, not sure anymore of what he was planning on doing.

Matsuda glanced down at me with a distant, solemn gaze, but refrained from answering as he pressed his lips to my forehead in a long, tender kiss and then slowly released me. His silence was anything but reassuring.

He held my hand a moment longer and then stated again softly, still not answering my simple question, "Just head downstairs, Etsuko. Please."

I realized he wasn't going to answer me and my own heart began to thud with trepidation. Matsuda didn't wait to see me out of the kitchen and simply walked backwards towards the living room, his eyes never leaving mine until he finally rounded the corner and disappeared from sight. I listened to his exuberant voice mix with the models' and the businessmen's voices and felt nauseous knowing his cheerfulness was just a ruse to trick the other occupants of the living room. I suddenly felt like I needed air and dashed out of the kitchen and through the living room without even glancing to see if someone had noticed my presence. I sped down the hallway to the front door of the suite and practically slammed the door shut behind me, wanting to drown out the laughter from the living room. I stood leaning against the door staring down at my feet for several minutes, trying to figure out the situation. But it was useless. It was like trying to put together a puzzle with pieces that had no picture on them.

As I trudged towards the stairwell, I suddenly stopped and realized that I did have one "puzzle piece" that could possibly provide some clarity.

I whipped my head around to face the elevator that was located at the far end of the hall.

_He told me to use the stairs. There had to be some reason. Perhaps the elevator is the key to solving this whole mystery of what's been going on._

Without a second thought, I dashed towards the elevator and hesitated for a second on which button to press before pushing both the down and up buttons. I bounced up and down on my feet, waiting with apprehension and impatience at the same time. Would the opening of the elevator doors reveal something to me, or would I have to return to my apartment empty handed?

The ding of the elevator signalled its arrival and I held my breath as the doors slid open.

I never could have imagined the sight that found my eyes when the elevator doors opened. It was beyond strange and curious and even a little worrisome.

My uncle and one of the other police officers were standing at opposite ends of each other, practically wedged against the sides of the elevator. The offending object that was doing the crushing? A mattress. About a queen sized mattress that was literally taking up the entire elevator space.

My surprise lasted for only a second before I roughly pushed it aside at the first sign of panicky realization crossing Uncle Soichiro's face. I then proceeded to push and wedge myself into the elevator before the doors could close and swiftly jabbed the Door Close button. Uncle Soichiro had only a second to open his mouth and get the first syllable of my name out, before I hastily interrupted him.

"Ets-"

"Uncle, what's going on with Matsuda? I know that everything is not right and that the meeting upstairs in Misa's suite is not what it seems. So now you're stuck with me in this elevator and I demand to know what's going on."

Uncle Soichiro blinked and studied me with something akin to shock. I had never spoken to my uncle or any other family member in such a demanding, rude way, but this wasn't an ordinary situation and I was fed up with not receiving any answers.

Uncle Soichiro swallowed and licked his lips, no doubt hesitating on how exactly he should respond. "Uh, Etsuko, no-nothing's going on with Mat-"

"Uncle, you're riding an elevator with a gigantic mattress. How can I possibly believe you that nothing is going on?" I skeptically asked, my eyebrows raised in dubious arches as I scrutinized the mattress.

Uncle remained resolutely silent as he shifted the mattress in his hands. The other police officer was watching Uncle Soichiro carefully, waiting for a plan of action from his boss. I stubbornly stared down my uncle, trying hard to not budge from my determined stance.

Uncle Soichiro cleared his throat and straightforwardly said in that semi-strict, police voice that he used when he was being firm, "Etsuko, this is not the time to discuss this. Officer Mogi and I have to be somewhere very soon. Delays are not an option. So please get off at the next floor and we'll talk later if you wish."

Uncle Soichiro's stern voice always got under my skin, perhaps because I so rarely heard it aimed at me. I shrank back a little, trying to think of how to respond. Uncle continued to stare me down with an unyielding look. No words came to me as we continued to descend down, past my floor, and then down a couple more. I could tell that uncle was becoming impatient as we neared the ninth floor, which was their destination based off of the glowing 9 button on the elevator panel. It was then that I realized I had only to do one thing to get Uncle Soichiro to speak to me.

The elevator dinged as we reached the ninth floor. Uncle Soichiro moved towards the elevator doors, but I was at the front and not encumbered by half a mattress. My hand swiftly darted to the side and jabbed the Door Hold button. My finger remained firmly pressed against the button.

Uncle's stern voice grew louder and more urgent when he realized what I was doing. "Etsuko, open the door right now! You don't know what you're doing!"

"I'm going to keep these doors closed until I get an answer, uncle! I'm sure delivering a mattress can wait a couple of seconds," I quickly spurted out, my eyes never leaving uncle's as I stood blocking the door.

Uncle shook his head and gruffly sighed in exasperation. "This isn't time for games! You don't understand! If we're not out of this elevator and positioned with this mattress in the next ten minutes then-"

"Then what?! What's going to happen?" I cried out, my voice increasing in pitch and volume and urgency. I could only attribute my increasing frenzied state to the adrenaline that was crazily coursing through my body at that moment.

I noticed that Officer Mogi's eyes kept flashing towards my hand pressing the button and I wondered if he was trying to gage how he could get his hands free from holding the mattress to grab my hand away. I inched slowly closer to the panel of elevator buttons, effectively blocking them. Officer Mogi's frown deepened and he flashed uncle a curious look, silently inquiring what should be done.

I was going to voice the same question again, but I studied uncle's demeanour a little closer. He didn't look simply impatient, but panicked by his rapidly shifting eyes and heavy breathing. And I realized with stomach-turning clarity that the answer to my question would be anything but reassuring.

I asked again, this time in a wavering, hesitant whisper, "What's going to happen, uncle?"

Uncle deeply sighed and looked away from me, and suddenly, just like that, I had my answer. It's amazing how sometimes the loudest, clearest answer is communicated without words. Matsuda's racing pulse when I had been in his arms and then his dejected stare as he had backed away from me in the kitchen. His actions had overpowered any reassuring words he could have spoken to me. Combined now with uncle's defeated sigh and broken gaze, I knew what he was afraid to tell me.

"It's Matsuda, isn't it? Something bad is going to happen to him," I choked out, cringing at my own words.

Maybe it was because I was family to Uncle Soichiro. Maybe it was because he knew how much I had been through since January and felt guilty about it. Or maybe he had already suspected how close to Matsuda I really was. Whatever the reason, I believe one of them was the motive to why uncle answered me truthfully, or even answered me at all.

Uncle swallowed and simply said, his voice almost bland it was so straightforward, "Yes."

I closed my eyes and exhaled a shuddering sigh. For a split second, a gentle wave of relief washed over me; I had at last received confirmation to my worry. However, it was quickly drowned by a tidal wave of dread and concern.

Uncle's firm, steady voice broke the tense silence before I could utter any question or word. "Etsuko, I know you want answers, but right now it's important that you just listen to me. Matsuda is in a dangerous situation, but that's why Mogi and I are here to help him out."

I shook my head and accusingly asked, "By carrying around a mattress? How's that going to help Matsuda?" I shot the mattress an angry glare, as if it was the cause for Matsuda's dilemma. I hated how stupidly useless it looked.

Uncle exhaled a withering sigh and swiftly answered, "I can see why you think that, Etsuko, but..." Uncle Soichiro awkwardly shifted the mattress in his hands in order to lean in a little closer to me. He semi-successfully controlled the impatience in his voice and quietly, calmly said, "Listen, if you want to be of any help, Etsuko, you can't ask us any more questions right now. You have to let us exit the elevator and do what we came here to do. You have to trust me on this."

Trust again. How many more times was I going to have to rely solely on someone's trust? How many times had Light told me in the past several months to trust him? Or Uncle Soichiro? Or Matsuda? Or even Misa? I was tired of trusting people, even though I had a pretty shitty record of doing so. It seemed that in the past few months though, I had learned how mentally exhausting doling out trust was. I didn't like doing it.

But then I pictured Matsuda's distressed face that I had seen only a few minutes ago and suddenly trust seemed easy.

_I told myself that I would help out in any way I could this evening in order to help out Matsuda. So be it then._

I shakily breathed out and quietly muttered back, "Okay, uncle. I'll trust you on this. I...I promise."

Uncle's shoulders untensed and he graciously responded, "Thank you, Etsuko."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and let my hand limply fall away from the Door Hold button. As soon as the elevator doors opened, uncle and Officer Mogi quickly side-stepped me and darted towards the far end of the hallway. I stared numbly after them as they half-ran, half-hobbled down the hall with the mattress, until the elevator doors began to close and my frozen state cracked and I ran down the hallway after them.

I followed them into a dark, empty room at the end of the hall. They didn't even bother turning on the lights as they grunted and groaned while setting down the mattress against the wall. Mogi swung upon the balcony door and stepped out into the night, peering upwards at the building with a calculating, nervous gaze. Uncle dragged a large, clunky bag that had been sitting in the corner of the room towards the mattress and patted it a couple of times, as if determining how heavy or tough it was.

I continued to stand rooted to the spot watching them hurry around in the dark room, confused and frustrated at the same time.

"I just...I just don't understand how this is going to help Matsuda," I whined meekly, knowing I had agreed to trust uncle, but still not being able to keep quiet.

Uncle Soichiro helped Mogi squeeze the mattress outside onto the balcony. They leaned it up against the balcony railing at a slanted angle; it still appeared useless and stupid. Uncle Soichiro muttered breathlessly over his shoulder as he heaved the bag into his arms and carried it towards the sliding balcony door, "Etsuko, I know this must look ridiculous and completely unhelpful, but it's going to help Matsuda."

I snorted and crossed my arms even tighter across my chest as I skeptically scoffed, "How exactly? Is he going to jump from the building or something?"

Instead of reassuring me that what I had said was nonsense, a nervous, knowing look passed between uncle and Mogi and I suddenly felt like I had been punched straight into the gut. My jaw became slack and my arms uncrossed and dangled loosely at my sides as I gaped at the two men before me.

"Are...are you serious?" I pointed towards the balcony and stared back and forth from uncle to Mogi. "He's not really going to-"

Uncle rapidly approached me and held his hands out as if to block me from coming any closer. "Etsuko, just stay back and don't-"

"Chief! I think I hear him!" Mogi suddenly called from the balcony, his eyes fixed upwards at the balconies above. Uncle, his hands still stretched out to block me, turned his head towards the balcony and listened. I craned forwards a little to hear whatever Mogi had heard.

At first I could only hear my heart beat pounding within my ears, but then after a second I could hear a familiar voice drifting on the wind outside. It seemed to come from above and it sounded rather jovial and upbeat. The recognizable pitch and tone that always seemed to contain some form of good-naturedness could only belong to Matsuda.

I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, but the sound of his voice unfroze my feet and I hurried towards the balcony. "What is Matsuda do-"

"Stay back! You must stay back and be quiet, Etsuko," Uncle whispered fiercely, his hands effectively blocking me from coming any closer to the outside.

I saw the urgency flash behind uncle's eyes and I knew that whatever was supposed to happen was going to happen soon. I hugged myself tightly and whimpered a little as I slowly backed away. A slow haze of panic began to descend upon me, but I tried desperately to keep it at bay and continued to back away towards a corner of the room. Mogi was now standing beside the mattress, his sturdy build keeping the mattress upright and his eyes never leaving the balconies above. Uncle stood ready near the balcony door, the heavy bag in his arms. It was as if I wasn't in the room; the wall of concentration that surrounded the two men was as thick and strong as an actual brick wall.

Other voices could be heard now from several floors above. Unlike Matsuda's cheery voice, these sounded panicked and surprised. The volume of the frenzied voices grew louder and more alarmed and I couldn't help but cover my ears as I crouched down in the corner. I moaned quietly as I waited tensely for whatever was going to happen. I simply watched uncle and Mogi with wide eyes frozen with fear and uncertainty.

_Please. Please let Matsuda be okay. Please let Matsuda be okay. Please, please, please. _

Suddenly, a loud scream was heard plummeting from above, accompanied by a chorus of panicked yells. I watched with astonished eyes as a body ungracefully tumbled from above and landed roughly on top of the mattress. The body bounced off of the mattress and rolled part way into the room. Mogi ducked out of the way as uncle stepped forward and heaved the bag over the balcony. I could hear a loud thumping crash below and the refrain of voices continued to holler.

Somehow though, the voices seemed to grow softer as I began to make out the features of the person who had come flying down from above. The black hair with the unruly fringe. The slender, tall build. The familiar tan dress shirt. And then suddenly—

"Matsuda!"

Matsuda looked up at my abrupt cry and suddenly I was out of the corner and crouched down beside his hunched over form on the carpet. Without caring or even recognizing that uncle and Mogi were still in the room, I threw my arms around Matsuda's neck and warbled out a long slew of mumbled words.

"Why, why did you do that, you, you, you...why, Matsuda, why, are, are you crazy?! You, you-"

"Etsuko, it's okay, it's okay," Matsuda tried to reassure me with his soft words, but my voice only grew louder and more rushed.

I looked up at him and cried out in exasperation, "You're crazy! You're absolutely crazy! Throwing yourself out of buildings and, and – why did you do that?! You, you, you could have DIED!"

"I know, I know! But I had to do it! If I didn't, those men were going to kill me. I had to take the risk! It was the only way," Matsuda rapidly explained, his hand gently prying away some of my fingers that were still tightly wrapped around his neck.

"What do you mean they were going to kill you?! Who were they? What were you doing up there with them-"

"I was trying to help the investigate-"

I interrupted Matsuda by fiercely spouting back, "Helping the investigation?! You already risk your life by just being on the Kira investigation, why do you have to risk it even more by doing things like this?"

Matsuda sighed and held his hand steady against the back of my head while his other hand squeezed my shoulder supportively. "Etsuko, I admit I could have gone about doing things differently and actually thinking things through tonight. And I also know that Ryuzaki is going to be furious with me. But I learned really valuable things that will benefit the investigation, so it was all worth it!" Matsuda looked me in the eye with flashing earnestness. "I'm not worthless now, Etsuko!"

My throat clicked and I rapidly scanned Matsuda's face to see if he was actually being serious or not. The few seconds I needed to spew forth all of my panic subsided and I began to calm down. I closed my eyes and shook my head sadly. My voice wavered slightly as I softly consoled, "Matsuda, you never were worthless. Didn't you know that already?"

When I opened my eyes I could see Matsuda was looking away slightly to the side with an embarrassed, sad expression. It was similar to how he had looked when we had been watching TV days before and during Misa's outdoor shoot. And I realized that he hadn't been upset with me, but that he had been upset with himself. That his self-confidence had reached an all time low and that he had tried to prove himself by doing something that had almost cost him his life. And I had a problem with that.

My hand reached out and steadied itself against the back of Matsuda's head. I gently gripped some of his hair and beseechingly asked again, "Don't you know that?"

Matsuda looked at me, our eyes and foreheads almost touching we were so close to one another. I could see his pupils furiously scanning and searching my face, as if they were desperately trying to capture the image of my genuine and eager expression. I could feel his shoulders slouch against me and he smiled with tired defeat. "Yes, I should have known that." He looked directly at me, behind his eyes an unspoken apology for having doubted my belief in him. I only smiled and shook my head slightly, implying no hurt feelings.

"But I'm not sorry for taking the risk, Etsuko," Matsuda confidently carried on. "Sometimes...sometimes uncovering valuable knowledge requires taking risks."

I sighed. I disliked the fact that Matsuda was right. How many times had I taken risks to gain or share information in just the last several months? Tracking Matsuda down to the Niwa Hotel and barging across Ryuzaki for the first time. Secretly conversing with Light numerous times in our coded communication style. Breaking out of my room and the hotel to inform Aunt Sachiko and Sayu about Light's and uncle's confinement. Simply the past hour when I had defied Ryuzaki's orders and encountered uncle and Mogi.

It was a frightening and uncomfortable truth to swallow, but one that I digested nonetheless and hesitantly accepted. It was easier for me to accept when it came to myself, but when the risk involved Matsuda, I didn't want to believe it. Perhaps that was normal when it was someone that you lov—

"A-hem!"

Matsuda and I both jumped at uncle's startling voice. We turned to face him and suddenly realized how close we were to each other. We hurriedly separated and stood up. Matsuda, having no tie to fidget with, began to wring the end of his shirt compulsively, while I simply flushed all over and stared at uncle with mortification. His eyes were hard, but not with anger. They were steely with controlled concern than anything else.

My voice warbled and squeaked as I implored, "Uncle, I-I-I can explain-"

"All I'm going to say is that it's not my business. You're both adults and I'm not your father, Etsuko. But I hope you've at least thought this through," Uncle Soichiro straightforwardly addressed Matsuda and I, his voice stern, but patient.

Before I could come up with a decent explanation or justification, Matsuda took a step closer to me and answered just as straightforwardly as uncle, "I may not have thought this whole evening through, Chief, but I've sure thought this one through."

I felt Matsuda's hand enclose around mine and I looked at him with admiration. His confidence and genuineness were heartwarming. Uncle seemed to be mildly surprised with Matsuda's conviction and simply nodded. It was obvious to me that uncle wasn't entirely impressed with our relationship, but that there was still a level of acceptance.

I frowned as Matsuda's hand dropped from mine and he turned to me and said, "I should stick around for a bit. Debrief after, uh, everything that's happened tonight."

"Yeah, I understand." I hoped I sounded understanding, because I sure didn't feel like it. My boyfriend had just thrown himself over a balcony, could have very possibly died at either the expense of some homicidal businessmen or the concrete road, and now I was expected to just be on my merry way and –

"But I promise you I'll be down to see you before the end of the night," Matsuda concluded, his voice firm with assurance.

I smiled and nodded, knowing that this time he was making a promise without death lingering over his head. Knowing that I could trust his word. Knowing that I would be counting down the minutes before I could see him.

_What would I do without him? I didn't think I could ever be this...this – could ever feel..._

My smile broadened as I nodded once more and softly responded, "I'll be waiting."

**...**

**A/N: Once again...THANK YOU! **


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